It's 12:20.

Since Bestie haven't mentioned it yet, he's officially moved into the building where I live now in Bukit Jalil. woohooo! Distractionsss! hahahhahaha
Unfortunately, I haven't got the chance to fuss around in his new room as I am still in Seremban.. praying that my full health will return to me soon.

I need to start planning my expenses real smartly. Especially since I wasn't flying much last month (which result in a huge dent to my account) and this month.. and also next month! Good God, life isn't about money.. so I hate it when I need to think about it.

Damn, I need a bit change around my life!
Okay.. well.. that's actually a translation for "I need more money so I could get a Blackberry!" or "When am I ever going to buy a laptop?!"
hahhahaha!
I hate that I keep thinking about things that I want (but don't need) but out of rationalization, I put it off again and again. hahahahha! Of course, out of rationalization.. I shouldn't be complaining since it's for the best, but damn! I'd like to splurge like a FEMALE sometimes!
HAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA! And I hate thinking about the same things again and again!

Okay okay. I think I've rant enough for the time being.
But I do need some change around my life.
I'm not sure how.. but I want it anyway.
Suppose I'll figure it out eventually..

In Seremban.

I think I'm feeling better..
But I'm pretty woozy at the moment, so what do I know?

I had MY FATHER called the clinic earlier to get me another mc for today but the person on the other line/doctor needed me to come in to be examined again for me to get it. Oh heck.
So I had spent the day nervously hoping that the D.O. (duty officer) wouldn't call me -- and thankfully they didn't!
I don't know what I would have done if they did. Use my charm (?) to get them to call someone else perhaps. If that didn't work then I would just have to go to work and pretend that I'm fine.
Not exactly hard, since that's what I'm paid for. Kinda..
hahahhaha!

So I'm still in Seremban.. and Encem's in Kuantan.. sigh.
Good thing I didn't get called up. I would be pretty upset if I come home to my empty room right now.
Off day tomorrow and a layover the day after, which means I can get home whenever I like to. HA - HA - HA - HA!!
God, I hope my dizziness would be gone by then.
Though I said that I'm paid to pretend that I'm fine.. I suppose the company pays me too much, cause I'm a bad pretender. hahahahhaha!

Oh, it seems like I've been thinking a bit about the future lately.
Of how I'd like it to be.
I blame the dizziness.
I refuse to think about the future in general. It would nudge me to hope, and eventually saddens me. (Pessimistic, of course.)
And while I was walking around the mall with my family, looking at home appliances.. I thought of him. haha! I love playing house with him, I can't deny that.

Anyway, I need to distract myself some..

Rindunyaaaaaaa!!!

Damn, I miss him.
I hate that he's flying right now.
Damn Bangalore!
I also hate that I'm sick and all I want right now is ATTENTION but I'm not getting it!
*cries*
Okay, I'm not actually crying, but I DO feel like crying.
sigh. I really.. REALLY hate the fact that I can't talk to him.
Really really hate.

Oh, I'm still pretty sick. My sisters reckon that I need to see the doctor again tomorrow and get another mc.
Noooooooooooooooooo!!!

My first mc..

ughh.. I hate that I'm sick during standby.
I'm not even sure if I needed the mc to begin with! But I had to get it anyway JUST IN CASE the duty officer calls me to work.
Damn it! My mc will be on my record!
That sucks the most..

Anyway, I'm sweating like a pig at the moment. I suppose that's good. I hope that I'll get better tomorrow or the duty officer doesn't call me as tomorrow will be my last day on standby.

Damn, I really hate being on standby!!

Anyway, my family are preparing to head to Seremban. Celebrating Aidiladha there.. or something.
But honestly, all I feel like doing right now is NOT sweat and sleep all day.. and not move an inch.. at all.

I miss my Bollywood-crew.

In Shah Alam.

But I really should get a shower so I could head back to Bukit Jalil, honestly.

