More shite coming your way.

I am really.. tired of being myself.

Maybe if I could trade my drawing and singing skills for a bit more focus. Maybe if my blog design is more mundane so I could write better. Maybe if my nose is flatter so my thoughts are brighter. Maybe if I was shorter and I'd be happier.

Why make me the "Jack of all trades" when I am brilliant at nothing at all?
I'd be more than willing to give up all that I can give up if I could be good at the one thing that matters to me.
Am I willing to give up my soul? Probably not, but I might change my mind tomorrow.

sigh. And why the heck am I interested in things that the average people aren't interested in. And why.. tell me why do I barely have anything good to say about myself? And most importantly, why do I keep asking these questions when I know there is noone out there who could help me answer them anyway!

A jumble of nothing.

I am officially hating this.
NOT life.. just this.
And I'm still doing it.

Yeah, I'm speaking in codes.

5:57 PM
Is it possible that the truth is overrated? I hate to believe so.. I wouldn't know what to hold on to if honesty is in truth, a bunch of lies.

I have this friend.. whom I've never lied to. He's a really good friend of mine and if anything is bugging me, I know it in my core that he would be there for me if he could. He is the kind of guy that you want to run to, anyway and we're the kind of friends who tell each other stuff even when they're so unrelated and unimportant.

So I have this one thing that I feel like telling him but I don't know.. could the truth be too much? Honestly, just typing this out actually feels silly now.
hahahhaha!!
Forget it. The truth CAN be overrated sometimes.

3:56 PM
Cehh..
mengade punye pompuan..
ye yee laa aku call balek pastu kau kate "never mind".

I don't know what God is saying about that now.
But give me a second; I have a theory: He just wants to remind me that I should be doing something or at least act like it -- which led me to read off Craig's List!

Hmm.. I keep mentioning God lately, haven't I?

32 hours and counting..

I don't have to tell everything, do I?


Had a day out with Ablen, Ana, Bahijah and Dar. Went bowling.. played UNO.. just hanging around; nothing much really. I'm not even sure if we had any "catching up".. just really.. Hanging out. We met up around 2pm and said our goodbyes around 9pm.

After that I joined Dida for a bit of karaoke with her friends at SOGO's Red Box Ria 'til half past eleven.

Now I'm just recording how much I'd spent today; 2.90 + 9.40 + 12 + 12.50 + 1. That's about right, I think!

Alright. I'm just too woozy for anything else now. Can't even listen to music, let alone type out anything actually worth reading.
Ohh! I saw this dude that reminds me of James Morrison earlier. Well, he doesn't really look alike but dressed similarly.

I got another invisible nudge from the Higher Power today (technically, it was yesterday). Guess I should really move now. I mean, how many signs can you ignore right? Feels like I have loads of things to do but SLEEPING is at the very top of my list. I'll think about tomorrow (today), tomorrow (today).
Can't help feeling excited for Friday though!

Depp, I want pictures!

edited on 7:22 AM, June 28th 2007.
I don't know what a "sleep in" is. *wink*
Now that I have a bit of rest, I've remembered to say Sorry.. to my buddies for my slightly moody behaviour yesterday. huhuu. Well, I don't know if it surfaced a lot but at least I felt a bit out of the weather at some points.
You see, I was born with an awesome physical endurance.. Psychologically -- not so much.

I never knew..

Maybe things would be easier if I was still angry.
But I have long forgotten that because I remember how anger wears me out. Being angry at somebody is EASY.. but I'm that kind of person who always finds a way to blame themselves even when it had been somebody else's fault, you know?

So.. being angry with myself is damn tiring.
Actually, just thinking about what I've gone through right now is tiring.. sigh.
I'm sorry, I don't intend to make myself weary when I started typing just now. It's just.. I don't have the best memories of things so sometimes even when I was fine, I still... get tired.

Anyway, back to what I had meant to write..
I am no longer angry. Actually, when I heard those stories again, I can't help but giggle and smile. But sometimes.. I don't know how to react around things. I feel guilty about warming up but I feel bad if I don't 'cause that would mean that I haven't moved on, won't it?
When I forget about things.. it does mean that I forget about things.

I don't know.. maybe in my deep dark heart, I still believe that I could have saved the situation if I wasn't so closed up. If I had opened up much sooner, maybe I could've changed things. And what's more.. I still believe that if I say it now, everything and everyone will feel better.
But will it really? Or am I just being my idealist self again?

Aah well.. maybe I should stop thinking and psycho-analyze everything and just enjoy the moment yeah?

I think this is cool..

I just played around at Meez.com, creating my own "3D ID" and I must admit.. I liked it! hahhaha! Of course, it reminds me of The Sims, so of course I'd like it!!
Anyway, it's like a 3D version of Yahoo! Avatars so if you like those paper-dolls kind of stuff, you'd definitely like this. (Yes, I like those paper-dolls kind of stuff.)

First, you will need to have Firefox or IE 7.0 because unfortunately, when I use Opera or IE 6.0, it says "browser configuration is not compatible with the Meez site." sheesh!

So anyway, then you can start creating your Meez! After you're done creating the 3D-person that you like, you can add on some animation and background to it. Now, I would recommend trying some dance moves; try Krumping or the Thriller Dance. It's a riot!
Once you're done and registered with the site, you can export your Meez and show it off like so;

Voila!

True to my words..

This blog's name has been Thoughts by The Uninspired for how long, I don't remember.
So here's how Uninspired I am right now;

I am glad that I've got the songs I've been looking for since last year. Elefant's version of Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want (originally by The Smiths) that I first heard on Sky High. This is such a simple song but it means a lot to me. I once knew how to play it on my guitar actually. The other song is Jadon Lavik's Let It Go which I first heard on the movie Perfect Man. hehhe! Again, I like it for the lyrics; like all songs that mattered anyway.

