oooh?

Dida forgot to hide the modem.. or has she forgiven me completely? ♥
sigh. I probably shouldn't be using the laptop but I can't help it! eeep!
I've been riding in her car this past few days so I was able to listen to some relatively new Indon songs. (whoopee!) I needed that really.
I needed new songs to listen to as much as I needed unnecessary details on her love life, and I needed that as much as I needed to let go of my misplaced effort at being constantly angry. sigh.
Big chance that she'll hide the modem again tomorrow though. blah.
Anyway.. in case she reads this; Dida, I actually missed you.. (I hate that I'm turning into a mush..) Which is why I keep thanking you yesterday. It wasn't JUST for the hat. Thank you..

I suppose going into the new year isn't going to be so bad.
For one, I am not having any beef with anyone.. (hopefully this lasts! hahaha!) And I retrieved my watch!! Ablen, Ablen!! I found the watch that you gave me! hahahha! Well.. it wasn't really lost. Misplaced more like. I'd always thought that I dropped it somewhere around here but Jasmin handed it to me on Saturday while I was in Seremban. heehee. I'd actually "lost" the watch for three freakin' months!! Amusing though.. it was the third time I'd lost the watch.. and it got lost for three months. What's the number of the day, kids?

Loving this Indon song: since Lifelogger died, we'll have to make do with 4shared.
I'm honestly horrible at translating Indon songs because they are so poetic and my words can't seem to do it justice but the bridge and chorus basically goes like this;

I keep feeling that this longing is excruciating
really my life now feels like a disappointment
when you are not here

My dear I want you to know
my dear I want you to understand
At this second I am missing you
who are far away

I feel like running
to bring you back
into my arms.. only in my arms.

bahahhaha! So jiwang la wei. Tak tahan. I am SO one of you now, eh Bahijah? :P

Okay, I'm definitely not going to post any more blog entries until the new year, so..
Have a happy new year, everyone!
Hopefully 2009 will be an excellent year that will bring us an abundant of joy and happiness. I also hope that we won't ever run out of laughter, fun, friends and love. ♥
Since I'm throwing around wishes anyway, I also hope that we'll come by loads and loads of money!! HAHAHHAHA! Well, the more reasonable version should sound like; hopefully that all the projects we've begun will flourish and be fruitful.

*hugs*
*extra hugs for Boyfie*

Flaws and all.

My mom brought home a travel mag the other day and I probably shouldn't have looked through it..
Looking at the pictures breaks my heart. gah!
I don't want to be heerrree!!! I can't stress upon that enough.

I saw Bahijah the other day -- which was of course, nice and awesome! Haven't seen her in a while. Funny how the first thing she said to me wasn't "hello", but; "I bet you haven't showered yet." hahhaha! My friends knows me too well.. but what did she expect? She called me just 5 minutes before she came over! rawr!

mm.. another year is ending.
I can't help it!! I keep feeling this way (semi-depressed) every single year! bah! It's just so typical for me.. like some age old pagan ritual..
When the twelfth half-moon rises and the night is gloom, dress down to your nature suit, lay down with your face away from North and be depressed..
Although I don't really strip to be depressed. heh.

I suppose 2008 hasn't been so bad.. although I haven't got much to show for. Still jobless despite wanting to be employed since last year! hahahha. There's a couple of hit and misses though. I can't help it. I know that with my education background and experience (or total lack of it!) I shouldn't be picky but I just couldn't help it. Just couldn't bring myself to take a job only for the sake of money -- and so of course, I am now completely broke!

I didn't get to too many 'events' compared to last year even though 2008 is the year of the Rat; my year. I turned 24 and I'm nowhere close to owning my pair of Louboutins. sigh.
Though I found love in the most unexpected circumstances. I mean.. what are the chances that I'd be hooked to a game online? And what are the chances that I'd go for online dating? hahhahha! Those two were highly improbable chances that had somehow happened this year and I must say that I'm glad that it did.
Very very glad.

So anyway.. I guess you win some, you lose some..?
But I hope next year I'll just win WIN WINNNN!!
hahahahha!

Hope you'll have a good year ahead, dear readers.. Also, drink responsibly. heehee.

My forecast:

December 22nd for Ida

You can inspire others today with your creative, intense energy. Just being around you can make other people want to go out and take on creative challenges. You can really be a very powerful individual.


Riiight...

What about me though? I don't mean to sound selfish.. but what about me?? Who will inspire me??
I get that life isn't fair.. but this blows! And I'm tired. Tired of nothing which is just HORRIBLE!
Okay, I'm not writing anymore. I was doing SO well with my uppity-dippity-mood entries. It's hard to hold on to that actually. sigh.

Guess all I can say now is that I'll try not to dwell in this.

A page off my Moleskine;

Yes yes.. falling..

Here's an anology of my life for the past week;
It had felt as if I am free falling without a parachute. I'm screaming.. flailing my arms around -- but honestly, who could help me when I'm falling from the sky right? So the second logic crept into my mind, I stopped screaming. I stopped waving my arms. I simply stared at the fastly approaching ground with my quiet resolve.. I want to stop falling. I want this to end. Come on ground, let me have it. But I haven't been getting what I want lately, so maybe I won't have my face smacked on the ground after all. Maybe I'll just keep falling with the image of the ground getting closer and closer.. and closer. Constant displeasure throughout my life and not knowing how to end it. Maybe there is no end to this misery; of constant doubt.. of constant fear.. of constant displeasure towards life and everything that it embodies.

Perhaps I shoul pray more. (Or truthfully in my case -- actually pray.) I suppose remembering God everyday and but not exactly doing as I was told could be considered as cheating.I don't know.. who ever knows about anything anyway? To be in the know is probably the ground that I'm falling to. Maybe it won't do any good to me except break every one of my bones hurt the hell out of me.

I should just pray. Pray for my peace of mind for once. Perhaps I've been lost and in need to be found.
I could hope for a miracle that a sky diver would shoot towards me and swoop me into his arms just before he pulls his chute. But to hope for something like that just go against my core principle. As much as the idea appeals to me, I don't want to be saved! I'd rather not get to the point where I need saving. I'd jumped off the plane, I should face the consequences. I need to start taking responsibilities, don't I?

Anyway, these words had carried me away. I'd forgotten honestly what all these are the metaphors of. It had all made sense as I was writing it, but now.. not so much. hahhaha!

Moving on -- my birthday on Saturday wasn't half bad at all! I was sung to three times, had an awesome day out with friends, ate good food, listened to some good music, got a few pressies (which I ADORE!) and had cake!
Anyway, I had fun on that day.. So thank you Three A's!! hahahha! That's what I'm calling you guys now.
The full thank you list is on my Facebook note.

On a way different note -- Prosperity Burger is back y'all!!! There's even a Double Beef Prosperity Burger!
So I suppose CNY is approaching? hahhaha!

A day to mourn.

Of course.

Honestly I have such little expectation for the day that my only wish honestly is to get a cone of Baskin-Robbins ice cream. Honestly.
I promise I won't find anything to cry about today if I can just get my hands on that. Really.

Seriously. That's all I want.

this entry was written days ago but scheduled to be published on this day.

curse December..

Let's see.. I'm beginning to think that December kinda sucks.
Actually.. I think that EVERY SINGLE year.. it's like.. every bad things of the year happens in December. Earthquakes.. tsunami.. landslides.. floods.. my birth.
HAHHAHAHAHHA! (not that funny, I know.)

What's amusing though.. is how people born in December ought to be lucky and stuff.. I'm beginning to think that they're lucky because they survived despite all the bad things that happened.
Way to go. I feel so special now.

Wee morn of last Sunday had felt like a nightmare to me. It'd felt as if I was stabbed in the heart and as I fell and lay sprawled on the cold floor with my life ebbing away, my stabber stood over me smirking as he admired the blood soaking the front of my shirt and spreads across the floor.
Oh yes, I do feel like a writer for coming up with those words to describe how I'd felt. But oh, I'm a brat. My "hardships" is laughable, honestly so I won't go into details. Enough to say that I should be locked up for my stupidity and extremely lame hopefulness. I could cry if I hadn't felt like I was dying and rotting at the same time.
Who am I kidding? I did cry. hahhaha! Been a while since I'd felt as low as I did. Ah well.. things got slightly better though.
Just slightly. What ever.

