Have I jinxed it?

Just when I write about being happy..

I am back in Penang..
My set were only supposed to do four sectors -- touching down at 2240. But after two sectors we were told to do AOR instead of PEN, touch down at 2315..
When we arrived back in KUL after the final two sectors, we got the call to do ONE MORE SECTOR.. ughhhh!!!
Damn it! I had plans!
Dida and my parents were at the airport to come pick me up!!
Damn ittttt!!
I couldn't help feeling emotional over it. I hate that I promised to be there. I hate to have my family waiting for me. I just hate everything about it! ughhh..

And to top it off, I just heard word of a sad story from a friend.
Which sucks big time.
Honestly there are days that I just HATE.. being.

Anyway.. I am still relatively happy I suppose.
It's just.. I'd feel better if all had been according to plan..
On a side note, my new Shuffle rocks!! bahahhahaha! Wish they had it in red.. oh well.

Missing you, Encem!

Happy.

♥

It's odd to admit to yourself that you are, matter of factly; HAPPY.
Because I am.
Sure I still complain about the same ole' things.. wish that Encem would call or text me more.. hope that I'll get to spend more days off overseas.. But I am finding myself happier these days.

..despite having a heated discussion with Alif on what "relationship" really means the other day. hahaha! (It was a good "discussion" by the way..)

I have lesser things to complain about, to put it more plainly.
I thank God for the good days that I've been blessed with for the past week.
Pay day came early (and it was goood... All the long days last month was absolutely worth it!), I had a good set of crew on my flight to Jakarta and Perth.. I managed to get myself Jakarta's Hard Rock Cafe guitar-pin.. I had a good time in Perth; shopping (bahhahaha!).
My entire body aches, honestly.. I'm in the busy-phase of my roster. But the aches couldn't dampen my spirit -- especially after a lady-passenger told me that her elderly mother thinks I'm pretty yesterday. HAHAHHAHAHA. I mean, seriously.. if it's something a man said to me, I would doubt his sincerity/intention. But since it came from an old woman, I MUST really be pretty! ..right?
HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!

It's been six days since I last saw Encem though, so I am missing him like crazy.
Funny how a song actually reminded me that I am HAPPY.
I still need to work on my communications skill though. I have a feeling that that bit plays a big part on my newfound happiness.

I suppose once you're committed to a relationship, you should accept the other person for what ever they are. But you wouldn't really know if they truly accept you unless you show yourself to them..
Okay, that's a bit random but I think I'm referring to that discussion with Alif on Saturday. Just maybe.

Anyway, I need to get some sleep.
Btw, thank you God for giving me the chance to appreciate life. Also, thank You for Your perfect timing of giving me trouble when there is someone who could lend me a hand. Thank You for sending someone as patient as Encem my way.. Thank You for my good health, so far (hehe).. And thank You for my fate of having this job that I can now listen to songs from my spanking new iPod shuffle while wearing LaSenza undergarments.
hahahhahahahahahahahahha!!

I am happy. Alhamdulillah..
Please keep me this way.

The 26th.

I had a pretty good birthday..
Though I wish that I didn't have to turn TWENTY-SIX.. but I had a pretty good birthday..

Despite coming home to an empty house..
Despite Boyfriend asking me to COOK after returning from Sandakan flight..
I had a pretty good birthday.

I had good food and I had cake.
And boyfriend got me my perfume. The one that has been discontinued. heehee. It was sweet.

Of course, this all happened on the twelfth and the early morning of the thirteenth as I am working on my birthday. (And I am blogging now from my hotel room in Penang..)
Anyway, I had a good birthday..

Just wanted to let you know that.

December.

December has always been a curious.. curious month to me.
It being my birthday month, I always wonder what's in store for me.. always wishing that things will be good.
I hope it'll be good.

But I got quite a shock yesterday afternoon after receiving an e-mail of a death of an acquaintance. I didn't know her that well.. I'd only worked with her once long ago. But I remembered her being this sweet and funny girl.
I don't know. Trying to relate someone who seemed so happy with death didn't seem right. It's just so.. untimely.

I don't know.. it's been bugging me all day honestly.
If I die, the natural response would probably be; 'ah well, it's been long time coming..'

It's weird. Coincidentally I'd been having visions of death lately. Not necessarily mine. I wondered how it'd be if one of my family members died..
Or if boyfriend had an accident. Would there be anyone who'd let me know?
Or would it take days before anyone realized that I hadn't known. Maybe after days of him not coming home and not answering any of my phonecalls.. I'd start tracking his friends and only then they would tell me the news?
I worry about these things sometimes. I'm not exactly in his "emergency call list". And even if I am, if I am working.. it won't be possible for anyone to contact me.
So it sucks.
It sucks when I wonder about these things.

And the other day Dida brought news of home that I am not at all happy about.
Everything sucks.
December began with sucky sucky things!

So now I'm scared. Struck by a terrible worry everytime Encem walks out the door. I hate it when people leaves to someplace I couldn't follow.
It sucks.

So tell me December.. is this how it's going to be all month or should I finally learn how to quit hoping.

Ugly side.

I have this thing of thinking things that I don't mean..
I don't actually say them out loud because I know how badly that could lead me, but my mind is far too quick to judge and decide what I think/feel about certain things. Especially when I am angered.
But believe it or not, that's the most crucial moment of the situation -- the thoughts that I don't mean.
Because then I would wish for things that would upset me in the end.

Example; weeks ago I was depressed about how nothing was happening around me, so I wished that I will be working on my birthday. Sent someplace where I won't have to be reminded how boring my birthdays have been. If I'm going to be indoors and be reminded that I am OLDER, might as well I DO something be it work.
So of course, I got my wish.. A night in Penang on the 13th..

Today, I wished that boyfriend would get called up knowing that he was on standby, because I was upset with him. So of course.. he's spending the night in Kuantan tonight while I'm here bored and annoyed at myself for wishing things that I didn't mean..
Honestly, even when he upsets me, it's still better with him around. At least he'd amuse me by trying to make up for his mistakes.
Ha - ha - ha! (I'm not really in the mood to laugh right now.)

Now, regarding the previous entry.. I think I'm going to TRY just one more thing before I truly give up. I'm gonna let hell break loose. No more silent treatment. I'm gonna fight like hell. Shout if I feel like it.
If that gets me nowhere, then I'll know..
I'll know for sure.
Honestly that scares the crap out of me, but it has to be done.. It must.

And now it's dark
I look for you to light my heart
I'm in between the moon and where you are
I know.. I can't be far
-- Blue October

Forget I said anything..

Suppose I am giving up.
I give up trying.
There is nothing else to say. There is nothing else I can say to you.

If everything I say will be misunderstood, I shouldn't bother saying anything at all.
If you give up trying to listen.. Guess I should give up trying to say anything altogether.

Thank you, dark cinema.. For hiding my shameful tears..


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Been a while..

I've been brooding lately, as Julie would put it.
Honestly I feel like my life is becoming more and more non-existent for the past week. Being busy with work just doesn't work for me. Sure I love going to foreign places and see what they could offer to a stranger like I am, but too much of it is making me feel like I'm aging way faster than I should.

I'm grateful.. honestly, to be able to visit these places. Taipei, Beijing and Dubai in one month! It's awesome. But I can't remember when was the last time I had a proper date with the boyfriend. We're always too tired to do anything outside. And come on, staying in watching movies isn't exactly my idea of a perfect day.

I know I am asking a lot, but isn't that the whole point?
To not be afraid to ask..

But who am I kidding.. I am always afraid. I am still unable to speak what goes through my mind. I'm starting to think that it's way too easy -- not talking. I dunno.. It feels as though I am changing but I know it's not for the better. sigh.. It's like I'm wrapping my words in a package and just bidding my time to send it away to nothingness.

I think I am detaching myself.. From loved ones and life even. Perhaps I am embracing the disappearance of my so-called life.
We'll see..

What I know is, I am too tired of putting myself out there and not having anyone to meet me halfway.
I'm tired.. My mind is fed up for having my heart controlling my life's course. Fed up for the headache that's caused from the heartache.
Honestly.

Me and my old man..

I love spending mornings with my dad.
Mostly because I am chirpy in the morning (after having a good sleep) and my dad is much more tolerant in the mornings; having nothing of the day-crap to bug his mind. Actually... my dad is ALWAYS tolerant of me. Perhaps I am the one that is more tolerant of people in the mornings..

Aaaaanyway!
After two weeks of not seeing any of my family members (I know, I'm horrible. My parents just lives 30 minutes away!) I asked my dad to come pick me up.

At the carpark where we were getting breakfast, we saw this one grown man attempted to park his big ass car. He was an IDIOT, honestly.. couldn't make up his mind whether he wanted to park on the left side or the right.. With the back-side out or the front.. Seriously. I lost some major points just talking about that man.
I even proclaimed that "idiots should not procreate."

Then my father chimed in that idiots wouldn't know they're idiots..
Which is a horror really, because non-idiots would easily recognize an idiot while a fellow idiot won't. So idiots will fall in love with idiots thinking that they're both equally smart, get married, and make idiot babies!!
OH - MY - GOD!!
What will happen to the world!! Infested by idiots!
Scary world.

