What a lovely morning..

Bahijah A Wahid is awake. 10:04

Mohd Kamal Nizam at 10:07 on 31 October.
Knock Knock

Wanie Idris at 10:09 on 31 October.
me too!
I've been getting calls from orang salah nombor hokeyy.. sangat sakit hati! dahla dia cakap india!! grrr. degil pulak tu! orang dah kate wrong number dia call lagi.. pastu Wanie malas angkat dah, dia call lagi.. caaall lagi. CAALL LAGI!! ughhh!! sejak pukul 8:50!!!!!!!
SAYE TENSION!! bloody idiot indian. buat habis battery orang je phone asyik vibrate.
(oh, he's calling me again now.)
I swear, kalau you ade sini, you'd think that I am SO HOT dapat phonecall every 2 minutes! okay.. I'm venting.
sorry I'm venting at your status. hahahha! saye geram.

Bahijah A Wahid at 10:11 on 31 October.
hahahahaha... just ask your dad to answer it for you.
I bet he's looking for his cheating girlfriend, wanting to know where she went last night.

Wanie Idris at 10:12 on 31 October.
my dad takdeee! I'm home alone. (party?)
and the dude isn't looking for his cheating girlfriend. cheating boyfriend kot sebab dia carik chandra.

Bahijah A Wahid at 10:17 on 31 October.
hahaahhaha.. chandra can be a girl name also. maybe the other guy for his cheating girlfriend.

Wanie Idris at 10:21 on 31 October.
oh.
this dude is SO adamant that he's calling chandra's number. menyampah btol. ade hati tanye chandra keje kat hospital. dia ingat I kenal chandra kot. grr

Wanie Idris at 10:23 on 31 October.
bloody hell.. he's convinced that he's been calling 016.

Bahijah A Wahid at 10:24 on 31 October.
:)) hahahah probably he thinks chandra is like mike. Everybody must have known chandra in their life just like any we know mike.

Bahijah A Wahid at 10:25 on 31 October.
He cant tell the different between 9 and 6. Dyslexia kot

Wanie Idris at 10:26 on 31 October.
idiot kot T_T

Bahijah A Wahid at 10:28 on 31 October.
hahahahaha.. tukar numberlah wanie.

I think he's excited that when he called chandra he gets a wrong number.. and what do you know.. a cute girl answered his call. How awesomely odd can it be. So he is just trying to get to know you

* trying to put myself in his shoes*

Wanie Idris at 10:37 on 31 October.
HAHHAHAHAHHA!!
duude, everytime I angkat, I cakap "hello" dengan penuh tidak-keseleraan.

Wanie Idris at 10:46 on 31 October.
obviously my malay dah berterabur. I blame the lack of sleep.
--ketidak-seleraan
:D

Bahijah A Wahid at 20:41 on 31 October.
hahahahaha.

What IS IT with men and baju melayu??

I can say this on behalf of most females in Malaysia;
a very easy way to a girl's heart is by you (guys) wearing a pair of baju melayu.
haha. I mean, seriously.. the outfit can do wonders! I was blog hopping earlier and came by this blog where this guy had a picture of him in the outfit -- and he looked goood -- and he's not even Malay!
I have no idea what is it with Malay women and men in baju melayu. Maybe it's like men in uniforms.. an aphrodisiac of some kind. hahahha!

Today I woke up and noticed than an ex sent me a text. (It rhymes!) It was nothing important, but before we said goodbye after a few exchanges, he said that he missed me. *rolls eyes* I wonder what people missed about me sometimes. The stupid jokes I made? My insight on life? (hahahha!!!) My long and winding letters? My mere presence? HAHAHAHHAH!!
Sometimes it's just weird thinking about things people have said to me.. because they barely made any sense.

I suppose it's just weird to have seemingly touched someone's life when you'd barely touch them.
Anyway, it's good to be friends with an ex. I expect that if I needed someone to build me a house, I could count on him to draw me the blueprints. hahaha! That's what my father used to say to me actually; to not lose contact with your friends 'cause you'll never know when you're going to need their services! HAHAHHAHA!
That's why I like keeping Alia close -- she's a law major! hahahhahahha!!!

