2015

Every year I give myself some silly resolutions to achieve and this year shouldn't be any different!

Silly, so I wouldn't be too bummed if I fail to follow through. heh! Not that I don't have faith in myself, but I don't take "New Year's Resolution" too seriously to begin with. You don't need a new year to start working on a life goal, do you?
So yeah, I save the silly ones especially for the new year..

1. Stop putting Blue October, Taylor Swift and Maroon 5 on loop.
It's getting a little out of hand! I am especially OBSESSED with 1989. The album reminds me of Bruno Mars' album or Lady Gaga's. No they don't sound the same, not even the same genre.. but I feel like every song in the album sounded so different from one another. You can't get bored to it!

2. Start a scrapbook.
Well, maybe not a scrapbook. After seeing a video on YouTube about Project Life by Becky Higgins, I am especially intrigued. But that crap is pricey, damn! (It's on the wishlist now! hahahha!) I love the concept, as it's more of an album than an actual scrapbook so it isn't the same as writing in my Moleskine. But yeah.. I think this year I'll be sticking more photos into my Moleskine instead of just doodling in it. Then maybe if I end up sticking too many photos in there, I'll get myself one of those Project Life starter kits!
note: there is NO DOUBT that I WILL be getting Project Life sometime in my life. Can't get it off my mind!

3. Set aside a sum of money each month.
I talk about saving up every friggin' year, I swear! But seeing the success of saving up for my birthday last year, I think I should start early this year! Can't think of what I want for my birthday just yet, but perhaps I could use the money for a long vacation somewhere!.. or my wedding. JENG JENG JENGG!! hahahaha!! Still can't talk about that with a serious face. Oh well, it could happen..

4. Control on the beauty stuff.

Obviously I don't need anymore makeup. I've been pretty good with the skincare stuff. I know what my skin loves.

As for makeup.. Honestly, I don't need anymore palettes, lip products or nail polish! But I'll be real, I can't quite say no to NARS. So I'll cut myself some slack in that area heh!

I do need to get rid of some old makeup though. Gotta stop hoarding and throw away expired stuff!

5. Get rid of old clothes and shoes..

I have plenty of that! And I'm not even holding on to them.. Just that I'm too lazy to take the time and sort the ones that I no longer need.

Honestly, "make use of my time better" should be on this list.

Oh, I still don't need anymore cardigans, coats, jackets, sweaters or boots! So yeah, I don't plan on getting rid of old things so I could get new ones.. I just need to declutter my life, really.

6. Blog more than last year.

hahhahahahha!

7. Lead a healthier lifestyle.

Typical new year's resolution!
Smoke less, drink less caffeinated drinks, take less sugar, drink more water, not to skip meals, get more sleep.. Exercise..? HAHAHAHA!! I should take myself seriously, but really, I'm only excited about "exercising" for the cute outfits.

So that's it! Seven of my 2015 resolution!

So far I can say that only #2 is going on well. Haven't started on the rest yet. teehee! I have been taking less sugar in my coffee/tea for the past two-three months but I think it's kinda moot when some days I drink three to four cups of coffee/tea! huhuuu

Did anyone else make some sort of a resolution this year? How are they coming along?

I hope you're having a wonderful 2015 so far and good luck in following those resolution -- if you made any.

2014 Round-Up : Resolution

Happy New Year!!
I was meant to post this as the closing entry for 2014.. Oh well!
Every year I like to go back and reflect on how I did with the resolution I set myself to. (I don't necessarily blog about it, though.)

1. For every clothing that I buy, I must throw/give away a piece that I no longer wear.

I didn't throw away as much as I should, I must admit. But I also didn't buy as much clothes as I normally would! So hey, that's something. I do find myself loving Uniqlo recently. I love that they always have some things on offer during weekends! Love their bra-tops (because really, why wear a bra when there's one attached to your top? haha!) and if the Airism bra-top is on offer -- SCORE!

2. No girly-things splurges unless something really good comes along, or I've been eyeing on that certain thing for more than say.. three months.
I don't think I have much of "splurges" in 2014! *pats back* I mean, sure I have about five unused mascaras in my stash but they're all travel size.. hahahha! Excuses, yes. But apart from that, I think I am over that "I need to try everything!" phase. Kinda. My wishlist keeps on growing but I think that's a good sign -- means that I'm not buying them.
Pretty sure my "splurges" now only comes from NARS.

