New Year.

You know, I always wonder if I actually love reading The Alchemist.
I think I have a love/hate relationship with that book.
To be honest, I used to HATE it. All that crap about "personal legend".. it made me feel so lonely.. and empty. Living life with no purpose.. Not knowing what's my next step going to be; whether it will be for the better or lead me into an even deeper shithole.. but either way, I needed to take that step.

And a step I took.
I had a dream and I took a step last year.
It brought me another wave of depression but it made me determined to give it another go in January. And the result, I now have a job. One that I couldn't possibly hate. One that has all the criteria that should make me stick to it as it involves travelling, meeting different people and not having to sit at the same ole' desk from nine to five every single day.

I feel slightly guilty that I am no longer with the person whom had moved me to take that very step. He was on my resolution this year. Which is probably why I am not really ready for the new year. Feels like I'm leaving behind one of the best parts of my life.
I never had anyone whom had moved me so.. to that very point where I actually picked myself up and DO something so my path would change.
Change it did.. and I did too..

Anyway.. it had felt as if I changed a lot this year.
Quarter-life crisis, I'd say. hahahha!
I didn't get my Louboutin's shoes when I turned 25.. ah well.. Not that it's easily available around KL anyway. So that's my excuse. haha!
I'm glad that at least there's some movement in my life at the moment.
As for a new year's resolution, I can honestly say that I haven't had a single thought about what's it going to be just yet.

Getting married, maybe? HAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAH!!
God.. maybe engaged first. Although I'm not even into that whole thing. I'd like it western-style, gimme a diamond ring and we're set! HAHAHHAHAHAHHAH!!
shit. I'll save this for 2011.

As for this year's resolution.. this year.. this year...
I'll update you when I have some.

Counting the days.

Just a couple more 'til 2010.
I dunno..
I don't think I'm ready for a new year just yet.




So I think I'll save my thoughts until I am ready :P

I don't want to care.

ughhh..
I have no idea why it is SO damn easy for my feelings to get hurt these days.
It's crazy.
How can anyone live this way??
I hate the person I've become.. and I don't even like myself much to begin with!
It feels like.. EVERYTHING matters. I take EVERYTHING personally. Which at the end of the day hurts me like hell.

What's the freakin' point?!
Stupid stupid stupid.
I'm acting like a complete fool again.

I HATE YOU, ME!!!

If I understand myself correctly.. the only way I can be calm is to NOT CARE.
But if I don't care at all, it'd be wrong.
So how can I give a little crap, than a whole lot of crap? Can somebody teach me? 'Coz I really don't know how.
It's not fun being an "extremist". Not knowing when to give things a rest because your heart and mind are too focused on that one sole thing.
It's tiring.. and pathetic. But most of all, it's driving me insane.
I never knew that I was this person.
I don't want to be needy but time and time again it seems like I'm nothing BUT needy.

ughhhhhh!!!

Anyway, I'm in Shah Alam trying to let my mind wander and be distracted.
I need distractions badly. So badly, I could beg for it.
But obviously, I'm failing at this moment.
Which SUCKS!

In LBU.

Woke up on the wrong side of the bed yesterday..
Naturally, I spent most of the time we had being cranky and now I'm feeling sorry 'coz he's in BKI for the next 3 days.
hmmph!

I really should be in control of my own freakin' mood..

Anyway, I should put away my laptop now.
Less than 15 minutes 'til check-out!

In SIN.

Layover.
In crew lounge.
Was hoping that I could go online from my room but the wi-fi is only available in public areas and if I use the cable, the rate is S$29 per day.
ughhh! No thanks!

Earlier I exchanged some money at the airport but I suppose you could say that it was for nothing.
No -- it's for wasting my effort really.
I REFUSE to spend 29 (times 2.4) for a couple hours of internet.. and I couldn't choose on anything I'd like to try from the room service. I dunno. Maybe I should close my eyes and point to the desserts at random.

Anyway, I'd hate to admit this but I am rather disappointed.
That's twice.
I guess when things aren't meant to be.. they really are NOT MEANT TO BE.
I suppose Encem had those weird dreams for nothing. hehe. Guess I'm not the only one who over-thinks sometimes.

