2014 Round-Up : Life *cough*

--or lack thereof, really.

It's times like this where I'm glad that I have a Moleskine. Honestly I have no idea where this year has gone or what I did throughout this year! I can't have been working so much that I've lost track on everything, can I?
Well, I probably did work a lot for the first half of the year. Or for the most part of the year, even. Not until recently do I get loose rosters -- which is perfectly fine by me!

I don't think anything really extraordinary happened this year -- except that my *big* thirtieth was pretty much poop! (Yes, I'm still bitter!) Can I stay twenty-nine, pretty pleaaase? hahahha!

Suppose it's fitting that I am writing this in Kathmandu, as this place was among my first nightstops this year. *Nothing* much here really. Not that there isn't anything to see, but I haven't been anywhere much around here. It's a good thing that the hotel where we're staying is within walking distance of among the holiest Buddhist sites in Kathmandu. I thought that was something..

Some other firsts were Sydney and Darwin. I've probably been to Australian cities more than Johor Bharu this year! More Sydney now than JB, even!

Then there was the first time in Narita -- where me and two boys took the bus to spend the day in Tokyo! Man, that was a long bus trip but a good one! We hit the Hard Rock Cafe for the merchandises (typical!) and visited dear Hachiko!
I also went to Adelaide for the first time this year and I must say that it's my favourite Australian city so far. There is that chill vibe that I just fell in love with. Can't really explain it. Also, I find that Halal food is even more easier to find there!
And though I've flown to Incheon before (a few years ago, I believe) this year I got the proper chance to look around some bits of Seoul. Managed to even go to the N Seoul Tower and leave a padlock there. *ehem* I wonder if it'll still be there the next time I go -- or if I'll be able to even find it! heehee

I operated more Airbus flights this year, compared to previous years.
I love seeing the new places, but I'm not stoked by the fact that it only happened after the two tragedies that hit us this year. You know which one. I don't want to talk about it. But I will say that I'm not too keen about work after what happened. The constant worry about everything is just.. too much, sometimes. Who would've thought that being an air hostess would be among the most dangerous occupation in the world?
And after what happened to QZ.. honestly, I just.. I can only barely feel anymore.
So I'm moving on..

I was also more keen on writing in my Moleskine again. Somehow it got me to "plan" things out a bit better. Also remembering things like where I've been to so I could write that big chunk up there! heehee
This year Dida and I got to catch the Formula 1 after missing it last year.

My family wore orange for Eid, and despite being pregnant, Kina wouldn't miss our annual jump! (She gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, Amni Madihah on the 20th of September.)

Because I've been to Australia a LOT, I got myself hooked to Pods; one of man's greatest creation! hahahha! I've mentioned that I'm not a huge chocolate fan.. but I am all over this stuff! (The Snickers is my absolute favourite!) You could sometimes find it at Cold Storage back home but at extortionate price! So yeah.. I shall note here that I am at my heaviest -- EVER. Thanks to Encem for introducing them to me! pfft!

My NARSism blew into a whole other level this year. Having them follow me on Twitter and being sent some nail polish even, just got me fangirling like never before! hahahaha

Being away for too long from Encem does not suit me very well. Before the first time he left, the longest we had ever been apart was, what? Nine days? Two weeks, max! So yeah.. I've been out of it whenever he's away for too long. Like I said, worrying gets a little too much.

Can't imagine my life without that twit. Can't imagine a world where there's no him, really.. the asshole.

I am blessed to live another year, have friends and family to pull me through the hard times.. Thankful for still having things to laugh about, smile about. Glad to still have my sanity -- or at least something like it.
Dear God, I hope 2015 will be exciting as hell (not literally, of course; I doubt "exciting" would be the word to describe hell! ha!) and that I wouldn't cry as much! heehee

2014 Round-Up : Beauty

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Up all night.

I wish!

How about a confession?

