No excuses.

I wish everyone would just stop making excuses for me already.
They should all just smack me for what I've done.
Not comfort me and make me feel better for doing something bad!
Crazy.. crazy people. And I thought I was crazy, but turns out everyone else is even crazier than I am! Which is driving me MAD!
I should feel lousy and lonely and hated..

Ah well.. at least Boyfie Syl has finally treated me the way I'd preferred him to.. being all snappy and testy (or at least that's the way he sounded to me) instead of being all pleasant and completely convinced that he's not angry with me.
Somehow I find myself wishing that we live closer now so he could slam the door in my face.

hahahahhaha!
Oh, perhaps I should remind you that I'm the kind of person who finds humour in death.

Anyway, I feel lousy now as I deserve. yayy!!
Time for a smoke now.

Am I ready?

Hardly.

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA!!
This time, I must honestly say that I am laughing to keep myself from crying. I've never felt so.. horrible in my life. I suppose I can't keep being selfish. I must choose my words wisely from now on.

I have no idea how things turned out the way it did.
We had communication.
We had love.
I guess it came down to distance.. and the fact that I am not strong enough to hold on to "us". It's not a good feeling to be the weak link.
To be the cheater.
And what's worse.. I wasn't surprised that I did what I did. What sort of a person am I???

A horrible one, of course.
Suppose I should just let Awif's words sink in.. if things are meant to be, it's meant to be. So I'll just go with the flow from now on.
If I should spend my old days alone, then it'd be my karma and I shall accept it.
I don't think I deserve to be with anyone anyway.

So! Other than my mental health being at stake here, I must say that everything else is going great! I am nowhere close to being good at my job yet but at least I am enjoying the people I am working with!
Plus the fact that we don't take our jobs home. Once we get off the aircraft, we'll leave everything behind, have a good long sleep and be excited to serve people again on the next flight!

Oh, dude.. perhaps I am too cynical to be working in this line but you wouldn't know that if you're not reading this blog. heh.
I am not bored of this job yet and that is the main reason why I joined in the first place. Not much life going on though.. all I do on my days off is sleep, sleep and more sleep.

And flying is giving me my allergies back. My leg is UGLY from the rashes! But please don't try to spot it when you see me in my uniform. Look at my heavily made-up face instead; I at least spend forty minutes getting my face ready. Or look at my butt instead! Just.. not the legs.

Guess I am no longer fasting from blogging.
Though I don't have all that much to say, to be honest... too busy having secret conversations with myself. heh

I should stick to Moleskine.

I don't think I will have any pleasantries to write about for the time being.

So I'm fasting from blogging.

To quote Katie Herzig;

When an ocean
sits right between us
There is no sign
we'll ever cross
You should know now
that I feel lost

I hurt too
I hurt too

I should be thankful.

I have a family that supports me, friends who makes me laugh, all the love a girl needs.. and more, a job that doesn't bore me..

But why do I feel like I'm wasting away? Why am I still a glass half-empty? Why am I still seeking for what ever it is that I'm seeking?
I am driving myself mad. I shall fall apart, as I truly deserve it.

Hi, I'm Wanie and I am a mess.

I need to write again.

As in with pen and paper.
I really miss writing in my Moleskine, but I never seem to have the time. Or even if I do, I tend to get sleepy 5 minutes after I start.
Horrible.

Anyway, not that I have a lot of things to say lately. But I find that I need to have a run through of my own mind without having it cooped up in my head. Feels like I'm getting tangled in them the more I leave it unwritten.

You know how it feels like.. to have a stable best friend for such a long time and suddenly losing it? So now you're left with no one to talk to about your stupid, silly problems.
I am feeling a bit like that right now.
I have friends who knows exactly what I am getting myself into at the moment, but nothing they will ever say could help me clear up my thoughts. But of course, I can't really tell them every detail of what I think and feel 'cause I'm also afraid of what they will say to me.
hahhahaha!

So yeah, don't ask me what's going on 'cause you know I won't tell. hehe.
I'm not in any big trouble or anything, I can assure you. I am just.. severely confused. But then again.. when have I never? heehee!

It's 5pm and I haven't written a single note for tomorrow's flight as I'd wanted to! ughh! This is ridiculous. I need to take my words seriously next time.

I slept and dreamt of cheese.

I feel like a fat kid now.
I mean, who the heck dreams about food?!
Well, I didn't just dream of food. I felt weird being left alone to sleep for too long. hahahha! (Usually my alarm would go off or someone would talk to me -- even when they know that I'm asleep, or do something to wake me.)

