Of perfections.

Yeaaah..
I was/am crazy, hence the previous entry.

To be truth, I am generally happy.
Apart from the outburst earlier, everything else in my life has been going on alright.

I've practically got my health back, Alhamdulillah.. I can easily forget that I still have the coughs, so it's okay.
I was on standby for the past three days; first day I was called up for BKK and back, and on the third day I did PEN and back! Super simple sectors, and I was absolutely free to go out on the second day!
Alhamdulillah..

So what exactly did I do on that second day?
I threw around some money, of course! HAHAHAHHA!! Bought the ONE thing that I've always always wanted for my bedroom; Cannon Silktex 400 thread count!
Look it up fellas..
I swear, now I wish to die in bed.
Thread count wise, it's not as high as Egyptian cotton would be.. but like I said, you should go out to the bedding section of your favourite departmental store and feel the awesomeness of Silktex yourself! heehee.

Anyway, I feel older for enjoying myself when I buy things for my home. Feels a bit.. less selfish, somehow..? Just kinda.

Next month's roster sucks ass. I am trying my best not to complain.. (Fact: I threw my Blackberry the moment I saw my roster in my email!) It was THAT bad. I'm still trying not to complain..
After all, I do have my annual beach-getaway with Dida to look forward to! yayyy! Finally!!

So yeah, maybe Sags are positive thinkers after all..
-- when you count out the emotional outbursts, of course! hahahha

Emo mthrfckrrr!

Are you worthy of having my whole heart?
Are you truly worthy of getting my unconditional love?
Pada kau la kan.. Layak ke engkau???!

I am barely hanging on. You don't seem to notice. God knows how hard I'm trying to hold on when in fact I am so tired.
So so tired.
Aku lelah hati ni.. Pusing pusing benda samaa je. You said that you're exposing yourself little by little so you'd seem to be a little mysterious.. So I wouldn't get bored.

Well, I am bored. So you FAILED! Ha - ha! I am bored of putting my heart out to be crushed by you again and again.
I'm tired and frustrated and half of my heart is already out the door.
And yet I'm still here. I don't know what I'm waiting for. Maybe I'm just stupid for staying around.
I feel nothing but like a fool.

So thanks!
For 'helping' me become the fool that I am today. You're awesome just the way you are. All sunny and happy..
I don't belong with you, really.
Doesn't matter whether I hide my heart or actually speak out. Nothing ever changes.

Sent from my BlackBerry® via Vodafone-Celcom Mobile.

Sentap lagi?

I wonder how I would be had I been a less-emotional person.
I know that you're not supposed to wish to be someone else, and I'm not really.. I'm just wondering.. Perhaps there is still time for me to become that person.

I want to feel less.
To not care.
To cry less.
To not hurt as much.

I'm in that sombre mood I suppose.
I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul. I want you to notice when I'm not around. I wish I was special..
And yes, I am quoting Radiohead because that is exactly how I feel at this very moment.

I'd love to wish for nothing. I want to be stoic. Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe I'm letting go.
I don't belong here.
I don't belong anywhere with you.

And yes, this entry is personal and general at the same time because I am crazy.

Sent from my BlackBerry® via Vodafone-Celcom Mobile.

To dream the dream..

Lately I've been speaking to people who reckons that I should be something else -- career-wise.
I find it... amusing how they have more faith in me than myself.
I wonder if my lack of enthusiasm in their suggestions were based on the fact that I am supposed to know myself best.. or just that I'm a scardy-cat underneath.
Fear of rejection keeps me stagnant. Unadventurous, if you like.

Honestly I don't even know.
That bit of me who dreams of being what I had always wanted to be is still alive.. somewhere inside. And I do realize that it's pretty easy to forget when I've been so busy juggling between my job and getting worked up over my personal life! (haha!)
I wish I have a definite answer to this question. (Was there a question?)

Maybe someday?
I do hope that I'd get the chance to somehow materialize that dream though.
Someday...
Definitely someday...
I would definitely jump into it whole-heartedly someday. (And I am typing this while grinning.. this sucks! I can't seem to take myself seriously somehow. ughhh!!)

Perhaps when I am more stable and calm.. Maybe then. (Still grinning.)

Funny how you always thought of doing something but always ended up doing something else.
I never imagined myself in the service industry honestly. I'm too brash and selfish. But somehow I enjoy being around people.
Oh well, maybe someday I will get to a point where I would write about them in a more.. err.. serious way.
Someday.

Oh by the way...

Does anyone feel like I'm getting a bit more.. stupid, lately?
I miss the days when I write like this.

Aku dan demam panasss.

(tiada dalam gambar; ubat batuk jenis cecair..)

Orang kata bila kita sakit, Tuhan ampunkan dosa dosa kecil kita.. Betul ke?
So kalau aku dah sakit since Raya kedua, apa maksudnya? Dosa aku banyak sangat sampai tak terampun dalam masa dua tiga hari? Dah Syawal ke-16 dah, ini aku tak kira time aku start dengan batuk time Ramadhan!

