Projek Hari Cuti.

Aku tak suka kaler rambut -- sebab busuk!
And aku tak suka kaler kuku -- sebab tangan aku tak stable, kalau aku buat sendiri bersepah rupanye. Nak pegi kedai lak.. takkan nak aku belanja empat puluh Ringgit every dua minggu just on kuku?? Gila!

Makes you wonder cemana aku ni boleh jadi flight attendant memandangkan aku ni selalu comot je. Kalau aku mood rajin baru aku keluar pakai contact lense, mekap sekali. Kalau tak, harapan lah!

Tapi masa training, instructor pesan kat aku jangan potong rambut. Sebabnya, rambut aku ikal/kerinting. So kalau aku potong pendek, berjam jam lah aku kena blow dry rambut sebelum pegi keje. Rebonding lak buat rambut keras kejung -- yuck.
So aku tak ada option lain selain biarkan je rambut aku panjang.

Tapi boring la bila tak boleh tuka hairstyle. So.. aku pun kaler rambut. Dah start ada uban dah pun, so aku tahan je la bau busuk chemicals nih.
Tapi sungguh aku tak gemar rambut karat! Dah Asian tu buat lah gaya Asian kan? (Tapi aku admit, some people looks better with rambut karat..) Plus, kalau rambut karat tu tak maintain, rupanya hodoh beno!
So, kaler coklat je lah rambut aku.. senang. Takde lah kene retouch selalu sangat.

Kenapa aku buang masa korang dengan cerita pasal benda ni?
Sebab aku baru je kaler rambut aku lagi sat tadi. hahahha! And tadi pegi Sephora aku beli nail patch; stickers untuk kuku yang rupa macam aku actually kaler kuku aku.
Muahahahahha! Suka aku ada menda alah camni.

Dua tiga hari ni orang asyik tego aku nampak berisi. Benci! Berat badan masih sama kot, so tell me cemana tetiba boleh nampak berisi lak!
Siap kelmarin buat tiga sectors aku langsung tak makan tak minum lagi! Gila! (Gila mengingatkan aku minum pun tak gara gara tertekan dengan flight.)

Ughh somebody shoot me already.
Aku rasa cam bimbo sangat bercerita pasal benda benda tak berkhasiat nih.
I may excuse myself from blogging in the coming days. Konon nak isi masa lapang dengan hobi -- selain daripada merepek kat sini.

Take care, people!

Nak balekk!!

Aku rasa ni macam 5-days trip paling panjang aku pernah rasa!
Set okay, leading pun okay.. Tapi takat "okay" je la.. Comfortable, tapi tak gila. Entah lah, aku prefer keje ngan orang gila kot. Boring bila pusing pusing, asyik orang lain je yang kata aku 'kartun'. mmph..
Aku salahkan Puyen ngan Kak Ngah sebab "train" aku jadi camni. Isyk.

Esok balek KL. Aku rindu katil. Aku rindu masakan Encem. Dia dah lama tak masak. Aku rindu home-cooked meal. Tapi aku tak mungkin akan mintak dia masak. So.. cemana?

Sepanjang empat hari lepas leading dok maintain position. Empat hari aku keje depan. Wahh! Dedicated Crew kah akuu??
Aku expect dia akan swap position tapi asyik maintain je pulak. Aku faham la dia taruk stewardess paling senior kat blakang since our only steward baru fly empat bulan.. Tapi perlu ke maintain AKU kat depan? Tetiba aku rindu tuang jus dari jug. Hahahhahhaha. Bongok kan?

Soalan; aku ni rupa "easy" kee?
Haritu aku ter-tak sengaja join set lain tengok wayang. Ada tiga cabin crew dengan sorang co-pilot. Kebetulan tersempak kat lobby, and diorang ada satu tiket extra untuk Fast5. Aku pun join je lah alang alang aku pun tak tengok lagi.

Dalam cinema aku duk sebelah co-pilot sebab esoknya tu aku fly ngan dia. Konon konon sesi beramah mesra lah..
Tapi dia over mesra kot.
Dalam cinema tu sebok menyendeng kat aku. Ewah! Kalau nak bercakap, lean over sekejap pastu lean away lah kan to your normal position. Tapi ni tak, menyendenngg.

