Too much..

Too much of anything is never a good thing..

I had the last three days off.. and now I am just so lazy to get to work tomorrow.. pfft!
Three days trip, HERE I COOME! *fake enthusiasm*

And I know I've said this before, but I'm gonna say it again; I really hate it when I'm just so used to having Encem around. pfft!
I am an addict, I tell ya!
Good thing that I'll only be away for three days.

sigh. Three days.
Oh well. I hope you guys are having a good week.
Oh, and, welcome to the family, Cik Amyan.. Hope to see you soon!

Sedih.

Happiness is temporary.
At least that's how I always feel anyway.
Maybe I'm just needy.
Point is, I'm disappointed.. I am always the one being forgotten. Or taken lightly of. And I have no idea how to change that!
So I'm disappointed.. Frustrated.. Sad.

Haritu aku fly dengan sorang tech crew yang membesar kat Shah Alam. Turned out dia pun skolah Raja Muda, panggil area Seksyen 16/17/18++ "Seberang", and agree that Bukit Jelutong bukanlah Shah Alam!
Hahahahhahahahaha!
Terhibur hati aku.
Banyak jugak aku berbual ngan dia. To a point where sampai sakit tekak gak la.

Sebenarnya aku tengah lelah hati. Letih.. Sangat letih...
Hari Isnin lepas buat empat sektor. Reporting 0735, abes keje 1755.
The very next morning aku start on trip empat hari.. (Malam ni last night di Labuan.) Finally esok balek rumah!

Aku sorang je pompuan (selain supervisor) dalam set. Letih. Hari hari memain flirt. Hahahhahaha! I know this is going to sound bad, but it's a bit boring to not be able to do anything more than just flirt.
HAHHAHAHHAHA!!
And I hate the bit where they seem to be more interested in me than my own boyfriend. Huhuuu.
Ye, saya tahu, saya perempuan yang lemah lagi fickle. Tralalalaa..

Anyway, balek trip esok.. Then lusa buat empat sektor lagi!
Roster aku minggu ni memang ntah hape hape. Aku simpaaan je dalam hati betapa letihnya aku sebenarnye. Sure, I'm writing this on my blog, but I'm not exactly twisting your arm to read it, kan?

Aku tak paksa korang untuk baca. And yet korang baceee gak blog aku ni.
So I thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for being curious, for wanting to know what's been going on with my life.
Thank you.
Sangat.
You have no idea..

Speechless.

To not know what your next move is.
To be clueless.
To be speechless.

I realize that when something truly bad happens, I'd go completely still..
I wouldn't know what to do next.
What do I do next??

You know, "Hazwani" means pemberianku.. or "my gift"..
WHOSE gift????
Tell me, whose gift am I??
Because I sure don't feel like a gift.
Useless, more like.
Like one of those little crystal trinkets that you put in the display cupboards; they're pretty to look at, but completely useless!
I suppose some people do give out those crystal trinkets as gifts.. So maybe I am just that.

Anyway, I don't know what to do. Words failed me this time.
I just wish I could do something, is all.

S08E14

There are times in our lives when love really does conquer all

Exhaustion..

Sleep deprivation..

Anything.

And then there are those times when it seems like love brings us nothing but pain.

Sometimes we ease the pain by making the best of what we have,

Sometimes it's by losing ourselves in the moment,

and sometimes all we need to do to ease the pain is call a simple truce.

I'm a big fan of Grey's Anatomy.

I suppose you should know that if you had been following this blog.

Honestly I am a fan of most things with a monologue. I find it most interesting when there's an explanation to why things happen. Or the thoughts that triggered something.

When someone does something, I want to know why they did it.

It's either that or that I feel like I am constantly doing a monologue myself. So I feel the similarity between me and Mer. Only her thoughts are more put together compared to my incoherent rambling.

Well, I'm home alone again.

Feels like I'm the loneliest I've ever been this month. Roster's been unmerciful I suppose.

I was the assist crew on my flight today and my Primary Two (a steward.. well, a stewardee really) held my hand so tight during take off. He said that he always get scared of take-offs on a 737-400. I didn't think much of it. His hands truly were cold.

I was mostly uncomfortable because the rings that I wore were pressing against my fingers so hard.

I am still missing Encem. Between our work and his trips back to Kuantan, I don't get to see much of him. His father isn't doing so good, so I am trying my very best to be the understanding girlfriend. Which I do -- understand. So I don't get mad. Just sad..

I could probably count the hours that I had seen him this month so far.

We spent a few hours just talking last night. I'd missed that. It's little things like that that reminds me why I am with him in the first place.

Why I feel the way that I feel.

Why I get so emotional sometimes to a point where I feel like I should check myself to a psych-ward.

Aaaanyway, I hope things work out for the best.

