New do!!

Here's something you don't know about me..
I have NEVER gotten a haircut at a salon... until todaaay!! *cheers!*
It's terrible, yeah? I'm 22 years old and I've only got my haircuts from my mom and Nina -- and I cut my fringes myself! heehee. So pardon me for being a little excited after my very first visit to the salon. It was.. exciting!


Wasn't really sure about going out today but Bahijah had asked nicely (a little flattery had never hurt) so I couldn't say no.. I am such an EXCELLENT friend anyway! hahahha! Then I called Ana and found out her earlier plans were cancelled so she could come and meet us at Pavillion too! Neat, huh?


I'm loving my new do! Kinda funny that us three pretty much got a haircut around the same time. According to our birthday, even! (Bahijah first, Ana yesterday and me today!) hahahha!

I'm going to get some rest now. Went to sleep really late this morning.. sigh. The crazy things I do for my friends... heehee.
As long as I'm loving it. Thanks a bunch, friends. I had a brilliant time. Looking forward to the next!

The Quest of Becoming Somebody (Part 1)

I was in between of a depressive rant the other day when I was struck by the way Dida's eyes were looking at me -- I think it was worry. I think she was surprised and at the borderline of not knowing what to say or how to handle what I had just told her, but then she asked;
"So what do you really want?"
"I'd like to be happy."
"What makes you happy?"
So I said it, "I'd like to be somebody."
To my own selfish amusement, Dida had reacted in a way that was even more grave than she was at the beginning. She asked again; "Who are you right now?"
I wasn't sure how she would respond so I took my time before saying, "I'm nobody."

The very next second Dida tried to convince me that what ever I've been letting myself to believe, I am somebody and that I'm irreplaceable; that I am not just a lump in the middle of the room.. That no matter how useless I feel (and she sometimes think), I am her only little sister and nobody could replace that. Even when she could find somebody else to talk her troubles to, I am still her sister.

heh. Pardon me while I wipe my eyes.

I've been blessed. Luck has always been on my side. I don't have a lot of things but I seem to get by quite alright. Most importantly, I have the best people around me when I needed them the most. Although time and time again I get my heart broken by the same set of people.. they're still the ones who could mend them back together again.

I am a horrible human being for so many reasons; I act out as much as I possibly can.. dreams of doing charity yet taking not a single step towards it at all.. misses my prayers all the time.. throw tantrums.. curses like a sailor.. avoid responsabilities..
But they mend them back together again. As closed up of a person as I am.. my heart has always been in check.

For that I am grateful.. and sorry, that I am what I am.
I pray that I have enough time in the world to become somebody. Although I already am to Dida, I hope to really show her the best person that I could become. Even when I still feel like a lump in the middle of the room, I hope I'd be a lump that gives back.

Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart.

William Wordsworth

Sorry if you were expecting some sort of a fantasy/fiction in this entry. hahhaha!

Big whoopin' headache.

I wish cursing was an interesting thing to read.. but no, I don't think so.

I actually had a nice day yesterday. Ana got off work early so we decided to meet up and check on Bahijah. Did nothing much really.. spent a really short time with Bahijah, Ana got a haircut, then Ana and I had to leave Bahijah so she could get her work done as we went around and tried on some clothes. (Goofing around -- optional.)


I wish I had something actually significant to share with you.. but I'm sorry, faithful readers.. It seems like my brain is word-fasting these past couple of days, so I'm left with mundane daily reports.

Hmm..

My horoscope today said that I have "an impressive talent for writing" and that I shouldn't be afraid to share my "gift with the world. They'll love it."

Hmm.. are you impressed yet?
Are you loving it??
hahhahahaha!!!

Happy Birthday Seventeen.

heehee.
I was away for the weekend (sort of!) so I'm sorry toots, for not being around to answer your messages sooner.

The family celebrated Izzati's 4th birthday on Saturday -- so we were at Seremban, stuffing our faces with Nina's cooking. I even helped a bit (well, I just blanched the spaghettini seriously) as more people came by; Nina and Abang Min invited a bunch of people!

After that I went along to K.Freddy's place with her and Dida. Had a looong movie marathon that had lasted 'til 8 am! (That's when I dozed off in front of the telly.) Now, if you hadn't seen Mr. Brooks, consider it!! It is such an interesting watch! Disturbing.. yet fascinating!

Did nothing much the entire of Sunday. Mostly I just thought about Seventeen's birthday (note: I don't read Seventeen Magazine -- and I am NOT implying on it on ANY time I've mentioned "Seventeen") and how I missed my football.

Went to Chilli's at Midvalley -- shitty service! *sarcastic cheer!* The only good thing was that it was late and Dida and I weren't bothered by too many people to have a really good conversation.
I have a great sister and I think I am most thankful for that!

We got back just in time to catch the Liverpool and Arsenal match. I just can't stop from laughing. Anyway, then I managed to catch the weekend's football highlights. I'm very happy United won!! Miffed that Newcastle lost. sigh. You really can't win EVERTHING.

