Tuhan tolonglah aku.

I am staring at the screen.. trying to make words of my feelings.
I couldn't find any though..
I know how tiring it can get to read about all these negativities.. so if you are getting tired, PISS OFF AND GET THE HELL OUT OF MY BLOG!

I am feeling rather empty. A little too worn out I suppose. I don't intend to sound unappreciative of life but.. I really am tired of this constant roller coaster. I am a restless being, wishing for excitement and adventure and yet I am held stagnant. Sure a roller coaster is fun -- for the first couple of times, but after a while it gets boring. So you get on another ride, exciting at first but eventually it bores the hell out of you. This goes on for a while because you thought that there must be a roller coaster ride out there that you won't get tired of... but deep down you know.
You know that a roller coaster ride is just exactly what it is; a roller coaster ride.
Might as well you just sit on a bench. At least you won't be fooled by the idea of excitement when you'll be just as bored at the end of it.

To be honest with you, I don't know what that metaphor is really for. Perhaps it's just my life in general. I'm wishing for a life that matters. Hoping for a significant existence. But I feel like a blip. Small, unimportant and easily forgotten.
I know Dida said that I mattered. Yes, I matter to those whom loves me. But I feel nothing for myself.

Why does it seem like happiness is only temporary?
Or is that only just for me?
I was told that in a relationship you must hold on to the good times in the times of bad. But what if I can't do that? What if I am always haunted by the bad times? Does that mean that I shouldn't be in a relationship to begin with?

You know how recently I told you about what I wished for in the earlier part of my life? How I wished that by the age 27 I'd have a man that I could marry. Come to think of it, I'd only came up with "27" because I thought it was a good age to be married. (Not 27.. but around that.) But if you ask me whether I really want to be married.. not really.
It's flattering to have someone who would want to marry you, but am I really certain that I won't wonder if I've made the right decision?

And I am a true believer that your spouse should be your best friend. One that you trust the most. But.. I don't even trust myself. How am I supposed to trust another person??

ughhhh!! I am feeling so SHITTY right now!!
Perhaps I should just say what I'd wanted to say to the person that I need to say it to.