Feels like a long weekend. But to say that I'm looking forward to the new week would be a lie.
I do miss Bukit Jalil though. Weird. I definitely wasn't expecting it. Ah well, you learn something new everyday.

I should write some notes before my flight on Monday. I'd like to be prepared for once! hahaha!
'Til next time then.. (maybe later, maybe in a few weeks..) Take care, everyone!

So,

..a new chapter begins.
I feel different now.

More sleepy, more lazy, more tired, a little more enlightened and a lot less innocent.
HAHAHAHHAHA!

Last week I was a cabin crew trainee in Sarawak, having my first night stop flight.

Today, I am officially a cabin crew! Graduated last Thursday with 19 others of my ohana.

I'm a little excited for my first solo flight this Monday.. but mostly nervous! duuude! I need to acquire a faster pace while I'm on the job.
But I'm in a good place now.. sort of. heehee. (Forget that I am digging myself a hole and that I have only a few bucks left in my purse to last me another 14 days, I AM in a good place!)

I don't really feel like typing so much right now.. so,
Congratulations 09/09!! I had a great time with you guys this past 65 days; Adi, Awif, Murni, Mimi, Didi, Luqy, Sally, Nat, Yen Chew, Crissy, A-Moon, Lisa, Fabian, May, Bryan, Ain, Syabil, Ema and Felicia!

And I am SO going to miss you this two months, bestie-gedik!!
I shall go mental when I can't vent to you..

Hello, from Bukit Jalil.

Some would think that being a cabin crew leads you to a glamorous life. All I've done since I came home last night was sleep, doodle, sleep some more, read, do the laundry and basically laze, laze, laze.. Which part of that is glamorous, I have no idea..

Tomorrow's Sunday and I'll be 'working'. The thing about this job; you basically work with people and when it comes to people, there is always something new to learn. So I hope I'll learn a lot.

Call me "Crazy bitch".

I am unreasonable.
I am selfish.
I have anger issues.
I am short tempered.
I curse a lot.
I don't bounce back as fast as everyone else does.
I'm a late bloomer.
I am dependent.
I am annoying.
I am too serious sometimes.
I am egoistical.
I am emotional.
I am a girl.
I am tactless.
I write too much.
I'm indecisive.
I run away from my problems.
I get scared easily.
I like being alone.
I am depressive.
I am weak.
I hurt easily.
I'm unforgiving.
I am cold.
I think too much.
I like things going my way.
I'm a spoiled brat.
I am vindictive.
I'm neurotic.
I don't like myself.

Even he knows to text me.

All the trainers were right. Basically, what everyone had told me was right. Working in the line that I'll be working in.. the temptation is great.
Of course, when you speak to me of temptation.. I don't really need to be in this line to be "tempted".. I am always tempted to try out new things. Temptation is EVERYWHERE and they seem to call out to me personally sometimes.

I would say that I'm glad that I am too egoistical to bow down to them.
Like seriously, I refuse to be seen as weak to be tempted.
Sometimes I even make calls to temptation so I could say to them, "hah! suckaaa!"
hahahahha!
I'm speaking in riddles, aren't I?
Well, I am trying to occupy myself from worrying or being pissed at Boyfie for being M.I.A.

I can't seem to decide if I'm more worried or pissed.
Who are we kidding here, of course I'm PISSED!!
I am pretty much pissed all the time!
I have anger issues and it can be so obvious sometimes.

ughhh!!
You know what, I'll call him one more time and if he doesn't answer then I'll just let it be. He can call me if he want but I am just too annoyed to care. ughh!

----

See, I forgot to tell you about what happened today.
I went out to see Ana and Bahijah earlier and it was really nice, catching up with them. I haven't seen them since I started my training! Nothing much had changed, I suppose.. just that it had felt weird walking with them now.. I was reminded how it had felt like to be a giantess! hahahha!


But while I was waiting for them at Coffee Bean, some old guy came over to my table and asked if he could join me.. WTH?!