Ah well.. I think I'll go back to my room and look over the menu again and see if I really can't decide on anything.
I should probably try to get some sleep too.
After all, I'm the only stewardess on flight so I need to look good for the passengers. HA HA HA HA HA!!
(pretend that I didn't laugh and that I really care about the way I look FOR the passengers.)

Started with a perfect kiss
Then we could feel the poison set in

I'm The Lucky One.

No complaints.. at this very moment. ♥
heehee.

Had the best time with my two favourite boys last night.
Had dinner at Tony Roma's.. Bestie treated me Baskin Robbin's ice-cream cake.. and the previous night DD handed me the ZARA jacket I saw, tried and LOVE about a week ago. ♥

Just about the things that I probably wouldn't get myself really..

Anyway, I'm currently at The Gardens with Nina and Dida.. they took the day off just to hang out.. just the three of us! HAHHAHAHHA.
I have awesome sisters.

In SBW.

Man, I should be sleeping.

No. I should be HOME! ughhh..
But I need the work. Flying is gooood.

Anyway, typically I will be in SBW every month. Only this time, it's more annoying than usual as the departure time kept being pushed back. We should've arrived in Sibu at 9 something but we actually arrived at 12:45 am!!
Bad weather and aircrafts being grounded, so I've heard.
Yesterday was just a bad day to have a flight, honestly. Too many flights were delayed. The crew lounge at the airport was packed and so many cabin crews walking around the terminal.

Felt a bit slow coming back to work after so long of a break.
I miss Encem.
Three days off after I come back from this flight and I've already made plans with my sisters.. yayy!

Nothing much to update.
Oh! My "birthday" blows.
And I received the email I sent myself 3 years ago, which was amusing and a tad upsetting at the same time. ughhh. I'm thinking of sending another email to the future-me but I'm afraid if I'll just end up upsetting myself some more.

Anyway, have a good Sunday everyone!
I really need to try and get some shut eye.

I wish that I wouldn't wish at all.

I am getting old, damnit!!
Sure, perhaps I look just as same.. but inside.. BIOLOGICALLY.. I'm OLDER!!!
shit.
This is so depressing.
This is why I shouldn't be excited about December. My birthday is coming up fast and it feels like I'd be depressed every single year!
This is so messed up.
I should be made to be wanting of nothing.

Santa, forget my list.
Just hand me the coals if you like because I expect nothing more.
No.. to be truth.. I expect NOTHING.
Really. I really reaaaally need to believe that.
Seems like every year I found a reason to cry on my birthday (it's a fact, I just read my archives) because even when I said that I expected nothing.. I LIED.
Which sucks. Big time.

I'll be 25..
And still waiting to grow up.
Somebody should really help me save myself from December.
'D' stands for DEPRESSED. ughhh!!

Pascal, in one of his gloomier pensées, gave it as his opinion that all our miseries stemmed from a single cause: our inability to remain quietly in a room.
Why, he asked, must a man with sufficient to live on feel drawn to divert himself on long sea voyages?
To dwell in another town? To go off in search of a peppercorn? Or go off to war and break skulls?
Later, on further reflection, having discovered the cause of our misfortunes, he wished to understand the reason for them, he found one very good reason: namely, the natural unhappiness of our weak mortal condition;
so unhappy that when we gave to it all our attention, nothing could console us.
One thing alone could alleviate our despair, and that was "distraction" (divertissement): yet this was the worst of our misfortunes, for in distraction we were prevented from thinking about ourselves and were gradually brought to ruin.
-- Chatwin.

TGIF

I got my much-needed dose of my sisters this afternoon (yesterday!) and I have no words to describe it except for love.. love.. love.. LOVE!!
I always remember how much I'd laugh when I'm with them and considering I've been extremely irritable lately (more than usual, I mean) I picked up my phone on Thursday and texted Nina and Dida asking them if they had any plans for lunch.
Lucky me, they didn't! heehee

Anyway, I'm in Shah Alam.. did my laundry and went out with an old friend..

I fussed about getting old to him and he talked ENDLESSLY about Star Wars! ughhhhhh!!!
Anyway, I had good food and an overall good time.. so no complains here.
Thanks everyone!

Have a great weekend!

My rage will kill me.

Hullo, from Starbucks, The Mall!

yeah, well.. I honestly prefer Coffee Bean myself but there's only Starbucks here and I wanted the internet. blablabla..

