:(

Baru komplen sikit, dah kena lagi teruk..

Semalam aku kena allergy attack. Daripada mana, aku tatau.. Bangun pagi okay, time tengahari aku guling guling atas katil, tau tau badan dah start gatal gatal and ada merah merah. Jadi aku assume kena gigit something la. Pijat mutant ke apa..

So siang semalam walaupun badan gatal gatal ni, gigih juga aku kuar ngan Kera pegi Midvalley (lagi!) sebab lapar. Kat umah takde apa nak masak, and since gaji dah kuar kitorang biasa ada "makan besar" sekali.
Aku ni lak.. jenis degil.. Dah tau badan gatal, selamba je makan seafood! Konon sebab takde allergic seafood kan, patut tak effect la! hahhh! Harapan.. jadi makin teruk lak. Tak guna..

So terima kasih Bestie kerana bawakkan pegi klinik.. Sorry kacau momentum abiskan lauk semalam. Harapnya sempat la kenyang yee.. hehe

Kat klinik lak doktor tanya ada makan seafood tak, aku tersengih la since memang baru je lepas. Pastu dia cakap la kadang kadang orang start kena allergy walaupun selama ni tak ada. Aku anggukkan aje la, tapi masalahnye gatal dah start time siang, time aku tak makan pape pon lagi. Seafood tu cuma memburukkan keadaan je. haihh
Pastu dia tanya aku nak makan ubat ke, nak kene inject. Sebab aku tak penyabar orangnye, aku suh je la dia inject.
Cok ponggong!
Malu...
Tapi dua tiga minit lepas tu gatal gatal memang reda.. merah merah pun dah kurang. Best!

Harini badan still ada merah merah and gatal.. tapi gatal yang boleh diabaikan la. Tak seteruk malam tadi. Malam tadi memang.. hisyy.. So skarang aku tau nak sumpah apa kat orang bila aku marah. Daripada aku sumpah diorang mati, baik aku sumpah diorang gatal seluruh badan. (Kat celah bedah pun yee.) Sebab tu lagi seksa!
Plus kalau orang mati, kau tak boleh gelakkan dia. Kalau dia kena gatal.. boleh la gelak evil.
(Teruknya laa.. Mana la Tuhan tak marah.. adeke plan menda menda camni lak! isyk)

Tengah mengantuk ni. Doktor kata ubat ilang gatal ni memang buat mengantuk. Best! Aku suka ubat buat mengantuk sebab aku ni jenis susah nak tido.. Tak saba nak tunggu malam untuk makan ubat gatal lagi!
Pagi tadi Mama text tanya nak ikut pegi Seremban tak. Aku tak mau lahh. Time badan gatal gatal ni tahap kesabaran aku kurang. Kesian lak kat bebudak nanti. Kalau ada sesiapa yang nak kena marah, baik aku hadkan kepada si Kera je. heehee.

Elok elok je allergic time cuti.. Kalau kena keje time badan merah merah camni.. hisy! I tidak rela uolss!

Flight BLR Yang Happening.

Aku cakap Jepun dalam flight balik dari India.. Kau hado?? Hahhahaha!
Al kisahnya, mamat ni tido sepanjang flight, aku tak tau pun dia orang Jepun. Dah sampai KL dia on phone dia, aku ternampak tulisan Jepun.. So masa dia nak blah aku pun cakapla "byebye" yang bukan "sayonara".. Muka dia pun terkejut ceria pastu cakap Jepun sket ngan aku.. Hihihi..
Lalu crew aku yang ala ala junior beberapa bulan takjub lah dengan kehebatan aku.. Hnssss *kembang idong*

Yang kelakarnye, bakat aku cakap Jepun ala ala bakat aku cakap Jawa je.. Basic gile; set kalau orang tanya, "iso omong jowo orak?" Aku pun jawab, "sitik sitik wae.." Hihihihi

Anyway, flight malam tadi boleh dikatakan seronok gak la walaupun Indian run. Passenger tak banyak kerenah sangat (surprisingly) and leading merepek, stewardess sorang suka borak, lagi sorang bengong, Bollywood crew layankan saja kitorang, and steward 11th solo-first time 738 (dia siap bagitau time briefing yee.. hahahahha!) kaki gelak.

