Emotions running wild.

I wasn't really surprised that I'll be such a mess emotionally throughout this experience.
I mean, I don't exactly trust my feelings even before I got pregnant. But some days, I get a little overwhelmed that it's almost embarrassing.

These days I find that I cry to love songs.
I mean.. come on!
I used to get melancholic when I hear really sad songs. They really spoke to my soul. Happy, love songs are just.. fine, to me. I appreciate them all the same, made me smile sometimes.. but I don't cry to them!

Lately though.. I can't even sing along to these happy love songs!!!!
Everytime I start, my voice gets stuck in my throat, then my eyes start to water. If I try to push through, it'll just turn on the waterworks for a full minute.
(eg. Sara Bareilles - I Choose You)

I don't even understand it, but I just somehow get incredibly overwhelmed. SO overwhelmed that only tears could get me through, apparently.
Surprisingly sad songs doesn't affect me in any way anymore. hahahha!

Hello, 32.

And hi, reality. hahahaha!

Well, I've always talked about my grey hair anyway and I do embrace them. Makes me a whole lot like Rogue of X-Men. Unfortunately my job does not agree with the "old and wise" look so I always have to colour them in every few months.

Not my favourite thing to do since all those hair colouring products stink.

Gets really boring when you've done them since you're 25 -- and yes, that's how young I was when I first noticed the grey hairs.

Anyway, I've been really quiet this month, haven't I? My ideas just never made it to the blog unfortunately. Like always, ideas on this and that but time always gets the better of me.

My birthday came and went and I've got nothing to report.

As always I expected more, but at the same time there really is nothing to expect. It's always like that. I keep hoping for something magical to happen, maybe. But what magic is there when it's just one more day, one more year of your life?

Yes, yes, I am blessed and grateful for another day, but really.. I just can't seem to shake off the bad funk that I always feel around this time of year. It's sad and sickening at the same time. I am constantly in this loop that I can't get out of.

So hey!

I bought some stuff to cheer me up. hahaha! Let's call this my birthday haul. Stuff that I truly bought in the excuse of my birthday.

First I made a purchase in Sephora (naturally), and I was happy to see that they carried the holiday limited edition set from Kat Von D! As you may know (if you happen to stumble upon my Instagram, I suppose) I LOVE her Everlasting Liquid Lipstick! I already have eight of them and when I saw this set online, I knew.. I MUST have it!

Perhaps I'll write a specific post on them one day. heh! Don't hold your breath though.

Then I saw a cute lil' onesie by La Senza, and though I've always been apprehensive about bodysuits before -- how does one get out of it when they need to tinkle? -- and against my better judgement, I decided to get it anyway.

Just so you know.. onesie.. bodysuits.. whatever you decide to call it -- if you ever think of getting it, I hope you have the bladders of steel! Because let me tell you, it IS a pain to get out of one everytime you need to pee! hahahaha. But you can't deny, they are stinkin' cute on.

My final purchase was a flashy one. Been wanting to get a new perfume for months now. Been wanting a Dyptique perfume since probably last year even! I guess they're probably just as expensive as Jo Malone but I somehow feel like Jo Malone is a tad more achievable. hahahaha! (They're just as expensive, really.)

I went into the store in Pavilion not really knowing what to get but the sales associates were really helpful. Having Encem there was great too because it's just easier to decide on a scent with him around. After all, he's going to be smelling it of off me so we might as well get a scent that the both of us could love.

Loving my purchases so far. Not enough to get me out of my funk, but I'm pretty happy with my buys.

Year-end is fast approaching and I do intend to have a couple more entries before we enter the new year. So let's hope that happens and not become yet another idea that didn't materialise.

Hope you're having a good December, I'll speak to you again soon.

Two days off.

Time for recuperating, catch up on blogs and YouTube videos I've missed and work on my Moleskine. I say "work" because I hadn't been writing much in it (even though this past few days have been pretty exciting) and I'm dying to paste some photos in it!

Thought I'd do some "admin" things today; pay my bills, get the laundry done, properly unpack -- to be honest, I can't remember the last time I really unpack my bags. There's always some kind of trash at the bottom of my bag and I just.. leave it there. Couldn't be bothered. Old receipts, hotel bills, pamphlets of sorts, catalogues..
I should unpack.

But it's half past one and I just had breakfast! Yoghurt, muesli, blueberries and chia seeds.. my kind of breakfast at the moment. Of course I'd love a good batch of pancakes but I came home to an empty apartment last night, I'm in no mood to prepare a hot meal.
I still wonder what's the big deal with "breakfast" sometimes.. but knowing me, and knowing that I have those things in my fridge to just throw together, it's better for me to have breakfast when I really can't say when my next meal would be.

The thing about not having Encem around, I feel like wasting away most of the time. It's icky to depend on one person in your life, really. But normally he'd fuss about whether I've eaten or have had enough sleep. Two things that are massively screwed whenever he's away. I simply don't care. It's nice to have someone who cares about/for you.
Hmm.. I miss my Monkey.

I woke up this morning practically jumping out of bed; thinking that I was late for work! I thought I was over that. And as I tried to get more sleep, my neighbour decided to do some drill-works, thanks!
So here I am typing this blog.. thinking of doing all those boring admin stuff that needs to be done.
I still haven't showered..
Or sort the clothes that I want to send to the laundry.