Annie Lennox - Dark Road

Maybe..

Some people aren't meant to sleep. heh.
As some people aren't meant to talk. Or write.
It's like.. when you have nothing nice to say, why say it at all right? Sure I don't expect everyone to be all dandy 24/7 but if I can do something about it.. if I can stop myself from saying things that'll only hurt people (and myself eventually), I should make a conscious effort to do it, right? To not do it would be stupid and reckless.

Is honesty really the best policy? Or is truth really overrated?
hmm.. I can never decide.

Anyway, these were me and my sisters' Facebook status two nights ago. hehe. Just wanted to write it down somewhere;
Ida Harlina is sick of the big momma's dramas!! 23:46
Wanie is also sick of the big momma's dramas!! 23:58
Ida Haryati is sick & sick of the big momma's dramas!! 08:58

Brandi Carlile - Hiding My Heart

Duuude, I'm bored.

So I'm in Seremban..
Nina and Jasmin invited some people over for an "open house" on Sunday. (I suppose it's a Malaysian thing where you invite people over to your house for food and I dunno.. catching up?) Dida and I came on Saturday night to help them with the food that by Sunday afternoon, me and Dida couldn't help ourselves from falling asleep while there were still Jasmin's friends around.
(Well, Dida at least managed to hide herself in the spare room.. I dozed off on the sofa in the living room. hehe)

Now it's Monday, Deepavali and also Izzati's 5th birthday!


Dida's not feeling well and has been practically sleeping all day. No idea when we're going head home. blah. Could've gone home with the parents last night but the thought of being in the same car with JUST them was SO unappealing.

Anyway, 'til later!
Nothing much to write about, really.

RM 33 for a (cute) knickers??

Which part of the term "cheap date" don't you get? hehe.
Come to think about it, the best date I had was this one time when the guy brought me around KL.. by bus! hahha! gah! I probably should be embarrassed by that fact.

I had an incredibly long day. Decided to kick myself out of the house so I could actually spend some money. Somehow I got hold of Cik Alia and weeeeeeee! I got a shopping buddy.
I'm just going to write about the things that popped out through the day though.

1. I must thank God for not fating me to slip down the steep hill and break my neck as I made my way to the commuter station after the bus decided to take a different route.

2. We had lunch at Chilli's.. and as we were talking and eating, I lit up my second ciggie and one of the waiters came over and said, "miss, can I see your ID?" HAHAHHAHA! I was really just laughing as I handed my ID to him. After he checked my birthdate, he said he was sorry that he had to ask. haha! Well, thanks..?

3. I went to Amcorp Mall for the first time today (Dida works in the building now) and I find it incredibly dull.

4. I'd only spent RM5.20 on transportation for the entire day!

5. It's amusing how people had pictured me as the "good, naive girl". Alia asked me a couple of questions earlier and me being me; when somebody asks me a question straight forwardly, I'd answer them just as straight and forward -- and my answers had apparently caught Alia by surprise.
It was amusing to see her expression though.

6. Johanz (Alia's boyfriend) was very polite! I've never seen him around anyone older than our age.. so it was.. impressive! haha!

7. Alia and I spent about 7 hours together but we didn't take a single picture of us being together!! What's up with that??

dude, I looked like I was just harassed by a mob. So scruffy. So not cute.
8. I spent money today and not just on transports and food! whoopee!

9. I should be sleeping 'cause I had a looong day! (Woke up before 9am.. came home past 2am -- because I tagged along Dida hanging out with her friends.) But I had to get out of bed just now as I needed to pee. Then I had trouble shutting my eyes.

10. blablabla blablaa. There are only 9 things that popped in my mind right now, but stopping a list at the 9th item feels weird.

Please stop screwing me up.

Here's yet another entry where I'm going to tell you how my parents has influenced me into becoming a less than ideal human being person. If you happen to be a 60-year old male, has three daughters, works in a company with his brothers and living in Shah Alam, Pa, stop reading this.

I have a HUMONGOUS doubt over the marriage institution. So much so that I even told a few people that "I don't believe in marriage". So much so that I have considered a life as a spinster.

