New Year.

You know, I always wonder if I actually love reading The Alchemist.
I think I have a love/hate relationship with that book.
To be honest, I used to HATE it. All that crap about "personal legend".. it made me feel so lonely.. and empty. Living life with no purpose.. Not knowing what's my next step going to be; whether it will be for the better or lead me into an even deeper shithole.. but either way, I needed to take that step.

And a step I took.
I had a dream and I took a step last year.
It brought me another wave of depression but it made me determined to give it another go in January. And the result, I now have a job. One that I couldn't possibly hate. One that has all the criteria that should make me stick to it as it involves travelling, meeting different people and not having to sit at the same ole' desk from nine to five every single day.

I feel slightly guilty that I am no longer with the person whom had moved me to take that very step. He was on my resolution this year. Which is probably why I am not really ready for the new year. Feels like I'm leaving behind one of the best parts of my life.
I never had anyone whom had moved me so.. to that very point where I actually picked myself up and DO something so my path would change.
Change it did.. and I did too..

Anyway.. it had felt as if I changed a lot this year.
Quarter-life crisis, I'd say. hahahha!
I didn't get my Louboutin's shoes when I turned 25.. ah well.. Not that it's easily available around KL anyway. So that's my excuse. haha!
I'm glad that at least there's some movement in my life at the moment.
As for a new year's resolution, I can honestly say that I haven't had a single thought about what's it going to be just yet.

Getting married, maybe? HAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAH!!
God.. maybe engaged first. Although I'm not even into that whole thing. I'd like it western-style, gimme a diamond ring and we're set! HAHAHHAHAHAHHAH!!
shit. I'll save this for 2011.

As for this year's resolution.. this year.. this year...
I'll update you when I have some.

Counting the days.

Just a couple more 'til 2010.
I dunno..
I don't think I'm ready for a new year just yet.




So I think I'll save my thoughts until I am ready :P

I don't want to care.

ughhh..
I have no idea why it is SO damn easy for my feelings to get hurt these days.
It's crazy.
How can anyone live this way??
I hate the person I've become.. and I don't even like myself much to begin with!
It feels like.. EVERYTHING matters. I take EVERYTHING personally. Which at the end of the day hurts me like hell.

What's the freakin' point?!
Stupid stupid stupid.
I'm acting like a complete fool again.

I HATE YOU, ME!!!

If I understand myself correctly.. the only way I can be calm is to NOT CARE.
But if I don't care at all, it'd be wrong.
So how can I give a little crap, than a whole lot of crap? Can somebody teach me? 'Coz I really don't know how.
It's not fun being an "extremist". Not knowing when to give things a rest because your heart and mind are too focused on that one sole thing.
It's tiring.. and pathetic. But most of all, it's driving me insane.
I never knew that I was this person.
I don't want to be needy but time and time again it seems like I'm nothing BUT needy.

ughhhhhh!!!

Anyway, I'm in Shah Alam trying to let my mind wander and be distracted.
I need distractions badly. So badly, I could beg for it.
But obviously, I'm failing at this moment.
Which SUCKS!

In LBU.

Woke up on the wrong side of the bed yesterday..
Naturally, I spent most of the time we had being cranky and now I'm feeling sorry 'coz he's in BKI for the next 3 days.
hmmph!

I really should be in control of my own freakin' mood..

Anyway, I should put away my laptop now.
Less than 15 minutes 'til check-out!

In SIN.

Layover.
In crew lounge.
Was hoping that I could go online from my room but the wi-fi is only available in public areas and if I use the cable, the rate is S$29 per day.
ughhh! No thanks!

Earlier I exchanged some money at the airport but I suppose you could say that it was for nothing.
No -- it's for wasting my effort really.
I REFUSE to spend 29 (times 2.4) for a couple hours of internet.. and I couldn't choose on anything I'd like to try from the room service. I dunno. Maybe I should close my eyes and point to the desserts at random.

Anyway, I'd hate to admit this but I am rather disappointed.
That's twice.
I guess when things aren't meant to be.. they really are NOT MEANT TO BE.
I suppose Encem had those weird dreams for nothing. hehe. Guess I'm not the only one who over-thinks sometimes.

Ah well.. I think I'll go back to my room and look over the menu again and see if I really can't decide on anything.
I should probably try to get some sleep too.
After all, I'm the only stewardess on flight so I need to look good for the passengers. HA HA HA HA HA!!
(pretend that I didn't laugh and that I really care about the way I look FOR the passengers.)

Started with a perfect kiss
Then we could feel the poison set in

I'm The Lucky One.

No complaints.. at this very moment. ♥
heehee.

Had the best time with my two favourite boys last night.
Had dinner at Tony Roma's.. Bestie treated me Baskin Robbin's ice-cream cake.. and the previous night DD handed me the ZARA jacket I saw, tried and LOVE about a week ago. ♥

Just about the things that I probably wouldn't get myself really..

Anyway, I'm currently at The Gardens with Nina and Dida.. they took the day off just to hang out.. just the three of us! HAHHAHAHHA.
I have awesome sisters.

In SBW.

Man, I should be sleeping.

No. I should be HOME! ughhh..
But I need the work. Flying is gooood.

Anyway, typically I will be in SBW every month. Only this time, it's more annoying than usual as the departure time kept being pushed back. We should've arrived in Sibu at 9 something but we actually arrived at 12:45 am!!
Bad weather and aircrafts being grounded, so I've heard.
Yesterday was just a bad day to have a flight, honestly. Too many flights were delayed. The crew lounge at the airport was packed and so many cabin crews walking around the terminal.

Felt a bit slow coming back to work after so long of a break.
I miss Encem.
Three days off after I come back from this flight and I've already made plans with my sisters.. yayy!

Nothing much to update.
Oh! My "birthday" blows.
And I received the email I sent myself 3 years ago, which was amusing and a tad upsetting at the same time. ughhh. I'm thinking of sending another email to the future-me but I'm afraid if I'll just end up upsetting myself some more.

Anyway, have a good Sunday everyone!
I really need to try and get some shut eye.

I wish that I wouldn't wish at all.

I am getting old, damnit!!
Sure, perhaps I look just as same.. but inside.. BIOLOGICALLY.. I'm OLDER!!!
shit.
This is so depressing.
This is why I shouldn't be excited about December. My birthday is coming up fast and it feels like I'd be depressed every single year!
This is so messed up.
I should be made to be wanting of nothing.

Santa, forget my list.
Just hand me the coals if you like because I expect nothing more.
No.. to be truth.. I expect NOTHING.
Really. I really reaaaally need to believe that.
Seems like every year I found a reason to cry on my birthday (it's a fact, I just read my archives) because even when I said that I expected nothing.. I LIED.
Which sucks. Big time.

I'll be 25..
And still waiting to grow up.
Somebody should really help me save myself from December.
'D' stands for DEPRESSED. ughhh!!

Pascal, in one of his gloomier pensées, gave it as his opinion that all our miseries stemmed from a single cause: our inability to remain quietly in a room.
Why, he asked, must a man with sufficient to live on feel drawn to divert himself on long sea voyages?
To dwell in another town? To go off in search of a peppercorn? Or go off to war and break skulls?
Later, on further reflection, having discovered the cause of our misfortunes, he wished to understand the reason for them, he found one very good reason: namely, the natural unhappiness of our weak mortal condition;
so unhappy that when we gave to it all our attention, nothing could console us.
One thing alone could alleviate our despair, and that was "distraction" (divertissement): yet this was the worst of our misfortunes, for in distraction we were prevented from thinking about ourselves and were gradually brought to ruin.
-- Chatwin.

TGIF

I got my much-needed dose of my sisters this afternoon (yesterday!) and I have no words to describe it except for love.. love.. love.. LOVE!!
I always remember how much I'd laugh when I'm with them and considering I've been extremely irritable lately (more than usual, I mean) I picked up my phone on Thursday and texted Nina and Dida asking them if they had any plans for lunch.
Lucky me, they didn't! heehee

Anyway, I'm in Shah Alam.. did my laundry and went out with an old friend..

I fussed about getting old to him and he talked ENDLESSLY about Star Wars! ughhhhhh!!!
Anyway, I had good food and an overall good time.. so no complains here.
Thanks everyone!

Have a great weekend!

My rage will kill me.

Hullo, from Starbucks, The Mall!

yeah, well.. I honestly prefer Coffee Bean myself but there's only Starbucks here and I wanted the internet. blablabla..

My mom fussed over the fact that I had two days off but I didn't come home to Shah Alam, so I decided to come to KL and see her. Passed Breaking Dawn to Nina as well. My 30 year-old sister is having a crush on Edward to the point where she would mention his name to my brother in-law.. it's incredible.
Even I didn't do that.
Oh, and she's on Team Edward apparently. sigh.
But at least she wasn't mad at Jacob like SOME PEOPLE I know! hahahhaha!

