"Jeleben"

For future reference yah, jeleben was Dida's train of thought as she was trying to remember "urban legend".

:P

Dida, stop poking me.

Do I try too hard to make us smile?

blah.
Is the Raya greeting lame or what?! bahahhaha! pemalas betul.. dahlaa buat random search untuk gamba pelita (read: curik!), lepas tu tak spend setengah jam pun untuk so-called "edit".. Lamez0r!!
Anyway, this is the perfect time for you to say, "it's okay.. it's the thought that counts." hahahha!

So.. how about it? Want me to make another attempt at writing in Malay? HAHAHHA! (It's going to be pathetic.) I'll write Malish a bit then.
hmm.. skarang kat rumah ade laa ura ura macam nak Raya.. Papa tengah anyam ketupat, (he asked if I wanted to help earlier but I was doing that greeting thing) while Mama is.. eh. Sementara Mama tengah jahit baju Raya -- last minute, typically her. Tadi dia cakap, "dah dekat nak Raya pon maseh chatting!" walhal Wanie tengah taip menda alah ni. Chatting la beno. She's special like that; she's been making snide comments to me since I got back, which I don't appreciate at all. And rarely do I take things quietly, earlier this morning I said to her; "kalau takde ape elok nak cakap, takyah cakap laa" (if you haven't got anything nice to say, don't say it at all) huhuu. Bertuah betul la dapat anak cam Wanie. sigh. Naseb baik esok Raya. Tapi tapi.. I hate asking for forgiveness when I don't really mean it. mmph! Dengan harapan malam ni terbuka lah hati.. epiphany of a sort.
-end Malish-

I'd most probably spend the most of tomorrow in the car sulking. We're travelling to Perak to visit my mom's side of the family and they're usually the ones who like to ask me what I've been up to -- mostly because we only see them once a year. gah! I'd like to skip the day and go straight to the night please! The part of night where I'm in bed with Boyfie at the end of the phone line. I like that part very much.

Oh God, it is SO boring to keep saying this but man, I miss my guitar!! There's always something that stops me from being able to play it; rusty strings.. broken peghead.. the guitar itself being at a friend of Dida's place.. (haha! I really need to get her to get it back.)
Anyway, I always want my guitar the most when I'm obsessed about any particular song -- as I am right now. When I say obsessed, it means that it's the last thing I thought about (or listen to) before I fall asleep and the first thing that comes to mind when I wake up.
Hunny, keep in mind that I'm very much capable of having multiple thoughts at once.. because one way or another, everything sort of relates to each other.

*
*
*

ughh. I just spent the last 40 minutes peeling a bag of onions, but I'm proud to say that I didn't shed a single tear! muahhahaha!! Pwned! Well, I'm happy that at least I contributed something this Raya!! weeeeeeeee!

oh.. this is absolutely pointless, but I managed to fast everyday this Ramadhan! woohooo! (Okay, that cheer was a sarcastic one.) I mean, good for me for not having to.. err.. ganti (replace? substitute?) the days that I miss if I were to skip some days due to my period; but since I didn't (get my period).. it'd meant that my hormones are whacked! ick!
Probably this is only the third time it has ever happened since I first got my period 11 years ago. 3 out of 132 cycles isn't bad I suppose.. Although now I'm wondering if it's possible to figure out what's making my hormones running stupid.

Okay. My back is tired from sitting for too long. (My chair doesn't have a back rest.) So.. 'til later!
Have a good day everyone.
Semoga amal ibadah yang kita jalankan sepanjang bulan ni diterima Allah.. heehee. (I feel funny when I try to be righteous.)

"Randominity"

Nina asked me a few days ago, "how do people actually make money from their blogs?"
-- Ads
I know how some people managed to get at least a little pocket money by having ads on their website/blogs -- and I've had enough people telling me that I should try that. I've tried Google ads once.. I can't remember why I removed it. I checked out Nuffnang just now and you know what? I've made up my mind..

I am NEVER going to have an ad on my blog!
WHYY do they have to be SO BIG?!! If I've been using a boring, basic template.. I probably wouldn't mind having one of those ads on my blog. But I spent too many hours on my design and tweaking the html (css?) to have it maimed by some advertisement.
I simply, absolutely REFUSE to let that happen!
That is like having a stranger telling you that your name needs an extra 'E'. pshh! (I'm obviously taking this blog waay too personally -- but of course! I'm allowed to.) Guess I'll just have to make my money some other way then. *cue really BIG laugh*

gah! I should think of something to write before I gush about the Boyfie now. It's so annoying when you're hit by the fact that YOU'RE that kind of girl -- the one who wouldn't mind spending her whole day just talking on and on about her boyfriend as if EVERYONE wanted to know EVERYTHING there is to know about him. hahahha! Anyway, even though I am that girl.. I shall try my best to spare you all from reading too much about him. Just because I'm obsessed about him, there isn't a reason why I should convert you to be just as obsessed, right?
I don't think he'd appreciate that anyway.
accck! Wanie - STOP!

The knuckle to my little finger of my right hand is slightly purple from punching my cpu too much last night. (The thing is old, and I'm pretty sure that something is seriously wrong with the motherboard.. or what ever thing there is in there, but anyway.. everytime the cpu beeps, I would punch it. Or kick. Depends on my mood really.)

I'm trying to download James Morrison's new album. Yes, download. I know I know.. I'll buy his album eventually. (Maybe after the Eid..? bahahhaha!!)
I miss my guitar. (Dejavu anyone?)

Took me two hours to write this entry. I swear it'd felt longer than that. Anyway, I just didn't feel like hitting the 'publish' button on a really short entry. I am not known for writing short entries.. or letters.. or even cards.

That reminds me.. one more day of fasting and it'll be Eid ul-Fitr! (the exclamation mark isn't exactly me being excited, by the way.) Funny, me and Bahijah were talking about our feelings on the Eid last night; how we're not excited about it as we used to when we were.. younger -- but we both agreed that we ARE excited to be able to eat during the day again!! HAHAHAHAHA!! ♥

James Morrison - Nothing Ever Hurt Like You

Night race.

Now, this is rare.. but I'm actually going to touch something on the current events! (zomg!!)

So.. I didn't like the Singapore GP -- and no, not because neither of the Ferrari cars managed to get a point.
For one, the night race didn't really seem like a night race. I definitely prefer my idea of a "night race". (Imagine the cars painted with glow in the dark paints and the streets are lined with glow in the dark/fluorescent strip.) Okay, I didn't say that it was going to be safe, but really.. can you honestly say that the current Marina Bay circuit is "safe"?

With the high kerb (chicane..?) at Turn 10 (I think..?) and bumpy roads -- which had caused some cars to emit sparks on their tails; which I had actually find amusing. hehe. (Reminds me of sparklers.)
I don't know.. I guess I was just expecting MORE.
And lets face it.. the Malaysian GP's trophy looked WAAAAAYYY cooler than the Singapore GP's trophy. hahahaha!