Dear Me.

Dear me,
don't rely on what you see
All the blacks and whites dissolve into the grey
Dear me,
there are monsters in the trees
And you won't notice them until they are in the way

And you should be ready to fight them down
'Cause no one will be there to help you out
And no one will see when you begin to doubt
You hide...
Hide..
Hide.. away.

Dear me,
it seems you lose along the way
Simple truth you found so comforting before
Dear me,
all the love you thought was free
It will cost much more than what you can afford

And you won't be ready to fight them down
And no one will be there to pull you out
And when nothing is left you forget what it's about
You hide...
Hide..
Hide.. away.

So I'm writing you this letter to warn you now
Before you get your hopes up, before they fall back down
You don't have to worry and you don't need to-
Hide..
Hide...
Hide.. away.

Dear me,
you should know that you can't see
Just how good that it will be in the end.


Unfortunately I have to say that I didn't write this. It's an incredibly beautiful song by Mike Schmid and though I'd once said that I won't do this again, I can't help it -- it's my current favourite song so here;


And just for the record (for myself mostly), I had spent a good portion of this night peeling off the disgusting fingernail on my thumb. It was just bugging me.. getting stuck to my hair and worse, stuck to a stray thread! yeech! I simply lost my patience for it to come off by itself.
I've been sort of monitoring my nail growth since the incident so if you have a squeamish stomach, you might want to ignore these photos. I am for a fact posting this for my own record. It's horribly disgusting but I found myself fascinated somehow. hahhaha!

The gambler and the risk-taker.

You know how the mysterious "they" say that life isn't worth living without risks..
I was wondering if I am risking any part of my life. Maybe I am, except that like an immature fool; I am more of a gambler than somebody who takes calculated risks.

I know I'm awful, guys.. I hope that you're not keeping tabs and making a list of those bad qualities.

Things are unravelling aplenty in the past few days. I can't quite decide if that's a good thing yet.
I need a life with meaning. I WANT a life with meaning.
(I think "want" is higher than "need". You can need something and yet hate it, but to want -- is a choice.)

Anyway, I've been woozy these past couple of days and I can't seem to point to where this entry is heading. So I'll just stop now and spare your time so you could do something else actually worth while.
Have a great weekend!

A coffee relationship.

I didn't send my could-be suicide note.
I could have, but thought better of it. I realize that pretending to talk about my troubles in a lightly manner would make it easier for everyone else to forget about it faster. And I need them to forget about it.
I couldn't handle it if they wanted to talk more about it. Talking makes me nervous since I am a firm believer of "speaking the truth".

But I believe in so many things so it's probably best that you don't take me too seriously.

A dear friend had said to me during the weekend, how he'd like to care for me but don't know how. I told this to my sister and she laughed. She said, "tell your friend; 'join the club!'. I've been trying for so long and still haven't figured it out."
I find that statement funny... and sad at the same time. It's not like I'm trying my best to be complicated, I just.. am. Believe me, the conflicts in my head.. I wish they were simpler.

Getting back to that letter..
It has always been my mode of communication with anyone. If I had wrote something for you particularly.. It must have meant something. I remember as I was growing up, everybody had reminded me of the letter I had wrote to my dad when I was little. I don't remember exactly what it was that I wrote but everybody just said that it was.. deep for a little kid.

Thinking about it.. probably I was meant to write things up ever since I knew how to hold up a pen. heh!
Anyway.. the reason I couldn't let the intended receiver to read my letter was because I couldn't stand the thought of how this person would reread every word that I wrote. As Plato had said;

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.
I am trying my best by not loading my troubles to anybody else. I hope at least, that that would count for something.

I think I just wrote my suicide note.

Crazy, right?
Not really.

It didn't start off as a suicide note but as I reread it.. it could've been! Except of course, for the fact that I wrote some sort of a promise in there and I would assume that people who is determined to off themselves would not write out a promise; when they don't intend to be present in the future.
(Well, except maybe if they promises to come back to haunt somebody!)

I still have my sense of humour, it seems.
I am still lightheaded. Now, this is the part where I feel a bit hypochondriac. I mean, feeling lightheaded for an entire day can't mean good.

I'll go get some sleep now.. while hoping that the letter I had sent.. and will send later today would be received calmly by the receiver.
Honesty isn't entirely good -- even I know that, but I must must MUST write it out.

Damn, I'm miserable.

Every minute of my freakin miserable life today was spent on cursing.
Sounds great, doesn't it?
At least I've got the time to curse ceremoniously.



I have a FFFF*%@$! commitment issue!! Does that come as a surprise to anybody still??

The self destructive me.

Just to update you fellas who actually cared..
Note that I actually hate updating anyone about this part of my life but I'm probably off my rockers from the lack of blood running through my brain just now.