Pendek kata malam tadi, walaupun sleep-deprived, aku takde sebab untuk tak ceria. Alhamdulillah.. Bila dapat flight macam ni memang aku bersyukur sangat. Best kerja. Rasa cam kasi lah lagi Bangalore kalau set crew terbaik gini!
Actually kalau difikirkan balek, everytime aku dapat Indian run selalu ada je set crew yang sekepala. Every cloud has a silver lining gitu. Aku suka! Thank You Allah!

Balek dari flight tak tensen.. Jalan ke transport maseh boleh sengih kat orang lalu lalang. Maseh ada mood nak small talk dengan cabin crew lain yang kau baru jumpa.
Rasa best jadi cabin crew..

Tapi sekarang kaki aku tengah gatal.. haihh.. Doktor kata aku kena amek vitamin C. Kulit kering sebab tak cukup vitamin C.. Isyk. Sungguh aku malas nak keep up benda benda yang kena jadi habit nih; sapu losyen lepas mandi, makan pil.. Aku cuci mekap pun pakai wipes je. Make-up remover yang Mama kasi ada dalam ceruk mana ntah, kapas tak penah sentuh.. Mask tak penah nak pakai, scrub muka kalau rajin ada laa aku guna sebulan sekali -- kalau teringat!

Nasib baik la muka aku ni bukan jenis sensitif, berminyak manjang.. Kering la tapi.. And kaki ni masalah besau. Dah berbulan aku tak pakai dresses comel comel aku. Rinduuu.. Hahahaha!!
Tuhan marah kot aku tak tutup aurat.. So dia kasi aku malu sikit. Hmmm..

Roster bulan depan tak memberangsangkan. Tiga nightstop, satu night flight, yang lain daily! Bulan yang lebih lonely sebab Si Kera punya nightstop/trip berderet. Siap fly ngan Mummy lagi lak tu. Isykk.. So kita nantikan sajalah entry entry blog yang jauh lebih emo daripada biasa yee..

Esok sampai habis bulan ni aku annual leave! Yeayy!! Aku suka cuti! And harini gaji kuar.. And LaSenza tengah sale! Yeayy!! So ada sape sape kat Midvalley sekarang ni?

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Setahun setengah?

Current mood: Pensive
Current location: Shah Alam
Song currently playing: Antique - Surga Cinta

Hung out with Dida at Starbucks last night.. The result? I was wide awake at 3am despite waking up quite early during the day.
And because I was having an idea of something, I got onto my laptop and shopped online. ughhh! Not exactly a good idea. I am trying to SAVE money here, not spend more of it!! pffft!

Anyway, not that I am regretting the buy.. Just that I moved around some money in my accounts that need not to be moved. So that was just.. lame.

Tomorrow I'm doing four sectors that I'd rather not be doing.. But anyway, the month's ending and since I have a leave from 25th 'til 28th, I'm just happy to get through the next three days. (BLR flight on the 23rd.. ick!)
Since February is ending, people have been asking if I'm staying in the airline.. (We have five years contract, which we are bonded to the company for the first two years of it)

I wish I had something else to say than; "yeah, suppose I'll stay.."
Honestly, it's not that I am bored. I still find the job interesting. But really.. I couldn't think of anything else to do anyway. So that's a pretty sorry excuse to stay.
Sucks that I've been feeling OLD these days.
Oh well, at least I'm not feeling gloomy.. today. heeheee

I've been trying not to look forward to next month's roster -- for fear of being disappointed (as we always do when the roster finally came out), but I can't help it. It should come out later tonight..
gah!

I better start packing my things.

Called up to KMG.

ughh.. Of course, just when you decided that you don't want to get called up, the office thought differently.
I've never been rostered to this flight. It's one of those elusive sectors like Begawan; which I was rostered to last month but the flight was cancelled! pssh!
Kunming is one heck of a long flight. Three hours plus. It felt longer when you had less than three hours of sleep and was delayed because the passengers decided to wander around before flight.
I couldn't wait to get home but as we descended towards KLIA.. My eyes welled up in tears. I was suddenly reminded that I had no one waiting for me at home. hmmph!

Bloody resolution.
I've finally decided on one a couple of weeks ago; that I should toughen up. Nak jadi hati batu sikit. I've been crying too much for the past year that I had to put it up as a resolution! hahahaha! Bangang.

If only doctors could recommend on my medical file that giving me long flights is highly discouraged. My brain is too messed up; instead of it being mostly a physical strain.. it's actually affecting my mental/emotions a lot more.
I just get a LOT more sensitive when I am tired.
As the result, tonight I walked towards the transport area biting my lips and praying to God that I wouldn't cry in public.

