Less is more.

All my life, I always thought that I would never be one of those boring girls who couldn't do anything without their guy's permission.
Well, Boyfie never actually demanded that I get his "permission" before doing anything but I must say that I've been pretty boring. (yikes!)

Honestly though.. to not be boring is SO easy. Especially for me whose always been pretty fickle. The challenge now is to be okay with being boring and to be really honest, it's HARRRDDD!!! *sigh*
I can understand Boyfie perfectly how worried he can get sometimes because I know me, and so does he. hehe.

oy, I don't know why I'm typing this. Boyfie won't be happy. grr. I have no idea why I think the way I do and say the things that I say. They are so unnecessary sometimes but I say them anyway because they're taking up precious space in my head.
Honesty is not always the best policy but most of the time, I just can't shut up.

So anyway.. I was reading Alif's blog just now and there's a 'ps' for me where he apologized for not being able to do a super ending for our dance. Sure, I'd like a super ending where the audience would go "ooh".. but. Thinking how Boyfie would feel.. I am SO GLAD that we can't do a super ending, Alif!! hahahhahaha!

It's Monday again...
Classes.. dance practices.. I'm happy to say that I am not yet bored of this. The waking up every morning is beginning to become a drag though. Routines KILLS me, really, but I'm holding on to the bit where once I'm at the academy, I'll be learning different things.

sigh. I am so flawed..

How I became stupid.

I was told that I need to re-train myself for the announcement thing.
That was a slap in the face, honestly. It feels like I just failed English -- and I DON'T FAIL ENGLISH. Never.
Apparently I spoke too fast and Mr. Fauzi said to me; "Speed kills."
Okay.

The week has been pretty tiring; with all the practice for our graduation (which will be more than a month away!)
I suppose it's better to be prepared..
I'm really glad that it's the weekend! I can finally rest my achy body and blistered feet.

mm.. okay.
Enough typing (even though it's really short), I need my rest. Really. heh.

Hello, new week.

Hello, period too..

The week started alright, but then again it's only Monday..
I honestly have NOTHING to write about, but I do have this itch where I need to write, so here I am.

We're finally done with Communications class. (English, basically.) Done our role plays.. which were pretty silly despite it's requirement of being a sappy story.
Remove (which was the name of my group) managed to collect the most points. (O yeah, that's what you get when you put the super geek and geek in the same group!)
Why Remove, you ask?
We couldn't think of a name for ourselves so we decided to flip to a random page on the dictionary and point to a word! hahahha. We're just awesome like that. heh. Of course, if you want a nicer version of how we got our name.. it was simply our aim to remove ourselves from the ordinary to the extraordinary.
hahahahhaha!! hamekk kau!

Moving on.
We're starting our Voice Enrichment class tomorrow. That's basically for our pronunciation and intonations for the announcements we'll make on board once we're on-line. By the end of the class (Wednesday), we will be rated on how well we are able to do those announcements.
I'd really like to do well. After all, English is supposedly my forte. Emphasize on the word SUPPOSEDLY, please. bleh.

Oh oh.. The boys had to pick the girls' name for the performance at the end of our training and Alif picked my name! wooot! "Meant to be" lah konon.. At least he knows about my giggling fits lah. Kan kan?
We are one monogamous couple on the dance floor. heh.

Okay, I think this is the most I've written on my blog about my life as a trainee.
Expect no updates in the next coming days..
:)

I need..

HELP.

It brings me heart ache everytime I think about what I need.
It's heartbreaking when I need more than what I can have.
Why must we need more?

So last night I figured that holiday breaks is not meant for me.
I am destined to wear myself out so I wouldn't have the time to THINK about things that would make me happy -- while I realize how unhappily incomplete I really am.
Just get busy, and be too tired that I just plop myself in bed and fall asleep.
And forget.

I hate myself when I'm alone.
It's not like I actually need to have people around me constantly.
I just need a constant distraction that would take my mind off of myself.

:)

I'm fine, I promise.
hahhahahha!!