Okaylaa, aku jugak degil sebab taknak jumpa doktor. Siapa suka jumpa doktor kan? (Unless boyfren/girlfren korang doktor laa.. ataupun korang harapkan doktor tu bakal jadi boyfren/girlfren korang!) Lagi lagi dengan profession aku ni. Diorang tengok logo depan medical book aku je, diorang bajet aku nak mintak mc sebab malas keje. Memang bikin hati gua panasss. (terkeluar gangster kat situ.)
Jadi seperti biasa, selagi aku tak rasa sakit macam nak mati, memang aku takkan tunjukkan muka aku kat klinik.

So kelmarin baru lah aku pegi jumpa doktor.. Klinik biase aku adalah Klinik Anis kat Seksyen 3, Shah Alam. Itu memang klinik aku lah! Sejak aku kecik aku pegi situ, kad rekod aku dah kaler kuning kuning dah punye lah lama dah wujud.. Doktor yang bertugas, Dr. Asvinder kot namanye. Punye tere dia ni, aku cakap aku demam dia tanya aku patut fly mana.. Aku jawab Miri, dia kata "Alaa dekat je.." (Dekat dekat pun, pikap aku pukul 0530, duty end time adalah 1405.)
Lalu dia letak strip ala ala nak tengok power battery banyak lagi ke tak tu kat dahi, dan penuh terkejut bunyiknye dia cakap, "Oh, you demam!"
Aku pun reply, "Abestu you ingat I berlakon kee??"
Pastu dia tanya aku bila last mc... aku flip medical book aku yang berada di depan DIA dan jawab, "March.. Allergic amenda ntah.."
Nak tau apa dia respon lepas tu?
"Buat laa allergy test.. 1500 je.."
Ada dua tiga kali gak laa dia mengiklankan allergy test yang bernilai RM1500 tu kat aku.

So anyway, aku pulang dengan ubat demam, antibiotik, selsema, kahak, batuk dan mc untuk sehari.
Terima kasihlah Iqbal kerana sudi menjadi pak supir pada malam itu dari Bukit Jalil ke Shah Alam dan ke Bukit Jalil semula..

Keesokkan harinya aku pulang ke Shah Alam atas saranan Mama yang risau sebab Encem kerja, so takde sape nak jaga aku..
Dah jadi cerita harini lak.. Patutnya aku buat flight Hyderabad, tapi sungguh aku tak larat. Badan baru ala ala nak kebah demam, tak ke susah nak baik kalau asyik dikerah tenaga je? Maka aku pun ajak Dida yang sesuka hati amek EL harini, untuk bawak aku gi klinik.. dengan harapan supaya aku dapat mc lagi supaya aku dapat berehat.

Doktor kali ni namanya Dr. Gowdh. Dia tengok aku, amek kiraan nadi aku sambil ambik temperature aku pakai electronic thermometer. (Doktor aritu tak sentuh pun thermometer!) Selepas berapa saat ntah dia tengok bacaannya; 39°C! Hahahahhaha.. tak sempat aku nak berlakon sakit, rupanya memang aku masih sakit! Ni paling best.. pada hari yang aku rasa macam ala ala nak kebah ni, suhu aku adalah 39°C!! hahahahaha! Aku tak tau nak cakap apa dah.. Time haritu aku rasa miserable abes tu suhu aku berapa?? 41°C??

So kesimpulannye aku memang terer demam. Takde nye nak demam sikit sikit. Kalau nak demam terus demam panas. Siap doktor ni cakap, kalau by esok tak elok lagi aku patut pegi Medical Centre untuk buat blood test! huhuuu.. Aku pon tak tau lak demam aku seganas ni.
Tapi semalam mimpi aku memang tak tenang laa.. dok terpikir Hyderabad laa.. tetiba ada pasal Pune laa.. Aku pon tak tau laa.. Naseb tak meracau dalam Hindi je..

Nak dijadikan cerita lagi, dalam dua hari aku call Duty Officer, dua dua kali aku bercakap ngan orang orang cibai. Entah apa masalah diorang ntah, jawab telefon pun lambat! Bila aku sebut "117" je nada diorang jadi lain. Macam laa aku ni kaki mc sangat. Ini first time aku mc flight Indian-route kot! I doubt diorang perasan la kan.

So anyway, I hope Karma will get their asses. Aku taknak doa specific, aku tak sampai hati. Kalau kalau memang aku ada tulah Raden ke Pangeran Jawa keee.. tak pasal pasal je. Aku memang pemarah, tapi rasanya belom lagi tahap busuk hati..
Also, kepada sahabat handai dan juga penumpang penumpang yang kurang bernasib baik, naik flight aku dari 31 Ogos sampai 10 September haritu.. harap maaf ye kalau virus virus aku dah termelekat kat korang. Sungguh, tak disengajakan..

So I'll ask nothing..

Last month I wrote to myself; no lingeries for two months!
hmmmphhh!!!
Bloody Victoria's Secret and its offers..