Okay, no more dissing the Singapore GP. Boyfie could probably think of some good thing about it though.. hmm.. I wonder if it's patriotism when you complain about the neighbouring country's event. hahahaha!

Anyway, Malaysia isn't going to have a night race as it had been proposed for next year. (Not to have another night race, but to accommodate those European fans apparently.) Instead, FIA agreed that the race time will be at 5pm instead of 3pm as it has been in the previous years.
yippeeee!! No more sunburn! hahahha! I'm excited about THAT! (it took me weeks to get rid of the tan line I got from watching the race in March!)

Okay, I'm going to stop writing now so I can eat. Plus, I don't think I'm using the proper grammar here. I've been sleepy -- but stubborn. Very very stubborn.
Have a good week, everyone! ♥

Oh, and Happy Birthday, Shahnon!

mm.. okay..

So me and my friends got together (finally) for break-fast. err.. but there were fourteen of us and I wasn't exactly in talking-terms to half of them. (Okay, honestly.. I can only admit that there were only 3 or 4 of my friends while the rest of them were acquaintances.. oh! Three were complete strangers! hahaha! But lets get over that now.)

uhh.. actually, I haven't got much to say about it. It's nice seeing those familiar faces.. but I'm not exactly the life-of-the-party type. hehe.
Darn it. Never mind me. I haven't been in a cheery mood all day so I simply cannot write about anything cheerful.
Go look for a cheery blog, shoo!

Panic at 2.

Nothing really horrible.
Boyfie said something that worried him and a thought crossed my mind -- which then caused my heart to skip a beat and somehow mess up its whole rhythm for a few minutes. Idiotic, really.
Idiocy and Wanie goes hand in hand, I shouldn't be so surprised anymore.

Anyway, even though I was just being an idiot.. my worries had managed to creep into my dream and completely ruin my night's sleep.
Imagine coming home to a place you're unfamiliar with, quite alone.. and the only person there besides you was a stranger whose sole purpose was to tell you that no one is there for you. Cue dramatic score -- yes, score. Believe it or not, some of my dreams actually has its own soundtrack and the sound was a very very dramatic (yet heartbreaking) composition of violins and cellos a few hours ago.

So when I woke Nina up at 4:30 this morning, walking in a straight line was quite impossible. I only came off the drowsiness around 5:15. And though I'm very much awake right now (and a little afraid of going back to sleep) I know that I should go back to bed. Plus, the sky outside is turning lighter blue by the minute.. it's now or never.
mm.. so.. off to sleep now.

ughh.

It's amazing how bothered I can be over some stupid game on Facebook.

What's more amazing is how useless my brain is.
And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that God has given me a bad brain.. Believe me, He's equipped me with a great one.. but rarely do I use it. I don't deserve it. I'M useless.

Again.. and again.. and again.. I keep doing, saying the stupidest things.
Some people are just oddly talented, apparently.

That's it for tonight. I know that you haven't got a single clue to why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling, and thinking the way I'm thinking right now.. but that is best, for you.
End rant.

Nina the historian.

It's incredible what I've learned from her in the past few days.
I admit that I myself is an incredibly forgetful person.. but really! She remembers a WHOLE lot of things that I can't seem to remember.

Like how I would push my father's buttons. hahaha! I'm such a terrible child. (Evil spawn.) I honestly wouldn't know what to do if MY child turns out to be like me. I pray that my future spouse will be able to handle Wanie Jr.
Maybe I could avoid that from happening by planning my pregnancy; must - not - have - Sagi - child! (you should know that I always end up blaming my zodiac sign by now.)

Me and Nina were talking the other day.. how grateful we are that we weren't born.. ugly. (I'm afraid there isn't a better word to say it.) Because lets face it (no pun intended), your tolerance level towards stupid, yet pretty people are usually higher than for stupid AND ugly people.
So yah, we're THANKFUL that we're not ugly.. so even when we say the stupidest things, (such as this) people can't hate us so much. *bats eyelashes*

We were talking earlier about Dida.. ngumpat, hahaha!! about the kind of man that she is looking for. If she KNOWS what kind of man that she wants. Nina said that it had always been clear to her that she wants a man who loves her more than she loves him, and she found that man in my brother in law. Good for her. As for me, I want someone whom I can talk with. Nina said that'd sound easy enough.. but of course, she'd forgotten that little fact where I - DON'T - SHARE my real feelings and thoughts to just anyone.
So now I'm sort of looking forward to seeing Dida and ask her if she has that ONE thing she looks for in a guy.

I've been spamming my blog these past few days haven't I?
Seems like there's been a bunch of random thoughts in my mind..
Should head to bed now. Goodnight world.

Because I'm bored (and not in the freakin' mood!)

• Are you currently in a serious relationship?
  -- err.. I am in a relationship, it's a wee more serious than any of my previous ones.. but am I in a serious relationship? I'm genetically incapable of answering this question straight forward.
  
  
• What was your dream growing up?
  -- well, I think it was my father's dream; it has something to do with engineering. Guess I never knew what I wanted.. until a few years back. (To really answer the question, I didn't dream of anything growing up.)
  
  
• What talent do you wish you had?
  -- hmm.. photographic memory. And to be able to focus, please!
  
  
• If someone bought you a drink what would it be?
  -- Shirley Temple.. better yet, buy me grenadine so I can make my own whenever I feel like it. uh.. or you could buy me a large Caramel Ice Blend, thanks!
  
  
• Favorite vegetable?
  -- carrot.
  
  
• What was the last book you read?
  -- Rosie Dunne by Cecelia Ahern. (Just wanted to be reminded how annoying the story really was.)
  
  
• What zodiac sign are you?
  -- Sagittarius!
  
  
• Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
  -- pierced ears.
  
  
• Worst Habit?
  -- I tend to storm off from the room without saying a word when I'm infuriated. Not sure if that's a habit but I don't think storming off anywhere is nice.
  
  
• What is your favorite sport?
  -- football.
  
  
• Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude?
  -- Pessimistic for myself, optimistic towards others.
  
  
• Worst thing to ever happen to you?
  -- I don't think anything really bad ever happened to me. They were all avoidable. Maybe the worst thing ever happened was the fact that I was born to be as unreasonable as I am. hahaha!
  
  
• One weird fact about you.
  -- I love talking to strangers! I don't think it's weird but everyone else seem to think that it is. I like that I won't have to keep in touch with them. I like that we only share things that we WANT to share with each other. It's like an adventure that we have a control of. (oh, and though I like talking to them, I was never the one who started the conversation -- I'm shy. hahahha!)
  
  
• Do you have any pets?
  -- none.
  
  
• Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
  -- neither. Honestly, they annoy me. They seem to think that they're funny and entertaining but they never amused me.
  
  
• If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
  -- I'd rather not be wearing glasses but I'm genetically screwed.
  
  
• Would you be a crime partner or a conscience?
  -- crime partner. I'm never the party-pooper.
  