At least I got the last bits of Bestie's birthday presents wrapped! It is funny how big birthdays are with us. Just for the presents, really. hahaha

I should get a move on if I want to get things done today. I swear I'm barely human when being left alone for too long!

4 out of 10.

That was roughly the days I got to spend with Encem before he left for Jeddah.
Suckety suck.
Life moves on whether he's around or not.. I still had to work to keep my livelihood. So happens that I am only rostered for ONE turnaround flight -- at the end of this month. That's my way of stating why I didn't get more time with Encem; I was sent to trips.
I did get to send him off at the airport. For that I was thankful. Also thankful that his brother didn't mind driving in silence on the way back.

It has only been two days and naturally, it's 20 minutes to 7 AM and I am still up!

I had a lovely day yesterday with Bestie and Mumu. I am so grateful for "clicking" with them almost six years ago. For that I thank God. I love it when He reminds me that I have things to be glad for instead of moping around in sadness.
Why is that, anyway? Why do I have the tendency to wallow in my sorrow?
Maybe that's why I've latched onto Encem all these years. He could laugh at anything, talk about anything -- never stop talking! hahhahaha!
He's my kind of drug (oh hey, Twilight reference there!) and withdrawal SUCKS -- BALLS!!

Btw, that's been my favourite phrase..? cuss..? for a while now. I don't say it as much as I think about it though because really.. now that I've said it, I can't help imagining a person.. sucking balls.
HAHAHHAHA!! Oh dear, God..

I think I might start dieting. Maybe. I don't know. I don't know how to diet when I'm not a big eater to begin with! Not even a real fan of rice, and yet I'm getting heavier!
The thing about Encem being gone -- I haz a sad, I don't have a regular meal-time, I sleep badly - or don't sleep at all and I tend to binge on junkfood because I'm too lazy to prepare actual food! AND I'm thirty, damn it! Bloody hormones and metabolism!

Okay, the clock on the taskbar says that it's 7:02 now and I should attempt to get some sleep. Pick-up is at 2 PM and I haven't packed a thing for my trip! Not that it'll take too long to do that but I HATE doing it so I'll procrastinate, do it after I wake up -- hoping that I won't oversleep! heehee

February.

I'm in Kathmandu again. Feels like I only remember to blog when I'm here. Maybe because there isn't much that I feel like doing other than contemplate. heh!

Nothing much been going on.

Except that Encem's home since earlier of the month so my off days were pretty much occupied. I missed having him around. I missed talking to him late at night and just drift off to slumberland. Him being home also means that the noise level goes up a little. heh! I do find it weird if not a little annoyed that he always ends up picking up his guitars after one in the morning!

Suppose I could pick up one of the guitars and make some noise of my own but I pity the neighbours.

Suppose I'll miss the racket once he goes back to Jeddah -- again. My brain comprehends why he has to leave but my heart just hates it! My heart friggin' HATES it!! And I hate it even more since he doesn't even know when he'll be leaving. The thought that he might have to leave while I'm away on a trip is just upsetting!

I don't know why but I feel like I need to send him off. Like a proper goodbye. Maybe because his roster is interchangeable that even he has no idea when he'll be back again once he leaves.

Honestly I get tired yapping about him all the time. Honestly I don't even talk about him much in real life. I guess I don't feel as bad talking about him on my blog knowing that people could just click away when they're bored, instead of having to sit through me talking.. about a boy.. like some crazed obsessive girlfriend.

Which is how I feel most of the time, really.

Anyway, life's been good. Work's been alright. Mamita and I have been waiting to go to NARS for the new collection to arrive. Somehow she's just as obsessed with NARS as I am; don't know how that happened!

But I must say that it's nice to have someone to talk about makeup with -- and they're just as excited with it! heehee!

Sim, the artist in Pavilion gave me a few samples of the new foundation that'll be released here this month; All Day Luminous Weightless Foundation, to try out and I'm still deciding how I like it.

Of course I'm fine!

I mean, who would ever confess how they really feel when asked if they're okay?

hahahaha!

Not me, definitely.

Anyway, I'm thankful for having family and friends who are well attuned to my moods -- or at least my tweets! hahahhaha!

If I'm being honest, I've been feeling like crap for the past few days. I don't know why it's so hard to say it out loud. Well, I know. I don't want to get those judgy quizzical looks and have to deal with questions that I don't have the answers for.

Sometimes I get shit handed to me and my being just makes it ten thousands worse.

Why?

I don't know! I wish I do.. but I don't!

Maybe I'm depressed. Maybe my mood swings and insomnia could attest to that. Maybe I'm just hopeless, who knows?

Maybe I'll die alone.

Maybe I deserve that.

Maybe I was put here to be a conundrum to everyone and even myself!

What I do know, I've successfully given myself a headache from trying to word my feelings in this entry. Should I even call this an entry? I doubt it.

Anyway, I had the past couple of days off and despite wanting to do a lot of things, I got myself stuck in bed just reading..

Sometimes I feel like I could get a lot of shit done if I hated reading.