Bestie asked me last night if my life truly depends on monkey-fish now. I must admit.. my satellite does revolve around his world.
But to say that I depend on him.. perhaps not. (Or maybe I'm just in denial?)

It's not like I MUST have him around to be happy.
I am naturally too easily distracted to depend on any one sole thing or person, really. Actually, sometimes I feel like I want him to feel like he could depend on me.
Also, in a way I'd like to believe that I am a dependable human being.
I know I wasn't made that way.. but I try.

But yes, I am one of those needy girls who clings to her boyfriend too much sometimes.
I guess in my heart and thoughts.. if you could BE together, why AREN'T you together? So I spend all the time I could spend with him, being with him. (But of course, then feeling hurt when he decided to be someplace else instead of being with me.)

If equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me.

W.H. Auden

Ah.. I curse Auden for cementing that quote onto my head.

It's never a fun thing to be the more loving one.
It's a recipe for major heartache, honestly.

But yeah.. back to the main point.
Do I NEED him?
I'd like to think NOT. hahahhahaha! I mean, if I do.. I would be okay with every little thing that he does, right? But I'm not really okay with EVERYTHING! (I'd like to think that it makes sense, anyway.)

Oh heck, think I should take my shower now.
Even if I don't really need my monkey-fish, I can still miss him!

In BKI.

And missing him.
Just saw next month's roster and I don't think I have anything much to complain about.. except maybe that I'm rostered for SBW -- AGAIN!!!
ughh.. seriously. Why do those rostering people keep sending me to SBW.

Anyway, I'm pooped.
I really should head to bed soon since I really.. really need it.
Today's flight wasn't so bad but the long hours.. sigh.

I'm happy that I'll be home by tomorrow evening.
I miss my bed.. and my room.. I miss my scented candles.. hahahha!

Nothing much to write today.
Nothing eventful happened, so really.. I have nothing to write.
So, 'til next time dear readers.. Have a good weekend!
I'm really looking forward to my two days off. heehee.

In KCH.

3 days trip..
Started off with paxing to Kuching.. which is basically a waste of time. But considering that we'll (myself and 4 other of my crew) be having a long day tomorrow.. it's understandable why the company didn't make us work today.

I'm already missing home.
The contents of home to be more precise.
Fortunately we bumped into each other in the terminal this morning. That soothed a bit of my mood. Plus, my crew seems easy to get along with. That'd help make the whole weekend bearable.
Although I did have trouble recognizing my superior just now as I was walking along the river. hahaha! I'm terrible.

I really should ask one of my crews how to say some things in Chinese for tomorrow's flight to Hong Kong. I really don't feel like flapping my arms around. heehee.

Nothing much to write.
Unfortunately I'm a bit single minded at the moment and I don't suppose it'd be interesting to read about.

Oh! I did spend a whole night with Bestie last night. That was fun. We decided to indulge ourselves; so we tried Italiannies for our first time.. had a smoke at Starbucks (as they were ready to close).. had a drink at Coffee Bean.. watched a movie at The Signature.. then lepak at a mamak in Subang that I end up being sent home at half past five IN THE MORNING! hahahhahahha!
Just enough time for me to pack up my things, take a shower and get ready for my pick up at seven.
Crazy.
Crazy fun!!
Thank you Bestie for distracting me from feeling sorry for myself. I really hate being in my dark room all by myself.
You're awesome, you know that?

Anyway, my set crew is in the next room watching Pandorum so I should join them though I'm not exactly a fan of thrillers.. ick!
Guess I'll catch up with you tomorrow from Kota Kinabalu! *wink!*

O yeah.. Happy Birthday, Ma!

Life in mono.

I wonder why do I keep running away. Why do I push you away?
Maybe I want you to leave me.. One good excuse for me to feel as lonely as I do.

I wish my head would just shut up right now. Or at least that my head and my heart are friends instead of being constant enemies.
My soul isn't having fun, and no amount of cheesecake can save me now.

The chain-smoker in me.

Oh yes, despite saying that I'm cutting down, I am finding myself smoking more and more.
Depending on how my day goes though.
And the past 2 days had been bad.