Anyway, my battery's dying soon. And I'm pretty bored sitting here sipping my caramel frap. I can't stop thinking about fish and chips for the past couple of days so I think I'm going to have that for dinner soon.
Have a good week, everyone!
Be safe.

RM25 an hour.

Let's just call today.. a day of excessive spending.

Bestie, Encem and I went to Low Yatt today, and though I hadn't decided on getting myself a laptop today.. I DID. ughhh!
Encem got himself Samsung's 23" screen and an HP printer..
ughhhh!
Seriously.
We're sort of bad together when it comes to spending.
Not that we spend a lot all the time.. but when we actually do spend.. it's a LOT!
Actually, come to think about it, I think he spends more than I do.
mm.. but.. he kinda spends for the "greater good", in a way.. things that the rest of the housemates can make use of.

While the things I spend on.. are usually for myself.
Alone.
hahhahahahhahha!
Anyway, I like my HP Mini. It's awesome on days like this -- when I'm actually in KCH and too lazy to walk to the crew lounge. Honestly, I've lost patience trying to move myself around looking for the wireless.. which explains the RM25 an hour. eeeep!
And I still owe Dida money.
hahhahahhaha!
Damnit Wanie! I really shouldn't be laughing. Which reminds me.. I should've brought along my school loan letter so I could pay some back. ughhh!!

Anyway, at least now I could strike off one of the things I've always wanted. yayy!

Dear Santa,

(Read: Mama, Dida, Encem, awesomely good friends)

I know I haven't been very good through the year, but I also know that I haven't been too naughty either. So please don't give me coals. Give me these instead please;

Laptop
Blackberry
Pretty clothes
Christian Louboutin shoes
Ipod

And my birthday is coming up, so pleaaase..?

Love,
Wanie

It's 12:20.

Since Bestie haven't mentioned it yet, he's officially moved into the building where I live now in Bukit Jalil. woohooo! Distractionsss! hahahhahaha
Unfortunately, I haven't got the chance to fuss around in his new room as I am still in Seremban.. praying that my full health will return to me soon.

I need to start planning my expenses real smartly. Especially since I wasn't flying much last month (which result in a huge dent to my account) and this month.. and also next month! Good God, life isn't about money.. so I hate it when I need to think about it.

Damn, I need a bit change around my life!
Okay.. well.. that's actually a translation for "I need more money so I could get a Blackberry!" or "When am I ever going to buy a laptop?!"
hahhahaha!
I hate that I keep thinking about things that I want (but don't need) but out of rationalization, I put it off again and again. hahahahha! Of course, out of rationalization.. I shouldn't be complaining since it's for the best, but damn! I'd like to splurge like a FEMALE sometimes!
HAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA! And I hate thinking about the same things again and again!

Okay okay. I think I've rant enough for the time being.
But I do need some change around my life.
I'm not sure how.. but I want it anyway.
Suppose I'll figure it out eventually..

In Seremban.

I think I'm feeling better..
But I'm pretty woozy at the moment, so what do I know?

I had MY FATHER called the clinic earlier to get me another mc for today but the person on the other line/doctor needed me to come in to be examined again for me to get it. Oh heck.
So I had spent the day nervously hoping that the D.O. (duty officer) wouldn't call me -- and thankfully they didn't!
I don't know what I would have done if they did. Use my charm (?) to get them to call someone else perhaps. If that didn't work then I would just have to go to work and pretend that I'm fine.
Not exactly hard, since that's what I'm paid for. Kinda..
hahahhaha!

So I'm still in Seremban.. and Encem's in Kuantan.. sigh.
Good thing I didn't get called up. I would be pretty upset if I come home to my empty room right now.
Off day tomorrow and a layover the day after, which means I can get home whenever I like to. HA - HA - HA - HA!!
God, I hope my dizziness would be gone by then.
Though I said that I'm paid to pretend that I'm fine.. I suppose the company pays me too much, cause I'm a bad pretender. hahahahhaha!

Oh, it seems like I've been thinking a bit about the future lately.
Of how I'd like it to be.
I blame the dizziness.
I refuse to think about the future in general. It would nudge me to hope, and eventually saddens me. (Pessimistic, of course.)
And while I was walking around the mall with my family, looking at home appliances.. I thought of him. haha! I love playing house with him, I can't deny that.

Anyway, I need to distract myself some..

Rindunyaaaaaaa!!!

Damn, I miss him.
I hate that he's flying right now.
Damn Bangalore!
I also hate that I'm sick and all I want right now is ATTENTION but I'm not getting it!
*cries*
Okay, I'm not actually crying, but I DO feel like crying.
sigh. I really.. REALLY hate the fact that I can't talk to him.
Really really hate.

Oh, I'm still pretty sick. My sisters reckon that I need to see the doctor again tomorrow and get another mc.
Noooooooooooooooooo!!!

My first mc..

ughh.. I hate that I'm sick during standby.
I'm not even sure if I needed the mc to begin with! But I had to get it anyway JUST IN CASE the duty officer calls me to work.
Damn it! My mc will be on my record!
That sucks the most..

Anyway, I'm sweating like a pig at the moment. I suppose that's good. I hope that I'll get better tomorrow or the duty officer doesn't call me as tomorrow will be my last day on standby.

Damn, I really hate being on standby!!

Anyway, my family are preparing to head to Seremban. Celebrating Aidiladha there.. or something.
But honestly, all I feel like doing right now is NOT sweat and sleep all day.. and not move an inch.. at all.

I miss my Bollywood-crew.

In Shah Alam.

But I really should get a shower so I could head back to Bukit Jalil, honestly.

Bestie asked me last night if my life truly depends on monkey-fish now. I must admit.. my satellite does revolve around his world.
But to say that I depend on him.. perhaps not. (Or maybe I'm just in denial?)

It's not like I MUST have him around to be happy.
I am naturally too easily distracted to depend on any one sole thing or person, really. Actually, sometimes I feel like I want him to feel like he could depend on me.
Also, in a way I'd like to believe that I am a dependable human being.
I know I wasn't made that way.. but I try.

But yes, I am one of those needy girls who clings to her boyfriend too much sometimes.
I guess in my heart and thoughts.. if you could BE together, why AREN'T you together? So I spend all the time I could spend with him, being with him. (But of course, then feeling hurt when he decided to be someplace else instead of being with me.)

If equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me.

W.H. Auden

Ah.. I curse Auden for cementing that quote onto my head.

It's never a fun thing to be the more loving one.
It's a recipe for major heartache, honestly.

But yeah.. back to the main point.
Do I NEED him?
I'd like to think NOT. hahahhahaha! I mean, if I do.. I would be okay with every little thing that he does, right? But I'm not really okay with EVERYTHING! (I'd like to think that it makes sense, anyway.)

Oh heck, think I should take my shower now.
Even if I don't really need my monkey-fish, I can still miss him!

In BKI.

And missing him.
Just saw next month's roster and I don't think I have anything much to complain about.. except maybe that I'm rostered for SBW -- AGAIN!!!
ughh.. seriously. Why do those rostering people keep sending me to SBW.

Anyway, I'm pooped.
I really should head to bed soon since I really.. really need it.
Today's flight wasn't so bad but the long hours.. sigh.

I'm happy that I'll be home by tomorrow evening.
I miss my bed.. and my room.. I miss my scented candles.. hahahha!

Nothing much to write today.
Nothing eventful happened, so really.. I have nothing to write.
So, 'til next time dear readers.. Have a good weekend!
I'm really looking forward to my two days off. heehee.

In KCH.

3 days trip..
Started off with paxing to Kuching.. which is basically a waste of time. But considering that we'll (myself and 4 other of my crew) be having a long day tomorrow.. it's understandable why the company didn't make us work today.

I'm already missing home.
The contents of home to be more precise.
Fortunately we bumped into each other in the terminal this morning. That soothed a bit of my mood. Plus, my crew seems easy to get along with. That'd help make the whole weekend bearable.
Although I did have trouble recognizing my superior just now as I was walking along the river. hahaha! I'm terrible.

I really should ask one of my crews how to say some things in Chinese for tomorrow's flight to Hong Kong. I really don't feel like flapping my arms around. heehee.

Nothing much to write.
Unfortunately I'm a bit single minded at the moment and I don't suppose it'd be interesting to read about.

Oh! I did spend a whole night with Bestie last night. That was fun. We decided to indulge ourselves; so we tried Italiannies for our first time.. had a smoke at Starbucks (as they were ready to close).. had a drink at Coffee Bean.. watched a movie at The Signature.. then lepak at a mamak in Subang that I end up being sent home at half past five IN THE MORNING! hahahhahahha!
Just enough time for me to pack up my things, take a shower and get ready for my pick up at seven.
Crazy.
Crazy fun!!
Thank you Bestie for distracting me from feeling sorry for myself. I really hate being in my dark room all by myself.
You're awesome, you know that?