Okay, my father and I are snobs -- and maybe that's why we click so well. hahahha!
Basically I've been spending my morning complaining and rambling to my father.. About people I've worked with.. Stories from the people I've worked with.. about passengers.. The kids that were sitting at the stairway to our flat.. Too many bad comments that at one point I almost fell from simply walking at the pavement!
Hahahahhaha! Balasan Tuhan..

I really love the mornings where I get to do everything that I wanted to do.

Feels like all I ever talk about lately is ANYTHING that relates to the boyfriend.. I swear sometimes it feels like my entire existence is tethered to the gravity that is him.
This much change.

Bob Marley

The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.

Good quote.
And very true.

Anyway, I'm having a roller coaster kind of days lately. There's no more good days or bad days. More of good hours and bad hours..
Sigh.
I'm not sure if that's better or not.

I'm bored. Actually really bored.
Feels like I'm drifting most of the time. Life could pass me by and have no effect on me.
It bores me.
Bores the hell out of me.

Work's been alright.
Relationship's been alright.
But that's just it -- "alright". I don't live with just 'alright'. So passion-less.
I am grateful with my alright life. But I wish I could be ecstatic everytime I wake up in the morning.

Sigh.
I need more.
I hate this stagnant.
I HATE BEING STUCK!

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The scent of one.

Did you know that our memory picks up scents the best?
I'm not sure where I read that but I am a believer. It does seem like my brain remembers scents better; for instance if I had a whiff of 'scent A', I could relate it to what had happened the last time I had smelled 'scent A'.

Encem had asked me a certain rhetorical question a couple of times before; if we hadn't seen each other for a very long time (years..) and somehow fate brought us together but his face was covered except for his eyes (err..) would I be able to recognize him still?
Yeah, odd question, I know.. but I play along anyway.. But when I say that I played along, I meant I made a thinking face for a short while and say that I don't know and changed the subject. hahahha!
Truth is, I'd most probably won't be able to know it was him by his eyes alone. I'm terrible like that.

But I know his 'smell' by heart.
To the point where I could get irked when somebody else wears the same perfume as he does. But most of the time when that happens, I'll just miss him more. Which could be even more annoying really.

So why am I writing about smells anyway?
Well, I'am reminded that I'm running low on my perfume. The "best" part is that the production of MY scent has been discontinued. Which sucks. I hate changing perfumes. Mostly because nothing really appeals to me! Most of them are either too strong.. Too 'makcik'.. Too manly.. ughh!
Another thing about scents; when choosing perfumes -- and partners actually, believe it or not one tends to choose something (or someone) that has the same scent as one does.

Anyway.. it's good to be home.
I find myself appreciating home more lately, but I know that this feeling may not last. Consistency has never been my strong point...

With all of me..

Half past one and I'm still awake.. ughh.
I better get to sleep soon since I have four hours of flight tomorrow.. Not a fun thing when you're one crew down -- yes, we're in Taipei and we left base with a short of one crew. Some moronic steward went MIA. grrr.
But anyway, my set crew is alright. I'm not having a bad time.. which is good enough for me! (Now who says I'm never thankful? hahahha!)

So practically three days in Taipei.. what did I learn about myself?
Well, I learnt that I am for certain.. capable of blowing my bank account had there been any money in there. Bahahahha! I've always liked Taipei but it seems that I like it more when the weather is cool.
Jackets and boots -- TRUE evils of MY world. eeeeep!!

I also learnt that walking around by myself reminded me of being back in Europe. I don't know.. maybe because of the weather.. the foreign language.. the AWESOME transportation system.. The silliness of walking around town knowing what to get but not knowing exactly where it is so I walked around and around the same block a few times.. hehhe.. I liked it anyway.
I felt like a fool, but what the heck! It's not like anyone knew me out there..

One more thing that I learnt.. Being in Taiwan (not just Taipei 'cause I've thought of this same thing while I was in Kaohsiung) reminds me of my ex. Hahahaha!! It's not that funny really.. but I HAD to laugh because the reasoning seems STUPID. And writing about it would seem even more stupid but anyway.. Taiwan reminds me of my ex because I'm surrounded by Chinese! hahahahha!! And I swear some of the guys here looked like him. HAHAHHAHAHA!! There was a time when I walked around and saw this one guy and I thought; Oh - my - God!
But of course, that random guy didn't kept eye-contact and said nothing when I walked past him so it couldn't be him.

Aaaaanyway, Sylly.. if you are reading this.. I've been thinking about you, obviously. Sorry.

Kinda been wanting to call to say hi.. or something. But he didn't even reply to any of my Facebook messages.. So.. heh. Perhaps you can't really be friends with an ex.
I suppose Arep is just one odd human specimen to still want my friendship. (One more thing I am thankful of!)

I've been thinking a lot about a lot of things of late. Kinda wanted to write about it but I'm not sure I want to actually remember about it in the future.
Ah.. battles in my head.

I should quit smoking.

Currently listening to..

Demi Lovato's Catch Me


So yeah.. I'm Taipei and getting homesick by the minute.
sigh..

Mini gathering..

Mummy and Daddy's wedding reception went well..
Still funny watching Daddy all serious. hahahha!
We basically had a mini gathering there.. Most of our batchmates were there. It was nice seeing everyone all dressed up!



Okay, I haven't got any complaints so..
That's it for today!

Have a merry married life, Mimi & Hasse!! ♥

You KNOWW??

A close friend tied the knot today..


I can honestly say that I was nothing but sincerely happy for Mimi and Hasse. I had a good giggle seeing Daddy acting all serious.. hahaha! They really are one of the cutest couple I've met. Two good souls.. I am blessed to have gotten the chance to get to know them..
Now I'm actually looking forward to the reception tomorrow!

I must confess that I am pretty awkward at social gatherings -- which had led me to hide in the car with Alif, waiting for Murni to arrive earlier.. hahahha! We're horrible, and we know it!
But I am really looking forward to tomorrow -- mostly because Encem will be around; so I can hide behind him. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

After the ceremony, Alif and I went to the mall and Arep came to join us. It was nice.. just hanging out with two of my closest guys.
I WAS thinking of calling Arep while I'm on this holiday break but things just kept coming up, so I really am glad that today happened.

I had a good day.. That's what I am trying to say anyway.
My holiday is ending and I can't help but wish that I could have it extended. Although, I need to keep in mind that I need to work to pay my bills and buy myself some nice things. Gah!
Sucks to be thinking of "working" for the money when I had never been that kind of person to begin with.

I hope the good days will keep coming.
Take care, everyone.
(I run of words fast when I'm not whining or complaining about something, I know..)

You don't Poke me anymore..

I know that one shouldn't compare relationships..
But I can't help it when you've had two very different ones. I can't help but wonder.. Perhaps I never knew what I wanted after all, and that's why I am never happy.

Okay, even I know that isn't true.
I can feel it in my guts that I am close to the elusive "happiness".. I just need to tweak some little things in my life.
I need to be able to talk again.
There was a time when I had no trouble talking about my feelings; mostly because talking was the only thing I could do.

I've learnt that when your other half is next to you, you tend to get distracted easily. Not a good thing when I am someone who needs to build up a courage to talk about things that matters. sigh.

So anyway.. To be frank, things have been extremely quiet.
I rarely ever talk for the past week even though the voice in my head is practically screaming at me. My heart is hardly numb even though I've been secretly wishing for it to be just that. I've ran out of words to write in letters so I'm getting pretty great at daydreaming.
Mostly about me trashing a place or punching some faces until they became disfigured. Mostly gruesome stuff that involves a knife that I'm beginning to think that this bottled up feelings is like adding fuel to the flame that is my anger issues.

Not speaking out = rage.
Who would've thought?

I am just as emotionally tired as I had been the last time I blogged.
Nothing much have changed really -- just less spoken words. What's the point of talking when the words are just forgettable, right?
I think I am trying to give up trying. I refuse to take responsibility.

Honestly, I need a friend.
ONE particular friend actually. But he doesn't seem to get how badly I need him I guess.
Oh well.. I'll live.. For as long as I can anyway.

Patience is thinning.

The little respect I have left for you just walked out the door.
Ignorance is your new bestfriend.

Must you call me only when you need something.. or trying to locate someone?
You have left me in this little island on my own and you have the nerve of asking me petty little questions??
Grow up.
Seriously, GROW UP.

I am surrounded by kids, honestly.
Not trying to say that I am THAT mature, but God knows I am not THAT needy too.
ughhh!

I can't find my deodorant and that stupid little thing just brings up a whole lot of dissatisfaction that I actually have in my life. I need to grow up now!
I'm finding solace in music now..
Paramore to be exact. hahahha!
Just enough "noise" I've gotta say. I'm excited that I'll be seeing them perform live tomorrow night. Been hearing sound-checks all day today from across the road. (Oh yes, I live across from the venue!)