I'd like for this month to be over please.

Hello Friday...

There isn't much to share..
Just having a thought.. or wish really.. A hope;

That love will find a way.

Hello Wednesday..

I'm so boooreeeddd!!
Being efficient numbs my brain.
If only I could stay in bed 'til noon. If only my dreams wouldn't keep surprising me every night. hahahha! sigh.

So I got out of bed this morning and took a shower while I wait on the washing machine.. hung the clothes and went out. Like really.. now I don't feel like going home 'cause I won't have anything to do. Make lunch? God!! I am not made for these homey-things!!!!

It's depressing really. Funny.. being efficient depresses me -- only because it means that I have nothing else to do!! hahahahha!!

bah. Anyway, I'm upset. I pray that somehow.. magically I will find the words to finish my manuscript.. or something. Then I'll find an agent, get my book published.. go on book tours.. make loads of money so I could build a house.. also buy an apartment.. take some time off and drag Boyfie to Europe..
I've said too much, haven't I?
ah well.. a girl can dream. (and yes, that is pretty much my conscious dream. My subconscious dreams makes less sense.)

Okay, I'm getting a lil self conscious now since my tummy keeps grumbling. I hate it when that happens. bah! Guess I'll go home and think of what to make on the way back..

Hello Monday..

How was everybody's weekend? heh.
Mine was.. a bunch of things.

See.. Friday night, I went to bed feeling kinda.. off, but I had a funny dream the next morning that I'd actually snorted and smiled when I opened my eyes. I thought it'd look pretty freaky if someone had seen me.

I spent the whole of Saturday in front of the telly. There was the Australia's Next Top Model marathon on V. haha! Although I did watch No Reservations on Travel & Living. Seeing Anthony Bourdain in Saudi Arabia was really cool. I don't know.. he wasn't as snarky as he usually was but the show was still entertaining. It was amusing 'cause they were laughing so much.

Sunday was fun. It was Ana's birthday and though she had things planned over in OU (it's hard for me to get there) I couldn't bring myself to say no to her. (It's Ana after all..) I love youuuuu!

So as I was heading to KL Central on the commuter, the guy next to me kept finding things to talk about. He wasn't the Manir-type, so I couldn't think of anything to ask him -- not even his zodiac sign! *cue dramatic sound* That's a first right? hehehe. He managed to comment on my face (that I look like 18 or 20), that I could look elegant if I was wearing contacts (HAHHAHAHA!!), that the colour I was wearing looked good on me (I just shrugged at this one). Then when we got to Central, we both stood up and he made another comment; "oh, you're tall when you stand up." HAHHAHAHAHAHHA!! It's sad when guys had to make that kind of comment really. (sorry.)
Then when we both part ways he'd ask for my number again and I told him in a sing song; "You can't have it.." hahhahahhahahahaha!! Saying it that way was actually fun. Oh! The guy was 32. Why do I keep attracting old men, really??
I'd like to say that I'd much prefer to attract men about my age but I don't think Boyfie will approve. heehee!


Anyway, I met up with Ana and the bunch of guys she invited at this obscure karaoke place. There was Port, Zam and Otot. Amjad, Fariz and Bahijah came later. It was.. SO MUCH FUN!! I think Ana sang to EVERY song. hahahhaha!! She was really cute. I can't decide which song was the funniest; it's a tie between 4U2C's Fiona and Senario's Kerja. hahahahha!!
Anyway, it was a fun night.. ♥

Happy December everyone..

meh..

That is exactly what I said yesterday as the credits to Twilight rolled away.
"meh.."
It wasn't bad.. but it wasn't great.. As I said to Kak Yan the other day; if only the books were shitty.

It was funny sitting in the cinema though. There were.. TOO MANY GIRLS! And a bunch of BOYS. Basically, there weren't any of the "adult" type around.
Story-wise.. the funny parts were funny I must admit. But I didn't feel for Edward and Bella. I didn't get why they fall in love. It'd seem so RANDOM in the movie. Like they just happened to fall for each other.
But it did NOT just happened!!! It's the little things between them that had somehow made one perfect for the other. grr..
I thought they'd at least get the relationship-connection part right. sigh.

Anyway, I had a bit of an adventure today. The internet place that I usually go to is closed (because it's Friday?) so I had to try out other places. And as I'm writing this.. I'm actually at the third place I've been to. hahahha! I spent 60cents at the first place, RM2 at the second.. I think I'm going to have to pay up RM4 here.

hmm.. Nothing much to type here really.
Life's been pretty stagnant. I don't know.. other than my dreams getting weirder and weirder and that the quality of my sleep is getting poorer and poorer, nothing much else is different. sigh.
Sad, pathetic and upsetting. And no, I'm not feeling depressed -- yet.

Shout out to Cik Bahijah..
This blog is open to invited readers only
http://jazzinme.blogspot.com/
Ape nieee?? I'm not invited? So sad!

'Til next time then.. who knows when that is. And I have got to stop checking my Facebook from my phone.. think I have RM10 left on my credit. ha ha ha.

Dramedy dramedy...

So there's been a bit of drama in my life lately. With things not going my way.. people being jerks.. but I don't know, as I was sitting in my bed earlier.. staring at the bookshelf while I muster the strength to pick myself up and get my legs to take the steps that will take me to the bathroom, I find myself smiling.. and chuckling at the fact that my life is what it is..

Ah well, I do have a weird sense of humour.
But can you imagine how would I be if my sense of humour had been normal? I can laugh at the most unlikely things and still I feel very low sometimes. hmm.. I just came up with a theory for that but I don't feel like typing it out right now. Maybe someday if I brought on the subject again.

Been trying to book a ticket for Twilight this Thursday, but they're all FULLY BOOKED!! wtf. I'm going during the day! And I only want A ticket!! grr.. Guess I'll have to just go and stand in line like "normal people" and pray that there will be good seats left. sigh.
Plenty of seats left in Signature, but do I want to spend RM15 for a movie that I might be disappointed in?? gahh!

So I've been thinking..
ANYONE HERE WANTS TO GET ME A LAPTOP? hahahaha!! (talk about random. I've been doing that this past few days somehow.) Because I remembered something about a band that calls out to their fans to donate instruments.. anything, really and they promise to thank them on their album -- and they did! Apparently there was a long list of names on their album leaflet. Can't remember what band it was...
So anyway! Anyone wants to get me a laptop? heehee. I'll thank you in my book (if I get it done -- AND published, that is) for sure! HAHAHHAHAHAHA!

Funny Facebook group: click!
These people are probably serious, but I still find it amusing.

And now, before I leave..
wo ai ni, Lim Ai Liang!!
hahahahhaha. (Your Chinese name sounds cute, really..)
I miss you miss you miss youuuu!

10:10 ten ten..

So I had an interesting Saturday.
Went to catch a movie with some old uni friends and some new friends.
It was nice seeing that bunch again. Fina and Amal.. (who are now married and leaving for Hajj this weekend) Nana and Wan.. (also married, and expecting. eeep!) There were also Ina and Amri. (err.. why do my friends comes in couples? hahhaha!) Then there was Bahijah (minus Ilsa) and also Ana!
Actually it's a little unnerving when I think about people my age.. having a solid relationship or even a spouse! High school sweethearts.. or been together for over three years.. yikes! Well, that's just me though.
Ana, do you feel anything?
My heart kinda race when I think about it.

Fina chose Quarantine.. seriously. Good thing Nana didn't come along. I mean.. seriously. I think I didn't pay as much attention as I should on the movie. Really.. I can't take it!
Please please.. no more horror/thriller flicks for me. My brain can't take it. It should be fine if I could leave the story at the cinema but it haunts me when I lie in bed at night. And zombies.. really.. they bring up so many issues.

I had a real bad sleep last night. Nothing to do with zombies though. I kept tossing and turning all night that my entire body aches right now. And it was cold from the rain. blah. I suppose having cried a little before falling asleep didn't help either. Not too sure exactly what brought that on though. psh. It's probably better forgotten.

Anyway, I'm hoping that I'd faint and fall asleep soon.

Sagittarians are stubborn.