  
• What color eyes do you have?
  -- dark brown.
  
  
• Ever been arrested?
  -- nope.
  
  
• Bottle or can soda?
  -- bottle. I'm greedy.
  
  
• If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
  -- shop for clothes and books, (pack them into one huge bag) and go travelling. (Or travel to ONE place and stay there for as long as I can.)
  
  
• What's your favorite place to hang out at?
  -- Coffee Bean, specifically in Pavillion.. but I also like San Francisco Restaurant in Midvalley because they know me there! hehe.
  
  
• Do you believe in ghosts?
  -- yes, unfortunately.
  
  
• Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
  -- write.. or in the absence of ideas to write about, daydream.
  
  
• Do you swear a lot?
  -- more than a "lady" should.
  
  
• Biggest pet peeve?
  -- inconsistent beats (I know, that's an odd thing to be peeved at), incredibly sluggish internet connection, getting my personal space violated and bLogZ dAt sPeLLs lYk diS.
  
  
• In one word, how would you describe yourself?
  -- quirky..? (yes, with the question mark.)
  
  
• Do you believe/appreciate romance?
  -- mm.. yes.
  
  
• Favourite and least favourite food?
  -- favourite: steak, bread, pastas, potatoes.. (CARBS!!) least favourite: papaya. (really, I wouldn't touch it if I can help it.)
  
  
• Do you believe in God?
  -- yes.

Mystical or magical.

"Cino uddhu' wong"
heehee. I just can't get that out of my head. I definitely think that Javanese feels or thinks that they are simply superior than the others. Which we probably are. HAHAHAHAHA!!

Have you seen Puteri Gunung Ledang?
She's Javanese by the way. I saw that movie with my dad and after the show he told me a few things about ilmu sapu angin (how the princess and her brother travelled around) which I thought was amusing. I wonder if anyone can do that today.

I found out earlier this year that we are of royal blood from my grandmother's side. I gaped when I found out -- I always found things out late in life. blah. So anyway, apparently she had some royal blood in her but my grandfather was truly a commoner. I don't know if there really is a point in me telling all this but.. royalty = Puteri Gunung Ledang..? HAHAHAHHA!!

So Nina and I were discussing it last night. Our "mystic" powers -- or if we had any. I think Nina has it. She used to get really telling dreams which are so straight forward. I get a few but.. they needed to be deciphered. hehe.
Plus, if you're a guy.. you wouldn't want to mess with Nina. Bad things may happen to you. (err.. even my brother in law isn't excluded from this one since bad things did happen to him.)

I can't help but be in awe by her stories. I wish I was that cool. hahaha!
Unless you can count being lucky as mystical. haha! Still kinda boring in comparison. Just because I win more things than my sisters.. it doesn't mean anything really. Especially since I feel like I'm running out of luck -- which blows, big time!
But anyway.. apparently my parents used to ask ME to pick things or numbers when I was little because THEY think I'm lucky too. (I don't remember this..) Nina reminded me that we'd won something with my choice.. (and never won anything with Nina or Dida's choice.)

Anyway, luck = boring!
Especially since I've been using that word to express my gratitude. It's getting a bit typical.. I know it's silly but I wish I was more than just ME. gahh! I'm bored, and an absolutely boring person. yuck.

Okay, I need to stop thinking about me me me me ME and join Nina in the kitchen.. ♥

Horoscopes.

So I was reading mine on New Straits Times as I wait for Nina to get back;

There is a great likelihood that you and your partner could be having more than one misunderstanding at present. Remember that Mercury is moving backwards and this should enable both of you to have a good laugh.

hahahhahahahahaha!!!
I'm laughing now, whaddyaknow..

5 days 'til Eid.

mm.. I can't remember when was the last time I was actually excited about the Eid. Probably while I was in school since it meant school break! hehe. I suppose that's one positive thing about school.. it makes you appreciate your time off and home more. (You weren't expecting that I'd say "learning" to be the positive thing about school, were you?)

So these past few years I've been pretty nervous about celebrating Eid. I don't like the family get together so much. I hate the fact that I don't have anything new to update them with.
"So what have you been up to, Wanie?"
NOTHING!!!
"Have you found any work yet?"
NO!!
"Such a shame that you quit school.. why did you quit anyway?"
MIND YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS, THANKS!

aah.. it'd be GREAT if I could actually respond to them with those but I'm pretty sure that my parents wouldn't be too happy with it if I do.

Anyway, I didn't send any cards out this year. I should. I should have an annual reminder to send one out to Arep 'cause he never failed to send me one. He makes me feel bad every single time. hahaha!
And I didn't get to see Rai again before he leaves for Germany. blah. What kind of a "good" friend am I?

oops! Break-fast time!! whoopeedeedooda!

Jumble of things.

(that happens when I want to write even though I have nothing in particular to write about.)

Nina can't think of what she wants to make for break-fast so she deduced that we'll buy something for dinner.
HAHHAHAHAHA!! ♥

The family drama has gotten a little more serious apparently. Our correspondent (ha!) in Shah Alam reported this morning (YES, MORNING! 5:30am hokeyy) that a heated exchange of words occured during sahur, thus providing Nina and I our dose of early entertainment. ♥

Nina made a funny comment about her families earlier. She said that her in-laws were like taken out from a Malay TV1 drama while ours -- La Usurpadora; which I find VERY fitting. jos mio!

Have I mentioned that I was short when I was in standard school? Really. Short. I stood second in line during assembly or before we get into class because I was THAT short. Real short that when there was a get together between me and my old standard school friends (when we were already in high school) some of them went, "THAT'S IDA?!! She's tall!" hahaha! O yeah, all my school friends called me by my first name. Most of them still do, but sometimes I don't respond. I forget that that's my name sometimes! hahaha!

This was taken when I was in Standard 5. (ten.. almost eleven years old.) I'm such a rebel; look for the obvious flaw in the picture and you'll find me.


Oh, I'm hungry.

It is your parents' fault.

Don't look at me funny.
It's true.

How you turn out today is based on your parents really. Whether they're THERE or NOT. The fact is that they're (supposedly) there as you grow up, as you learn your way around life.

They're the ones that should tell you how it is okay that you failed your first year Maths exam.. that you can try again, and do it better.. They're the ones who tell you not to start looking for a boyfriend until you're done with school. The ones who tell you that you should ask for MORE because you worth more than to just settle.

Nina was telling me something about someone she knew.. her stories.. about the things that the person did. It was mind boggling! Truly. The ONLY explanation I can find is that the parents didn't do a very good job raising them. Okay, that's mean.. but really!
One wouldn't act so stupidly if he or she was brought up smartly.
You know.. as much as my parents irks me sometimes.. I HAVE to be thankful that they are who they are. I could've had worse. hahaha!

Anyway, the conversation had actually reminded me of a book I saw in the bookstore last month. I couldn't help but laugh and reach out for it. I didn't buy it though.. that's a luxury I can't afford. haha!

