大 せつに

ughh..
Fruits Basket, episode 8 always gets me.
Okay well, since it's the umpteenth time that I've seen it.. it didn't get me as bad as it did when I saw it for the first time, but still.. it bugs me.

So I recently found a way to dull my thoughts; repetitive writing.
I have two full pages of it in my Moleskine now. haha! I suppose I had needed some major dulling the other day.
(For notes, I find smoking actually intensifies certain unwanted thoughts -- which I really don't need.)

As the year progresses, I find myself cursing more and more.
You see, when someone asks my age, I'd answer them the non-Malaysian style; which is really.. the age that I am instead of the age I'd be that year. It hardly seems fair for me to tell people that I'm 24.. Am I supposed to enjoy being 23 only for 18 days?? Come on!
And it pisses me off when people thinks that I told them I'm 23 because I hate aging.

Well, okay. I do. Only because I haven't done half the things that I wanted to do. Achieve things that I aspired to.
Torres is 24, did you know? So is Tévez. hahhaha. Okay, I'm not aspiring to become a footballer, just so you know. But it bugs me.. the number of successful people at my age.

And the worst of all, I am a firm believer that if you hate the situation that you're in, you should change it. So I am currently hating the situation.. well, my brain most of all.
I am currently hating myself but I am still me. So there is this constant battle in my head between the need to change my life.. my views.. or myself and trying to understand why I am hating them so much and yet still being in the same situation that I had started off with.
Am I making sense?
Anyway, I'm definitely hating my situation.. so I should change it. Or at least change my feelings towards it! hahahha!

Ohh I hate that tomorrow will be the start of July..

Ooh. Espana won the EURO. I wasn't exactly rooting for them but Germany didn't look like they deserved to win. Oh well..

Eman - I Shut Down

umm..

[!TJ-Schism] although tbh waniela, you're probably adhd

heh. I find it interesting having someone said that to me.
Question 18, "Even when sitting quietly, I am usually moving my hands or feet." Somehow reminded me of this one time when I was 12, in the school's hall. It was the end of year and we were preparing for the end of year ceremonies. I was sitting next to my class teacher, waiting for my turn on the rehearsal for the pantomime (I was one of the narrators) and I was fidgeting.. moving my feet, then my teacher placed her hand on my knee and asked me to stop. hahahha!
If only I'd known of ADHD at that time.

Anyway, the quiz said I'm moderately ADHD, but I'm actually just 2-points away from having "Adult ADHD".
mm.. I don't know why I'm typing this entry. I'm just bored I guess. Maybe I just need to get one of the bunch of mess that is in my head out. Or maybe I'm trying to tell myself that I have a perfect excuse for being exactly who I am. Then probably I won't hate myself too much. ha ha ha ha ha!

Stupid song is in my head;

Vanessa Hudgens - Say OK

Lets distract oneself..

umm.. you know.. When you're feeling bored.. or have a particular impure thought that you'd rather not think about, distraction is the way to go!

Funnily, when I need to distract myself, I always think about food..
Famous Amos cookies, Chocolate Chip with Pecan. ooh..!
Cream puff.. the one you can get at Pavillion.. the kind that oozes cream with every bite! A bit of a mess really but oooh!
A good piece of pie.. Apple pie.. I am SO going to get it the next time I'm at San Fran restaurant.
Strawberry tart at Coffee Bean.. gaah!! oh wow, I haven't been to Coffee Bean in a while! ooh.. I also want that strawberry cake at that cake shop that I can't remember the name of. Fruity? Juicy? ughh..
I wish Secret Recipe still makes their baked cheese cake. I miss those. Haven't been to Secret Recipe ever since they discontinued it. Morons.
oh oh! The simplest of all.. a Baguette with a good slab of French butter.. yummm!!

Apparently I'm craving for sweet and creamy things.
mm.. my attempt at distracting myself isn't working..
and obviously this is one unnecessary entry. (yet another failed attempt at distracting myself.)

3 - 2

bwahahha! Selangor lost the final FA Cup against Kedah.
It was pretty intense during the final 20 minutes.. but it was too late. Actually I was even surprised that we made it to the finals.. Selangor had been playing pretty pathetically lately. heh.
(I have faith in my team.. but I spare my blind faith for just God. hahaha! You can never underestimate people's stupidity.. but I am NOT that stupid.. heehee.)


Ooh! On our (me and Dida) way back, the radio was playing the following song;

The Cranberries - Linger

hahhaha!!
Damn, Azraai! I keep thinking of you whenever I hear this song. Curse youuuu!
Anyway, I forgot.. when are you supposed to come back again? heeheehee.

