Annual Leave.

My leave started yesterday and so far, I'd done nothing much nor gone nowhere far.
I did however had a get together with the few of my favourite people on Earth yesterday. Just a typical gathering I suppose.. Just me, Encem, Bestie, Mumu, Mamita and Baby Ezra! heehee..
I'm pretty sure that if you'd seen us in Midvalley yesterday, it would have seem a bit odd. Five young adults pushing a baby stroller.

I don't know, it just felt weird. It still feels like when we were back during training days, but the fact is that Mami is now a mother of a 5-month old baby, Mumu is married and I am in a relationship with Encem. hahahahahha!
Just 17 days away to mark the third year we've been with the company. It doesn't feel that long.

I still remember how we used to have the mamak-session right after training, until 8 pm everyday.
Mami was sort-of single.. hahahha!
Mumu hadn't met her spouse yet..
Encem and I were just friends.
And Bestie.. well, Bestie tags himself as "forever-alone".

It's fun when the four of us who are still flying gets the same day off. So far we'd always do something together on that day. And next month's roster is kind enough to let us have two off days together. It's not consecutively unfortunately, but I'll take what ever that I can get! We're planning on a potluck at Mami's place and I'm pretty certain that we're all excited about it!

Oh I'm really hoping that I'll be doing something fun in the next few days...

Pulling heaven down.

Serious shifts in mood, energy, thinking, and behavior–from the highs of mania on one extreme, to the lows of depression on the other. More than just a fleeting good or bad mood.
-- more on Bipolar Disorder.

mm yeah, if I were ever to diagnose myself, this would be at the top most of the list.
I did mention that I was hypochondriacal on the main page of this blog, right? Anyway, to be honest I do feel like something is wrong with me somewhere.. which is why I've always wanted to see a psychiatrist -- but never did. Mostly because I hate seeing any doctor!

This goes back to when I was fourteen; when I went to the doctor for a fever and a small lump at the back of my neck (which was nothing,) but then was told that I have a low haemoglobin count.
Anyway, it's a pretty long story but basically I came home with a bunch of meds (which I was supposed to take for a pretty long period of time, but ditched it after a few weeks!) and the knowledge that when I want to get married (assuming that we both plan to procreate), my future husband needs to get his haemoglobin count checked.
Hmmph!

Oh, I'm going away from my point.
My point is -- I prefer to be oblivious.. bordering on ignorant, maybe.
I need bliss, but to know.. If it is confirmed that I have an underlying mental problem.. I'm pretty sure I'm going to spend the rest of my days alone. The thought of passing on my horrible genes is just.. scary.
So yeah, my manic mood swings is pretty unmissable -- which is honestly why I no longer write as much. I HATE seeing proves of my craziness.

I'm relatively happy as I write this. I'm grateful for the days that God has given me. Especially when I am feeling as full as the past few days. Despite being alone, I am truly.. happy.
Funny how I've been listening to Blue October and think that I want their songs in the background on my wedding day.. It's like.. so.. "APAKAHHH??"
hahahahha! Of all the things I can wonder about...

Oh, I had been at the training school this past two days learning English for the announcement rating -- which was awesome! May I rephrase; I was awesome! HAHAHAHAHHA!!
During the class, I mean. My announcement wasn't so great, I spoke too fast.. as always. Imagine how Lorelai and Rory Gilmore would speak to each other.

Anyway, two days off..
Dear God, please let me keep having this good feeling.

A thousand secrets..

It could've been a million.

Just words and lines I've kept from you. Things that I should have probably said to you but don't.

I am one but a small fracture in your mind.

..And heart.

I've tried my best to be the best person that I could be. Be the one that you'd want me to be.

But what's the point when you don't reciprocate?

All my efforts seem like nothing to you.

I seem like nothing to you.

I flew over the ocean for you, but you couldn't even spare a minute to speak to me.

Tell me, what am I doing here?

I wish you'd tell me that I am not wasting my time.. that it will all be worth it.. that I will no longer shed a tear for you.

But what's the point of that when you'd said it yourself; words are just words.. there is no real promise behind it.

So what am I doing here really?

I've made it too easy for you to toy with my heart.

I'd given you all that I have while you've given nothing back and now I am left with nothing.

You had once asked me what it was that I hid from you.

Well, there are a thousand of secrets.. could've been a million.

So this is just one of many..

You'd turned my love for you into regret.

To borrow--

..the words of Justin Furstenfeld;


Learning to love life by living through loss and mistakes
Lessons learned then gradually surfacing
Letting go, stripping naked to scream
I am not perfect, nor do I strive to be
I am alive in this world of face-first falls and public breakdowns
I'm a retarded, disfigured clown
Dying to be heard for the simple art of letting this heavy wall finally fall
I'm an equal being of no race or color
A hallucination if you will
Sneaking into the lives of strangers and letting them fall apart
To a new rhythm, just to feel better.