I can't remember the last time that my entire family was happy.. truly happy instead of being "civil". Civility frustrates me.
Here I will tell you that my parents do not shout at each others throats. They do not throw things at each other. They do not communicate. It is SO bad that I don't communicate. So bad that I wish I could smack them both and lock them into a room with everything breakable I could grab as I drag them into that room. Kill each other if you must -- so long as I wouldn't have to see the damn silence.

They are the perfect example of the two souls who aren't meant to be together. Sure sure, if it wasn't for them, most probably I wouldn't be here. (Then again I would've probably been born in a different family -- although I do adore my sisters, so I'm not so sure I'd trade my parents at the cost of MY sisters.)

Having this as an example.. gives me very little hope in "marriage". Perhaps I'm the extremist as my sisters had agreed on -- do it whole heartedly or don't do it at all. Why bother when you're not going to jump in with both feet?
Why bother having a partner when you don't share everything?
Why bother?

Interestingly.. unfortunately.. My dad did told me that he was happy once. Can you imagine the impact of those words to a child's point of view? I am 23 years old, a young adult.. and I couldn't do anything. I couldn't laugh at it. I couldn't stop feeling sad over it. Maybe he shouldn't have told me that. Too much information -- except that I crave for information as my mother has the maturity level of a 19-year old, and shares NOTHING with me.

Their screw ups has made me a perfectionist when it comes to relationships. If my partner was boring me, I'd cut them off. If we ran out of things to talk about, I'd cut them off. If they'd expected more of me than what I was ready to give them, I'd cut them off. If I find myself hiding more and more things about myself than revealing them, I'd cut them off.
People rarely ever change. It is our views about them that changed so you shouldn't be in a commitment with the hopes that your partner will change.
heh. See how dark my views are about relationships? *claps for the parents*
Unless I could see a slight chance of achieving perfection.. why bother.

My future spouse will have a hard time convincing me to get married. hahhaha! Dida asked me an interesting question the other night. She asked me how would I feel if my child wants to marry a non-Muslim. Me being me, I said I would be fine. She knows me, but for the sake of your understanding; I'm not really religious. I'm merely comfortable being a Muslim, but I don't practice it much. I believe in Allah.. because I like to believe in something bigger than life. A reason to why things happened the way that it did without me having to drive myself insane looking for an answer.
So to have an intellectual understanding is the main criteria I look for in a spouse -- instead of the person being in the same religion as it's supposed to be. (Please don't ask me how I feel about gays! haha!)
Have I sinned for admitting these?

I don't know.. maybe.
My point; I'd rather end up as a spinster than being in a commitment that I'd be miserable in. I just don't understand how anyone would choose to be stuck with misery only for the sake of "being together".

bah. I'm rambling. See, if my parents weren't having the same drama since the past month (plus ten years), I wouldn't have things to reflect on or ramble about.
Blame them for making me -- ME.
Not that it makes me feel any better. I don't like myself too much.

Goodnight world.

Perhaps today I could try.

And write.

It's weird not having a single thought. It's weird not having a single thought that I could write about. It wasn't as if I was devoid of ANY thought at all for these past few days. (I could only dream about the existence of such days -- I've never had them.) But most of the thoughts I had were too personal for me to write in a blog.
Some were not even written in my Moleskine.

You know how some things are better left unsaid so they wouldn't seem "real".. and you could continue on living in denial -- in hopes that it'll keep the sadness at bay and you can live your life relatively happy?
That's what I was doing. Keeping myself from writing anything so I wouldn't write myself to gloom.
And so, I am happy to announce to you that I am not gloomy! hehe

Though I have been smoking more lately. That's not good. I mean, I hate spending so much on ciggies! I've always thought people who spends money on smoke are stupid. If this keeps up, I'm gonna have to start stealing! hahahhaha! Okay, not funny.

Somebody once told me that I have a set of eyes that has the expression as if they were laughing at the world in mockery. Well, I don't mock the world -- I mock at people. hahhaha! Again, not that funny.
Anyway, last night I was standing around as Dida took out some money from the ATM. My eyes wandered around and my eyes caught this guy on the escalator.. I suppose he was looking my way as well that when our gazes met, he had a small smile and raises his eyebrows! HAHAHHAHA! That was funny. What is it with Malaysian men, really? Can't women look without having them turn an innocent look into something else? Can't I look without having them turn an innocent, boring look into something else?? hahhaha!
Ah well, I'm obviously easily amused.
Although, one thing about Malay men that had NEVER amused me.. is how many of them likes to say "jangan la marah" (don't be upset) even when you're not even remotely upset. That line INFURIATES me.