Anyway, my set crew is in the next room watching Pandorum so I should join them though I'm not exactly a fan of thrillers.. ick!
Guess I'll catch up with you tomorrow from Kota Kinabalu! *wink!*

O yeah.. Happy Birthday, Ma!

Life in mono.

I wonder why do I keep running away. Why do I push you away?
Maybe I want you to leave me.. One good excuse for me to feel as lonely as I do.

I wish my head would just shut up right now. Or at least that my head and my heart are friends instead of being constant enemies.
My soul isn't having fun, and no amount of cheesecake can save me now.

The chain-smoker in me.

Oh yes, despite saying that I'm cutting down, I am finding myself smoking more and more.
Depending on how my day goes though.
And the past 2 days had been bad.

I honestly don't know why I bothered starting anyway.
Maybe it's a cowardly way of committing suicide. Not that I'm trying to off myself right here, right now. I don't think I'm ready for that -- yet (haha!) but I don't want to live too long either. (Especially not when my heart keeps aching for the stupidest reasons.)

Anyway, before I drag on about the things that I do not wish to drag about, let's yap on things that is in my mind at the mo.
Earlier, the ex-Boyfie (hahahahahha) asked me if I am now single -- assuming that he's been reading my tweet, which had really brought me laughing. Well, I'm not. But I wondered if I was..

I think I'd stay single.
Not that I'm unhappy being with the monkey-fish. Being with anybody isn't really hard for me. (Not since recently anyway.) It's when NOT being with them that drains me the most. And I didn't think that I was.. is this person. The girl who NEEDS to be with a boy.
That's crazy.
And yet couple-hood seems to have changed me.
My neediness upsets me. It's pathetic and ridiculously degrading. (Oh yes, I am hard on myself.)
Feels like ever since I got back on that saddle of couple-hood, my emotions had been on a rampage.

Anyway, you may not want to take my words verbatim. I am writing this out with an upset heart and getting very close to a caffeine crash. And I'm not really that upset anymore. Mostly numb I believe, since I've only had 5 hours of sleep since the past 48 hours.
But I have DEFINITELY been a little stressed lately and I have the proof of a pimple on my chin. I honestly can't remember the last time I had a pimple. ughhh.

Ah well.. I have this two days off and I should be able to catch up on my rest. Take a much needed breather.

By the way, thanks for saving me, Bestie!
"When you're single, you're depressed about not being with someone. When you're with someone, you're depressed about not being with someone else."
hahahahhha! I love us.

Okay. I'm crashing real soon so I should head to bed ASAP.

Same as I ever was.

At least I have pretty nails!

So the last I slept was 30 hours ago..
Of course that's if you don't count the minutes I dozed off in the plane.. or the minutes in my transport back from the airport.. or the little measly minutes while I was in the train to Nina's office.. or the tiny few minutes in Dida's car on the way back to Shah Alam.
Because honestly, they hardly feel like "rest" at all..

My sisters and I had been planning to go to get manicure/pedicure one day and because we wanted it to be a Friday, I suggested TODAY! -- honestly forgetting that I wasn't doing a split duty (where I go out on the last flight out, check into a hotel, then travel back on the first flight in) but a straight flight to and fro Hyderabad (4 hours flight time!) and to only touch down at 8am. Which means that I have to get myself ready as soon as I reach home so I could get to KL by 12.

Which I did.
So now I'm perfectly disoriented.. with my brain somewhere floating in the universe.. because really, I'm too old for staying up too long.
Ah well.. at least I have pretty nails!
And I've done my laundry!
So I could get back to Bukit Jalil, forget to hang my clothes to dry and plop in my bed until tomorrow afternoon -- which will be an OFF DAY! heehee

If money grew on trees..

I would have bought that darned boots!
And more books!
Buy more presents..
But I would definitely buy that pair of ankle boots I saw in M&S. gah!
It's only been.. what, 3 days, since I got my paycheck and I've already spent one thousand ringgit! That's right, kids. One freakin' thousand ringgit!
Of course I did use a portion of that money for sensible things like for rent and to give my parents.. but that is only a small portion of one thousand!
It's terrible, really.
I should never be allowed to have any money at all.

Also, I should be banned from going into bookstores.
But I'm happy to have bought Dan Brown's The Lost Symbol (though I said that I'd wait for the paperback to come out.. but I've never been very good with being patient either.) and Stephenie Meyer's Eclipse, finally. The collection is complete! woohoo!

But man.. if only I don't have to think about the future and could spend my money however way I'd like to spend it.
Those boots is a definitely definitely must buy -- though I have no idea when am I actually going to wear it, but I don't care! I LOVE boots!!
And I haven't bought two of Cecelia Ahern's latest books.
Oh! And Mitch Albom has a new book out as well! Dammit!
I can't stop talking about books now.. or stop thinking about boots.
Perhaps I am just as crazy about shoes as every other women on this planet. Because I still need a pair of wedges. HA HA HA HA HA!

I really have no idea how am I going to live 'til the next paycheck. I'd love to have a bit of savings but it seems pretty impossible at the moment. It's sad. I need to pay my school loan, and the money I owe Dida.. estimate how much I am allowed to spend per day..
I'm sleepy.
And I should stop talking about those boots. Maybe I'll yap to monkey-fish once he comes home from work. hohoho! (And hope that he'll tell me to just buy 'em! HAHAHHAHA!)

A wedding, a flower and a karok session!

I really need more sleep.
I went to bed at 6 this morning and Arep called at twelve. We went to Idris' house and waited for him for almost two hours before we actually headed out to Alia and Johanz' wedding.


The wedding went fine.. I think. We got there when most of the people have gone back.. so.. I kinda liked that! (I'm never a big fan of the crowd in weddings.)
Anyway, congrats you two!
Funny how my friends are married and I am nowhere close to being ready for it.

I chatted with some of my old school mates at the wedding (which was a good thing..) -- then some of us decided to go for karaoke!! hahahahha! Nuts. And the say that they do it all the time! hahahahha!

Thank you Incik Arep for bringing me out today. And thank you for singing with me. It was a fun day. (Though what Idris said after that song ended was even funnier!)

Now I'm not looking forward so much to going back to Bukit Jalil. One, because of the work tomorrow, and second, which is actually the main reason.. I hate returning to my dark, lifeless room.
My batteries are low and I need him to recharge me.
Damn distractions. gah!

I never liked numbers..

One day off and I'm in Shah Alam so I could attend Alia and Johanz' wedding.
He got two days off and he went back to his hometown.
mmph.
Don't think I'll see him 'til Sunday night.
Anyway, I'm trying not to care about not being able to see him -- though I hate it. I hate it with PASSION!
But I don't care.

First day back to work was nice enough. I had a good set crew and a pretty cool leading. Miri was just as quiet as I last visited it. meh.
Tiring though.. from lack of sleep. I can never seem to get enough sleep whenever I'm away from home.

Dida said something really interesting earlier. I was saying how we're not very good at communicating. She then said that communicating wasn't the real problem, but it's our egos..
heh. If Dida admits to being egoistical.. I don't know what I am.
hahahahha!

Oh! I got a call from some passenger yesterday morning. He claimed to have been my passenger on my flight from KUL to MYY the previous night. He actually called the HOTEL to get connected to me.
I swear I don't know why these people keep finding me.
I honestly don't mind talking to my passengers. As a matter of fact, it's one of the reasons why I joined the airlines anyway; so I could meet and talk to more people.
But to have somebody whom I have no memory of, call the hotel where I was staying to be connected to me, asking me what's my favourite colour and what I friggin' wear when I sleep is TOO MUCH!
And he claimed to be thirty something and engaged.

Honestly! Where are the reasonable, non-creepy, twenty something strangers gone to?? Can't THEY call me instead??!
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!

Okay. I really need to get some sleep if I want to look half-charming tomorrow afternoon -- but When Harry Met Sally will be on Star Movies in about an hour!! eeep!

I miss you my kera anak ikan patin!

Crap, I miss my monkey-fish!

This is what I get for not sleeping at all through the night.
Too much time in my hands filled with.. not having him around like always.
Yea yeah.. I'm needy. It sucks.
Especially when I go into my crazy mode and push him away instead of holding onto him. ah.. stupid self-preservation. I don't think it'll ever make sense.

Most times I'm not even mad. I simply become.. cold and frigid in the hopes that the fall won't hurt me as bad.
Am I making sense here or I'm just making it even more complicated?
I keep trying to explain myself but I don't think it's getting any clearer.