I find this funny actually. Remembering hearing Usher's songs when he came to perform a few months ago. A few 'pros' living in this apartment. Cons would be -- TRAFFIC!

Oh.. Am I glad that I was born fickle minded..
badaba badaba ba da..

Emotion sickness.

I'll ignore you by ignoring myself.

Feels like it has come to that in the relationship.
Don't get me wrong, I love my man and I believe that he loves me back just as much. I am crazy about him but at the same time he is driving me crazy.

So.. I'll ignore my feelings so I could ignore him.. somehow.
Perhaps I AM choosing to be miserable. I don't know. But I do know that I only write when I am so it doesn't seem fair to the boyfriend or myself. I suppose if you're an outsider, just stumbling over to this blog.. you would think that I am emotionally inclined to masochism. Or just stupid -- which would be the more "obvious" word.

Last weekend Dida suggested that I see a psychiatrist.
I've always wanted to go but I don't know what's been holding me back. Perhaps just the fact that it will require me to spend money when I fully expect the shrink to tell me something I'd known for a very long time.

Doc: You're cuckoo
Me: Thank you, Doc. Here's your money.

It'd be a waste of money and time honestly. Mostly because I don't TALK much. Not as much as I write anyway. Sure, I can talk about my job.. about my day.. about the cute dresses that I see at the mall.. but NEVER about what I feel.
Stupid defected brain. I shall blame the countless of times that I fell during my childhood. heh. I shall blame everything on my childhood and Freud would be proud.

Anyway.. I need to fix myself. Dida reckons no one could save me from myself -- not her exact words but that's what she basically means. She reckons that I need to fix myself before.. anything, and I agree. I should fix myself.. perhaps only then I could be "happy".. what ever that really means.

Some days I do identify bliss, but some days all I want to do is hide under the coffee table in the living room. It's not particularly spacious, but it's just enough for me to hide from the world. Just the world -- if only I could hide from my thoughts and feelings.

Oh well.. it's half past nine here in Korea. Boyfriend's in Delhi. blablablaa.. In order for me not to think or talk about him, I shall go to sleep. I'm not feeling too well anyway. Between having too much gas from drinking too much Cola and being emotionally sick that I'd cried listening to a song from Camp Rock 2 'cause it hit close to home (I know, WTF!) and over thinking about a scene from Eat, Pray, Love.. I really should get some shut eye. I haven't gotten much of that since I had to wake up for work yesterday afternoon. Damn night flights.

So goodnight, dear world.
Please be gentle to me come morning.

And Then You..

I was struck by a thought last night that got me stunt.
Then followed by a string of curses, naturally.
A year has passed and I was slightly comforted knowing that I've changed.. somewhat.

But of course, I haven't really....

Just when I thought that I was happy right where I am.. My heart jumped at the first idea that could lead me someplace else.

I am running away again..
Or I want to.

So now I'm sitting here this Sunday morning.. trying to figure out what am I running from exactly.
I am breaking my own heart this time.
And I am not sure if I should voice this out loud. Seems premature to be saying something when I don't know the cause of it. Why should I alarm anyone with this anyway?

Maybe some people are just not meant to linger at one place for too long, right? That it has no underlying psychological meaning or personal trouble behind it, right? They were simply made that way, right?
ughh who am I kidding.
I am a textbook of "underlying psychological meaning and personal troubles".
I am incapable of happiness. Everything is too temporary. My brain is wired to find things to be unhappy about. I accept death too easily simply because I am more morbid than all the people that I know.

Anyway..
Had a pretty good Saturday hanging out with Nina and Dida.


I find myself looking.. almost staring at them a bunch of times in the course of one day. Trying to find the words to say to them maybe, but finding none.

My life/head/heart is so messed up that even when I'm surrounded by good people, I just can't give myself away and open up.
I simply couldn't bring myself to take the leap.

General anaesthesia.

It's odd to be in a dreamless sleep.
Even odder to be blinking your eyes while you're in a room one second and suddenly be in a different room the next second.

Anyway..
Nothing much going on in my life honestly. Just boring.. Boring.. Boring..
Mostly just one big confusing emptiness.

And I'm tired of talking.. Even writing about this very specific emptiness.. But I couldn't stop thinking about it, so I'm in an endless loop of.. Pain.
No other word to describe it.
Just pure, simple, uncomplicated.. Pain.

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To age prematurely..

So I was told that I'm a good secret keeper.
The thing about keeping secrets though, unless you'd forgotten about it, the words said will keep repeating itself in your mind.
Without you wanting it, you'd keep thinking about it.. Over and over again.

Feels like I'm jumping years these past few weeks. It doesn't help that my hair are prone to turn grey at the top part of my head. Sure it made me feel like Rogue of X-Men but having grey hair doesn't bode well with a job where your looks are important.

Not sure if the ages that I've acquired is making me more mature..
To be honest I'd prefer to live in denial and pretence than to face myself at this moment. I keep hoping that I've been dreaming all along.
But I am not.
So I'm forced to face my problems head on.

Which sucks.
And heart-breaking.
I wish I could talk to my sisters about it but I doubt they will just 'listen'. And my current friends are mostly 'kids' who shouldn't be burdened by my troubles. My older friends seems to be too attached to their spouses/boyfriends that the idea of them sharing what I have to say doesn't seem like the best idea. And as much as I love and trust my far-friends.. As much as I do share with them.. They are far from here.

So all I have is myself.. Again.
Ageing twice as fast than the normal speed because I have too much to think about.
And all these things are giving me a lazy-phase about work. I am getting too damn lazy to get out of bed and make myself look pretty when I feel nothing but ugly inside.

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To be lonely.

Must I do everything alone?
Just because I can, doesn't mean I want to. Doesn't mean that I should.

I hate it when I am expected to be independent when really.. I shouldn't be left alone.

Is this what I deserve, dear God?
I am simply asking You this question 'cause I need to know. Am I destined to be alone all my life.. For real?
..because I know that no one can live that way. Not really.

So anyway, here I am in Sibu for work.. Chilling in the hotel room with two stewards 'cause I'm promiscuous like that.. Trying to distract myself from the mess that is my life, honestly.
Failing..
But at least I'm trying. Still trying.

I suppose that's something to be proud of.

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I'm not sure I want to remember this..

This part of my life..
But I figured I should live and learn, so I should write about it. I honestly have no idea how I got into such a mess..
Well, of course I know HOW but how did I LET this happen???

Shit, as if I haven't had enough reasons to hate myself already. But honestly I am feeling numb for the most part.
And lonely.
It seems to be a 'normal' feeling for people who are/were in my kind of situation, I heard.

I suppose this was the change that Bestie had mentioned the other day. But I can only feel myself changing. Not sure about Encem, but who knows.. I can't really read his mind.
But I thank God that he is the kind of person who sticks around..
Not that I 'need' him to. I suppose I was always used to the idea of handling every situation on my own. Not saying that it's the best way.. But it's the only way I know.

Speaking of God.. I don't blame Him. I do question Him though.. But not blame. I have myself for that.
He's given me a working brain and yet I put it aside and not use it.
So it's my fault.
Oh well..

It's Eidulfitr tomorrow!!
God, I hope it'll be a quiet one. heehee. No surprises please!

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Hello, old feelings.

Been a while since I'd felt this way..
Maybe "life's" been saving it only for when I am back in my parents' place.

I'm feeling miserable.
To the point where I imagined myself jumping out of the window. I swear I only get this feelings when I'm here.
There is a bad aura here. Or maybe it's just bad connection.

I love my parents..
But there are some things that they do.. That gives me no other feeling but HATE. Pure, uncomplicated HATE.
Which are making me want to leave and never look back.

Actually I've been feeling a whole lot of that lately. Some days I just can't come home -- any home!
Making me wonder how I'd do living in the streets. I don't know.. Maybe living in the streets would be too extreme.
So now I wonder if I live by myself. Having absolutely no one in my personal space.

Will I grow or crumble even worse?
Hmm...

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In CMB.

So I'm in Sri Lanka..
Just chilling out with Saravanan and Max in the crew lounge.. They're figuring out words for the scrabble game that we're playing while I'm crapping what ever in front of this screen.

It's been a crazy week -- emotionally. I swear I have no idea what's going on with my heart these days. I suppose I should pity the boyfriend for being the usual victim of the situation. Kinda. Sometimes.
But anyway.. I honestly just noticed how crazy my emotions were when last night I cried watching He's Just Not That Into You.
I mean, SERIOUSLY!!

Anyway, I'm feeling lucky to be able to fly here. Apparently we're pretty much the last set of crew to be nightstopping here since the company will only be doing daily flights to MLE and CMB starting September. And we have two days off here! Talk about being blessed. hehe.
The crews are awesome too! We've got SIX "117s" and the rest are just really really nice seniors. heehee.
Thank you, God.

We're flying back home later tonight.
I'm looking forward to going back home. Then FIVE days off!!
Yippeeeeee!

Ughhhh..

I swear I hate talking about my personal troubles but I am running low on the people whom I can talk to.
This is crap.
My life is turning out to be a massive piece of shit.

