Fucking frustrated!

God I hope I won't always feel this way.
I am so tired of feeling tired, it'd be the death of me.

I can't keep reaching out into nothingness. I can't keep having my heart stabbed again and again.
I can't keep expecting you to come by and save me.
I just can't keep waiting.

And I can't seem to talk to you, which is the hardest and most painful thing about this part.
I can't talk to you 'cause I simply don't know how. And it hurts me so to have a bunch of things to tell you but not being able to convey what I really mean.

I'm tired.. And I'm sad..
But you don't seem to get it.
So I give up.
I give up trying when I don't see you even trying to give a damn.
So I give up.
I'm giving up on writing too.
Nothing personal from now on because I am just too freakin' tired making a fool of myself..

Your ignorance is your bliss alone and how lucky you are to not see the hell that I'm living in.


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Me and my heart

..we got issues.

Sometimes I don't think I know what I want.
You know that quote; the person who makes you cry is also the person who makes you smile..

Yeah.. Fuck the asshole that made me smile in the first place. I should be left to myself being numb.
If the person is going to make you cry anyway, why bother making you smile really?
It's annoying.

mmph.. You should know that I only meant those half-heartedly. I'm annoyed. I don't know.. Seems like it's all I am these days.

Q: How would you describe Wanie?
A: Annoyed.

Of course 'the person' is only capable to make you cry because he/she meant something in your life.. a somebody. Hence the reason the person would know what would make you smile.. yack yack yack

I suppose you could expect a more frequent blog update from now on.. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad one.

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Blogging mobile.

Just testing this out :)

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I am sad..

Got called up to Miri at 3:11 am yesterday..
I was happy to see that Puyen was one of the crews in the set.
Even when the leading gave my working position as a "galley steward", I was fine knowing that my sifu was there. Fine and calm.
A bit excited even!
Honestly, this set of crews are one crazy bunch.
Loads of fun.


But now that they've all gone to their room and their beds.. I can't help feeling sad over the fact that here I am.. by myself.. sleepless.

Yeah, I'm lonely.. and feeling mighty insignificant to the person who is significant to me.
Not that he's done anything wrong, I know that.
But I can't keep feeling this way sometimes.
I know that I ask a lot sometimes. But I really just can't help it.

I wish I could help it.

Marriage.

Honestly I can't talk about the subject without making a face.
When I'm with my dad, I'd get all excited and cheeky just to tease him.
When I'm with boyfriend.. total disgust. Okay, not every single time I did that. Maybe seven out of ten. hehe

Suppose I still feel so.. small, to actually care for someone. Of course, when I say "small" I wasn't referring to my size but my emotional capacity to care for anyone else but myself.
ughh.. I keep having mixed feelings about the idea of committing. Perhaps it's just how I was made. I love the idea of marriage as I love to romanticize things, but to be actually in it is a whole different thing.
If it were up to me, couplehood, here we goooo! bahahhahaha!!

What if I realized somewhere along the years that I made a mistake?
What if HE realizes that he'd made a mistake??
What if I was blissfully unaware of his indifference towards "us" until the day that he decides to call it quits?
gah! I'm scaring myself again.

But my point is.. I don't like to settle (and refuse to) and I wouldn't want my partner to settle with me either if he knows it in his guts that somewhere out there.. the perfect person for him is sitting in a park.. waiting for him to walk by.

The idea is just.. sad.
I don't want either of us to be too quick to jump into conclusion and settle.. then ended up being too late to pursue our true soulmate.
blah.
I blame boyfriend for telling me the story of a girl he waited for before we knew each other. I guess even after 9 months, I can't quite shake off from wondering; "what if?"
What if one day they bumped into each other in a supermarket?
What if she got on a plane while he was working?
Does she ever cross his mind?

Yeah.. well.. I'm hormonal. I have an excuse for making a fool of myself.
ughh.. I need to get to Bukit Jalil soon so I can have Encem distract me from saddening thoughts. blah.

Being "high maintenance".

Remember TJ and his odd theories on girls?
Well, it's becoming less and less odd.

Suppose I could put myself in the third category.
I've been having posting crazy tweets recently and it's all thanks to Encem, really. I've been so crazy that I'd accidentally sent a crazily emotional text that was meant for him to my brother in law instead. Stupid silly phone.
I've been crazy. Fullstop.

Should've known that I was PMSing.
I get crazily depressed when I'm pre-menstruating.
Of course I don't *just* blame myself since he *did* stroke a nerve at some point but I get the blame for being all dramatic and taking things too hard.
sigh.
I wish I could say that I am a low maintenance gal, but that would be a lie.
I need my guy to spend as much time that he can with me. I am that needy.

I'm down with a flu.
Not a great thing to get when you're rostered for standby from 3am to 11am. That's the busiest standby slot, really. Lots of flights going out in the morning. I took my second MC yesterday.
Two MCs in the course of one whole year with the company. *pats back*
I am proud of myself. A little saddened by the MCs to be honest, but still proud. I've been committed to work-life for a whole year.
Been friends with my current friends for a whole year. And they've been good to me.
I am thankful for all these blessings. Yes, I do consider them as blessings even as I whine about them.
I've been lucky.