Not that I need to, but I read about these kinds of things. Compatibilities mostly. It's bordering obsession. (Maybe I've already crossed that line.) After all, most of my friends knew how to answer me when I ask them; "What is he/she?" The ones whom I am only acquainted with would answer me with his/her day jobs. My friends would answer me with a zodiac sign. hehe. (And that's why I LOVE THEM!!)

So when it comes to relationships.. I'm actually a little reserved. Knowing what the other person is makes me careful.. and to not even bother with them, sometimes. (eeep!)
But really, I'm a firm believer that you hold your own fate. (sort of.) Qada' & Qadar -- just because God has written your life in a certain way, it doesn't mean that you can take it easy. Doesn't mean that things couldn't change. Does not mean that your life will remain the same if you stay the same.
When things between two people happens.. it happens! Doesn't matter what the studies says. Just because the statistics says one thing, doesn't mean that I am among those numbers. I could be the anomaly that stumps those rigid researchers; the 0.01% that throws their entire study from being "absolute".

HAHHAHAHHA! You know I'd love that.

Just because the studies shown that I can't be with a particular sign, doesn't mean that things couldn't change. I believe that things could work out -- if you want to work it out. (Then again, I'm a Sag.. do take note that I'm so stubborn that I'll believe in anything that I want to believe in and that NOTHING you say could change my mind.. or heart, for that matter.)
It's good to be fighting with a Sag anyway.. it shows that they truly care about the issue. It's when they stop fighting that everyone should worry about. It'll only mean one of two things; that they don't feel like themselves anymore.. or that they no longer care. In both cases, they'd lost their fire.

So I'm stubborn.
I refuse to be among the statistics. (My numbers are bad if I am one.) I am hopeful.. it's just one of Sag's nature. And I know it's silly to say that since I am telling you that I am not among the numbers.. but hey! There are cusps.. Rising Signs, Ascending Signs.. the order of your birth, the environment you were brought up in, your parents..
Those things matter when it comes to the make up of a person -- which then matters to the kind of relationship that they have with other people. (Then there's the order of your partner's birth, the environment they were brought up in.. THEIR parents..)

hahahha. Anyway.. really.. I refuse to believe that MY relationship is doomed to fail. So the studies can show and tell me anything that they like. I like what I like. I feel what I feel. My heart wants what it wants. And that's that.

This blog entry is in response to Jangteh's blog entry. hehe. Just couldn't help myself. The whole thing just made me think. I've never had a really good relationship with a Capricorn myself; the two I used to be friendly with completely irked me -- one always gave me a strong urge to flick something at her way. And I used to get on a cousin's nerve when we were younger. But there was one Capricorn that I used to be best friends with. She was loud, but she was AWESOME. I loved her anyway. She moved away and I have no idea how she is doing these days.
Anomalies.

I think Lifelogger died.

:(
So sad. I like Lifelogger.

Dudes! Let's celebrate my birthday at Zoukout! hahhaha! Apparently it's on my birthday this year. Pretend that I actually listen to dance music. HAHAHAHHA. I'm having a hard time pretending myself.

Anyway, I'm bored. I feel like writing but there's nothing to write. Should find something to eat but bah! I'm so lazyyyy!! I wonder if there's anything that I could pop into the microwave other than the bag of popcorn. hahahha!

ughh.. Anyway, I'm stealing one of Hannah's surveys again;

1) Single, Taken, or Crushing?
Taken! Taken taken taken!

2) Are you happy with where you are?
No. I'd rather be somewhere else.

3) When you meet the right person, do you fall fast?
Nope. I fall in slow motion.

4) Have you ever had your heart broken?
Yeah, it was unfortunate.

5) Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where if they cheated on you and you are planning to dump them then
I used to be able to answer this straight forward, but now I'm not sure.

6) Would you ever take someone back if they cheated on you?
Depends on how hurt I was over it.

7) Have you talked about marriage with another person?
Nooooooo.

8) Do you want children?
Yes please.

9) How many?
Not many. Maybe I'll have one first and we'll see how that goes.

11) If somebody liked you right now, what do you think is a cool way to let you know?
Now? I'd prefer they keep it to themselves really. It'll make me feel bad if they tell me and I can't respond them with what they want to hear.

12) Do you enjoy playing hard to get?
haha. The only times I've played hard to get is when they can't get me at all.

13) Do you want someone you cant have?
I don't think so.

14)Do you believe love at first sight exists?
Not really. Not for me anyway.

15) Do you believe in celebrating anniversaries?
Yes please! heehee. It's unnecessary really, but it's nice to have.

16) Do you believe that you can change someone?
Not if they don't want to change themselves.

17) If you could get married anywhere, where would it be?
A beach.. or a garden in a secret location! hahahha.

18) Do you have feelings for someone right now?
YESSS!

19) Have you ever wished you could've had someone but you couldnt?
Yes, but things happens for a reason, no? I'm glad I didn't get them then. heehee.

20) Have you ever broken a heart?
err.. yes.

21) Would you ever fight over a guy/girl?
maybe not.

Umm.. so..

Hello!

Been a while. I haven't been on a hiatus just so you know. Not an intentional one anyway.
My mom installed a virus on my sis' laptop so she's getting it fixed. It's amazing how dependent I've become to the internet. I'm surprised at how much it's been my source of distraction! bah.

Anyway, I'd love to upload a few pics of my trip to Singapore but for what ever reason the external hd that I brought from home isn't working right now. The red and green led kept blinking back and forth and I hope that doesn't mean that I broke the thing. Dida would be pissed. eeep!
And I will be sad!! ughhh.
Oh, I'm at an internet place in Section 2 btw. I absolutely hate the big ass monitor that they have. grr.

hmm.. Nothing much to tell really. I've typed up a long-ish message to Eeva.. doodled a bit in my Moleskine yesterday.. and sort of saving up my excitement 'til I see Cik Alia (hopefully sometime this week) so I could tell her my stories with full enthusiasm like she'd wish that I would.

Ran out of things to do and write now. Soo.. I think I'll go home and just pray that the laptop will be back soon. I SO want to upload pictures!! hahahha.
Oh crap. I thought I'd sent a text to the Boyfie when I got here. sigh.
Really hope I'll get to log on at the comforts of home next time...

'Til later then..

Nothing but affection.

♥

Kinda weird.. kinda amazing.. honestly I don't have words to describe my day. Well, I'd rather not say some of the things. I love to keep things private. Some things anyway. Like a secret. A really big secret that only two persons share.. hahahha! Honest to God, nothing really kinky went on. hahahhahha!

Oy, I'm driving myself mad. I should go to bed and rest.
Poor Boyfie had eyebags too 'cause he didn't get enough sleep as he was worried about me last night. Sylly Sylly boi.
I love you soooo!

sigh. I think I'm gonna pour my heart out on my Moleskine. I wrote some idiotic things earlier (because I was feeling pretty idiotic) so I need to rectify those. double sigh. I can't wait 'til noon tomorrow. (Well, after the kind of day that I had.. I just hope that I'll get a decent enough amount of sleep!)

Oh! Here's a tip for those who intends on staying at a backpackers' hostel;
it is smart to bring slippers/thongs so you could move around the toilet without having your shoes getting wet.
err.. yeah. So maybe you didn't need anyone to tell you that but I wish someone had told me!

mmph. I wish I had a memory card reader at my disposal. Could've uploaded some pictures! gah. (Not that I took many. sigh.) I should snap a bunch of pictures like a mad woman tomorrow. yosh!

weeeee headache!

So.......
I jumped on a train. heehee.
Not literally though. Would've been dramatic if I did.

I'm writing this from the lobby of The Hive Backpackers' Hostel in Singapore! hahahha! The thought that I am a "backpacker". Kinda cool.. but funny in the same time. heehee. I haven't had the chance to look inside the bedroom yet since the check in is at 2pm. (I'm staying in a dorm! hahhahahahha! oy, thoughts of summer camps is flashing in my head now.)

Anyway, me being me.. it took a while for me to get to the MRT station from Tanjong Pagar Train Station. (I asked one person for direction.) Then I took the MRT that went the other way, so I got out after one stop. Got off at Lavender station, walked around for I don't know how long (asked two persons before I found Lavender Street) before finally getting to this place. ha ha ha ha ha!