Today is Tuesday.

Aaand.. that is it!
I have nothing more running around my thoughts, it's almost amazing.
Just almost.

Ohh pening kepala..

1. What is your natural hair color?
...it's dark-something.

2. Where was your default picture taken?
A couple of years ago, on my trip home from school. There wasn't a seat available on the commuter train so I camped on the floor, minding my own business.

3. What's your middle name?
Hazwanie? It's silly.. Saying that is my middle name would require me to admit that I have the same first name with my sisters, so no.. I don't have a middle name, actually.

4. Your current relationship status?
Single.. mentally unstable to mingle.

5. Does your crush like you back?
He could've if he'd met me. hahahaha!

6. What is your current mood?
Stoic.

7. What color you like the most?
Red.

8. What makes you happy?
Good jokes.. and being told that I was good at doing the thing I was doing.

9. Name something that can bring a smile to you the good old days.
Cincau drinks, volleyball and electric-pink headbands.

10. If you could go back in time and change something, what would it be?
hmm.. Study better.. fight harder.. think wiser? ahahha!! I'd love to take a year off before starting college but if I changed that, I wouldn't get to know the people I know today.

11. If you must be an animal for one day, what would you be?
A bird. A healthy one, please.

12. Ever had a near death experience?
No.

13. Something you do a lot?
Listen to music. blah~

14. What's the name of the song stuck in your head right now?
Tired Of Being Sorry by Enrique Iglesias. heehee.

15. Who did you copy and paste this from?
Kak Yan.

16. Name someone with the same birthday as you?
hahahha!! Amy Lee, Tom DeLonge, Jamie Foxx.. no, I don't have any friends with the same birthday.

17. When was the last time you cried?
A couple of days ago, I believe.

18. Have you ever sang in front of a large audience?
hahha! Yess. Loads of times even.

19. If you could have one super power what would it be?
I've thought about this for a long time.. I think I'd like telekinesis, please. I'd like it if I could do some chores while I'm watching the telly.

20. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Honest to God, I don't know... The fact that they are indeed the opposite sex?

21. What do you usually order from Starbucks?
It's a tie between Java Chip and Caramel Frappucino.

22. What's your biggest secret?
yikes! Err.. refer #36

23. Favourite sport?
To watch; football. To play; volleyball.

24. When was the last time you lied?
I don't know.. I have a bad memory, but to be perfectly honest, I don't tell lies much.

25. Do you still watch kiddy tv shows?
yeah, I still watch cartoons sometimes. Some other times I watch one of those masked-superhero shows for a laugh.

26. What are you eating or drinking at the moment?
Chupa Chups Peach and Cream flavour -- not my favourite kind but it's in the pack of ten.

27. Do you speak any other language?
Define "other". I speak Malay and English pretty okay. Poorly and very pathetically basic; Mandarin, Cantonese, Japanese, Javanese and Dutch. I tend to pick up languages easily but two weeks without practice, I forget.

28. What's your favorite smell?
heehee. The smell of something baking in the oven. Cookies preferably.

29. If you could describe your life in two words what would they be?
Morbidly funny.

30. When was the last time you gave/received a hug?
A couple of days ago.

31. Have you ever been kissed in the rain?
I believe I haven't.

32. What are you thinking about right now?
Future. Life.

33. What should you be doing right now?
Serious writing.

34. What was the last thing that made you upset/angry?
Somebody asking me for a favour but the way this person had asked me was more like an order. My ass!

35. Do you like working in the yard?
If I had a yard.. I probably won't like working in it. Playing, sure!

36. If you could have any last name in the world, what would it be?
Smith. ahhahaha!!

37. Do you act differently around your ex-crush/bf?
Yes.. unfortunately.

38. Name one song that reminds you of an ex?
A Waltz For A Night by Julie Delpy. ahahhaha!! It's sad.. really. You And I Both by Jason Mraz.

last edited on 3:10 PM, July 26th 2007.

I love match day!

It's exciting.. the atmosphere gets you all pumped up. Makes you laugh, smile.. though it may hurt sometimes but it always leave you wanting more. You scream and shout silly things, get all heated up and drenched with sweat.. have a smoke..
err.. yeah, I am still talking about match day.


We sat near some pretty cool crowd; they shout just as much as we do. This one particular guy was really funny. While we settled with lines such as "sissy", "get up, you pussy", "never eat rice, aa?", "friggin' idiot" and the likes of those.. when the visiting team players were injured, this particular man would shout at the top of his lungs: "get him out of there.. throw him into a ditch!" (bawak keluar.. campak masuk longkang!) or "get him out.. and into a coffin!" (bawak keluar terus masuk kerandaa! Kerandaaaa!!) ahhahah! That was one cool dude. Morbid, but very cool!

The game that we went to was the FA Cup semi-finals and we (Selangor!) drew with Kedah. It wasn't enough. We actually lost 3-1 on aggregate.
It was a little sad that we didn't win, but honestly Dida and I were pretty impressed with this year's team. I mean, they are all local players; not a single import! And I think they've improved on their passes. They were lacking of that certain ummph at the attacking position but I haven't got too many bad things to say about the defence and the goal keeper. (Which is an improvement in my book!)
I think it's a good team.. but needs a heck load of practice!
Do remember that this is my team and I tend to side on them.

Dida questioned my friendliness towards some strangers as we walked out of the stadium. Ah well.. if you know me at all, you'd know I'm incapable of passing a chance to speak to a stranger. (Unless I'm in a really bad.. awkward mood of course.) Plus, the guys that spoke to me had said something really smart that just struck me. They said, "hidup Selangor!" ("Long live Selangor".. basically.) heehee.
So honestly, imagine yourself being at a stadium after one of your team's match and somebody said that to you. It would be silly not to agree, right? Don't you want your team to keep fighting? So of course I had to respond to those guys! Plus.. I always find men/boys amusing anyway. They're even funnier when they try to be funny. (sorry!)