Now I'm wondering if I should even talk about him in here. Suppose he's always been really private about himself. Kinda. He talks a lot, honestly. But he also listens a lot.. which I love. And the crazy things he does like getting on one knee in the middle of a mall just to see me freak out. And he talks a lot.. I swear, sometimes it is as if he won't shut up. heehee. But on the rare occasions that he quiets down.. I love how we'd just look at each other.
There really is something about seeing my own reflection in his eyes.
But he's nuts. Really. To the point that I get tempted to throw a shoe at him so he'd stop acting like a loon. (Oh, I never told him that.)
And sometimes he irritates me so bad when he goes missing. Like when we went shopping and I look away and he's gone.. only 8 minutes later I see him emerge from the dressing room. That really pissed me off. (I never told him that either.)
Basically it's okay if I go missing (it's his fault anyway for saying that he likes to look for me) but I never gave him the okay to go missing! rawrr! I HATE looking for things!

sigh.
I really hate this part. The part where it dawns on me how attached I've become to someone. It sucks. Really really sucks when despite him talking a lot about a lot of things.. I honestly don't know if I've affected him as much.. or even half.. a little..?

hmmph.
I should get some sleep before I start getting psychotic.

Dear Mr. Hasse,

thank you for letting me use your laptop in this mamak place.
Though I don't really have anything to update the world at the moment.
But having your Dell laptop in this noisy Restoran Al Barkath makes me feel.. oh so grateful to be friends with you.
I would say Mimi is lucky to have you.
But then again I am lucky that you and Mimi found each other.

HAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA!

Perhaps I'm unreasonable.

But I don't think you love me for my reasoning.

ughh. I need to learn not to get so frustrated.
This is tiring.

I can be such a psycho sometimes.
That is tiring.

Call me and I won't pick up.

I'm not mad, but sad.

If you don't want me.. I won't give you the chance to leave me.
I won't be there to listen to what ever you're going to tell me.
I'm a runner.
I run.

It's self preservation.
I won't know how to pick myself up when I fall. Not immediately anyway.
So pardon me for building the wall around me.

I'm not mad, but sad.
And I'm trying so hard not to let that pull me down.
So believe that I'm mad, not sad.

The thing about being in love with the sun.

..You feel bad for being the dark cloud that looms around in the sky.
The one who holds back the sun's brilliance.
The sun isn't responsible for the dark. And it isn't his fault that the cloud was simply made to be the way that she is.

Perhaps the wind should just blow her away to some other land and let the sun shine.

Danger.

Wish I could stop thinking of things that would worry myself sometimes.

I had one of my psychotic moods last night and sat in the living room, trying to write in my Moleskine. DD had to come over and completely distract me from writing (darkly, I might add) and changed my mood altogether.

But I suppose he saw what I was writing because he asked;
"Are we happy?"
hmm.. hard to answer since it's never been easy to associate the word "happy" with "Wanie" -- even though they rhymed. Sort of.

Yepp. I believe years and years of self-doubt and self-inflicting pain (of the mental kind) has turned me into a psycho-lady who can't even tell whether she's happy or not.
I really feel sorry for the men who stuck by me.. constantly trying to please me when I keep taking and taking and not giving anything back.
I am a psycho-COW.

But thank you.. gentlemen.
You have always been that.. gentle, towards me. And I can't and wouldn't stop thanking you for that. You have guts. Your patience is astounding.
I am of no worth and yet you persisted. So, thank you.

Anyway, I smoked in front of Mama for the first time today. I felt dirty for that but at the same time I had to laugh. Instead of nagging at me to quit smoking, her advice was; "Don't inhale the smoke so deep.. it's bad for your health."
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!!
God, it's times like that when I am SO grateful that I'm related to the people I am related to!

Okay, I should go off and chill. Tomorrow morning begins my 5-days working madness, which starts off with a 4-sector flight, Bangalore flight on Monday and the EVIL Labuan 5-sector-up nightstop on Wednesday.
'Til next time then..

Happy Eid-ul Fitr!

I am not my sisters.

Which is bad for the people around me really.

My old man keeps forgetting this little fact though. It's sad. I am not as needy or clingy.. I didn't need him to wait for me during my interviews.. I didn't need him to go into the doctor's room with me and I sure as hell didn't need him to come pick me up 'cause I can find my way home just fine.

He thinks HE'S egoistical.
Well, he obviously doesn't know me well enough.
hahahhahahahahha!!
Well, I don't like to think of myself as egoistical though.. Call me proud. hahahha!

So anyway, I'm in Shah Alam. But I don't think I'll be here much too often after this. It's way too much hassle to get here and if I needed to do my laundry, I believe it would be cheaper to just send it to a laundry-store.
Weird, I know.. but it took me 2 hours and RM 18 for me to get from Bukit Jalil to Shah Alam! eeps! I should use my money smarter, is all I'm saying..

Split duty in Kuantan tomorrow.. I've heard so many good things about the hotel.. I'm looking forward to this one. (Not too excited about another flight to BKI on Sunday though.)

Oh, DD.. If you're reading this.. I miss you!

Going home.

My wake up call will be in an hour and half. hahahhaha! (Wake up call at 5pm.. tickles me everytime.)
I need to be in the lobby 10 minutes before five. My flight is at 7:15.. Scheduled time of arrival is 9:40pm. I should arrive home around 11pm -- if I get a transport back immediately, which I hope I would.
I wanna go home, I wanna go hoooome!!

And then, two days off!
Thank you, God!

Nothing much to write. I should get a nap or something. hahahha! (Like I actually would.)

Jauh.

hmm.. yeah.. I never liked distance for too long of time.

I upset myself on the flight back from Hong Kong today. I was cheering to my crews how we're going home.. until I remembered that we weren't actually going home, just to our hotel rooms. bleh.
Ah well.. two more days of this and I'll be home with two days off. Though I'll only see DD for a few hours as he'll start his trip the day after I get back, but I'll take it!

I ran out of things to do here. I even did a bit of laundry in the sink. (The sink is big, I'm telling you -- I LOVE IT!) I miss the comforts of my messy room.
Of course I love that everytime I came back to my hotel room, the bed will be made and the clothes that I tossed on the bed will be magically folded nicely.. but I really miss the apartment. (And my housemates!)
But even if I'm there right now Mimi and Murni won't be there as they are on their trips.

gah! I'm still talking about work here, aren't I?

Nothing much to talk about "life" honestly.
I like the fact that I'm making my own money instead of depending on my charm to get something that I want. I don't feel so worthless and sneaky, in a way.
But I'm having a hard time saving up.. though that's always been a problem of mine.

I do feel like my brain is failing me for lack of things to think about.. and write about. I don't like that. But at least my psychotic bursts have gone lesser now. (Right?)
I like to think that I'm in a good place now.

In BKI again.

I really like Kota Kinabalu.
I love the fact that I keep bumping into people that I know. (Who then introduces me to the people that they know.)
And I'm absolutely in love with the fact that the hotel is close by to EVERYTHING! The jetty (should I wish to hop on a boat to the islands -- which I don't really since I've been to the islands in April,) a mall/complex, a good eating place, 7-Eleven, Burger King and also KFC. hahahha!

I feel.. free, here. I feel comfortable, even, to walk around by myself, as I did earlier.. like this is MY place.
But I believe that I won't love here so much by the end of my trip; for lack of new things to do. hahahha!
I NEED TO MEET MORE PEOPLE!!
Ah well, Mimi's flying here tomorrow so I suppose I'll be hanging out with her tomorrow night.

I know I'm starting to sound really boring..
All I ever talk about these days is work.. or related to work.. or people that I work with.. blah.
So I'm stopping now and hopefully I'll find something interesting to share tomorrow.

Take care, everyone!
Have a good night.

Rhetoric.

Am I not worth the fight?

oh sigh.
I need to write a long letter. Probably when I'm on my 5-days work/trip in Sabah. (Basically for the 5 days I'll be based in KK and fly around.. sleep in a hotel instead of coming back home.)

Been moody these past few days.
DD's been making me crazy.. but not in the good kind. Being moody just doesn't help, honestly. Certain moments I feel like I'm going further and further away to a point where it seems like I might end up alone and bitter when I'm old.
ughh. I really should get a start on that letter.

Focusing on the good now;
the other day I came home to a quest from DD who'd left a note for me to find a red box in my room. (It wasn't hard.) I found the box, and in it was a RED Moleskine! woohoo!! I've always wanted a red Moleskine! ♥
But now I'm having a hard time to actually start writing in it. hahahha!

Nothing much to tell really. I'm finally feeling the tiredness from working. The work itself isn't so tiring, but the fact that I worked for 3 days then one day off then work for another day and today is another day off and tomorrow I'll be working, and there'll be one day off and then 3 days of work.
ughh! nuts.
I need more than just one day off.
I'm getting tired and it's leading me to become moody and distant from my own boyfriend.

APAKAH?!
This isn't the life I intended to live.
This isn't how I wanted to feel.
So.. I NEED MY REST!!

Insatiable.

eh. One day off and then Bangkok and Sibu nightstop.
Not really looking forward to those. Especially now when I'm really sleepy and tomorrow's pick up is at 6am.
(But I enjoy my job, honestly.)

DD's away on a nightstop.. so I'm here in Shah Alam with my family.
Not before I got harassed and groped while on the train, unfortunately.

