In CMB.

So I'm in Sri Lanka..
Just chilling out with Saravanan and Max in the crew lounge.. They're figuring out words for the scrabble game that we're playing while I'm crapping what ever in front of this screen.

It's been a crazy week -- emotionally. I swear I have no idea what's going on with my heart these days. I suppose I should pity the boyfriend for being the usual victim of the situation. Kinda. Sometimes.
But anyway.. I honestly just noticed how crazy my emotions were when last night I cried watching He's Just Not That Into You.
I mean, SERIOUSLY!!

Anyway, I'm feeling lucky to be able to fly here. Apparently we're pretty much the last set of crew to be nightstopping here since the company will only be doing daily flights to MLE and CMB starting September. And we have two days off here! Talk about being blessed. hehe.
The crews are awesome too! We've got SIX "117s" and the rest are just really really nice seniors. heehee.
Thank you, God.

We're flying back home later tonight.
I'm looking forward to going back home. Then FIVE days off!!
Yippeeeeee!

Ughhhh..

I swear I hate talking about my personal troubles but I am running low on the people whom I can talk to.
This is crap.
My life is turning out to be a massive piece of shit.

Perhaps I'm a lump of shit myself.. If that is so, I shouldn't complain right? I mean, I'm supposedly surrounded by familiar things!

But probably not.. After all, I am the type of person who gets lonely even when I am in a roomful of people.
Perhaps I should get that stamped on my brain; to not be bothered since I'll always be alone.
What's the point of fussing over things that you can't change, anyway?
I'm tired of talking.

But most of all, I am tired of feeling.
I am tired of wanting for things to change. My heart is getting old.. And it's weary of hoping.

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My poor sister..

To have to deal with me while I couldn't contain the tears in my eyes..
I suppose my emotions are going haywire again..

I swear I wish Encem would just rip my heart out already. I'm crazy tired of feeling the same lousy feeling every other day. Am I addicted to misery?? Seriously. I don't think I enjoy crying.. So why am I still in this stupid relationship?

Yes, that's what I think of it today. Stupid. I'm not in love. I'm not even in lust. So I don't know what I am 'in' really.

Ah, fuck it.

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To be speechless.

I am currently in Kota Kinabalu.
Trying to decipher exactly how I'm feeling.. about anything, right now.

Work had been demanding lately. Or perhaps I am just getting old.
It just felt like I need a vacation now or I'll start hating my "job".

Dark days looms in.
Typical.
And I've hated that since a very long time ago.

Hollow in my heart.

I'm tired..
I'm tired of not talking.
But mostly I am tired of talking but not be taken seriously.
Do I need to cry everytime I want to get my point across?

Sigh.
I hate being in limbo.
I hate having an elephant in the middle of the room.
I hate feeling the tension and in no way of solving the problem.

I hate being afraid.
I hate the idea of ending up in the way that I most feared.
I know that I need to talk about this but I can't think of anyone that I can talk to.
I am in a rut. And I am stuck here.

I am.. Clueless.
Hopeless.
But most of all, I am tired. I am so friggin' tired.

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KUL, DXB, BEY, KHI

Four timezones in four days.

I am hating my life.

I feel like I'm in a rut.

First time I felt like committing suicide because of work.

First time I cried in the aircraft's lavatory.

A much needed emotional-Heimlich was rejected.

I'm glad to be back home.. But I'm not sure if I'm actually "happy" about being "home".

Yeah, I still want to die.
Sorry for the emotional rant. Everything just blows, thanks.

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How Maybank changed my life..

HAHHAHAHAHAHA wtf, right?

I've always wanted a credit card.. Well, I wanted a credit card not long after I owned an ATM card (which happened to be when I was fourteen -- pretty young to have one, for a kid from a middle-class family in Malaysia I would say.)
I don't know.. the idea of spending without having the actual money was interesting.

Then I found out about the debts that could befall me.. which made me re-think about "wanting" to have a credit card.
The idea of spending money that I don't actually have became SCARY, to say the least.

So anyway.. I'm not really into accounts or banking.. or even planning, but a few months ago I decided to open a new banking account with Maybank after yeaaarrs of being loyal to CIMB.
Reason to doing so; just because.
I thought that I needed the second account so I would have a place to put away some money to be saved.
HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!
Right.

The thing about Maybank.. once you open an account, they'll give you an ATM card that also works as a DEBIT card.
And voila! A way to spend the money that I already have, without having the actual money in my hands! Plus, I could also set up my account with Paypal so I could shop online!
So THAT'S how Maybank changed my life.
Is it for the better?

Now let's see.. earlier today I deposited some money into that account, and when I came home I logged on to Ebay, and found myself buying TWO Moleskines!
BAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA!!
In my defense though, buying those online are WAY cheaper than buying them from say.. Borders. Seriously. So in a way, I am saving money here! theehee!
Actually I pretty much just found out that a LOT of things are cheaper when you buy them online. I don't know.. maybe because I'm in Malaysia and the shops here just marks up the prices a LOT.

So anyway.. I think I'm addicted to online shopping now.
Suddenly there are more things on my list of "The Things I Want" now..
Oh well, I'm glad that I have a job -- and lucky enough, I only call it a "job" a few times a month. Most of the days I'm just fooling around, really.
I'm thankful for that.

One more thing I am thankful about;
I am veeerry grateful to have a boyfriend who is a good cook!
Thank you, God!

Time for dinner/supper now.

..And all I could do is cry.

Being the youngest child has its perks.
But when you're a semi-depressed youngest child, those perks would turn into a reason to cry in a matter of moments.

Take this for instance..
I am having a mighty heavy heart about going to work with a runny nose later in the morning. My fever is practically gone, but the flu seems to be sticking around for the time being. A little flu sounds really minor to miss work, but when you're flying.. And your nose is blocked.. The pressurised air will press on to your eardrums and would cause a great headache.
I don't know about other people but I would usually have this one vein on my forehead pulsing with pain as the aircraft descends to land.
No amount of Valsalva manoeuvre can save me from this pain.

So I'd been contemplating about taking the taxi from Bukit Jalil to Shah Alam -- so I could go to my clinic, which I know is open 24-hours and is a panel of my company.
Guess my parents weren't too happy with the idea so they are on their way from Seremban (taking care of Nina's family who are down with a fever -- including Dida) to get me to the clinic right now.

I don't like the idea of my dad driving in the night. And I feel so selfish for making them want to fetch me. I should've just left and tell them AFTER I had seen the doctor.
I am not worth the trouble.. really.
So here I sit waiting.. Crying.. Hating the fact that I am still sickly and lonely and needy!!!

UGHHHHH!! I frustrate myself.
I keep trying to be a better person, be independent.. And yet here I am still needing my parents' help.
I am a grown woman, for God's sake!!
I hate this. I really really hate that I still seem so helpless at times.
I hate being sick. I really hate being sick.

I'd like to drop dead right about now, thanks.

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