I'm afraid if any man says that to me, I'd immediately stamp them as a "typical Malay man" and a MORON. hahahha!

I'm rambling. And quickly losing my un-gloominess. Better be off and write a letter or something.
'Til later.

Peep toe heels make me feel sexy.

mm.. so.. it's been a while, I know.
Though I don't know why I haven't felt like writing anything. I always have something to write but these days it's just.. "blah".
I've been thinking of going out with my friends but even the thought of it is "blah"! I mean.. really.. I LOVE hanging out with my friends. But knowing that I haven't got ANYTHING to say to them.. is "blah".

blah blah blah.
I don't talk blah. Blahs are meant for blah people. I am NOT one of those blah people! Blah people are the ones who talk about the weather, with weather being the exact meaning for "weather" and not a code word for something else.

I don't usually hate people doing a cover on anybody else's songs, but I actually like this one;

Westlife - More Than Words

The Office.

eeep! Nothing much to share, but I was watching this week's episode of The Office and the last two minutes was just.. eeeeeek! (Okay, that's not very descriptive, I know, but that's just how I feel.)

More people should be watching the show.. I'm just saying. hehe

Expect a thousand more..

because love songs sounds better in acoustic. ♥
Happy 6th monthsary (+2 days) Sylly. hehe

Blue October - Calling You (Acoustic)

PB & J

Doing better now.
Seriously.. had I been more of a girly girl, I'm pretty sure my mood swings would be more of an interchange between fine and angry than fine and depressed. It was amusing though.. the last time I was feeling down, Boyfie said matter-of-factly that "thinking of depressive thoughts does not mean that you're depressed" but the other night he asked "why are you so depressed lately?". hahahha! For once he actually recognized my depression. hahhahaha!
I shouldn't be too happy about that, should I?

Last week I watched some old episodes of The Office. First few of the 4th season specifically because Jim and Pam are the happiest in those. haha! (S04E04 was nicest somehow..) I can't help it.. I like seeing people who grins too much I suppose. Reminds me of happier days.
I've always envied those kinds of people anyway.

Paramore did an exclusive song for the Twilight movie soundtrack, which sounded pretty good! If you're a fan, you could listen to it on Stephenie Meyer's website. I'm actually looking forward to the movie even though I know it'll actually butcher the things that I love in the book -- I'm prepared to be disappointed.

So I suppose I could use my duit raya to fix my computer.. or guitar.. But "fixing stuff" doesn't feel like the right way to be spending my happy money. (Happy money = money I get even when I did nothing to deserve it. hahaha!) And I want to spend it on frivolous things! Shoes.. clothes.. accessories that I'd rarely wear.. make up.. hahaha!
But I'm going to feel guilty about it if I do.. bah! I hate that I'm so indecisive.


Oh, I took a picture of the drain near my house. The one on the left was taken two days ago.. while it was still raining. Seriously, the drainage isn't bad.. but the rain was.
Well I'm bored. Going to do some research on nothing now.

I am in limbo.

I've been relatively quiet these past few days, haven't I?

To be honest I can't seem to find humour in anything so I can't bring myself to write at all.. when I'm feeling the lowest of low. My exhaustion, and frustration.. confusion.. it was never for anyone else's entertainment but simply me, running things through in hopes that it'd somehow inspire me to some meaning. Hoping for an epiphany.

My computer is definitely dying, bit by bit. Usually I'd only have a hard time turning it on but today, even after I got it turned on, the LAN led decided to remain lifeless. I know, I know.. surely it can be fixed but I'm starting to give up on the stupid thing altogether. I can't stand it when things are not working properly. Humans are the most adaptable creatures. We adapt to things even when they're the ones that should be adapting to us.. and now I've found myself completely spent from trying to adapt.
Nobody should settle for second-bests and it seems like I've been settling on a whole lot of things.