I was from Midvalley to Central and this.. pervert (which was short that I thought he was a BOY!) pressed his member on my bum. Well, the train was packed and I took not much notice about it (except that his penis was small.. I mean, really.. while he was pressing himself against me, THAT was what I was thinking) and decided to ignore it.
But when the train arrived at Central, and as I walked out, he reached out his hand and grabbed my left BREAST. Okayy! Serious harassment here and I was so shocked that my only response was several elbowing on his chest.. but seriously.. I walked out of the train shaking. Not with shock, not with fear.. but with RAGE.
I shall have nightmares about this -- of how I should've dragged the collar of his neck outside the train and smash his face to the wall and kick his pathetic penis. I should've maimed him. Damn my slow brain.

Damn that bloody pervert. Short.. and short. HAHAHAHHAH!
See.. I told you I laugh at inappropriate things. hahahhaha!
And people tell me to be careful with my passengers once I start working. hahahahhaha!

Anyway, the lesson for the day is that I need to learn to not get shocked so I can smash people's face and private parts when the time calls for it.
hahhahaha!

Have a good weekend, everyone!

Hello!

Have a good Ramadhan to those who celebrates it!

I shall try to not skip any days despite of having to work.
Key word here; TRY.
hehe.


Take care, boys and girls!

ps: My roster for next month is mental!! You shall find me curled up in a ball, crying myself to sleep at the end of September for having to work 5 days straight.

Okay.

So let me tell you about Monday.
I woke up early to send DD off downstairs, then when I went back up Mimi was already awake so we hung out.. had a few smokes.. yap about work and guessing if we'd get called-up during our standby. Then Botak came out of his room and hung out with us..
Then Mimi went to her room to get ready so she could go back to her parents', Botak went back into his room to finish a novel.. I decided to write a rather psychotic letter.. and basically that's how I spent the morning that day.
Until about 3 when I decided that I should take a nap.

While I was sleeping, I dreamt that I was in the terminal.. looking for my aircraft to Penang. Knowing that I have work to do.
I got tired of looking around and thinking Penang.. Penang.. Penang.. so I woke up, the time was 5:30 pm.. decided that I should take a shower since DD should be on the way home. Done with shower in 20 minutes.. put my lazy-clothes on.. combed my hair.. fussed over the clothes that was in a mess on the floor..
And my phone rang.

Caller ID: Duty Exec NB.
ha!
The dude tells me that I have a layover in Penang.
See.. I'm telling you.. my dreams have impeccable instincts. (What does that tell you? When I need to be asleep to be RIGHT. hahahaha!)

I actually love split duties. The load isn't very full.. I get to sleep in a BED.. steal hotel's stationery and laundry bags. (I have no crazy over toiletries..) I guess since I'm still new, I haven't been to any same hotels so everything is still exciting! (Even though they are all starting to look just the same.)

In other news, I've been getting random followers on Twitter. I don't mind them so much.. until they ask me silly questions. Like this one guy who asked me where in Shah Alam do I live in.. then when I answered, he asked me where that is.
Really.. if you don't really know Shah Alam.. or ANY place for that matter, it's kinda lame to be asking for specifics.
(The right way to respond is to say or ask, "is it near... yada yada?" Even if you get it wrong, it would make you seem like you know a bit of the place instead of just asking some question, trying to make some lame conversation -- which I HATE.)

hmm.. I've been hoping to see next month's roster but turns out it isn't published yet. ughh.
And six more days 'til pay day. Double ughhh!
Going to BKI on Friday and will be spending the first Ramadhan on the plane. I hope I'll be able to fast this whole Ramadhan without being tempted too badly. hahahha!

Anyway, I should go get my shower now. Going out with my dad to pick up the kiddies and meeting up the rest of the family at Tony Roma's!
yayy! Good fooood!!
I need it.

Oh! Jakarta was fine btw. I had a good Leading which had made me pretty calm during the whole trip/flight. Nothing much to tell though.

2 off days.

Home in Shah Alam after one whole week away.
I missed the internet.. Needed to do the mountain of laundry.. Missed talking to my sister and hanging out with my dad. (Just saw my mom on Friday.)

I'm really pooped after my split duty in Penang. 3 days on stand-by and I got called-up on the last day. Then when I was there I couldn't fall asleep so yeah.. I'm so pooped that I was told that I snored while I napped earlier.
So not cute.

Nothing much to tell.
I think I'm just too tired to even think of what to write.. so I'll get back to this when I get my brain back.

SD in SIN

Hotel room is fine.
And there's a crew lounge here.. so waheyy!
IN - TER - NET!!
hahahhaha! And here being Singapore.. the connection is NOTHING like the lounge in Miri! hahhahaha!

Nothing much to do, honestly. Nothing's good on telly. I missed the Charity Shield but thank you Encem for letting me know the results.
So here I am.. wishing that there were something else that I could surf around (but there isn't anything that I want to look up!) other than Facebook and.. well, typing this out.

I had a horrible flight the other day.
Like really.. horrible.
One where I almost cried.
I don't really want to talk about it since I've been bragging how "once you get off the aircraft, you'll forget about everything!"
So if I actually write about the whole incident, it'll defeat the whole "forget about everything" thing.
So I'm trying to forget about it. (yes, this one requires some effort to forget.)
I just need to note here that sometimes.. Just sometimes.. it sucks to work with people who don't know you.

Oh! Now I remember that I drew water for the bathtub.
Guess I have something to do after all..
Wish I had something wise to share with you, but I have none. I'm supposed to "wake up" in about 2 hours. bleh.
I'm looking forward to going back home in the morning. Then I get the rest of the day to relax, and the next day off! whee!

And then.. JA-KAR-TA!
Hope it'll be a good trip.
'Til next time, boys and girls.. take care!

He calls me Bunny.

And he brought me Honey.
And it's just funny.
Since all these rhymes with Wanie!

heehee.
I'm in a giddy mood tonight.
As I've mentioned in the last entry, I have FIVE freakin' off days on the first week of August. So I'm back in Shah Alam. Spending my last day and a half of those 5 days. Then I'll be working for 3 days straight (one of it is a split duty -- which is hardly "work", honestly) then an off day and followed by a night stop in Jakarta.
God, I ADORE my job!!!
(Mostly because I haven't got anything to bitch about, really. hahahha!)

Nothing much to tell. I should head to bed and get some more rest while I can get it. So.. goodnight, world!

Oh! 18 days and counting.. hahahaha!

Busy busy bee.

Or so I'd like to think.
I have 5 days OFF on the first week of August, honestly.
As you can witness here, I am blogging, which should tell you that I am home in Shah Alam. hahahha!
Wasn't planning on going home actually but I've been having a cough and a fever that seems to go on and off to its liking. So, surprisingly, I volunteered myself to the clinic despite the fact that I HATE going to the clinic.
I know.. I've changed. hahahahha!
Anyway, just to let you know.. my medical book has lost its virginity, my friends.

The doc gave me a cough medicine that I should take once during the night. I'm assuming that the med would make me sleepy. I got the same prescription for the flu med so.. I'm wondering if I should take them at all tonight considering my pick up is at 5am tomorrow and yes, I didn't ask for a medical leave. (The doc actually offered me and I said "no". hahahha!!)

Honestly, what I need right now is a good long rest and an off day that is no more than one day 'cause anything past that would make me super-rusty at my work. Really, I noticed the other day that once I come home, I really forget about all the shit that happened (I'm just that gifted, I tell you) on board so I am bound to make the same mistakes all over again! hahahahhaha!
It's horrible, I know.
I blame all the times I've bumped my head on the wall.. cupboard.. car top..

Life is good basically.
Only a minor 'situation' where it's only the 4th and I'm dead broke. Alif and I have started counting down the days 'til pay day (21 days!) and really, it's making me miserable. I still have 3 night stops coming up and I have no idea how am I going to pay for my food. Crazy.
I really should take my budgeting seriously next time. hahahha! Like when I say that I've set aside RM100 for every week, I shouldn't have hung out in Coffee Bean, Tony Roma's AND Chilli's in the same week!! WAHAHHAHAH!!

Okay. I'm finally done with my lunch (took me more than an hour!) so I should take the meds for my fever and have a lie down.
'Til next time, take care everyone!

No excuses.

I wish everyone would just stop making excuses for me already.
They should all just smack me for what I've done.
Not comfort me and make me feel better for doing something bad!
Crazy.. crazy people. And I thought I was crazy, but turns out everyone else is even crazier than I am! Which is driving me MAD!
I should feel lousy and lonely and hated..

Ah well.. at least Boyfie Syl has finally treated me the way I'd preferred him to.. being all snappy and testy (or at least that's the way he sounded to me) instead of being all pleasant and completely convinced that he's not angry with me.
Somehow I find myself wishing that we live closer now so he could slam the door in my face.

hahahahhaha!
Oh, perhaps I should remind you that I'm the kind of person who finds humour in death.

Anyway, I feel lousy now as I deserve. yayy!!
Time for a smoke now.

Am I ready?