I'm going to get my shower now.
I'd planned on having something really smart and witty to say on the subject but I've gone stupid and moodless. So.. 'til later!

Love..?

How do you explain love? Is it even possible to explain? Can I try?
heehee.
FYI, my brain is very much intact when I thought of attempting to write this.. (oy, don't let me regret this.) It's just that "love" has been a pretty constant subject between me and my friends (online ones though they may be) and now I feel like I must document it somehow.

If you ask me last year, my description of the word would probably sound similar to "obsession", but having to finally experience it myself (I believe I have, yes) I can confidently say that I KNOW what love isn't; hence leading me to understand love itself.

See.. when somebody says that they have never been in love, I understand them perfectly. I empathize. Except when TJ (ehem) started talking about love being a reaction of a bunch chemicals in our body! gah! That blows.
Even when I didn't know what love was, I never simplify it to be JUST about chemicals and our hormones.

So when TJ wondered aloud to me and Eeva, we can't help but try to paint him a picture of love. I honestly haven't thought about it myself; how do you really tell someone what love is?
Anyway, I believe (yes, believe -- who REALLY knows about love anyway?) that love is when you see a future with the other person. ("something changes inside of you" does not help in an intellectual discussion.) When your mind annoyingly refuses to stop thinking how contented you would be lying in bed with your other half, doing nothing. To just be. Or maybe when you want that very person to carry your child (err.. this one is obviously not based on my experience! haha), or maybe when you picture yourself in your fiftees and still see yourself with that person.

haha! It's great to be young, really.. I can say stuff like that and get away with it. Though now I'm suddenly feeling like I've jinxed myself for writing about this. Have I? Have I? God, I hope not!!
Why the heck did I start this entry anyway?! Crap. I'm freaking out.
The end.

Zaterdaag.

Jangteh's latest entry had reminded me of a quote that I can't exactly shake off of my head;

When you aspire for something with passion, all the universe conspires to make it happen..

Paulo Coelho

mm.. yah! I could think of at least 3 people I know who would laugh at that particular quote. pshh.. non-believers!
Anyway, if you'd read enough of this blog.. you can easily expect me to believe that, and you'd be correct. But anyway, YOU need to aspire for something to begin with before the universe does anything.

I like talking about the universe. Because it's so big, you have no idea what it's really like. You can make up what ever theory you want.. say what ever you like to say about it.
It's like an uncle from your mother's side. You know your mother.. how she turns out as an adult.. so you think you have a vague idea on how her brother would be like, but you don't really know him. There is a promise of endless possibilities.. somehow.

Boyfie called me a "princess" last night. I laughed so hard, it can't have been attractive. Okay, well.. he didn't exactly call me a princess, but he was trying to convince me that I am not a brat (my Facebook status was "Wanie Idris is a brat") by telling me that I am a princess instead. So I told him I'd rather be a brat. The idea of being a princess.. someone so.. preciousss. (Say that like Smeagol would.) Eww..? I don't feel anywhere near being precious.. plus I'm not too crazy about pastels (pink especially) either!

But he reckons that I am a princess as people give in to me because they'd wanted to; even when I didn't force them to.
mm.. maybe it's really the power of persuassion. I expect the youngest child in every family has a little more of that in them in comparison to anybody else. hehe. We're charming like that.
It's either that or I'm actually supernatural and is really a witch; I know hypnotism like the back of my hand. Or maybe a siren! Equally evil but more beautiful! HAHAHAHHA!

Okay, I'm rambling. I'm stopping now so I can have my shower.

Oh, hun.. I can't wait 'til next month. Listen to this! for you to listen to this. Listen.. NOW! (Okay, I'm looking forward to next month too! heehee.)

Blue October - Calling You

Hi, my name is Wanie.

I'm feeling a bit lousy today. I cannot explain it. I should probably just let my sadness go but I don't seem to be able to. Perhaps it's fear that is keeping this sadness at bay. Fear that I'll be in the same argument again in the future because both of us remains unchanged.

So in an attempt to understand myself better, I turn to my astrological sign. (ha!)
Apparently there is a book that had talked about understanding depression based on the person's sign. (Be kind, this book is more on psychology than astrology alone.)

Sagittarius becomes depressed because the individual more often than not has crashed into limits that he or she did not wish to believe were there. The discovery that one is not after all immortal and special and exempt can be quite crushing to Sagittarius. So too is the realisation that one cannot have everything one wants, and that the finished product on the earth plane will always fall short of the brilliant possibilities that were initially envisioned by the intuition. This depression is quite different, because it is not part of Sagittarius' world-view; it arises when the world-view is challenged too harshly by life itself.
Dynamics of the Unconcious by Liz Greene & Howard Sasportas

Also, apparently the person with Sagittarius rising (position of the constellation as the sun rises) is open to depression when life offers no challenge, and once in depression, they find it uncharacteristically difficult to climb out.

haha! See.. I like reading these stuff. It makes me feel slightly better knowing that I'm not just plain crazy. The fact that I was born under the Archer sign basically gave me no chance at being normal.
Although I'm starting to associate Sags with nutcases so in comparison between me and other Sags, I believe I'm pretty typical.

heh. I'm feeling slightly better now. It's amusing how embracing the fact that you have no hope of feeling normal can do to you. Although expect me to ramble about that again in the future. I've always needed constant distraction to stop me from worrying.

HAHHAHAHHAHAHHA!!!

hahahhahahhaa!!!
Oh God, I can cry.
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!

Blue October - Hate Me

Blue October is a rock band originally from Houston, Texas. The band was formed in 1995 and currently consists of Justin Furstenfeld (lead vocals,rythym guitar), Jeremy Furstenfeld (drums,percussion), Ryan Delahoussaye (violin/viola mandolin,piano backing vocals), C.B. Hudson (lead guitar,backing vocals) and Matt Noveskey (bass guitar,backing vocals).

ah, amusing..
I'm sorry, I'm not completely okay just yet so I shall spam my blog with songs and laugh for reasons you won't understand.

Why why why why whyyy

Why is it that everytime.. Every effing time I feel that I need not to worry about us, I always end up hitting myself in the head?
It's incredible how fitting this song is.

Avril Lavigne - Why

Pao shared an interesting observation with me the other day. We were discussing how we are gifted in attracting certain people. He claimed to attract psychos and I told him I attract jealous men. I suggested that we should start a support group, but he went on and said that I am not so special since apparently, "MOST MEN are jealous to begin with". Then he elaborated by saying, "the prettier and more outgoing the girl, the more jealous the guy"

If I'M outgoing.. I don't know how/what I'll be if I try to be less-outgoing! I'd probably be in a nunnery but that would definitely not work as I am Muslim; I'm not supposed to enter a church and we are encouraged to procreate! (In the right manner, of course.)
So I'M SCREWED! (or will be.. HAHAHAHHA!!)