Miss Thirty.

Okay, well.. Mrs, more like.

It was Nina's birthday yesterday and we'd celebrated by going to the karaoke. heehee. Papa wasn't there though, typical! Such a party-pooper.

We did nothing much basically. Ruined a bunch of songs like always. Dida likes to torture ME by choosing songs with ridiculously high pitches and tells ME to sing them for HER. So of course, she sings them perfectly in tune while I.. did not. hahaha!

Anyway, then Dida sang one of Letto's songs and now my mind keeps repeating it. Lyrics.. lyrics.. the poetry in Indonesian songs never fail to amaze me.

Letto - Hantui Aku

Tapi memang dirimu selalu hantuiku Walauku tak tahu hatimu Oh please jangan pernah kau berhenti hantui aku

But it's true that you always haunt me Even when I don't know your feelings Oh please don't you ever stop haunting me

uh.. yeah, that was my pathetic attempt at translating the chorus.

"New Post"

It's been days since I last posted.
And it has also been an interesting couple of days since I discovered that Dida's Konica Minolta camera can also be used as a webcam!


Also.. rediscovering Skype was a lot of fun! Did you know that you can have a conference with up to 25 people?! I mean, that's impressive! Sure, you won't be able to hear everyone talk at the same time but the sound quality is amazing! heehee.

I actually had a conference with 6 other people the other day.. there were Syl, Nikki, Jake, Julie, Jonny and TJ! It was super cool.. being able to talk to all those guys. Then later had another conference with Eeva and David too! hahhaha!
I must agree with Nikki.. we must be the weirdest people on MHA-world. Of course, I'm not denying the fact that I am pretty weird, but to have met a bunch of similarly weird people out of a game is kinda cool!

Just for notes, I haven't emailed the finance department like I said I would. I don't know what I'm waiting for. I'm just a little stumped I guess. I had emailed them in English and they'd replied in Malay.. and now I'm not sure how to write them back. The words are forming in English in my head but I guess I should write them back in Malay..? blah. My mind keeps getting worked up over some measly things and completely missing the bigger picture. Idiotic.

Today's Nina's birthday. We're planning to celebrate by going to karaoke! hahahha! Should be fun.

On a totally different subject: I've been craving for something sweet for daaayyss!!

. . . .

28444
16-Jun-08 16:42
RM0: Dptkan tips2 cinta yg hangat skrg! Taip ON FANLOV & hantar ke 28444. Anda akan terima mesej bgambar secara PERCUMA tiap2 minggu. Apa tunggu lagi?

HAHHAHAHAHAHHA!
HAHAHAHHAHAH!!!! Really... HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA!!

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

Mark Twain

Hmmm..

The past couple of days has been a little frustrating.
I keep thinking about the past.. if by any chance I could change it.
It's frustrating because I KNOW what I could have done better. Things that I wish to improve. Things that might make the present.. better. (Economic-wise, that is.)

For instance, school. I keep thinking if I hadn't been fooling around too much while I was in high school. I mean, they were FUN but if only I had studied better. I'm not stupid (even being 4-points behind Nina on IQ.. heh!) but I'm just.. so damn lazy when it comes to "working my ass off".
It's so annoying.. if I had done better during SPM, I could've gone to a better school.. or at least cheaper. hahhaha!

But the thing about school.. I've never been very keen on the education part. It has always been about "friends" to me. It has always been about making a contact with another human being. I know, I know.. obviously I've been looking at it all wrong but I'm simply not studious.

So even though the thought of MMU makes me cringe these days.. I can't possibly truly hate it. It had introduced me to some really good friends. Taught me some life-lessons even. Corrupted me a little, but hey it's been fun! I mean, forget about the projects (that I did not complete) and exams (that I'd failed), it had been really fun! (Okay, forget about the time when I was semi-depressed/furious too.)

blah. Anyway, the reason why I'm writing this entry is because reality is sinking in.. and I have to start paying my stupid-asswipe-school loans.
I mean, I've never been really bothered by money. I'm simply too laid-back when it comes to material-things. Finer things are preferable, but I'm fine with what I have. You can't complain when you're lazy, right? I don't think I should complain about things when I'm not exactly doing anything to improve the current situation -- so I don't complain.

But I should grow up.. suck it up and get stuck to a job that I hate.. Seems like that's what grown up people do anyways. blah. I should reply the email from my old school's finance department later.
gaah. How annoying. Even when I know that I must pay my loans, I'm actually thinking of a better way to use my future-paychecks; like travelling! hahahha!

Elefant - Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want

Thinking.. thinking..

