If money grew on trees..

I would have bought that darned boots!
And more books!
Buy more presents..
But I would definitely buy that pair of ankle boots I saw in M&S. gah!
It's only been.. what, 3 days, since I got my paycheck and I've already spent one thousand ringgit! That's right, kids. One freakin' thousand ringgit!
Of course I did use a portion of that money for sensible things like for rent and to give my parents.. but that is only a small portion of one thousand!
It's terrible, really.
I should never be allowed to have any money at all.

Also, I should be banned from going into bookstores.
But I'm happy to have bought Dan Brown's The Lost Symbol (though I said that I'd wait for the paperback to come out.. but I've never been very good with being patient either.) and Stephenie Meyer's Eclipse, finally. The collection is complete! woohoo!

But man.. if only I don't have to think about the future and could spend my money however way I'd like to spend it.
Those boots is a definitely definitely must buy -- though I have no idea when am I actually going to wear it, but I don't care! I LOVE boots!!
And I haven't bought two of Cecelia Ahern's latest books.
Oh! And Mitch Albom has a new book out as well! Dammit!
I can't stop talking about books now.. or stop thinking about boots.
Perhaps I am just as crazy about shoes as every other women on this planet. Because I still need a pair of wedges. HA HA HA HA HA!

I really have no idea how am I going to live 'til the next paycheck. I'd love to have a bit of savings but it seems pretty impossible at the moment. It's sad. I need to pay my school loan, and the money I owe Dida.. estimate how much I am allowed to spend per day..
I'm sleepy.
And I should stop talking about those boots. Maybe I'll yap to monkey-fish once he comes home from work. hohoho! (And hope that he'll tell me to just buy 'em! HAHAHHAHA!)

A wedding, a flower and a karok session!

I really need more sleep.
I went to bed at 6 this morning and Arep called at twelve. We went to Idris' house and waited for him for almost two hours before we actually headed out to Alia and Johanz' wedding.


The wedding went fine.. I think. We got there when most of the people have gone back.. so.. I kinda liked that! (I'm never a big fan of the crowd in weddings.)
Anyway, congrats you two!
Funny how my friends are married and I am nowhere close to being ready for it.

I chatted with some of my old school mates at the wedding (which was a good thing..) -- then some of us decided to go for karaoke!! hahahahha! Nuts. And the say that they do it all the time! hahahahha!

Thank you Incik Arep for bringing me out today. And thank you for singing with me. It was a fun day. (Though what Idris said after that song ended was even funnier!)

Now I'm not looking forward so much to going back to Bukit Jalil. One, because of the work tomorrow, and second, which is actually the main reason.. I hate returning to my dark, lifeless room.
My batteries are low and I need him to recharge me.
Damn distractions. gah!

I never liked numbers..

One day off and I'm in Shah Alam so I could attend Alia and Johanz' wedding.
He got two days off and he went back to his hometown.
mmph.
Don't think I'll see him 'til Sunday night.
Anyway, I'm trying not to care about not being able to see him -- though I hate it. I hate it with PASSION!
But I don't care.

First day back to work was nice enough. I had a good set crew and a pretty cool leading. Miri was just as quiet as I last visited it. meh.
Tiring though.. from lack of sleep. I can never seem to get enough sleep whenever I'm away from home.

Dida said something really interesting earlier. I was saying how we're not very good at communicating. She then said that communicating wasn't the real problem, but it's our egos..
heh. If Dida admits to being egoistical.. I don't know what I am.
hahahahha!

Oh! I got a call from some passenger yesterday morning. He claimed to have been my passenger on my flight from KUL to MYY the previous night. He actually called the HOTEL to get connected to me.
I swear I don't know why these people keep finding me.
I honestly don't mind talking to my passengers. As a matter of fact, it's one of the reasons why I joined the airlines anyway; so I could meet and talk to more people.
But to have somebody whom I have no memory of, call the hotel where I was staying to be connected to me, asking me what's my favourite colour and what I friggin' wear when I sleep is TOO MUCH!
And he claimed to be thirty something and engaged.