We were asked to write 4 adjectives to describe ourselves on Wednesday.
On Thursday, Ms. Samantha asked me why I described myself with the words that I'd used since I did not seem like them at all.
Well, it isn't fair for her to say that when I was hyperventilating after laughing so much with Nat and Lydia at Adi's silly ideas.

It's pathetic to say that no one really knew what runs through my mind most of the time.
My existence in life is pathetic.
hahahahhhahaha!
And I know that I don't look like the type who would say that.

I am a good pretender -- as long as I wasn't given a pen and paper (or in this case, a laptop) to write out my thoughts.
Which is of course another reason why I'll be great at my job! yayy!

Your defining moment.

Something in my class last Friday made me think.
We were asked to describe something that had made an impact to us and though it took me a while to figure out what it was.. when I finally did, I found two. (I only shared briefly one of those two, though.)

I suppose I couldn't help myself.
I was really never a fan of "people" before I met Manir.
Everytime I get on a train I would wonder if I'd bump into him again. I wonder if I could recognize him. I wonder if he still remembers me.
It was the first time ever that I talked to a stranger about something of depth and it was really enjoyable.

To think that I first thought of him as nosy; leaning over to see what I was writing in my journal..

I found out at that moment that I love making connections with strangers.
And that's why I'd like to work with people. It's that rare moments when you simply share something meaningful with another person.

Basically, that's the reason why I am where I am while the second defining moment (which some may have figured out, as I refuse to share at this moment) is the reason why I am where I am now.

On a different note, I am SO STOKED that tomorrow is a public holiday!! I really need a good long sleep.
Oh oh.. we had our Part 1 exam on Tuesday.. and yours truly scored a 98%!! HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA!! I can't remember when was the last time I scored that high! hahahahha!! I'm a little irked that I got one question wrong.. I was saying how I wanted perfect marks before we had the test!

Okie! Think I should start my weekend early. heehee!

Is it just me..

Or it feels like the company is trying to brainwash us?
hahahha!
I swear, every single time I get to that computer room, it feels like I'm having a full-blown ADHD!

So I haven't blogged in a while.
Here's what you've missed;
I've basically been going to bed at 11-ish (!!!) waking up before 6 every morning, so I could have my shower, do my hair, put an inch of gunk on my face (hahahha) and still remember to wear my watch and make sure that I have my manual in my bag.

I've really never put this much effort on anything, I'm telling you.

I had to cut my hair on Wednesday, but it's alright. I can still tie it up so as long as I can be lazy during my off days, I'm good.
My entire body aches -- which only means that I should rest in bed this whole weekend. hahahaha!

I'm generally in a good mood.
Probably because I'm REALLY glad that it's the weekend. hehe.
I need to find the Photoshop installer, but man.. it's the weekend!! I refuse to stress myself. heehee

Ughhhh!!!

Saikonye rasa...



The end.

Kick me when I'm down.

You know why I really want to get the job that I'm training for right now?

I want to meet people.
I like talking to strangers.
People whom I don't know and does not know me. Most importantly, they don't even assume that they know me; which is worse.

It's really tiring when the loved ones are the ones who knows how to hurt you best.
It's painful to admit that no one really knows who you are.
No one.
(If you think that's hard to read, you should be in my position and feel how I feel.)

I don't need a friend.
I just need to get lost.

Not feeling great.

I suppose,


I just need
MORE

One whole year!!

All twelve months.
That's 52 weeks.
We got through 365 days!
We've orbitted the sun, hunny..
Together! ♥

My sister and I always talked about how lucky we are to have the love of our family -- constant and unconditional. Not everyone is as lucky as we are; to have the support of our parents, siblings that we can talk to.. but to have someone else besides our family to love us is a whole different feeling.
To have somebody who does not have to love you, love you.. I am forever grateful.

I used to think that love is when you devote your life completely to someone else. In a way, living for another person. But that's not what love really is. I feel like I used to lead a mediocre life -- for I did not know what living really is.
Unfortunately I am not exactly living a full life right now but I know what I must do to achieve that, and it all started on the day that I fell in love.