I honestly don't know why I bothered starting anyway.
Maybe it's a cowardly way of committing suicide. Not that I'm trying to off myself right here, right now. I don't think I'm ready for that -- yet (haha!) but I don't want to live too long either. (Especially not when my heart keeps aching for the stupidest reasons.)

Anyway, before I drag on about the things that I do not wish to drag about, let's yap on things that is in my mind at the mo.
Earlier, the ex-Boyfie (hahahahahha) asked me if I am now single -- assuming that he's been reading my tweet, which had really brought me laughing. Well, I'm not. But I wondered if I was..

I think I'd stay single.
Not that I'm unhappy being with the monkey-fish. Being with anybody isn't really hard for me. (Not since recently anyway.) It's when NOT being with them that drains me the most. And I didn't think that I was.. is this person. The girl who NEEDS to be with a boy.
That's crazy.
And yet couple-hood seems to have changed me.
My neediness upsets me. It's pathetic and ridiculously degrading. (Oh yes, I am hard on myself.)
Feels like ever since I got back on that saddle of couple-hood, my emotions had been on a rampage.

Anyway, you may not want to take my words verbatim. I am writing this out with an upset heart and getting very close to a caffeine crash. And I'm not really that upset anymore. Mostly numb I believe, since I've only had 5 hours of sleep since the past 48 hours.
But I have DEFINITELY been a little stressed lately and I have the proof of a pimple on my chin. I honestly can't remember the last time I had a pimple. ughhh.

Ah well.. I have this two days off and I should be able to catch up on my rest. Take a much needed breather.

By the way, thanks for saving me, Bestie!
"When you're single, you're depressed about not being with someone. When you're with someone, you're depressed about not being with someone else."
hahahahhha! I love us.

Okay. I'm crashing real soon so I should head to bed ASAP.

Same as I ever was.

At least I have pretty nails!

So the last I slept was 30 hours ago..
Of course that's if you don't count the minutes I dozed off in the plane.. or the minutes in my transport back from the airport.. or the little measly minutes while I was in the train to Nina's office.. or the tiny few minutes in Dida's car on the way back to Shah Alam.
Because honestly, they hardly feel like "rest" at all..

My sisters and I had been planning to go to get manicure/pedicure one day and because we wanted it to be a Friday, I suggested TODAY! -- honestly forgetting that I wasn't doing a split duty (where I go out on the last flight out, check into a hotel, then travel back on the first flight in) but a straight flight to and fro Hyderabad (4 hours flight time!) and to only touch down at 8am. Which means that I have to get myself ready as soon as I reach home so I could get to KL by 12.

Which I did.
So now I'm perfectly disoriented.. with my brain somewhere floating in the universe.. because really, I'm too old for staying up too long.
Ah well.. at least I have pretty nails!
And I've done my laundry!
So I could get back to Bukit Jalil, forget to hang my clothes to dry and plop in my bed until tomorrow afternoon -- which will be an OFF DAY! heehee

If money grew on trees..

I would have bought that darned boots!
And more books!
Buy more presents..
But I would definitely buy that pair of ankle boots I saw in M&S. gah!
It's only been.. what, 3 days, since I got my paycheck and I've already spent one thousand ringgit! That's right, kids. One freakin' thousand ringgit!
Of course I did use a portion of that money for sensible things like for rent and to give my parents.. but that is only a small portion of one thousand!
It's terrible, really.
I should never be allowed to have any money at all.

Also, I should be banned from going into bookstores.
But I'm happy to have bought Dan Brown's The Lost Symbol (though I said that I'd wait for the paperback to come out.. but I've never been very good with being patient either.) and Stephenie Meyer's Eclipse, finally. The collection is complete! woohoo!