I still like listening to sad songs.
I wonder if it means something.
I'm worrying myself by thinking if my subconscious is trying to tell me something. I hope not. heh. I'm obviously thinking too much.

hmm.. maybe I am feeling sad.
Some days I'd rather not speak at all. I realize that talking about my wants and wishes had only reminded me how I don't have them. Of what I'm lacking. How hollow it really feels.
blah. I wonder if one's heart would eventually get tired of aching.

Usher - Moving Mountains

Stuck in my head.

ughh..
Imagine having a tune stuck in your head for two hours.. not remembering the name of the singer, title.. or any part of the lyrics except for "love". hahahha! How annoying is that?? I mean, what song doesn't have the word love in it??

Anyway, finally found it.. now I can have a rest while putting the song on a loop. heh. Now I can get it stuck in my ears.

Samantha Mumba - Always Come Back To Your Love

Come get me.

Heaven knows I'm miserable now.
Of course.
My head keeps playing that song everytime I'm feeling miserable.

I actually need to write something in my Moleskine instead of typing some meaningless things in my blog.. but I just don't feel like reaching deep down into my soul just yet. Enough heart aches for one day. I'd rather not think about it now.
blah. Maybe I should before I forget..

Okay, I'm adoring this song. I think it'd be just as awesome if a girl sings it too. heh.

Day 26 - Got Me Going

Know what I want from you
So what you got baby
You know I wanna see
What you can do with me
hahahha!

Oh, funny..

I redid The Wedding Predictor Test on Tickle.. just to amuse myself earlier.. It used to say that I'll be married by 28th July 2012, but now my "due date" is 3 weeks earlier!
HAHAHHAHAHHAHA!
I don't know how I feel about that.

Well, I'm not going to think much about that, so moving on..
Oranje won last night! woohoo!
And and.. even better news.. Hamilton is penalized for the stunt he did during the race last weekend. HAHAHAHHA!! I'd told Dida that he will be penalized even before the message came out at the bottom of the screen; Incident between cars 1, 7 and 22 will be investigated after the race. I said, "10 spots from his qualifying position", and voila! He did.. will! hahahhaha!

Okay, nothing much to share for now..
but don't you think that this song sounds like something I'd usually listen to? heh.

Midnight Hour - Running Away

hmmm... I'm thinking of nothing.

Fuckface.

Sorry. I'm in a shitty mood.
And I'm not cursing at anyone in particular. (bull!) Okay, I'm mostly cursing at myself.. and reality.
Damn it, I need to grow up.

I've been thinking about a lot lately..
Wondering about a bunch of stuff...
For instance, what if I had not felt the way I felt the months leading to the moment I decided to "screw" education.. If I had been stronger and suck it up.

But I can't regret now, can I?
If I had still been in school, I wouldn't have been able to see Europe.. work in Kinokuniya.. know the locations of the fire escapes in KLCC (that had helped me win a copy of Harry Potter! heh).. hung out as much as I had with Rai that last time he was in town.. I might not even got to know Alia..

I could be in a job right now.. I could have started paying my stupid school loans..
and if I had, I wouldn't be spending as much time on Facebook.. wouldn't spend my days talking to the 16 people that I talk to every single day.
I wouldn't have known you..
Wouldn't have your calls to look forward to everyday...

Would I be happier? I don't know!
Now all I can think about is what I can do to make us happy. gaah! I swear, my head make me sound like an old fart. I HATE IT! I hate it when my thoughts sounded so serious. heh. It's an ego thing actually.
I refuse to take things any more seriously than the other person does. hahahhaha! shit. I was talking about something serious just now! I'm not supposed to laugh! grrrr.

Stupid fucking school loans. They should leave me alone. Seriously, they hardly taught me anything in school.. they shouldn't make me pay.. the bastards. The fucking assholes.

ABBA - Money, Money, Money

Damn it. It finally feels like I need to get a job.
Not just because I need to pay that damn school loans. It's just.. hmmph.. I finally have something that I actually.. really want.
Damn you.. and I can't even hate you.

Bloody hell..

I think I need to bang my head to the wall.. hard, so I could forget about the weekend. (Saturday in particular.)
blah. Remind me not to want anything so bad ever again.
Syl, I don't want you.
hahahhaha! (Laughing so I won't cry again. I absolutely HATE getting worked up like this.. blah!!! grrr!!! Make me forget, make me forget, make me forget, make me forget..)

I watched Step Up 2 : The Streets earlier. I had to sigh. Have I ever mentioned here that I love guys who can mooove? hahahha! Although I've never related them to sex (as Hitch would've suggested). I think it's just cool. And that is why, I can't help myself from watching movies about dancing.. or can't turn my eyes away when there's Usher's or Chris Brown's video on telly.
O yeah, speaking of Chris Brown, I swear I saw someone who looked like him a few days ago (that damned Saturday). That guy had the brows and lips.. heehee.

