My dear Bestie,

Thank you for being such a good buddy.
Ever so patiently, listening to me whine about my boy-troubles. I'm pretty sure you get tired of listening to them as much as I do experiencing them, if not more..

I know being the man in the middle of the commotion is not fun. Having to keep all the secrets are never fun when you intend to keep them. heh. But I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being that man.

A part of me is sorry that you are friends with this hard-to-please person; constantly finding things that she is unhappy of. I truly am. Sometimes I feel stupid after saying so many things to you. Well, I meant all those things at the time I said it..
I'm emotional.. and brash. I suppose you already knew that.

I honestly wish that I'm stronger.. Capable of figuring things out on my own without having to spill my guts first to you. I'm like a fish in the river with people who thinks that "catch and release" is a sport; I was caught.. released.. Caught again.. released again...

So, sorry.. For having to listen to my complaints and sad stories over and over again..
Do know that I truly appreciate you for sticking around. You are awesome! I'm a lucky girl for having you as a friend.

Sincerely,
Caught Again.

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Gadis liar.

Kadang kadang time aku jiwa kacau ni teringin nak merasa gi party party.. Mabok mabok.. Dansa sampai esok pagi... Tapi aku rasa aku dah terlalu tua nak start. Hahahhahahaha!!

Culture shock umor 27 tahun? Tak kena gayanye...

So it makes me wonder.. Cemana bebudak zaman sekarang ni 'start' meliar eh? Time aku gi Wet World, diorang dah start 'hit the clubs' kee?
Atau maybe diorang dah practice their dance moves while aku gi meeting Persatuan Puteri Islam? Hmmm..
(Btw, usah ditanya cemana aku terjebak masuk Puteri Islam.. Aku pun ala ala blur..)

Anyway, aku tengah kebosanan.. Kebosanan, kebingungan lagi keletihan. Sungguh aku cakap, mental-wise aku tak kuat. Mungkin sebab tu aku ni senget sikit. Mungkin sebab itu aku patut ingat Tuhan lebih..

Adohai.. Aku rasa pusing pusing masalah aku ni saaaama je. Entah bila aku nak setelkan "masalah" yang satu ni. Aku ni pun satu hal.. Senang sangat distracted. Benci betul. Dapat senang sikit, terus lupa isu penting.

Bila laa nak blajar ni Wanie oii...

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That rookie mistake.

Kelmarin aku tertumpahkan jus oren kat passenger. Isyk. Dahlaa aku keje Business Class. Sungguh aku terasa bongok! Entahlaa.. bila dah keje dua tahun, aku tak rasa ada sebab aku boleh tertumpahkan air kat passenger. Ego aku tercabar disitu. Tapi entahlah.. dua tiga hari ni aku memang clumsy lebih. Aku memang jenis yang clumsy, tapi dua tiga harini memang berlebih lak. Dua tiga kali tertumpah gelas tapi kat diri sendiri je, so macam tak heran.. Sekali kena kat passenger.. cam gila aku mintak maaf kat dia.
Alhamdulillah dia okay je. Siap cakap, "don't cry over it," hahahahahha!! So korang boleh imagine kot how profusely I apologized to this man. haihh.. still.. Terasa down disitu.

Aku tengah fasa konfius ngan diri sendiri ni. Separuh hati teringin nak see what's so green about the grass on the other side.. Separuh hati kata aku patut stick to one thing for a change.
Hati aku ni senang sangat berubah.. Being "loyal" is actually a challenge.
Pasal kerja.. bukan aku stay sebab comfortable. To be honest aku bosan duk pusing pusing tempat sama; bulan ni saja aku sampai tiga kali double-Kuching nightstop! Bosan! Nak kata aku Kuching crew, kalau orang local cakap ngan aku, satu hape aku tak paham! Mimpi la aku nak baca Utusan Sarawak tu.. tergeliat lidah nak membacanya..

Aku rindu Europe. Tolonglah jangan cakap pasal plan plan Euro-trip korang. Aku rasa nak nangis. Kalau lah aku fluent in Dutch, dah lama dah aku apply KL ataupun BA walaupun dia takde opening. hahahahah! Tak kira la kalau kawan kawan aku nanti flying mothers.. sungguh aku tak kira!
haihh.. aku tengah sedih sebab aku konfius. Sungguh aku tak suka this feeling where I feel like I'm "running". Aku tak tau dah if challenging myself this way is a good thing.

Roster bulan depan alhamdulillah aku dapat trip 738 Incheon. hehehe. Takde laa gempak sangat tapi sebab orang lain semua dah dapat.. aku je laa pusing pusing Delhi ngan Taipei memanjang. So, finally! Turn aku lak, yeyyyey! Lepas tu tak ada Airbus ngan standby yang amat dibencikan. *sengih* And kalau kalendar kuda tak tipu, maka beraya bersama keluarga lah aku..
Rasa cam tak percaya je.. aku ni dah laa jenis tak apply cuti raya. So we'll see how lah. Maybe sebab aku dah lama tak balek rumah kot, rasa cam rinduuu je kat rumah dua tiga hari ni. Mama Papa pun bukan makin muda, ye dak?

