You!!

Incik Dar, happy birthday!!!

You know, I figured out something.. since today is the last day of March.. I think that's why you are so.. you. hahhaha! Merepek and all..
Always amusing, though :P

Anyway, since you've been so busy.. (ALL my friends are always busy.. I wonder why. hahhaha!!) and we haven't talked all that much since... err.. entah? So I decided to dedicate today's entire entry to you!
woooo!

I am so awesome -- but the truth is, now I feel no inclination to get you anything for your birthday. muahahaha! (Not that I've ever.. not really. heh)

Hope you'll have a great day.. and a wonderful year being 24. Tuaaa!! yuck! hahha! And yeah.. I can definitely picture you getting married esok lusa :P

And I could probably find a better picture than the one I have there, but I feel that you are.. so YOU in that one. hahhahaha!

I want to believe.

So here's an insight to my heart.

I... want to believe in love.
Have complete faith in another person. Trust in every word.. every action..
But I don't.

And I wish there was a reason to it. I wish I could say that I've been burned and that's why I keep myself so guarded.
But I haven't.

I am just.. finding it hard to just let myself go.

So when I watch.. or hear stories about love.. I'll feel.. incredibly empty. I'd wonder how these people could do the things that I can't. Thinking if something just isn't right with me. (Something probably is anyway.)

I want.. to not be empty.
I want one of those stories to be mine.
I want a love song that is about me.
I hate wondering if it'll ever be my turn.
Most of all, I hate how my heart wanders away when it isn't checked.

They say;
If you love someone let them go. If they return to you it was meant to be.
bah! Let me go and I may never come back. hahahhaha!

blah. I actually want to belong.. somewhere. Stop wandering.. and wondering. Maybe someday.
But I know myself too well.. and I'm such a skeptic to let myself believe. I want to believe in so many things.. but I don't really.
So make me a believer.

This stupid entry took me two and a half hours to write. sheesh!

Damaged at best.

Been feeling a bit low for the past couple of days.
Moody.. pissy.. the works.

I wish my thoughts are more stable.
I wish my emotions were.
hmmph. I hate it when I talk to myself too much. blah.

Anyway, it's been a weird week. Although my Thursday and Friday didn't turn out bad at all. heh.

Went to watch the FA Cup second-leg between Selangor and Perak. It was pretty stressful (I'm not going to say why) but also funny in the same time. Selangor won in the end.. but..
ughh.. I don't know. The week is just too weird for me to actually enjoy it.

Then I had spent the next day with Ana. We didn't do much. Basically we just walked a bit in the city.. sat in cafes and yap about stuff.. We're completely in love with that strawberry tart at Coffee Bean, by the way. ughh.. God, why do I have a sweet tooth. Now I feel like I should have it again later today.
(Which I actually might. hahhahaha!)

Ah anyway.. not really in the mood to write.
Although I'd like to think that going out did good to my soul. I grinned so much today, my cheeks hurt! hahha! So thaaank yoouuu Anaaa!! I love you, girlfriend! hahhahaha!

Loving this song..

Letto - Permintaan Hati

Dengarkanlah permintaan hati yang teraniaya sunyi
Dan berikanlah arti pada hidupku
Yang terhempas yang terlepas
Pelukanmu bersamamu dan tanpamu aku hilang selalu
Bersamamu dan tanpamu aku hilang selalu

I have to wonder how Indonesian writers can be.. so poetic, where most Malaysian song writers tried so hard and failed. blah.

10th Edition.

wooooo! Kimi won! Ferrari won the 10th year F1 in Sepang!
So cooool! We were hoping that Ferrari would finish first and second.. and then.. Massa's car spun and got stuck in the gravel. bleh.

But that was fun, really. We missed the past two years (Dida was in Rotterdam.. then last year we didn't get tickets.. bleh.) but fortunately, our tickets were AWESOME this year AND Ferrari had won! Oh - so - happy! Totally makes up for those two missed races.

I mean, of course, I'm SO pooped from the lack of sleep and having to wake up so early in the morning. AND the heat.. oy.. I am a little sun burned actually, but I kinda like going out in the sun every once in a while. heh. (I actually adore the outdoors, believe it or not.)