I'm delirious. It was odd on the train. Whenever I fall asleep, I'd wake up after an hour. It happened at least 4 times. gah!
Anyway, I think I'll plop down on the sofa. Too tired to think of what to write.

wheee!

I guess my "next entry" would be now.
I stole this from Hannah's;

Your birthday:
December 13th 1984

People have same birthday as you?
Jamie Foxx, Tom DeLonge, Amy Lee

Would u rather play or watch football?
Watch

What sport would u say you’re good at?
bowling..? hahahhaha! I'm not good in any sports really, but I'm less pathetic at bowling and volleyball.

What was your worst nightmare?
hmm.. I dreamt that my family was killed off one by one in front of me by people who travels around in a fold-able red airplane. (Guns included.) There was no rhyme or reason to it. They just came and shoot around. The awful part was that I could see their souls as it leaves the body. I woke up crying.
I was twelve.

Apples or oranges?
Apples

Grapes or watermelon?
Are the grapes seedless?

Wolves or tigers?
Wolves are cool, but I'm a cat person.

What kind of music do you listen to?
Anything with strings really.

Have you ever written poetry / poem?
A terrible one? Sure!

Do you remember birthdays?
whose?

Do you know what time u were born?
6:29 am

Do you have a birth mark? where?
I don't see it.

Are you a sweet person?
Only when I want something ;)

What were you doing before you started filling this in?
Sent an email to Dida.

What were you doing yesterday?
Did laundry, went out, had picnic with Ana at KLCC Park.

What about today?
Surf the internet, sent emails, blogged, walked to the grocery store..

What is your favourite gun?
water gun!

Chocolate or vanilla ice-cream?
vanilla

What is the first thing you notice about someone? (opposite sex)
the expression they had on their face

What’s your favourite smell?
something baking in the oven

Favourite songs that you hear often?
Blue October's, Paramore's, James Morrison's.

What are you thinking about right now?
sleep. I'm thinking about sleeping. How lucky other people are to have a good night's sleep.

What is your favourite disney movie of all time?
The Little Mermaid.

What colour are your eyes?
dark brown.

Who is your crush now?
no one..?

What kind of hair do u like on the opposite sex?
the kind that feels good when you run your hands through it. hahahha. But if it's strictly-looking only, short. I like 'em short.

Who do u want to go steady with?
..I'm already going steady with someone!

Sunrise or sunset?
tough one. Sunset.

What happened this few days?
a bunch of nerve-wrecking situations which were amusing somehow.

Movies?
what does the review say?

Where can you see yourself going for your honeymoon?
Santorini!!! hahahha I wish! Someplace boring would be fine -- then we wouldn't have to make excuses for not having that many pictures when we get back since we'd spend all our time in the bedroom.

My ex is:
alive, so I've heard.

Maybe I should:
get lunch. Or shower. I can't decide. oh, my tummy just grumbled. Lunch then.

I love:
being in love.

I don’t understand:
myself, most of the time.

I lost:
the watch a good friend gave me :( And I love that watch! (still hoping that I'll miraculously find it someday.)

People say I’m:
silly.

Love is:
forceful, apparently.

Somewhere, someone is:
crying.

I will always:
love you.. I will always stay true.. (singing to Regine Velasquez with Jacky Cheung's song) hahhaha!
I will always confuse myself, really.

Forever seems:
soooo... loooong...

I never want to:
feel alone.

When I wake up in the morning:
I'd wish for more sleep.

Parties are:
awesome when you invite the right people.

My dog is:
nonexistent.

Kisses are the worst when:
forced.

Today I:
feel weird. Sort of off.. but not quite.

Tommorow I:
will embark on a journey! hahahha!

I really want:
Boyfie, please!

I have low tolerance for people who:
are simple minded.

If I had a million dollars:
DOLLARS, eh? Pay my debts, build a house, buy an apartment, travel to where my friends are.

eeep. Mad cow disease.

Sagittarians aren't known for their sense of direction.
Well.. in the literal kind at least. I mean, most Sagittarians I know always knew what they wanted in life and they always pursue in that direction. But when it comes to roads.. I know a couple who couldn't help but get lost.

A friend of mine once told me about her mother.. she'd usually ask for directions from my friend before she leaves home. But after a few hours, she'd call from her cellphone and frantically saying that she was lost and had no idea where she was. (My friend eventually had to drive out with the other car to find her mom.)

Then there's the other friend whom had once got lost driving around inside KL for 3 hours. (There was no traffic.) hahahaha. I thought that was amazing.
Well, of course there are other Sagittarians like my sister.. who ALWAYS knew where she was going.. literally, or metaphorically. She'd know the roads in JB by the second time we drive out from the hotel! (Well, I thought that was impressive.)
And yet, unfortunately.. a good sense of direction isn't hereditary. I am bound by my absent-mindedness to not know where I am (literally or metaphorically). When it comes to direction.. I am.. a COW.

Annoying, really. The other day I wanted to go to Dida's office by Putra LRT. (Keep in mind that I've done this just last week.) So I went to the ticketing counter and said confidently; "Taman Paramount"
So while in the train, I was listening in to my headphone (Paramore) while I was half-eying the guy standing next to me. (It was amusing.. we looked quite similar in appearance really; white top, capri/shorts, Converse shoes.. right down to the Sony Ericsson handphone/earpiece!)

So I heard the announcements.. Taman Jaya.. Asia Jaya.. Taman Paramount.. oops! That's where I should get off, and so I did -- except, it ISN'T where I should get off! I went outside.. walked along the station.. took at least three minutes before I figured out -- I should've gotten off at Taman Jaya!! Idiot.

The speed (or the lack of it) of my mind is really embarrassing sometimes.
And that's the reason why I get nervous when I'm at a new place. I'm afraid of taking a wrong turn and getting even more confused when I've gone too far from where I'd intended to be.

Moving on, I spent an awesome day with Ana yesterday. (Sushi in the park!!) Amazingly it didn't occur to me to take any pictures. sigh. Maybe we were too consumed by the amazing sandwich that we got from Cold Storage. (Seriously, we spent a while admiring the pastries and sandwiches available.) (Have I mentioned to you that I LOVE bread?)

My dad said something to me the other day.. which caught me by surprise. Well, I wasn't really surprised, but more like amused. I need to keep in mind that though he doesn't really KNOW me, he actually knows what I'm capable of; which is a little daunting.. somehow.
Ah well, he did say that I was "wild" in comparison to my sisters. I guess you could consider being bold and reckless as wild.

I suppose this is a pretty long entry, but I like it. It's normal for me anyway. Can't say when will I post another entry since I'm not even supposed to write this one. (Long story.) I'm just going to try and keep myself busy for the few days to come in hopes that I will be too pooped to think and that I'll just crash in bed and fall asleep at night. (Even after the long day I had yesterday.. and going to sleep at 3 since Dida and I were talking about her laptop and other things.. I still woke up at 8. wth!)

So I'm going to try and keep myself busy. I think I'll go outside for a walk in a bit.

Slept poorly.

mmph.
I'm more tired of the quality of my sleep than tired because of the quality of my sleep. It's really.. frustrating.
What's the point of being a bum when you can't even get a decent amount of sleep, really?

It also didn't help that I was troubled by a dream. Wasn't exactly a nightmare, but disturbing all the same.

Anyway, I'd like to kick myself out of the house right now. I want to go out, but I don't feel like it. I'd like to go out.. but I don't have to. It's all very confusing. hehe.

blah. 'Til later. I haven't decided on anything yet except to stop blogging since I've been at it since the past two hours and this is all I could come up with.

Comfort in sorrow.

Solace.

Interesting word. I never knew that it had meant exactly that. I like it.

Anyway, Dida and I went to catch the new 007 movie, Quantum Of Solace. hmm.. let's see.. what can I say about it? If you'd like to see an example of such a thing as "too much action", you should see this film.
Perhaps I was expecting too much out of it but it was really.. really.. disappointing. It practically had NO STORYLINE at all! I mean, I like continuation-sequels really. I think it's cool. Quantum Of Solace is a continuation of Casino Royale, but I don't like the fact that if you had not watched Casino Royale, you would have NO IDEA what this one is about! It really was.. that empty.