Hardly.

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA!!
This time, I must honestly say that I am laughing to keep myself from crying. I've never felt so.. horrible in my life. I suppose I can't keep being selfish. I must choose my words wisely from now on.

I have no idea how things turned out the way it did.
We had communication.
We had love.
I guess it came down to distance.. and the fact that I am not strong enough to hold on to "us". It's not a good feeling to be the weak link.
To be the cheater.
And what's worse.. I wasn't surprised that I did what I did. What sort of a person am I???

A horrible one, of course.
Suppose I should just let Awif's words sink in.. if things are meant to be, it's meant to be. So I'll just go with the flow from now on.
If I should spend my old days alone, then it'd be my karma and I shall accept it.
I don't think I deserve to be with anyone anyway.

So! Other than my mental health being at stake here, I must say that everything else is going great! I am nowhere close to being good at my job yet but at least I am enjoying the people I am working with!
Plus the fact that we don't take our jobs home. Once we get off the aircraft, we'll leave everything behind, have a good long sleep and be excited to serve people again on the next flight!

Oh, dude.. perhaps I am too cynical to be working in this line but you wouldn't know that if you're not reading this blog. heh.
I am not bored of this job yet and that is the main reason why I joined in the first place. Not much life going on though.. all I do on my days off is sleep, sleep and more sleep.

And flying is giving me my allergies back. My leg is UGLY from the rashes! But please don't try to spot it when you see me in my uniform. Look at my heavily made-up face instead; I at least spend forty minutes getting my face ready. Or look at my butt instead! Just.. not the legs.

Guess I am no longer fasting from blogging.
Though I don't have all that much to say, to be honest... too busy having secret conversations with myself. heh

I should stick to Moleskine.

I don't think I will have any pleasantries to write about for the time being.

So I'm fasting from blogging.

To quote Katie Herzig;

When an ocean
sits right between us
There is no sign
we'll ever cross
You should know now
that I feel lost

I hurt too
I hurt too

I should be thankful.

I have a family that supports me, friends who makes me laugh, all the love a girl needs.. and more, a job that doesn't bore me..

But why do I feel like I'm wasting away? Why am I still a glass half-empty? Why am I still seeking for what ever it is that I'm seeking?
I am driving myself mad. I shall fall apart, as I truly deserve it.

Hi, I'm Wanie and I am a mess.

I need to write again.

As in with pen and paper.
I really miss writing in my Moleskine, but I never seem to have the time. Or even if I do, I tend to get sleepy 5 minutes after I start.
Horrible.

Anyway, not that I have a lot of things to say lately. But I find that I need to have a run through of my own mind without having it cooped up in my head. Feels like I'm getting tangled in them the more I leave it unwritten.

You know how it feels like.. to have a stable best friend for such a long time and suddenly losing it? So now you're left with no one to talk to about your stupid, silly problems.
I am feeling a bit like that right now.
I have friends who knows exactly what I am getting myself into at the moment, but nothing they will ever say could help me clear up my thoughts. But of course, I can't really tell them every detail of what I think and feel 'cause I'm also afraid of what they will say to me.
hahhahaha!

So yeah, don't ask me what's going on 'cause you know I won't tell. hehe.
I'm not in any big trouble or anything, I can assure you. I am just.. severely confused. But then again.. when have I never? heehee!

It's 5pm and I haven't written a single note for tomorrow's flight as I'd wanted to! ughh! This is ridiculous. I need to take my words seriously next time.

I slept and dreamt of cheese.

I feel like a fat kid now.
I mean, who the heck dreams about food?!
Well, I didn't just dream of food. I felt weird being left alone to sleep for too long. hahahha! (Usually my alarm would go off or someone would talk to me -- even when they know that I'm asleep, or do something to wake me.)

Feels like a long weekend. But to say that I'm looking forward to the new week would be a lie.
I do miss Bukit Jalil though. Weird. I definitely wasn't expecting it. Ah well, you learn something new everyday.

I should write some notes before my flight on Monday. I'd like to be prepared for once! hahaha!
'Til next time then.. (maybe later, maybe in a few weeks..) Take care, everyone!

So,

..a new chapter begins.
I feel different now.

More sleepy, more lazy, more tired, a little more enlightened and a lot less innocent.
HAHAHAHHAHA!

Last week I was a cabin crew trainee in Sarawak, having my first night stop flight.

Today, I am officially a cabin crew! Graduated last Thursday with 19 others of my ohana.

I'm a little excited for my first solo flight this Monday.. but mostly nervous! duuude! I need to acquire a faster pace while I'm on the job.
But I'm in a good place now.. sort of. heehee. (Forget that I am digging myself a hole and that I have only a few bucks left in my purse to last me another 14 days, I AM in a good place!)

I don't really feel like typing so much right now.. so,
Congratulations 09/09!! I had a great time with you guys this past 65 days; Adi, Awif, Murni, Mimi, Didi, Luqy, Sally, Nat, Yen Chew, Crissy, A-Moon, Lisa, Fabian, May, Bryan, Ain, Syabil, Ema and Felicia!

And I am SO going to miss you this two months, bestie-gedik!!
I shall go mental when I can't vent to you..

Hello, from Bukit Jalil.

Some would think that being a cabin crew leads you to a glamorous life. All I've done since I came home last night was sleep, doodle, sleep some more, read, do the laundry and basically laze, laze, laze.. Which part of that is glamorous, I have no idea..

Tomorrow's Sunday and I'll be 'working'. The thing about this job; you basically work with people and when it comes to people, there is always something new to learn. So I hope I'll learn a lot.

Call me "Crazy bitch".

I am unreasonable.
I am selfish.
I have anger issues.
I am short tempered.
I curse a lot.
I don't bounce back as fast as everyone else does.
I'm a late bloomer.
I am dependent.
I am annoying.
I am too serious sometimes.
I am egoistical.
I am emotional.
I am a girl.
I am tactless.
I write too much.
I'm indecisive.
I run away from my problems.
I get scared easily.
I like being alone.
I am depressive.
I am weak.
I hurt easily.
I'm unforgiving.
I am cold.
I think too much.
I like things going my way.
I'm a spoiled brat.
I am vindictive.
I'm neurotic.
I don't like myself.

Even he knows to text me.

All the trainers were right. Basically, what everyone had told me was right. Working in the line that I'll be working in.. the temptation is great.
Of course, when you speak to me of temptation.. I don't really need to be in this line to be "tempted".. I am always tempted to try out new things. Temptation is EVERYWHERE and they seem to call out to me personally sometimes.

I would say that I'm glad that I am too egoistical to bow down to them.
Like seriously, I refuse to be seen as weak to be tempted.
Sometimes I even make calls to temptation so I could say to them, "hah! suckaaa!"
hahahahha!
I'm speaking in riddles, aren't I?
Well, I am trying to occupy myself from worrying or being pissed at Boyfie for being M.I.A.

I can't seem to decide if I'm more worried or pissed.
Who are we kidding here, of course I'm PISSED!!
I am pretty much pissed all the time!
I have anger issues and it can be so obvious sometimes.

ughhh!!
You know what, I'll call him one more time and if he doesn't answer then I'll just let it be. He can call me if he want but I am just too annoyed to care. ughh!

----

See, I forgot to tell you about what happened today.
I went out to see Ana and Bahijah earlier and it was really nice, catching up with them. I haven't seen them since I started my training! Nothing much had changed, I suppose.. just that it had felt weird walking with them now.. I was reminded how it had felt like to be a giantess! hahahha!


But while I was waiting for them at Coffee Bean, some old guy came over to my table and asked if he could join me.. WTH?!

[ The old-man attractor strikes again!! ]

I was sitting.. minding my own business and this fella just came and wanted to sit with me! I said that I was waiting for my friends, then he said that he thought I was alone.. wtf? If I was sitting by myself and making no eye contact what so ever, I OBVIOUSLY want to be left alone! Then he stood there, asking where I'm from.. I answered and politely asked back the same question. He said that he's from Lebanon.. then asked if I know where it is T_T (Which I kinda do. I don't know EXACTLY where it is, but I know how the flag looks like! haha)
AND then, he asked me again if he could sit with me. I said NOOO, YOU FRIGGIN' OLD DUDE! LEAVE ME ALONE! (Okay, maybe not those exact words.. but that's what I'd thought of saying!)
Oh.. he also asked me if I have a boyfriend! WTH! Even if I don't, I'm not gonna let you sit with me you friggin' old dude!! uggghhh!!

Why do I keep attracting old men, honestly?
Why God, whyyyy??
Send me some tall, handsome men instead please! Then I'll let him/them sit with me for as long as he/they like!

What a week.

I do think that I am falling apart.
Too much information since the last 3 months, possibly.
Too much studying and finally.. next week, I'll be operating on an aircraft. (Four flights, to be exact.)