So thank you.. for being the man that you are. For being the man that I could fall in love with. For being the rock that I could hold on to. For giving me the reason to live. For nudging me to be the better person that I needed to be. For looking after me. For showing me what happiness is. For loving me.

I am not going to live for anyone.
I am living for myself.. and half of me is you.

-- quote by Eva Gabor

blah.

I don't feel like dropping names today even though I had a pretty good day in the academy..
Heard a few jokes.. made a few funny.. hung out with an acquaintance and my batch-mates.. made a new friend..

Perhaps Morrie was right,
not really sure if the quote was by him but I think it was him.. I'll look it up when I have the time (and patience)
People don't really change. Even if a grumpy, unhappy man wins the lottery.. he'll become happy only for a while, but he will still be the grumpy, unhappy man but with a lot of money. And if a jovial man suddenly loses his legs in an accident, he will be upset but after a while, he'll be a jovial man in a wheelchair.
Well.. it went something like that, but you get the idea, right?

I can't help but feel so alone despite being around so many people all day.

haha! Really.. my day wasn't bad at all..
I felt really lucky and grateful that I got a spot in that class. Plus, I hung out with the coolest people around! (eceeh.. bodek sikit in case diorang jumpa this blog -- since I mentioned about its existence when I introduced myself this morn. hehe)
I've got nothing to complain...

Except that I miss Boyfie.
I suppose I get a pang at the fact that I meet all the same people for five days a week and none of them is him.
Distance blows.
blah.

You reminded me of Gerry.

..just a bit though.
The story actually revolved around Gerry's death and I don't really want anything like that to be my story.

So I started my training yesterday.
There wasn't anything much.. just briefings mostly. It's going to start for real tomorrow so I'm actually.. slightly nervous.
First exam on the 28th. yikes!
I think I'm still a bit unsure on the rules about what I can and cannot write on this blog. So, just to be safe..
that's all I'm telling you!
hahahhaha!

I'm liking my batch though.
The guy sitting next to me (Adi) was born one day after I was born. And he pointed out this morning how my name spells his name, backwards.. He said it was "freaky", so I suppose I made the right call when I didn't tell him that if I had a brother, my dad would've named him Adi. hahahha!
Anyway, nothing much to tell really. I don't think mentioning that we have a 6-footer in our batch is interesting, is it? haha!
I'll drop names once I've known them all better.

I need to learn how to do my make-up from my mom tonight.
And I should head to bed early too. (I actually fell asleep at 8 something last night!!)
But before all that.. I should get my dinner.
So, 'til next time!

ughhh..

My sister bought a new laptop..
And I can't find the Photoshop installer.
bleh.

Report Duty 13Apr09

heeheee!
I can't stop giggling whenever I think about it. "Report Duty".. sounds so serious!

Anyway, boys and girls..
I'm going to start my training next week!! woohoo!!
I'm finally going to start working.. making my own money.. (not much!) but money was never my goal. heehee. A job that wouldn't bore me and something that I can love, was what I was looking for and I believe that I've found it.

I suppose I won't have much time to blog after this considering that I won't be spending my time looking for a cyber-cafe anymore. And I won't exactly be using the computer at home either. oh sigh.
I need a laptop. heehee!

I have a bunch of things to do before Monday then. Papers to complete and submit.. Copies to make.. One call to make..? bleh!
Til next time then..

Hullo!

My mood's getting better.
I wrote 3 cards/letters this week. hahaha! Talk about writing as a therapy. I thought I was going crazy. I'm glad that insanity isn't infectious. Like seriously. I'm really glad that I am the only neurotic person in the house.

I'm feeling pretty positive today -- which I must say is really rare.
But of course, there was something that really pissed me off earlier. (Note: being pissy is much much better than depressed.)

So I went to the PKNS Complex with my dad. He was meeting my aunt (to help me with my bond documents) while I went to the post office.
Afterward we went for a quick drink.. and as we got out from our seats, my dad realized that he didn't have the parking ticket with him. Believing that he had left it in the car, we walked to the parking lot and looked all over inside the car -- no sign of the ticket.