I scored myself a job. Well, I am too great at interviews that I actually scored myself two jobs. And to top it off, I have another interview tomorrow afternoon.
Now, the self destructive part of this entry.. I am thinking of blowing it all off because I couldn't care less! hahahhahaha! Especially the one I'm supposed to go to tomorrow even though it pays very good.
Note that I'm not very money-oriented so.. RM10 is enough to keep me entertained for a bit. hehhe. I am a little hippie in the sense that I can be happy by sitting in the park just watching the leaves.

I am light headed now. On the verge of emailing Sharmini that I refuse to go to the interview tomorrow. Shit! I am so not ready to suck things up and grow up!
Sometimes I scare myself when I start thinking too much about money. Maybe I'm a little afraid that I'll lose myself.

Rationally, (yet selfishly) the best thing that can come out from getting a job is that I could save up some money. The more I make, the faster I can run away. Don't ask me what I'm running from but that's just how I feel.
Shit! I hate that I KNOW that I can do things but I have this commitment issues; contracts.. FREAKS ME OUT!!

Damn it!
I wish I could go back to this morning when I was still asleep and just PAUSE.

"I'm too sexy for a job."

Here's an attempt at writing as Paulo Coelho does:

I was sitting by myself at a cafe today. On the left side of my table sat the half-read book by Paulo Coelho that had helped me pass the time while on the right was a porcelain ashtray with a single cigarrete butt still emitting a faint smoke. My Moleskine was laid open in the center, hoping to be written with one of those rare words of wisdom or at least the words of a dream. Unfortunately its hopes wasn't met as my mind was completely empty.

It is mind-boggling how that always happens at the time I am most open for inspiration. Maybe Jean Anouilh was right;

Inspiration? A hoax that poets have invented to give themselves importance.
A word that us mere mortals tell ourselves and others as an explanation when we were struck by a momentary genius without sounding too proud nor vain.
It was when I got home that I thought of this, because for the rest of the afternoon I was contented by just staring at the bare pavement ahead of me.. seeing nothing particularly special as I thought of nothing especially particular.
----------
I was out for the entire day today (yesterday). To be quite honest, it's been a while that I've felt this busy. It's ridiculous since I did spend my entire afternoon at Coffee Bean! hahha!


I had a rendezvous with Bahijah today and it was nice. Just hung out for a bit and made ourselves weary everytime we mentioned the word; "work". Looking forward to make Ana just as weary next time! hahhaha!

Footnote: I am having the worst blister on my feet because my shoes were too cute -- naturally, it HAS to hurt. My body is such a mess, the nail on my thumb; DISGUSTING!

My darling delusions of grandeur.

In the ideal world, he'd be singing Lost as I sang Undiscovered. hehhe. But that's just in the ideal world. Ideality is just in our heads, unfortunately.

Have you ever felt like life is like chasing a closing elevator door? If you get in, things are great, but when you just missed it.. you could try pushing the button again but the door might not open. You've missed all your chances; the great things that could've happen while you were in the lift.. the people you could've met.. but all that was left to do was to wait for the elevator to run its course until it gets back to your floor again. So you wait.

I think I'm on the elevator, but the door is opening soon and I should get off so someone else could get to their floor. I feel like things are aligning this year; I get to travel around.. see my favourite football team.. catch a concert to the band I've always wanted to see.. won stuff unexpectedly.. Hardly any beef with anyone.. I don't get everything I want but I've got plenty!

I'm afraid to think that I'm attuned to the soul of the world, and the fact is just that I am one heck of a grateful person -- 'cause if I AM in harmony with the world.. I'm not ready to get off that elevator!! I still haven't done that ONE thing, so I need to be on that elevator still! God, please don't make me get off.

Maybe I could prolong my stay until I'm ready but nobody's that lucky, is there?
You know, for someone who is confident enough to do crazy things.. hardly concious of being stared at on the streets at all.. I talk A LOT about "luck".
I always have these mixed feelings. When I am doing well, with shoulders straight and my head up.. I'd say things like "confidence is ignorance" or that my confidence is actually me being an exhibitionist.
Seriously.. one of these days I need to give myself some credit! Even crazy people deserve a little credit when they're behaving, right?

Been listening to Apologize by OneRepublic recently. It's not a very good song to listen to on Raya. hahahhaha!
The thing about being too late for an apology though.. you know, you could apologize as sincerely as you possibly could and the other person could forgive you whole heartedly -- but the fact is, when it came too late.. the apology just didn't matter anymore. What was once important, no longer is. If what the two persons had was strong, they can pick up from where they had left it. But if it was shaky to begin with.. letting it go and moving on away from each other could be best.
There's a reason why wise men never mentioned about friends for-ever.

Wonderful Sunday.

Yes, you read me right.
I had a wonderful Sunday despite the sad entry earlier. I suppose I could say that a little retail therapy, a movie and good food is like Lithium to me.

First, Dida and I went to Midvalley to catch Bourne Ultimatum. Finally got the chance to see it. I know a lot of people have said that it's good but I think I'll be the minority this time and say that I wasn't particularly impressed. Yes, the acting was good.. the action impressive.. but I'd like it to be more.. wholesome. Oh, I don't know. It's a wee bit draggy and rather uneventful for me. sigh. It always makes me sad when I have to say that a movie had made absolutely no impact on me when I'm inclined to LOVE movies!

