BDO Millionaire

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S06E21

Dark and twisty again.
But maybe a little less compared to while I was PMSing. But still.. the way that I'd felt.. and still feel really, it's Season 6.. Episode 21.

I don't want to be afraid of what I can or cannot say.
And I don't want him to feel that way either.
But he doesn't seem to get it!
Seriously.
How can you imagine your life.. living with someone whom you're afraid to talk to for the rest of your life? Is that the person who he wants to marry??
Someone whom he can't bring himself to talk to for fear of hurting their feelings??
Am I such an unreasonable person to be frustrated with this?

I am.. inevitably miserable in this relationship.
But my life without him would suck just as bad without him around.
I don't know how I can win in this. We're like doing this crazy little dance that's only wearing us out. Or maybe we are bullfighting.. where he is the matador, and I am the bull who will eventually die in his hands.

He doesn't seem to get that.
He can't see what he's doing to me.
He won't see it.
And I don't know what else I can say to him.
I'm tired of talking. I've said too much.. while he doesn't say anything back.
I've been talking to a wall.
All day.. all night..

He tells me that I think too much. That I made myself the way that I am.
But the truth is.. this non-talking crap is only making me build a thicker wall around myself.
I am stranded.
And unsurprisingly, there is no one who will save me.

I have no one to talk to..
My best friend thinks that I'm too clingy.
My sister thinks that I should find another.
And I can't trust my own judgment 'coz honestly, all I want to do is die rather than feel my own heart ache.

My heart aches. Every single damn day.
Every freakin' second I look at him.
All we keep doing is avoiding. Well, he does that actually. I'm the bull that keeps charging. He avoids.. then pierces me with the sharp poles.

All the more reasons to make me think that I am not the one for him.
Obviously.
He won't talk to me.
So I don't know what we're doing anymore.
Waiting for either one of us to change perhaps.
But I think I'll bleed to death before that ever happens.

I don't expect love to be easy.
But I don't expect that I'd cry this much either..

Sedih hati aku memang kau tak pernah tahu

Let's pretend that this is just my hormones talking...

Sometimes it feels as if you're just a friend for fun, but never the friend in need.
Then I'd try my best to stop thinking that way because that only amplified my neediness. But is it so wrong to need you?

Maybe it is.
So can someone please teach me how to not need another person?


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Loneliness isn't funny.

So Encem said it..
It had seemed that I've become more needy the longer we are together..
I have a theory for that. Though I'm not sure if I want to blog about it..

Then a few days later, I made a comment about something and Bestie asked if I was PMSing.
Not exactly the theory I had in mind but I suppose that works too. Everything in life basically sucks even worse when I'm PMSing. Bloody hormones.

It irks me to think that I've never been 'homesick' even the slightest before this.
I've changed. I don't think that it has changed in a good way.

Sigh.
As Bestie had said it while we are driving along Shah Alam.. I need to stop being so clingy.
And he's right.


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Lazy Saturday.

I had a pretty okay week.
Monday and Tuesday off, and the rest three days of the weekdays were spent at the training school in Kelana Jaya.
So happens my licence were expiring next month so 'they' rostered me to renew it a month early.

I had the Crew Resource Management recurrent with Encem and Luqqy so it was just fine. A bit annoying actually.. What with Encem and his 'professionalism'. I don't think I like that one bit but I suppose I'll just flow with it for as long as I can take it. Perhaps one day he'll see me being totally unprofessional with other stewards and then he gets it.
I mean, seriously.. He could come off as cold sometimes! Professionalism, my ass!

Anyway, the CRM class was draggy but the captains who attended that session were a hoot! So fortunately, there were some parts where I was happily entertained -- the other parts just made me sleepy.

My Safety recurrent on Thursday and Friday were pretty much uneventful. But I loved spending my mornings and evenings with Bestie! Been a while since we last hung out so it was really nice. I'm glad that his conversion class is basically over so I'll get to see him more often again.
Oh and by the way, I passed my exam so I'm free to fly for another year!

And now it's Saturday -- a lazy Saturday since I'm staying home with no plans of going out what so ever. Encem left for a four-days trip and tomorrow I'll be flying to Kaohsiung. So I should rest. I like KHH.. I just wish that the flight wouldn't be sooo long.
Anyway, I hope there'll be someone who would want to go out with me and shop a little. heehee

'Til next time then, take care everyone!


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Must - not - cheat.

Not cheat per se..
Perhaps it would sound better to say that I musn't run.
'Cause that's what I do.
And in all 'fairness' I'd do something equally distracting but not quite to the same magnitude.

I'm tired..
Tired of being so angry all the time.
Tired of talking to walls.
Am I the only person on Earth who FEELS?? gahh!!

Somebody please rip my heart out.
I'll just shut down now.

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The Only Exception.

I have a request.
It isn't hard...

Could someone please let the fact that every little stupid thing I do are mostly for Encem into that thick head of his??
Alif? HELP!!

Imagine my frustration when I was trying my best to sing him that Paramore's song while playing the guitar.. And he decided to 'join' me by playing the drums on his computer!!
The asshole.

Trying to be romantic and sweet is futile with a child. I wonder why I even bothered.
It's like.. He deliberately refused to listen to what my heart is saying. With all the racket from that stupid drum beats.
Stupid!

And I can't talk to stupid right now.
Stupid, silly child.
I've really had enough of tears this week, please.

I'm feeling like that tiny satellite that's drifting away into the universe..


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Hey you..

***
"What is it? My dear?"
"Ah, how can we bear it?"
"Bear what?"
"This. For so short a time. How can we sleep this time away?"
"We can be quiet together, and pretend -- since it is only the beginning -- that we have all the time in the world."
"And every day we shall have less. And then none."
"Would you rather, therefore, have had nothing at all?"
"No. This is where I have always been coming to. Since my time began. And when I go away from here, this will be the mid-point, to which everything ran, before, and from which everything will run. But now, my love, we are here, we are now, and those other times are running elsewhere."
***
-- A. S. Byatt, Possession

And so I thought of you...

Encem bought me The Time Traveller's Wife.. Why? I'm not sure. I can't help but guess that it was out of guilt. He probably felt bad for the way I've been feeling recently so he decided to get me something, and knowing me.. A book would be perfect.
And being almost-perfect, he got me THAT book.

I'm loving the read so far.
But I keep relating Encem to Henry when they are not exactly alike.. Not genetically anyway.
I can't be quite sure whether they are really similar or I'm just hoping that Encem loves me as much as Henry loves Clare..

I do hope that his world revolves around me but the truth is he's the world and I'm the tiny satellite that floats around him.

Which is probably the biggest reason why it's so easy for me to get upset by him. As my feelings for him are intense, any little-wrong thing he does intensifies. It's a win-lose situation really..
The hazards of being in love with someone who knows not of moderation or middle grounds. He has to put up with my 'nothing or everything' crap every single day.

Though everytime somebody plants a seed of suspicion towards him I'd respond with nonchalant, saying that I would have no trouble leaving.. I know that I would leave feeling devastated.

So what's the point of this entry?
I don't know... Maybe to tell you that I'm very much still in a relationship. (Hafiz! LOL) Maybe to tell you that I'm still all clouds even when in love. Maybe to tell Encem that I'm a sucker for his love. That no matter who I'm having lunch or dinner with, it's still him that I think about. Or maybe the damn novel is simply turning me into a bigger mush than I already am.

What ever the real point is, I can't help myself from thinking about Henry and Clare...

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