Personal shit are just too messy these days. And I know it's me who complicates things mostly. I couldn't help it. I'm simply in a bad funk to begin with so it doesn't take much for the spoilt brat within me to surface.
I don't know..
It does feel like I'm making a hell lot of excuses these days.
Funny how when I was single.. I had no trouble being with myself. (err.. Okay, I've always had trouble accepting myself -- but I never really needed anyone.) But now.. it's like my body detests the idea of being with just me.

ughh! I don't think I'm making much sense.
I should head to bed early.

Sendiri lagi..

This is no longer about being physically alone.. I am just.. irrevocably in a state of aloneness.
Sure, being physically alone doesn't help either but really.. this should be getting old. I can't expect to always have someone around to be by my side. And that is not even the point!

So Boyfriend had been around for the past few days. Knowing that he's flying with Mummy today, I was hoping that someone from their set would get sick and I'd get called up for that flight! ha-ha! What are the chances of that happening? But I hoped away anyway.. I wished for it from the day I saw their rosters.. I wished for it everytime I mentioned about my standby to anyone who'd hear it.. I wished for it before I go to bed last night.
It's silly, but I'm jealous. I'm not even jealous that Mummy is flying with him.. I am just jealous that two of my favourite people are flying together and I couldn't be there!

I used to bump into Mummy during night stops and it's been months since that happen. Knowing that she'll be leaving the airline soon just makes me feel even worse.
So yeah, I am jealous so I'm sorry.. I couldn't fake any form of enthusiasm when I was on the phone with the both of them earlier. I'm a lousy loser. I'll be the one that sulks in the corner when I lose.

So today I'd spent my day being miserable and sulking.. Doing my best not to send any pathetic texts to either of them because it won't do any good to anyone. Plus, Boyfriend hates working with me. Okay, maybe he didn't exactly used the word "hate" -- I hated working with him because of his "professionalism" bullshit. He'd make me feel like all I wanted to do was cling onto him while we work. Do the service with our hands entwined maybe.
Seriously, I don't mind being professional.. but wouldn't you think it's weird when people can't even tell that we knew each other unless they saw our staff numbers? bahh! I could go on about this for hours.
Maybe he's just embarassed to have me as his girlfriend. HAHAHAHHAHA! Okay, thank you stupid-brain for letting me wander off to this particular thought.

I suppose I should stop going into this.. since Bestie has the same trouble being himself when he's flying with a batchmate. Pathetic. (Sorry!) In conclusion to this crap; Adi remains my favourite batchmate to fly with! hahahhaha!
ughhh! I'm really gloomy today. I just couldn't bring myself to do anything useful around the house. Pathetic. Perhaps I should change my name to just that -- Pathetic.

I am honestly hating myself these days. My heart hasn't been mine for a long while.. And my brain simply jumps into conclussions that depresses me. I really really need to find a sparkle in life. Because really.. I CANNOT live like this, I keep feeling sorry for myself and it's just.. horrible! I am feeling like a blip and I really doubt that anyone would notice if I go missing.
Everyone seems to be going off to some better life.. New job, new family.. and here I am.. stagnant. It's the worst feeling of all. I hate being stuck. Stuck alone, because I am such a late bloomer. I know that isn't something I can blame myself for. It wasn't as if I wanted to be a late bloomer. But I wish I had known what I'd wanted earlier.
Not now.
Not when everyone's ready to leave.

I wish I am still twenty-three.. and just figured out that I wanted to be married by twenty-five. Have a kid by twenty-six. And another at twenty-nine.
But in truth, when I was twenty-three.. I had said to myself that I wanted to have a steady boyfriend that I could possibly marry by twenty-seven. My aim was just a boyfriend! Not a husband. hahahahha! And that's what I get.. Currently twenty-six, with a boyfriend.. and marriage is nowhere in view.

Sure I could blame peer pressure when it comes to this. Most of the people I know are either engaged, married, pregnant or already planning on the second one! Then there's me.. quite by myself and feeling FRIGGIN OLD!!
pssh! Guess I'll just blame my biological clock.
Things that happened last year just gave me a different perspective all so suddenly.
What if? What if? What if??

Damn I hate being alone with all these thoughts to ponder about!

I can't erase your past.