But man.. if only I don't have to think about the future and could spend my money however way I'd like to spend it.
Those boots is a definitely definitely must buy -- though I have no idea when am I actually going to wear it, but I don't care! I LOVE boots!!
And I haven't bought two of Cecelia Ahern's latest books.
Oh! And Mitch Albom has a new book out as well! Dammit!
I can't stop talking about books now.. or stop thinking about boots.
Perhaps I am just as crazy about shoes as every other women on this planet. Because I still need a pair of wedges. HA HA HA HA HA!

I really have no idea how am I going to live 'til the next paycheck. I'd love to have a bit of savings but it seems pretty impossible at the moment. It's sad. I need to pay my school loan, and the money I owe Dida.. estimate how much I am allowed to spend per day..
I'm sleepy.
And I should stop talking about those boots. Maybe I'll yap to monkey-fish once he comes home from work. hohoho! (And hope that he'll tell me to just buy 'em! HAHAHHAHA!)

A wedding, a flower and a karok session!

I really need more sleep.
I went to bed at 6 this morning and Arep called at twelve. We went to Idris' house and waited for him for almost two hours before we actually headed out to Alia and Johanz' wedding.


The wedding went fine.. I think. We got there when most of the people have gone back.. so.. I kinda liked that! (I'm never a big fan of the crowd in weddings.)
Anyway, congrats you two!
Funny how my friends are married and I am nowhere close to being ready for it.

I chatted with some of my old school mates at the wedding (which was a good thing..) -- then some of us decided to go for karaoke!! hahahahha! Nuts. And the say that they do it all the time! hahahahha!

Thank you Incik Arep for bringing me out today. And thank you for singing with me. It was a fun day. (Though what Idris said after that song ended was even funnier!)

Now I'm not looking forward so much to going back to Bukit Jalil. One, because of the work tomorrow, and second, which is actually the main reason.. I hate returning to my dark, lifeless room.
My batteries are low and I need him to recharge me.
Damn distractions. gah!

I never liked numbers..

One day off and I'm in Shah Alam so I could attend Alia and Johanz' wedding.
He got two days off and he went back to his hometown.
mmph.
Don't think I'll see him 'til Sunday night.
Anyway, I'm trying not to care about not being able to see him -- though I hate it. I hate it with PASSION!
But I don't care.

First day back to work was nice enough. I had a good set crew and a pretty cool leading. Miri was just as quiet as I last visited it. meh.
Tiring though.. from lack of sleep. I can never seem to get enough sleep whenever I'm away from home.

Dida said something really interesting earlier. I was saying how we're not very good at communicating. She then said that communicating wasn't the real problem, but it's our egos..
heh. If Dida admits to being egoistical.. I don't know what I am.
hahahahha!

Oh! I got a call from some passenger yesterday morning. He claimed to have been my passenger on my flight from KUL to MYY the previous night. He actually called the HOTEL to get connected to me.
I swear I don't know why these people keep finding me.
I honestly don't mind talking to my passengers. As a matter of fact, it's one of the reasons why I joined the airlines anyway; so I could meet and talk to more people.
But to have somebody whom I have no memory of, call the hotel where I was staying to be connected to me, asking me what's my favourite colour and what I friggin' wear when I sleep is TOO MUCH!
And he claimed to be thirty something and engaged.

Honestly! Where are the reasonable, non-creepy, twenty something strangers gone to?? Can't THEY call me instead??!
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!

Okay. I really need to get some sleep if I want to look half-charming tomorrow afternoon -- but When Harry Met Sally will be on Star Movies in about an hour!! eeep!

I miss you my kera anak ikan patin!

Crap, I miss my monkey-fish!

This is what I get for not sleeping at all through the night.
Too much time in my hands filled with.. not having him around like always.
Yea yeah.. I'm needy. It sucks.
Especially when I go into my crazy mode and push him away instead of holding onto him. ah.. stupid self-preservation. I don't think it'll ever make sense.

Most times I'm not even mad. I simply become.. cold and frigid in the hopes that the fall won't hurt me as bad.
Am I making sense here or I'm just making it even more complicated?
I keep trying to explain myself but I don't think it's getting any clearer.