3. Enough shoes, bags and jackets!
Ooh! I didn't buy any jacket!
I did buy a pair of loafers from Aldo because I needed one that wouldn't hurt my feet. (Had a pair from Clarks for years but they're still as stiff as the first day I bought them! ughh!)
And I got myself a Rebecca Minkoff bag -- for my birthday, so that doesn't count!
I've been good, really. And Encem and Bestie had been good to me too for getting me things that I resolved not to buy myself. hehe

4. Slow down on the cigarettes, Starbucks and Coffee Bean.
err.. I definitely don't go to Starbucks anymore -- unless there isn't any Coffee Bean in sight. But.. yeaah.. Coffee and cigarettes are such perfect ways to waste some time! aaghh!

5. Blog again.. Once a week at least
hahahhaha! Well, you know I failed this one.

Are we ready for 2015's resolution?
bahahahha

2014 Round-Up : Life *cough*

--or lack thereof, really.

It's times like this where I'm glad that I have a Moleskine. Honestly I have no idea where this year has gone or what I did throughout this year! I can't have been working so much that I've lost track on everything, can I?
Well, I probably did work a lot for the first half of the year. Or for the most part of the year, even. Not until recently do I get loose rosters -- which is perfectly fine by me!

I don't think anything really extraordinary happened this year -- except that my *big* thirtieth was pretty much poop! (Yes, I'm still bitter!) Can I stay twenty-nine, pretty pleaaase? hahahha!

Suppose it's fitting that I am writing this in Kathmandu, as this place was among my first nightstops this year. *Nothing* much here really. Not that there isn't anything to see, but I haven't been anywhere much around here. It's a good thing that the hotel where we're staying is within walking distance of among the holiest Buddhist sites in Kathmandu. I thought that was something..

Some other firsts were Sydney and Darwin. I've probably been to Australian cities more than Johor Bharu this year! More Sydney now than JB, even!

Then there was the first time in Narita -- where me and two boys took the bus to spend the day in Tokyo! Man, that was a long bus trip but a good one! We hit the Hard Rock Cafe for the merchandises (typical!) and visited dear Hachiko!
I also went to Adelaide for the first time this year and I must say that it's my favourite Australian city so far. There is that chill vibe that I just fell in love with. Can't really explain it. Also, I find that Halal food is even more easier to find there!
And though I've flown to Incheon before (a few years ago, I believe) this year I got the proper chance to look around some bits of Seoul. Managed to even go to the N Seoul Tower and leave a padlock there. *ehem* I wonder if it'll still be there the next time I go -- or if I'll be able to even find it! heehee

I operated more Airbus flights this year, compared to previous years.
I love seeing the new places, but I'm not stoked by the fact that it only happened after the two tragedies that hit us this year. You know which one. I don't want to talk about it. But I will say that I'm not too keen about work after what happened. The constant worry about everything is just.. too much, sometimes. Who would've thought that being an air hostess would be among the most dangerous occupation in the world?
And after what happened to QZ.. honestly, I just.. I can only barely feel anymore.
So I'm moving on..

I was also more keen on writing in my Moleskine again. Somehow it got me to "plan" things out a bit better. Also remembering things like where I've been to so I could write that big chunk up there! heehee
This year Dida and I got to catch the Formula 1 after missing it last year.

My family wore orange for Eid, and despite being pregnant, Kina wouldn't miss our annual jump! (She gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, Amni Madihah on the 20th of September.)

Because I've been to Australia a LOT, I got myself hooked to Pods; one of man's greatest creation! hahahha! I've mentioned that I'm not a huge chocolate fan.. but I am all over this stuff! (The Snickers is my absolute favourite!) You could sometimes find it at Cold Storage back home but at extortionate price! So yeah.. I shall note here that I am at my heaviest -- EVER. Thanks to Encem for introducing them to me! pfft!

My NARSism blew into a whole other level this year. Having them follow me on Twitter and being sent some nail polish even, just got me fangirling like never before! hahahaha

Being away for too long from Encem does not suit me very well. Before the first time he left, the longest we had ever been apart was, what? Nine days? Two weeks, max! So yeah.. I've been out of it whenever he's away for too long. Like I said, worrying gets a little too much.

Can't imagine my life without that twit. Can't imagine a world where there's no him, really.. the asshole.