Honestly! Where are the reasonable, non-creepy, twenty something strangers gone to?? Can't THEY call me instead??!
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!

Okay. I really need to get some sleep if I want to look half-charming tomorrow afternoon -- but When Harry Met Sally will be on Star Movies in about an hour!! eeep!

I miss you my kera anak ikan patin!

Crap, I miss my monkey-fish!

This is what I get for not sleeping at all through the night.
Too much time in my hands filled with.. not having him around like always.
Yea yeah.. I'm needy. It sucks.
Especially when I go into my crazy mode and push him away instead of holding onto him. ah.. stupid self-preservation. I don't think it'll ever make sense.

Most times I'm not even mad. I simply become.. cold and frigid in the hopes that the fall won't hurt me as bad.
Am I making sense here or I'm just making it even more complicated?
I keep trying to explain myself but I don't think it's getting any clearer.

Now I'm wondering if I should even talk about him in here. Suppose he's always been really private about himself. Kinda. He talks a lot, honestly. But he also listens a lot.. which I love. And the crazy things he does like getting on one knee in the middle of a mall just to see me freak out. And he talks a lot.. I swear, sometimes it is as if he won't shut up. heehee. But on the rare occasions that he quiets down.. I love how we'd just look at each other.
There really is something about seeing my own reflection in his eyes.
But he's nuts. Really. To the point that I get tempted to throw a shoe at him so he'd stop acting like a loon. (Oh, I never told him that.)
And sometimes he irritates me so bad when he goes missing. Like when we went shopping and I look away and he's gone.. only 8 minutes later I see him emerge from the dressing room. That really pissed me off. (I never told him that either.)
Basically it's okay if I go missing (it's his fault anyway for saying that he likes to look for me) but I never gave him the okay to go missing! rawrr! I HATE looking for things!

sigh.
I really hate this part. The part where it dawns on me how attached I've become to someone. It sucks. Really really sucks when despite him talking a lot about a lot of things.. I honestly don't know if I've affected him as much.. or even half.. a little..?

hmmph.
I should get some sleep before I start getting psychotic.

Dear Mr. Hasse,

thank you for letting me use your laptop in this mamak place.
Though I don't really have anything to update the world at the moment.
But having your Dell laptop in this noisy Restoran Al Barkath makes me feel.. oh so grateful to be friends with you.
I would say Mimi is lucky to have you.
But then again I am lucky that you and Mimi found each other.

HAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA!

Perhaps I'm unreasonable.

But I don't think you love me for my reasoning.

ughh. I need to learn not to get so frustrated.
This is tiring.

I can be such a psycho sometimes.
That is tiring.

Call me and I won't pick up.

I'm not mad, but sad.

If you don't want me.. I won't give you the chance to leave me.
I won't be there to listen to what ever you're going to tell me.
I'm a runner.
I run.

It's self preservation.
I won't know how to pick myself up when I fall. Not immediately anyway.
So pardon me for building the wall around me.

I'm not mad, but sad.
And I'm trying so hard not to let that pull me down.
So believe that I'm mad, not sad.

The thing about being in love with the sun.

..You feel bad for being the dark cloud that looms around in the sky.
The one who holds back the sun's brilliance.
The sun isn't responsible for the dark. And it isn't his fault that the cloud was simply made to be the way that she is.

Perhaps the wind should just blow her away to some other land and let the sun shine.

Danger.

Wish I could stop thinking of things that would worry myself sometimes.

I had one of my psychotic moods last night and sat in the living room, trying to write in my Moleskine. DD had to come over and completely distract me from writing (darkly, I might add) and changed my mood altogether.

But I suppose he saw what I was writing because he asked;
"Are we happy?"
hmm.. hard to answer since it's never been easy to associate the word "happy" with "Wanie" -- even though they rhymed. Sort of.

Yepp. I believe years and years of self-doubt and self-inflicting pain (of the mental kind) has turned me into a psycho-lady who can't even tell whether she's happy or not.
I really feel sorry for the men who stuck by me.. constantly trying to please me when I keep taking and taking and not giving anything back.
I am a psycho-COW.