Question:
if a (certain) woman was made for a (certain) man, would it be the same for that woman?
If that sounds a little blurry, if A was meant for B -- does that mean that B was meant for A??

Ah yes, I am talking of soulmates -- in codes. Sort of. Bestie and I agreed that soulmates exists. After all, we are pretty much obliged to. But we both agreed that even when you are with your soulmate, you were never promised of happiness with them. There was never a line that says "you will be happy once you've found your soulmate."
So anyway.. I'm thinking of soulmates.

#crewlife stuff now;
during my recent trip, I had this one particular steward whom had seem interested in me. I've gotta say that had felt nice. And funny in a way. I still can't remember his name to be honest. Bahahahha! But I liked the flattery.. The idea of someone looking forward to seeing you again.
I can be so fickle sometimes... I know.

But anyway.. can't see the point of getting anyone's attention when in truth I'd only wanted MY guy's attention. I swear it gets pathetic sometimes. I wish I hadn't given him so much power. ughh!
So Valentine's day.. was never a celebration in my household. Except during school days when my girlfriends and I would give each other candies. Encem isn't exactly one that supports Valentine's Day and honestly, I would hate it if anything "special" had to happen on THAT particular day. It'd make anything seem fake and too deliberate. WHY must you give a girl chocolate or flowers on THAT day? There shouldn't be a reason to give your girl chocolates and flowers -- and "Valentine's Day" would be the stupidest REASON of all.

I still had a good time though. We were both off on that day and for once in a VERY long time, it was Encem whom asked me out! yippee! I swear sometimes it feels like we've been together for so long that we don't even date. ick!

So.. yeah.. it's pathetic but apparently my happiness (or let's just say my good mood) depended dearly on what he does.
Pathetic.

What do women want?

Aku ni kadang kadang tak tau apa perempuan nak sebenarnye.. Tapi nak agak apa "perempuan" nak, memang susah. Semua orang lain lain..

Haritu ada member FO sorang ni cerita pasal dia baru break-up dengan girlfren dia.. Sedih lak aku denga, tapi perlu ke mata aku sampai berair kan?! Isyk.

Diorang dah bersama empat tahun lebih. Kira sebelum FO ni jadi FO lah.. Memang dari dulu dah janji nak kawin..
So akhir tahun lepas FO ni tempah cincin kawin kat Tiffany & Co. Belum sempat cincin tu sampai, minah tu mintak break-up.. Atas alasan mamat ni FO.. Tak boleh percaya.

Manusia ni kalau tak dengki, tak cakap buruk pasal orang tak boleh ke?
Kesian member aku ni tau!!
Aku tak paham cemana minah ni boleh percaya hasutan kawan kawan yang baru dia kenal.. instead of percaya apa yang si FO ni cakap.
Empat tahun.. Kau patut dah tahu peribadi seseorang tu dalam masa empat tahun!

Mamat ni pulak dahlaa jenis cerita semuanye. Minah urut nak offer lebih pun dia cerita, tapi dia tak buat apa pun. Honest. Jenis rajin call/sms..
So kenapa perempuan ni nak break??
Aku rasa, memang hati dia dah lari.. Bukan salah si FO.. Tapi pompuan ni fickle. Mungkin dah safe sangat, jadi boring.. Entahlah!

Dua minggu lepas break, cincin Tiffany & Co. sampai..

Kalau lah laki aku tetiba balek bawak cincin tunang/kawin.. Hahahahaha!!
Si FO ni sempoi orangnye.. Dengan tak malu join aku ngan kakak aku gi karaoke. First day aku kenal dia, kitorang melepak kat bilik hotel berborak sampai pagi..

I guess kalau korang jenis kesah spouse korang spend the night kat bilik the opposite sex, JANGAN la carik cabin crew ataupun tech crew.
Aku ni pon kadang kadang melepak macam tak ada boyfren nak jealous. (Jealous ke pun?) Silap dia la kot carik pompuan yang lagi senang bercampur ngan laki! Bahahahaha!!

So apa perempuan nak sebenarnye?
Kadang kadang aku terlupa apa yang aku nak.. Perasaan nak tahu tu terlebih kadang kadang tu. Tapi perasaan je la..
Belum lagi buat benda benda merepek. Hahahaha! "Belum lagi" yee..

Oi, teruk betul sekarang ni bila emosi kurang stabil..

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In Shanghai..