Perhaps I'm a lump of shit myself.. If that is so, I shouldn't complain right? I mean, I'm supposedly surrounded by familiar things!

But probably not.. After all, I am the type of person who gets lonely even when I am in a roomful of people.
Perhaps I should get that stamped on my brain; to not be bothered since I'll always be alone.
What's the point of fussing over things that you can't change, anyway?
I'm tired of talking.

But most of all, I am tired of feeling.
I am tired of wanting for things to change. My heart is getting old.. And it's weary of hoping.

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My poor sister..

To have to deal with me while I couldn't contain the tears in my eyes..
I suppose my emotions are going haywire again..

I swear I wish Encem would just rip my heart out already. I'm crazy tired of feeling the same lousy feeling every other day. Am I addicted to misery?? Seriously. I don't think I enjoy crying.. So why am I still in this stupid relationship?

Yes, that's what I think of it today. Stupid. I'm not in love. I'm not even in lust. So I don't know what I am 'in' really.

Ah, fuck it.

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To be speechless.

I am currently in Kota Kinabalu.
Trying to decipher exactly how I'm feeling.. about anything, right now.

Work had been demanding lately. Or perhaps I am just getting old.
It just felt like I need a vacation now or I'll start hating my "job".

Dark days looms in.
Typical.
And I've hated that since a very long time ago.

Hollow in my heart.

I'm tired..
I'm tired of not talking.
But mostly I am tired of talking but not be taken seriously.
Do I need to cry everytime I want to get my point across?

Sigh.
I hate being in limbo.
I hate having an elephant in the middle of the room.
I hate feeling the tension and in no way of solving the problem.

I hate being afraid.
I hate the idea of ending up in the way that I most feared.
I know that I need to talk about this but I can't think of anyone that I can talk to.
I am in a rut. And I am stuck here.

I am.. Clueless.
Hopeless.
But most of all, I am tired. I am so friggin' tired.

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KUL, DXB, BEY, KHI

Four timezones in four days.

I am hating my life.

I feel like I'm in a rut.

First time I felt like committing suicide because of work.

First time I cried in the aircraft's lavatory.

A much needed emotional-Heimlich was rejected.

I'm glad to be back home.. But I'm not sure if I'm actually "happy" about being "home".

Yeah, I still want to die.
Sorry for the emotional rant. Everything just blows, thanks.

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How Maybank changed my life..

HAHHAHAHAHAHA wtf, right?

I've always wanted a credit card.. Well, I wanted a credit card not long after I owned an ATM card (which happened to be when I was fourteen -- pretty young to have one, for a kid from a middle-class family in Malaysia I would say.)
I don't know.. the idea of spending without having the actual money was interesting.

Then I found out about the debts that could befall me.. which made me re-think about "wanting" to have a credit card.
The idea of spending money that I don't actually have became SCARY, to say the least.

So anyway.. I'm not really into accounts or banking.. or even planning, but a few months ago I decided to open a new banking account with Maybank after yeaaarrs of being loyal to CIMB.
Reason to doing so; just because.
I thought that I needed the second account so I would have a place to put away some money to be saved.
HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!
Right.

The thing about Maybank.. once you open an account, they'll give you an ATM card that also works as a DEBIT card.
And voila! A way to spend the money that I already have, without having the actual money in my hands! Plus, I could also set up my account with Paypal so I could shop online!
So THAT'S how Maybank changed my life.
Is it for the better?

Now let's see.. earlier today I deposited some money into that account, and when I came home I logged on to Ebay, and found myself buying TWO Moleskines!
BAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA!!
In my defense though, buying those online are WAY cheaper than buying them from say.. Borders. Seriously. So in a way, I am saving money here! theehee!
Actually I pretty much just found out that a LOT of things are cheaper when you buy them online. I don't know.. maybe because I'm in Malaysia and the shops here just marks up the prices a LOT.

So anyway.. I think I'm addicted to online shopping now.
Suddenly there are more things on my list of "The Things I Want" now..
Oh well, I'm glad that I have a job -- and lucky enough, I only call it a "job" a few times a month. Most of the days I'm just fooling around, really.
I'm thankful for that.

One more thing I am thankful about;
I am veeerry grateful to have a boyfriend who is a good cook!
Thank you, God!

Time for dinner/supper now.

..And all I could do is cry.

Being the youngest child has its perks.
But when you're a semi-depressed youngest child, those perks would turn into a reason to cry in a matter of moments.

Take this for instance..
I am having a mighty heavy heart about going to work with a runny nose later in the morning. My fever is practically gone, but the flu seems to be sticking around for the time being. A little flu sounds really minor to miss work, but when you're flying.. And your nose is blocked.. The pressurised air will press on to your eardrums and would cause a great headache.
I don't know about other people but I would usually have this one vein on my forehead pulsing with pain as the aircraft descends to land.
No amount of Valsalva manoeuvre can save me from this pain.

So I'd been contemplating about taking the taxi from Bukit Jalil to Shah Alam -- so I could go to my clinic, which I know is open 24-hours and is a panel of my company.
Guess my parents weren't too happy with the idea so they are on their way from Seremban (taking care of Nina's family who are down with a fever -- including Dida) to get me to the clinic right now.

I don't like the idea of my dad driving in the night. And I feel so selfish for making them want to fetch me. I should've just left and tell them AFTER I had seen the doctor.
I am not worth the trouble.. really.
So here I sit waiting.. Crying.. Hating the fact that I am still sickly and lonely and needy!!!

UGHHHHH!! I frustrate myself.
I keep trying to be a better person, be independent.. And yet here I am still needing my parents' help.
I am a grown woman, for God's sake!!
I hate this. I really really hate that I still seem so helpless at times.
I hate being sick. I really hate being sick.

I'd like to drop dead right about now, thanks.

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I demand recuperation!

Being in recovery from a high fever made me realize two things;
1. When "I" say that it's a high fever, it really means high-temperature and not just me being dramatic. People actually do get worried when I have a temperature as I would shiver in a room where everyone else would start to sweat, and;
2. I've been working too hard.

HAHHAHAHHAHA!!!
Well, I don't know about the second part but it really does feel like it. I mean, being in the line of job that I'm in, having the amount of off-days that I get.. I should be able to take several getaways, but I haven't!

I am a nature's person and yet, the last time I was lazing at a beach was a year ago! And the last time I had a proper picnic was in 2007!! Seriously...

So this is what I'm thinking of.. As I am lazing in this chair out in the balcony of my hotel room in Miri.. Looking out to the ocean.. With the trees dancing to the sound of the waves while the sun is setting.

I've missed a lot on LIFE. And God, I really missed it.
Sure, not everyone has got the chance to see the stars at their eye level, or the pretty lights of a city from a bird's point of view.. But I only got to see those from the constraints of a tiny window.
I've missed seeing the big picture. I've missed the pure white clouds over the bluest of skies. The breathtaking sounds of the ocean that simply makes you want to do.. Nothing -- but to just sit there quietly.. Listening...


I miss everything.
And I need to have those back in my life.

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A symptom..?

I am having a fever-cough combo here.
I was flipping my medical book yesterday and noticed that ever since I started working, I make an appointment with the doctor almost every three months. (An exception to my previous visit which was a month early.)

I haven't got around to see the doctor this time though. I HATE clinics and hospitals. So.. I'm trying to delay this. Hoping that I'll feel better before I need to see a doctor and in the same time break the 'curse' of getting sick every three months. Kinda.

Also, I'm feeling miserable since Encem is away on a four-days trip, so no one is around to look after me.
I'm sad..
No amount of phonecalls can make me feel better.

I need to renew my passport by the 28th of next month and I couldn't find any passport-sized photos lying around. I refuse to take a new picture while I'm sick!! ughhhh!!
I know this is a bit too much of complaining in one morning. I swear I wasn't trying to be annoying..

Anyway, back to being sick. Is there some kind of a disease where the person would get a fever every three months?
I told you that I was hypochondriacal; so the thought didn't fail to cross my mind.
I know that I didn't create the fever from my mind.. Nothing emotional happened every three months.. So I fear that it could be an underlying sickness that shows the symptoms through a fever every three months!

Hahahahaha!
I swear my thoughts are even more ridiculous when I am sick.

Oh well.. I should try and get more sleep...

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Wa-heyy!

Because we live in a such digital-age..
Thank you Dida for setting this up because I'm simply not as IT-savvy as she is.

I'm bored.
Today is my one day off and I don't feel like going anywhere -- mostly because I am waiting for my package from UPS. (A thought.. I wonder if he'll be wearing the uniform. hmm..)

So anyway..
The UPS guy came!! I have my new toy in my hands now! Yeeehaa!


Oh this reminds me how I used to have a thing called SAVINGS! bahahahhaha!!
Despite living in a digital age, I still adore old-fashioned photography. Which is why I shall use my next pay to get my Nikon SLR cleaned.
I've always wanted an instant camera. I used to wish that I'd find the film for Mama's old Polaroid that we never got around to use, but anyway.. Now I have my own Instax! It's not at all handy but I'm LOVING it!!