Dida had bought that huge head phone-radio thingy which she had basically gave me to wear throughout the race. Pretty cool stuff. I love being able to listen to the commentaries. Helps a whole lot with my sleepiness.
Plus.. I actually do love listening to the commentaries. I'm a geek. I like knowing unnecessary stuff. haha.

Anyway, we got home at 6-ish.. I was so tired.. the kind that got me a bit kooky and make stupid jokes all the way home.


Uuh.. yeah.. that's Dida's SD card for the MP3 player in her car. hehe. Really.. I like to experiment on things.. see what I can stick on my forehead. haha!
Anyway, I'm going to rest a bit while catching the Super Sunday. MAN UNITED!!! wooo!

O yeah, I am so ignoring my bitter mood by focusing on some sports. haha!

..and I'm adoring you.

Yep.. that's all really. Nothing more to say, no. heehee.

Burnt-out

So.. I wasn't really planning on writing anything today.
Mainly because I am just.. so.. mentally and emotionally tired.

sigh. I hate it when I get gloomy and morbid. So to those who just stumbles upon this side of me.. well.. welcome?

Anyway, I love this song. At times I actually find myself missing it. Or just humming to it out of the blue. It's an odd sort of a love song.. love it.

LIT - Miserable

Lagu jiwang, ftw!!

Feeling.. a little blue. For no real reason really..
Just.. nothing to cheer about.

I mean.. I don't want to complain.. I detest people who complains too much.. or whines non stop.. over the same old things. So yeah, I know you love me or care for me, what ever the shit is.. I am pretty pissed and upset about some things but--
I - SHALL - NOT - COMPLAIN! ughh.
That just doesn't give me the right to annoy you.

So just.. let me feel blue for a little bit.

I think the inability-for-commitment bug is hitting me again. It's getting old, I know.. but I am BORED!! ughh. I get bored staying at one place for too long. I hate it. I hate myself for hating it. So frustrating!!
Shit. SHIT.

I'm going to distract myself with this sappy Indonesian song now.. bleh!

Ari Lasso & Bunga Citra Lestari - Aku Dan Dirimu

This is crazy.

I'm just not going to say anything ever again.
Well, I can't can I?
The surest way to ruin.. what ever it is that we have is to not communicate, so I will try..

You know how when you're angry.. you'll say stupid things and once you've cooled off those stupid things would seem reaaally stupid. So you apologize, and the other person has already cooled off so you both can be.. just fine?

It's.. funny that I just had this conversation with Dida a few days ago.

That it's easy to forgive the person you're mad at..
but the person that upsets you.. it takes a little more time. Matters of the heart.. so happens that mine is just as stubborn as my head and it won't let go.

And I want to let go.
I'm fine really. Really. Just.. the pang in the heart.. it stayed.

shoo, pang. Go mess with someone else's heart.

The day I lost my heart.

Not really.. I'm lying.
I do that sometimes.

My heart is so there and despite my heart and head having their own minds.. it's giving me a headache. Not headache.. more like.. spinning. My head is spinning, because of my heart.

I'm breaking a heart.. and it's breaking my heart.
bleh.
I'm talking in circles again aren't I?

I'm trying not to..
I'm actually trying hard..
To the point where I don't know what to do and I end up doing nothing at all..

I'm definitely talking in circles.
At times like this, there isn't a more fitting song than;

John Mayer - Not Myself

O yeah.. go look for the lyrics yourself :P

The day I practically lost my head.

pssh! I almost caved yesterday.. but I didn't!
HAHHAHAHAHAHA!!

I was sooooooooooo close.. Oh God, I can't believe I almost said it. gaaah! *hits head with fist*
Let me tell you, having a constant battle between your heart and your mind is hard. I'm glad my head won last night. heehee.
hahahha! dang, I'm definitely talking to myself right now.

Anyway, I really.. pretty much lost my head yesterday. Between the lack of focus and looking over a bunch of things at the same time.. I managed to make a fool of myself for a couple of times. haha!


Ah well.. what's new really..
Having an awful lag with everything right now.. I'm going to bed!!

Here's a stupid.. unnecessary entry..