We walked around the mall looking for nothing in particular. I'm mentally and physically incapable of splurging on clothes, like I could for books (I know I'm a geek!) but I just bought some during the week, while Dida was refraining herself from buying anymore clothes for herself (or me, for that matter!) since she had already spend looaads this month!

So we left Midvalley and drove around KL.. until Dida just cruised into the basement parking of Pavillion. We hadn't felt like coming home yet and she hasn't been there. So we walked around, window shopped some more -- until I found the Dorothy Perkins belt I had wanted since last month! I've been looking for it since I got some money but they were out of my size.. but I got lucky today; just one more left! So I had to have it. heehee.
It's such a pain in the arse (and purse!) to always know what you want sometimes.

We weren't planning to get any dinner but then we walked past this place called Pasta Mania and I must RECOMMEND it!! The salad was incredibly crisp fresh (it's always ALWAYS a plus point when you can get a superbly fresh salads in a fast food place!), the tomato sauce was simply delightful (to us at least) and we can't help but adore the potato salad! (note: I LOVE potatoes.)
If you're a pasta maniac as I am.. it couldn't hurt to try out this place. Unfortunately you can only find it at Pavillion right now and their next store will open in.. err.. Gurney Plaza Penang in November. heh!


Then we went home, and at midnight.. we sat nervously in front of the telly for the Brazillian Grand Prix. What a drama! It was.. incredible! I've gained a new found love for Massa. So loyal to his team.. I wish him good karma!
Kimi Räikkönen won the championship by a mere single point! What an amazing ending to the drama it has been this year. I'm over the moon for Ferrari but upset for the fact that it was SUCH a baaad week for English sports. The football team would most probably miss out on EURO 2008.. The rugby team lost the World Cup.. and Lewis Hamilton failed to be the first rookie to win the F1 driver's championship.
Just a weekend for the Reds, I suppose; with Ferrari winning.. and so did Man U! hahha! That's good enough to keep me happy for a while.
Ooh! I'm also happy that Azraai liked Pushing Daisies!! So now I don't feel too crazy pushing everyone to watch it. (Watch it watch it WATCH IT!!)

It's Monday.. A new week! I'm going to start on a new book. The Alchemist was brilliant by the way. Such a simple story but Paulo Coelho was an amazing storyteller. Unfortunately I can't see EVERYONE enjoying the book. Somehow I feel that someone who isn't spiritual or religous even the slightest would find it hard to understand. Even I had a little hard time on some parts -- I'm almost agnostic sometimes. (Just on some things.)

Hope you guys will have a wonderful week.
I know I'm hoping for the same for myself.

I've placed links to Wikipedia on two words in this entry since I reckon you won't be too familiar with them. But if you'd known what Lithium and agnosticism were, I must commend you! Us Malaysians.. we don't get exposed to a lot of things, do we?

I'm furious but would you know it?

Dear,

I don't talk to you because you wouldn't listen. You said that I should speak to you but all you could hear were the things coming from my mouth, when I need you to listen to the things from my heart.

I don't tell you things because you couldn't respond. Even a nod would suffice but all you did was stare into space. I know now that it's impossible for you to realize that your incapability to say anything have always made me cry.

I don't speak to you because you were always so far. I wish you were closer but to be truth, I have always felt that you had more things to say than I do.

I can't share with you because you treat my stories as if they were yours, and that is the worst of all.

I know for a fact that none of you would even realize that you're the one I'm actually addresing but it's okay. I'll pretend that it's okay, like I always do. It's the story of my life. It never mattered how many friends or the number of family members I have. In the end, I'm always by myself anyway.

I've found the cause for my inhibition. There is a hundred and one.

It's been --- daaays.

And here's how little you've missed;

I went to get a passport-sized photo taken and as always; I HATED IT! They never turned out good and this time I looked like a fatty withholding flatulence! You know.. someone with a synthetic smile plastered all over their face -- highly unattractive! I HATE passport-sized photos!!

I shopped at Borders for the first time. I've always loved the store but I never actually bought anything there. Until the 17th; I blow my duit raya on three books; two of them were on my "To-read list". yeayy! But there goes my very short attempt at managing my duit Raya better this time around.

We celebrated Alia's 23rd birthday on the 18th with a BUNCH of people! That was real fun. Sliiiightly awkward at first but actually fun! Especially since I haven't seen the birthday girl for MONTHS! Johanz was awesome, I must say.


It was also a good distraction from the fact that England LOST to Russia that night. (Thanks for the score, Ilsa!) Maybe they lost because I wasn't in front of the telly but I'd hate to think that they needed me that bad. I refuse to be depended on as much! yeech!
Anyway, I can't hate the boys. I've seen the rerun; the penalty shouldn't have been given. Plus, it's cold in Russia! I'b be crappy in cold weather too. My heart is breaking nonetheless. I'll have no fun during EURO 2008 then.. unless miracle happens in the form of Russia losing in their next matches. hahha!