At one point aku terasa la tangan dia kat tepi aku. I gave him a benefit of a doubt la kan, dia big built so maybe he needed that space. So aku pun ketepi la lagi sikit.. Then tak lama lepas tu aku terasa tangan dia gerak gerak lak.. Aku taknak buruk sangka, so fikir maybe tangan dia lenguh kena flex sikit jari jemari dia tu.
Aku ketepi lagi sampai aku dah takde space lagi. (By the way, selama benda ni jadi aku tak acknowledge pun aku rasa tangan dia.. movements aku memang ala ala natural je.)

Skali aku terasa lagi tangan dia.. Dah motion mengusap pulak daahhhhh. Setan betul! So aku pun buat keputusan untuk acknowledge tangan dia. Aku buat sharp move and pandang tangan dia.
Co-pilot: "eh, sorry.."
Masa aku ternampak tangan dia tu.. Entahlah, aku tak tau cemana nak describe rupa bentuk ataupun lokasi tangan dia tu, tapi dengan sepantas kilat aku terbayangkan betapa bestnya kalau aku ada gunting besa yang gardener selalu pakai tu.
Kalau korang tersempak aku ke, kau tanya la aku cemana gaya dia usap usap tu, nanti aku demo kat korang and see if you'd enjoy a stranger doing that to you.

Anyway, aku malas nak buat scene so aku buat bodo je la after that since dia dah tak buat lagi dah.
Lepas movie dia ajak join dinner lak, so of course lah aku ADA benda nak carik/beli kannn.. I told them to go ahead je. Bila dia tanya nombo bilik aku, aku buat buat lupa..
Sama macam time aku buat buat lupa bila ada orang surau tanya Bestie tinggal kat mana. Hahhahahaha!!

Aku rasa kalau aku ada mutant power, mungkin 'buat buat lupa' adalah power aku. And aku tau, muka aku muka "innocent". Kalau aku bitchy pun orang ingat aku memain. And diorang tak caya aku smoker selagi tak nampak asap kepul kepul kuar dari mulut aku.
Aku terer buat muka innocent/blur/comel.. Jangan jealous plis. Kikkikiki

Oh well, aku bersyukur sangat kengkawan aku yang co-pilot semuanya senonoh. (Or they wouldn't be my friends in the first place!) Kalau aku denga cerita pasal diorang, aku hampuk diorang cukup cukup sampai diorang dah bukan kawan aku dah!

Tak sabanyeee la aku nak balek umah. Tak saba tak sabaaa!!!
Tak saba nak cuti gak sebab kaki aku hodoh gila, keje 9 hari dalam masa dua minggu. Ughhh!

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S07E22

I always said I'd be happier alone
I'd have my work, my friends
but someone in your life all the time?
More trouble than its worth.

Apparently I got over it.



There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone.
It wasn't because I thought I'd be happy alone.
It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart I might not make it.
It's easier to be alone
because what if you learn that you need love and then you don't have it,
what if you like it and lean on it,
what if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart,
can you even survive that kind of pain?

Losing love is like organ damage.
It's like dying.
The only difference is death ends,
this... it could go on forever.


mm.. Thank you "Mer" for putting my feelings into words.

I've always feared a slow death. I personally prefer a quick one. You could say that I welcome an accident over cancer any day. Deteriorating just doesn't bode with me. (Hence my biggest fear remains losing my sanity, still.)

The same principle applies to my feelings on relationship.
If it must end, make it quick so I wouldn't die slowly from heartache.
But I suppose it's not possible to avoid heartaches when a relationship ends.

What about losing love though?
What if it was your one true love?
That one true connection that you shared with someone who wasn't obligated to love you in the first place?
Oh sigh.. don't let me think about this or I'll just start bawling uncontrollably.

Catch and release.

My bed has arrived!
Then in true spoilt-mode (not my fault), Dida got me a Jean Perry 428-thread count quilt set. Bahahhahaha! Thank youuuuu!
Perhaps one day I'll get myself a Cannon bedding. It's amazing to think that I grew up with Cannon bedsheets. They're bloody expensive but oh-so-comfy!
I suppose I have Papa to thank for teaching us to splurge on things that won't make us feel guilty. (Really, why would you feel bad when you get a good night's sleep?)

I feel good about the bed. But it feels awkward to sleep in a different room now. I used to sleep in the small room because.. well, I didn't need a big room. Then the bigger room unintentionally became somewhat of a store room, so now I feel like I'm sleeping in a new bed.. in the store room.
It's weird.
Especially since I haven't reorganized my things that I simply relocated some of my mess to the used-to-be bedroom. I don't know if you can imagine it but basically I now have two 'store rooms' with beds in them.