Sad, really.
Basically the film was only a filler to the next one -- which renders it completely unnecessary. So if you're one of Astro's movie package subscriber.. just wait 'til Star Movies get the rights to show it. hahahhaha. I'm being mean, aren't I?

There's a possible explanation to that though. As I'm typing this out, Arsenal is having Man United for lunch. Sad. I hate that I get emotional about sports. Which is why I can't -- and should never bet on sports. My brain is able to anticipate what will happen but my heart.. my hopes always trumps my better judgment. hahahha!
With that said, I'm betting that my Premier League Picks for this weekend is going to suck!

Also.. something else that sucks; the song on the opening credits for Quantum Of Solace.

wtf. Ferguson decided that he should take Anderson out so Giggs could go in.
Seriously. All these old people should retire.
And please, can we return Berbatov? Please? I'm asking nicely here.
wtf. Teves for Rooney. gah!
I'd like to see Ferguson do something crazy like get all the "defenders" out of the field and replace them with strikers instead. What's the point of having "defenders" when they can't defend? Honestly! Why bother?

Je ne sais pas.

Sometimes I don't even know why I say the things that I say. It's like word-vomit. You can't exactly keep it in, and when it's out you definitely can't take it back.
I wonder if it will ever get easier; to not speak the truth for the sake of not sounding like a mad-woman even though you'd already feel like one.
I wonder if I will ever be any wiser.
I hope I would.

I wonder if having a stone for a heart is a requirement for one to become wiser.
ah, obviously as I say that.. at the very moment I thought of those very words, I have made myself pretty apparent to the fact that I am not wise. Very far from it, unfortunately. sigh.
This is tiring.

To be wanting.. and not having.
Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I was stripped of all wants but I'm not sure that it would be life at all.

Currently listening to: Lenka - Anything I'm Not
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DCEhJViyMDo
(Lifelogger is being lame.)

C'est moi.

I read this somewhere.. about having writer's block; because the first key to writing is to write, you should write anyway as an exercise -- you'll never know how things will turn out when you let your words flow.
So anyway, the thing that I read said that for an exercise, you could write an "autobiography" in one sitting. (Well, obviously it isn't a very long autobiography unless you don't need to eat, drink or pee.)

I've always wanted to try that. (Another exercise is to type out one of your favourite books. Again, just to let the words flow in hopes that you'll find your own words and stop plagiarizing. hahaha!)
But every single time I've thought about trying, I'd get stuck.. not knowing where to start. Should I start from when I was born? 'Cause I don't really remember that part. Should I write every bit of memory that I have? 'Cause then I'd be bored before I finish.

Yet somehow I managed to write the title; C'est moi, which is funny since I'm not French nor do I speak the language. (Okay, maybe just a little; je mapelle Wanie, oui, no, pardon moi, toilette, je ne sais pas, je ne sais quoi, RSVP, deux billets s'il vous plaît, foie gras, baguette, croissant. HAHHAHHAHHAHA!!)
Honestly I don't know what that says about me. Probably of my silliness.

Aaanyway. I'm stuck at the title now. Maybe I shouldn't have had it in French since now I'm just amusing myself with the little vocabulary that I have. bah!
I need to focus.
I'll try the exercise some other time. hahahhahahha!! (That must have been the dozenth time I said that!)

*cough cough*

Boring day.
Let's see.. I woke up relatively morning, got a shower and went out to run some errands. All the while my brain was trying to decide if I should get lunch. I wasn't feeling like eating but I promised to Boyfie that I won't skip meals on purpose and "not feeling it" doesn't sound like a good excuse, so I got lunch. bah.

I'm still coughing. It was horrible since I got woken up coughing all through the night. Annoying. I heard that people who tries to quit smoking would be coughing a lot. So maybe I was coughing more 'cause I didn't smoke all day yesterday?
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Not funny, I know. I talk about unnecessary things when I'm bored.

blablabla.
Til later.

Amusements for the day.

It's amusing how certain people needs to resolve to extortion to get something from me.
I spent about one and a half minute wondering what that says about me and I learned two things;
1. how little (or none) they had to offer to invoke my interest,
2. how little (or none) I care about helping them.

I'm not a nice person, really. Philanthropy does not suit me. And I always makes it worse by writing things out in here -- without guilt. I don't know.. maybe because I feel sorry for my pathetic life for most of the time so I feel the need to make known how other people's lives were just as pathetic as mine.

I usually blame myself when I don't care about people.. I'd feel out of touch, inhuman somehow. But for certain people, I can't care to care about them. They've stretched my patience so thin that time and time again I caught myself cursing under my breath, "die!"
That isn't nice. I shouldn't be saying that to the people I've known for the rest of my life. It's just mean.

So I guess I'll just do what ever they wanted me to do. For as long as I'm living under this roof, I probably should anyway.
Wow.. now I've finally figured out why I've always felt the need to run away. It's amusing every single time I uncovered one of the many psychological scars I have. But what's more amusing is how stoical I am right now. I'm not angry.. not upset.. I am more to -- bored.

Extorting me is getting old, and boring. Especially when I don't care. Even more so when you're trying to take away what isn't yours. You should be embarrassed, really. Oops. Maybe I am a liiittle mad after all.

Oh, on a lighter note.. last night's race was INTENSE! Poor Massa. I felt sorry for him.

Decode.

Paramore - Decode

Paramore ♥
I actually just really listened to it and the lyrics. hahaha ♥

It's been a pretty quiet Sunday -- which is what I needed. Kinda.
My cousin Ain got married yesterday, and my morning started with a phonecall from Papa that it was already half past eight. (The akad will be at 10.) Basically my morning didn't start very well since I had a lousy sleep; Dida was coughing throughout the night and everytime she did, it'd wake me up.
blah. I wasn't always a light sleeper, but I've been one recently. Annoying.

Oh, should I mention that I wasn't feeling so well when I wake up? I was phlegmy. yuck. I spent more time in the bathroom than I usually would trying to get rid of those.

Anyway, later that night was the reception at the Subang Golf Club. I wasn't expecting to do any work but when I got there, my unc and aunt had asked me to do a few things.
1. carry the HUGE bags of bunga telur (which wasn't exactly in the traditional look of a flower. You know.. modern style wedding; the eggs were in little boxes) which was REALLY heavy.
2. usher the guests to their designated tables.
3. arrange the eggs and cakes ("freebies" for guests to bring home) into baskets.
4. distribute the cakes to the guests.
5. distribute chocolates to the little kids.

Well, I did that before I got a headache. That wasn't fun. I asked Nina to do a lobotomy on me but she was too busy nursing Aqilah. hahahha!

Anyway, it's November. For what ever reason I'm kinda excited that it's November.
I'm looking forward to the F1 race later tonight. hehe. Should be exciting!

What a lovely morning..

Bahijah A Wahid is awake. 10:04

Mohd Kamal Nizam at 10:07 on 31 October.
Knock Knock

Wanie Idris at 10:09 on 31 October.
me too!
I've been getting calls from orang salah nombor hokeyy.. sangat sakit hati! dahla dia cakap india!! grrr. degil pulak tu! orang dah kate wrong number dia call lagi.. pastu Wanie malas angkat dah, dia call lagi.. caaall lagi. CAALL LAGI!! ughhh!! sejak pukul 8:50!!!!!!!
SAYE TENSION!! bloody idiot indian. buat habis battery orang je phone asyik vibrate.
(oh, he's calling me again now.)
I swear, kalau you ade sini, you'd think that I am SO HOT dapat phonecall every 2 minutes! okay.. I'm venting.
sorry I'm venting at your status. hahahha! saye geram.

Bahijah A Wahid at 10:11 on 31 October.
hahahahaha... just ask your dad to answer it for you.
I bet he's looking for his cheating girlfriend, wanting to know where she went last night.

Wanie Idris at 10:12 on 31 October.
my dad takdeee! I'm home alone. (party?)
and the dude isn't looking for his cheating girlfriend. cheating boyfriend kot sebab dia carik chandra.

Bahijah A Wahid at 10:17 on 31 October.
hahaahhaha.. chandra can be a girl name also. maybe the other guy for his cheating girlfriend.

Wanie Idris at 10:21 on 31 October.
oh.
this dude is SO adamant that he's calling chandra's number. menyampah btol. ade hati tanye chandra keje kat hospital. dia ingat I kenal chandra kot. grr

Wanie Idris at 10:23 on 31 October.
bloody hell.. he's convinced that he's been calling 016.