Now I'm wondering if I should even talk about him in here. Suppose he's always been really private about himself. Kinda. He talks a lot, honestly. But he also listens a lot.. which I love. And the crazy things he does like getting on one knee in the middle of a mall just to see me freak out. And he talks a lot.. I swear, sometimes it is as if he won't shut up. heehee. But on the rare occasions that he quiets down.. I love how we'd just look at each other.
There really is something about seeing my own reflection in his eyes.
But he's nuts. Really. To the point that I get tempted to throw a shoe at him so he'd stop acting like a loon. (Oh, I never told him that.)
And sometimes he irritates me so bad when he goes missing. Like when we went shopping and I look away and he's gone.. only 8 minutes later I see him emerge from the dressing room. That really pissed me off. (I never told him that either.)
Basically it's okay if I go missing (it's his fault anyway for saying that he likes to look for me) but I never gave him the okay to go missing! rawrr! I HATE looking for things!

sigh.
I really hate this part. The part where it dawns on me how attached I've become to someone. It sucks. Really really sucks when despite him talking a lot about a lot of things.. I honestly don't know if I've affected him as much.. or even half.. a little..?

hmmph.
I should get some sleep before I start getting psychotic.

Dear Mr. Hasse,

thank you for letting me use your laptop in this mamak place.
Though I don't really have anything to update the world at the moment.
But having your Dell laptop in this noisy Restoran Al Barkath makes me feel.. oh so grateful to be friends with you.
I would say Mimi is lucky to have you.
But then again I am lucky that you and Mimi found each other.

HAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA!

Perhaps I'm unreasonable.

But I don't think you love me for my reasoning.

ughh. I need to learn not to get so frustrated.
This is tiring.

I can be such a psycho sometimes.
That is tiring.

Call me and I won't pick up.

I'm not mad, but sad.

If you don't want me.. I won't give you the chance to leave me.
I won't be there to listen to what ever you're going to tell me.
I'm a runner.
I run.

It's self preservation.
I won't know how to pick myself up when I fall. Not immediately anyway.
So pardon me for building the wall around me.

I'm not mad, but sad.
And I'm trying so hard not to let that pull me down.
So believe that I'm mad, not sad.

The thing about being in love with the sun.

..You feel bad for being the dark cloud that looms around in the sky.
The one who holds back the sun's brilliance.
The sun isn't responsible for the dark. And it isn't his fault that the cloud was simply made to be the way that she is.

Perhaps the wind should just blow her away to some other land and let the sun shine.

Danger.

Wish I could stop thinking of things that would worry myself sometimes.

I had one of my psychotic moods last night and sat in the living room, trying to write in my Moleskine. DD had to come over and completely distract me from writing (darkly, I might add) and changed my mood altogether.

But I suppose he saw what I was writing because he asked;
"Are we happy?"
hmm.. hard to answer since it's never been easy to associate the word "happy" with "Wanie" -- even though they rhymed. Sort of.

Yepp. I believe years and years of self-doubt and self-inflicting pain (of the mental kind) has turned me into a psycho-lady who can't even tell whether she's happy or not.
I really feel sorry for the men who stuck by me.. constantly trying to please me when I keep taking and taking and not giving anything back.
I am a psycho-COW.

But thank you.. gentlemen.
You have always been that.. gentle, towards me. And I can't and wouldn't stop thanking you for that. You have guts. Your patience is astounding.
I am of no worth and yet you persisted. So, thank you.

Anyway, I smoked in front of Mama for the first time today. I felt dirty for that but at the same time I had to laugh. Instead of nagging at me to quit smoking, her advice was; "Don't inhale the smoke so deep.. it's bad for your health."
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!!
God, it's times like that when I am SO grateful that I'm related to the people I am related to!

Okay, I should go off and chill. Tomorrow morning begins my 5-days working madness, which starts off with a 4-sector flight, Bangalore flight on Monday and the EVIL Labuan 5-sector-up nightstop on Wednesday.
'Til next time then..