I had to try my best not to stare at him. hahahha!!
Of course, I'm kinda bad at NOT-staring. But I didn't get caught.. so.. ALL HAIL THE STARE-MASTEH.
hahahhahahahha!!
I'm losing my mind, sorry.

Oh, I like Step Up 2 by the way. I think that dance at the end was HOT! hahahhaha!
Anyway.. trying to find She's All That now. Kinda missed it. heehee.
oooh.. Nederland versus Italia tonight!! Land, hup hup Hol! hahhahaha!! God, I miss everything Europe right now..

GO ORANJE!!

Cherish feat. Yung Joc - Killa

Crushed.

Yes I am.
But you don't know that 'cause I'm not saying anything about it. Not yet at least. So never mind that.. for now. I just need to clear my head a bit.. find a new plan, set THAT in motion.. and once I no longer feel crushed or at least calm enough when I think about it, I shall tell someone about this stupid thing that had left me baffled and clueless.

A thought crossed my mind yesterday..
I wish I was photogenic.
I wish I was goth so random people wouldn't ask me for directions.
But really, the two won't go hand in hand would they? heehee.
Actually, I do wish I am photogenic AND that people wouldn't come to me and ask for directions. I was waiting for a bus yesterday and there were.. a LOT of people around. But this black car stopped right in front of ME! Asked how to get to Plaza Massalam. In my shock and stupidity, I told the man on the driver seat to make a u-turn when he could easily drive all the way straight until he sees the roundabout. gaaah! (I did told him that, eventually.. after a lot of err and umm when I can't visualize the road if he HAD made a u-turn.)
Idiot.

I swear, some days I just don't know where my head's at.

hmm.. changing topic.. you know, there is ONE question that I can't answer 'cause it's annoyingly easy and yet I have NO ANSWER for it??
"What is the most embarrassing moment of your life?"
Bloody hell. I don't think I have any!! The only thing I can think of was the one when I fell flat on the floor after jumping out of a chair during class, but really.. that wasn't really embarrassing! It was funny! I laughed so hard that day! gaah. I can't believe I can't answer one simple question.
Idiot. I should stop laughing at everything.

Okay. I'm coughing and I need a good rest.

Love you hunnyyyyy!!
heeheeheee.

Mush.

The Pogues - Love You 'Till The End

Finally!

I'm coming down with a flu/fever... excellent!
I must've sneezed.. at least a dozen times today. Horrible.
Dida just laughed earlier.. as if impressed with the viruses for finally getting me. hahha! After months of trying.. with the rest of the family having the flu and fever that had dragged on for weeks.. TWICE, the virus finally infected me.
baah. Just when I thought I was invincible. hahahha!

The last time I was being stubborn and refused any medication (well, I was in the experimenting-mood anyway) the flu had stayed with me for two weeks.. so.. Panadol, here I come!

YUCK at the dark circle under my eye!

Fuel price going up..

I swear everyone's losing their mind.
And I'm glad that I don't have a car. I'd be pissy.
Dida is planning of ways to save up some money -- actually turning off the a/c, waking up early so she wouldn't have to use the highway with the more expensive toll to work.

The petrol price is RM1.92 per litre and it'll be RM2.70 per litre starting midnight.

There's a Petronas station near our house and there was.. a crazy long queue leading towards it!! Me and Dida had a hard time going out and going back in to the area of our block! It was crazy!! We hated it. We hate stupid people who are oblivious that they're blocking our way.

the red dots were the cars lining up towards Petronas
Dida actually said that someone should throw a Molotov cocktail at Pak Lah.. hahahha! I swear, it was almost poetic.. throwing a petrol bomb. HAHAHA!
FYI, I am NOT suggesting that anyone really should hurt the prime minister in any way, yeah?
But seriously, increasing the fuel price is by NO CHANCE the way to the people's hearts. The government had definitely lost it.

P.S, you blow!

Finally saw P.S. I Love You.. and I don't like it. Not one bit. I think it's a disgrace! (okay, that was mean) But I really don't like it. If it was meant to be an adaptation of the book that I love.. I say that it's a BAAAAD adaptation!
Real bad.

But I'd talked to someone who had seen the movie without reading it first and he happens to like it. Ah well.. if you find yourself liking it, obviously you haven't read the book.

Something a tad random: Dida thinks I don't know myself as well as I think I do. Apparently at my age, I couldn't possibly know myself.
I don't know.. heh! Okay, maybe she's right.