So today's my second day off. I'm bored. Like really bored! But I couldn't bring myself to go out thinking that I'll be on a five days trip starting tomorrow. Plus, I'm trying to control my shopping spree.
I'd like to think that there is nothing more that I could buy at the time being. I've got plenty of Moleskine stuff, I've already got myself a bed, a couple books left to read, enough bras and panties to last me until my next laundry day..
I just don't want to tempt myself into getting unnecessary things.
Especially when I haven't really de-clutter my rooms. ick!

I wish I was a domestic goddess..

Heartbreak.

There comes a point in life.. when all you feel like doing is to hurt the one you (supposedly) love.

I can't think of anyone who is more miserable than I am.
Why do I cry so much?
I've got to work in three hours, damnit!!

I'm tired..
I am honestly tired.

I have nothing more to say.. let alone nice things.

Can't this week just be over already?


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Smoking's bad for the health.

Especially when you're stuck in a smoke-free hotel; where you get penalized if you get caught smoking. sigh.
I went downstairs at one in the morning. I don't think I'd like to go again. This bloody hotel is eerily quiet. I hate it! Imaginations running wild.
Very bad for the health.

Anyway, I may quit smoking sooner than later.
Or at least I am limiting myself to two cartons a month. (please ignore that bit where I just confessed to having more than twenty boxes of cigarettes a month..)

I went out by myself today.
And I didn't buy a single thing for myself -- at all!
Well, I tried.. but I couldn't seem to use my debit card at the store.. and none of the ATM around could read my card. (I tried on about five or six ATMs; from different banks!) That was tiring.
And embarrassing considering the bunch of stuff that I'd left at the cashier with a promise that I would be back!
Hahahahahhahahah!!

sigh.
I know that sounds kinda pathetic, but in my defense I did try my best to get some more cash! It's frustrating really. This is my first time ever not having "enough cash" to get the things that I'd planned on getting.
But I suppose it wasn't really "planned" per se. But still!
Oh I need to laugh about this.
Padan muka.

I was the one that said to myself that I won't spend excessively. So.. I think.. this is God's way of not letting me to.
Bahahahhahaha!!

Ever notice that whenever something funny happened to me, it was somehow the works of a Higher Power? Hahahahhaha!!

Oh well.. can't wait to get home. I hate the idea of being in Taipei and not be able to shop. pshh!
Busy-phase of my roster is making me feel unwell. This sucks.

Weekend Getaway.

Perhaps all I needed was just that.

Currently in Swiss-Garden Damai Laut, Lumut with Dida.
Kat mana Lumut? Bukak ler atlas.. Tapi sebab zaman ni dah canggih, pegi la carik kat Google Maps.

I went to a spa for the first time today. I felt violated. I don't think I'll ever get used to having a stranger rubbing around my boobs and gluteous maximus.. with oil even!
I couldn't keep my thoughts away from the fact that they must've seen all kinds of boobs; big ones, shy ones.. Saggy ones.. Bahahahha!!

I'm missing my Monkey at the moment. (Yes, I know that it's only days ago when I went all mad-cow and say that I don't care about him.)
Perhaps it's just my Sagi nature.. Too much of anything makes one weary. Perhaps I was just sick having him around too much. Hahahhahaha!!

I'm a horrible girlfriend, honestly. A kitty cat one moment and a lioness the next.

Honestly, everyone should commend on Monkey for his patience to deal with me practically 24/7. I always wonder what he sees in me.
Perhaps he's just nuts.

The other day I was gushing about a particular supervisor to him. Heehee. Poor him having to listen about some other guy's hair and body. Bahahahah!!

I miss having a long vacay.
I'll be off to TPE on Tuesday. I'm excited, but I kinda wanted a vacation more. I like TPE. For whatever reason, I felt safe there. Even with the language barrier! -- it could turn funny sometimes.

Flights had been okay.
I managed to hang out with Julie, Debzie and Kidjie while I was in Manila. Funny to think that I had known them through the internet -- Facebook, specifically.

It was.. what, THREE years ago (almost four) when we were playing the same game on Facebook.
Amazing to think that we all (seventeen of us) still 'talk' to each other. I am not crazy about USA, but if I ever land there, I must must MUST call some people up. Heehee.

I had fun in Manila by the way. Did nothing extravagant but I enjoyed the company.

On my most recent flight, I had this lady that was on my to-AND-fro REP flight.
Apakahhhh?!!
Once I had a guy that was on a KUA return flight because he had wanted to give something to a relative there. Pretty determined, wouldn't you say?
So I asked this lady why was she on the return flight..