I've also been following the Rugby World Cup. (The Heineken ad never failed to amuse me.) The way all those grown men fight over a ball is ridiculously funny, I can't help myself. Looking forward to the final between England and South Africa (guess who's I'm rooting for!) -- also the Brazillian Grand Prix.. and the return of Premier League. hahahha!!

I went to a job interview which had felt like a real interview (I've been to three interviews before but I always feel silly everytime I walked out.) I think I did as well as the counsellors had taught me back in school (may I add that all the interviews I've been to had always turned out positive -- I suppose I'm oozing confidence in those situations) but I was particularly apprehensive and inhibited this time. I shouldn't have read The Alchemist before I entered the room. (Yes, I was that relaxed.) I just can't stop thinking about my Personal Legend (not that I've ever..) -- I even spoke about it during the interview when they asked "how do you see yourself in 3 years?"..
hahha! They shouldn't have asked, but how would they know that, right?

It seems like everybody is excited that I've been going to interviews. (Except me, naturally!) My family mainly were very curious. The thing is, I never told any of them that I was going to one; very different from my sisters whom had always asked our father to drive them to their interviews and sometimes even waited until they're done. When I got my job in Kinokuniya, I just came home one day and announced shortly that I have to go to work the next day.
I don't know why I'm like that. I'd like to blame my parents for my inhibition but I know they didn't do anything. You can call it "independence", but sometimes it's just too obvious that I'm different than my sisters.

I should've been built differently. Having mixed emotions always frustrates me. It'd be SO MUCH easier if I am driven by the need for money. The thing about my sisters.. Nina dreams of being a housewife since she was twelve. So she got married when she was 24. Dida had always wanted to be rich. She haven't had any financial problem since she landed her job. She's basically the breadwinner here. And I.. I looked up to the stars sometimes wishing for "happiness". I should've wished for something specific. Being happy is just too abstract, isn't it?
Please note that I don't hate myself. I'm just tired of being too me sometimes, that's all. Life's never easy and I never actually wanted it to be anyway.

I appreciate the interviews I've been to. In a way they're like something to do while they keep everybody off my back for a bit. They might've thought that I don't know what I want, but I do.. I'm just stuck. I know exactly what I want to do and exactly where I want to go -- I'm just not talking about it.
My sister mused on how a person who writes a LOT would keep SO MUCH while someone who doesn't write at all (that's her) could share exceedingly.

Then on Thursday I won a book from Football Crazy! HAAHAHAHAHA!! That was one of the most hilarious things ever.. yet cool! They said my name on telly.. waaay cool!! Can't wait to get my hands on that book. (Theo Walcott was the answer to the question they asked, by the way. I didn't win him.) See.. TV and football ain't all bad!


Had loads of fun with my sisters and brother in-law on Friday. Dida had bought a bunch of fireworks and WE were laughing so hard as we tried for perfection on our pictures. Timing is SUCH an important key!


Well, I think that's a LOT of things happening in the course of four days. I even had to leave out some just so I wouldn't be bored reading this again (as I believe you would too..) I shall have a lot more next week, be warned!!

Hope you guys are having a good weekend.
And Azraai, when I'm in love.. you'll know. So please don't guess that I have a boyfriend when I say that I have an "amusing month" again next time! It's demeaning! hahahhaha!

Question:

What made you read this blog?
A. Pure interest in what I've been up to -- and you read every word of it.
B. Pure interest in what I've been up to -- but you always skip draggy paragraphs/entries where I mostly yack about football or some other sport.
C. Curiousness for my past, where I would write it with wit/sarcasm when I reminisce about them -- which you find amusing.
D. My frequent psycho-babble or philosophical theories that you may or may not relate to.
E. Something else.. completely your opinion.

Do me a favour, be a doll and drop a comment at the comment link (at the bottom of this entry) and not the chatterbox. You can remain anonymous if you like -- not that I'd understand why, but what ever rocks your boat, mate!

Dida gave me a sodding flu on the second day of Raya by the way, the git! Then she bought me a really neat sweater before we went to see Now I Pronounce You Chuck & Larry which makes it all bearable. heehee. But I should be taking some time away resting and calming my nerves or I'll simply curse in between of my coughs.
I hope you guys are having a better week that I am.

Top 5 reasons to Jump Off The Roof By The 4th Day of Raya

5. Having my mom's cousins telling me that I made a big mistake leaving college.
4. The thought of reuniting with 3D modelling.
3. Getting lectured how experience is IMPORTANT and that degrees/certificates doesn't promise anyone excellence in their jobs.
2. Being spoken to like I haven't had a single reasonable thought in my mind.
1. Get all heated up yet unable to voice out my feelings and thoughts.. because well, you're not supposed to make a scene in the presence of the relatives that you only see once a year.

I'm not saying that I can't be lectured -- ever, but I am naturally morbid.. border line depressed. My rebellious streak is only a facade to make me look strong. That's the truth. (Well, it could be!) I honestly prefer getting my head blown up than listening to people telling me things that I already know.