Afterwards, me and Dida went for a drive around before going to the McD Drive Thru, and whaddyaknow! The cashier girl was from Kedah!! ahahhaha!! Life is just funny sometimes..

Consumed by defeat and despair.

I wish there isn't a constant battle between my head and my heart.
But of course, if that happens.. this blog would be pretty quiet don't you think?

Dida sees me in a way.. like I don't fight for my right to live, or something. Of course, in comparison to her (and every person I know, actually!) I am pretty morbid. Sorry, let me rephrase -- I am really morbid.
Like the other day, she told me about the time while she was in Rotterdam and the wind was so strong, she feared that the windows could shatter and pierce her.
I nodded, saying "right.. and nobody's around to help you." But she coolly said, "ohh, I can call for help."
It dawned on me that while she was picturing herself being pierced by shards of glass, she didn't picture herself being hurt so bad that it would render her immobile. I pointed this out to her and she said something that goes something like "I don't want to die." (Please note that I wasn't endowed with a photographic memory.. unlike some people! hahhaha! *inside joke, sorry*)

Anyway, back to the story..
I don't want to die. Not really! Just because I talk about death a little (a LOT) doesn't mean that I'm comfortable with dying. I'm not! Okay, life is hard.. which I think it should be or it would be too blah to live for anyway. (err..) But just because I use the word "death" or "suicide" liberally shouldn't mean that I think dying is easier.
I'd like to skip deep six, thank you very much!

Frankly I don't even know why I am emotionally in limbo. Maybe on some days I am too frustrated or tired to feel and yes, led me to think that if I was dead, I wouldn't have to go through days like that ever again. But I know what happens after death and I know I wouldn't like it even more!
Hmm.. suddenly I'm dawned by a realization that if I didn't believe in the afterlife, I would've probably jumped off the window ages ago. AHHAHAHA!! There I go again -- too liberal!!
Well, I thank God for religion.

Hmm.. I probably should get a shrink for this but I chose writing instead.
Sometimes I feel like I have this blog so my family and friends would know how I'm doing.. so if anything happens, it wouldn't come as too much of a surprise. But I doubt anyone could decipher what I meant when I write things such as this. I mean.. logically, how can you be miserable when there is no reason to it?
There should be a cause to an effect, but in my case.. I only write about the effect.. no cause in sight, yeah?

Like being afraid of commitment for fear of being screwed over. Aren't you supposed to get screwed over first before you guard yourself so much? Like surrendering yourself without even trying because you know you'll lose the battle.. Aren't you supposed to experience a battle lost before you decide to stop trying?
I am not exactly hiding or cowering away... but I.. float. I think I'm a floater. I'm in limbo.. constantly. Neither here nor there. I'm nowhere, really.
I think I've successfully made myself even more confused. heehee.

I honestly don't know what I'm trying to achieve tonight. Is this one of Wanie's psycho-babble? Probably. Just sometimes I feel so much and I don't even know where it came from. I just need to have an outlet for it or I'd wake the neighbours with my ugly shriek at 3AM -- I wouldn't want that. If I had a divine wail instead, I'd most probably go for that.

I suppose it's quite obvious that I am a glass half empty.
I just need to keep finding where they hid the water bottle to fill it up.

edited on 10:42 AM, June 23rd 2007.
ON SOMETHING ELSE COMPLETELY UNRELATED...
Aaaa!! Benci benci!! Fergie bodo! Bodo bodo!! I get that Smudge hasn't been doing much when he's actually a striker.. tapi!! TAPI!! aaaa!! Sungguh kijam!! Okay, I'm just saying this because I like him. But I just hate rationalizing Ferguson's decision! Kasi can laa.. eeee!! Poor Smudger. *grunts* I'm going to miss him.. There's no way I'm going to support Newcastle just for him anyway... Err.. okay, maybe my heart will grow a little fonder for the Toon (like it does on Liverpool for Gerrard -- how unfortunate) but why do I feel like I'm having an affair! geez!
hahhahaha!! I can be so silly some days, I honestly can't help it.

I overdid it.

Now I feel sick.
Really sick.
Man. Should've stopped at that 7th, but I had to go for an 8th and boy, I'm really regretting that one.

I've been trying to upload something on my Photobucket since yesterday but my browser can't seem to get it open somehow. Ah well.. I'll get pissy about it another day.

Azraai showed me some old stuff I gave him ages ago. (Which he had brought along to Germany for fear of them getting thrown away if he had left them at home -- which is a really sweet thought, Pet!)
Man, I was funny at fifteen...

Wish you hadn't sang about me.

Do you think it's possible for a film to broaden your mind even more than a book can do?
I finally saw Before Sunrise. (refer to old entry) It was beautiful. It made Before Sunset even more deep and meaningful than it already is. I found myself emotionally enlightened.. somehow.
Both films are definitely at the top half of my favourite movies list.

I suppose I just have a thing for movies where all they do is talk. Strip all those cool editing and special effects, truly rely on the characters and script to make the film.. great.
Of course, this is just my opinion. I must admit that the ideas and mannerisms said throughout both films were almost things that could've come out from my own mouth -- and that Jesse and Celine could very well be two of my favourite friends.
Also.. it helps that Celine happens to be a Sag and believes in astrology! ahhahaha! You've just got to laugh at that.

Sometimes I feel like certain people.. were born to give a crap about astrology. Maybe it's the way the stars were lined when they were born and made them more attuned to what's going on up in the sky. (Just for notes, Nostrodamus was born on December 14th! hahhaha!)
Well, I'm a Muslim so I've been brought up not to believe in horoscopes, so I don't. They are bullshit, except that they are fun to read and sometimes things do happen like what it said. heehee. (Coincedences, I swear.) What I believe in is that compatibility between signs are pretty predictable.