Bahijah A Wahid at 10:24 on 31 October.
:)) hahahah probably he thinks chandra is like mike. Everybody must have known chandra in their life just like any we know mike.

Bahijah A Wahid at 10:25 on 31 October.
He cant tell the different between 9 and 6. Dyslexia kot

Wanie Idris at 10:26 on 31 October.
idiot kot T_T

Bahijah A Wahid at 10:28 on 31 October.
hahahahaha.. tukar numberlah wanie.

I think he's excited that when he called chandra he gets a wrong number.. and what do you know.. a cute girl answered his call. How awesomely odd can it be. So he is just trying to get to know you

* trying to put myself in his shoes*

Wanie Idris at 10:37 on 31 October.
HAHHAHAHAHHA!!
duude, everytime I angkat, I cakap "hello" dengan penuh tidak-keseleraan.

Wanie Idris at 10:46 on 31 October.
obviously my malay dah berterabur. I blame the lack of sleep.
--ketidak-seleraan
:D

Bahijah A Wahid at 20:41 on 31 October.
hahahahaha.

What IS IT with men and baju melayu??

I can say this on behalf of most females in Malaysia;
a very easy way to a girl's heart is by you (guys) wearing a pair of baju melayu.
haha. I mean, seriously.. the outfit can do wonders! I was blog hopping earlier and came by this blog where this guy had a picture of him in the outfit -- and he looked goood -- and he's not even Malay!
I have no idea what is it with Malay women and men in baju melayu. Maybe it's like men in uniforms.. an aphrodisiac of some kind. hahahha!

Today I woke up and noticed than an ex sent me a text. (It rhymes!) It was nothing important, but before we said goodbye after a few exchanges, he said that he missed me. *rolls eyes* I wonder what people missed about me sometimes. The stupid jokes I made? My insight on life? (hahahha!!!) My long and winding letters? My mere presence? HAHAHAHHAH!!
Sometimes it's just weird thinking about things people have said to me.. because they barely made any sense.

I suppose it's just weird to have seemingly touched someone's life when you'd barely touch them.
Anyway, it's good to be friends with an ex. I expect that if I needed someone to build me a house, I could count on him to draw me the blueprints. hahaha! That's what my father used to say to me actually; to not lose contact with your friends 'cause you'll never know when you're going to need their services! HAHAHHAHA!
That's why I like keeping Alia close -- she's a law major! hahahhahahha!!!

Annie Lennox - Dark Road

Maybe..

Some people aren't meant to sleep. heh.
As some people aren't meant to talk. Or write.
It's like.. when you have nothing nice to say, why say it at all right? Sure I don't expect everyone to be all dandy 24/7 but if I can do something about it.. if I can stop myself from saying things that'll only hurt people (and myself eventually), I should make a conscious effort to do it, right? To not do it would be stupid and reckless.

Is honesty really the best policy? Or is truth really overrated?
hmm.. I can never decide.

Anyway, these were me and my sisters' Facebook status two nights ago. hehe. Just wanted to write it down somewhere;
Ida Harlina is sick of the big momma's dramas!! 23:46
Wanie is also sick of the big momma's dramas!! 23:58
Ida Haryati is sick & sick of the big momma's dramas!! 08:58

Brandi Carlile - Hiding My Heart

Duuude, I'm bored.

So I'm in Seremban..
Nina and Jasmin invited some people over for an "open house" on Sunday. (I suppose it's a Malaysian thing where you invite people over to your house for food and I dunno.. catching up?) Dida and I came on Saturday night to help them with the food that by Sunday afternoon, me and Dida couldn't help ourselves from falling asleep while there were still Jasmin's friends around.
(Well, Dida at least managed to hide herself in the spare room.. I dozed off on the sofa in the living room. hehe)

Now it's Monday, Deepavali and also Izzati's 5th birthday!


Dida's not feeling well and has been practically sleeping all day. No idea when we're going head home. blah. Could've gone home with the parents last night but the thought of being in the same car with JUST them was SO unappealing.

Anyway, 'til later!
Nothing much to write about, really.

RM 33 for a (cute) knickers??

Which part of the term "cheap date" don't you get? hehe.
Come to think about it, the best date I had was this one time when the guy brought me around KL.. by bus! hahha! gah! I probably should be embarrassed by that fact.

I had an incredibly long day. Decided to kick myself out of the house so I could actually spend some money. Somehow I got hold of Cik Alia and weeeeeeee! I got a shopping buddy.
I'm just going to write about the things that popped out through the day though.

1. I must thank God for not fating me to slip down the steep hill and break my neck as I made my way to the commuter station after the bus decided to take a different route.

2. We had lunch at Chilli's.. and as we were talking and eating, I lit up my second ciggie and one of the waiters came over and said, "miss, can I see your ID?" HAHAHHAHA! I was really just laughing as I handed my ID to him. After he checked my birthdate, he said he was sorry that he had to ask. haha! Well, thanks..?

3. I went to Amcorp Mall for the first time today (Dida works in the building now) and I find it incredibly dull.

4. I'd only spent RM5.20 on transportation for the entire day!

5. It's amusing how people had pictured me as the "good, naive girl". Alia asked me a couple of questions earlier and me being me; when somebody asks me a question straight forwardly, I'd answer them just as straight and forward -- and my answers had apparently caught Alia by surprise.
It was amusing to see her expression though.

6. Johanz (Alia's boyfriend) was very polite! I've never seen him around anyone older than our age.. so it was.. impressive! haha!

7. Alia and I spent about 7 hours together but we didn't take a single picture of us being together!! What's up with that??

dude, I looked like I was just harassed by a mob. So scruffy. So not cute.
8. I spent money today and not just on transports and food! whoopee!

9. I should be sleeping 'cause I had a looong day! (Woke up before 9am.. came home past 2am -- because I tagged along Dida hanging out with her friends.) But I had to get out of bed just now as I needed to pee. Then I had trouble shutting my eyes.

10. blablabla blablaa. There are only 9 things that popped in my mind right now, but stopping a list at the 9th item feels weird.

Please stop screwing me up.

Here's yet another entry where I'm going to tell you how my parents has influenced me into becoming a less than ideal human being person. If you happen to be a 60-year old male, has three daughters, works in a company with his brothers and living in Shah Alam, Pa, stop reading this.

I have a HUMONGOUS doubt over the marriage institution. So much so that I even told a few people that "I don't believe in marriage". So much so that I have considered a life as a spinster.

I can't remember the last time that my entire family was happy.. truly happy instead of being "civil". Civility frustrates me.
Here I will tell you that my parents do not shout at each others throats. They do not throw things at each other. They do not communicate. It is SO bad that I don't communicate. So bad that I wish I could smack them both and lock them into a room with everything breakable I could grab as I drag them into that room. Kill each other if you must -- so long as I wouldn't have to see the damn silence.

They are the perfect example of the two souls who aren't meant to be together. Sure sure, if it wasn't for them, most probably I wouldn't be here. (Then again I would've probably been born in a different family -- although I do adore my sisters, so I'm not so sure I'd trade my parents at the cost of MY sisters.)

Having this as an example.. gives me very little hope in "marriage". Perhaps I'm the extremist as my sisters had agreed on -- do it whole heartedly or don't do it at all. Why bother when you're not going to jump in with both feet?
Why bother having a partner when you don't share everything?
Why bother?

Interestingly.. unfortunately.. My dad did told me that he was happy once. Can you imagine the impact of those words to a child's point of view? I am 23 years old, a young adult.. and I couldn't do anything. I couldn't laugh at it. I couldn't stop feeling sad over it. Maybe he shouldn't have told me that. Too much information -- except that I crave for information as my mother has the maturity level of a 19-year old, and shares NOTHING with me.

Their screw ups has made me a perfectionist when it comes to relationships. If my partner was boring me, I'd cut them off. If we ran out of things to talk about, I'd cut them off. If they'd expected more of me than what I was ready to give them, I'd cut them off. If I find myself hiding more and more things about myself than revealing them, I'd cut them off.
People rarely ever change. It is our views about them that changed so you shouldn't be in a commitment with the hopes that your partner will change.
heh. See how dark my views are about relationships? *claps for the parents*
Unless I could see a slight chance of achieving perfection.. why bother.