I'm okay really. Tired, but okay. I didn't mean to spam my own blog but I needed to vent to noone in particular. I was half expecting to be completely emotional (the bug's been going around apparently) and end up crying and feeling frustrated, but I was adamant not to bow down to my emotions -- so I end up feeling a little confused and numb. Odd.

I'm going to bed now. Hopefully I'll wake up late. Way later than usual.
edited on 6:16 AM.

It's you and a bus.

I am.. sitting at a bus stop with a destination in mind. Yes, I do know where I want to be by the end of the journey. Who I want to be with. But here I am.. at this bus stop. I'm watching a few busses pass by but they aren't going to the same direction as I am headed to, so here I still sit.

I'm looking at my watch, restless, of course. My father always taught me to appreciate time -- others' at least; just because I have time to spare, doesn't mean that others have too.
So I don't want to be late. But the seconds tick by and still no bus.

So I wait.. and wait.. and wait..
Good God, where is that damn bus??
Have I missed it somehow? Hadn't anyone told the bus driver that it is excruciating to wait? How torturous it is?

Here I am. At the bus stop. I know where I'll be if I could just get onto that bus. I know how this journey began, and I know how it would end. It's the middle that I'm having trouble with.. I need to find a way to clear out the clouds.
Please don't let me be too late.

Jimmy Gnecco feat. Brian May - Someone To Die For

You make me drop things
like all the plans I had for a life without you
Note that this entry is obviously a metaphor; I've always got on the first bus that came by because there is only THE ONE bus that passes my neighbourhood. hahahaha! It'd be silly to wait around and even I'm not that ridiculous.

And also for notes; I am so in love, it's not even funny.

Help?

I had an interesting conversation with Hafiz yesterday.
Perhaps we're not the best persons to talk to for each other -- we let each other wallow in our own sadness and depression.
note: I know I've been using the word "depression" quite freely in my blog but I am not clinically diagnosed, hence making the word's association with me pretty subjective.

I was telling him how "happy people" have started to annoy me. Well, I'm not annoyed per se but it gets a little tiring when you can no longer explain to them why you just feel as shitty as you do. Hafiz agreed by saying how it was tiring to be reminded of how happy he used to be.. how people keep telling him now that "only you can make yourself happy.." -- as if he isn't trying.

This must be one of the most repeated quotes I've ever put up on my blog.. despite itself being completely true, I also found that it is seriously flawed;

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.

Plato

I honestly wouldn't mind too much if this quote isn't embedded to my brain!
I believe that sometimes, their (everyone I meet) troubles are waaaaayy tinier than mine and Plato had the NERVE of mocking my battle.. my feelings. How could he!

It's sad, really.. to feel like you're blowing your problems out of proportion. (booo.) Everybody should get their chance of being nothing but melodramatic once in a while; even when it's a girl who bawls her eyes out for a broken fingernail. The thing people keep missing in these things are the person's psyche.

Imagine this girl.. who is physically beautiful as beautiful goes. Everybody knows it, and so does she. She knows she isn't smart.. a sense of humour that is barely there.. amazingly untalented and plain. She wishes to be smarter, or gifted in some way but all she had was her looks; she depended on that one sole fact that makes her the least bit special.
Then she broke her fingernail. Sure sure, a fingernail is a fingernail. But she counted on her looks to be PERFECT. It was the only perfection that she was granted with but now she is flawed. Even more flawed than everybody else..

So Plato wasn't being fair when he said those words.. it isn't fair that everytime I think about my troubles, I'd imagine someone out there is laughing about it. It isn't fair to tell Hafiz to get over his heartbreak. It isn't fair to make fun of me not knowing what to do with my life. We're trying our best not to seem too pathetic for you, so we'd appreciate it if you'd just let us wallow in our sadness for a little bit more.
We'll get over ourselves when we can.

Alanis Morisette - That I Would Be Good

Grrr.

It's good that I got angry.
The fact that I can still get angry and upset are good signs actually. Sure, being angry and frustrated and sad is tiring but as one of my favourite quotes go;

Desire is half of life, indifference is half of death

Kahlil Gibran

Sorry though. I feel bad that I am as unreasonable as I am.
I have no excuse. blah. Sometimes I just get really upset and I'm hoping for a little distraction but it never came. So I shut down.

The current politics in the country has been interesting. Funny, really. I've never been really vocal with my opinions in politics but most of my friends (if not all) know where I stand. haha! It's just amusing. As amusing as the news lately; I honestly can't help myself from making a sarcastic remark or laugh out loud everytime one of those politicians came on the telly.

I was talking to my dad yesterday. He was talking about dreams.. the "plan" kind of dreams. Made me feel a little more lost if that's even possible.
bah. Hafiz, I failed. (I told him I was trying to write an entry without sounding depressed, and he wished me luck. hahaha!)

I live for music.

I was bored.. and needed to feel a good, fresh music coursing through my body.
In the absence of inspiration, I turn to Stephenie Meyer's playlist and decided to go with the Breaking Dawn playlist. I wasn't disappointed when I heard this;

Blue October (feat. Imogen Heap) - Congratulations

If I was a moth.. sad songs such as this is the bright light that I am fatally attracted to.

I was playing a bit like a middle-man earlier. As I was having a rundown of it with Eeva, she said that I'd made the situation sounded funny. Well, here's the thing.. I laugh when I'm stressed. Okay, obviously I wasn't so stressed if I can still find something to laugh about. If I was really stressed, I would just panic and freak out!.. but eventually I'll laugh.
I don't know.. sometimes I need to laugh. Find the irony in things. It's the only way I know how to cope.. or I don't cope at all.

I'm still in Shah Alam by the way. haha! It's hilarious. I keep saying that I'm leaving and leaving but I'm still right here. ughh! Story of my life. I'm always on my way to somewhere but I am stuck at one place instead. Pathetic, right? Anyway, don't feel sorry for me. It's not what I want. I was just making a statement. I'm too good-humoured to be depressed today. hehe.
(Okay, I said good-humoured.. though I sound a little sombre. But that's just naturally me. heehee.)

Oh, hunny.. starting from this post.. this will be YOUR colour when I'm saying things directly to you. heehee. (Well, I'm gonna change the colours on those old entries too actually.)
This used to be the colour for any direct messages (for anyone in particular), but from now on it's going to be green!

And as for me living for music.. well, that's not entirely true.
I live for some other things too.. (but music is quite at the top of the list.)
Have a good Wednesday, everybody!

heeheee.

ughh.. I know I said I won't stay up so late but I was looking for the "right" song to signify the day.
Took me HOURSSS!! Even with the "help" of Eeva, TJ and Julie. (They didn't help much. I'm incapable of feeling for the songs they suggested since I didn't came up with them myself.)
And I can't help it.. though this one would be a little too lovey dovey to mark 5 months but I really don't care. I really thought of you the first time I heard this song a few days ago.
Too much? No? I hope it isn't too much.

Jason Mraz feat. Colby Caillat - Lucky

hmm..
Your speech earlier was really adorable even though you were talking about how you got irked. hahahaha!
gah.. My brain works so mysteriously.. just deal with it. (Although I haven't exactly accepted it myself.)