So we went to the office.. saw the lady that was at the counter. She said that we have to pay RM20 for the lost ticket.
My dad asked her why is it RM20.. (seriously, that's just TOO MUCH for a stupid piece of paper.)
Then she practically said; "that's just the way we roll.." (her exact words were: "dah memang macam tu, sejak azali")
WTF?!!

Kalau kau kaya raya boleh la cakap camtu. 20 ringgit untuk kertas bodoh, boleh laa! Kot ye pon kelentong la kata magnetic strip tu mahal kee..
Moron. Dah laa kat kompleks jee! WTF! Sangat tak munasabah. Menyampah! Sila mati mengejut.

Okay. Enough venting. heehee.
My dad was really cool even though he was the one who had to pay the money. hahahha! But seriously, he shouldn't have paid that much.
Next time I'll remind him to just give any parking tickets for me to hold on to. (Like Dida would.) I guess I'm good at keeping things, but lousy at keeping electric/electronic things intact. heehee.
Ah well, everyone has their special talent.

'til next time, everyone..
I should head out 'coz my dad is coming to pick me up. haha!
I'm such a brat.. and that's my talent. heehee

Back in Shah Alam.

I think I'm glad to be back.
I don't usually feel "glad" to be back from anywhere but I'm definitely feeling glad. I'm not sure why exactly though considering that I'm now in an internet cafe and I bet that my sister will blame everything that's happened to her laptop on me. pshh!
I really need to start my training/job soon.
Which reminds me, I still haven't called the HR about my medical results.
I - HATE - MAKING - PHONECALLS!

I'm not feeling like myself right now.
Maybe because it's just tiring to be myself so somehow I managed to adopt somebody else's feelings on my way back. I don't know.
I'm still a bit upset even though it's no biggie. I know I could've just get it over with if I talk about it. But I'm still keeping quiet like the idiot that I am.
Anyway, I'm numb. (Other than dumb.)
Being upset was tiring so now I'm numb.
But getting back to myself from numb proves to be harder than I thought it would. So I don't know..

I want to feel the way that I used to feel though. But with a little less crying though. hahahha!

I've been here for 2 hours apparently.
Maybe I should head home.. soon.. ish. haha!

Oh, I just noticed that my layout repeats itself on 1680 x 1050 resolution.. so DON'T use that! heehee

I am an emotional wreck.

I'm bummed.
Incredibly bummed.
I don't even know why I'm blogging this when I don't really want to remember this.
Not now, not when I wake up in the morning, not the day after, not ever. I feel stupid and lame, and I'm pretty sure I'll feel worse later.

I'm sorry for writing this. Sorry that you read my pointless psycho babble. Close this page and get on with your lives.

I'll be fine.
You know I will.

Rain, rain go away.

Is it just me or the dark clouds has been following me a LOT lately? Really.. I am SO exhausted. This emotional roller coaster is enough to make anyone lose their minds..

I might have killed my sister's laptop (2nd degree murder..?) so now I'm trying to amuse myself by reading some old letters. (A few were dated in '99!) But clearly, they are not enough.
I am nothing but miserable here and I hate it! I'm really not feeling for the trip tomorrow.

New brushes!

wheee! Geeky mode.
I've been meaning to get them but I keep getting distracted. sigh. The story of my life. So I've been spending the last hour just creating templates for the next time I edit pictures for this blog. I'd honestly like to doodle but thinking that I spent about 5 hours on my seriously lame art-project yesterday, I figured that I should be staring at something else than my Moleskine and not get my hands covered in chalk pastels and ink blots. (I'm such a child!)


ughh. I'm missing Boyfie so naturally I looked through our pictures and well.. it's NOT helping!
This is incredibly annoying.
Oh sigh.


Supposedly one would think about pranks yesterday, but really.. I was thinking of something else the entire day.. heh.

Okay, I'm boring myself. Maybe I should just go doodle some stuff. hahahhaha. oy..