Etihad is hiring.
Can't say I'm not interested. The idea has always intrigued me.
While I have valid excuses for not going to other companies while others did;
AK -- "ughhh six sectors?"
D7 -- "ughhh TPE, KTM turnaround?", "I like the colour red.. I don't want to get sick of it", and my personal favourite; "I'm too lazy to shave my legs!"
QR -- "ughhh no smoking? Curfews? wth!"
EK -- "ughhh pak Arab.. *pretend barf*"
SQ -- "ughh they all have the same makeup.. *pretend snore*"
CX -- "nu uhh! Pretty sure they serve pork onboard"

It's no secret to my close friends that I loath pak Arab passengers, so moving to their country is very very unlikely. But I don't know why I always have this idea that if ever I am moving on from my current company.. it'll be for EY. There is an unexplainable pull towards them, somehow.

But anyway, I don't think I'll try out because my legs are looking pretty nasty. I think I might have developed an allergic reaction to flying. heh! It's not exactly something new, though. My legs have been acting up on and off ever since I started flying and they get exceptionally dry when I spend too much time in the cabin.
Having "itchy" hands of course does not help, but the itch is manageable if I'm away from work for a few days!

They got much worse the last quarter of this year somehow. I honestly cannot remember where I've even placed my shorts because it's been so freakin' long since I put them on. It's sad really. I should go see a doctor about it. bleh!

Anyway, my mood gets pretty lousy when people talks about leaving.
I hated when Encem left but that was a bad time for all of us so it made sense for him to leave. So did a lot of my friends then.
This year a few of my dear friends left and I couldn't help but feel like I was punched right to the heart. I can honestly count with my fingers of the people whom I really felt a kinship with. I was thoroughly upset when I found out Syam was leaving. More upset because we spent some time in Narita just the week before the news got out and he didn't say a word! I suppose there were hints, but I was blinded with happiness of spending my day with a friend. That one hit me pretty hard.
Bestie have always wanted to join EK. I don't even know if our friends knows that about him, but he always keep track of their open day. I feel like he's bound to get in one day, and I'm sure I'll hate it when he leaves.

Oh, what was I talking about really?
I think it's great that people around me has some sort of an idea of where they want to go.. some kind of a goal. I think I am heading into the dark again. I feel like I have nothing much to look forward to.. somehow.
Anyway, I always get the strongest urge to shop when I'm having this sort of shitty mood. Some sort of a defense mechanism where I distract myself with new shiny things and keep me away from falling into the abyss.
At least I have some exciting packages to look forward to in two weeks' time!

"Teenage" angst.

Please take into consideration that I'm having some sort of a mood at the moment.
I feel like I am walking on thin ice that is my sanity. I'll probably break down in about ten minutes.

I was musing that after all this years my taste in music hasn't changed much. I still love listening to Blue October as loud as I can. I still feel like kicking myself for not catching them live way back in 2006 -- long story -- or no story at all.

Oh well.. anyway.. Justin knows how to make "feeling like crap" into music so I'll be listening to him tonight.

Kusut.

4D : Cincin you pakai tu cincin tunang ke cincin kawen?
W : hehe.. cincin chup.
4D : Oo.. untung la dia dah chup.
W : HAHAHAHA! Entahlah dia rasa untung ke idak..

The Quest of Becoming Somebody (Part 7)

The fact that I had not updated the "quest" in six years almost say that I hadn't learn anything since Part 6! hahaha! I didn't think that I'd left the "series" that long.
But it has been long.. too long that I had to reread what I had written so far.

And of everything that I reread.. what stuck to me was the comment left on Part 6..

I remember that he was the kindest, sweetest Virgo ever existed. hahaha! I remember how often he used to call me. Skyped. Hated any guy I ever talked about. Crazy jealous. teehee. Rightfully so, as it turned out.

Is it terrible that I wish I could still hang out with him whenever I find myself in Singapore? I can't help passing by a Coffee Club and think that it was "our" place. hahaha! But I can't keep being turned down when I ask. My pride just won't let me. Perhaps he truly was busy and couldn't make time for me, or maybe he just friggin' hates me!
Somehow I refuse to believe that he hates me, even when I think that he has the right to.
Aren't I annoying? heh

He was the push I needed that led me to my job now, after all. If I hadn't met him, I wouldn't get the chance to go to places that I'd seen. I wouldn't have met Encem. Of course, I deserve a kick in the shins for just saying that, but what I'm trying to say is that he played a major role in my life. So it's quite impossible for me to forget him. (Not that I ever tried to.)