My batch were taught on the service procedures for the past week and GOD! There are too many things to remember and I kept feeling oh-so-sleepy!! So yeah, I'm falling apart 'cause I don't want to be one of those people who only knows things on paper but knows nothing of the practical -- but that's exactly how I feel right now.
*shivers*

I'll need to study real hard this weekend, honestly.
I wish not to be mad at by the seniors.

Moving on, I'll be in Bukit Jalil once I go on-line. (That's the word that they use once you officially operate 'solo', aparently.) So I should start packing or at least figure out what I'm taking with me tomorrow. (I'm moving myself tomorrow.. or at least that's the plan.)

I think I'm nervous. But also excited! (Typical.)
I wish it's already the next month so I could get my pay. hahahahha!

I'm not good at goodbyes.

Where's the 'good' in goodbyes anyway?

Funny how there are only days left to my training. Funny.. but mostly scary.
Time really flies this week and I have no idea where have all the days gone. (Obviously I was too engrossed by my own depressive thoughts to actually count the days.)

But really.. where have all those days gone??
My last day of class is basically this coming Monday and I'll begin my supernumerary thing (SNY) where I am expected to do things on the flight.
eeeep!!

Good thing I'll be moving in with Mimi and Murni.. with Sallina, Crystal and Yen Chew just six floors up from our apartment. And Nat's moving into the block next door. Like seriously.. I am very glad that I have these people close by.
I'm already missing my train-sessions with Awif. I miss our air-cover band while we have nothing else better to do! hahahha! We decided today that we are each other's best friends. HAHAHAHHA!

ughh! Next week is going to be scary.
And I was doing the slideshow earlier.. can't believe that this entire experience is ending.

I am one huge, giant mess.

Here's one thing about me, (for those who didn't know)..
I laugh to keep myself from crying.
But then there are days when I can no longer find things to laugh about. Days when I realize that my smiles aren't even 'smiles'. Days when I say that I'm fine but all I want to do really is shout at the top of my lungs that I am not.

I've been really moody these days, I know. I can't seem to stop the streak somehow.
And I feel bad that my batch mates had to see me like this. I am like a spoilt brat and I hate it.

You know how they say that a woman's hormones go berserk when they are pregnant?
I am SO not looking forward to that. If I feel like trash when I am not pregnant, what are the chances that I won't feel lower than dirt when I am?

Sorry you had to read my depressive rants for the past week. I'M sorry to be feeling this way.

Mentally exhausted.

Not the complete truth, honestly.
I'm just exhausted. Period.

I'm tired I'm tired I'm tired..
and I am not blaming my work on it. Suppose it's my fault for not getting enough rest and relax when I actually have the time to.

The observation thing went fine. My boss for the day was really nice and so was the crew. I didn't do much though.. I woke up with a flu so really, all I could do was TRY to observe as much as I can. (Which wasn't much at all.)
ughhh.
Let's just say that I haven't been taking a good care of myself.

I'm pathetic. Thank you.
And all I wanna do right now is cry. Weep. Shout and scream.
'Cause I'm tired, and pathetically in need of attention from the one person who can't give me exactly what I need which is one stupid hug.

hahahahahhaha!
I am crying over a hug that I can't get.
God, how can anyone be this unstable.
This is unbearable. This feeling is unbearable.
I have the flu, my head aches, my body aches and my heart aches.

So yeah, I'm tired. Completely exhausted.
I try. All I can do now is try to hold on. I really don't think going mental right now is healthy.
mm.. yeah.. I don't think I should talk about work and then going mental in the same entry again next time. So I'll just have to try harder..

This is honestly not the best time to fall apart.. not that there is ever a good time.

Two pieces of the same puzzle.

I've been feeling blue this past couple of days.

And I'm not sure if Boyfie can fix me this time. I've come to a point where I'd get upset if he ignores me.. and just as emotional when he tells me sweet things.
ughh!! I can't help but wish that someday I will be a half-full glass instead of being half-empty.

The end.

You have the permission..

to bruise my heart,
and mend it again.

I really wish that I still have the time to write letters.
I hate how words fail me when I speak..

hmm.. the slide-show I'm working on is coming along fine. University did me good after all. haha!
I've been quite tense this week and I don't know why exactly. Just agitated all around. I could make jokes one minute, and pick a fight in another. I've also been eating a lot. Well, not a LOT per se, but more than the last few weeks.
I'd like to blame it on this weekend's in-flight observation and a little more on separation anxiety.
But maybe I'm just tired of not being able to write as much as I need to.
I wasn't lying when I wrote in my profile that my head would've exploded if I wasn't writing. Honestly, I don't think anyone can handle my head. (Even I'm having trouble handling it!)

Can you sense that my head is in a mess at the moment?
ughh! I'd like to not be this girl right now.

Psycho mode off...

I suppose this would sound bitchy, but in a way, I am glad that my training is coming to an end. I honestly love my friends to bits -- but not everyone is my friend, if you get what I mean. hehe.
I'm also glad that I'll be moving in with some of my favourite people, so I suppose I won't miss them THAT much. hahaha! And the rest of those favourite people are living two storeys up from where we (are going to) live and another one lives in about two minutes drive from our apartment.
Perfect!

We did our slide and wet drill today. It was pretty cool, but majorly tiring. I hate the stupid life vest. My neck hurts now so I better position myself when I sleep later. Plus, my leg had a cramp as I went on the life raft. ughh!
Oh oh.. and my shoulder aches from operating the plane's (mock) doors and window hatches.
gah! I am so SO not fit.
Okie. Enough complaining.

The week isn't going to be so relaxing after all.
We were assessed on our emergency commands and I must say that it felt good to shout about. We're having a lot of physical things going on this week (didn't expect that it would be that much..) and I need to work on some things for our graduation come July.
AND! I need to start writing my important notes in my little notebook that Boyfie bought me. hehe.

So many things to do.. so little time!

The stranger in your bed.

Interesting weekend.
It was calming and tiring at the same time.
Either way, I needed it.
Psycho mode is still on though.
I must say that I still have trouble voicing out some of my thoughts. I suppose most of the time I am just scared of the response I'll get. I do believe that some things are better left unsaid. I'm already neurotic as it is; why add more fuel to the flame, right?

I'm missing Boyfie already.
Feels like a chunk of my heart is lost.
It's annoying how he had made me need him. grr..

My dear dear Boyfie..
Get a haircut!


Looking forward to a relaxing week ahead.

I have you inside of me.

I love Singapore. hehe.
I suppose I should say that I love the person who is in Singapore. Despite the country being known for having a hectic lifestyle (really? hahahha!) but I always feel calm when I'm here.
I love my Boyfie and the calming effects he brings me. ♥
sigh. I have no idea what I'd do without him.. what I'd BE without knowing him.

Okay, I'm in a mushy mode.

Safety exams went alright. It pains me whenever I remember Dida's words to me some time ago. She said that I have the tendency to screw up more the more I try to be perfect.

So I tried getting full marks for my exams.. but I kept making one friggin' mistake on the papers! It's heartbreaking, really. Makes me want to quit trying the next time. (I really should kiss the best student award goodbye. hahahhaha!)
I guess I should be thankful anyway. I didn't exactly study my manual.. and I earned my marks fair and square. Try imagine if I actually READ!! hahahhahaha!!

I'm starting to feel a bit blue that Saturday is ending. I'm making my way back to reality tomorrow and I haven't had enough of Boyfie. I'm pretty glad that there won't be anything stressful going on next week though. No exams (I think) but our in-flight observation thing during the weekend. eep!
I'm excited, but also nervous. What if I only know how to score my papers but I don't really know my way around the plane? ugghh!

I should focus on writing my safety notes next week.
Except that I'm basically not really keen for next week to even start.
hmm.. I really don't know how to take things as they come, apparently.

'Til next time!
I should spend my precious seconds with my guy.

How pathetic can one be?

I am holding my hands up.
Eyes closed.
Standing on a ledge.
Just one step away from falling into the big black hole.

It must be tiring to have to try and save me time and time again. And I still wonder why you still do.

I'm a slow motion accident.

I was reading some old advice column earlier and there was this woman who poured about how incomplete she feels sometimes. How nothing is ever enough. Despite having people telling her how pretty she was and how successful she was, she still feels empty which had resulted to her hurting herself.
Then the one giving the advice answered her with something that goes along the line; you should seek professional help..

I just had to laugh. Poor lady, there she was pouring her heart out and the response she got was a referral.
mm.. No more comment. I'm not in a very stable mood to have a sound comment anyway.

My training should end in less than 5 weeks. Is it logical to fear the end when the ending only means a new beginning? I thrive at new beginnings but I'm starting to get the shivers. Sallina was telling me how we are too attached to each other, which is exactly the fact. We're stuck to each other from 8:30 'til 5:30 every weekday but even then we still don't get sick of each other that we had to have drinks 'til 8+ and even meet up during the weekends!
mmph.. I have no idea how's it going to be when the time comes where I won't be spending my days with those clowns anymore.