It's been raining a lot these days. I've always been a fan of rains but the lightnings, I'm never crazy about. And the lightnings these days are terrible! Freaked me out even more than usual. Muslims believe that lightnings are meant to struck the satans (I know how silly that sounds to you Agnostics.. kinda sounds silly to me too) and I hate the thought.. the idea that satans are hanging around my house.
Earlier today the lightning had probably struck the roof of my flat that it killed the electricity. Well, not killed permanently since it went back after I turned the fuse thingy on again -- obviously I wasn't paying too much attention in Kemahiran Hidup. (Life Skills..?) Oh, and no need for me to describe to you the bang that came with that lightning.

I've always had this image that people who got struck by lightning had some satans hanging around closely to them -- which had meant that they were bad persons. I can't help but try to figure out if I'd done anything SO bad that I would deserve to be smite by God Himself. I'm pretty sure I haven't done anything that bad.. yet. Surely there are other people who deserves it more than I do...

Perhaps He's tired of me whining all the time about my hopelessness that He's helping me leave this world with a bang so I won't be easily forgotten. ha!
Trust me to come up with a ludicrous theory.

Meredith's shrink on Grey's Anatomy said that to find happiness in the midst of the awful things around you is NOT the point.. To feel awful about those awful things but knowing that you won't die from it IS the point.
Maybe.

So I don't know when I'll write again. Maybe later.. maybe tomorrow.. maybe next week.. I don't know. I've been writing my thoughts in my Moleskine, doodling mostly.. and that had seem to be enough as for me "running things through".
I know that everything has its solution. I'm perfectly capable of figuring that out, but I can't seem to find the BEST solution where it would not end up with me settling again.

And most of all.. I need to believe.. believe with all my heart that I am, for a fact, not dying from my feelings because I.. am.. so.. tired.

Trouble sleeping.

Well, to be honest it's not really a trouble.
It's not exactly a "trouble" when I fell asleep around 6 and woke up just before 10. Naturally, I'd still be up at 4am when that happens.

It's been a quiet weekend. I was bored for the most part of it -- the part where I'm awake, that is.

Boyfie said we'll talk tomorrow (Sunday), but we didn't. Lie lie LIEE!!!! ha ha ha. Sorry, I'm not actually laughing, but I'm naturally being melodramatic over a stupid phonecall. (I never recalled them ever being stupid, really.)
I'm being stupid. What ever. I just hate the way I feel sometimes. I hate it when I try not to make a big deal out of things -- by shutting up -- but that in itself is a big deal.. somehow.

Perhaps I've made myself pretty clear here that I'm not exactly a mild-tempered person. I'm angry most of the time. If I'm not angry, I'd usually be upset instead, which is equally draining. ughh.. I have NO IDEA what is wrong with me!! An hour ago I was angry and now I'm just sad and crying. Pathetic!
Crap crap crap.
Maybe I should be medicated.
Can I really blame everything on my parents? Crap.

Mike Schmid - The House We Built

I honestly cannot comprehend why ANYONE would want to get into my mind. I wish I could escape it.

TJ have this theory on girls; how they are all high-maintenance -- whether materialistically, emotionally or in time. I laughed when I first heard it. He has all kinds of theories on girls; kinda annoying. (Though amusing.) So.. a girl who is high maintenance in the material area is in need of a lot of things.. the guy would need to buy her a bunch of things, spend his money.
The girl who is emotionally high maintenance would basically need constant reassurance of the guy's feelings for her. A girl who is high maintenance in time is the one who needs the guy to spend all the time he has to be with her.

I might not get the definitions exactly like the way he said it.. not in the mood to look through the logs right now, but mm.. yah! I think that was basically it. It was funny the first time I heard it. Now.. not so much.

Sometimes I wonder why I even blog.

Ponder.. ponder..

Why do people seem to think that I have a lot to say?
I don't.
I am a listener, people. I LISTEN! Yet people still expect me to say things. pssh! There hasn't been a day where I didn't wish that I'd be smarter.. wiser; so I'd have things that are worthy to be said.