Apparently she had wanted to collect the mile-points to upgrade herself to Enrich Gold. Just that!
APAKAH?!!! Gila banyak duit kau.. And takde keje ke???
Then while in transit at REP I talked to her some more at the smoking lounge. She saw what I was smoking then commented, "good".
Eehhh?
She also mentioned that she's flying to Zurich in two days -- for work this time. So I had to ask what she does for a living.

"I work for Phillip-Morris"

HAHHAHAHAHAHHA!! No wonder lah that comment..

Anyway, I love passengers with amusing quirks.
When people asked me if I enjoy flying, these sort of people that'd make me say "yes".

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Lagu hit MCR tahun 2007.

I honestly can't recall how to be happy anymore.
I am not PMSing.
I am simply pissed-off 24/7.
Everything that anyone says or does are simply dull and unimportant. And I know that I don't sound too smart either.. surely.
I want to die.
I really do.
This is really.. just too boring to handle.
pfffffffft!!
I know what I'm about to say is going to sound wrong (even after when I said that I wanted to die) but I kinda wish for a heart attack at this very second. Seems fitting with the ache in my chest anyway. You know.. while I'm aching, might as well just have a heart attack.
You are welcomed to ignore my twisted logic by the way.

I'm sick of things not going my way.
I'm sick of feeling like I messed up when it's someone else's screw up.
I'm tired of growing up.. or growing old.
I'm plain fed up with being responsible.. or feeling like the only person that cares.. about anything. I want a freakin' lobotomy.
My head feels heavy.
Perhaps I'll die of a stroke.
That seems pretty fitting too.

I'm pretty sure that if I commit suicide that you'll find my note in this blog. Really.
Hmmm.. does that sound too morbid?
Well, I am morbid. Just because I haven't written anything of the likes in a while, doesn't mean that I've changed.

I don't think love will ever change me.
If I were a Beast, no amount of love would turn me into a beautiful princess -- no matter how I wish it would.
If I were a Frog, no kiss would turn me back into human form -- no matter how I hope it would.

I feel like a witch that had tricked the world to believe that she was a beautiful maiden with a spell.
And now this witch is too tired to keep up with that spell.

*mood lembu menggila*

Encem balik kampung.
Dalam masa 48-jam;
Jumlah pesanan ringkas yang dia hantar: LAPAN baris.
Jumlah masa dia telefon: KOSONG saat.

Is this really what I want?
An average of about five words every six hours??
Mungkin tidak.

Kadang kadang aku tak tau apa yang aku tengah buat skarang ni.
Ada hari aku tetiba terasa.. entah.. Blur. Am I going anywhere with this?
Perasaan "sia-sia" yang tak dapat dibendung.

Mungkin aku ni ala ala perfectionist kot. Ataupun kepala aku dah jauh diawangan. Berangan for the ideal boyfriend or a perfect relationship.

Aku rasa aku dah tahap kritikal sebenarnya.
Dulu aku rajin nak cuci pinggan, skarang aku fed up. Pandai pakai, pandai cuci la kan? Aku pun letih gak balek keje! Apa beza kau ngan aku kalau keje sama profession?
Kalau aku boleh tinggalkan rumah kemas, sampah terbuang so kau tak balik greeted by some foul smell.. kenapa kau takleh tolong aku buat benda yang sama?
Naaak jugak perap sampah basah dua tiga hari. Pastu komplen pasal menatang terbang terbang. hisy!
Aku tau la aku kuat sepah barang. Tapi barang ngan sampah lain kot!

Aku kata aku tak suka bercakap bila aku takde benda elok nak cakap.. tapi like I said, aku dah tahap kritikal.
Ada hari aku sakit hati sangat, dalam otak aku, aku tumbuk si Encem.
Aku sakit hati sebab dia buat macam aku hegeh hegeh gila kat dia!

Ego aku dah datang balik.
So pasal phone calls. Meh aku explain; kalau dulu, aku memang terasa bila dia tak message. Tapi the phone works both ways kan.. so aku lah yang akan message dulu.
Tapi takkan sampai bila bila pun aku kan??
*hegeh hegeh*
Tak kuasa la aku nak menggedik. Daripada menggedik baik aku marah je.

Aku marah. Aku sedih. Aku nak nangis.
Tapi apa aku dapat? Mata bengkak. Pastu nanti dia balik, happy je... as if nothing happened sedangkan aku kat sini terseksa jiwa batin.
Fed up la camni.
Aku pun nak happy, careless and free. Tapi aku takleh sampai ke tahap ignorant.