Kadang kadang aku takut kalau diorang tak sempat tengok aku kawen.. or kenal anak anak aku.. Nak jugak aku tengok anak aku kena marah ngan atuk nenek diorang. (Kenapa kena marah? Sebab aku assume kalau anak anak aku, musti perangai nakal, kepala batu cam aku.. hahahaha! Adeh, tak keluar lagi dah bikin hati geram..)
Semua orang pun aku rindu sekarang, cemana? Encem yang ala ala hari hari gak aku jumpa pun aku rindu..

Siang tadi barang yang aku beli online sampai. Garang betul orang DHL ketuk mangga grill umah aku tadi.

Aku rasa aku lagi suka beli barang online.. Rasa excited lebih! Rasa cam stalker abes bila dia kasi tracking number. Sikit sikit aku refresh. Barang aku dari Portland.. Pegi Cincinnati.. pastu ke Hong Kong.. then entah cemana tersesat ke Shenzen.. pastu balek Hong Kong.. and then tau tau dah kat Subang! hihihi..

Tapi itulah.. sebab senang sangat sekarang nak shopping, aku rasa aku kena set berapa maximum amount aku boleh spend online setiap bulan. 100USD cam tak cukuup je. HAHAHHAHAHAHAH!! (Aku memang overrr.) So sekarang aku tengah pikir barang apa yang aku LEBIH nak.. isyk.
Aku ni suka benau buat pening diri sendiri..
Anyway, yang penting, bulan ni nekad nak bukak akaun untuk simpan duit tiap bulan. Haritu konon bukak Maybank untuk simpan duit. End up bukak Maybank jadi lebih berbelanja gara gara senangnya nak membuang duit pakai debit card. Isyk isyk isyk ISYKKK!!

Dah! Tak mau tulis dah. Aku ni balek dari flight, remove mekap pastu duk depan laptop. Ntah pape. Excited sebab finally dapat dua hari off!
Ohh! Update pasal aku pegi ofis aritu.. End up aku dah ada satu misconduct sebab hanta mc lambat. Terima kasihlah syaitann! Lambat sikit pun nak berkira.. (Okaylaa.. lambat macam tiga minggu camtu..) Tapi oyy! Aku hanta okaayyy.. A real medical leave letter, bukan surat Papa tulis macam time time skolah dulu.. hmmph! Nyampah. Buat sakit ati je jumpa ngan Fleet Adviser aritu. Kata warning, tapi masuk gak dalam file.. papelahh!
Yang penting, aku dah buat dah 2nd cycle Crew Performance Check (CPA) aku.. wheee! Dah tak payah nak pikir dah untuk masa enam bulan. Malas!

Nak cutiii!! Rawrr!

No Air.

..perasaan cinta gila separuh mati.
Kalau berbalas, best lah. Kalau bertepuk sebelah tangan.. tertonggeng kecewa.

I admit, I have my days. I also admit that I tend to be overly emotional at "that time of the month". Funny how God made our body work. Is it 'healthy' to let one lose control of their emotions? I think not.

Remind me not to take leave around the time I'm PMSing. So happens that I was late last month. I actually skipped last month! You would think that after fourteen years you'd have a stable cycle.. psshh!

I was on standby this past few days. Called up to Male on the first day. (It's a night flight; so they can't call me on the second day.) Yesterday I was called up for JHB nightstop.. Which was awesome because Encem was doing a JHB nightstop as well! I was joining a different set which is good 'cause I don't like working with him. hehe
My point; feels like God's telling me that I should be with him. Hahahhahahahhahaha! Trust me to take a coincidence and interpret is as fate/destiny..

So anyway, I'm in JHB..
Trying to fight off a cold. Been feeling a tad under the weather for a while but my body seems to have managed to fight off any real illness so far. I was comparing medical book with a colleague yesterday before flight. I've used almost two pages of the book while she'd used up five! Hahahahaha. I thought it was amusing.

I'm dreading tomorrow.. Of having to commute to the office to see my Fleet Advisor because "apparently" I hadn't submitted my mc letter -- in JANUARY! Dah enam bulan pun nak berkira. Bengap. Macam la aku suka suka nak mc. And macam la senang nak dapat mc in the first place pun!! Grrr.. One day off pun nak kacau. Cinabeng.

Moving on, I need to keep my spending in check. I bought a couple of panties the other day just because I was LAZY to do the laundry! See, money ruined me.
Which reminds me, I haven't gone back to Shah Alam in a while. I've had lunch with Mama last Friday and saw HP7 Part 2 with Dida that night.. I now feel like I owe Papa a breakfast.. hehe.