Okay, I'm not ignoring the fact about how people were brought up and had different surroundings when they grew up, but I believe that the time they were born had also played a part on how their take on things and react to them.
I'm not trying to make anyone believe what I believe in -- that is a lost cause, but I'm simply pointing out that I believe in this and what ever you may say on your disbelief in hopes of changing my mind would be.. a lost cause itself.

Aahh.. I think I've written enough for today.
I'm listening to A Waltz For A Night by Julie Delpy. It's the song Celine played on the guitar for Jesse. This song makes me sigh. I'll get the song up on my LL in a bit.

Maybe everyone have to have their own little Jesse, yeah?
I hope there'll be another continuity after Before Sunset in 2013. I think that'd be.. wonderful!

Chili's!

Nina turns twenty-nine today!
She deserves a brownie for that. heehee.

Happy Birthday, love!

Green means go.

So why exactly do I always feel stuck?
entahlaah..

Moving onnnn---
I just had the coolest conversation with Nadiah and maannn, I AM SO PUMPED UP FOR JULY!!!
I'd like to thank my parents for making me.. my siblings for being so supportive.. Cik Alia for bringing me to her gathering where I met Nadiah.. and also God - of course, for aligning the stars as such on that fated December.. hahhaha!!

Okay. In need to do a bit of work so I could make this year actually worth while.. "the year that I'd remember for the rest of my life." Or at least that's what I hope it'd be.

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

ahhahahha!!!

Why do I keep doing this to myself??

I am stabbing my heart with a knife -- minus the knife. Make it words; I am stabbing my heart with words.
I think too much..
I read too much..
I should probably just sleep all day but that wouldn't help me with my testament the other day! grr. I am so angry with myself right now.
I wish I was more curious and keen on the law of physics or the rules of mathematics than.. those stupid stupid crap I cared about.

I am not fine. I am sarcastic by nature.

You're making me gush..

and I feel quite silly about it, thanks!

After listening to both men throughout the day, I take back what I said yesterday.. Ross Copperman does NOT really sound like James Morrison. hahhahha!! I'm sorry.. I've been saying how silly it is to read my old entries where I laugh all suddenly when there is nothing exceptionally funny going on, but it's my inner-voice.. it's funny, I just can't help myself.
Aaanyway-- Ross Copperman's songs has more beats. A little more pop than soul but equally British-influenced. I swear there is this one Ross' song that reminds me of Take That!

I was driving around with Dida earlier and I said something to her that made her acknowledge that I am not normal after all.. haha! Well, that took her a while!
We talked about a bunch of stuff but right now I can't get over the time she said that I have "kening garang" (fearsome eyebrows). AHAHHAHA!! Funniest thing I've heard today, that's for sure! I was telling her the stuff that Bahijah told Ana and I about her friend; how he tagged me as the kind of person who would only be attracted to looks. pshh!! Anyway, Dida was commenting on my looks at that time and that's how it came to my eyebrows.
(By the way, me.. attracted to looks -- not true!)

That's it for now. I honestly ran out of things to write; not even a psycho-babble!
Ohh, that new picture on the top right is Farhana after Dida asked her to smile last Wednesday. hihi. Funny kid.

edited on 6:12 AM, June 19th 2007.
Damn, I missed the 3rd and final WOMBAT!!

1983

I've been listening to Ross Copperman lately.
Quite an interesting character he is..
He's an American.. who signed with a UK label! Now isn't that just.. different? You really don't hear that too often, do you?

Anyway, his song was recently featured on One Tree Hill and I just LOVE the sound. I'm a bit sad to admit this, but I think he's quite high on the list with James Morrison! hahhaha! Well, I think they sound a bit similar just that Ross Copperman is more of a piano-guy. A catchy-tune sort of a piano-guy.
Aaah.. you just have to listen to him. (I've just uploaded one of his songs on my LL.) There aren't too many people sharing his songs though..
And I have this one song, which I love LOVE but it doesn't have a title and that bugs meee!! How can I tell people to listen to it when it doesn't have a title, right?! grrr.
Visit Ross' website. (wow.. we're on first name basis already. haha!)

Okay. Running off to the telly now. The United States Grand Prix is on. (Pharrell Williams is sitting with Lewis Hamilton's father!)
Oh, just want to let you know that I now have a working "feed"! hahha! I don't know if there's anyone who actually uses it but it's a comfort to me that if anybody does.. it's there.

Have a good week everyone!

edited on 3:07 AM, June 18th 2007.
Lewis Hamilton won. I must admit, for a rookie.. he's EXTREMELY impressive. Really. And I'm not saying this just because he's a Briton. I like that he thanked his crews on the radio right after he crossed the flag. Even said he loves them! haha! That was amusing. He's really.. a brilliant driver. Ferrari should get him! AHHAHAHA!! naah.. Competetion is good.
Honestly I'm a bit worried for Hamilton. I mean, he's going a little too fast too soon! (Although I don't mind him winning over Alonso! hohoho!) AND! He's younger than I am!! I swear.. if harbouring jealousy could kill.. I would've died by now. Think Wayne Rooney.. Christiano Ronaldo.. (sorry for the sports references, I couldn't think of anything else right now.) Thank God there isn't a bestselling author with my age out there. (If there is, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!)

Drive me insane.

Feels like Sunday.
Well, yesterday felt like a Sunday to me.. today is.. the day after that but not quite Monday. hahhaha! I'm sorry.. (I really am) I feel like I'm going crazy right now.

I was never big on the present, let alone the future.. but today I caught myself feeling slightly giddy about the great unknown. It's the two sides of my brain working together again..
Between the scepticism and hopefulness, I just don't know which side should I let to win.

