Ugly side.

I have this thing of thinking things that I don't mean..
I don't actually say them out loud because I know how badly that could lead me, but my mind is far too quick to judge and decide what I think/feel about certain things. Especially when I am angered.
But believe it or not, that's the most crucial moment of the situation -- the thoughts that I don't mean.
Because then I would wish for things that would upset me in the end.

Example; weeks ago I was depressed about how nothing was happening around me, so I wished that I will be working on my birthday. Sent someplace where I won't have to be reminded how boring my birthdays have been. If I'm going to be indoors and be reminded that I am OLDER, might as well I DO something be it work.
So of course, I got my wish.. A night in Penang on the 13th..

Today, I wished that boyfriend would get called up knowing that he was on standby, because I was upset with him. So of course.. he's spending the night in Kuantan tonight while I'm here bored and annoyed at myself for wishing things that I didn't mean..
Honestly, even when he upsets me, it's still better with him around. At least he'd amuse me by trying to make up for his mistakes.
Ha - ha - ha! (I'm not really in the mood to laugh right now.)

Now, regarding the previous entry.. I think I'm going to TRY just one more thing before I truly give up. I'm gonna let hell break loose. No more silent treatment. I'm gonna fight like hell. Shout if I feel like it.
If that gets me nowhere, then I'll know..
I'll know for sure.
Honestly that scares the crap out of me, but it has to be done.. It must.

And now it's dark
I look for you to light my heart
I'm in between the moon and where you are
I know.. I can't be far
-- Blue October

Forget I said anything..

Suppose I am giving up.
I give up trying.
There is nothing else to say. There is nothing else I can say to you.

If everything I say will be misunderstood, I shouldn't bother saying anything at all.
If you give up trying to listen.. Guess I should give up trying to say anything altogether.

Thank you, dark cinema.. For hiding my shameful tears..


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Been a while..

I've been brooding lately, as Julie would put it.
Honestly I feel like my life is becoming more and more non-existent for the past week. Being busy with work just doesn't work for me. Sure I love going to foreign places and see what they could offer to a stranger like I am, but too much of it is making me feel like I'm aging way faster than I should.

I'm grateful.. honestly, to be able to visit these places. Taipei, Beijing and Dubai in one month! It's awesome. But I can't remember when was the last time I had a proper date with the boyfriend. We're always too tired to do anything outside. And come on, staying in watching movies isn't exactly my idea of a perfect day.

I know I am asking a lot, but isn't that the whole point?
To not be afraid to ask..

But who am I kidding.. I am always afraid. I am still unable to speak what goes through my mind. I'm starting to think that it's way too easy -- not talking. I dunno.. It feels as though I am changing but I know it's not for the better. sigh.. It's like I'm wrapping my words in a package and just bidding my time to send it away to nothingness.

I think I am detaching myself.. From loved ones and life even. Perhaps I am embracing the disappearance of my so-called life.
We'll see..

What I know is, I am too tired of putting myself out there and not having anyone to meet me halfway.
I'm tired.. My mind is fed up for having my heart controlling my life's course. Fed up for the headache that's caused from the heartache.
Honestly.

Me and my old man..

I love spending mornings with my dad.
Mostly because I am chirpy in the morning (after having a good sleep) and my dad is much more tolerant in the mornings; having nothing of the day-crap to bug his mind. Actually... my dad is ALWAYS tolerant of me. Perhaps I am the one that is more tolerant of people in the mornings..

Aaaaanyway!
After two weeks of not seeing any of my family members (I know, I'm horrible. My parents just lives 30 minutes away!) I asked my dad to come pick me up.

At the carpark where we were getting breakfast, we saw this one grown man attempted to park his big ass car. He was an IDIOT, honestly.. couldn't make up his mind whether he wanted to park on the left side or the right.. With the back-side out or the front.. Seriously. I lost some major points just talking about that man.
I even proclaimed that "idiots should not procreate."

Then my father chimed in that idiots wouldn't know they're idiots..
Which is a horror really, because non-idiots would easily recognize an idiot while a fellow idiot won't. So idiots will fall in love with idiots thinking that they're both equally smart, get married, and make idiot babies!!
OH - MY - GOD!!
What will happen to the world!! Infested by idiots!
Scary world.

Okay, my father and I are snobs -- and maybe that's why we click so well. hahahha!
Basically I've been spending my morning complaining and rambling to my father.. About people I've worked with.. Stories from the people I've worked with.. about passengers.. The kids that were sitting at the stairway to our flat.. Too many bad comments that at one point I almost fell from simply walking at the pavement!
Hahahahhaha! Balasan Tuhan..

I really love the mornings where I get to do everything that I wanted to do.

