It's 12:20.

Since Bestie haven't mentioned it yet, he's officially moved into the building where I live now in Bukit Jalil. woohooo! Distractionsss! hahahhahaha
Unfortunately, I haven't got the chance to fuss around in his new room as I am still in Seremban.. praying that my full health will return to me soon.

I need to start planning my expenses real smartly. Especially since I wasn't flying much last month (which result in a huge dent to my account) and this month.. and also next month! Good God, life isn't about money.. so I hate it when I need to think about it.

Damn, I need a bit change around my life!
Okay.. well.. that's actually a translation for "I need more money so I could get a Blackberry!" or "When am I ever going to buy a laptop?!"
hahhahaha!
I hate that I keep thinking about things that I want (but don't need) but out of rationalization, I put it off again and again. hahahahha! Of course, out of rationalization.. I shouldn't be complaining since it's for the best, but damn! I'd like to splurge like a FEMALE sometimes!
HAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA! And I hate thinking about the same things again and again!

Okay okay. I think I've rant enough for the time being.
But I do need some change around my life.
I'm not sure how.. but I want it anyway.
Suppose I'll figure it out eventually..

In Seremban.

I think I'm feeling better..
But I'm pretty woozy at the moment, so what do I know?

I had MY FATHER called the clinic earlier to get me another mc for today but the person on the other line/doctor needed me to come in to be examined again for me to get it. Oh heck.
So I had spent the day nervously hoping that the D.O. (duty officer) wouldn't call me -- and thankfully they didn't!
I don't know what I would have done if they did. Use my charm (?) to get them to call someone else perhaps. If that didn't work then I would just have to go to work and pretend that I'm fine.
Not exactly hard, since that's what I'm paid for. Kinda..
hahahhaha!

So I'm still in Seremban.. and Encem's in Kuantan.. sigh.
Good thing I didn't get called up. I would be pretty upset if I come home to my empty room right now.
Off day tomorrow and a layover the day after, which means I can get home whenever I like to. HA - HA - HA - HA!!
God, I hope my dizziness would be gone by then.
Though I said that I'm paid to pretend that I'm fine.. I suppose the company pays me too much, cause I'm a bad pretender. hahahahhaha!

Oh, it seems like I've been thinking a bit about the future lately.
Of how I'd like it to be.
I blame the dizziness.
I refuse to think about the future in general. It would nudge me to hope, and eventually saddens me. (Pessimistic, of course.)
And while I was walking around the mall with my family, looking at home appliances.. I thought of him. haha! I love playing house with him, I can't deny that.

Anyway, I need to distract myself some..

Rindunyaaaaaaa!!!

Damn, I miss him.
I hate that he's flying right now.
Damn Bangalore!
I also hate that I'm sick and all I want right now is ATTENTION but I'm not getting it!
*cries*
Okay, I'm not actually crying, but I DO feel like crying.
sigh. I really.. REALLY hate the fact that I can't talk to him.
Really really hate.

Oh, I'm still pretty sick. My sisters reckon that I need to see the doctor again tomorrow and get another mc.
Noooooooooooooooooo!!!

My first mc..

ughh.. I hate that I'm sick during standby.
I'm not even sure if I needed the mc to begin with! But I had to get it anyway JUST IN CASE the duty officer calls me to work.
Damn it! My mc will be on my record!
That sucks the most..

Anyway, I'm sweating like a pig at the moment. I suppose that's good. I hope that I'll get better tomorrow or the duty officer doesn't call me as tomorrow will be my last day on standby.

Damn, I really hate being on standby!!

Anyway, my family are preparing to head to Seremban. Celebrating Aidiladha there.. or something.
But honestly, all I feel like doing right now is NOT sweat and sleep all day.. and not move an inch.. at all.

I miss my Bollywood-crew.

In Shah Alam.

But I really should get a shower so I could head back to Bukit Jalil, honestly.

Bestie asked me last night if my life truly depends on monkey-fish now. I must admit.. my satellite does revolve around his world.
But to say that I depend on him.. perhaps not. (Or maybe I'm just in denial?)

It's not like I MUST have him around to be happy.
I am naturally too easily distracted to depend on any one sole thing or person, really. Actually, sometimes I feel like I want him to feel like he could depend on me.
Also, in a way I'd like to believe that I am a dependable human being.
I know I wasn't made that way.. but I try.

But yes, I am one of those needy girls who clings to her boyfriend too much sometimes.
I guess in my heart and thoughts.. if you could BE together, why AREN'T you together? So I spend all the time I could spend with him, being with him. (But of course, then feeling hurt when he decided to be someplace else instead of being with me.)

If equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me.

W.H. Auden

Ah.. I curse Auden for cementing that quote onto my head.

It's never a fun thing to be the more loving one.
It's a recipe for major heartache, honestly.

But yeah.. back to the main point.
Do I NEED him?
I'd like to think NOT. hahahhahaha! I mean, if I do.. I would be okay with every little thing that he does, right? But I'm not really okay with EVERYTHING! (I'd like to think that it makes sense, anyway.)

Oh heck, think I should take my shower now.
Even if I don't really need my monkey-fish, I can still miss him!

In BKI.

And missing him.
Just saw next month's roster and I don't think I have anything much to complain about.. except maybe that I'm rostered for SBW -- AGAIN!!!
ughh.. seriously. Why do those rostering people keep sending me to SBW.

Anyway, I'm pooped.
I really should head to bed soon since I really.. really need it.
Today's flight wasn't so bad but the long hours.. sigh.