So this makes my list of "The Things I Want" a little shorter. Took me YEAAAARRRSS to struck this one out. (As you could see for yourself, I've been editing my pics on Photoshop so it'd look like it's from an instant camera since February 2008!! hahahha!)
I wish Encem had the day off too so we could walk around and play with the camera. sigh.. Next time I guess. Bestie should come along too!

Oh I'm peckish.
Think I'll go down to 7-Eleven and get something. *giggle*

That suicidal feeling..

Or perhaps the intense regret.
The deep, deep desire to turn back the time and forget my need say what I 'needed' to say when what I needed the most is to learn to keep things bottled in.

What was I trying to achieve by saying what ever it was that crossed my mind anyway?
Funny how I knew what would happen, ignored it, and felt surprised when it turned out exactly how I'd thought it would.

I swear, sometimes I am just plain stupid.

I am in a dark place now.
So just leave me alone.

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I am trying..

Sometimes I caught myself thinking about other guys.. And wonder.
Isn't that... Wrong?

Sure, I can't expect anyone to be perfect when I am nowhere close to perfection myself.
But..

I am sad..
I am always sad around this time of the month.
Time and time again I've reminded my guy to love me more when I am feeling sad, but I suppose that may be a little too much of a thing to do.

I feel like disappearing.
To go away without a word and never come back. If there had been a door to a different dimension, I would've gone there. Who would miss me, it wouldn't matter.

Life is good.. The things or people who hadn't been good do not matter to me.
But around these times, I keep feeling nothing but sad.
Intensely sad.

And I'm thinking about another guy..
Wondering if I'd feel just as sad had I been with him..

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Anniversaire Heureux..

Did you know that it's been one year?

It's been one year that I've been flying..
Congratulations Batch 09/09 for sticking around! It's amusing to think about the first day in training.. The Cherating trip where we studied for our safety exam because we rocked like that.
So anyway.. It's been a year! *pats self on the back*

Also.. Today marks a year that I've been with Encem. (He picked the date, anyway.) I must say that we fight a lot -- to the point where we decided not to go to Midvalley together because we always end up fighting when we go there. But I'm glad to say that after one year, we still have the hots for each other..

I had completely forgotten about this blog's anniversary last month! Eight friggin' years!! I swear it's the longest relationship I've ever had..
I know that just shows how demented I really am.
Oh well..

So anyway.. It's been a year. It's been sweet, it's been great.
I am feeling nothing less than mushy right now but I don't think this is the best place to express all the ooey-gooey things that I'd want Encem to know; since he rarely ever reads this blog. So..

It's been a year.
Just letting you know.

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#crewlife

As much as I believe it in my guts that I am 'meant' for this kind of 'work'... I do get lonely sometimes.

Last night I fell asleep halfway through the Nederland and Espana World Cup Finals.. Because it was too quiet here in my hotel room.
In Jakarta.
I wish I was with with my friends.
I wish that I was with Encem.
I didn't feel like socializing with my crew.. ughh!

I woke up at 6 this morning.
Hardly three hours of sleep. And I had wanted nothing else but to talk to my guy but that isn't really smart - financially. sigh.

So I get homesick. Sometimes.
It's no fun.
I want to get home soon.

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About THINGS..

I just realize how having money makes you want to spend MORE.
It's terrible!!
I'm hoping not to be a shopaholic, but I'm afraid that I might turn into one.
I know I spend a lot on food, but that's just how I've been brought up honestly. When it comes to food -- it's okay to splurge! Even if that means going to Sakae Sushi three times in two weeks!
Bahahahahha!!
Okay, that is probably too much. But I can't help it! Dida and Encem had only recently 'accepted' sushi so now I can eat MORE sushi! Previously the only Japanese food they'd eat were teppanyaki and Pepper Lunch! Oh.. tempura too but that's not too exclusive to the Japanese, is it.

So anyway.. I forgive myself for wanting to have good food all the time. Even if those expensive, delicious yummies will turn into poop in the morning.. It's worth all the trouble. (Work to get the money.. Money spent on gas/transport/parking space..)

But when it comes to things.. I feel guilty spending on those. So I feel bad about wanting things.
For instance, I just ordered a Fuji Instax 210 online. Sure, I've been wanting some kind like a polaroid for yonks.. (You have no idea!) But earlier, a guy from Mooks told me that the Diana F+ can produce instant pictures as well with an add-on. But seriously, if I buy a Diana F+ without the extra lenses.. It'd be such a 'waste'.. Which made me consider getting the Diana F+ Deluxe Kit that Bestie had wanted so badly some months ago. (But I told him that it is too damn expensive comparing to the pay that we get..)
Which is true.
But!!
Damn it! Damn Bestie and his jelly lense for his Digital Harinezumi that made me want a fisheye! Rawrr!!

So..
Instax *for now* or just go for the darned Diana F+ Deluxe Kit then buy the damned Instant Back?
Gahhh!!
I hate thinking about spending money! Especially since I can't really be sure if I'll get bored of the things that I buy in one month. *Ponders about the closetful of dresses that I bought but haven't worn much due to a lack of occasions*
Sigh.

And I still want that Mukka Express.. (Still seems fun to play with!)
And I haven't even started saving on a pair of Christian Louboutin's. (Supposedly my goal for my 25th birthday..)
And I want to travel -- for holiday, and not just for work.

Oh sigh.. In a way, I'm glad to be fickle minded and have a quite logical mind. I know that I won't spend as much as I want to at the moment.. but it's good to rant about it anyway.

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UPDATE!

I am definitely NOT getting a Diana F+! yayy! Too much hassle if you ask me as it uses a 120mm film. ughhh! I've seen that crap. It's hard to work with and I bet I'll be too lazy to practice to become a pro at it.
Oh I don't know.. I just need to get my hands on an Instax soon for me to shut up, really.

Late night WK.

So a few weeks ago I bought a French-press; wanting to own one for MONTHSSSS! Not Bodum though since it's just too damn expensive for my logic.

Which then led me to want a coffee grinder. And after weeks of looking around I noticed that the only ones sold in KL are made by Krups and DeLonghi. I wanted one that was straight-forward.. nothing fancy.. Tried looking online but I was afraid of being disappointed so I settled for DeLonghi's yesterday.

The same day, I bought coffee beans from Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf; Java Espresso and the Caramel Vanilla because Encem shoved the bag to my nose and it smelled so damn nice!

Then we head home.. Picturing myself making a pot of coffee.. Taking a break from rearranging things in the new apartment.. Coaxing Encem to stop cleaning and have a cuppa with me..
And Encem broke my thoughts by saying; "we don't have a kettle.. So - no coffee.."

Damn it!!
Good thing we haven't reached home then.. Alif was driving us through the traffic so we made a detour to Carrefour!

Okay, so this story has nothing to do with WK -- but I promise you, I'm getting there!

The first thing I did when I got home was make a batch of caramel vanilla coffee.. And just now Encem requested for the espresso. SO! We are now at Marvina's Corner and watching the Espanol - Portugal match!

I don't like the crowd, by the way. The 10pm-match crowd are by far better than this. Which is why I am blogging -- instead of actually watching the game. Heh.

Oh, and at the moment, Encem's outside smoking.. And making friends with the guy that works here. Typical!

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Airplanes..

I expect myself to write about my SNY flights for my next entry while I wrote my last entry..

But all I could think and feel right now is how foreign I am at the moment.
And it's raining in this land..

I came home from flight yesterday seeing that a bunch of my things are already gone.. Moved.. Room empty except for my cluttered IKEA foldable table that I use as a dressing table. Bookshelf gone.. Dresser, gone..

Suppose I should commend Encem for doing a good job moving all those things out but all I'd felt was an intense hollow.
I was sad seeing everything gone. Encem wasn't around.. Home was just four walls with a roof.
It was a cold, empty shell and I couldn't help but feel a pang in the heart.

So I changed from my uniform, and packed the knick-knacks that was left behind.. And waited for Encem to get back.
We had dinner, moved the rest of our things with two trips.. And said goodbye to Green Avenue Condominium.

Hello, Arena Green Apartments.
I shouldn't complain since all my things are here.. And there's a balcony!
I should be excited about the balcony but all I could see in my head now is how dark and empty my bedroom in GAC looked as I walked past it through the hallway..
As it had looked the first day we moved in there..

The first day..
Before everything..
Before Encem and I was Encem and I..


Sure we're still together anyway.. But no more peeking from the bedroom window at the sound of the wheels of our trolley bags on the tiles..
No more Bestie calling our names from the hallway..
No more goodbyes to our friends from that bedroom window..
So I'm sad.
This land I'm in is foreign. The noises are foreign. And Encem is flying through Manila...

I need a hug..
And also a shower since I'll be flying to Dhaka in a few hours.. or maybe I should save that until I return in the morning? Hahahahahha!

Oh well.. I'm sad. That's all I have to say, really..

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If I marry..

As it is "normal" for one to be married some day..
I would imagine it would be for the "right" reasons;

Love..