I know he's not feeling his best, having to be away from his father's side at a time like this.

Our job sucks... when it comes to these sort of things.

Speaking of fathers, I haven't spoken to mine in weeks. We had a little spat over some stupid thing and now, like always we're duelling with our egos.

Let's call it principle. Or stubbornness; it sounds much better than "ego", right?

My father is a stubborn man.

I'm just giving him a taste of his own medicine.

Let's just say that my stubbornness is my super-power. Be it a dark one, at least I'd seem cooler.

I do feel evil for talking to everyone else in the family but my dad.

Moving on, I am the heaviest I've ever been in my entire life!

"become a hot-stuff" -- MY ASS!

Weighing at 56.5 kilos with flabby everything, I am nowhere near to being a hot-stuff!

Encem says that it's a sign of happiness, since he too had gained a little weight.

Oh well, maybe I am.. Happy.

Just maybe.

I thank God for my present weightless heart and calm mind.

I thank God for words. Ones that flows from my heart to my lips and through my fingers as I am typing this.

I thank God for my life. The family that I was born into, the paths that had led me to my job, to Encem.

I thank God for my sanity.

Alhamdulillah..

Retraction.

Aku tarik balek umpatan aku pasal captain semalam..

Tetiba teringat dalam banyak banyak kali dia call ke cockpit tu, ada sekali dia just suruh tengok view kat luar; matahari terbenam selari dengan bulan naik.. Apparently it only happens during full moon.
So yeah.. disebabkan itu, aku rasa aku tak patut cakap tak elok pasal dia. hihi..
The view was.. extraordinary.
Sumpah, sangat cool.

And that is why my friends, I adore my job!
Even when I have to do BLR, MLE, CMB or HYD.. nothing compares to the view of the moon, the city lights and sunrise from up above.
My work feeds my obsession with the sky. hehe

Holes inside.

Bestie finally showed me One Day starring Anne Hathaway and Jim Sturgess. (That is one fine man.. not hot, nor handsome. More to cute really.)

Made me think about soulmates.. (I can honestly say, that must be one of my favourite topics!)

Sometimes I wonder if Encem was truly meant for me.. or the other way round.

Sometimes I feel like it's better to not have found your soulmate.

In a way, if it doesn't turn out great.. you could say, "oh well.. he/she had never been my soulmate in the first place."

Whereas when you found "it".. and somehow things still doesn't turn out great, you'd have nothing to blame. Nothing to say.

Or it does turn out great.. you get married.. have beautiful children.. sleep in each other's embrace each night.. grow old together.... And one of you dies.

Then you'd be left with a hole in the heart.

Hmmph!

Sometimes I wish that I was never in love in the first place.

Getting burned, I can handle.

Being left with a hole...

The thought just scares the crap out of me.

Anyway, I'm missing my boyfriend..

We keep missing each other because of work. My heart is simply aching, and I don't think he has any idea how that feels.

Now on to work.. (Distractions.. distractions..)

The other day, a passenger asked for a warm beer.

Yes.

WARM beer.

When I told him that all our beers are chilled because it's meant to be served chilled, he instructed me to put the beer can in hot water. pffft! Pandai lah kau nak mengajar aku..

I was called up to Delhi on Monday and dear God, I was prepared for the passengers.. but the Bollywood Crew on my flight was hopeless!! I wasn't proud of it, but I admit.. I cursed a lot during the flight. And you could say that I was kiiinda bitchy that day.

My patience was thinning, so yeaaah..

And on a flight where everyone else was only catered ONE meal.. and us cabin crew had time only to have our meal ONCE.. the captain asked to have another go at the extra meals forty minutes before landing!

Pandai kan? Dahlaa makan dua kali.. Just before landing lak tu.. macam lah orang senang lenang sangat, nak layan dia sorang. pffft!

Lepas ni aku nampak captain ni, aku request awal awal taknak keje depan or keluar jalan or makan ngan dia! (Ada cerita lain tapi panjang nak taip.. malas. hehe)

Last week I spent the entire night talking with Chacha in BKI. He was doing some other flight but we were both nightstopping there that night. It was really nice. Been so long since I actually stayed up all night.. just talking. I've met a bunch of people, working in this line, but really.. to have someone that you could talk to for a whole night with is a rare find. Lepak bilik, minum kopi, smoke.. Cerita pasal life.. langsung tak masuk pasal company or gosip gosip. Instead of meeting again for breakfast, kitorang pegi breakfast dulu baru lah reti nak tido.

Terasa cam time time study dulu.. hahahha!

And my good friends had always been boys... pffft!

Oh well, I should head to bed now.

Macam tak letih je balek dari Delhi, sedangkan tulang belakang ni dah bunyik cam letup letup dah!