 So my "plan" to save up failed once more.
In my defense though.. It's not completely my fault! I was born a girl after all.. and isn't it a fact that the female sex is weaker to temptations? (Ask Eve! HAHAHHAHAHAHHA!)
Oh well.. not everything that I bought are for myself.

Things to buy once I get this month's pay (yes, I've already thought of it!); film scanner (I've looked it up at Low Yatt the other day.. I don't care, I'm getting one!) and an Instax for Izzati's birthday!
Apparently my niece is into photography as well.. and she especially loved my Instax after she had the chance to play around with it during our Raya photo-sesh. So I suppose it is my aunty-duty to encourage her...
sigh.. How do you get an 8-year-old to understand that photography is an expensive hobby though?

 Anyway... Nothing much going on lately other than my stormy mood.
I think I just need to stop having expectations.. Stop asking for things.. Stop dreaming..? hahahaha! I am going to sound nothing but morbid if I continue.
Oh.. hmmph.. Sometimes I forget what I want.

 #crewlife
I kinda made a lady cry before flight today. Apparently she and her husband and baby checked in late earlier so they were seated separately. I couldn't simply change their seats since she was at row 14; where the emergency exits were. Anyway, I left her for a bit while I attend to the other passengers board and looking for a place for her and her family. (It was a full flight from KK.. naturally!)

Just right before the door closes, I managed to talk two ladies into giving away their seats so this family could sit together.. and when I walked to the earlier lady to tell her the news, I found her crying! I asked the poor man seated next to her if he knew what was up and he confusedly shook his head. What's worse, that lady seemingly unable to hear me say that I've found her two seats for her and her family. (The git!)
Anyway, I went to her husband and asked him to get her moving so the two good ladies could sit down. 

Moral of the story?
Ask, and you shall receive. (Unless you're me, that is!) Tapi tolong jangan mengada nak nangis nangis boleh tak? Dah besau panjang koooot.. Kat public koooot.. isyk! She herself knew that they were late to check in. So? Nangis buat apaa? Salah sendiri kan? Buat orang susah hati je.. Nyampah!

Part Of Your World.

Sometimes my brain gets a little funny by having that The Little Mermaid soundtrack on loop.
Might be embarrassing (and slightly pathetic) to admit this but I've cried to it once.
I guess I couldn't help but still feel so foreign even when I'm with friends. An outsider. I suppose it's just one of those things that you get when you're so adamant to be yourself. A little side effect to your quirks.

I never wanted to be a simpleton. Maybe in the way that I live, but never in my mind. But I can't help feeling like there's a constant battle inside of me that I can't seem to shake off.

Being typical sends me the shivers and yet at the same time I don't want to be so different that no one could understand me!
But that's how I feel most times anyway. Different, even when I'm not trying to be.

I don't even know what I'm trying to say here!
Maybe I'm saying nothing..
Or maybe that I wish that some days.. Or at least someday.. Someone will finally get me. Someone who is ever so willingly to accept me for whoever that I am, no judgement. Someone that I can truly be myself with without fear. Someone whom catches me even before I fall. Someone who wouldn't have left me crying by myself if crying is what I felt like doing.

I can't help feeling so alone these days.
Patience is not my strong suit and I'm so tempted to wander off..

Sent from my BlackBerry® via Vodafone-Celcom Mobile.

Hole on my foot.

Apparently I am more accident prone when I'm unwell..

Hello readers! It's been a while!
Happy Eid-ul Fitr to all of you who celebrates it! I hope you guys paid your zakat, and remember how many days you missed during Ramadhan. heh!

My Raya was alright. At least I got the first day off and I still manage to beraya on the second day since my flight was in the morning.
Which reminds me.. I need to get an alarm clock!
(There's a long story that I don't feel like typing out, but to cut it short; I had a morning flight, and during the night my alarm AKA my bloody phone -- hanged! Pffft!)

Oh wow it's been such a long time.. I've been to Jakarta -- where I stubbornly went to HRC by myself -- and back. Went to Perth -- and got Jojo's phone number! (Hahahahhahahaha!! Sorry, inside joke *wink!*)

All the while being sick too! Fever, flu and cough is a terrible combo. A really terrible time to be on flight too!
Dear parents out there, I pray that you won't have to travel with your babies on a plane. The helplessness of not being able to help a child clear up their blocked ears is simply heartbreaking.

Good thing about being too busy to blog though; you won't have to read me write like a manic cow. Because pretty much, that's what I've been lately. Bloody mood swings.

Sometimes I feel sorry for Encem since he's the usual victim of my tantrums, but most times... Not really! If he'd taken better care of my heart I wouldn't have to be all emotional and crazy! Hahhahaha!

Oh well, you're going to die alone anyway. I should really get the words engraved to my brain. Romanticism makes me pathetic. I don't know why I need anyone to take care of me when I should be able to do it anyway. sigh..
Sometimes I wish I wasn't too much of a girl that I am.

Illusions of grandeur shall ruin me.

(See? Mood swings..)

Sent from my BlackBerry® via Vodafone-Celcom Mobile.