Plus, I have an amazing support system that comes in the form of my family. My sisters especially. Though they speak the ugly truths sometimes but most times, it's what I need.
Can't keep having my head floating in the clouds with my eyes on the stars.
They really do hold my feet firm on the ground.
And, Dida got me my Blackberry. hahahhaha! Well, she didn't buy it for me per se as I promised to fully pay her back in time. But thanks to her, I have no crazy "wants" at the moment. No distractions.

Anyway, I should take my meds and head to sleep. I need this runny nose to go away before tomorrow night.
So goodnight, dear readers.

5 Things..

1. turning senile
2. feeling unaccomplished
3. to be truly alone
4. to be lied to/cheated
5. being pregnant when I am not prepared

The five things that I am most scared of at this moment.
To be honest, number FOUR is the one thing that I am most scared of at this very moment.
I am.. so damn scared of this for some reason.

I suppose I've been having some crazy thoughts lately. There is no reason for it, really. It's just crazy thoughts.
I guess I've been reminding myself to not count the chicks before the eggs hatch.
I've been.. comfortable, if I may say so myself.
Too comfortable that it got me nervous.
You can't teach old dogs new tricks.
And I have spend all my life having my guard up all the time. So I am scared now.

Scared shitless.

Alright, I don't really want to talk about this. Really.. I don't really know what to talk about it. It's no fun to be scared by a possibility.
Stupid.

Anyway, you know what's one more thing I'm scared of lately?
The aircraft just about to land. Few weeks ago I experienced a pretty bad landing, where it bumped real bad.. I guess it's giving me some kind of a trauma. It didn't exactly hurt or anything like that.. My entire life didn't flash by in a matter of seconds..
But I was shocked. Just wasn't expecting that bad bump. Hated it. I really hated it.
I hate not being prepared.

Harroo!

It's been a while.
So here's what's been happening since I last blogged;

Dida, Awif, Encem and I went to the Formula 1 Grand Prix in Sepang..
Where Schumy waved at us when he had to retire from the race because something went wrong with his car.


I've been to Medan (just the airport, of course!) where the catering people there sells food items like their local fruit, peanuts, kek lapis, nasi padang, guava.. I ended up spending RM40 there. RM40 during a transit time that was less than an hour!! Really.. that was one heavy spending.
Other airports I've been to were Penang, Alor Setar, Langkawi, Kuching, Miri and Terengganu.
Yes, I'm a frequent traveller. *cringes*

My body has been aching for a good long rest.
Today is another ONE off day. Then I have another four straight days of work.. aaand.. THREE DAYS OFF! God knows how much I've been looking forward to that day. I promised myself that I would sleep for as long as I can manage. heehee.

The one you want.

A cat is a cat is a cat.

I have this belief that when you want something, you will go and get it.
Doesn't matter what you have to go through to get it; when there is a will, there is a way.
But that's exactly what it comes down to.
Your will.
Nak tak nak je.

Even if there is fate, YOU are always the one who controls your steps; the paths you lead.

So.
I'm just saying.. if you want something, you'll do everything that you possibly can to have it. But I am not seeing it.
So I am getting a little worked up over it and beginning to feel sad.

I don't ask for a detailed plan here, babe. I just need a rough idea.
Let me in on that rough idea please.

I want what I want what I want.

Tired.

There comes a time when you can do nothing else but sit down and feel sad from tiredness.
Tired from work.
Tired from emotional stress for just having the same old arguments.. yet again.
Tired from not sleeping in your own bed for the past three nights.. (Not counting tonight as I am still in BKI.)

I am having one of the best times on this trip though. I have the wackiest set crew I've ever flown with, it's just awesome -- work trip wise.


But the sectors are crazy.
I can't wait to be home.
I'm already planning for the weekends.. (waxing on Saturday and F1 on Sunday? yippee!) I need to coax my sister into joining me for that Saturday thing though.

Emotional wise though.. I am starting to feel like I am not worth the fight again.
Seems like all the boys that had ever wanted me just didn't want me enough to fight for me.
Whenever an IDEA of another guy comes into the picture, they would.. be FINE with it if the man could make me happy. It's a stupid excuse, really. They'd be upset, yes. But never upset enough to throw a tantrum or be mad with the passion to make me stay.

Just note, boys. Girls wants to feel wanted.
That's why we like the 'big gestures'. We need to know just how badly you guys wanted us. Not need us, but a big.. desperate.. WANT. (Because to 'need' means that you have no choice but to have it. To 'want' would mean that you CHOOSE something over the other. That's how I see it anyway.)

To quote Cheryl Cole; "if it's worth having, it's worth fighting for."
I am fighting for my freakin' life every single day (except for the moments when I light up a cigarette though. haha!) but benda bangang macam ni always makes me feel like NOTHING is ever worth it.
No point to life, you know.

Or perhaps I am just not bright enough to shine in your spaces..