Danger.

Wish I could stop thinking of things that would worry myself sometimes.

I had one of my psychotic moods last night and sat in the living room, trying to write in my Moleskine. DD had to come over and completely distract me from writing (darkly, I might add) and changed my mood altogether.

But I suppose he saw what I was writing because he asked;
"Are we happy?"
hmm.. hard to answer since it's never been easy to associate the word "happy" with "Wanie" -- even though they rhymed. Sort of.

Yepp. I believe years and years of self-doubt and self-inflicting pain (of the mental kind) has turned me into a psycho-lady who can't even tell whether she's happy or not.
I really feel sorry for the men who stuck by me.. constantly trying to please me when I keep taking and taking and not giving anything back.
I am a psycho-COW.

But thank you.. gentlemen.
You have always been that.. gentle, towards me. And I can't and wouldn't stop thanking you for that. You have guts. Your patience is astounding.
I am of no worth and yet you persisted. So, thank you.

Anyway, I smoked in front of Mama for the first time today. I felt dirty for that but at the same time I had to laugh. Instead of nagging at me to quit smoking, her advice was; "Don't inhale the smoke so deep.. it's bad for your health."
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!!
God, it's times like that when I am SO grateful that I'm related to the people I am related to!

Okay, I should go off and chill. Tomorrow morning begins my 5-days working madness, which starts off with a 4-sector flight, Bangalore flight on Monday and the EVIL Labuan 5-sector-up nightstop on Wednesday.
'Til next time then..

Happy Eid-ul Fitr!

I am not my sisters.

Which is bad for the people around me really.

My old man keeps forgetting this little fact though. It's sad. I am not as needy or clingy.. I didn't need him to wait for me during my interviews.. I didn't need him to go into the doctor's room with me and I sure as hell didn't need him to come pick me up 'cause I can find my way home just fine.

He thinks HE'S egoistical.
Well, he obviously doesn't know me well enough.
hahahhahahahahha!!
Well, I don't like to think of myself as egoistical though.. Call me proud. hahahha!

So anyway, I'm in Shah Alam. But I don't think I'll be here much too often after this. It's way too much hassle to get here and if I needed to do my laundry, I believe it would be cheaper to just send it to a laundry-store.
Weird, I know.. but it took me 2 hours and RM 18 for me to get from Bukit Jalil to Shah Alam! eeps! I should use my money smarter, is all I'm saying..

Split duty in Kuantan tomorrow.. I've heard so many good things about the hotel.. I'm looking forward to this one. (Not too excited about another flight to BKI on Sunday though.)

Oh, DD.. If you're reading this.. I miss you!

Going home.

My wake up call will be in an hour and half. hahahhaha! (Wake up call at 5pm.. tickles me everytime.)
I need to be in the lobby 10 minutes before five. My flight is at 7:15.. Scheduled time of arrival is 9:40pm. I should arrive home around 11pm -- if I get a transport back immediately, which I hope I would.
I wanna go home, I wanna go hoooome!!

And then, two days off!
Thank you, God!

Nothing much to write. I should get a nap or something. hahahha! (Like I actually would.)

Jauh.

hmm.. yeah.. I never liked distance for too long of time.

I upset myself on the flight back from Hong Kong today. I was cheering to my crews how we're going home.. until I remembered that we weren't actually going home, just to our hotel rooms. bleh.
Ah well.. two more days of this and I'll be home with two days off. Though I'll only see DD for a few hours as he'll start his trip the day after I get back, but I'll take it!

I ran out of things to do here. I even did a bit of laundry in the sink. (The sink is big, I'm telling you -- I LOVE IT!) I miss the comforts of my messy room.
Of course I love that everytime I came back to my hotel room, the bed will be made and the clothes that I tossed on the bed will be magically folded nicely.. but I really miss the apartment. (And my housemates!)
But even if I'm there right now Mimi and Murni won't be there as they are on their trips.

gah! I'm still talking about work here, aren't I?

Nothing much to talk about "life" honestly.
I like the fact that I'm making my own money instead of depending on my charm to get something that I want. I don't feel so worthless and sneaky, in a way.
But I'm having a hard time saving up.. though that's always been a problem of mine.

I do feel like my brain is failing me for lack of things to think about.. and write about. I don't like that. But at least my psychotic bursts have gone lesser now. (Right?)
I like to think that I'm in a good place now.

In BKI again.

I really like Kota Kinabalu.
I love the fact that I keep bumping into people that I know. (Who then introduces me to the people that they know.)
And I'm absolutely in love with the fact that the hotel is close by to EVERYTHING! The jetty (should I wish to hop on a boat to the islands -- which I don't really since I've been to the islands in April,) a mall/complex, a good eating place, 7-Eleven, Burger King and also KFC. hahahha!

I feel.. free, here. I feel comfortable, even, to walk around by myself, as I did earlier.. like this is MY place.
But I believe that I won't love here so much by the end of my trip; for lack of new things to do. hahahha!
I NEED TO MEET MORE PEOPLE!!
Ah well, Mimi's flying here tomorrow so I suppose I'll be hanging out with her tomorrow night.

I know I'm starting to sound really boring..
All I ever talk about these days is work.. or related to work.. or people that I work with.. blah.
So I'm stopping now and hopefully I'll find something interesting to share tomorrow.

Take care, everyone!
Have a good night.

Rhetoric.

Am I not worth the fight?

oh sigh.
I need to write a long letter. Probably when I'm on my 5-days work/trip in Sabah. (Basically for the 5 days I'll be based in KK and fly around.. sleep in a hotel instead of coming back home.)

Been moody these past few days.
DD's been making me crazy.. but not in the good kind. Being moody just doesn't help, honestly. Certain moments I feel like I'm going further and further away to a point where it seems like I might end up alone and bitter when I'm old.
ughh. I really should get a start on that letter.

Focusing on the good now;
the other day I came home to a quest from DD who'd left a note for me to find a red box in my room. (It wasn't hard.) I found the box, and in it was a RED Moleskine! woohoo!! I've always wanted a red Moleskine! ♥
But now I'm having a hard time to actually start writing in it. hahahha!

Nothing much to tell really. I'm finally feeling the tiredness from working. The work itself isn't so tiring, but the fact that I worked for 3 days then one day off then work for another day and today is another day off and tomorrow I'll be working, and there'll be one day off and then 3 days of work.
ughh! nuts.
I need more than just one day off.
I'm getting tired and it's leading me to become moody and distant from my own boyfriend.

APAKAH?!
This isn't the life I intended to live.
This isn't how I wanted to feel.
So.. I NEED MY REST!!