I am blessed to live another year, have friends and family to pull me through the hard times.. Thankful for still having things to laugh about, smile about. Glad to still have my sanity -- or at least something like it.
Dear God, I hope 2015 will be exciting as hell (not literally, of course; I doubt "exciting" would be the word to describe hell! ha!) and that I wouldn't cry as much! heehee

The Quest of Becoming Somebody (Part 7)

The fact that I had not updated the "quest" in six years almost say that I hadn't learn anything since Part 6! hahaha! I didn't think that I'd left the "series" that long.
But it has been long.. too long that I had to reread what I had written so far.

And of everything that I reread.. what stuck to me was the comment left on Part 6..

I remember that he was the kindest, sweetest Virgo ever existed. hahaha! I remember how often he used to call me. Skyped. Hated any guy I ever talked about. Crazy jealous. teehee. Rightfully so, as it turned out.

Is it terrible that I wish I could still hang out with him whenever I find myself in Singapore? I can't help passing by a Coffee Club and think that it was "our" place. hahaha! But I can't keep being turned down when I ask. My pride just won't let me. Perhaps he truly was busy and couldn't make time for me, or maybe he just friggin' hates me!
Somehow I refuse to believe that he hates me, even when I think that he has the right to.
Aren't I annoying? heh

He was the push I needed that led me to my job now, after all. If I hadn't met him, I wouldn't get the chance to go to places that I'd seen. I wouldn't have met Encem. Of course, I deserve a kick in the shins for just saying that, but what I'm trying to say is that he played a major role in my life. So it's quite impossible for me to forget him. (Not that I ever tried to.)

People say that you should not have any regrets in your life.
Well, I regret the way we ended.
I was a horrible.. horrible person. I don't think I'll ever get over it.
I was dishonest then, sneaking around, say that everything was fine. Lied to him, lied to my friends.. So I promised myself to be as honest as I can with my feelings.
Because that's where I tend to lie the most. Well, not necessarily lie. But I hide my feelings the most.

So yeah, sometimes I scare the crap of myself when I hide how I really feel from Encem. Afraid that it'll somehow lead to something else.. Not realizing that I was hiding things to begin with then suddenly finding someone whom I didn't have to hide from.
So you could say that I'm pretty nasty to Encem sometimes. In an excuse to "not hide". hahahah! Of course, I tend to keep my feelings to myself until I can't quite take it anymore so I blew up in his face.
To quote Adele;

I know I have a fickle heart and a bitterness

And a wandering eye and heaviness in my head

I do admire his patience.

Am I horrible for thinking about the ex? Can't help but wonder what kind of life he's living now. If he's happy. Married even! I wonder if he reads my blog still.. yikes!

The Quest of Becoming Somebody (Part 6)

The pounding of my heart.

Have I told you that I hate confrontations? Well, "hate" is such a strong word.. it's more like.. an utter dislike.
I probably shouldn't have said that.. now no one wants to tell me anything. ha!

I like the idea of being open to discussions.. but I utterly dislike it when I get all nervous.. heart's pounding.. shaky hands -- yeah, I get all that from confrontations. They wreck my nerves so bad, somehow. Acting cool is not at all plausible.

Having to focus on that other person as they focuses on you alone...
Scary.

I am.. having a pang in my heart.. so much so that it's making my head spin. If only I am capable of word-vomit and just say what ever things that runs through my mind.
Would things be easier, I wonder..

I sometimes wish that things would.. but then I know I'll get bored with that. But when things are too hard, I will have no hope for it.
What the heck am I trying to say??!
shit.

I'm not even sure if this entry should be one of the "Quest", but I guess it is. I'm trying my hardest to learn myself.. and I am not making it easy. blah.

Damn feelings. I think I'll just go cry in my bed.. or smoke.
Probably the latter.

Avril Lavigne - Tomorrow

This is the part when I run.
And this is the part where you shouldn't wait for my return. As a matter of fact, NO ONE should! I am not the one you should wait.. I don't deserve it. I can't comprehend it. Why the hell would anyone wait for someone as messed up as me. God!

The Quest of Becoming Somebody (Part 5)

I really.. truly.. honest to God.. want to believe.
Maybe if I say it enough, it will actually happen.. this time.

I want it so much I could cry.
I want it so bad I could die.

With the way I am feeling now...
Dear God, please let it stay.
The lightheadedness, shortness of breath, the occasional hyperventilation, pangs in the heart, funny feeling at the pit of the stomach.. I'd gladly keep them all, even when I always end up feeling like I could throw up.