So I was typically sitting in front of the computer last night.. just minding my business.. chatting.. Facebook.. yadaa yadaa..
and all of a sudden, SNAP!
My bra strap broke.. hahahhaha!!

I mean.. that was.. WOW. Sure, I'd like to think emm.. that it was because of some other exciting reasons but I think it's just because I've had that pair of bra for a couple of years and the metal thingy just got worn out. blah.
(hahahhahaha!)


Oy.. I'm just being silly now.
It's good to be able to laugh when all you wish to do is cry really..

My vote counts!

Yeah, that was exciting!
Sure it took like just 10 seconds of my day but it was kinda exciting! My first time voting.. pretty cool! I'm like half- a step towards being a grown up. hahahha!
And I'm happy with the results.. though I'm pretty much apathetic about politics.. I think a change would be interesting.

Moving on.. I've been having a bunch of laugh with my newly made frienemy on MHA. He'd KOed me a couple of times now but he's so adorable! hahahha! Good stuff.


Oh, and I noticed yesterday that my old Converse is getting really beat up.. it's sad.. I love my shoes.. Guess it's a good thing that Converse shoes are meant to look scruffy. (At least that's how I feel..)


Also.. just so you know.. this entry had took me TWO freakin' days to write.. and sadly, I ended up not writing much at all! hahahhaha! It's pathetic..

I can't think. I need a nap!

Jiwa kacau.

Is it just me.. or I just scream "the last child" sometimes..?

Anyway.. I just feel like rubbish at the moment. I hate it. I hate it when I'm needy. I HATE it. I really hate it.

I'm running off to beg for some hugs. Virtual ones just don't cut it right now.
I'm going to regret saying this later.. but shit, I think I need a boyfriend! blaah.

BLAAAAAH!
BLAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

Those bs..

So I'm not really career minded..
although I'm pretty handy with design stuff.. Guess all those years in college actually paid off.. sort of.

But God, I am SO glad that I didn't go into the crap that is being a "designer". My only client so far is my dad, really.. but he's like the WORST CLIENT EVER!

I mean.. how can you tell your father that he has awful taste?? Too awful that you would LOVE to scream that you refuse to do the things that he wants you to do. Sure, I'm no professional, but I'm also a consumer.. I would KNOW what I want to see in a product and he.. he.. refuses to take notice the look of irk that spreads across my face.

Seriously..
SERIOUSLY...
SERIOUSLY!!

I'm ashamed to admit that I did this.. GOD! I hope NO ONE would think that this was MY idea! Aaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!!!
My IQ just dropped fifteen points for just going through with it.

heehee.

I can honestly say that I love.. love.. LOVE it when my friends know me well.. sure, it's annoying sometimes.. but when someone gives me something that just screams.. "me", I just can't help it. I love love LOVE those sort of things.

Simple things.. like a post-it note.. a key-chain of a devil with a red heart for a head.. or a song. heehee.

Thaank yooouuuu Daaarrrr!!!

Alis - Deeper Conversation

Is your favourite colour blue?
Do you always tell the truth?
Do you believe in outer space?
And now I'm learning you

Is your skin as tanned as mine?
Does your hair flow sideways?
Did someone took a portion of your heart?
And now I'm learning you

And if you don't mind can you tell me
all your hopes and fears
and everything that you believe in
Would you make a difference in the world
I'd love for you to take me to a deeper conversation
Only you can make me

I've let my guard down for you
And in time you will too

And if you don't mind can you tell me
all your hopes and fears
and everything that you believe in
Would you make a difference in the world
I'd love for you to take me to a deeper conversation
Only you can make me
Deeper conversations with me..

Does your name rhyme with mine?
Now doesn't this bring back memories.. hahhahaha!

My telling eyes.

I curse at them.. most times. They completely ruin my vague attempts to be mysterious when I wanted to. But I'm figuring out now that it's God's way of helping me with my inaptness for saying the things that I'd wanted to say.
So today I am grateful that I have these so un-secretive eyes.. and also those people who are close enough to me for always being able to read them. In a way, my heart did jumped out to them when I can't seem to find my words.