My future spouse will have a hard time convincing me to get married. hahhaha! Dida asked me an interesting question the other night. She asked me how would I feel if my child wants to marry a non-Muslim. Me being me, I said I would be fine. She knows me, but for the sake of your understanding; I'm not really religious. I'm merely comfortable being a Muslim, but I don't practice it much. I believe in Allah.. because I like to believe in something bigger than life. A reason to why things happened the way that it did without me having to drive myself insane looking for an answer.
So to have an intellectual understanding is the main criteria I look for in a spouse -- instead of the person being in the same religion as it's supposed to be. (Please don't ask me how I feel about gays! haha!)
Have I sinned for admitting these?

I don't know.. maybe.
My point; I'd rather end up as a spinster than being in a commitment that I'd be miserable in. I just don't understand how anyone would choose to be stuck with misery only for the sake of "being together".

bah. I'm rambling. See, if my parents weren't having the same drama since the past month (plus ten years), I wouldn't have things to reflect on or ramble about.
Blame them for making me -- ME.
Not that it makes me feel any better. I don't like myself too much.

Goodnight world.

Perhaps today I could try.

And write.

It's weird not having a single thought. It's weird not having a single thought that I could write about. It wasn't as if I was devoid of ANY thought at all for these past few days. (I could only dream about the existence of such days -- I've never had them.) But most of the thoughts I had were too personal for me to write in a blog.
Some were not even written in my Moleskine.

You know how some things are better left unsaid so they wouldn't seem "real".. and you could continue on living in denial -- in hopes that it'll keep the sadness at bay and you can live your life relatively happy?
That's what I was doing. Keeping myself from writing anything so I wouldn't write myself to gloom.
And so, I am happy to announce to you that I am not gloomy! hehe

Though I have been smoking more lately. That's not good. I mean, I hate spending so much on ciggies! I've always thought people who spends money on smoke are stupid. If this keeps up, I'm gonna have to start stealing! hahahhaha! Okay, not funny.

Somebody once told me that I have a set of eyes that has the expression as if they were laughing at the world in mockery. Well, I don't mock the world -- I mock at people. hahhaha! Again, not that funny.
Anyway, last night I was standing around as Dida took out some money from the ATM. My eyes wandered around and my eyes caught this guy on the escalator.. I suppose he was looking my way as well that when our gazes met, he had a small smile and raises his eyebrows! HAHAHHAHA! That was funny. What is it with Malaysian men, really? Can't women look without having them turn an innocent look into something else? Can't I look without having them turn an innocent, boring look into something else?? hahhaha!
Ah well, I'm obviously easily amused.
Although, one thing about Malay men that had NEVER amused me.. is how many of them likes to say "jangan la marah" (don't be upset) even when you're not even remotely upset. That line INFURIATES me.

I'm afraid if any man says that to me, I'd immediately stamp them as a "typical Malay man" and a MORON. hahahha!

I'm rambling. And quickly losing my un-gloominess. Better be off and write a letter or something.
'Til later.

Peep toe heels make me feel sexy.

mm.. so.. it's been a while, I know.
Though I don't know why I haven't felt like writing anything. I always have something to write but these days it's just.. "blah".
I've been thinking of going out with my friends but even the thought of it is "blah"! I mean.. really.. I LOVE hanging out with my friends. But knowing that I haven't got ANYTHING to say to them.. is "blah".

blah blah blah.
I don't talk blah. Blahs are meant for blah people. I am NOT one of those blah people! Blah people are the ones who talk about the weather, with weather being the exact meaning for "weather" and not a code word for something else.

I don't usually hate people doing a cover on anybody else's songs, but I actually like this one;

Westlife - More Than Words

The Office.

eeep! Nothing much to share, but I was watching this week's episode of The Office and the last two minutes was just.. eeeeeek! (Okay, that's not very descriptive, I know, but that's just how I feel.)

More people should be watching the show.. I'm just saying. hehe

Expect a thousand more..

because love songs sounds better in acoustic. ♥
Happy 6th monthsary (+2 days) Sylly. hehe

Blue October - Calling You (Acoustic)

PB & J

Doing better now.
Seriously.. had I been more of a girly girl, I'm pretty sure my mood swings would be more of an interchange between fine and angry than fine and depressed. It was amusing though.. the last time I was feeling down, Boyfie said matter-of-factly that "thinking of depressive thoughts does not mean that you're depressed" but the other night he asked "why are you so depressed lately?". hahahha! For once he actually recognized my depression. hahhahaha!
I shouldn't be too happy about that, should I?

Last week I watched some old episodes of The Office. First few of the 4th season specifically because Jim and Pam are the happiest in those. haha! (S04E04 was nicest somehow..) I can't help it.. I like seeing people who grins too much I suppose. Reminds me of happier days.
I've always envied those kinds of people anyway.

Paramore did an exclusive song for the Twilight movie soundtrack, which sounded pretty good! If you're a fan, you could listen to it on Stephenie Meyer's website. I'm actually looking forward to the movie even though I know it'll actually butcher the things that I love in the book -- I'm prepared to be disappointed.

So I suppose I could use my duit raya to fix my computer.. or guitar.. But "fixing stuff" doesn't feel like the right way to be spending my happy money. (Happy money = money I get even when I did nothing to deserve it. hahaha!) And I want to spend it on frivolous things! Shoes.. clothes.. accessories that I'd rarely wear.. make up.. hahaha!
But I'm going to feel guilty about it if I do.. bah! I hate that I'm so indecisive.


Oh, I took a picture of the drain near my house. The one on the left was taken two days ago.. while it was still raining. Seriously, the drainage isn't bad.. but the rain was.
Well I'm bored. Going to do some research on nothing now.

I am in limbo.

I've been relatively quiet these past few days, haven't I?

To be honest I can't seem to find humour in anything so I can't bring myself to write at all.. when I'm feeling the lowest of low. My exhaustion, and frustration.. confusion.. it was never for anyone else's entertainment but simply me, running things through in hopes that it'd somehow inspire me to some meaning. Hoping for an epiphany.

My computer is definitely dying, bit by bit. Usually I'd only have a hard time turning it on but today, even after I got it turned on, the LAN led decided to remain lifeless. I know, I know.. surely it can be fixed but I'm starting to give up on the stupid thing altogether. I can't stand it when things are not working properly. Humans are the most adaptable creatures. We adapt to things even when they're the ones that should be adapting to us.. and now I've found myself completely spent from trying to adapt.
Nobody should settle for second-bests and it seems like I've been settling on a whole lot of things.

It's been raining a lot these days. I've always been a fan of rains but the lightnings, I'm never crazy about. And the lightnings these days are terrible! Freaked me out even more than usual. Muslims believe that lightnings are meant to struck the satans (I know how silly that sounds to you Agnostics.. kinda sounds silly to me too) and I hate the thought.. the idea that satans are hanging around my house.
Earlier today the lightning had probably struck the roof of my flat that it killed the electricity. Well, not killed permanently since it went back after I turned the fuse thingy on again -- obviously I wasn't paying too much attention in Kemahiran Hidup. (Life Skills..?) Oh, and no need for me to describe to you the bang that came with that lightning.

I've always had this image that people who got struck by lightning had some satans hanging around closely to them -- which had meant that they were bad persons. I can't help but try to figure out if I'd done anything SO bad that I would deserve to be smite by God Himself. I'm pretty sure I haven't done anything that bad.. yet. Surely there are other people who deserves it more than I do...

Perhaps He's tired of me whining all the time about my hopelessness that He's helping me leave this world with a bang so I won't be easily forgotten. ha!
Trust me to come up with a ludicrous theory.

Meredith's shrink on Grey's Anatomy said that to find happiness in the midst of the awful things around you is NOT the point.. To feel awful about those awful things but knowing that you won't die from it IS the point.
Maybe.

So I don't know when I'll write again. Maybe later.. maybe tomorrow.. maybe next week.. I don't know. I've been writing my thoughts in my Moleskine, doodling mostly.. and that had seem to be enough as for me "running things through".
I know that everything has its solution. I'm perfectly capable of figuring that out, but I can't seem to find the BEST solution where it would not end up with me settling again.