Okay, it's not necessary for me to sound that suicidal by the way. So if you're actually worried about me, you could call this list; 5 Reasons to Leave The Country and Not Bothering Coming Home On Raya. heh!

Eid me.

Suikerfeest!
Now, I had only picked up very little of Dutch but Sugar Fest sounds a little sickly sweet for me. Cheery -- but sickly.

First day of Raya... aaaah..
I woke up in the morning and grumpily made myself presentable as the family would make our way back to Bukit Kapar. I haven't been excited about Raya for yeaaarss now. I guess it just wears off as you get older.

It's almost like how people say that suicide rates go up during the holiday season.. but since we're Muslim and Eid is obviously a religious celebration.. people just be depressed quietly. Maybe we'll jump off the roof next month.. y'know, after Syawal is over..
hahhaha! God, I can't even be sure if that was sarcastic or just plain morbid!

But the morning turns out fine. My father is speaking to me again after almost two weeks and a month. HAHHAHAHA! I know that sounds completely awful. I am an AWFUL child to have but I think I have a very intense relationship with my family. No middle grounds; love like crazy.. mad whole heartedly. heehee.
Ah well, no family's perfect. So happens that mine consists of two egotistical headstrongs. hahhaha!

It's always funny seeing the family on Raya. My father's side.. are rather sensitive people. Maybe it's a Javanese thing, I don't know but the whole room seemed to be in tears at one point. I laughed of course. It would make sense if the elders were the only ones crying, but there were people my age -- and even younger with red puffy eyes! It's.. amazing. Amusing.

My dad with puffy eyes after all the relatives had taken turns to ask for forgiveness. heehee
It's still applicable for me to get duit Raya apparently. I think it's embarassing. I don't deserve it but you know that I find all these amusing. I should try and manage the money better this time around.

A bunch of the family couldn't make it unfortunately. Work.. overseas.. other responsabilities.. I look entirely FAT by the way. Maybe I am.
On the eve of Eid, I'd spent it with Dida and Kak Freddy shopping for things that are completely inappropriate to wear on Eid -- unless you feel tube tops and sleeveless are fine!
We also dined at that place San Francisco Steakhouse -- which I would RECOMMEND!! Very good place to eat; good food.. excellent service (which is always a plus PLUS!) and killer drinks.
If you feel particularly adventurous.. take a chance on the Virgin Mary. It's a mocktail, so you shouldn't worry.. There's no alcohol in there.. just a punch.
Now.. I should be off celebrating more of the Eid -- with football!! GO ENGLAND!! hahahha!
*jumps out of the chair and settles comfortably in front of the telly*

It's incredible..

We'll be celebrating the Eid on Saturday. Just one day left of fasting! Time had never zoomed by as fast. Wow.. I've wasted SO much time!

I can't remember being obviously rude or mean in the past year so you won't read me apologizing for things I don't know of. Now, if I HAD done wrong to you.. please tell me. You know how to reach me.
I can't be sincere if I don't know what I should be sorry for, can I?

Some of MY apologies are in the mail by the way -- or will be! heehee. I'm simply better at writing. Apologies always make me laugh; it's my way of handling stress unfortunately. I laugh at serious things.

I hope you'll have a wonderful time during the holiday!
I for one CAN'T WAIT to be able to eat in daylight again! I've already made a list of things and places I want to go to eat!! hahahhaha!!

Happy Raya, guys!

I have a thought..

so suddenly..
how all the answers in the world couldn't make me any happier.

Being the pain in the ass that I am (and even worse to myself!), I always find my answers anyway. It's the curse of logical thinking actually! You should see the IQ tests I've done -- I'm not exactly stupid!

Some days I wish I was. (Lie lie!!)
Well, things would SEEM easier if you think less, don't you agree?

Maybe we are meant to never be satisfied. It's God's sick trick so we'd work harder.. try harder.. pray harder.. so we can achieve something BETTER than what's in front of us.
Improvement is always good, right?
Maybe it's only me who thinks this way. Or at least have thought of this. You would probably think about it after reading this.

It's sad when your basic reasonings blames you for everything wrong that has ever happened in your life. I for one can't possibly mess up my own head myself. I just hope that one day I could figure out what had triggered it all. It'd be interesting! (I should stop thinking that EVERYTHING is a learning experience! hahhaha!)

You've probably heard it.. or you probably don't, how they say.. "Semua yang baik datangnya dari Tuhan, dan yang buruk adalah kelemahan saya sendiri" ("All the good things had come from God, and the bad things are from my own weaknesses")
Not a very good thing to say.

Damn, I'm too philosophical for religion!

Pie-lette

Remember about this time last year when I yack about Heroes and now it turns out to be one of the best shows on telly? Well, this year I am going to talk about
Pushing Daisies!

If you ever get the chance to see it, PLEASE! It's such a wonderful quirky show and I love love looove it!