People say that you should not have any regrets in your life.
Well, I regret the way we ended.
I was a horrible.. horrible person. I don't think I'll ever get over it.
I was dishonest then, sneaking around, say that everything was fine. Lied to him, lied to my friends.. So I promised myself to be as honest as I can with my feelings.
Because that's where I tend to lie the most. Well, not necessarily lie. But I hide my feelings the most.

So yeah, sometimes I scare the crap of myself when I hide how I really feel from Encem. Afraid that it'll somehow lead to something else.. Not realizing that I was hiding things to begin with then suddenly finding someone whom I didn't have to hide from.
So you could say that I'm pretty nasty to Encem sometimes. In an excuse to "not hide". hahahah! Of course, I tend to keep my feelings to myself until I can't quite take it anymore so I blew up in his face.
To quote Adele;

I know I have a fickle heart and a bitterness

And a wandering eye and heaviness in my head

I do admire his patience.

Am I horrible for thinking about the ex? Can't help but wonder what kind of life he's living now. If he's happy. Married even! I wonder if he reads my blog still.. yikes!

Wasting away..

Whoaa, aren't I chatty this week?
Perhaps I'm trying to make up for the ones I was supposed to write once a week! hahahha! (I've written 36 posts so far and there are 53 weeks this year.. So minus this one, I only have 16 more to write! HAHAHAHHA!)

I've been feeling kinda numb today so I thought I'll probably write something that sounds more like my normal self. If I get to have a soundtrack, some kind of a theme song for this week, it's going to be Habits by Tove Lo. Not that the lyrics applies to me 100% but I pretty much need something to keep my mind off my loneliness.

I know I'm quite pathetic. Pretty much immovable when Encem isn't around. I just can't quit moping around. I was supposed to change my bedsheet and sort my dirty clothes to be sent to the laundry, but really.. I just couldn't be bothered with it! Yeah, so pathetic. The feminist in me is vomiting blood.

Seriously though, I keep telling Encem that he's my circus monkey. (Okay, can we actually be serious with that statement?) If you see me interact with him, as Mamita worded it, I seemed annoyed with a lot of his actions. Yeah, well.. that's just my face maybe. hahahha! But he makes me laugh most times. He keeps me light and the dark thoughts away.. even when he annoys the crap out of me.
It's always when he's away that I'm troubled.
So yeah, let's all blame him for all my crazy posts.

Anyway, my long "holiday" is coming to an end. I have been off from work since Wednesday and so far I've spent my days just wasting away. Putting off laundry. Putting off emails that I was supposed to write. Putting off life basically. And I can't really blame Encem for that.
I am just LAZY, really.
I've been sleeping terribly this week; basically dozing off as the day breaks. So of course I would be knocked out 'til the afternoon since I know I haven't got any plans during the day. Then I simply gave up trying to be productive knowing that half the day is gone. Sad, I know.
But tomorrow's my last day off and I'm hoping that I would finally get things done!

Today I did something semi-productive by reading a book! I say semi-productive because I was still in bed basically lazing but at least I wasn't surfing around the internet for nothing or got myself glued to YouTube.
I was reading Four : A Divergent Collection by Veronica Roth which is basically some bits of Divergent and a bit before that in Four's (the male protagonist of the series) point of view.
I always find it interesting, reading books that has two sides of the situation. I find it amusing when there is a male point of view. Then of course I was reminded by the fact that the book was written by a GIRL and that kinda spoiled the initial giddiness that I was feeling. It was nice while it lasted.

Should it matter though? Somehow I couldn't take Four seriously because he was written by a girl; that his "feelings" weren't real -- when really, he's a fictional character to begin with!! What the heck is wrong with me??? hahahaha!!

I'll probably catch up on some more reading if I fail to fall asleep again tonight.

Shit-Day.

Oh hey, I made it to thirty! woop woop!
Probably one of the worst birthdays, yet.
Feels like I keep doing this to myself. Have some incredibly high expectation for my birthday and then of course, when it didn't turn out as incredible as I had hoped, I just end up feeling crushed. Border-lining to depressed.
I NEVER learn, seriously. Perhaps that's one way to keep myself "young"! Ha ha ha. Just keep having foolish expectations.