For the most of it anyway.
To procreate would be a blessing, considering one would want to procreate with the person you love. I assume that it's a natural feeling.

Monetary stability is a bonus.
I wasn't brought up to depend on my future spouse in this area. In my head, when it comes to superficial matters, it is best to be independent.

But anyway, I hate thinking about marriage from those view points. To be honest, marriage seems a bit unnecessary to me so to be "lawfully" entwined as if I actually cared about it in the first place would require an excuse that is just as illogical or cannot be explained -- like "LOVE".

So..
It upsets me when I hear someone giving a reason to why they should marry.
It should just be about love.. That you can't imagine your days without her. That you want to always come home to her. And if a stupid license/paper would stop other people from nosing about how you spend your nights, then let's have it!

And not about what you can accomplish once you're married...
That is just.. Stupid.
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8:30am - 5:30pm

May I just say.. That I am bodily and soul, weren't made for office hours!
It's a nightmare, I swear to God!
A slow and aching nightmare!
I am more than glad that I'll be finishing my conversion class next week!!

2 weeks.. 5 exams.. My brain may be too old for study-books and my body is no longer accustomed to routines; such as waking up at the same time every single morning.
How can anyone do it.. I have no idea. I became even more lazier everyday!

Next Tuesday I'll be doing my first test-flight to Manila.. Wish me luck!
Exams don't scare me as much as the actual work does. You know how some people are book-smart while some are street-smart?
I am always worried of the social part of everything! Working in this line, getting along with everyone is crucial. And on the Airbus, you'll have SIX extra people that you need to get along with! Ughhh..
Scary..

Encem worried me today by failing one of the two exams we had.. sigh.. I hate how careless he gets sometimes.

I'm sleepy....
I'd wanted to type more but I can barely keep my eyes open anymore. So.. I'll catch you guys later..

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Let's say..

Kalau ada orang cakap kau BANGANG, kau SUKA ke kalau aku asyik ingatkan kau pasal tu?? Paling hebat, aku tak ingat pun kenapa orang tu panggil kau bangang!
Which is why aku asyik tanya kau jugak la kenapa orang tu panggil kau bangang. I don't know.. To get the story straight kot. Senang sket bila aku nak cita kat orang lain yang haritu ada orang panggil kau BANGANG!
Kan?
Aku dah takde idea sangat nak cita ape, so aku kenela cakap pasal kau dipanggil bangang haritu.

Thanks.
Thank you so much for understanding me oh so perfectly you idiot jerk!
Do not apologize when you don't even know why you're sorry. It's meaningless and absolutely pointless! So save your breath. I already hate you for this.

Fuck.

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Dear Boyfriend,

I hope you're enjoying your birthday with your precious sleep. As you should know, this is YOUR day after all and I really should let you do what you want.

I am trying my best not to be all too cranky with how the day is turning out. I'd wish we could spend the day together but I should let you do what ever that makes you happy, and yes, I understand the bit where you've missed waking up at what ever time perfectly.

Oh well, I should stop being too clingy anyway.

So, Happy Birthday.
Hope you'll enjoy the rest of your 24th year as well..

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If I could have one wish..

I'd like to see life without me in existence.

Would everyone be better off?
Do I really make a difference?

Sometimes I feel like I am the anchor to the lives of the people around me; the one person that manages to hold the ships stuck to one place.

Yeah... So I'm feeling low.
I want to be taken out of the equation. Just get lost and never return..

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I should be studying.

The conversion class is going pretty smoothly. Though I've been having trouble remembering what the acronyms actually stands for. Hence the need to study -- just in case there'll be those kinds of questions. Grrr.

I think I'm PMSing.. Mostly because I've been pretty easily upset these days. I mean let's face it, I'm not the chirpiest bird around but I'm not the kind who mopes around either. (I save those times for when I'm in my bed.)

I don't really have anything much to blog about but for the sake of distracting myself from actually reading my chocolate-brown manual, you'll just have to bear with me at this moment.

I think my memory is failing me even more than usual these days. Dida theorize that it may be the effects of my exposure to constant smokes.
Errr...
I do plan on quitting. When exactly, I don't know. I figured that I am surrounded by smokers anyway, it's going to be tough so I haven't bothered trying. Hahahaha!
Although I should have a stock of Taiwan's Marl-Lite at hand; since it's so light, I managed to slow down as smoking had lost its purpose -- as if there had been one!

Anyway... It's just something to do. Some people drink, I smoke. But perhaps I should take up drinking since I don't drive anyway..
Bahahhahahahahahaha!!!

Funny how I find myself wanting to explain why I said what I said to people whom don't know me well for fear of being misjudged.
And funny how I keep telling people, and myself that I don't give a rat's ass about what they think of me.
Even funnier is why I wanted to be accepted so badly sometimes -- so I could have an easy ride through life.

But honestly, if I can't say what I want to say.. but I say it anyway, and be misjudged by the people whom don't even know whether I was being serious or simply jesting.. I really shouldn't care of their thoughts of me.
The idea of me being someone else for the sake of superficial happiness.....
Ughhh!!
I can't continue ranting about this. Simply absurd.

So sometimes I'm nutty, sometimes I'm serious.. But most of the time I am just kooky. Love me more when I'm PMSing 'cause that's when I'm easily stuck in my own world. What ever I am at the moment.. I am worthy of love.

Sometimes I fear of being branded as having an "attitude problem", but I should be able to say my mind and so do others. Their failure to say it back is THEIR attitude problem!
Hahhahhahaha! Right?
I think I'm having a surge of abstract thoughts that I'm not sure if anything I've said even relates.
Oh well.. You'll live. Click 'Next blog' if you must.

My clouds are a light shade of gray.. I am in that phase where I am creating troubles in my mind.
I don't know.. Feels like Snow Patrol lyrics right now;

Those three words are said too much, they're not enough..

So I'm needy and clingy and what ever you may call me. I deserve to be loved anyway, so suck it!

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Looong weekend.

And not necessarily a good one.

I got three days off after a three days trip with one of the silliest set of crew I've ever had. They were so much fun, we'd wished that it hadn't been just a three days trip. Sad.

Anyway, been spending this past three days in Seremban.. Getting in touch with my family in a way.
But I've always been detached anyway so you can't make me feel any less awkward.

Izzati had lost a few teeth since I last saw her.. Farhana still has that healthy yet slightly worrying appetite.. And Aqilah managed to call me "Aney", which then followed by Dida saying; "roti telur satu!"
Sigh.

I'm bored..
And it's hot over here.
I miss my dark bedroom and its smell.
The door of our (mine and Dida) bedroom here just locked itself for however reason. Sucks big time.
And to top it off, I miss Encem though I probably shouldn't. After all, I'll get to see him everyday for the next three weeks since we're going to have our conversion class together.

Ughh.. Back to MAA. I have no idea how to wake up at the same time every single morning. Not anymore anyway. My body has gotten used to non-routines!
Traffic.. Sitting the whole day.. Same food in the cafeteria.. Ick!

Okay, I shouldn't complain too much. For all I know, I could be enjoying the time I'll be having!
Although, I wish it wouldn't be as long.. I like flying! And the allowances! Hahahaha!

Worries me a bit that I'm planning to move out at the end of this month. So many things to do before the month ends! And Encem's birthday is next weekend!!! Eeeep!!
Damn Gemini.. ughhh!

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BDO Millionaire

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S06E21

Dark and twisty again.
But maybe a little less compared to while I was PMSing. But still.. the way that I'd felt.. and still feel really, it's Season 6.. Episode 21.

I don't want to be afraid of what I can or cannot say.
And I don't want him to feel that way either.
But he doesn't seem to get it!
Seriously.
How can you imagine your life.. living with someone whom you're afraid to talk to for the rest of your life? Is that the person who he wants to marry??
Someone whom he can't bring himself to talk to for fear of hurting their feelings??
Am I such an unreasonable person to be frustrated with this?

I am.. inevitably miserable in this relationship.
But my life without him would suck just as bad without him around.
I don't know how I can win in this. We're like doing this crazy little dance that's only wearing us out. Or maybe we are bullfighting.. where he is the matador, and I am the bull who will eventually die in his hands.

He doesn't seem to get that.
He can't see what he's doing to me.
He won't see it.
And I don't know what else I can say to him.
I'm tired of talking. I've said too much.. while he doesn't say anything back.
I've been talking to a wall.
All day.. all night..

He tells me that I think too much. That I made myself the way that I am.
But the truth is.. this non-talking crap is only making me build a thicker wall around myself.
I am stranded.
And unsurprisingly, there is no one who will save me.

I have no one to talk to..
My best friend thinks that I'm too clingy.
My sister thinks that I should find another.
And I can't trust my own judgment 'coz honestly, all I want to do is die rather than feel my own heart ache.

My heart aches. Every single damn day.
Every freakin' second I look at him.
All we keep doing is avoiding. Well, he does that actually. I'm the bull that keeps charging. He avoids.. then pierces me with the sharp poles.