I should be going back to Seremban later today.. for about another week or so.. I don't know. Feels like the fasting month is passing by so fast.
It's been a rough week (mentally) so I'm absolutely giddy that I'm relatively normal again. (As normal as I can be, anyway.)

I will head to bed.

I lost my watch again.
It's annoying. I'm starting to think if I am just not meant to have it or there's an underlying meaning to why I keep losing it.
blah. I can't think of anymore places to look for it!

You know, a thought just came to my mind.. since I've always considered about getting a psych consult someday, how DO people get those anyway?
Go to the psychiatric ward and say, "Hello, I think I'm depressed." ??
hahhaha!!
Seriously, I can actually imagine myself saying that with a smile just so the person I'm talking to won't feel uncomfortable. hahha!

Okay. Going to bed now.

Let me out of here

Radiohead - No Surprises

I'll feel better soon, I promise.

So help me God..

Boyfie once said to me that "you don't need religion to tell you what's wrong and right" (I'm paraphrasing.. I don't remember his words exactly but that was basically it.)
He probably doesn't, but I do.
Oh, the things I would do if there aren't rules...

I'm depressed again. And it's not because my mind was going crazy.
If a breaking point is possible.. that was probably it.
Never have I felt the need to not be ME as strongly as I do right now. If my attitude had sucked so much, dear.. then it is best that I not be myself, no? I'd never imagined myself having to fake around the people who are supposed to be my own flesh and blood.. That was a bit like a slap in the face.
Ah well.. I'm always wrong about these things, I shouldn't be so surprised anymore.

Can't a plane crash right on top of me? At least that way it wouldn't exactly be my fault when I die.. even though I'd asked for it.

I am so upset.. I can't find anymore words.. I'm so sick of crying all the time.

Paramore - Conspiracy

I don't know...

I don't know what it is that I want.
It frustrates me.
I know something is not enough but I don't know what it is.
I WANT to know what it is so I can demand for it..

I want to demand for it to be fulfilled and be completely heartbroken over it when I don't get it.
I want to be miserable for not getting what I wanted.. and not because I didn't know what I wanted in the first place.
I want to stop feeling so damn lost.

You know what..
Right now.. all I want is for a week free of depression. It's not too much to ask, is it?

snore..

Be honest with me..
Aren't you tired of reading me rant about one thing or another, day after day?? Don't I sound like a broken record??
I think I do!
God, I'm tired of myself.
So I'm not gonna rant about things you won't understand tonight. I'm letting things go.. (well, theoretically.. if I don't write about it I won't remember it in the future. I'm counting on that anyway.)

Been playing Solitaire.
Interesting for the fact that it derives from the word solitary;
–adjective
1. alone; without companions; unattended
2. characterized by the absence of companions
3. being the only one

Funny. I'm surrounded by family and still feel alone. Pathetic.
Oops! I'm not ranting. Honestly, I think I'm just cranky 'coz I didn't get enough sleep. 3 hours is hardly enough.. I deserve a kick in the shin.

Is it just me or this sounds.. sad?
I think the title means "moonlight".

Claude Debussy - Clair De Lune

Better mood.

since the previous entry at least. hehe.

Papa just called.
It was nice talking to him. Maybe because it'd felt like he misses me. heehee. I'm lucky really..
I barely deserve the family that I have.

Something wrong with my psyche maybe.. sometimes I am just SO detached from the people who are actually closest to me.
I don't miss them half as much.

And that's why I am perfect to live in a different country!! HAHAHHA! I rarely get homesick.
I'm bored by the way, can you tell?

Like a haystack.

I woke up to a bunch of thoughts this morning.
Yes, I said morning.
I opened my eyes at half past seven (despite falling asleep a little after two) because it is SO bright outside. I swear it was like summer in Rotterdam -- warm, bright and absolutely annoying.

Oh.. my...
I just found my.. err.. first doomed ex-bf on Facebook. hahahha!! OMG. It's funny knowing that he still exists. I mean, it's good knowing that he still is.. but funny. And how I knew it WAS him was by looking at his birthdate! HAHAHHA! After all these years, I still remember his birthday. (Ah well.. I remember people's zodiac sign really.. and that led me to remember the dates.)
Blasts from the past are so funny sometimes.

uhh.. anyway. Morning. Thoughts.
I was thinking of what am I going to do with the rest of my life..
and I can't think of anything.
Horrible, right?
I wish somebody could just tell me what I should do.. but I'm not exactly the kind of person who would listen to what people tell me to do. I'm too hard headed for my own good, so that wouldn't work.
So what would?
What would? What would? What would?
I can't believe I've spent the past two years wasting away..

I am not a particularly ambitious person. Nor am I very competitive. I will be fine with what ever that I do as long as I'm passionate about it.. if it makes me happy. Seeing my family and friends having a goal of a sort.. I envy them.
I envy how rational they are to do the job that they hate but realizes how necessary it is to do them anyway. hahahha!
Is it growing up -- to let go of your secret wish.. your one true dream and join the mass of grown ups whom had decided to "suck it up" and LIVE?
mmph.. maybe I am simply a spoilt brat and a coward.

Nina wondered why I think the way I think again last night.
I was wondering about near-death experiences and I had none what so ever. Both of my sisters may not have had an actual "near-death" experience but both of them have been in accidents before. Me -- never; which led me to think that probably by the time I get into an accident, it won't just be a near-death experience.
I don't know.. it frustrates me to think that my time could be up at any single moment and yet I am not exactly living life as I feel I should be.

ughh.. I hate that I feel so LOST sometimes.
Can't things just click? Perhaps a stranger pointing towards a direction that would WORK.
I'm so so tired.. I wonder if there is anything I could do to dull my thoughts.
Took me 6 hours to type these out. HAHAHA! Pathetic.

Dishwalla - Home

In case you're wondering. It was my hair that had looked like a haystack when I woke up this morning. It was the first thing that I thought of when I saw myself in the mirror. Of course after I thought of those exact words, I remembered that it was exactly what Edward said in the morning after the first time he "officially" stayed the night at Bella's place. (Obviously a bit of the book is embedded to my brain now.)

What do you think of me now?

Revealing one of my "darkest" secrets always leave me giggling.
For one, despite them being mine, I feel so detached to them. They always sound like somebody else's story. Perhaps because they remind me too much of a Spanish telenovela.
The ones that are so badly made that you can't quite explain the reason why you're still watching them. All you can do really is hide the fact from everyone else that you've actually been following the show ever since episode one.

It's weird.. apart from giggling, I also feel a tad like a freak.
hmm.. I reckon I should feel a lot more than that.