Sometimes I caught myself looking forward to growing old. I wonder if I'd be any wiser. (God, I hope I would!!) Perhaps that's why I've been attracting old men. They are my "inside guy" to the life I'd like to delve into. Perhaps I've been in my father's head for too long.. perhaps it simply isn't enough. So I needed people like Ian and Greg to restore my faith in love and MEN altogether! hahahha! (I am talking about their thoughts and mind here.)

I'm not a curious sort of person. I don't question everything. I only want to know the things that I want to know, and I am perfectly capable of ignoring everything else. Just so happens that "relationships" is one of the subjects that intrigues me. So it's nice.. when people bring things up without me having to ask them. As I said, I'm a listener.

I don't understand why my sisters are disgusted by the thought of me talking to older men. I never thought of them THAT way! ewww! Most of the men I talked to were about my father's age! EWWW!!! I am physically, mentally and emotionally incapable of thinking of them "that" way and if their (the men's) intentions of starting a conversation with me was more than to just share experiences solely on an intellectual level.. ewww!! It's not my fault! Well, I'm too ignorant to notice things like that, anyway. And I don't think I'd be happier if I start doubting everyone's intentions.

Yesterday Boyfie told me that I've got to open up more.. Amazingly, I have been trying. blah.
So anyway.. I sort of promised a friend that I'd write him a letter but I can't think of things to write to him. hmmph.. if only my life was more eventful. haha!
Really. I don't have all that much to say.

Dar sent me (and a few others) this song last night. Amusing lyrics;

Soko - I'll Kill Her

ha!

If only.. I wish to stop writing psychotically in my blog, really.

So anyway, Dida was mean to me last night. She told me to look at her friend's profile on Facebook -- her photos in Europe specifically. yeech! Of course I'd think of OUR trip when we started looking at the photos. Funny thing though, while we were looking at them, we couldn't stop commenting.. criticizing the shots, really. hahha!

Then of course Dida mentioned about OUR photos.. and how she wanted to upload some to HER profile.. so I took out our albums so she could look at them.. but I ended up admiring my own work instead! hahhaha!


These are my scanned prints (first two from left were taken in Frankfurt, the third in Rome). I rarely ever edit my prints for two reasons; 1. I like them just the way they are, 2. I'm a snob. hahaha!

But really.. it ANNOYS me that I don't have a beautiful pic of myself. It's NOT FAIR!! It's not fair that I'm the only one who could work with an SLR. I can't point-and-snap myself with an SLR! Didaa aihaichuuu! No faaaaaaiiirrrr!!

Anyway, that's why I couldn't picture myself being a professional photographer. I mean, over here you can only make money by being a wedding photographer and I am NOT a fan of weddings. Even if I'm doing it as a favour (for family), it's depressing because later it'd seem like I wasn't even there. Sad.

hahhahahaBahijah!

Free handbags!

Handbag Planet is giving away 24 handbags in the course of 24 hours to celebrate the launch of their website on October 15th. All you've got to do is sign up and choose the handbag you'd like to win! Easy-peasy.

Ick.

I was surfing through mphonline.com -- NOT GOOD! I'm not supposed to be looking at books!!! 30% off The Secret. aaack!! I'm not supposed to know that!! I'm also not supposed to know that there's a 30% off on Cecelia Ahern's Thanks For The Memories. ughh!! Damn MPH Newsletter.

gah! So then I looked through H&M, DP, F21 and Women's Secret for other inspirations. hahaha! But then Dida reminded me that there isn't any sale on right now. ughh! I don't want to be buying things only to find out in two months that I'd spent an extra RM30 for it! booo! Shopping blows! I am not the typical girl! I still wear last season's clothes like I got it last week! bahahhaa!
Seriously, books + food > clothes pshh!

mm.. so I've been thinking, you know.. other than the possibility of becoming senile as I grow old, I'd probably lose my hearing as well. See, when I try to drown out my thoughts.. I'd usually blast the songs I'm listening to as loud as I possibly can. (So long as the volume does not cause my ears to ring -- which would ultimately ruin my listening experience, really.) But can you imagine how AWFUL that would be??
Say if I DO lose my hearing.. then there will be NO WAY for me to drown out those thoughts -- AT ALL!!! acckk!! I'm screwed either way. blah.

blah. blah. blah.
Everything about today is just blah.
I've been spamming my blog again. ick. I need a life. Maybe I could buy that with my duit raya. Can I?
Can somebody please knock me over on the head so the day will be over without me having to toss and turn in my bed? Please?