It is about Ned who has a gift of bringing back dead people to life with his touch and it's really funny.. and sweet (so sweet I could cry!!).. a little sad.. simply filled with quirky-goodness. (Well, I have to be fair -- I love quirks! I cursed the day I found out Wonderfalls got cancelled; which Lee Pace AKA Ned had also starred in as the brother.)
I can't tell you more than what I have because then I'd spoil the show's very own story telling.

The beautiful Anna Friel is the heroine of the show and she's got her own story! Very cool. I think she did well hiding her British/possibly Irish accent (as we'd seen her on Goal!) for the show. Not perfect, but well enough! Really like her as Chuck! heehee.

Anyway.. WATCH IT!
I hope one of the stations over here will get the rights to show it just so that more people could enjoy it.

Have a good day, everyone.

Let's go Devils!

*clap clap clap clap clap!*
Let's go Magpies!
*clap clap clap clap clap*

teeheehee. What a brilliant weekend for sports! Hamilton not finishing his race -- which made it a three-way battle between him, Alonso and Raikkonen for the championship winner, to be decided in the next -- and FINAL race of the season!
Manchester United scored their first FOUR goals in a match against Wigan after their single-goal spell for.. 6 matches since the season started. (yawn!)
And Newcastle United beat Everton 3-2 which is SUCH a relief! I especially love their second goal. It seemed like everybody (Smith, Butt, Owen..) touched the ball before Emre scored it. I must say though, the score should've stayed 3-1. I've said it before and I'm saying it again.. Given is NOT a highly convincing goalkeeper's name.
So that kind of blows. Plus the fact that Smudge have collected five yellow cards so he's going to miss the next match.
Who am I kidding? I am going to miss him in the next match! hahhaha!

MOVING ON!

I think it's a good thing that I've never been in Europe during autumn. I'm even crazy about jackets and coats while I'm in the hot and humid Malaysia! Surely it'd be a lot more awful if I was actually in someplace where they actually need to wear coats.

Ooh! I almost forgot.. The latest fall-TV is awesome! Especially loving House. heehee. Heroes ain't bad as well..

Okay. Haven't got anything else to share. To be quite honest, I think you've been reading too much of me.

Pronounce me dead.

I wish I wasn't as easily freaked out as I am.
I cannot tell how much I'd appreciate it if I was more.. ordinary.

You know.. the kind that listens to what they're told. Sure, bitch about it behind their backs but still.. do it anyway.
Some days I wish that I was less.. rebellious.

They say; love yourself.
Who are they anyway? How irrational they must be to love themselves no matter when. Can ANYONE love themself when they are on the right path to self-destruction? That would be incredible.

I HATE the fact that I can get all excited about the thought of working one day and get completely depressed the next. God, why must attachments bring me so much fear??
heh. Wouldn't it be fancy if I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder? It'd probably explain a lot. O shit. I think I really should get a psych consult.

sigh. Some days I wish that I have all the answers. But if I do, I'd do myself no favour as I recite;

Judge a man by his questions rather than by his answers.

Voltaire

OHH GOD! I've become boring!!

What a tiring day..
I had to go out so early in the morn without having a proper sleep -- almost embarrassed myself everytime I got onto the commuter train.

So earlier, I met a nice Chinese lady oddly named Sharmini.
Sharmini itself is NOT an odd name.. it's just odd for a Chinese, that's all. I didn't say that to her of course. I thought she was too nice for me to be myself. heh!
I also did a test to know how many words per minute I could type.. 43wpm!! I thought that was slow, but Sharmini said that was fast! heehee. Excellent!

I was around Midvalley earlier. But instead of delaying my return home.. fooling around or catching a movie.. I decided to do the responsible thing and get back to Shah Alam and return to school!
hahahha! Well, there's no real drama.. I just decided that it's time for me to collect my SPM certificate. Yess -- after 6 whole years! It had also been six years since I last went to my high school. Everything seemed smaller somehow.. and not at all as I had left it.

On a different note, Dida got into another accident this morning. I don't know whether I had lost my soul or my heart has turned into stone.. but my first reaction was to LAUGH!
Maybe that's her way of saying that that's her car. A psychotic kind of rite of passage.
I've passed worry now.
I'll just be my amused self and laugh at frivolity. I know that's what I do best.

Here's one..

I like to do things my way.
Pushing me into a corner would usually mean that you are willing to risk me fleeing the scene altogether.
Some days, I need to do things my way. Maybe it's because the Moon was in Leo when I was born! hahahha. My point is, doesn't matter how intimate my friends and family are with me.. the real things that goes on in my life.. They'd only know it when they do, and never before.
Am I making sense? Probably not.

Maybe it's a little insensitive and irresponsible -- which would usually lead to recklessness (heh!) but it's the way I roll.. bebbeh.

In a way, I'd like to blame my childhood for this. Being 5-6 years apart from my sisters, I never had a bestfriend while I was growing up. Play-mates, I have plenty! But somebody to talk to.. really talk to.. I never had one. And I'd never mess with the chemistry that my two sisters have. I dunno.. maybe it's just "the psyche of the youngest sibling".

