Projectile vomit from PNH.

Thankfully, it wasn't my set of crew who was on board..
But it was unfortunate for us to be the ones taking over the aircraft.
It was last Tuesday, and the flight to DPS was using the aircraft that has just gotten back from PNH.. Max was doing that flight. Poor boy, had to spend his birthday with the smell of vomit in the cabin.
I pity the cleaning lady too, who were in sweats when I came into the cabin. You know, it's times like those when you're thankful that you're not working for the other company. At least us; crews, doesn't have to deal with things that could be dealt by the cleaners on ground.
Small yay for my company.

Work has been.. extremely tiring lately.
Maybe I'm just getting old.. haha! But one too many daily flights does wear one out.. and that's just exactly what I've been doing lately -- one too many flights. ughhh!
I reckon I will be just as tired as I am right now next month.. Hopefully the money will be good, yeah?

Now, life on the other hand..
Nothing much to talk about in the area. I suppose there isn't much going on since I haven't had much of that. I don't even have the convenience of seeing my outsider friends. All the people I see these days are cabin crews. Friends, of course! Good friends even. But not old friends..
Alia asked if I wanted to come along to PD last week but I had to decline because I had to work.
I haven't seen Arep in a while either.
I can't even remember the last time I saw Ana..
Good thing Bahijah tweets. At least if I don't get to see her as much as I'd like, I still get to know what's going on with her life.
I'm not bored of my job just yet, but I am bored of talking about it..
The misfortune of hanging around crews all the time; our job is always the top most topic.. and I'm getting really weary of that. Some days I even get sick to my stomach, listening about it.. but most times it just gives me a headache.

Suppose you could say that that is the main reason why there hasn't been much update to this blog. Even when I do have internet access.. I don't really want to write about my work.
What I do for a living does not define who I really am.
Sure, it has something to do with what I like; travelling, to not be bored by mundane things as to work with the same people or go to the same office every single day.. Stability in that area is not needed for someone like me.
But that is not my LIFE.

So unfortunately.. I don't really have a life.
Nothing new is going on with me. Nina's pregnant, but again.. that is not MY life. What is my life is the sad part where Nina is pregnant and I don't even see much of my nieces these days. I wonder if Aqilah still remembers me. I wonder if Farhana still smothers her with kisses. Izzati is in standard one and all I heard were stories from Dida and my parents or Nina through the phone. It's just sad.
What's more sad is how little I bothered about these things most days. Really.. most days I could go on without having a single thought about my family.
This is not how I want to BE as a human being.
I wish I am more caring.. but I don't know why or how I got to be this.. detached.

Someone said to me that Sagittarians are hard to please. I don't know about the general Sags, but as for me it is true.. I don't know why is that. Perhaps I'm just looking for perfection.. or something close to it.
But what is perfect? I don't even know..
But I know what isn't perfect. And this thing that I have right now.. it's exactly just that.

I only recently saw Sex And The City The Movie.. Feels like I relate most to Samantha.. the bit where she said she loves herself more.. bah!
I'm horrible. I don't even like myself that much..
So I'm absolutely confused.. and imperfect.

If I could quit love..

sigh.
Would life be simpler?
Perhaps.. in some way or another.

Why do human beings have to be co-dependent anyway?

bah!
I am in an all round bad mood.
Lack of sleep.. period.. and stupid flights does that to me.
So never mind me and my crappy rants.
They are just that.. rants.

Hope you'll have a good weekend..
Hope that heart aches and heart breaks never come your way.
And that all your confusions dissolves..

Dear Universe, I lose again..

I have lost the ability to speak. Not a word pass through my lips but my tears can't seem to stop pouring.

What can you say, honestly?
I am stuck in the middle of what's right and what I need.
I shouldn't be this selfish but I really can't imagine carrying on feeling worse off than I am now.

I am not fine. And I will never be fine as I don't even know how to be fine anymore, so stop asking.
Stop caring too.
Just stop before it hurts even worse.

I wish it wasn't so..

I feel wretched.
By myself.
Ever feel that way? A pure wretchedness, total disgust of whom you have become.

To have wanted something else; a whole different idea, an expectation, even.. That you are better than this.
But you are not.
I - am NOT.

I don't know what else to say. I am greatly disappointed and at the same time I am sad. There is no such thing as a win-win situation in my book but there is definitely a lose-lose situation..

Still with flu.

Using the wifi in Opah, Bukit Jalil.
Dinner with Encem, Bestie, Luqqy, Finaz and Ajan.

Can you sense that I have nothing much to update?
Anyway, I'm still suffering with flu.
The pressure was so great earlier during flight, I swear something inside my head 'popped'.. I kinda expect myself to fall right there in the cabin -- but I didn't, THANK GOD!
The idea of actually falling on the floor of that cabin.. eww!

So.. my battery's dying..
'Til next time then!

Work gave me flu!

rawr!
I am in BKI now and having absolutely NO IDEA how to make my flu go away! It's annoying, I tell you. Of all the days to start getting sick, the flu chose THIS day! The first of my four days straight of work.
While I'm night-stopping, even!
So I'm coming home tomorrow (when there's no one to take care of me 'coz Encem will be in TPE) and then I have a layover in Kuantan.
Seriously.
Stupid roster gave me stupid flu.
Feels like all I ever do these days is get sick. And I really do blame my crazy roster. Testing my immune system again and again.
So hopefully I won't be too sick to work three sectors tomorrow. I know I'm going to head to bed early tonight and I'm counting on the flu meds to make that happen. haha!

I am starting to feel the lack-of-life since I've started to become a cabin crew. Crazy rosters.. and days off spent inside for a much needed rest. When I actually do gamble and go out, I end up getting sick..
Seriously.. my body needs to toughen up!
Especially since I am more likely to gamble with my rest hours -- which ended up getting me sick. hahahhaha!

If only I had been more homey.
But if I were, I wouldn't have thought of joining the airline in the first place!

Anyway, do you know that our body can only recognize ONE pain at a time? That's what I heard from somewhere anyway.
So I'm not sure if I'm all over the alone-ness I've been feeling lately, but I know that I can't think about that right now since my runny nose is bugging me so much!

Loved ones makes you cry.

They always do.
'Cause only they know how..


B: trust me darling.. you'd be in a sea of people and still feel alone


Great. That's just.. great.
Kinda beats the point of having anyone to love at all, right?
So who wants to bet that I'd feel excruciatingly alone this Valentine's?

Take my mind off.

I've been a bit troubled lately.
One that is really best described as "it's not you, it's me.."
Because really, there is noone else to be blamed but me. Even then I can't apologize to myself because I have no way of fixing my general makeup flaws.

Bestie's been asking me if I'm alright and I told him that I was fine.
How are you supposed to answer that question anyway?
If being honest requires you to explain something unfathomable to your own mind..

So I'm condemned for life.
What ever I did in my past life has made God punish me with a restless soul.

And my sister thought that I should look for someone older to take care of me.
Which made me sad.
Sure, we have that unspoken agreement that we can say anything honestly.. but that doesn't stop me from having unwanted feelings from her words.
But that's just the way she feels apparently -- that I need somebody mature to keep my feelings in check.
Sad.

So lets say that I actually end up with someone mature who keeps my feelings in check constantly yet I still find myself empty, lonely and ultimately cannot be saved. What then?
Proves the fact that I will be alone for the rest of my life?
Sure I've considered that happening but do I want proof? Truth is fine, but there are some things that I'd rather not know.
It's just sad.
I'm sad.

I'm restless and I can't help but wonder if there's a pill that I can take to make it go away.
Shit. My head's a mess.
And I'm getting really really tired..