Perhaps I should be focusing on the safety exams I'm taking in the coming week, but I can't seem to wrap my mind around it. All I need right now is a great big hug. I honestly had not expected that I'd care as much about my batch mates. hahaha! Typical, of course.

I miss being a slacker.

That's not exactly what I miss actually.
I miss writing.
In my blog.
In my Moleskine.
Letters.. cards..
bah!

Anyway, Cherating was fun. Had loads of laugh, lots of tan and still managed to score for the paper on Monday! hahahha!


But I haven't been in a great mood since the week started. Horrible really. I need to get more sleep.. and get out from the computer room which I'm stuck in every single day! ughh!!
It's depressing.

My life's depressing..
No amount of distractions could help me now.

Could've, would've, should've..

It hasn't been a very good week..

Moody moody.
Carefree people should never be kept indoors. Or forced to sit in front of a computer. Or being told that a friend of theirs must leave the classroom and sit in the office because they couldn't score 90% on their paper.
This week sucks.
It's like the week woke up on the wrong side of the bed, Monday morning.

I might have to do the speech during our graduation on behalf of the class. Or at least that's what Sallina and Alif told me.
I'm waiting on inspiration now.. (for the speech AND the blog entry I kept talking about. hahahha!)

I should head to bed.
Get my mind wrapped up in Boyfie's voice and... later wake up to watch the final Champions League match and try to read bits of my manual. hehehe.

The bit where I smell like somebody else.

Okay, it's late.. I know.. but I think I should take a quick shower. I don't like the thought of going to bed while I smell like someone else. So.. so.. SO.. not me. Even if I stink, I'd rather it to be MY stink, and not someone else's perfume or cologne.. it's starting to drive me crazy! (Not in a very good way.)

I did pretty good in my exam earlier. Could've done better though. (Oh dude, I have a very high expectation of myself.. only reason why I get so easily depressed most times.)
I'm hoping that my friends who'd have to re-sit the paper this Wednesday would score really well. (Oh yes, we have re-sits too! Who says being a steward/stewardess is easy? YOU WISH!) [I really should start writing my entry for the company's blog..]

I need to update my profile picture soon. I've switched back to an older pic than of me in my uniform though. I've been getting some unknown "friend" requests and it's bugging me. And I have some guy (with no profile pic and ONE friend) who sent me a message just to ask me to tell him more about my career. WTH?! Like I would respond. I don't take our tagline THAT seriously.
I do not want oddballs and stalkers as friends, thank you very much.

So, note to people who'd like to add me on Facebook (if there are any!), please say something and not just add me and expect me to treat Facebook like anyone would treat MySpace. [Because then I'd think of you as an oddball or a stalker, as mentioned above.] Seriously. (But honestly, I generally do not add anyone that I have no friends in common with. That's basically my thumb rule. hehe)

Okay. Need my shower.
Then I have less than 5 hours to sleep before the craziness starts again.

Stupid fever..

I hate getting sick.
Not just because I FEEL sick, but mostly because it depresses me.
I hate how sickness makes me think of death.
I hate how everytime I cough, I'd think that my lungs is deteriorating. Or that when I feel that my head is so warm, I'd imagine that my brain is bubbling up and that I'll get seizures from it.

And I am all by myself and no one will hold me down or keep myself from biting my own tongue..
ughh..
See.. sickness depresses me, I was not kidding.

I'm honestly tired..
I hate that I get upset by the smallest things. I hate how lonely I get sometimes. And that only bothers me most when I am unwell. wth!
I think I should stop now. Feels like I'm writing too much somehow.

My poor abandoned blog..

Perhaps I could say that this week has been the busiest week I've had so far since I started my training. I mean, just look.. Not a single update during the whole weekday! (and I didn't shoot a single photograph!)

I had two exams in Wednesday, my re-test on my "announcement-making" skills on Thursday.. a bunch of dance practices.. and LOADS of mood swings along the way.
I did alright in both of the exams.. scored well enough, but I expected more. hahaha! It's just annoying when I had a good thing going on and then comes FOH (Fundamentals of Hospitality) to ruin my good streak. gah!
But I'm happy to say here that I got rated for my announcement test! weeehoo! (Basically I now have the license to talk on the PA system on board.. hehhe!)

There will be another exam on Monday.. (woohoo! *sarcastically*) and then my batch will start our safety programme. SEVENTEEN DAYS worth of safety programme. And they say that it'll be the hardest subject of all the subjects we've gone through so far.

Feels like all I do these days is talk about my training. I think I'm getting bored. Looking forward to next weekend when I should have something more exciting to talk about. hehe.

I've been meaning to start my entry for the company's blog, but I can't seem to fake enthusiasm right now. (Not that I wish to fake it, but since I am clearly not enthusiastic about it at the moment.. I can't even fake it!)
I'm coughing so much so suddenly. blah!

A happy Wanie..

(read: A hyper Wanie..)

is a well fed Wanie.


heehee.

Such a difference between last night and today.
Loads of thanks to Dida. We went to the mall earlier and got some good food, and good buys. I am HAPPY to announce that I can now wear skirts to work without getting blisters on my feet! (I used to have to borrow my mom's heels but now I have my own pair! yayyy!)

I still haven't done my assignment (or washed the gunk off my face!) so I should stop writing this blog and start working on my work. Feeling so lazy though. I'm not really fond of "typing" notes.

Aghhhhhh!!

Fuck feelings.
Seems like all I do these past few days is cry.
hahahahha! Bloody female hormones.

I don't know what to say.
How can one be in love and heartbroken at the same time?
How can I be so grateful for the things I've been blessed with and yet feel guilty about them at the same time?
How can one already have so much and still wanting more?

mmphh. Somebody hit me on the head so I'll stop thinking.
Incredible how it took only 2 minutes to completely change how I feel.
Fickle fickle fickle..

Hello, Photoshop!

Finally I get to upload a picture where I am actually HAPPY to upload. heh.
Thank you for the installer Alif! Although I'm not exactly sure how to crack it. hahhahaha! Agak bongok di situ. Reti pakai je. hehhe.


These are some of the people that I hang out with, day in and day out while I'm at the academy. Honestly, I feel lucky to be able to click easily with these guys.
God has been kind to me.. in so many ways..

hmm.. Now I don't know what to say after that. Everything's a big ole jumble of mess in my head so I'll just shut up for now.

Bloodyf*..

Part One

TGIF.

Aku dah laa tak sehat nye, ade lak orang tua bebel bebel time balek umah. Dasar saiko. Malas nak layan. Tak sabo nak tinggal kat luar. Tak balek umah baru tau. Padan muka rindu, orang takmo layan daaah. la la la la la..

So again.. TGIF.
I won't have to "need" his services during the weekend. (Oh, it's so obvious of whom I'm referring to in the previous paragraph.)

Selamba saja sedangkan my cousins baca this blog! WAHAHHAHAHHA!!

Oh, I am so spiteful, you have no idea. (I could've written a nastier remark but I waited about an hour from the time I got nagged to the time I started writing which gives me the time to leave out the seriously dark, cruel, dan kurang ajar intentions.)
Now let's move on to something more cheerful.

Part 2

I scored 94% on my Aviation exam! woohooo!
Sure, I wanted full marks but I'm extremely relieved that I passed. Average score so far.. A!
Perhaps I was meant to be where I am right now.. heehee.

The graduation committee didn't have that much of awful things to say about our performance. YAY! So what we really need right now is to sharpen up our current steps and we'll be rocking along the stage. Go - go - oh-nine - oh-nine! *singing to the tune of Power Rangers' theme*

I think I'm having this flu/fever thing from studying too much -- which is incredible since I've never experienced this before during my years at school. (Oh, now I'm making confessions of how little I studied in school.)

Oh ohh, we were briefed on how to blog FOR the company earlier this week -- which is AWESOME! I will so try sending in an entry. (When I don't feel too sick or when I actually have the spare time to jumble up some words for another blog other than mine!) I mean, duuude! Here's one way where I can yap about the people in the company (and maybe some bits about the company too) without having to worry about what constitutes as a "misconduct"!! hahahha.

But for now, I'll just settle for a long rest in the weekend and get as much TLC that I can through the phone from Boyfie.
sigh.
Happy Annimonthsary hunny..

Happy hour!!

HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHHA!

Not a bad Monday.
My hair was uncooperative like all Mondays, nothing new there.
Class was excruciatingly dull, but Adi and I found a new way to kill time. HAHAHAHHAHA!!!
Friends were awesome. *waves at Hairul, Murni, Alif, Lydia, Luqman, Mimi, Bryan and Adi* (in case they ever stopped by)
I'm liking the Malay dance since I don't feel too much like a stick that moves.
Not looking forward to spending the day in the computer room tomorrow (brainwash session!!) but I should be thankful that it's not another long day of drab lecture. So hey-ho! Let's GO!
woot wooot!

*swishes whip*

footnote: Missing Boyfie.. like I always do. Nothing new there.