And most of all.. I need to believe.. believe with all my heart that I am, for a fact, not dying from my feelings because I.. am.. so.. tired.

Trouble sleeping.

Well, to be honest it's not really a trouble.
It's not exactly a "trouble" when I fell asleep around 6 and woke up just before 10. Naturally, I'd still be up at 4am when that happens.

It's been a quiet weekend. I was bored for the most part of it -- the part where I'm awake, that is.

Boyfie said we'll talk tomorrow (Sunday), but we didn't. Lie lie LIEE!!!! ha ha ha. Sorry, I'm not actually laughing, but I'm naturally being melodramatic over a stupid phonecall. (I never recalled them ever being stupid, really.)
I'm being stupid. What ever. I just hate the way I feel sometimes. I hate it when I try not to make a big deal out of things -- by shutting up -- but that in itself is a big deal.. somehow.

Perhaps I've made myself pretty clear here that I'm not exactly a mild-tempered person. I'm angry most of the time. If I'm not angry, I'd usually be upset instead, which is equally draining. ughh.. I have NO IDEA what is wrong with me!! An hour ago I was angry and now I'm just sad and crying. Pathetic!
Crap crap crap.
Maybe I should be medicated.
Can I really blame everything on my parents? Crap.

Mike Schmid - The House We Built

I honestly cannot comprehend why ANYONE would want to get into my mind. I wish I could escape it.

TJ have this theory on girls; how they are all high-maintenance -- whether materialistically, emotionally or in time. I laughed when I first heard it. He has all kinds of theories on girls; kinda annoying. (Though amusing.) So.. a girl who is high maintenance in the material area is in need of a lot of things.. the guy would need to buy her a bunch of things, spend his money.
The girl who is emotionally high maintenance would basically need constant reassurance of the guy's feelings for her. A girl who is high maintenance in time is the one who needs the guy to spend all the time he has to be with her.

I might not get the definitions exactly like the way he said it.. not in the mood to look through the logs right now, but mm.. yah! I think that was basically it. It was funny the first time I heard it. Now.. not so much.

Sometimes I wonder why I even blog.

Ponder.. ponder..

Why do people seem to think that I have a lot to say?
I don't.
I am a listener, people. I LISTEN! Yet people still expect me to say things. pssh! There hasn't been a day where I didn't wish that I'd be smarter.. wiser; so I'd have things that are worthy to be said.

Sometimes I caught myself looking forward to growing old. I wonder if I'd be any wiser. (God, I hope I would!!) Perhaps that's why I've been attracting old men. They are my "inside guy" to the life I'd like to delve into. Perhaps I've been in my father's head for too long.. perhaps it simply isn't enough. So I needed people like Ian and Greg to restore my faith in love and MEN altogether! hahahha! (I am talking about their thoughts and mind here.)

I'm not a curious sort of person. I don't question everything. I only want to know the things that I want to know, and I am perfectly capable of ignoring everything else. Just so happens that "relationships" is one of the subjects that intrigues me. So it's nice.. when people bring things up without me having to ask them. As I said, I'm a listener.

I don't understand why my sisters are disgusted by the thought of me talking to older men. I never thought of them THAT way! ewww! Most of the men I talked to were about my father's age! EWWW!!! I am physically, mentally and emotionally incapable of thinking of them "that" way and if their (the men's) intentions of starting a conversation with me was more than to just share experiences solely on an intellectual level.. ewww!! It's not my fault! Well, I'm too ignorant to notice things like that, anyway. And I don't think I'd be happier if I start doubting everyone's intentions.

Yesterday Boyfie told me that I've got to open up more.. Amazingly, I have been trying. blah.
So anyway.. I sort of promised a friend that I'd write him a letter but I can't think of things to write to him. hmmph.. if only my life was more eventful. haha!
Really. I don't have all that much to say.

Dar sent me (and a few others) this song last night. Amusing lyrics;

Soko - I'll Kill Her

ha!

If only.. I wish to stop writing psychotically in my blog, really.

So anyway, Dida was mean to me last night. She told me to look at her friend's profile on Facebook -- her photos in Europe specifically. yeech! Of course I'd think of OUR trip when we started looking at the photos. Funny thing though, while we were looking at them, we couldn't stop commenting.. criticizing the shots, really. hahha!

Then of course Dida mentioned about OUR photos.. and how she wanted to upload some to HER profile.. so I took out our albums so she could look at them.. but I ended up admiring my own work instead! hahhaha!


These are my scanned prints (first two from left were taken in Frankfurt, the third in Rome). I rarely ever edit my prints for two reasons; 1. I like them just the way they are, 2. I'm a snob. hahaha!

But really.. it ANNOYS me that I don't have a beautiful pic of myself. It's NOT FAIR!! It's not fair that I'm the only one who could work with an SLR. I can't point-and-snap myself with an SLR! Didaa aihaichuuu! No faaaaaaiiirrrr!!

Anyway, that's why I couldn't picture myself being a professional photographer. I mean, over here you can only make money by being a wedding photographer and I am NOT a fan of weddings. Even if I'm doing it as a favour (for family), it's depressing because later it'd seem like I wasn't even there. Sad.

hahhahahaBahijah!

Free handbags!

Handbag Planet is giving away 24 handbags in the course of 24 hours to celebrate the launch of their website on October 15th. All you've got to do is sign up and choose the handbag you'd like to win! Easy-peasy.

Ick.

I was surfing through mphonline.com -- NOT GOOD! I'm not supposed to be looking at books!!! 30% off The Secret. aaack!! I'm not supposed to know that!! I'm also not supposed to know that there's a 30% off on Cecelia Ahern's Thanks For The Memories. ughh!! Damn MPH Newsletter.

gah! So then I looked through H&M, DP, F21 and Women's Secret for other inspirations. hahaha! But then Dida reminded me that there isn't any sale on right now. ughh! I don't want to be buying things only to find out in two months that I'd spent an extra RM30 for it! booo! Shopping blows! I am not the typical girl! I still wear last season's clothes like I got it last week! bahahhaa!
Seriously, books + food > clothes pshh!

mm.. so I've been thinking, you know.. other than the possibility of becoming senile as I grow old, I'd probably lose my hearing as well. See, when I try to drown out my thoughts.. I'd usually blast the songs I'm listening to as loud as I possibly can. (So long as the volume does not cause my ears to ring -- which would ultimately ruin my listening experience, really.) But can you imagine how AWFUL that would be??
Say if I DO lose my hearing.. then there will be NO WAY for me to drown out those thoughts -- AT ALL!!! acckk!! I'm screwed either way. blah.

blah. blah. blah.
Everything about today is just blah.
I've been spamming my blog again. ick. I need a life. Maybe I could buy that with my duit raya. Can I?
Can somebody please knock me over on the head so the day will be over without me having to toss and turn in my bed? Please?

Funny how irked I can get when my dad didn't get me what I wanted. I am SO not good at not getting what I want. What a rotten rotten child.. I mean, I shouldn't be surprised right? I'm a pretty good reader; I read people well enough to know the kind of person that they are -- what I feel is important is most probably not important to them.
Yet when they seem to take things easy, I get disappointed still. How stupid is that? How idiotic can I be to expect things to be different when I'd KNOWN that they are capable of letting me down?

By the way.. this is just about one extra coleslaw. HAHAHHAHA! Can you imagine how STUPID I feel right now?? I am a rational enough of a person to admit that it's really not a big deal -- which is why I'm making it a big deal. IT'S JUST ONE FREAKIN' COLESLAW, DAMMIT! And I couldn't even get THAT!! ughh.. I feel so unimportant right now. That damn coleslaw represents EVERYTHING that I wish to have but didn't get.

Like.. hey, I'm asking you for a little favour but you decide that it's so little.. I wouldn't mind if you said no. Well, I MIND!!
I FREAKIN' MIND!!
Just because I was trying to be polite by saying that I didn't, I DO MIND!!! Do I need to spell everything out?!!!

shit. Now it's no longer about a coleslaw.
I shouldn't bother. Really. I'm not going to bother at all. Why bother wanting anything at all when I'll only end up being the one disappointed. Why bother? Why bother.. why bother.. why bother..
Shutting up now.