My mom fussed over the fact that I had two days off but I didn't come home to Shah Alam, so I decided to come to KL and see her. Passed Breaking Dawn to Nina as well. My 30 year-old sister is having a crush on Edward to the point where she would mention his name to my brother in-law.. it's incredible.
Even I didn't do that.
Oh, and she's on Team Edward apparently. sigh.
But at least she wasn't mad at Jacob like SOME PEOPLE I know! hahahhaha!

Anyway, my battery's dying soon. And I'm pretty bored sitting here sipping my caramel frap. I can't stop thinking about fish and chips for the past couple of days so I think I'm going to have that for dinner soon.
Have a good week, everyone!
Be safe.

RM25 an hour.

Let's just call today.. a day of excessive spending.

Bestie, Encem and I went to Low Yatt today, and though I hadn't decided on getting myself a laptop today.. I DID. ughhh!
Encem got himself Samsung's 23" screen and an HP printer..
ughhhh!
Seriously.
We're sort of bad together when it comes to spending.
Not that we spend a lot all the time.. but when we actually do spend.. it's a LOT!
Actually, come to think about it, I think he spends more than I do.
mm.. but.. he kinda spends for the "greater good", in a way.. things that the rest of the housemates can make use of.

While the things I spend on.. are usually for myself.
Alone.
hahhahahahhahha!
Anyway, I like my HP Mini. It's awesome on days like this -- when I'm actually in KCH and too lazy to walk to the crew lounge. Honestly, I've lost patience trying to move myself around looking for the wireless.. which explains the RM25 an hour. eeeep!
And I still owe Dida money.
hahhahahhaha!
Damnit Wanie! I really shouldn't be laughing. Which reminds me.. I should've brought along my school loan letter so I could pay some back. ughhh!!

Anyway, at least now I could strike off one of the things I've always wanted. yayy!

Dear Santa,

(Read: Mama, Dida, Encem, awesomely good friends)

I know I haven't been very good through the year, but I also know that I haven't been too naughty either. So please don't give me coals. Give me these instead please;

Laptop
Blackberry
Pretty clothes
Christian Louboutin shoes
Ipod

And my birthday is coming up, so pleaaase..?

Love,
Wanie

It's 12:20.

Since Bestie haven't mentioned it yet, he's officially moved into the building where I live now in Bukit Jalil. woohooo! Distractionsss! hahahhahaha
Unfortunately, I haven't got the chance to fuss around in his new room as I am still in Seremban.. praying that my full health will return to me soon.

I need to start planning my expenses real smartly. Especially since I wasn't flying much last month (which result in a huge dent to my account) and this month.. and also next month! Good God, life isn't about money.. so I hate it when I need to think about it.

Damn, I need a bit change around my life!
Okay.. well.. that's actually a translation for "I need more money so I could get a Blackberry!" or "When am I ever going to buy a laptop?!"
hahhahaha!
I hate that I keep thinking about things that I want (but don't need) but out of rationalization, I put it off again and again. hahahahha! Of course, out of rationalization.. I shouldn't be complaining since it's for the best, but damn! I'd like to splurge like a FEMALE sometimes!
HAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA! And I hate thinking about the same things again and again!

Okay okay. I think I've rant enough for the time being.
But I do need some change around my life.
I'm not sure how.. but I want it anyway.
Suppose I'll figure it out eventually..

In Seremban.

I think I'm feeling better..
But I'm pretty woozy at the moment, so what do I know?

I had MY FATHER called the clinic earlier to get me another mc for today but the person on the other line/doctor needed me to come in to be examined again for me to get it. Oh heck.
So I had spent the day nervously hoping that the D.O. (duty officer) wouldn't call me -- and thankfully they didn't!
I don't know what I would have done if they did. Use my charm (?) to get them to call someone else perhaps. If that didn't work then I would just have to go to work and pretend that I'm fine.
Not exactly hard, since that's what I'm paid for. Kinda..
hahahhaha!

So I'm still in Seremban.. and Encem's in Kuantan.. sigh.
Good thing I didn't get called up. I would be pretty upset if I come home to my empty room right now.
Off day tomorrow and a layover the day after, which means I can get home whenever I like to. HA - HA - HA - HA!!
God, I hope my dizziness would be gone by then.
Though I said that I'm paid to pretend that I'm fine.. I suppose the company pays me too much, cause I'm a bad pretender. hahahahhaha!