Dreams.. are merely dreams.
But on the rare occasion that I get filled up by the overwhelming belief that I could truly make them real one day.. is the ultimate feeling that just teared me up -- in the good kind.
Am I being too poetic now?

Right about now is the part where I regret saying that I care this much about my dreams. Already I'm hearing the invisible scoffs that also shouts at me to stop dreaming.
In my defence.. There is a great difference between a dream and a wish. I am not simply looking at the skies and ask for good fortunes. Fortune is smacked right on our faces either good or bad; we have no control over it.
A dream.. a dream you have a control of.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is.. this is my testament that I will try my best to make mine true.. even if it kills me -- although seeing from my diet of unhealthy foods, irregular meal times, lack of exercising and other awful things that I deliberately put inside me are quite the assurance that that could very well happen in not too long. hahha!!
My "dark side" is back -- but I won't let it spoil this morning!

The realization that a dream is tangible with the power of a single drive.
(hahha!! I'm talking weird again, aren't I? It sounds cool in my head anyway.)

By the way, the future me should probably look back at today and know that my other browser is on Wikipedia about "writer's block"! ahhahha! The irony of it is making even me laugh.

Believe it or not..

I haven't had any sleep since yesterday afternoon. I honestly don't know how I'm still up and running (it's only figurative) instead of falling asleep like there's no tomorrow. It's probably the coffee that came with the Big Breakfast this morning. Either that or I've evolved from my nocturnal nature into a completely different unnamed species.

Okay. Lack of sleep = rambling.

I've decided not to put up anymore songs on here if I can help it. Even though Azraai said that the embeded file didn't get stuck at the top/bottom of the contents area when you scroll them up and down.. (at least not on his computer!) it does that on mine and I just have NO IDEA how to fix that. Enough feeling like a dummy trying to brush up on my HTML/CSS-crap last night.

The thing is, I'm particularly anal (analytical -- not that dark end of your anatomy) when it comes to this blog. Maybe because I don't have a lot of things that I care about; I can probably count them with my fingers.
If I think the layout looks dead ugly/boring, I'd change it.
If I realized that I did a typo/grammatical error on yesterday's entry, I'll edit them.
If I've changed my mind about what I said/how I felt the other day, I'd strike them out.

But honestly, I'm so much worse at that second part even in the real world. I could haunt myself about my past/present tenses for weeks on end! I just can't help it! It's a disease, really. I think too much. I think too much that on the rare occasion that I have not a single thought, I'd start obsessing about how uncomfortably quiet my head can be.

Also, I'm very particular about people messing up my stuff. Okay, I admit.. I am pretty much a messy kind of person. My things are EVERYWHERE! But I have a system! I know exactly where I can find my things. So when anybody moves them, I get extremely touchy for ruining the system. So, beware future spouse!
hahhahahha!! I'm still rambling aren't I?

Ohh! About being anal; it's the only reason why I get so irritated when my blog doesn't do as I told it to behave. I mean, I tried my best.. strained my brain to find a glimmer of an idea for a design -- and you decided to go crappy on meee?? HOW DARE YOU! After 5 years?? You ungrateful piece of---

I'm listening to One Last Chance like crazy (now that I'm done with Call The Police). I love LOVE the lyrics but now I'm focusing on the strings behind the song. I can't seem to get enough of it. (Honestly, if ever I had enough of the record, I'll be sure to let you guys know.) This is one helluva record.
I should get the CD one day. *smiles sheepishly*

Maaann I've typed a LOT!!
I think I was a tad influenced by October Road. I just saw five episodes straight and you should know.. everyone on the show talked loaadss! Not fast paced like Gilmore Girls, just a LOT! A bunch! Loooaadsss!!

Okay. It just started to rain.
That's God telling me to get off the computer and let it rest -- and me too, possibly.
Ah well, have a good weekend readers!

Aaaaaa!!! Sungguh fuck bangang!!!!!

Look, it's damn obvious that I can't play my guitar very well.. but now I can never be able to!! Daaaammmnnniiittt!!!!!
I can't quite point the finger if I am more sad or angry! Damn upset for sure!! (goes which ever way.)

Sia sianye rase haritu tune. Sia sia rase semangat/excited mase tune walaupon ketakutan. arghh!! curses!!!!!

And I'm trying to find an 'angry' song to relate to but all I get stuck with is James' Call The Police! arghhhhh!!!!!

Call the police, coz I've lost control and I really want to see you bleed

Yeah.. the line seems kind of dark but honestly.. the whole song sounds like pussy to how I'm actually feeling.
And the lack of sleep is making me spend twice as much time to type these out. The layout should look okay on Opera now. If you're using Safari or Firefox or what ever there is out there and my blog still looks crap, screw you!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! Gitaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!! :((

edited on 11:36 AM, June 16th 2007.
I am feeling better now. Obviously time heals everything.

bluerghhh..

Listening to Oasis.

I signed up on Last.fm the other day. I'm trying to figure out if I have always listened to British stuff and never actually realized it. I mean honestly, I used to think that Britpop was quite laughable some years ago. hahahha! (I was even cruel back then..)
Oddly enough, Doves, The Smiths and Oasis (who happens to be on my playlist) were all from Manchester! hahha! Destiny much?
I must state here that I haven't just adopted the keenness to British artists only recently because I said I'm fixated on most things British. I think the keenness were always there which led to that statement in the first place. eccewwaahh! "statement".. tak larat. Just, I wasn't thinking of music when I said it. More like literature and culture wise.

Going to see Fantastic Four later tonight.
Hmm.. my playlist just went on Breath by Breaking Benjamin. I can't get the line out of my head now; you left a hole where my heart should be. Awesome.
Aaah! I'm sorry.. I ran out of things to share.
Feeling a tad fake somehow. I am mentally under the weather.