You know.. getting bullied by your sister 'til you actually spoke of suicide.. (yeah, I went through that when I was EIGHT! How distressed/dramatic you must be to know about suicide when you're eight!) Somehow you just suck it up and well.. get pass that! It had always bothered me that I never had my own gang when my two sisters decided that I wasn't cool enough to be their sister that day. Probably that's how I mastered the art of Sadness! Constant practice! hahahhaha!

Good God! I hope I'll never be offered to do an autobiography!!!
My childhood seemed pretty dark, huh? Geez...

Anyway, do you ever see me work for money?
I can't seem to picture myself being driven by money. It's awful! I mean.. what else can actually drive me on then? Self satisfaction? Maaan, that sounds too goody-goody.
I hope I'll get satisfaction once I'm famous. *wink!*

--and I want you to know..

Ironically.. I actually keep my life quite private.
I know that the statement sounds quite funny. After all, I've had this blog for 5 years for God's sake!

But really.. do you honestly believe that this is my life?

I honestly wish that I was more open. Now you would think, "sure you can do that! Just open up and share.."
Perfectly correct. Except for the fact that when I start to, my head would immediately scream "SHUUT UUPPPPP!!! Big mistaaaake!!"

Damn.
It's just one of those days when I feel like I'm living a double life.
Not that I expect even half of you would understand...

I love football.

sigh. I know I don't need to say it (it's too obvious from my constant football-rambling) but I feel that I must say it. Know what else that I love? Bohemian Rhapsody. Maaan, I LOVE that crazy song. I just feel that the song is brilliant -- crazy sound, strong crazy lyrics.

Remember those times around the last World Cup where I HATED Christiano Ronaldo? (Hello, Stupid, Sore throat, Outing!) Well, I like him now. I think he's quite wonderful. It's horrible, I even like his voice now! And I can't help but felt for him as he bled just now.

I'm getting a hang of Facebook. I'm possibly having a little too much fun adding those 'applications' onto my profile though. I must blame my friends for telling me about it, and especially Kak Freddy and Kak Kole for inviting me to use all those silly applications! hisyy.. merepek, tapi main gak! hahahha! I'm actually trying my best NOT to add anything more that I won't be using.

I got a shocker in the mail yesterday.
hahhahaha! I swear, if I had known that registering to be a voter would make them send me junk mails and SMSes (no matter how polite they may sound,) I wouldn't have done it. hahhaha! Honestly, do I look like I give SHIT about POLITICS??
Well, maybe they knew I'd potentially vote for the opposition just to shake things up. (Very likely, I must admit.)

That's about it for the time being.
For my future reference: United beat Roma, one nil with Rooney scoring at the 70th minute. Awesome football! Sure, it's a different feeling when supporting a non-great team -- but to have supported a team that WON is always best. heehee.

edited on 1:57 PM.
Oooh! I forgot! Talking about awesome football; the most awesome football was on Monday, Aston Villa against Tottenham Hotspur. It was an INCREDIBLE football!! Four goals on each sides.. I have to feel sorry for the Spurs fan who went out of the stadium early when they were down by three goals. hahhaha! Shows that it's always good to have a little faith..

My friends,the career women.

--and man!
sigh. I am so proud of them.
Probably that's where I'm wrong. I SHOULD envy them, but I just feel an extreme pride for the fact that they've all grown up! hahhaha!

To be honest.. I should put as much effort into my Moleskine as I have on my blog -- and I know that. I am just.. letting myself to get stuck in this standstill.
Horrible, ain't it?

I'm currently trying out this Facebook thingamajiggy. Not sure if I can stamp it as "cool" just yet. I think I am more to confused with it.
Probably should play with it for a bit but heck! My The Office download is finally complete!! WOOOOOHOOOOOOOO!!!!! Let's go season 4!

Short lines.

1. Because I'm lazy and it's not like you're too keen to read my draggy entries.

2. Supporting a non-great team makes me wonder what they have done for me to gain my loyalty.

3. In case you haven't known.. my loyalty (and faith!) is BLIND. I'm an even sicker Backstreet Boys' song; As Long As I Love You. A criminal.. a wanker.. complete rubbish.. If I love you, I really do. 'Til the point I get my heart broken, of course. (Or bored.)

4. I have seriously funny friends. THANK YOU! You should know who you are.

5. I make a lousy football manager (be it only in fantasy) -- I practice favouritism.

6. Given is not a convincing name for a goal keeper.

7. The Japan Grand Prix was entertaining -- 19 laps behind the safety car; absolutely rubbish! I wanted drama, which fortunately I get after a while. The rain makes the race so much colourful!
Also.. Takuya Kimura was at the Toyota pits during the qualifying round! That was nice.

8. I miss Johma krab salade on that Blue Ribbon white bread. sigh. And Albert Heijn. double sigh.

9. I am open for questions if there's any. AHHAHAHHAHA!
Ohh, and there's no #10 'cause that'd be just too corny!