Funny how irked I can get when my dad didn't get me what I wanted. I am SO not good at not getting what I want. What a rotten rotten child.. I mean, I shouldn't be surprised right? I'm a pretty good reader; I read people well enough to know the kind of person that they are -- what I feel is important is most probably not important to them.
Yet when they seem to take things easy, I get disappointed still. How stupid is that? How idiotic can I be to expect things to be different when I'd KNOWN that they are capable of letting me down?

By the way.. this is just about one extra coleslaw. HAHAHHAHA! Can you imagine how STUPID I feel right now?? I am a rational enough of a person to admit that it's really not a big deal -- which is why I'm making it a big deal. IT'S JUST ONE FREAKIN' COLESLAW, DAMMIT! And I couldn't even get THAT!! ughh.. I feel so unimportant right now. That damn coleslaw represents EVERYTHING that I wish to have but didn't get.

Like.. hey, I'm asking you for a little favour but you decide that it's so little.. I wouldn't mind if you said no. Well, I MIND!!
I FREAKIN' MIND!!
Just because I was trying to be polite by saying that I didn't, I DO MIND!!! Do I need to spell everything out?!!!

shit. Now it's no longer about a coleslaw.
I shouldn't bother. Really. I'm not going to bother at all. Why bother wanting anything at all when I'll only end up being the one disappointed. Why bother? Why bother.. why bother.. why bother..
Shutting up now.

Let's talk music..

My 10 favourite songs Lyrically
(in no particular order)

• Inside Of Love by Nada Surf
  I know the last page so well, I can't read the first
  So I just don't start, it's getting worse
  
  

  Nada Surf - Inside Of Love

  This is a really nice depressing song about wanting to be in love; coming so close to it but not quite. And I absolutely love the lyrics at the end of the song -- so rational, but sad.

• All About You by McFly
  Dancing on kitchen tiles
  
  

  McFly - All About You

  It's such a cute little song! How can you not love it? And I know it's probably lame, but I like the idea of dancing on the kitchen tiles.. it's an image of perfect bliss.. somehow. (For one, if you have a kitchen big enough that you could dance around; you must be doing well financially. haha! And if I have someone who would want to be silly with me in a KITCHEN, I'd say that person is perfect.)

• Calling You by Blue October
  And if I said it a hundred times before
  expect a thousand more
  
  

  Blue October - Calling You

  I never knew Blue October had songs such as this! I LOVE it! Okay, I have a thing for love songs that doesn't sound like a love song; ones that hide behind a quick beat, loud guitars -- it makes the lyrics more appealing (to me!) Honestly, the entire lyrics of this song just speaks to me.

• That I Would Be Good by Alanis Morisette
  That I would be loved
  even if I'm not myself
  
  

  Alanis Morisette - That I Would Be Good

  It's insecurity made into a song.

• You And I Both by Jason Mraz
  And it's okay if you had to go away
  oh just remember the telephones well they're working it both ways
  
  

  Jason Mraz - You And I Both

  Okay, this song actually reminds me of somebody but anyway.. I love it for the fact that it's about the love that isn't exactly there anymore -- but it's OKAY. Live life to the fullest kind of song. You don't have to mope around.

• Wake Up by Coheed & Cambria
  I'll do anything for you
  Kill anyone for you
  
  

  Coheed & Cambria - Wake Up (Acoustic)

  I might actually be wrong about loving this song for the lyrics because I actually REALLY love how this song sounds like in the acoustic version.. but dude, it isn't love until he/she is willing to kill someone for you! hahha! This song is just cool for having that line for a lyric.

• Work by Jars Of Clay
  it's the breathing that's taking all this work
  
  

  Jars Of Clay - Work

  This song is awesome.. really. It's best listened to while you're running. haha. I don't think I can explain why I love this song. The lyrics are pretty straight forward. Also, the beats to this song are brilliant!