Feels like all I ever talk about lately is ANYTHING that relates to the boyfriend.. I swear sometimes it feels like my entire existence is tethered to the gravity that is him.
This much change.

Bob Marley

The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.

Good quote.
And very true.

Anyway, I'm having a roller coaster kind of days lately. There's no more good days or bad days. More of good hours and bad hours..
Sigh.
I'm not sure if that's better or not.

I'm bored. Actually really bored.
Feels like I'm drifting most of the time. Life could pass me by and have no effect on me.
It bores me.
Bores the hell out of me.

Work's been alright.
Relationship's been alright.
But that's just it -- "alright". I don't live with just 'alright'. So passion-less.
I am grateful with my alright life. But I wish I could be ecstatic everytime I wake up in the morning.

Sigh.
I need more.
I hate this stagnant.
I HATE BEING STUCK!

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The scent of one.

Did you know that our memory picks up scents the best?
I'm not sure where I read that but I am a believer. It does seem like my brain remembers scents better; for instance if I had a whiff of 'scent A', I could relate it to what had happened the last time I had smelled 'scent A'.

Encem had asked me a certain rhetorical question a couple of times before; if we hadn't seen each other for a very long time (years..) and somehow fate brought us together but his face was covered except for his eyes (err..) would I be able to recognize him still?
Yeah, odd question, I know.. but I play along anyway.. But when I say that I played along, I meant I made a thinking face for a short while and say that I don't know and changed the subject. hahahha!
Truth is, I'd most probably won't be able to know it was him by his eyes alone. I'm terrible like that.

But I know his 'smell' by heart.
To the point where I could get irked when somebody else wears the same perfume as he does. But most of the time when that happens, I'll just miss him more. Which could be even more annoying really.

So why am I writing about smells anyway?
Well, I'am reminded that I'm running low on my perfume. The "best" part is that the production of MY scent has been discontinued. Which sucks. I hate changing perfumes. Mostly because nothing really appeals to me! Most of them are either too strong.. Too 'makcik'.. Too manly.. ughh!
Another thing about scents; when choosing perfumes -- and partners actually, believe it or not one tends to choose something (or someone) that has the same scent as one does.

Anyway.. it's good to be home.
I find myself appreciating home more lately, but I know that this feeling may not last. Consistency has never been my strong point...

With all of me..

Half past one and I'm still awake.. ughh.
I better get to sleep soon since I have four hours of flight tomorrow.. Not a fun thing when you're one crew down -- yes, we're in Taipei and we left base with a short of one crew. Some moronic steward went MIA. grrr.
But anyway, my set crew is alright. I'm not having a bad time.. which is good enough for me! (Now who says I'm never thankful? hahahha!)

So practically three days in Taipei.. what did I learn about myself?
Well, I learnt that I am for certain.. capable of blowing my bank account had there been any money in there. Bahahahha! I've always liked Taipei but it seems that I like it more when the weather is cool.
Jackets and boots -- TRUE evils of MY world. eeeeep!!

I also learnt that walking around by myself reminded me of being back in Europe. I don't know.. maybe because of the weather.. the foreign language.. the AWESOME transportation system.. The silliness of walking around town knowing what to get but not knowing exactly where it is so I walked around and around the same block a few times.. hehhe.. I liked it anyway.
I felt like a fool, but what the heck! It's not like anyone knew me out there..

One more thing that I learnt.. Being in Taiwan (not just Taipei 'cause I've thought of this same thing while I was in Kaohsiung) reminds me of my ex. Hahahaha!! It's not that funny really.. but I HAD to laugh because the reasoning seems STUPID. And writing about it would seem even more stupid but anyway.. Taiwan reminds me of my ex because I'm surrounded by Chinese! hahahahha!! And I swear some of the guys here looked like him. HAHAHHAHAHA!! There was a time when I walked around and saw this one guy and I thought; Oh - my - God!
But of course, that random guy didn't kept eye-contact and said nothing when I walked past him so it couldn't be him.

Aaaaanyway, Sylly.. if you are reading this.. I've been thinking about you, obviously. Sorry.

Kinda been wanting to call to say hi.. or something. But he didn't even reply to any of my Facebook messages.. So.. heh. Perhaps you can't really be friends with an ex.
I suppose Arep is just one odd human specimen to still want my friendship. (One more thing I am thankful of!)

I've been thinking a lot about a lot of things of late. Kinda wanted to write about it but I'm not sure I want to actually remember about it in the future.
Ah.. battles in my head.

I should quit smoking.

Currently listening to..

Demi Lovato's Catch Me


So yeah.. I'm Taipei and getting homesick by the minute.
sigh..