In a bad funk..

Moody.

I'm in that phase where I'm bored of work. (It comes and goes..) Nothing significant happened really.

Maybe that's why I'm plain bored.

Plus I've been feeling pretty lonely lately.

Makes me want to run far faaar away from here.

Kinda odd I suppose. The lonelier I get, the further away I want to be.

I really hate being so attached to anyone or anything. So yeah, whenever I come to a realization that my loneliness originates from the lack of the one that I've gotten used to have.. I'd take a step back.

Am I making sense?

Anyway, I feel like taking a thousand steps back.

Sometimes I feel like I am losing myself. Sometimes I am found.

Today I just feel lost. And hollow.

Feels like nothing or noone could ever save me from my dark, dark place.

I'd like to thank anyone who'd tried though. I am grateful to God for throwing them in my way. They've tried, I know. But maybe I was simply made to walk under the clouds instead of on them. Maybe I will feel this way my entire life. Maybe I will always have doubts. Maybe I will never have my bliss.

Been wondering if I should see whether the grass is truly greener on the other side. Funny how the people I know are leaving the job because of the things that's been going on with the company. I suppose it's true that Sags are loyal. To be really honest, with all the rumours that's been going around, not once had I thought to leave. Never.

But if I do leave....

It'd be because I got bored.

So bored that I had to run from life as I know it.

A jumble of what-evs.

hmmm..

I find myself craving for IKEA's curry puff.

grrrr! I hate it when my hormones are going nutty!

Nothing much going on. Two days off after spending two nights in Kuching. Super early wake-up call -- not happy with that. But I was glad that the day's work ended at noon. So, pro and cons!

I totally cried watching Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close. Come to think of it, I really don't remember which part made me so emotional.. But it really did make me cry.. several times. Perhaps the film was really touching, but menstruation just made it worse.

I've come to relate Sandra Bullock to my sister, Nina; beautiful, funny, kinda kooky, seemingly strong but somehow your guts is telling you to coddle her.

My mind's been working strangely these days.

I had to work with one of my not-so-favourite people in the airline on my recent trip. I don't know.. I never liked people who are loud. I just... HATE it, really. What, just because you're older and has more experience, it makes you so much smarter than everyone else in everything? This particular person wasn't mean at all, even quite nice really, but he's just the type that loves the sound of his own voice I suppose.

And I just can't stand that.

He just went on.. and on.. and on.. Sharing "knowledge".

SO glad that the trip's over.

Although, I did have a wonderful first day of the trip!

I was working in Business Class and my supervisor was awesome! (She'd always been awesome..) Even the passengers were great! I had practically full load in the sectors we did and everyone was extremely pleasant.

At one point, the overhead bin was already full and the nearest space we had was in Row 7 (business class ends at Row 4). My passenger didn't make any scene as he carried his bag to that compartment -- unlike most business passengers would.

And when we arrived, as I squeezed through the passengers to retrieve the bag, the passenger at Row 7 took down the bag for me from the compartment! Like seriously.. WOW! I was so amazed. I felt blessed! hahahha! (Which I am, of course! *wink!*)

Then of course, that night I broke the LCD of my phone when I accidentally sat on it as I got on the boat back from dinner.. ughhh!

Two nights without my Blackberry.. The screen was just blank although the system was running. And I could only remember my sister's and Encem's phone numbers! Well, good thing I remembered any, really.. So yeah, I blindly called Dida first to vent then laugh about my huge ass.

It had been two of the loneliest nights I've ever had since I started flying. hahahha!

Oh, funny thing.. because I couldn't see what I was doing, my alarm wouldn't stop going off. ha - ha!

So when I got home earlier today, I put away my things, changed clothes, look through my junk for my old Sony Ericsson, charged it a bit, transferred my simcard and headed out to Low Yat Plaza -- for the first time on my own. (Yepp, I didn't even remove my make-up! I purposely put on normal-colours on my face today anyway -- nothing rainbow-like.)

And now I have a perfectly working LCD -- also, RM 300 poorer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Memang babi.. Dan dan aku ingat bulan ni boleh saving, time tuuuu lah aku kena spend on a necessity! Mother-eff!

I guess I should wash my own hair for the rest of the month and forget the thought of getting a manicure. So unnecessary.

And so the fight to save up continuessss!! よおおおしょ!

Oh ye, lupa.. Pagi tadi change aircraft dengan Bestie yang sambil membawa handbag.. HAHAHAHHA!! Wish I had a picture of it..

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Update!
March 9th Just booked an appointment with a manicurist for my next day off.. Curse you, Groupon!!