• Rest In Pieces by Saliva
  Look at me, my depth perception must be off again
  'Coz this hurts deeper than I thought it did
  
  

  Saliva - Rest In Pieces

  Sad sad song.. Heartbreak leads to moping sort of song. Pleading for the hurt to go away sort of song. Very sad. I caught the lyrics to this song on the very first time I heard it on the radio on my way back from class. Suppose I could say that I was in a moping-mood then.

• If You're Not The One by Daniel Bedingfield
  If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
  
  

  Daniel Bedingfield - If You're Not The One

  Stubborn.. stubborn heart. It wants what it wants, yeah? Similar back-story as to the previous song; I caught most of the lyrics the first time I heard it and can't quite shake it off my head.

• Save Yourself by James Morrison
  If I'm crying now, don't listen to it
  it's only my heart
  
  

  James Morrison - Save Yourself

  Possibly the song MOST similar to what I would exactly say. Actually, I have said something similar to it. Right, hun? I do believe that EVERYBODY is better off without me. Boggles my mind everytime they stayed. Nuts.

I'm pretty sure that there are better songs out there. The fact is, this is MY list.. and when I thought about it while I was in the car on my way to Perak last week, these were the songs that popped in my head.

lalalaa..

Crappy feeling still lingers around at a corner somewhere but as I'm in a better mood than I was in last night.. I should grab this chance by distracting myself with some lame, trivial entry. hahaha!

So.. since Raya is pretty much over, (I've never been a fan of open-houses) I've been making a mental list of things I'd like to get with my duit Raya.
HAHAHHAHAHA!! (trivial enough for you?) hahhaahha!

Dida thought I was going nutty the other night as I ran things through with her. First I yapped about how I like the IDEA of getting something new to wear.. but I know myself too well that I'll end up with a book! hahaha! I fail at being the "typical girl". But I should bring myself to get a new pair of shoes. Mary-janes? Ballet? Heels? Flats? Black? Coloured?

Then we saw a really cute British-inspired dress at the Mango display. (I LOVE Brit inspired pieces.. also army/marching band-like jackets! I honestly hover around those things.) But really.. I don't need anymore dresses nor jackets -- I don't wear enough of the ones I already have. bah.

It's like this.. I can either spend a lot, or not spend at all; but that's upsetting since to me, you are meant to have money so you can spend it! But blowing them out on BOOKS are so geeky! hahahha!
Maybe I'll just get myself some socks and undies. HAHAHAHA! I was actually thinking of asking for people to send me socks for my birthday but that's a way too silly of a request! (Although really.. I would LOVE to get socks! Not from you though, hun. Socks are too easy for you. heehee)

ughh.. So anyway.. I just can't decide. Maybe I'll just end up spending them at San Fran like I usually would; books and good food. blah. It's boring how predicatable I am -- to myself. HAHAHAHHA!
God, I've been laughing and smiling too much just because of this entry.

mm anyway, I haven't decided on anything. Wish I was born rich.. I bet rich people doesn't have to decide on anything because they get to have EVERYTHING. (Of course, that is only my assumption.. I'd like to test that out myself please, thank you!)

Oh by the way.. did you notice the ad on your right?? hahahha!

I think I'm dying.

Little pieces of my heart that breaks apart,
the parts of my brain that dulls away.
When I say that I am dying, I did not mean that I am dying,
It is the essence of me that is waning.
I am running out of things to say, words cannot convey the feeling that I'm feeling.

Wish I could tell you everything, things that runs through my mind. But for that to be possible you'll need to look into my eyes and listen to the beats of my heart. So I'm sorry that I said it was nothing when you asked. I honestly cannot form any words to tell you what you'd otherwise just know.

But I'm me and you're you. You're there while I'm here.
So here I sit as still as I can just gasping desperately for air while I tell myself not to cry.

Help.
Who can help me now?
Stupid stupid stupid.
Shit shit shit.

uh.. so..
I may not be clinically depressed, but is there an appropriate word to call myself when I feel as crappy as I do right now?
I am honestly just.. exhausted.

Oh, this song does NOT mean anything to me.. but it sounded as sad as I'm feeling. Somehow. What ever. Shutting up now.

McFly - POV