But thank you.. gentlemen.
You have always been that.. gentle, towards me. And I can't and wouldn't stop thanking you for that. You have guts. Your patience is astounding.
I am of no worth and yet you persisted. So, thank you.

Anyway, I smoked in front of Mama for the first time today. I felt dirty for that but at the same time I had to laugh. Instead of nagging at me to quit smoking, her advice was; "Don't inhale the smoke so deep.. it's bad for your health."
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!!
God, it's times like that when I am SO grateful that I'm related to the people I am related to!

Okay, I should go off and chill. Tomorrow morning begins my 5-days working madness, which starts off with a 4-sector flight, Bangalore flight on Monday and the EVIL Labuan 5-sector-up nightstop on Wednesday.
'Til next time then..

Happy Eid-ul Fitr!

I am not my sisters.

Which is bad for the people around me really.

My old man keeps forgetting this little fact though. It's sad. I am not as needy or clingy.. I didn't need him to wait for me during my interviews.. I didn't need him to go into the doctor's room with me and I sure as hell didn't need him to come pick me up 'cause I can find my way home just fine.

He thinks HE'S egoistical.
Well, he obviously doesn't know me well enough.
hahahhahahahahha!!
Well, I don't like to think of myself as egoistical though.. Call me proud. hahahha!

So anyway, I'm in Shah Alam. But I don't think I'll be here much too often after this. It's way too much hassle to get here and if I needed to do my laundry, I believe it would be cheaper to just send it to a laundry-store.
Weird, I know.. but it took me 2 hours and RM 18 for me to get from Bukit Jalil to Shah Alam! eeps! I should use my money smarter, is all I'm saying..

Split duty in Kuantan tomorrow.. I've heard so many good things about the hotel.. I'm looking forward to this one. (Not too excited about another flight to BKI on Sunday though.)

Oh, DD.. If you're reading this.. I miss you!

Going home.

My wake up call will be in an hour and half. hahahhaha! (Wake up call at 5pm.. tickles me everytime.)
I need to be in the lobby 10 minutes before five. My flight is at 7:15.. Scheduled time of arrival is 9:40pm. I should arrive home around 11pm -- if I get a transport back immediately, which I hope I would.
I wanna go home, I wanna go hoooome!!

And then, two days off!
Thank you, God!

Nothing much to write. I should get a nap or something. hahahha! (Like I actually would.)

Jauh.

hmm.. yeah.. I never liked distance for too long of time.

I upset myself on the flight back from Hong Kong today. I was cheering to my crews how we're going home.. until I remembered that we weren't actually going home, just to our hotel rooms. bleh.
Ah well.. two more days of this and I'll be home with two days off. Though I'll only see DD for a few hours as he'll start his trip the day after I get back, but I'll take it!

I ran out of things to do here. I even did a bit of laundry in the sink. (The sink is big, I'm telling you -- I LOVE IT!) I miss the comforts of my messy room.
Of course I love that everytime I came back to my hotel room, the bed will be made and the clothes that I tossed on the bed will be magically folded nicely.. but I really miss the apartment. (And my housemates!)
But even if I'm there right now Mimi and Murni won't be there as they are on their trips.

gah! I'm still talking about work here, aren't I?

Nothing much to talk about "life" honestly.
I like the fact that I'm making my own money instead of depending on my charm to get something that I want. I don't feel so worthless and sneaky, in a way.
But I'm having a hard time saving up.. though that's always been a problem of mine.

I do feel like my brain is failing me for lack of things to think about.. and write about. I don't like that. But at least my psychotic bursts have gone lesser now. (Right?)
I like to think that I'm in a good place now.

In BKI again.

I really like Kota Kinabalu.
I love the fact that I keep bumping into people that I know. (Who then introduces me to the people that they know.)
And I'm absolutely in love with the fact that the hotel is close by to EVERYTHING! The jetty (should I wish to hop on a boat to the islands -- which I don't really since I've been to the islands in April,) a mall/complex, a good eating place, 7-Eleven, Burger King and also KFC. hahahha!