I hope next month's roster will be out by tomorrow. Just looking forward to see the off days honestly. I refuse to feel any excitement for the flights I might (not) get. Ughh. Getting disappointed BLOWS!

Oh well, I should get some more sleep.
Have a good day everyone! Take good care of yourself, and your loved ones..

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Your Love Is My Drug

I don't care what people say
The rush is worth the price I pay
I get so high when you're with me
But crash and crave you when you are away..

Pernah karaoke lagu Ke$ha tak? Bapak kelakar.. kau cakap cakap cakap pastu tetiba nyanyi time chorus. Bengong. Ke$ha yang bengong. (Cakap cam kawan je..)

Anyway, kepada Kera Anak Ikan Patinku yang kusayang-tapi-kadang kadang-menyampah, Selamat Ulangtahun yang Ke-2. Congratulations kat saya je sebab awak dah penah merasa kan being in a relationship for two years dengan pompuan mana ntah.
Aku ni je yang ala ala susah sangat nak commit, umor 27 tahun baru first time merasa being in a long-term relationship. Bengong. Aku yang bengong.
Honestly aku pun tatau cemana boleh sampai dua tahun ni.Lama betul rasanya. Kalau ikutkan dah banyak kali sangat dah sedih, makan hati, gaduh bagai.. Kera, awak ada bakat hypnotize orang eh?

Terima kasih lah sebab banyak bersabar dengan saya. (Saya pun banyak bersabar dengan awak!) Terima kasih juga sebab awak tak give up untuk cuba kasi yang terbaik kat saya. Saya tau, tak senang untuk awak layan kerenah saya. Biaselah.. orang tua.. paham paham je la.. hihihi

Anyway, moving on..
When I applied for my leave, I had the sun and beach in mind.. I was really hoping that I would be away from home. An actual holiday where I'd come home with a bit of tan and a funny story to tell.
But tomorrow's my last day off.. and I'd went nowhere.
I'm disappointed honestly. Aku tak tau apa nak cakap. Tapi kemungkinan besar aku kecewa dengan diri sendiri. Entahlah..

Kadang kadang aku pikir lebih baik aku berdiam diri daripada aku cakap benda yang orang tak suka nak dengar. Tapi apakah pointnye bila kau diam tu, end up semua orang hidup berpura pura. Atas alasan tak mahu kecikkan hati orang lain. Hati kecik kau, sape nak kesiankan?

Hmmph.. dah. Aku tak nak blog pasal ni dah. Dah aku sakit hati sendiri. Bengong.
Aku memang bengong.

Lama gak menyepi..

Amusingly, a junior; just five-months flying, told me recently that on first impression he thought that I was the bitchy-type..
Well, damn straight boy! Hahahahhaha
Terkejut sekejap sebenarnye, tapi kalau difikirkan aku memang ala ala malas nak layan orang sangat. And I get that my honesty can be a little harsh sometimes. Oh well..

Haritu aku buat flight airbus ke Delhi. Alhamdulillah set semua okay. Aku bersyukur sangat aku tak mc. Rugi kot kalau tak pegi. Passenger takde la teruk sangat. (Teruk la juga kan..) Tapi sebab set semua supportive and tak menyusahkan, memang rasa bersyukur sangat lah!
Lepas flight sempat lak nak duduk lepak sama.. Pegi breakfast sama.. Lepas tu aku end up keluar jalan dengan Captain, Chief, and a very senior steward.
Oh! And apa yang aku beli kat sana? Monopoly set dengan harga INR 399 -- adelaa dalam RM 30 camtu. HAHAHAHAHHAHA!! Best. Menyesal tak bawak check in bag, kalau tak aku dah borong lagi banyak board games.

Harini hari kedua annual leave aku sebenarnye. Tak ke mana pun. hmmph.
Agak mengecewakan.
Tapi rumah semak, so patut aku stay je rumah and kemaskan rumah kot. But still.. Jalan jalan time keje dengan jalan jalan time cuti lain..
Aku nak gi bercutiiiiii!!!

The deafening silence.

Sigh.
I've been trying my hardest not to turn into an old mad cow for the past few days.. And I think I've pretty much succeeded. Kan?
Tapi dalam hati ada jungle..

I suppose there isn't anything new to write about. It's always the same thing. Over and over again.

If things are not meant to be, there is no point in forcing it right? I feel like crying, but I think I've cried too much already. It's a wonder how one never runs out of tears to cry though..

So my dear readers, I apologise in advance should this blog is filled with dark and hopeless entries in the coming days. I am unsurprisingly in a dark empty space and it feels like my Sun had decided to hide behind the clouds endlessly.

I know my ego brings me nowhere, and I am nowhere near trying to "win". It was never about winning. It has always been about meeting me halfway.
But I'm done waiting like a fool.
How messed up could one be to get teary eyed from an Eminem song anyway?! Gila!

So..
Hmmm...
I gotta stop writing before I accidentally cry in this saloon I'm in. Ha - ha! I am so emotional these days, it's really not funny.

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