I'm happy that I'll be home by tomorrow evening.
I miss my bed.. and my room.. I miss my scented candles.. hahahha!

Nothing much to write today.
Nothing eventful happened, so really.. I have nothing to write.
So, 'til next time dear readers.. Have a good weekend!
I'm really looking forward to my two days off. heehee.

In KCH.

3 days trip..
Started off with paxing to Kuching.. which is basically a waste of time. But considering that we'll (myself and 4 other of my crew) be having a long day tomorrow.. it's understandable why the company didn't make us work today.

I'm already missing home.
The contents of home to be more precise.
Fortunately we bumped into each other in the terminal this morning. That soothed a bit of my mood. Plus, my crew seems easy to get along with. That'd help make the whole weekend bearable.
Although I did have trouble recognizing my superior just now as I was walking along the river. hahaha! I'm terrible.

I really should ask one of my crews how to say some things in Chinese for tomorrow's flight to Hong Kong. I really don't feel like flapping my arms around. heehee.

Nothing much to write.
Unfortunately I'm a bit single minded at the moment and I don't suppose it'd be interesting to read about.

Oh! I did spend a whole night with Bestie last night. That was fun. We decided to indulge ourselves; so we tried Italiannies for our first time.. had a smoke at Starbucks (as they were ready to close).. had a drink at Coffee Bean.. watched a movie at The Signature.. then lepak at a mamak in Subang that I end up being sent home at half past five IN THE MORNING! hahahhahahha!
Just enough time for me to pack up my things, take a shower and get ready for my pick up at seven.
Crazy.
Crazy fun!!
Thank you Bestie for distracting me from feeling sorry for myself. I really hate being in my dark room all by myself.
You're awesome, you know that?

Anyway, my set crew is in the next room watching Pandorum so I should join them though I'm not exactly a fan of thrillers.. ick!
Guess I'll catch up with you tomorrow from Kota Kinabalu! *wink!*

O yeah.. Happy Birthday, Ma!

Life in mono.

I wonder why do I keep running away. Why do I push you away?
Maybe I want you to leave me.. One good excuse for me to feel as lonely as I do.

I wish my head would just shut up right now. Or at least that my head and my heart are friends instead of being constant enemies.
My soul isn't having fun, and no amount of cheesecake can save me now.

The chain-smoker in me.

Oh yes, despite saying that I'm cutting down, I am finding myself smoking more and more.
Depending on how my day goes though.
And the past 2 days had been bad.

I honestly don't know why I bothered starting anyway.
Maybe it's a cowardly way of committing suicide. Not that I'm trying to off myself right here, right now. I don't think I'm ready for that -- yet (haha!) but I don't want to live too long either. (Especially not when my heart keeps aching for the stupidest reasons.)

Anyway, before I drag on about the things that I do not wish to drag about, let's yap on things that is in my mind at the mo.
Earlier, the ex-Boyfie (hahahahahha) asked me if I am now single -- assuming that he's been reading my tweet, which had really brought me laughing. Well, I'm not. But I wondered if I was..

I think I'd stay single.
Not that I'm unhappy being with the monkey-fish. Being with anybody isn't really hard for me. (Not since recently anyway.) It's when NOT being with them that drains me the most. And I didn't think that I was.. is this person. The girl who NEEDS to be with a boy.
That's crazy.
And yet couple-hood seems to have changed me.
My neediness upsets me. It's pathetic and ridiculously degrading. (Oh yes, I am hard on myself.)
Feels like ever since I got back on that saddle of couple-hood, my emotions had been on a rampage.

Anyway, you may not want to take my words verbatim. I am writing this out with an upset heart and getting very close to a caffeine crash. And I'm not really that upset anymore. Mostly numb I believe, since I've only had 5 hours of sleep since the past 48 hours.
But I have DEFINITELY been a little stressed lately and I have the proof of a pimple on my chin. I honestly can't remember the last time I had a pimple. ughhh.

Ah well.. I have this two days off and I should be able to catch up on my rest. Take a much needed breather.

By the way, thanks for saving me, Bestie!
"When you're single, you're depressed about not being with someone. When you're with someone, you're depressed about not being with someone else."
hahahahhha! I love us.

Okay. I'm crashing real soon so I should head to bed ASAP.

Same as I ever was.

At least I have pretty nails!

So the last I slept was 30 hours ago..
Of course that's if you don't count the minutes I dozed off in the plane.. or the minutes in my transport back from the airport.. or the little measly minutes while I was in the train to Nina's office.. or the tiny few minutes in Dida's car on the way back to Shah Alam.
Because honestly, they hardly feel like "rest" at all..

My sisters and I had been planning to go to get manicure/pedicure one day and because we wanted it to be a Friday, I suggested TODAY! -- honestly forgetting that I wasn't doing a split duty (where I go out on the last flight out, check into a hotel, then travel back on the first flight in) but a straight flight to and fro Hyderabad (4 hours flight time!) and to only touch down at 8am. Which means that I have to get myself ready as soon as I reach home so I could get to KL by 12.

Which I did.
So now I'm perfectly disoriented.. with my brain somewhere floating in the universe.. because really, I'm too old for staying up too long.
Ah well.. at least I have pretty nails!
And I've done my laundry!
So I could get back to Bukit Jalil, forget to hang my clothes to dry and plop in my bed until tomorrow afternoon -- which will be an OFF DAY! heehee