Mini gathering..

Mummy and Daddy's wedding reception went well..
Still funny watching Daddy all serious. hahahha!
We basically had a mini gathering there.. Most of our batchmates were there. It was nice seeing everyone all dressed up!



Okay, I haven't got any complaints so..
That's it for today!

Have a merry married life, Mimi & Hasse!! ♥

You KNOWW??

A close friend tied the knot today..


I can honestly say that I was nothing but sincerely happy for Mimi and Hasse. I had a good giggle seeing Daddy acting all serious.. hahaha! They really are one of the cutest couple I've met. Two good souls.. I am blessed to have gotten the chance to get to know them..
Now I'm actually looking forward to the reception tomorrow!

I must confess that I am pretty awkward at social gatherings -- which had led me to hide in the car with Alif, waiting for Murni to arrive earlier.. hahahha! We're horrible, and we know it!
But I am really looking forward to tomorrow -- mostly because Encem will be around; so I can hide behind him. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

After the ceremony, Alif and I went to the mall and Arep came to join us. It was nice.. just hanging out with two of my closest guys.
I WAS thinking of calling Arep while I'm on this holiday break but things just kept coming up, so I really am glad that today happened.

I had a good day.. That's what I am trying to say anyway.
My holiday is ending and I can't help but wish that I could have it extended. Although, I need to keep in mind that I need to work to pay my bills and buy myself some nice things. Gah!
Sucks to be thinking of "working" for the money when I had never been that kind of person to begin with.

I hope the good days will keep coming.
Take care, everyone.
(I run of words fast when I'm not whining or complaining about something, I know..)

You don't Poke me anymore..

I know that one shouldn't compare relationships..
But I can't help it when you've had two very different ones. I can't help but wonder.. Perhaps I never knew what I wanted after all, and that's why I am never happy.

Okay, even I know that isn't true.
I can feel it in my guts that I am close to the elusive "happiness".. I just need to tweak some little things in my life.
I need to be able to talk again.
There was a time when I had no trouble talking about my feelings; mostly because talking was the only thing I could do.

I've learnt that when your other half is next to you, you tend to get distracted easily. Not a good thing when I am someone who needs to build up a courage to talk about things that matters. sigh.

So anyway.. To be frank, things have been extremely quiet.
I rarely ever talk for the past week even though the voice in my head is practically screaming at me. My heart is hardly numb even though I've been secretly wishing for it to be just that. I've ran out of words to write in letters so I'm getting pretty great at daydreaming.
Mostly about me trashing a place or punching some faces until they became disfigured. Mostly gruesome stuff that involves a knife that I'm beginning to think that this bottled up feelings is like adding fuel to the flame that is my anger issues.

Not speaking out = rage.
Who would've thought?

I am just as emotionally tired as I had been the last time I blogged.
Nothing much have changed really -- just less spoken words. What's the point of talking when the words are just forgettable, right?
I think I am trying to give up trying. I refuse to take responsibility.

Honestly, I need a friend.
ONE particular friend actually. But he doesn't seem to get how badly I need him I guess.
Oh well.. I'll live.. For as long as I can anyway.

Patience is thinning.

The little respect I have left for you just walked out the door.
Ignorance is your new bestfriend.

Must you call me only when you need something.. or trying to locate someone?
You have left me in this little island on my own and you have the nerve of asking me petty little questions??
Grow up.
Seriously, GROW UP.

I am surrounded by kids, honestly.
Not trying to say that I am THAT mature, but God knows I am not THAT needy too.
ughhh!

I can't find my deodorant and that stupid little thing just brings up a whole lot of dissatisfaction that I actually have in my life. I need to grow up now!
I'm finding solace in music now..
Paramore to be exact. hahahha!
Just enough "noise" I've gotta say. I'm excited that I'll be seeing them perform live tomorrow night. Been hearing sound-checks all day today from across the road. (Oh yes, I live across from the venue!)

I find this funny actually. Remembering hearing Usher's songs when he came to perform a few months ago. A few 'pros' living in this apartment. Cons would be -- TRAFFIC!

Oh.. Am I glad that I was born fickle minded..
badaba badaba ba da..

Emotion sickness.

I'll ignore you by ignoring myself.

Feels like it has come to that in the relationship.
Don't get me wrong, I love my man and I believe that he loves me back just as much. I am crazy about him but at the same time he is driving me crazy.

So.. I'll ignore my feelings so I could ignore him.. somehow.
Perhaps I AM choosing to be miserable. I don't know. But I do know that I only write when I am so it doesn't seem fair to the boyfriend or myself. I suppose if you're an outsider, just stumbling over to this blog.. you would think that I am emotionally inclined to masochism. Or just stupid -- which would be the more "obvious" word.

Last weekend Dida suggested that I see a psychiatrist.
I've always wanted to go but I don't know what's been holding me back. Perhaps just the fact that it will require me to spend money when I fully expect the shrink to tell me something I'd known for a very long time.

Doc: You're cuckoo
Me: Thank you, Doc. Here's your money.

It'd be a waste of money and time honestly. Mostly because I don't TALK much. Not as much as I write anyway. Sure, I can talk about my job.. about my day.. about the cute dresses that I see at the mall.. but NEVER about what I feel.
Stupid defected brain. I shall blame the countless of times that I fell during my childhood. heh. I shall blame everything on my childhood and Freud would be proud.

Anyway.. I need to fix myself. Dida reckons no one could save me from myself -- not her exact words but that's what she basically means. She reckons that I need to fix myself before.. anything, and I agree. I should fix myself.. perhaps only then I could be "happy".. what ever that really means.

Some days I do identify bliss, but some days all I want to do is hide under the coffee table in the living room. It's not particularly spacious, but it's just enough for me to hide from the world. Just the world -- if only I could hide from my thoughts and feelings.

Oh well.. it's half past nine here in Korea. Boyfriend's in Delhi. blablablaa.. In order for me not to think or talk about him, I shall go to sleep. I'm not feeling too well anyway. Between having too much gas from drinking too much Cola and being emotionally sick that I'd cried listening to a song from Camp Rock 2 'cause it hit close to home (I know, WTF!) and over thinking about a scene from Eat, Pray, Love.. I really should get some shut eye. I haven't gotten much of that since I had to wake up for work yesterday afternoon. Damn night flights.

So goodnight, dear world.
Please be gentle to me come morning.

And Then You..

I was struck by a thought last night that got me stunt.
Then followed by a string of curses, naturally.
A year has passed and I was slightly comforted knowing that I've changed.. somewhat.

But of course, I haven't really....

Just when I thought that I was happy right where I am.. My heart jumped at the first idea that could lead me someplace else.

I am running away again..
Or I want to.

So now I'm sitting here this Sunday morning.. trying to figure out what am I running from exactly.
I am breaking my own heart this time.
And I am not sure if I should voice this out loud. Seems premature to be saying something when I don't know the cause of it. Why should I alarm anyone with this anyway?

Maybe some people are just not meant to linger at one place for too long, right? That it has no underlying psychological meaning or personal trouble behind it, right? They were simply made that way, right?
ughh who am I kidding.
I am a textbook of "underlying psychological meaning and personal troubles".
I am incapable of happiness. Everything is too temporary. My brain is wired to find things to be unhappy about. I accept death too easily simply because I am more morbid than all the people that I know.

Anyway..
Had a pretty good Saturday hanging out with Nina and Dida.


I find myself looking.. almost staring at them a bunch of times in the course of one day. Trying to find the words to say to them maybe, but finding none.

My life/head/heart is so messed up that even when I'm surrounded by good people, I just can't give myself away and open up.
I simply couldn't bring myself to take the leap.