I feel.. free, here. I feel comfortable, even, to walk around by myself, as I did earlier.. like this is MY place.
But I believe that I won't love here so much by the end of my trip; for lack of new things to do. hahahha!
I NEED TO MEET MORE PEOPLE!!
Ah well, Mimi's flying here tomorrow so I suppose I'll be hanging out with her tomorrow night.

I know I'm starting to sound really boring..
All I ever talk about these days is work.. or related to work.. or people that I work with.. blah.
So I'm stopping now and hopefully I'll find something interesting to share tomorrow.

Take care, everyone!
Have a good night.

Rhetoric.

Am I not worth the fight?

oh sigh.
I need to write a long letter. Probably when I'm on my 5-days work/trip in Sabah. (Basically for the 5 days I'll be based in KK and fly around.. sleep in a hotel instead of coming back home.)

Been moody these past few days.
DD's been making me crazy.. but not in the good kind. Being moody just doesn't help, honestly. Certain moments I feel like I'm going further and further away to a point where it seems like I might end up alone and bitter when I'm old.
ughh. I really should get a start on that letter.

Focusing on the good now;
the other day I came home to a quest from DD who'd left a note for me to find a red box in my room. (It wasn't hard.) I found the box, and in it was a RED Moleskine! woohoo!! I've always wanted a red Moleskine! ♥
But now I'm having a hard time to actually start writing in it. hahahha!

Nothing much to tell really. I'm finally feeling the tiredness from working. The work itself isn't so tiring, but the fact that I worked for 3 days then one day off then work for another day and today is another day off and tomorrow I'll be working, and there'll be one day off and then 3 days of work.
ughh! nuts.
I need more than just one day off.
I'm getting tired and it's leading me to become moody and distant from my own boyfriend.

APAKAH?!
This isn't the life I intended to live.
This isn't how I wanted to feel.
So.. I NEED MY REST!!

Insatiable.

eh. One day off and then Bangkok and Sibu nightstop.
Not really looking forward to those. Especially now when I'm really sleepy and tomorrow's pick up is at 6am.
(But I enjoy my job, honestly.)

DD's away on a nightstop.. so I'm here in Shah Alam with my family.
Not before I got harassed and groped while on the train, unfortunately.

I was from Midvalley to Central and this.. pervert (which was short that I thought he was a BOY!) pressed his member on my bum. Well, the train was packed and I took not much notice about it (except that his penis was small.. I mean, really.. while he was pressing himself against me, THAT was what I was thinking) and decided to ignore it.
But when the train arrived at Central, and as I walked out, he reached out his hand and grabbed my left BREAST. Okayy! Serious harassment here and I was so shocked that my only response was several elbowing on his chest.. but seriously.. I walked out of the train shaking. Not with shock, not with fear.. but with RAGE.
I shall have nightmares about this -- of how I should've dragged the collar of his neck outside the train and smash his face to the wall and kick his pathetic penis. I should've maimed him. Damn my slow brain.

Damn that bloody pervert. Short.. and short. HAHAHAHHAH!
See.. I told you I laugh at inappropriate things. hahahhaha!
And people tell me to be careful with my passengers once I start working. hahahahhaha!

Anyway, the lesson for the day is that I need to learn to not get shocked so I can smash people's face and private parts when the time calls for it.
hahhahaha!

Have a good weekend, everyone!

Hello!

Have a good Ramadhan to those who celebrates it!

I shall try to not skip any days despite of having to work.
Key word here; TRY.
hehe.


Take care, boys and girls!

ps: My roster for next month is mental!! You shall find me curled up in a ball, crying myself to sleep at the end of September for having to work 5 days straight.

Okay.

So let me tell you about Monday.
I woke up early to send DD off downstairs, then when I went back up Mimi was already awake so we hung out.. had a few smokes.. yap about work and guessing if we'd get called-up during our standby. Then Botak came out of his room and hung out with us..
Then Mimi went to her room to get ready so she could go back to her parents', Botak went back into his room to finish a novel.. I decided to write a rather psychotic letter.. and basically that's how I spent the morning that day.
Until about 3 when I decided that I should take a nap.