I just realized that my favourite word this week has been -- thanks.
I forgive you -- "thanks."
Happy birthday, Wanie -- "thanks"
Love you -- "thanks"
Pretty sure I didn't bump my head that I lost my vocabulary but this week's been shitty enough, I didn't feel like starting a fight. Although I'm pretty certain that I am having some sort of a fight with my mum, which is a bit ridiculous when I think about it. Well, I'm too old to blab about THAT on the internet.

Of course, not saying what I really mean to say means that I cry even more. Ha ha ha! I'm probably too old to cry too, but it's the only way for me to keep my sanity. Well, maybe not my sanity. But it keeps me from cursing..? hahahha!
I've come to accept that I can be truly mean when I am honest.
I am probably a bad person if my honesty is something bad, right? hahahha

How about we move on to the positive side of this birthday?
I got AWESOME presies from Bestie and Mamita! They really outdid themselves and completely threw me off of my game! I gotta step up for their birthdays next year! Bestie especially since he really surprised me with a Yankee Candle and a pair of Timberland boots! I already think that what I got him is not up to my standard (yepp, his birthday is in February and I already have his present!) but now I'm certain that I have to amp it up! Mamita gave me a YSL body lotion (oh so fancy!) and NARS' Light Reflecting Loose Setting Powder AND Audacious lipstick in the shade Greta. hahahha! They really "get" me.
Wish I had them around.. then probably I wouldn't be so miserable with Encem gone, Mumu unavailable and everything.

You know how people say that if you're rotten inside, doesn't matter how beautiful you look.. you will still come off as rotten?
That's me.
I am rotten inside. Because even when Papa and Dida made time for me on my birthday, had a really good meal together.. At the end of the day, I came home feeling miserable still. sigh

Oh! What did I get myself? Apart from NARS' Yachiyo brush that I had mentioned, I got myself NARSskin travel set (not on the wishlist, but I ran out of my Origins' serum and eye cream, so I might as well splurge on a set!) and Rebecca Minkoff's Mini M.A.C. which was a bargain that I found while I was in Narita earlier this month! heehee.
So instead of getting ONE big thing for myself.. I got THREE medium things!

I'll update with a photo once I stop feeling so miserable.
Writing obviously didn't help it go away. I was hoping that it would, but nope.
Oh and I'm too moody to proof-read this entry, so pardon me if there's typo and grammatical error. Writing in a mood such as this should be made illegal.

Left behind..

Encem left for Jeddah again last Tuesday.. for who knows how long.
I was okay (as okay as I can be, anyway) at first but I cried tonight. I cry a lot, so that's nothing special. I cry when I'm excited about something. I cry when someone tells me a sappy story. I cry when I hear stories about ghosts. And tonight I cried because I was angry.
I was sad and angry at the same time.
It's irrational but I felt like throwing my phone to the wall or uninstall my Whatsapp. What does Whatsapp have anything to do with it?? WHO KNOWS!
I am just extremely emotional right now and while smashing something would be ideal, removing myself from the "world" seemed like the next best thing -- said the blogger who ended up writing this post, of all things!

It's only been two (three?) days and having Encem tell me that he misses me makes me want to make him eat my shoe! It has ONLY been two days and he was the one who got on the plane in the first place! How STUPID is that? It is just as stupid as me saying that I missed him too. Hahahaha! Truth be told, I don't quite miss him.. Not yet anyway. I'm mostly just angry angry ANGRY!

I really should be used to this, but it aches still.
Honestly, I was upset enough at the beginning of the month when our rosters came out and found out that Encem would be working on my birthday weekend and the soonest I would be able to see him would be on the 14th. Then last weekend his roster was revised because he was to be sent to Jeddah!
Congratulations Wanie, not only he won't be around on your birthday, you don't even know when you will get to see him next!

This month just keeps on getting BETTER, I swear! #sarcasm

I am just.. crushed, can you tell?
Sorry you had to read me vent. You would think I'd be calmer and wiser, so close to turning THIRTY.
All of our normal celebrations this year were spent apart. His birthday, Eid, anniversary.. my birthday. Aren't those good excuses to be pissed at 3 o'clock in the morning? It sure as hell sounds good to me to cry out of frustration.

Okay, I am done venting. Well, not really but I am done sounding like a psycho on the internet.
What a horrible blogger I am; silent for many weeks and suddenly posting some crap just for the sake of venting. Oh well..