All the more reasons to make me think that I am not the one for him.
Obviously.
He won't talk to me.
So I don't know what we're doing anymore.
Waiting for either one of us to change perhaps.
But I think I'll bleed to death before that ever happens.

I don't expect love to be easy.
But I don't expect that I'd cry this much either..

Sedih hati aku memang kau tak pernah tahu

Let's pretend that this is just my hormones talking...

Sometimes it feels as if you're just a friend for fun, but never the friend in need.
Then I'd try my best to stop thinking that way because that only amplified my neediness. But is it so wrong to need you?

Maybe it is.
So can someone please teach me how to not need another person?


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Loneliness isn't funny.

So Encem said it..
It had seemed that I've become more needy the longer we are together..
I have a theory for that. Though I'm not sure if I want to blog about it..

Then a few days later, I made a comment about something and Bestie asked if I was PMSing.
Not exactly the theory I had in mind but I suppose that works too. Everything in life basically sucks even worse when I'm PMSing. Bloody hormones.

It irks me to think that I've never been 'homesick' even the slightest before this.
I've changed. I don't think that it has changed in a good way.

Sigh.
As Bestie had said it while we are driving along Shah Alam.. I need to stop being so clingy.
And he's right.


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Lazy Saturday.

I had a pretty okay week.
Monday and Tuesday off, and the rest three days of the weekdays were spent at the training school in Kelana Jaya.
So happens my licence were expiring next month so 'they' rostered me to renew it a month early.

I had the Crew Resource Management recurrent with Encem and Luqqy so it was just fine. A bit annoying actually.. What with Encem and his 'professionalism'. I don't think I like that one bit but I suppose I'll just flow with it for as long as I can take it. Perhaps one day he'll see me being totally unprofessional with other stewards and then he gets it.
I mean, seriously.. He could come off as cold sometimes! Professionalism, my ass!

Anyway, the CRM class was draggy but the captains who attended that session were a hoot! So fortunately, there were some parts where I was happily entertained -- the other parts just made me sleepy.

My Safety recurrent on Thursday and Friday were pretty much uneventful. But I loved spending my mornings and evenings with Bestie! Been a while since we last hung out so it was really nice. I'm glad that his conversion class is basically over so I'll get to see him more often again.
Oh and by the way, I passed my exam so I'm free to fly for another year!

And now it's Saturday -- a lazy Saturday since I'm staying home with no plans of going out what so ever. Encem left for a four-days trip and tomorrow I'll be flying to Kaohsiung. So I should rest. I like KHH.. I just wish that the flight wouldn't be sooo long.
Anyway, I hope there'll be someone who would want to go out with me and shop a little. heehee

'Til next time then, take care everyone!


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Must - not - cheat.

Not cheat per se..
Perhaps it would sound better to say that I musn't run.
'Cause that's what I do.
And in all 'fairness' I'd do something equally distracting but not quite to the same magnitude.

I'm tired..
Tired of being so angry all the time.
Tired of talking to walls.
Am I the only person on Earth who FEELS?? gahh!!

Somebody please rip my heart out.
I'll just shut down now.

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The Only Exception.

I have a request.
It isn't hard...

Could someone please let the fact that every little stupid thing I do are mostly for Encem into that thick head of his??
Alif? HELP!!

Imagine my frustration when I was trying my best to sing him that Paramore's song while playing the guitar.. And he decided to 'join' me by playing the drums on his computer!!
The asshole.

Trying to be romantic and sweet is futile with a child. I wonder why I even bothered.
It's like.. He deliberately refused to listen to what my heart is saying. With all the racket from that stupid drum beats.
Stupid!

And I can't talk to stupid right now.
Stupid, silly child.
I've really had enough of tears this week, please.

I'm feeling like that tiny satellite that's drifting away into the universe..


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Hey you..

***
"What is it? My dear?"
"Ah, how can we bear it?"
"Bear what?"
"This. For so short a time. How can we sleep this time away?"
"We can be quiet together, and pretend -- since it is only the beginning -- that we have all the time in the world."
"And every day we shall have less. And then none."
"Would you rather, therefore, have had nothing at all?"
"No. This is where I have always been coming to. Since my time began. And when I go away from here, this will be the mid-point, to which everything ran, before, and from which everything will run. But now, my love, we are here, we are now, and those other times are running elsewhere."
***
-- A. S. Byatt, Possession

And so I thought of you...

Encem bought me The Time Traveller's Wife.. Why? I'm not sure. I can't help but guess that it was out of guilt. He probably felt bad for the way I've been feeling recently so he decided to get me something, and knowing me.. A book would be perfect.
And being almost-perfect, he got me THAT book.

I'm loving the read so far.
But I keep relating Encem to Henry when they are not exactly alike.. Not genetically anyway.
I can't be quite sure whether they are really similar or I'm just hoping that Encem loves me as much as Henry loves Clare..

I do hope that his world revolves around me but the truth is he's the world and I'm the tiny satellite that floats around him.

Which is probably the biggest reason why it's so easy for me to get upset by him. As my feelings for him are intense, any little-wrong thing he does intensifies. It's a win-lose situation really..
The hazards of being in love with someone who knows not of moderation or middle grounds. He has to put up with my 'nothing or everything' crap every single day.

Though everytime somebody plants a seed of suspicion towards him I'd respond with nonchalant, saying that I would have no trouble leaving.. I know that I would leave feeling devastated.

So what's the point of this entry?
I don't know... Maybe to tell you that I'm very much still in a relationship. (Hafiz! LOL) Maybe to tell you that I'm still all clouds even when in love. Maybe to tell Encem that I'm a sucker for his love. That no matter who I'm having lunch or dinner with, it's still him that I think about. Or maybe the damn novel is simply turning me into a bigger mush than I already am.

What ever the real point is, I can't help myself from thinking about Henry and Clare...

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Fucking frustrated!

God I hope I won't always feel this way.
I am so tired of feeling tired, it'd be the death of me.

I can't keep reaching out into nothingness. I can't keep having my heart stabbed again and again.
I can't keep expecting you to come by and save me.
I just can't keep waiting.

And I can't seem to talk to you, which is the hardest and most painful thing about this part.
I can't talk to you 'cause I simply don't know how. And it hurts me so to have a bunch of things to tell you but not being able to convey what I really mean.

I'm tired.. And I'm sad..
But you don't seem to get it.
So I give up.
I give up trying when I don't see you even trying to give a damn.
So I give up.
I'm giving up on writing too.
Nothing personal from now on because I am just too freakin' tired making a fool of myself..

Your ignorance is your bliss alone and how lucky you are to not see the hell that I'm living in.


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Me and my heart

..we got issues.

Sometimes I don't think I know what I want.
You know that quote; the person who makes you cry is also the person who makes you smile..

Yeah.. Fuck the asshole that made me smile in the first place. I should be left to myself being numb.
If the person is going to make you cry anyway, why bother making you smile really?
It's annoying.

mmph.. You should know that I only meant those half-heartedly. I'm annoyed. I don't know.. Seems like it's all I am these days.

Q: How would you describe Wanie?
A: Annoyed.

Of course 'the person' is only capable to make you cry because he/she meant something in your life.. a somebody. Hence the reason the person would know what would make you smile.. yack yack yack

I suppose you could expect a more frequent blog update from now on.. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad one.

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Blogging mobile.

Just testing this out :)

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I am sad..

Got called up to Miri at 3:11 am yesterday..
I was happy to see that Puyen was one of the crews in the set.
Even when the leading gave my working position as a "galley steward", I was fine knowing that my sifu was there. Fine and calm.
A bit excited even!
Honestly, this set of crews are one crazy bunch.
Loads of fun.


But now that they've all gone to their room and their beds.. I can't help feeling sad over the fact that here I am.. by myself.. sleepless.

Yeah, I'm lonely.. and feeling mighty insignificant to the person who is significant to me.
Not that he's done anything wrong, I know that.
But I can't keep feeling this way sometimes.
I know that I ask a lot sometimes. But I really just can't help it.

I wish I could help it.

Marriage.

Honestly I can't talk about the subject without making a face.
When I'm with my dad, I'd get all excited and cheeky just to tease him.
When I'm with boyfriend.. total disgust. Okay, not every single time I did that. Maybe seven out of ten. hehe

Suppose I still feel so.. small, to actually care for someone. Of course, when I say "small" I wasn't referring to my size but my emotional capacity to care for anyone else but myself.
ughh.. I keep having mixed feelings about the idea of committing. Perhaps it's just how I was made. I love the idea of marriage as I love to romanticize things, but to be actually in it is a whole different thing.
If it were up to me, couplehood, here we goooo! bahahhahaha!!

What if I realized somewhere along the years that I made a mistake?
What if HE realizes that he'd made a mistake??
What if I was blissfully unaware of his indifference towards "us" until the day that he decides to call it quits?
gah! I'm scaring myself again.

But my point is.. I don't like to settle (and refuse to) and I wouldn't want my partner to settle with me either if he knows it in his guts that somewhere out there.. the perfect person for him is sitting in a park.. waiting for him to walk by.