Funny thing though.. how I can only tell what I'm really feeling when my body is behaving horribly. heh! I can't tell it any other way 'cause of the constant battle between my head and my heart -- so when my body says something, that's it really. heehee.

Anyway, I'm trying to make myself sick by listening to this song over and over again so it would stop making me feel dreamy the next time I listen to it. haha!

Bryan Adams - Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman

And I know that this is.. no where near like the other "Quest" entries.. but it actually is, really. Just.. a little too ambiguous compared to the rest. hehe.

The Quest of Becoming Somebody (Part 4)

I'm trying.. I really am trying.
God knows.. Even if He doesn't, He should! He's God after all!

I'm not particularly articulate, as you might have known.. and especially when somebody else had poured out their heart to me, I will get a feeling that probably.. I shouldn't trouble them with my heart.
Plato just gets to me sometimes!

So, most times.. I end up staring at the other person and imagined my heart jumping out to them, hoping that they could somehow read the beats of my heart. Wishing that they'd understand that my silence is actually an apology for not telling them comforting words to calm their hearts because I myself am not calm. That I am slightly angry at them for telling me their troubles when my thoughts are in itself occupied. That I am guilty for being selfish again..

Last night I said; harbouring feelings of guilt can have a negative effect on the mental health, well it's true. I am a big proof of that.
Muz said the other day that saying how grateful you are is one way of saying that you're unsatisfied with the other things. heh! She's so smart sometimes..
It suddenly clicked how my mind is trying to convince me that THIS should be enough -- when it's not, and I am feeling guilty for wanting MORE.

I agree that it's human nature for wanting more but I refuse to believe that it will NEVER be enough, as Muz had pointed out. I just couldn't. I REFUSE to believe that there will be no ending to our wants, because if I believe in it.. I will also believe that God is mean.
Why would He keep us in this never ending loop; letting us be frustrated and tired for the rest of our lives. To have it end only when our lives end is just.. upsetting. Believe me when I say that we had spent a good hour just shouting at each other and yet pensive on this subject.

In between of these recollections, I had found the source of my declining mental health: GUILT.
With my head reminding me what I had learnt through all my life -- of what makes a good daughter, a good sister, a good Muslim and a GOOD human being.. I listened to my wild rebellious heart and got myself stuck in a limbo of guilt. Of what I should.. and WANT.

I just.. need to believe that it WILL be enough.. one day. Someday. I really need to believe in it so this heaviness in my heart will be lifted.
It's just unfortunate that for the time being, my conscience is making me loony.
Even more disturbing is the thought that my gratefulness is a symptom of me going cuckoo.

The Quest of Becoming Somebody (Part 3)

I've been thinking about will lately.
Not the will that you leave when you're dead, (God knows I have nothing worth anything to be left to anyone!) or the will as in a promise, but a wish.. or desire. A faculty of conscious; of deliberate action.. The power of the mind over actions, if you will..

I have no idea who said it, or if anyone had actually said it but the words are somehow imprinted in my mind;
You can move mountains if you will it.
Really? REALLY?? That either sounds crazy or completely idiotic! I like the idea of sitting in front of a big rock and try to will it to move. That'd be a great experiment except for the fact that I believe that I have much more better things to do.

It makes me wonder why I came up with these thoughts sometimes. I have no answers to it yet I ask them anyway. It sux! It makes me angry all the time. I'm tired of not knowing. It's frustrating! It takes up too much of my day and I can't help it.

Someone asked me today if I have any advices in making any friends. Well, his problem was that he has "no one to be around with". I laughed. I had to laugh. It is among the most ridiculous things anyone had ever asked me. I am sorry if he ever finds this blog and gets upset with what I said but I truly find it ridiculous.
I won't tell you what I said to him because I had only came up with a really stupid "advice" just trying to be polite.

Will..
How far are you willing to change?
Will the mountains move if I really will it?
Ever thought that all the things in the universe comes down to you? It is not about how self-centred you are; the world definitely does not revolve around any singular person.. but several persons who wills a single thing.

Let's say that I will it with every piece of my soul that I will change my life.. and another person at the other side of Earth will the same thing for his life.. so happens that there are hundreds of thousands more who wills the same, scattered all over the world.. Won't you believe that lives will change and they might be for the better?
I don't have the answer.. but I like to believe that it will.