Eeeek!!

omygod!!
It's been FOUR FIVE - LONG - YEARS and after a couple of heartbeaks, dozens of blow ups, hundreds of laughs and even more frustrations -- a total of 1,713 short stories told.. I am still me.
AHAHHAHAHAHAHHA!!!
I'm laughing because I don't see it as a good thing..
AHHAHAHAHHA!!!
(Show me a person who is an even worse self-criticizing arse than I am.)

Ah, well.. Happy Anniversary, Blog!!
Man, it's going to be so hard to commit to anything else than this, for as long as I have. You've been Waiyumeiwei, and now you're Redbubbles.. It's all been good and I look forward to sharing the future with you; whether I like it or not -- irrelevant.

I'd like to think that I've grown since my first entry. A little at least, 'cause reading them back is kind of embarassing actually. I sound like a goofy, dotty 15 year-old that grins too much. I don't know, I get that sort of vibe from my old entries anyway. I do prefer the morbid present-me really.

I can't believe I've had this for five years. I'm bad at maths, I thought it had only been four but Bahijah helped me add it up; really, it's been five. Man! Time really do fly. Crap!


Lil Star by Kelis feat. Cee-Lo
I just thought that this song is very appropriate to how I feel right now. Well, these days actually..
Spent a funny-yesterday with Ana, Bahijah and Ilsa.
They came over to Shah Alam and called me out to plaaay! hihihi! Thanks guys! I had good fun! I've uploaded those songs you requested on my LL by the way! Tapi lagu Kejamnya Dirimu tu terpotong! ahhahha! Time tu song recorder memang tak cukup panjang kot. Ohh! And the video I did is officially LOST!! grrr.

O yeah.. on a side note, I don't hate my life. I'd never say that. It just bugs me that anyone would think that I do.

Inside joke.

No, I wasn't on a yet another attempt on hiatus. (Although I probably should've let it happen.. finally. Rain check?) Well, the internet was down at my house and it turned out to be a pretty good thing!

The inability to go online had stopped me from writing yet another angry-entry, which usually would lead to yet another psychotic babble where I use my natural talent to blame myself after everything in the end.

In case you were curious about what I've been up to, here's what you've missed;

I turned my pissy mood to gratitude when I took the offline situation in a positive note: It is God's way of kicking my arse to start typing out the four-full page of storyline on my Moleskine to the computer into a real story. (Of course, it isn't finished yet! But I typed some 800++ words in one hour. hah! I am so proud of myself for finally doing it instead of making yet another excuse to not type them, ie. "it's just not the same.. writing isn't writing when you're typing.")

Dida bought me a pair of awesome goggles and a swimming suit which was pretty revealing. (I have a ginormous arse and a belly, is that new?) The girls in the family went to the beach on Sunday (my father and brother in law -- absent!) and we had a really brilliant time! Swimming (or the attempt of it), picnic, more attempts in swimming and a long sleep afterwards because we were too pooped to do anything else.
My entire body aches, in places I never thought I had before. But it's all good -- I'd like to think that I was toning myself. Whether I've become anymore tanned, I'm not too sure.

I saw the single worst accident ever on the Canadian Grand Prix. (Note that I was 10 in 1994 and Fourmula One wasn't on my mind yet.) I was honestly worried for Kubica; I LOVE his PSA on Hitz! (and I just found out that he's a Sagi.. my age even!) The way those debris flew.. looked like something out of a war movie. All the while I thought Burti's accident in 2001 was bad enough but Kubica's was so much worse. I felt bad for always looking forward to the Gilles Villeneuve circuit. (Although I just can't take it out of my favourite circuits list!) Thankfully he came out of it quite alright.
Lewis Hamilton of McLaren won the race.. he's British, I forgive him.
Oh, the safety car was out on the track four times, and only 12 cars finished the race last night. ("Night" is relative.)

I found out that Arjen Robben is my age!! Yepp.. that balding Dutch guy that plays for Chelsea was born in 1984, my friends. See, I just don't quite get why Europeans looks so much mature than us Asians. I'm stuck with my 18-year old face (or so I've been told) but I suppose that's a good thing, considering I haven't achieved anything amazing to proof that I am worthy of using up the oxygen for the last 22 years.
I also found out that nobody famous shares my same exact birthday. Which I'd like to think -- a good thing, leaving me a space to get my name in there one day! (1984 on Wikipedia)

I've also figured out why I am so fixated over Undiscovered.
It's the lyrics, really. Definitely the lyrics. A downtrodden man with a big hopeful heart. A sceptic who wants to believe; like he's open to anyone who could prove him wrong. Happy, but not quite at the top of the world. (Oh wait, who am I talking about now?) Upset, but not throwing any tantrums.. and excellent descriptions of feelings! (How boring, I can actually go technical on this!) Ah, brilliant writer lah this lad.

On some unimportant something else;
1. that just sucked! Can this month be any more upsetting? Hotspur, honestly! Please please stop breaking my heart already!
2. I get 13 unread messages and 35 spams during the weekend and last Friday.
3. I am related to a moron.
4. I'm brushing up on some sports history; I've been reading on Ayrton Senna and the '94 San Marino Grand Prix. I think it's just as devastating as the Busby Babes in the Munich air disaster and the Hillsborough disaster. Unnecessary deaths upsets me.
5. I'm thinking Green.

The little things..

I'm thankful for---

1. that I don't have any allergies to any food group. Don't have to miss out on peanuts.. not a single problem with pollens or even dairies! (Of course, I don't recall ever being stung by a bee.. so hopefully I won't have a problem with that!) I do have an allergy to a kind of antibiotic which I find it ironic since antibiotics are meant to be good -- there was one time when a doctor gave me the wrong thing, she made me take another pill to cancel out the previous antibiotic and gave another one that I'm not allergic to. That wasn't fun.