[ The old-man attractor strikes again!! ]

I was sitting.. minding my own business and this fella just came and wanted to sit with me! I said that I was waiting for my friends, then he said that he thought I was alone.. wtf? If I was sitting by myself and making no eye contact what so ever, I OBVIOUSLY want to be left alone! Then he stood there, asking where I'm from.. I answered and politely asked back the same question. He said that he's from Lebanon.. then asked if I know where it is T_T (Which I kinda do. I don't know EXACTLY where it is, but I know how the flag looks like! haha)
AND then, he asked me again if he could sit with me. I said NOOO, YOU FRIGGIN' OLD DUDE! LEAVE ME ALONE! (Okay, maybe not those exact words.. but that's what I'd thought of saying!)
Oh.. he also asked me if I have a boyfriend! WTH! Even if I don't, I'm not gonna let you sit with me you friggin' old dude!! uggghhh!!

Why do I keep attracting old men, honestly?
Why God, whyyyy??
Send me some tall, handsome men instead please! Then I'll let him/them sit with me for as long as he/they like!

What a week.

I do think that I am falling apart.
Too much information since the last 3 months, possibly.
Too much studying and finally.. next week, I'll be operating on an aircraft. (Four flights, to be exact.)

My batch were taught on the service procedures for the past week and GOD! There are too many things to remember and I kept feeling oh-so-sleepy!! So yeah, I'm falling apart 'cause I don't want to be one of those people who only knows things on paper but knows nothing of the practical -- but that's exactly how I feel right now.
*shivers*

I'll need to study real hard this weekend, honestly.
I wish not to be mad at by the seniors.

Moving on, I'll be in Bukit Jalil once I go on-line. (That's the word that they use once you officially operate 'solo', aparently.) So I should start packing or at least figure out what I'm taking with me tomorrow. (I'm moving myself tomorrow.. or at least that's the plan.)

I think I'm nervous. But also excited! (Typical.)
I wish it's already the next month so I could get my pay. hahahahha!

I'm not good at goodbyes.

Where's the 'good' in goodbyes anyway?

Funny how there are only days left to my training. Funny.. but mostly scary.
Time really flies this week and I have no idea where have all the days gone. (Obviously I was too engrossed by my own depressive thoughts to actually count the days.)

But really.. where have all those days gone??
My last day of class is basically this coming Monday and I'll begin my supernumerary thing (SNY) where I am expected to do things on the flight.
eeeep!!

Good thing I'll be moving in with Mimi and Murni.. with Sallina, Crystal and Yen Chew just six floors up from our apartment. And Nat's moving into the block next door. Like seriously.. I am very glad that I have these people close by.
I'm already missing my train-sessions with Awif. I miss our air-cover band while we have nothing else better to do! hahahha! We decided today that we are each other's best friends. HAHAHAHHA!

ughh! Next week is going to be scary.
And I was doing the slideshow earlier.. can't believe that this entire experience is ending.

I am one huge, giant mess.

Here's one thing about me, (for those who didn't know)..
I laugh to keep myself from crying.
But then there are days when I can no longer find things to laugh about. Days when I realize that my smiles aren't even 'smiles'. Days when I say that I'm fine but all I want to do really is shout at the top of my lungs that I am not.

I've been really moody these days, I know. I can't seem to stop the streak somehow.
And I feel bad that my batch mates had to see me like this. I am like a spoilt brat and I hate it.

You know how they say that a woman's hormones go berserk when they are pregnant?
I am SO not looking forward to that. If I feel like trash when I am not pregnant, what are the chances that I won't feel lower than dirt when I am?

Sorry you had to read my depressive rants for the past week. I'M sorry to be feeling this way.

Mentally exhausted.

Not the complete truth, honestly.
I'm just exhausted. Period.

I'm tired I'm tired I'm tired..
and I am not blaming my work on it. Suppose it's my fault for not getting enough rest and relax when I actually have the time to.

The observation thing went fine. My boss for the day was really nice and so was the crew. I didn't do much though.. I woke up with a flu so really, all I could do was TRY to observe as much as I can. (Which wasn't much at all.)
ughhh.
Let's just say that I haven't been taking a good care of myself.

I'm pathetic. Thank you.
And all I wanna do right now is cry. Weep. Shout and scream.
'Cause I'm tired, and pathetically in need of attention from the one person who can't give me exactly what I need which is one stupid hug.

hahahahahhaha!
I am crying over a hug that I can't get.
God, how can anyone be this unstable.
This is unbearable. This feeling is unbearable.
I have the flu, my head aches, my body aches and my heart aches.

So yeah, I'm tired. Completely exhausted.
I try. All I can do now is try to hold on. I really don't think going mental right now is healthy.
mm.. yeah.. I don't think I should talk about work and then going mental in the same entry again next time. So I'll just have to try harder..