I am sitting in my airline's crew room.. Using another airline's crew room's wi-fi! Bahahahaha! And my steward and I are SO immersed with our Blackberry that we don't bother entertaining each other anymore. Hahahahha..
Aah.. Technology.

It's cold here in Shanghai.. It was six degrees this morning. I honestly love cold weathers -- but really honestly, it's only because it reminds me of my time in Europe years back..

I really miss Europe. Funny how I'd felt safe when I was there. It was foreign.. But somehow I felt safe. I wonder if I'd still feel the same if I get to go there again.
And I do plan on going there again.. Just that I haven't actually set the date yet. Kinda..
Well, I need to know when I'm going and only then I'll start saving for it! Hahahahaha

Anyway, I'm in a relatively good mood as you can see. Personal troubles remains the same. I am starting to believe that I lead a secret life some days. I wish I hadn't known half the things that I know.. But you can't exactly undo the things that you'd done. Even when you hit "ctrl+z", you KNOW that you've hit those buttons..

So I'm flying back tomorrow. Then I have a day off and then I'll be on a 4-days trip. Not really looking forward to that, but I've come to realize that I haven't been looking forward to anything at all these days. It's sad, I know..

I haven't got any #crewlife stories to tell you. Personal life is too overwhelming for work life to surface.
Oh yeah.. Cheers Liverpool for whooping Chelsea's arse! Bahahahha!! I thought it was amusing. (Honestly I'm just stoked that Chelsea lost yet another game, but my team decided to get stupid on their match, so pshh!)

Perhaps I should head back to my room in the next hour. Call time is in the morning and I better get a decent amount of sleep for once! I've been having some terrible dreams lately; ghosts, being chased, boyfriend cheated on me.. sorting through dead bodies..
Horrible, horrible dreams!

So dear God, please let me have a good sleep tonight, of pleasant dreams.. And please let us have a good flight come tomorrow.
I'd love nothing more than to get home safe and sound..

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Can I let go now?

"They" say you have to let go of your pride..
Now WHY do I ever listen to "them"??!!

I should always stick to being myself.. I keep feeling like being in love makes me a pussy. Always giving in. Always opening up myself and invite a whole world of hurt in.
Why?
Why honestly??
I'm trying to believe that I can have that unconditional love. But perhaps unconditional love doesn't fit me best.
I am not made to be the more loving one, I'm sorry.. But screw Auden!

So I'm letting go.. I'm letting go of that role. I shall not take the responsibility anymore.
My happiness is MINE alone, and it's foolish of me to depend on anyone else to make me happy.
Fairytales, chick-flicks and chick-lits has really messed me up. But yeah, I'm not going to be responsible for OUR happiness anymore.

I need to stop going the extra mile because I need a man that'll meet me halfway.
I need someone who WANTS me just as much as I want him.

I am BLOODY TIRED!!!!
And I'm bloody tired of feeling tired!
I feel shitty, and I know that I can change it -- and that's what sucks the most!

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Feeling like trash, thanks!

SAMPAI HATI KAU HANG UP CAMTU KAT AKU?!!
HANJJJJJ!!!!!
aku baru cakap pasal jaga hati, pastu kau buat camtu..
SIAL!!

UGHHHH!!! I swear sometimes I wonder why I even have a boyfriend..
Yeah, I say a lot of trash about the people I claim to love but apparently that's just ME. If I can't do anything passionately, I don't bother doing it at all..
So tonight, I am passionately wishing for Encem to DIE!!! ughhh!!

Okay, I just sent a hate-text and feeling completely satisfied.
Now, to a different subject, shall we?

Recently I've been wondering why can't one always.. WIN.
Like the saying that goes, you win some, you lose some.
So WHYY??
Why must we lose after we win??

I'm bloody tired of giving myself excuses.. Bloody tired of karma.. Just damn TIRED!! God, I'm tired..
And I don't want to be tired..

I'm sorry for sounding ungrateful, but I'm really not in my best mood these days.
I'm a bloody walking corpse.. that swears a lot.
I'd be that favourite zombie in that movie that's bloody entertaining to you guys. You'd come out of the cinema saying how shitty that movie was, but you'd chide in "--but that potty-mouth zombie was hilarious!"
That's who I am.

Oh, I don't know why I say half the things that I say sometimes..
Guess I better head to bed since I have an early wake-up call in the morning.
Or maybe I'll have something to eat.
What ever..

Take care, dear readers..
Hope you'll have good days ahead of you.