Now, I just feel like noting down that I have some theme songs for my friends. Well, they're not exactly theme songs if they're based on their own preference, are they?
It's just when I listen to Greenday, I'll think of Bahijah.. Blink 182 reminds me of Dar.. blablablaa.
Bahijah and Ana wrote on my Facebook wall yesterday.. I miss those two girls. sigh. We have to meet up!! I took the liberty of checking the dates to when we last saw each other.. July 25th for Bahijah, August first for Ana, May 4th for Dar and Ablen..
The original members ought to get together sometime.. hehhe.

ughh.. I should go to sleep!!
(been listening to Vertical Horizon.. every one of their song that I have on my external hd..)
Funny.. if my mind aren't occupied with a single worry.. I can honestly say that I am happy. I haven't felt that way in a while..

Vertical Horizon - All Of You

yeech.

I must apologize.
I haven't got anything cheerful to share with any single soul, it's pathetic. I mean, poor Boyfie 'coz he kept having to listen to me rant every night (even when I said I didn't want to talk about it! hahahha!!)
Sorry. But thank youuuuu!

It's annoying when all I want to do is brood and no one had felt like leaving me alone.
I think Dida wants Nina to tell me something more than what she'd told me last night, but she's waiting for me to cool down after my reaction.
I honestly can't lie about my feelings.
I can't even fake with my voice.. and my face is a dead giveaway. gah! I need to practice my poker face.
Oh God, I hope they'll just let it go. How is the truth helping me, I don't know.. but if Nina starts, I shall tell her to let it go. I don't think I can handle knowing the reasons to why I didn't get that darn job -- unless she's going to tell me that I just "sucked", 'coz that -- believe it or not, I can handle.

On a different note, Nina said that she read somewhere that a diet of carbs will make you wrinkle more. How unattractive.. fat AND wrinkly??
But then she said that's why it's good to be fat; so you'll stretch those wrinkles and they'll be gone! hahahha!!

Anyway, there's a big chance that I'm going back Shah Alam next weekend. My mind is trying to work out some plan for it. Should I call my friends and make some plans or should I just spend time at home in front of MY computer and talk to my online buddies instead? hahahha!! (I can't believe I'm actually weighing those choices.)
hmm.. how should I spend two days and two nights..

I'm so sleepy right now..
Being mentally and emotionally stressed does not do good to the body.

eh..

I was woken up in an odd way today.
I heard my phone's message alert (note: I can't stand long message alerts. Mine sounds just like a "ding") and when I opened my eyes, I saw that it was the third text message from my dad.

bah.. he's gossipping with me now.

So I walked out of the bedroom and saw Nina was on the phone -- with Dida, naturally.
Seriously.. the things that is going on at home these days reminds me a bit of one of those Spanish telenovelas.

Anyway, I'm really hungry today. My stomach keeps grumbling.. and my neck aches.. and my left thumb is a bit sore after I got it stuck in an unlikely situation. (Some people are just oddly talented, don't you agree?) Oh, and I am also sleepy.
End rant.

Owww.

Still hurts.
The truth about truth; it hurts -- when it's something you don't want to hear, of course.
Nina reminded me of something last night. A tiny little detail about my childhood that I'd forgotten. Apparently I was not the only person who ever thought that I was lucky. (hmm.. perhaps that's the reason to why I feel that I was just that -- lucky)
So anyway, if luck is what I should be thankful for for all the good things that had ever happened to me, I must be running out of it then. Maybe I've overused it and now I've burnt out my luck. (This is the part when I freak out.)

Ignorance is bliss.. but it pains when you're self-deceived.
Maybe there's a bigger plan that God has in store for me. (Isn't it just WEIRD that I believe in God, yet talk about luck all the time?? hahaha!) Maybe I NEED to believe that there is a bigger plan. I'm trying not to believe that I am simply not good enough for something that I'd poured my heart into.

I got the email today.. the email that basically had said;
you're going nowhere.. na-na-na-na-na!
(well, they used appropriate words but that's how I read it.)
So I've been staring at different walls since this afternoon.. trying to figure out my next move. I must say that I HATE feeling stumped. Not that I'm an actual planner, but I like to have a general idea of what I'm going to do.. what I want to do. But these days.. these days I've been completely lost!
mmph! I'm so not good at not getting what I want.

Anyway, other than that, my day has been pretty much uneventful.. until Dida called Nina at 8 and talked about the gossip at home. HAHAHAH! Nina put her phone on speaker and that was hilarious.
It's Dida's first time being an "only child" at home and I suppose she can't play that part very well.. considering she had to call us whenever she has some new juicy gossip. (About our parents believe it or not! haha!) I swear I thought Dida's kind are chained away during this time of the year. HAHAHAHA!
sigh. The things I cannot say on a blog..

Anyway, I wasn't sure what brought the subject up, but after Dida's call, Nina and I were just sitting in the living room, talking (with Jasmin lounging on the couch listening. He's very quiet, that one) and at one point we were talking about who should be the more loving one.
I said to Nina that I'd rather be the one (who loves my partner more than he loves me) and she actually said DON'T. She said that I should find somebody who loves me more than I do.
err..
Well.. that sounds fine, really. But I can't help from feeling so.. selfish. Wouldn't I be selfish if let the man love me more than I love him? hmm..

Then I said with a laugh that I'm clear then, since perhaps I've found him, and Nina looked at me quite seriously and said, "have you?"
errr..
I hate that. Nina does that sometimes; trying to decipher the real meanings behind the things that I said with a laugh, and I was always caught off-guard. My automatic response was of course, "eh.. I don't know.." (how can you tell anyway!)

The thing about my sisters.. Nina never pries anything out of me. I know that she's curious.. so damn curious that she'd ask other people about me. Even though I never actually have a real bonding with her.. (we're 6 years apart and she'd never been at home much. She went to boarding school.. then university) I think she understands me well enough to not ask me really personal questions. I think she knows what I truly care about and that I don't like talking about them. (haha!)
She did ask me something earlier.. but it'd felt like she'd deliberately look away from my face -- and for that I am SO grateful. I honestly didn't want her to see my facial expression on the subject.
She's very.. perceptive. Always knows what to say. She's the eldest sister that is worth to look up to.. to be adored, truly.

Now, Dida is nowhere like Nina (and that's not necessarily a bad thing) although she's really annoying, to be truth. What ever things I told her would be passed on to Nina, naturally. (They're only a year apart and went to the same boarding school.. and university.) What ever things our parents told her would be passed on to both me and Nina, of course.
Basically I am a secret-keeper.. while Dida never grasped the idea of a secret.. and Nina reveals them selectively (depending on circumstances.)
hmm.. Now why am I telling you this??

crap. I really should go to sleep now.
hmm.. perhaps I should have a wee bit breakfast first.

Smash Mouth - You Are My Number One

*grins like a dork*

Matchbook Romance - Monsters

Okay, there's something about this song that just appeals to me.. psychologically even. hahaha!
(yes, I actually do feel like a monster sometimes. I hardly deserve half of the things I have. I'm incredibly lucky despite all the constant complaining and whinging.)

I am the monster underneath your bed,
believe what you read..