This is honestly not the best time to fall apart.. not that there is ever a good time.

Two pieces of the same puzzle.

I've been feeling blue this past couple of days.

And I'm not sure if Boyfie can fix me this time. I've come to a point where I'd get upset if he ignores me.. and just as emotional when he tells me sweet things.
ughh!! I can't help but wish that someday I will be a half-full glass instead of being half-empty.

The end.

You have the permission..

to bruise my heart,
and mend it again.

I really wish that I still have the time to write letters.
I hate how words fail me when I speak..

hmm.. the slide-show I'm working on is coming along fine. University did me good after all. haha!
I've been quite tense this week and I don't know why exactly. Just agitated all around. I could make jokes one minute, and pick a fight in another. I've also been eating a lot. Well, not a LOT per se, but more than the last few weeks.
I'd like to blame it on this weekend's in-flight observation and a little more on separation anxiety.
But maybe I'm just tired of not being able to write as much as I need to.
I wasn't lying when I wrote in my profile that my head would've exploded if I wasn't writing. Honestly, I don't think anyone can handle my head. (Even I'm having trouble handling it!)

Can you sense that my head is in a mess at the moment?
ughh! I'd like to not be this girl right now.

Psycho mode off...

I suppose this would sound bitchy, but in a way, I am glad that my training is coming to an end. I honestly love my friends to bits -- but not everyone is my friend, if you get what I mean. hehe.
I'm also glad that I'll be moving in with some of my favourite people, so I suppose I won't miss them THAT much. hahaha! And the rest of those favourite people are living two storeys up from where we (are going to) live and another one lives in about two minutes drive from our apartment.
Perfect!

We did our slide and wet drill today. It was pretty cool, but majorly tiring. I hate the stupid life vest. My neck hurts now so I better position myself when I sleep later. Plus, my leg had a cramp as I went on the life raft. ughh!
Oh oh.. and my shoulder aches from operating the plane's (mock) doors and window hatches.
gah! I am so SO not fit.
Okie. Enough complaining.

The week isn't going to be so relaxing after all.
We were assessed on our emergency commands and I must say that it felt good to shout about. We're having a lot of physical things going on this week (didn't expect that it would be that much..) and I need to work on some things for our graduation come July.
AND! I need to start writing my important notes in my little notebook that Boyfie bought me. hehe.

So many things to do.. so little time!

The stranger in your bed.

Interesting weekend.
It was calming and tiring at the same time.
Either way, I needed it.
Psycho mode is still on though.
I must say that I still have trouble voicing out some of my thoughts. I suppose most of the time I am just scared of the response I'll get. I do believe that some things are better left unsaid. I'm already neurotic as it is; why add more fuel to the flame, right?

I'm missing Boyfie already.
Feels like a chunk of my heart is lost.
It's annoying how he had made me need him. grr..

My dear dear Boyfie..
Get a haircut!


Looking forward to a relaxing week ahead.

I have you inside of me.

I love Singapore. hehe.
I suppose I should say that I love the person who is in Singapore. Despite the country being known for having a hectic lifestyle (really? hahahha!) but I always feel calm when I'm here.
I love my Boyfie and the calming effects he brings me. ♥
sigh. I have no idea what I'd do without him.. what I'd BE without knowing him.

Okay, I'm in a mushy mode.

Safety exams went alright. It pains me whenever I remember Dida's words to me some time ago. She said that I have the tendency to screw up more the more I try to be perfect.

So I tried getting full marks for my exams.. but I kept making one friggin' mistake on the papers! It's heartbreaking, really. Makes me want to quit trying the next time. (I really should kiss the best student award goodbye. hahahhaha!)
I guess I should be thankful anyway. I didn't exactly study my manual.. and I earned my marks fair and square. Try imagine if I actually READ!! hahahhahaha!!

I'm starting to feel a bit blue that Saturday is ending. I'm making my way back to reality tomorrow and I haven't had enough of Boyfie. I'm pretty glad that there won't be anything stressful going on next week though. No exams (I think) but our in-flight observation thing during the weekend. eep!
I'm excited, but also nervous. What if I only know how to score my papers but I don't really know my way around the plane? ugghh!

I should focus on writing my safety notes next week.
Except that I'm basically not really keen for next week to even start.
hmm.. I really don't know how to take things as they come, apparently.

'Til next time!
I should spend my precious seconds with my guy.