While I was sleeping, I dreamt that I was in the terminal.. looking for my aircraft to Penang. Knowing that I have work to do.
I got tired of looking around and thinking Penang.. Penang.. Penang.. so I woke up, the time was 5:30 pm.. decided that I should take a shower since DD should be on the way home. Done with shower in 20 minutes.. put my lazy-clothes on.. combed my hair.. fussed over the clothes that was in a mess on the floor..
And my phone rang.

Caller ID: Duty Exec NB.
ha!
The dude tells me that I have a layover in Penang.
See.. I'm telling you.. my dreams have impeccable instincts. (What does that tell you? When I need to be asleep to be RIGHT. hahahaha!)

I actually love split duties. The load isn't very full.. I get to sleep in a BED.. steal hotel's stationery and laundry bags. (I have no crazy over toiletries..) I guess since I'm still new, I haven't been to any same hotels so everything is still exciting! (Even though they are all starting to look just the same.)

In other news, I've been getting random followers on Twitter. I don't mind them so much.. until they ask me silly questions. Like this one guy who asked me where in Shah Alam do I live in.. then when I answered, he asked me where that is.
Really.. if you don't really know Shah Alam.. or ANY place for that matter, it's kinda lame to be asking for specifics.
(The right way to respond is to say or ask, "is it near... yada yada?" Even if you get it wrong, it would make you seem like you know a bit of the place instead of just asking some question, trying to make some lame conversation -- which I HATE.)

hmm.. I've been hoping to see next month's roster but turns out it isn't published yet. ughh.
And six more days 'til pay day. Double ughhh!
Going to BKI on Friday and will be spending the first Ramadhan on the plane. I hope I'll be able to fast this whole Ramadhan without being tempted too badly. hahahha!

Anyway, I should go get my shower now. Going out with my dad to pick up the kiddies and meeting up the rest of the family at Tony Roma's!
yayy! Good fooood!!
I need it.

Oh! Jakarta was fine btw. I had a good Leading which had made me pretty calm during the whole trip/flight. Nothing much to tell though.

2 off days.

Home in Shah Alam after one whole week away.
I missed the internet.. Needed to do the mountain of laundry.. Missed talking to my sister and hanging out with my dad. (Just saw my mom on Friday.)

I'm really pooped after my split duty in Penang. 3 days on stand-by and I got called-up on the last day. Then when I was there I couldn't fall asleep so yeah.. I'm so pooped that I was told that I snored while I napped earlier.
So not cute.

Nothing much to tell.
I think I'm just too tired to even think of what to write.. so I'll get back to this when I get my brain back.

SD in SIN

Hotel room is fine.
And there's a crew lounge here.. so waheyy!
IN - TER - NET!!
hahahhaha! And here being Singapore.. the connection is NOTHING like the lounge in Miri! hahhahaha!

Nothing much to do, honestly. Nothing's good on telly. I missed the Charity Shield but thank you Encem for letting me know the results.
So here I am.. wishing that there were something else that I could surf around (but there isn't anything that I want to look up!) other than Facebook and.. well, typing this out.

I had a horrible flight the other day.
Like really.. horrible.
One where I almost cried.
I don't really want to talk about it since I've been bragging how "once you get off the aircraft, you'll forget about everything!"
So if I actually write about the whole incident, it'll defeat the whole "forget about everything" thing.
So I'm trying to forget about it. (yes, this one requires some effort to forget.)
I just need to note here that sometimes.. Just sometimes.. it sucks to work with people who don't know you.

Oh! Now I remember that I drew water for the bathtub.
Guess I have something to do after all..
Wish I had something wise to share with you, but I have none. I'm supposed to "wake up" in about 2 hours. bleh.
I'm looking forward to going back home in the morning. Then I get the rest of the day to relax, and the next day off! whee!

And then.. JA-KAR-TA!
Hope it'll be a good trip.
'Til next time, boys and girls.. take care!