Saw this when I was going up the stairs to my house.
Very sad teddy bear.. left outside in the cold rainy night.

it took me 6 hours and 12 minutes to finish writing this entry! hahahha!

Happy birthday pops!

Papa's birthday yesterday..
See, I've mentioned it before.. how I like June.. I like Geminis. Papa and Nina are Geminis.. so was my first best-guy-friend. heh. (hmm.. I wonder how's he doing these days.)

So anyway, we all got together for a dinner at San Fran Steakhouse (Midvalley!)
Dida had told Nina, Jasmin, and our parents that the manager had a thing for me 'cause he remembers me. blah. She likes to do that.
Of course, there's nothing wrong when a manager of a restaurant remembers you right? It's actually quite flattering when he comes to your table with your exact order and said, "for you.."
HAHAHHAHAHA!!!
I thought it was hilarious too. Then Mama craned her neck trying to get a look at the guy when he was way at the end of the room.

But really.. when it comes to food, I can get annoyingly predictable. I'll eat the same thing again and again until I get so sick of it that I wouldn't want to have it or look at it for a long period of time. haha!
So.. it's no surprise that the manager actually remembers my "usual".

So anyway, basically I had spent my night smacking Dida's arm for a bunch of reasons, having too much to eat, laughing hysterically at some silly jokes and trying my best not to walk funny 'cause my heels were hurting me. hahhaha!

It's been a good night, I suppose.
I'm willing to bet that I'll have pleasant dreams tonight but only to wake up feeling miserable. gaah!

High self-esteem -- required.

It's been an enlightening weekend for me..
A load of "family-time", but not too bad.

Had a family get together at Cik Yam's place on Saturday, and some time in the middle of it, Fariza (my cousin whom had gotten married less than a month ago) announced that we're going to merisik (pardon my lack of vocabulary) her brother's girlfriend after next month's family get together!
(Merisik is basically a Malay's tradition where the guy's family visits the girl's family home to meet her parents and voice their son's interest in marrying their daughter.)

Aaacckk!!
Apparently.. obviously.. we're practically lining up the wedding(s) for next year. And also.. seemingly, we're starting a tradition of 2 weddings in a year. (Cik Mi's and Maya's last year.. Fariza's and Ain's this year..) The second Fariza made that announcement, my uncs and aunts called out the names of us older kids; a couple of my cousins.. Dida.. MINE as candidates for the second wedding of next year! (Of course, my response to being called was anything but graceful.)
The more people talk about weddings, the more I want mine to be later.. laaater.. waaayy later. Just NOT NOW!

Dida said something very interesting that day. Because there was this one brief moment.. where this kid; Cik Yam's helper's kid did something wrong by accident.. and Cik Yam automatically made fun of her. She was like.. four, I think! And Dida made a point that whomever is in our family -- or wants to join us, NEEDS to have a very high self-esteem. (or a super-thick skin!) Between the sarcasm and constant teasing.. really.. you won't be able to hold out for long if you don't have either of those.
And so I said to Dida and Papa; "Should I worry for my future spouse..? No, I rephrase. I'm worried for my future spouse." hahahha! Seriously though.. my extended family.. the entire lot of my dad's side are.. incredibly sarcastic.

On Sunday, me, Dida and our mom went to Seremban to see Nina and the kiddies. Did nothing much really.. Nina just wanted to try out a recipe from her copy of Nigella's Feast; which had really cracked me up from the kiddies' doodles! I swear.. Nigella had turned into a vampiress!!
Watched some telly while we waited.. (for the super-late lunch/early dinner.. hahha!!)

But at one point, I was distracted by the small group of ants on the windowsill.. they were stubbornly trying to get some bug into the tiny crack on the window. It was amazing.. and annoying at the same time! They must've tried it for at least 2 hours 'cause that was how long I was watching the telly. (repeat of Sassy Girl Chun Hyang was on 8tv!!) But I was never good at waiting and staring so I never knew if the ants managed to get the bug into the crack.

The chicken was nice!! But the mashed potato was even more awesome. *ehem* Because I worked on the potatoes.. *ehem* hahhaha!
We did nothing much after the meal. Just sitting around, yapping.. watching the kids play.. gossiping a bit.. Talking about our mom even though she was in the same room.. hahhaha! I adore my two sisters.. except the fact that Dida is SO Dida.. typically telling Nina stuff about me. gaaah! It's actually weird when people knows things about you when you didn't tell them anything. Feels like they're cheating or something. heh.

Kiddies running around

Okie.. should head to bed soon if I want an early start tomorrow. (Today, really.)