The last straw.

"I poured my heart out into an empty coffee cup, you drank it up and left me here to drown, alone.."
Dumb Like That by Vroom.

Apalah aku nak buat nieee...

I'm in a horrible rut.
In a dire need of change. A huge need to do something that I'm contemplating to shave my head. ha-ha!
Feels like I always go to bed in a bad mood.
Severely unhappy. And hopeless. And hateful.

I deserve so much more than this.

Tekanan Perasaan.

Dah start keje "baru" dua hari..

Although dalam kepala takde laa rasa letih sangat, emosi terasa kurang stabil.

Tanda tanda keletihan yang menyusup dalam diam.

Also the fact that I'm surrounded by mangkuk hayun.

First day on the job aku dah dapat name card seorang pakcik (of course!) yang janji nak bawak aku jalan kalau aku ke Canton.

Aku pun tatau kenapa jejaka yang muda mudi tak pernah nak ajak aku berbual.

At the same time, aku tahu exactly kenapa aku layan pakcik pakcik ni..

As for this pakcik, aku respect the fact that he's 70 years old, but could easily pass as early 50's. Chinese, six-footer, travelled the world, family around the continent, still very much in love with his wife after forty years of marriage.

Dia nasihatkan aku untuk enjoy life, jangan cepat sangat settle down. Sama je macam Papa cakap kat aku dulu dulu time aku baru nak start menggatal.

Boleh tahan lama aku layan pakcik ni, bebudak lain lalu lalang dok tengook je aku. But I can't help myself when somebody shares their philosophy with me. Pakcik ni dok pegang the same cracker with cheese entah berapa lama sebab asyik sangat berbual.

Pakcik ni pesan kat aku, bila nak cari pasangan, cari somebody yang sama 70% dengan aku..

Perbedaan yang terlalu besar akan create jurang in time. As time passes, your interests may change so the percentage pun akan berubah. Kebarangkalian untuk that percentage menurun adalah lebih tinggi, so kalau turun jadi 60%.. still okaylah -- bak kata dia. Kelakar juga bila fikir yang dia masukkan unsur matematik dalam mencari pasangan, but to me it made total sense.

He's been happily married for forty years, after all.

Dia still buy presents for his wife. Flowers and chocolates, just because. And while he was saying all this, he had this look that convinced me that he was speaking the truth.

I couldn't hide my surprise so he said;

Marriage is not an institution, it's an extension of the courtship..

..and at that time mata aku start berair.

Betapa skeptical nya aku selama ni sampai a simple line buat aku tersentuh.

Memang wujud rupanya orang macam ni.

Mungkin aku tersentuh sebab aku tahu memang itu lah yang aku carik.

40 years of marriage.. And choosing to be in it, every single day.

Aku mengaku aku tak jumpa lagi. And now mata aku berair lagi, sebab aku tahu what that exactly means..

These days aku rasa macam aku slowly letting go of life. I am not the captain of my life any longer. Sama macam keje aku.

Bila orang tanya aku nak stay ke walaupun kene buat keje merepek ni, jawapan aku senantiasa "stay dulu.. for now."

I wish I had a different answer. One that is more certain. I wish I am more certain of what I really want in life. I want to choose to live every single day. But my general view of life now is just.. "whatever.."

It's probably been half a decade since I first made the wish but up to this day, I still find myself longing for "happiness".

I'm jealous of that pakcik. I'm tearing up out of jealousy. Sure, I never knew what he'd gone through to get to this part of his life. Where he talks about his family with such affection and fondness. Tapi aku nak itu, please.

I want to stop the longing.

I want to be proud of myself.

I want to stop questioning about my choices in life every other day.

I want to stop wishing for a partial amnesia.

I don't want to end up regretting this past few years in the future.

Most of all, aku tak nak lagi tetiba nangis denga lagu Enrique Iglesias.. of all people!

Aurora..

Of all the things that I read about the shooting..
One fact stuck in my mind;

The shooter's birthday was 13th December..

I pointed this out to Papa, told him to watch his back and he responded;
"..but the shooting is at a cinema..."

When I pointed that to Dida, she said;
"He's a guy.. (Sagittarius) guys are different."

HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHA!!
I love my family for that.

Dead Hearts.

I'd been secretly asking for a change.
But this isn't exactly what I had in mind. People say to be careful of what you wish for -- and I know, this had never been my wish. It isn't mine, and I shall not blame myself for it.

I haven't even started my new job and I am not at all looking forward to it. All the stories I've heard, seeing Encem plopped onto the sofa the second he gets home.. Bestie feeling all low..
I don't see how I could start with a single positive thought in my mind.

I am demotivated, demoralized and definitely deteriorating.
I'm simply not in love.

Except the fact that I'm having some sort of a get-away at the moment, being in Shah Alam. Seeing Dida and the parents everyday makes me feel like the troubles at the workplace is somewhat a distant memory. This, I love. I am safe here.. for now.

I can say it, but you won't you believe me.
You say you do, but you don't deceive me.
It's hard to know they're out there,
It's hard to know that you still care.
I can say it, but you won't you believe me.
You say you do, but you don't deceive me.
Dead hearts are everywhere!
--Stars

I'm trying..

It's days like these when I find myself trying.. struggling, to cast away the spoiled brat in me.

Let's just say that I'm not having any fun.
Just as I was looking forward to this day.
I had wanted to get my hands on the bloody coffee machine but everyone else can't seem to get their hands off it!!
So yeah.. I'm a brat.
And now I'm just uninterested.

I suppose I should've expected this. I should have expected that I would be disappointed instead.
I suppose at this point I should have expected that I won't be having any fun the moment I took a step out the door.
Pffft! What was I thinking.

I know, I know.. I shouldn't be making such a big deal about this but like I said, I'm a brat..

O yeah, thank you for reading me rant. I'm just killing time until I get to go back!

Hello.

Thought for the day...

Plato said; Be kind, as everyone is fighting a harder battle than you.



So what if you're fighting a losing battle..?

Never here.

I know I've been quiet.
It's been a week filled with disappointments.
I suppose I'll take the most recent thing to write about;

My Maybank debit card's details was somehow stolen.
After a year of breezy, unproblematic shopping online.. two days ago my statement showed me an unauthorized purchase to Amazon -- a store which I had never bought anything from.
Yeah, I'm pissed.
I've talked to Maybank. But apparently I still need to make an official report -- with a form and pen.
I've emailed Amazon and I really hope that they could help me get back my money.
I tried asking the Boyfriend to help me get to the bank.. but I guess he's too busy to help out.

He's never around when I am feeling my lowest.
I guess I have that to think about.

Training hadn't been great either.
Sure, I understood whatever crap that they taught us. All the questions that I voiced out was not out of interest. I simply wanted to make my life easier in the future. I'm a total nerd that way.

Anyway. I'm sad. And angry. Just upset, really.
So I think I'll just head to bed early tonight.

Sorry if this isn't the post that you're expecting after a week of silence...
I'm just bored of being stuck.

Sleepless.

I stumbled upon an old article about Halal meats being used in McDonald's in a western country.. and how it made such a big issue.
My first thought; why the hate?
Some of the issues brought up was that slaughtering is cruel -- stunning is more humane.
There's even a comment that Muslims have middle-age notion for that.

....

Then I read a comment how the issue came down to Judaism and Christianity forbade both Jews and Christians from eating meat sacrificed to another God.
That made me chuckle a bit.
I suppose everyone has their beliefs. I happen to believe that there is ONE God... we just happen to call Him by different names.

And then there's one that believed pork could be Halal.
THAT was just too funny.
In case there's anyone who has no Muslim friends and is not at all familiar with Halal meat stumbled upon this entry, here's the four-one-one;

Muslims can eat meat -- only if they are slaughtered in the Muslim way.
Seafood is pretty much Halal; they have no necks to slaughter anyway.
Pork will never be Halal.
Of course there's a little more to it, like there are certain animals that we can't eat even if we slaughter it.. but I myself have forgotten a huge chuck of that, so I would simply decline any offers to crocodile or tiger's meat. Something about animals with fangs and claws and lives in two habitats..

Oh well, two goals for Spain so far..
I didn't watch a single game of this year's EURO.. How times have changed.