Yesterday had been a little.. upsetting, if I may say so. Filled with wishes that couldn't possibly come true in a short amount of time. (I'm impatient, what do you expect?)
One being my wish to have a vast amount of knowledge in the English vocabulary. heh. The second is to have my telling eyes or jumping heart to travel across the globe.
Of course, even if I could find the words to describe the things that I'd wanted to say.. or get my heart to jump oceans.. it probably wouldn't make any difference. I am emotionally retarded, I can't help it.

Later in the evening Dida had asked me out for a drive around -- she had things on her mind..
And I know it's selfish to say this but sometimes I wish I wasn't so all-ears. But I am.. I was made that way. If I could choose though, I'd somehow rather live in a cocoon, blissfully unaware of the awful things that goes on in the lives of my loved ones. I can't help it.

So there's another thing to be grateful about -- even though God had made me with this gift/curse of empathy.. He'd made me to be just as forgetful so I could forget about the unhappy things and go about with my life.. hehehe.

I'd like to think that God has His plans for me.. since I feel like rubbish for most of the time, if my mere existence in the universe turns out to be JUST so I could be the person my sisters and friends can talk to.. I think I can accept that. Beats being created just to be a rubbish.. heehee.

Oooh.. also, another thing to be thankful for is the fact that I don't have that many people to love. Just my family and a couple of really close friends. Can you imagine the amount of time I'd spend being upset and crying for/with them if I had more??

sigh. For every heart breaks that you've had my dear sister, my heart breaks with it too..

I'm Posting It

Killin me softly..

Just so you know.. I'm writing this while my head is in the sky and my heart has flown off to be someplace else.. What I'm trying to say is, if I don't make any sense in this entry.. well.. blame the distractions. hahhaha! (yeah, forget the fact that I actually love to be distracted. They're SO MUCH fun than focusing on one thing, really..)

We (some Illum friends and I) had this discussion in the chatroom once.. about the song that we like to listen to while we're playing that darned MHA (that sucks the life of us). So most of them had listed a bunch of songs with some fast beats, myself included. (I was loving Paramore's Born For This.. because I thought, being "born" to be a badass in FFA was just hilarious -- of course, the real fact is that I get KOed just as much as I KO other people, so I'm not really sure if I should call myself a badass.. but anyway, I'm rambling away from my point!)

Recently I noticed that I've been listening to much slower songs while clicking on some bunch of actions on the target.. and thought.. wow, I'm SICK! hahahha! I mean.. there I sit, wishing a random guy to die while I'm listening to words like "who doesn't long for someone to hold, who knows how to love you without being told"
HAHHAHAHAHHAHA!!
(Those are the words to Natasha Bedingfield's Soulmate by the way.)
God, I can be so weird sometimes..

Anyway, I've gotten around to get myself stuck listening to this song over and over again..

Ray LaMontagne - Hold You In My Arms

When you came to me with your bad dreams and your fears
It was easy to see that you'd been crying
Seems like everywhere you turn catastrophe it reigns
But who really profits from the dying
I could hold you in my arms
I could hold you forever
I could hold you in my arms
I could hold you in my arms forever

When you kissed my lips with my mouth so full of questions
It's my worried mind that you quiet
Place your hands on my face
Close my eyes and say
Love is a poor man's food
Don't prophesy
I could hold you in my arms
I could hold you forever
And I could hold you in my arms
I could hold you forever

So now we see how it is
This fist begets the spear
Weapons of war
Symptoms of madness
Don't let your eyes refuse to see
Don't let your ears refuse to hear
Or you ain't never going to shake this sense of sadness
I could hold you in my arms
I could hold on forever
And I could hold you in my arms
I could hold forever

14 hours and 42 minutes.

That was how long I was disabled from my Facebook account.

Please be aware that if your account is disabled again, we will not be able to reactivate it. While using the message feature, keep in mind that it's possible to run into a block based on how many messages you send and how fast you send them.

Yeah, I am now ignoring all the messages I get. Like.. what ever. Alliances.. do I care? Banner.. pshhh. HTML requests? what ever.. hahhaha!!

But it's annoying to have to try and ignore the hate mails.. or at least the ones with questions in it. bleh.. I'll just have to suck it and like.. write just five messages per day once the warning message is off the main page.
hmmph. I hate not being able to write.