The Quest of Becoming Somebody (Part 2)

I believe, that the hardest thing to do in life is knowing what you want and following your personal legend.

Getting what you want is simpler once you've passed those two.
Let's be serious, if you dream of being rich you'd surely won't get it by sitting around hoping that somehow money will roll onto your lap. For one, you'll need hard work -- or at least get your arse near a hill for a wad of bank notes to get rolling.
Maybe you refuse to include working so you decided to marry somebody rich. Still, you can't expect someone of that state to come around to that mamak place you hung around, do you?

I'm sorry.. nothing comes for free; not even love. Here you may like to quote Jennifer Lopez and sings "love don't cost a thing". Well, how about your time, effort.. and heart? I'm being painfully harsh tonight I know, but even the hippie-Wanie can't drown out rational-Wanie's voice on this.

My sister said something earlier that somehow hits close to home. It wasn't particularly about me but her statement just made me realize about TIME -- again!
Then while I was helping her to find her shirt in the laundry, I discovered that my freakin' dad had defaced my one-and-ONLY Hard Rock Cafe t-shirt by mixing colours with whites. I had spent the next 15 minutes in tears, my friends.

Now you may think, how silly of me to cry over a shirt but if you had know me.. If you'd know me at all.. you would know how frustrating it'd make me feel when a beloved t-shirt.. that I got in Europe.. has now turned into a freakin' sissy shade of PINK!! Not that any different shade would make me feel better, but I would appreciate it if I got an apology! One stupid apology, but noooooo.. What I got was, I quote; "wash your own clothes next time!"
EFFING ASSHOLE!!
(Yes, I am cursing at my father, boys and girls.)

So, after that slight detour of how mental I can get over the things at home, I will return to the fact that I was talking about "knowing what you want" in the first place.
In the case of my father, I must tell you that he wasn't fully responsible to what had happened. I am perfectly capable of doing my own laundry so I should be able to prevent all this. Shite happens when you are not in control of your life. Once you let go.. and shite happens.. you have noone else to blame but yourself.

Then again, it is my flaw.. I am incapable of blaming others -- having shitty people around me reflects on MY judgement to depend on shitty people, so I must blame myself. It'd be great to be normal and point the finger at everybody else but as I said.. I am flawed.

I know what I want.
But I am not following my personal legend.. yet.
So I must thank God for reminding me how miserable I really am to be stuck like this all the time. Mediocrity doesn't suit me at all so I am grateful to receive the reminder. Be it in the form of my beloved t-shirt.. in a ridiculously stupid shade of pink.

Still pissed at my dad though.

The Quest of Becoming Somebody (Part 1)

I was in between of a depressive rant the other day when I was struck by the way Dida's eyes were looking at me -- I think it was worry. I think she was surprised and at the borderline of not knowing what to say or how to handle what I had just told her, but then she asked;
"So what do you really want?"
"I'd like to be happy."
"What makes you happy?"
So I said it, "I'd like to be somebody."
To my own selfish amusement, Dida had reacted in a way that was even more grave than she was at the beginning. She asked again; "Who are you right now?"
I wasn't sure how she would respond so I took my time before saying, "I'm nobody."

The very next second Dida tried to convince me that what ever I've been letting myself to believe, I am somebody and that I'm irreplaceable; that I am not just a lump in the middle of the room.. That no matter how useless I feel (and she sometimes think), I am her only little sister and nobody could replace that. Even when she could find somebody else to talk her troubles to, I am still her sister.

heh. Pardon me while I wipe my eyes.

I've been blessed. Luck has always been on my side. I don't have a lot of things but I seem to get by quite alright. Most importantly, I have the best people around me when I needed them the most. Although time and time again I get my heart broken by the same set of people.. they're still the ones who could mend them back together again.

I am a horrible human being for so many reasons; I act out as much as I possibly can.. dreams of doing charity yet taking not a single step towards it at all.. misses my prayers all the time.. throw tantrums.. curses like a sailor.. avoid responsabilities..
But they mend them back together again. As closed up of a person as I am.. my heart has always been in check.

For that I am grateful.. and sorry, that I am what I am.
I pray that I have enough time in the world to become somebody. Although I already am to Dida, I hope to really show her the best person that I could become. Even when I still feel like a lump in the middle of the room, I hope I'd be a lump that gives back.

Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart.

William Wordsworth

Sorry if you were expecting some sort of a fantasy/fiction in this entry. hahhaha!