The idea is just.. sad.
I don't want either of us to be too quick to jump into conclusion and settle.. then ended up being too late to pursue our true soulmate.
blah.
I blame boyfriend for telling me the story of a girl he waited for before we knew each other. I guess even after 9 months, I can't quite shake off from wondering; "what if?"
What if one day they bumped into each other in a supermarket?
What if she got on a plane while he was working?
Does she ever cross his mind?

Yeah.. well.. I'm hormonal. I have an excuse for making a fool of myself.
ughh.. I need to get to Bukit Jalil soon so I can have Encem distract me from saddening thoughts. blah.

Being "high maintenance".

Remember TJ and his odd theories on girls?
Well, it's becoming less and less odd.

Suppose I could put myself in the third category.
I've been having posting crazy tweets recently and it's all thanks to Encem, really. I've been so crazy that I'd accidentally sent a crazily emotional text that was meant for him to my brother in law instead. Stupid silly phone.
I've been crazy. Fullstop.

Should've known that I was PMSing.
I get crazily depressed when I'm pre-menstruating.
Of course I don't *just* blame myself since he *did* stroke a nerve at some point but I get the blame for being all dramatic and taking things too hard.
sigh.
I wish I could say that I am a low maintenance gal, but that would be a lie.
I need my guy to spend as much time that he can with me. I am that needy.

I'm down with a flu.
Not a great thing to get when you're rostered for standby from 3am to 11am. That's the busiest standby slot, really. Lots of flights going out in the morning. I took my second MC yesterday.
Two MCs in the course of one whole year with the company. *pats back*
I am proud of myself. A little saddened by the MCs to be honest, but still proud. I've been committed to work-life for a whole year.
Been friends with my current friends for a whole year. And they've been good to me.
I am thankful for all these blessings. Yes, I do consider them as blessings even as I whine about them.
I've been lucky.

Plus, I have an amazing support system that comes in the form of my family. My sisters especially. Though they speak the ugly truths sometimes but most times, it's what I need.
Can't keep having my head floating in the clouds with my eyes on the stars.
They really do hold my feet firm on the ground.
And, Dida got me my Blackberry. hahahhaha! Well, she didn't buy it for me per se as I promised to fully pay her back in time. But thanks to her, I have no crazy "wants" at the moment. No distractions.

Anyway, I should take my meds and head to sleep. I need this runny nose to go away before tomorrow night.
So goodnight, dear readers.

5 Things..

1. turning senile
2. feeling unaccomplished
3. to be truly alone
4. to be lied to/cheated
5. being pregnant when I am not prepared

The five things that I am most scared of at this moment.
To be honest, number FOUR is the one thing that I am most scared of at this very moment.
I am.. so damn scared of this for some reason.

I suppose I've been having some crazy thoughts lately. There is no reason for it, really. It's just crazy thoughts.
I guess I've been reminding myself to not count the chicks before the eggs hatch.
I've been.. comfortable, if I may say so myself.
Too comfortable that it got me nervous.
You can't teach old dogs new tricks.
And I have spend all my life having my guard up all the time. So I am scared now.

Scared shitless.

Alright, I don't really want to talk about this. Really.. I don't really know what to talk about it. It's no fun to be scared by a possibility.
Stupid.

Anyway, you know what's one more thing I'm scared of lately?
The aircraft just about to land. Few weeks ago I experienced a pretty bad landing, where it bumped real bad.. I guess it's giving me some kind of a trauma. It didn't exactly hurt or anything like that.. My entire life didn't flash by in a matter of seconds..
But I was shocked. Just wasn't expecting that bad bump. Hated it. I really hated it.
I hate not being prepared.

Harroo!

It's been a while.
So here's what's been happening since I last blogged;

Dida, Awif, Encem and I went to the Formula 1 Grand Prix in Sepang..
Where Schumy waved at us when he had to retire from the race because something went wrong with his car.


I've been to Medan (just the airport, of course!) where the catering people there sells food items like their local fruit, peanuts, kek lapis, nasi padang, guava.. I ended up spending RM40 there. RM40 during a transit time that was less than an hour!! Really.. that was one heavy spending.
Other airports I've been to were Penang, Alor Setar, Langkawi, Kuching, Miri and Terengganu.
Yes, I'm a frequent traveller. *cringes*

My body has been aching for a good long rest.
Today is another ONE off day. Then I have another four straight days of work.. aaand.. THREE DAYS OFF! God knows how much I've been looking forward to that day. I promised myself that I would sleep for as long as I can manage. heehee.

The one you want.

A cat is a cat is a cat.

I have this belief that when you want something, you will go and get it.
Doesn't matter what you have to go through to get it; when there is a will, there is a way.
But that's exactly what it comes down to.
Your will.
Nak tak nak je.

Even if there is fate, YOU are always the one who controls your steps; the paths you lead.

So.
I'm just saying.. if you want something, you'll do everything that you possibly can to have it. But I am not seeing it.
So I am getting a little worked up over it and beginning to feel sad.

I don't ask for a detailed plan here, babe. I just need a rough idea.
Let me in on that rough idea please.

I want what I want what I want.

Tired.

There comes a time when you can do nothing else but sit down and feel sad from tiredness.
Tired from work.
Tired from emotional stress for just having the same old arguments.. yet again.
Tired from not sleeping in your own bed for the past three nights.. (Not counting tonight as I am still in BKI.)

I am having one of the best times on this trip though. I have the wackiest set crew I've ever flown with, it's just awesome -- work trip wise.


But the sectors are crazy.
I can't wait to be home.
I'm already planning for the weekends.. (waxing on Saturday and F1 on Sunday? yippee!) I need to coax my sister into joining me for that Saturday thing though.

Emotional wise though.. I am starting to feel like I am not worth the fight again.
Seems like all the boys that had ever wanted me just didn't want me enough to fight for me.
Whenever an IDEA of another guy comes into the picture, they would.. be FINE with it if the man could make me happy. It's a stupid excuse, really. They'd be upset, yes. But never upset enough to throw a tantrum or be mad with the passion to make me stay.

Just note, boys. Girls wants to feel wanted.
That's why we like the 'big gestures'. We need to know just how badly you guys wanted us. Not need us, but a big.. desperate.. WANT. (Because to 'need' means that you have no choice but to have it. To 'want' would mean that you CHOOSE something over the other. That's how I see it anyway.)

To quote Cheryl Cole; "if it's worth having, it's worth fighting for."
I am fighting for my freakin' life every single day (except for the moments when I light up a cigarette though. haha!) but benda bangang macam ni always makes me feel like NOTHING is ever worth it.
No point to life, you know.

Or perhaps I am just not bright enough to shine in your spaces..

Hello, KCH..

So we meet again.

The last time I was here (the crew room), I was shouting like a mad woman to Huda and Jeffrey about the crazy tag-team thing they had going on while playing Monopoly.
That was fun.

Anyway, today's the first day of my 5-days trip. Three nights in Kuching, the final night in Kota Kinabalu. Crazy sectors are coming up so I better not let myself stay up way past midnight.

I was reading Coelho's Like The Flowing River on the way up here and one of his little thoughts/stories caught my attention like it had been the first time I read it. (I tend to forget things..)
I should read that bit more often.
Perhaps I'll share it with you in my next post. (Maybe tomorrow.. just maybe.)

Boyfriend is in CGK and naturally, no text.
I'd love nothing more than to text him first had he been the kind of person who would actually reply them, but he's not. Not when I expect him to anyway, so I choose not to text him at all -- until he does.

Sometimes I feel like I'm having a conditional love.
I've set rules of things not to do with him.
I don't feel that it's right but it's self-preservation, really.
I'm simply trying not to feel like I'm having an unrequited love instead.
I know.. I get too sensitive and emotional sometimes. But that's just how I feel.
To love a person so much that you don't know how to love them any less.
I don't want to get burned when my heart is as full.

Not that I forget or didn't notice the little things he does for me; supper way past midnight, tending to me when I'm feeling under the weather..
Those were never "little" to me, really.
But you know how we, human, gets. Despite the ability to observe and absorb everything, we only see what we want to see.
And while we are apart from each other.. My brain can't focus on anything else than;
NO TEXT!

So yesterday I had a rendezvous with Ablen and Ana. Bahijah and Dar were a no-show. I don't know how I feel about that but I'm not going to bother myself with that.. for now. heh.
But seeing my old friends again was nice. We agreed that the last time we all hung out were about two years ago. TWO freakin' YEARS!! Took us a while to warm up to each other though, which I thought was funny. A tad awkward and you just don't know what exactly to say to the other two persons.
Kinda like a first date!
Anyway, it turned out alright and I had a good time.
It was good seeing you both, Ablen and Ana! ♥ Yet another all-Sags day out, yeah?

Alright. Lets hope that I'll have a nice work-trip, yeah?
One without excessive spending, hopefully.
I keep having these urges to spend, spend and spend and I can't help wondering if my subconscious is actually trying to tell me something, rather than some typical excuse that I tell myself to make myself feel better about spending. hahahhaha!

Have a good week, dear readers!
I'll be back in town come Friday.