Sungguh aku dah takde mood nak menjaga hati.
Kau nak pancake, spaghetti, lasagna, cookies.. buat sendiri je. Kalau aku ter-rajin aku buat la. Tapi sungguh aku tak kuasa.
Aku tak suruh pun kau masak. All I ever wanted was a bit of your time and a conversation once in a while.. Susah sangat nak dapat!

FED UPPPPP!!

So, wahai Encem.. kalau lah terbaca entry ni.. awak buat la apa apa awak nak ye. Balik kampung hari hari pun boleh. Kawan ajak kuar? Silakan silakan..
For a while dah saya terasa macam kain lap kaki. Adeee je kat situ, bila awak nak pakai awak datang lah.

I shall master the art of not-caring soon enough.

Wassalam..

I'm just upset.
I'm not better than anyone. I don't have the rights to nag.
Forget I said anything.

Perihal kewangan..

Growing up not having much money to spend gives me a sense of not needing money to be happy.
**I had a happy childhood. Ignorance, innocence and fickle-mindedness did me good back then.

I was spoilt, but never on material things. My toys were hand-me-downs.
**Mostly because I always end up breaking them. Although I might have appreciated them more and took care of them had they been my own.. We'll never know.
I don't remember having a birthday party unless it's a shared one.
**So happens that a lot of my cousins, uncle/aunt were born in December. Dida too. We had a few of shared birthdays get-together.

So when I had my first job (sales girl at Kinokuniya in '06) I always say that I don't NEED to work. I don't NEED the money. I was fine just getting by. As long as I have enough to feed me, clothe me and ink in my pen, I'm happy.
Of course at this time I did have just enough money to keep me "happy".
People thought I was a rich spoilt kid who got a job as a hobby. Sure, saying my philosophical ideas out loud would make one think that I was from a wealthy background. Plus the fact that I'd spend more than RM200 on transportation alone each month to get to work when my pay was barely RM700.

And comes the Eid, I'd get some extra cash to spend frivolously.
An act of frivolity once a year really was fine by me. I didn't look like I was homeless, and somehow I managed to sit at the second row of James Morrison's show in '07. (Man I miss that guy..)

Anyway, fast forward to '09.. I started making more-than-enough money. Then somehow it feels like I need even more to keep me "happy".
Suddenly my goals became materialistic. Money oriented. "That Moleskine will make my collection complete", "if I have a pair of Louboutin's, I'll die happy", "that camera will satisfy me."

What happened really?
What happened to my philosophical values? Had it died with my dreams of writing? I feel ashamed when Encem calls me a writer. Or when he said that I could be a full-time writer if I quit my job. I am no wordsmith.
I am not even a world-traveller.
All I feel is like... A cabin crew.

Nothing wrong with that I suppose. I am honest at my job -- most of the time anyway. My smiles were sincere, or I wouldn't have smiled in the first place. I rarely ever lied; you could see the annoyance on my face when a passenger asked me to repeat the choice of meal for the third time. (ha ha!)
And I love it when I connected with a stranger.

But I always thought that there were something more. That all these connections and the places I've seen would bring me a sense of completion.
I don't feel a tad wiser from these.

Money ruined me.
Instead of enabling me to enjoy my life as it deserves to be enjoyed, money had just given me an excuse to hoard things that clutters the house.

And now I want a credit card.

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Kisah standby.

Sambung balik pasal cerita tukar kerja haritu. (Read: minggu lepas lepas kot!)

Alkisahnya, disebabkan ramai ORANG LAIN tukar keje, sesiapa yang on standby bulan lepas for sure kena call up! Encem standby tiga hari, tiga hari lah dia kena call. Mami standby kene call up. Aku standby tiga hari, first day dapat daily flight, second day dapat nightstop JHB.
JHB ye, bukan JNB.
Bahahhahaha!! HARAPAN!

Letih kot.
Aku tak suka standby. Kena kacau time tengah sedap tido.
Dengarnya bulan ni pun ada lagi bebudak akan berhenti for the greener grass on the other side.
Whatever floats their boats lah.

Time aku emosi tak stabil ni aku terasa la nak lari jauh jauh. Tapi seriously, all I need is to grow up.

I have nothing much to say really.
I don't like to say much when I have nothing nice to say.. That's how I carry myself most of the time anyway.

Later alligator!