2. despite that I have a pretty complicated family situation (which you may never see or hear in real life and would make you think that I'm just being overly dramatic), those people are who they are and good enough to let me be me.

3. I was endowed with a pretty good head above my shoulders. Also a sense of humour, even though they seem to find their way through some really weird.. improper situations.

4. I'm thankful that I've never been in a relationship with a musician.. or a writer! I mean.. love letters, songs or poems are fine but man, I would be in SO - MUCH trouble during the fights or break ups! yikes! I shudder at the thought of being written as a three-legged-monster. Honestly, I'm not a musician myself but I once wrote a pop-punk song at 2 am just because I was pissed at my mom! hahhahaha!!

5. I've at least experienced some reaaally fun times with some crazy people whom I had called friends during my lifetime..
Here's to the past which shall remain.. in the past. (You might get a kick out of this Bahijah & Anaa!) This is by a band called Chemistry. *wink* ahhahahah!!!

Okay. I should go to sleep or something. It's just wrong to laugh by yourself in the middle of the night.

In my head I'm close to you.

The Letter by James Morrison
And it's got her shame on it
She couldn't say it to my face
This song actually kinda reminds me of one of the many moments in my life that I'm not proud of..
It's a break up song. A break up through a letter, more precise! hahhahahaha!!
Ah well, I guess I used to think even less back then. I believe I would be more careful if the guy was capable of writing songs anyway. hahhahaha!!

I'm blogging a LOT for the past week, eh?
I wonder to myself, what's up.
I'm suddenly having deep thoughts about karma...

aaahhh-- damn!

Dida asked me a totally unrelated, unimportant, yet thought provoking question of this month. (haha! yeah, I'm cheating.. it's only been 7 days.)

So I looked up for the answer on the trusty internet.. and even though I've sort of expected it, I got myself slightly heartbroken. Okay, maybe not as slight as I hope it had since I was hoping I could laugh about it, but all I feel like doing right now is give myself a kick in the shins.

Maybe.. it's a sign. It could be a sign since though I expected it, I really wasn't prepared for it and it never showed up through the time had passed. AND THEN!
Whaddya know.. there it was.. Looking as it did.
HAHHAHAHHA!! I am an idiot with lame metaphors.

Okay.. anyway! Maybe I should tweak my hopes and dreams so making them a reality wouldn't be too hard. heeheeeee. But for the time being, I need to sleep and forget.

Cheers for England! yeahh! Beckham was indeed, sensational!

Just a couple of things..

Tell me this isn't funny;
Penitentiary III, An unjustly jailed man is sent to prison and is forced to fight the prison's worst killer - a vicious midget martial arts expert.

ahahhaha! That's the movie HBO is showing right now -- and NO, I am NOT watching it. I'm just having a laugh at the description. I fear that if I do watch it, my IQ would drop immensely.

I just sent another menacing message to the unfortunate fella whom I've mentioned sometime last week. I can't help myself, it's too easy!
Here's what he wrote on May 30th; emm.its only fofr you la ma dear (referring to the 'luv', I believe)....ell...can i ask you out please....ok this is ma number 0163541479...hope you do message me...thenk you.....heheheheheh.....
I refused to reply.. then he wrote this; hi why no reply from you....marah ke...i really like to noe you...

hahhahha! "Marah ke.." I honestly can't get enough of that. (To laugh at sarcastically, of course!) So I finally replied;
look, here's the deal.
i'm not trying to be a jerk or deliberately acting like an ass. but honestly, i reaaally don't like the way you've approached me. my sister may not be harsh and still diplomatic, unlike me, but obviously i'm not her and you're completely mistaken if you expect me to be as nice and friendly as her. i am, as you can see.. very blunt and tactless.

saye tak marah, on the contrary.. i just don't care enough to know you.

See, I don't lie on my profile. Everyone should've read it at least once, so I don't get why anyone still thinks I would by any chance, be nice to silliness from strangers.
And yeah, I was actually being an ass on purpose! hahhahahahha!!

1:18 PM, June 6th 2007.
He finally.. gets it. Sort of.

Excuse me..

Do you think I have talked enough of James Morrison?
I surely don't feel so!! ahhahaha!!

I just spent my afternoon on YouTube, watching his webisodes from #1 through #18 and it keeps getting me more and more impressed! I mean, duuuude! The way he just strums his guitar! Most parts he just sat around and talked to the camera with his hands on his guitar, just strumming and singing around but sounding BRILLIANT at the same time! He sounds reaaally amazing by the way. (Do I need to say it again?)

There is this one where he sang Stevie Wonder's song and he sounded.. (let's say it with me now,) AMAZING!! (It's Webisode #4.)
God, can he be any more dreamy???? Okay, I don't really dream about him since I have somebody else in mind but James here is an EXCELLENT musician and I can't seem to stress upon it enough! The lyrics.. the tunes.. I can't believe I'm still listening to the entire album, day and night for two weeks straight!

Aah~ obviously I am just not over the brilliance of this lad.
Go listen to him now!

hahahhaha!!

Just saw February's match between Tottenham Hotspur and Manchester United where John O'Shea had to replace Van De Sar when he got dizzy. heehee. It has got to be one of the funnier matches I've ever seen. I can never get enough of that! hahha!

English football season has been over for a week (or more?) and I'm missing it already. August couldn't come any faster...
I hope Smudge will still play for United! eeek!

Only in dreams.

Dida had the day off and decided to spend it with me... heeheehee.
So we did nothing much; got out around noon and couldn't decide where we should get our lunch. We ended up in Alamanda somehow.. having awesome, yet very expensive food at Manhattan Fish Market. (saye pisau cukur.. I get it.)