I swear.. how can anyone fall for me still boggles my mind. sigh.
Anyway.. I LOVE that song. That guitar bit was nice too.

If only I'd gotten on that flight and made it to the debs.
Chapter 6, Rosie Dunne by Cecelia Ahern

I can't help it. I had to stop reading after that line. I know I said I'd be able to handle love stories.. but that.. sheesh. That is a HORRIBLE story. gah! It's almost 3 years since I first read it, can't believe it still bugs me. I'll read it to the end eventually, but I bet I'll be just as bothered about the ending.

I've been thinking about soulmates since the past week.
I don't know what brought it on.. Boyfie doesn't believe in stuff like that so it was definitely NOT him who brought it up. But reading about Alex and Rosie again.. I shudder to think about having something like they have.
I'm not so sure if I want a soulmate if THAT's how it'll be like.
But being Muslim, I think I'm supposed to believe that somewhere out there in the vast world, someone was made to be right for me.. (err..) or maybe I was made exactly right for him.

I think it'd be nice if you get some sort of a sign when you meet your soulmate. An ache to your rib (err.. there's an explanation to this but it'll probably end up long and winded if I try to elaborate) or maybe something like imprinting. ha! (That's a Twilight reference by the way.. has nothing to do with the term "imprint" in publishing.)
Then again, it's probably a bad idea really.. I don't know...
Ah well.. a million questions and possibilities pops up in mind when I think about "soulmates". It's simply too abstract. Perhaps I should keep my rambling exclusively to my Moleskine.

I should go to bed.

Hello headache..

Nothing serious.
(Although I doubt I would tell you if it is.)

Pretty boring day.
Been listening to songs. Played some mindless games. Yapping to Nina. Staring at the kiddies.. very uneventful, I tell ya'.

I'm not gonna write an angry entry again tonight despite that's what I said I was going to do to the Boyfie earlier. I'm negative enough without having a proof of it so.. anyway.
I'm just exhausted truthfully. Trying to control my temper while I'm excruciatingly annoyed wears me out. Trying to find humour in things (so I won't cry) also kinda aches.

This song is just so fitting;

Three Days Grace - Animal I Have Become

Oh hun, I think I'll let you win tonight. Perhaps you do love me more, but don't let it in over your head.. I'm just saying that for tonight.
Thank you.

Midnight Sun.

Pathetic.
I can't stop thinking about it!
hahahha! man, I really do hope Stephenie Meyer will finish writing that book.

I asked the Boyfie last night if he'd read it yet and he said no. I wasn't expecting to be a little disappointed by that answer but honestly, it's not that important. I told him that and he easily said, "you wouldn't bring it up if it's not important."

errr..

Well.. so.. I came up with a theory for why I'm obsessed with the book. I mean, I have told you the reason for it but it's sort of making more sense now.. somehow.

Despite me disliking school (except for the part where it did not concern studying) I actually like learning very much. And maybe because I'm still trying to figure out my own psyche.. I sort of extended my curiosity towards other people's psyche as well.
I want to understand. I crave it.

So me, being a girl, can't help but wonder how a guy would think. About everyday life.. about love especially. (I am a girl after all..)
And perhaps that is also the reason why I keep hovering over guys' blogs. hahaha! They are the most interesting when they talk about their girlfriends.
Girls talking about their boyfriends are so typical. *points at self*

But really.. it needs to be a love love. One that is so full of hope. Unrequited love are painful to read, doesn't matter which side it's told from. (I would know, of course.)

And so, that is my excuse for not being able to stop myself from reading Midnight Sun again and again. It's really not that important. Just because it is significant to me, I don't think anyone should label it as "important" really :P

I'm currently listening to SM's Midnight Sun Playlist. I must say that I love the songs on it. Monsters by Matchbox Romance could be my favourite! hehe. The songs are definitely fitting with the whole mood of Midnight Sun. (for the part SM had shared on her website that is. The whole beginning of Edward and Bella..)

Perhaps I should try that.. have an actual playlist to set the mood when I write. Actually I have a couple of exercises that I should try during my so-called writer's block. (haha!) ughh.. I shouldn't laugh.
I should take myself seriously. *coughs*

Oh well.. anyway.. I kept listening to this all afternoon yesterday;

Rascal Flatts - Bless The Broken Road

Though I always wondered to myself if I'd done the right things when I did them.. I can't make myself to want to change my past for fear of changing my present. It's really not too bad.. how things are right now. I still have things to be grateful for, and I am. Thankful. So, bless the broken road! haha!

Bloody freakin' hell..

May I just say.. that tonight's entry wasn't meant to be written in such a sour note. I was honestly fine.. I was mentally stable.. emotionally fine -- until the Boyfie called.

And it wasn't even anything that he said that'd ticked me off!
It was the bloody damn connection that had just.. frustrated me so.. SO much.
You know.. this distance thing.. it makes every second spent precious. Even if all we ever did was talk, I'm taking what ever I can get.
But the stupid connection had hindered us from talking normally. I kept having to ask him to repeat what he'd just said and he would.. but even if he did.. his voice kept breaking out and I would have to ask him to repeat the same thing all over again.
It's FRUSTRATING!!!!

It's sad..
It's upsetting.. honestly.
I have no other word for it but upsetting.
It upsets me to be so irked by something and having no particular person to blame for it.

Anyway, first Ramadhan was fine..
Mama, Papa and Dida came for a visit. Actually made me feel a bit terrible for the first few hours but after a while I relaxed a bit. Found something to laugh about with everyone, I should be thankful for that.
But pshh.. I'm in such a foul mood right now. I'll write a better entry once I get over my frustration.

No, this is not interesting.

I honestly need to find something new to read.
Since I got to Seremban, (okay.. one week) I've only brought myself to (re)read Breaking Dawn. (yes yes, I should grow tired of it by now) I suppose.. until a particular book isn't embedded to my memory I wouldn't mind so much reading it over and over again.
I might reread Twilight tomorrow.. or Pride and Prejudice, I don't know. I know that I'll steer away from The Alchemist for now. Love stories, I can handle.. personal legend -- I don't think so.

btw.. I've brought more books than "outside"-clothes when I came here. I'm such a geek.

Nina's entire family is sort of down with a cough and flu thing. I'm somehow immune to it, naturally. It'd usually take a super-virus to knock me down, and when it does.. I'll bring everyone else down with me. HA HA HA HA!
Well, it's not intentional.. it's just how things are. sigh.

shoot! It's 3am and I've only been rambling.
It's ridiculous how happy you can make me feel, hun.
Ridiculously amazing, considering you don't have to do much at all.

Oh, to all Muslims.. Happy Ramadhan!!
Despite being caught off guard this year, (I've been.. pretty self-absorbed lately that my mom had to text me the niat puasa for me to realize that Ramadhan starts TODAY) I actually like Ramadhan. I'm not crazy about the Eid, but Ramadhan has always made me feel.. calm. (Probably from the lack of satans' whispers! hahahha!!)