We went through the new SMART tunnel on our way back. I thought it was cool.. felt like a ride of some sort (it was looong!) but, the road in there was waay uneven! That just spoils the whole thing, I think!
We picked our mom from work and had dinner at Chicken Rice shop in Tesco, Shah Alam. ahahhaha!! Obviously Dida shouldn't take too many off days or I'll become even more wide than I already am. (Just for notes, I have a piece of cheese cake in the fridge, waiting.)

I'm loving Undiscovered even more now that I've found out yesterday that it sounds good on the open road. Absolutely perfect. I'm believing that it's actually my kind of music, instead of the usual angst-ridden pop/punk/rock that I've gotten used to listen to.

I'm still thinking about what Ana had said about an old friend some days ago. I suppose I just haven't ever thought of it that way. I suppose I just forget things when I get upset. Brush it off -- brush everything off.

Dida was surprised when I told her the stuff I've thought about when I was 8. I think I've surprised her a lot this year...
Then she came up with a theory about me. She said (and I'm paraphrasing so it'd sound nicer) that my heart is too bruised for anyone to actually hurt me; that unless a person finds a new thing/subject to attack me with, there would be no way it could upset me. Go ahead and hurt me, see if I care. hahhahha! I'm not going to comment on that.

Okay, now to the big thing that happened to me today.
I... had a bad dream! hahahha! Well, it's kind of cruel actually. Never had that kind of dream before so this is.. a whole new thing.
I dreamt that I have a boyfriend and I kept sensing that he has a thing for my friend. I confronted him about it and he was obviously saddened that I found out. He pulled me in a hug and said he was sorry. He loves and adores me but he also loves my friend. Then he had the nerve of asking me not to let him go and run away, knowing me too well that I usually would. hahhahahaha!!
Now tell me that that isn't a cruel kind of dream!

It bugs me that my dreams had always seem like a telenovela..

Ohh, then there's this. blablablaaa... CSI: NY is on!

Eyes half closed.

I love mornings. Although I don't get to see it as much as I would've liked. I just love it, and yesterday morning I get to see the moon on my left as the sun rises on my right. Pretty cool!

My parents and I went to Penang today; Abang Min's sister is getting married. So anyway, it took us four hours to get to Penang (we left around 7am), we stayed there for four hours.. (the time was half past three in the afternoon.) And we arrived back in Shah Alam at 1am!! AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Fuck the traffic, honestly --and those bastards that kept giving way to the people who kept changing lanes and made everybody else even slower.

Okay, it's too obvious that I'm just testy.

Makes me think.

Dida was worried if she had became an "enabler" to me.

She is not.
Even though she's given me lots of things, I don't forget. I don't intend to forget. I appreciate each and every single one of it and thank my stars for blessing me with an awesome sister. If her kindness had made me become anything else, it's only making me feel how lucky I am.. and believe that dreams may very well come true.
So thank you, Dida.. You are not an enabler. Having you on my back only makes me want to work harder. I am in debt to you, and I will try my hardest to make you proud. Just don't give up on me yet.

"It is true that I may not find an opportunity of transmitting it to the world, but I will not fail to make the endeavour"

God has been good to me..

On another note, happy birthday old man!

DELIRIOUS!!

Cheers!!

heeheeheee. I know, I knoww.. I don't even have a single drop of English blood in my body but man I'm PROUD! I honestly feel that this is the best England team that I have yet seen. I am purely... in delirium. (Yes, I also know that we didn't exactly win..)

Beckham simply proved that he belongs in the team. (again.. IN YOUR FACE, McCLAREN!! What was he thinking when he listed out Beckham anyway!) Indispensible. Irreplaceable. I loved the reference the commentator had made; how the old captain giving the ball to the current captain. Pure brilliance as Terry scored the goal.

Of course, this was only a friendly game, but you can't blame me for really.. really looking at the performances.
Gerrard was also.. brilliant! Is it just me.. or he did seem a bit more fiesty? hahha! Well, he's still an awesome footballer even though he spits a lot. AHHAHAHA!! (I still find things amusing even after that silly Brazillian goal, apparently.)
Smudge was a bit sleepy though. Not literally-sleepy, but he didn't do much which disappoints me a bit. Especially when he got benched.. sigh. But then again, half the team was substituted after the hour mark. Cole, Owen, Terry, Beckham.. which I believe is the reason why Brazil got that goal anyway.

I just wish...... nevermind..

I'm excited. Looking forward to Thursday's Euro Qualifier match.
Okay, now I can have my rest. I was sleepy a minute ago but I just couldn't (or wouldn't) sleep until I get all these out. Typically me.
Have a good weekend, everyone!

me - need - rest!

I am.. looking forward to a good sleep---
after tonight's football match, of course.

Had another busy day today.
I met up with Dayat in Midvalley (yawn) for lunch and a chat. So that's a whole afternoon spent. It's almost shocking that the last time I saw her was last year!! hahhaha! We are such good friends. heehee. I think that's my pattern in friends. We rarely miss each other but when we're needed, we'll be there. Right? *looks around expecting approval from those friends*
Afterwards I took the commuter (curses!) for a rendezvous with Bahijah, Ana, Ilsa and his brother Ilmi to catch Shrek 3! JK was evil! ahhahaha! ("Support The Office's casts", CHECK for two!) We had supper afterwards.Quite a short entry. Just couldn't bring myself to elaborate more.
Ohh, I bought myself a book today. It wasn't on my "to read" list but I just couldn't help myself; I'm geeky like that.

"A feeling, for which I have no name, has taken possession of my soul - a sensation which will admit of no analysis, to which the lessons of bygone time are inadequate, and for which I fear futurity itself will offer me no key. To a mind constituted like my own, the latter consideration is an evil. I shall never - I know that I shall never - be satisfied with regard to the nature of my conceptions. Yet it is not wonderful that these conceptions are indefinite, since they have their origin in sources so utterly novel.
A new sense - a new entity is added to my soul."

--Edgar Allan Poe, MS. Found in a Bottle