Oh, it seems like I've been thinking a bit about the future lately.
Of how I'd like it to be.
I blame the dizziness.
I refuse to think about the future in general. It would nudge me to hope, and eventually saddens me. (Pessimistic, of course.)
And while I was walking around the mall with my family, looking at home appliances.. I thought of him. haha! I love playing house with him, I can't deny that.

Anyway, I need to distract myself some..

Rindunyaaaaaaa!!!

Damn, I miss him.
I hate that he's flying right now.
Damn Bangalore!
I also hate that I'm sick and all I want right now is ATTENTION but I'm not getting it!
*cries*
Okay, I'm not actually crying, but I DO feel like crying.
sigh. I really.. REALLY hate the fact that I can't talk to him.
Really really hate.

Oh, I'm still pretty sick. My sisters reckon that I need to see the doctor again tomorrow and get another mc.
Noooooooooooooooooo!!!

My first mc..

ughh.. I hate that I'm sick during standby.
I'm not even sure if I needed the mc to begin with! But I had to get it anyway JUST IN CASE the duty officer calls me to work.
Damn it! My mc will be on my record!
That sucks the most..

Anyway, I'm sweating like a pig at the moment. I suppose that's good. I hope that I'll get better tomorrow or the duty officer doesn't call me as tomorrow will be my last day on standby.

Damn, I really hate being on standby!!

Anyway, my family are preparing to head to Seremban. Celebrating Aidiladha there.. or something.
But honestly, all I feel like doing right now is NOT sweat and sleep all day.. and not move an inch.. at all.

I miss my Bollywood-crew.

In Shah Alam.

But I really should get a shower so I could head back to Bukit Jalil, honestly.

Bestie asked me last night if my life truly depends on monkey-fish now. I must admit.. my satellite does revolve around his world.
But to say that I depend on him.. perhaps not. (Or maybe I'm just in denial?)

It's not like I MUST have him around to be happy.
I am naturally too easily distracted to depend on any one sole thing or person, really. Actually, sometimes I feel like I want him to feel like he could depend on me.
Also, in a way I'd like to believe that I am a dependable human being.
I know I wasn't made that way.. but I try.

But yes, I am one of those needy girls who clings to her boyfriend too much sometimes.
I guess in my heart and thoughts.. if you could BE together, why AREN'T you together? So I spend all the time I could spend with him, being with him. (But of course, then feeling hurt when he decided to be someplace else instead of being with me.)

If equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me.

W.H. Auden

Ah.. I curse Auden for cementing that quote onto my head.

It's never a fun thing to be the more loving one.
It's a recipe for major heartache, honestly.

But yeah.. back to the main point.
Do I NEED him?
I'd like to think NOT. hahahhahaha! I mean, if I do.. I would be okay with every little thing that he does, right? But I'm not really okay with EVERYTHING! (I'd like to think that it makes sense, anyway.)

Oh heck, think I should take my shower now.
Even if I don't really need my monkey-fish, I can still miss him!

In BKI.

And missing him.
Just saw next month's roster and I don't think I have anything much to complain about.. except maybe that I'm rostered for SBW -- AGAIN!!!
ughh.. seriously. Why do those rostering people keep sending me to SBW.

Anyway, I'm pooped.
I really should head to bed soon since I really.. really need it.
Today's flight wasn't so bad but the long hours.. sigh.

I'm happy that I'll be home by tomorrow evening.
I miss my bed.. and my room.. I miss my scented candles.. hahahha!

Nothing much to write today.
Nothing eventful happened, so really.. I have nothing to write.
So, 'til next time dear readers.. Have a good weekend!
I'm really looking forward to my two days off. heehee.

In KCH.

3 days trip..
Started off with paxing to Kuching.. which is basically a waste of time. But considering that we'll (myself and 4 other of my crew) be having a long day tomorrow.. it's understandable why the company didn't make us work today.

I'm already missing home.
The contents of home to be more precise.
Fortunately we bumped into each other in the terminal this morning. That soothed a bit of my mood. Plus, my crew seems easy to get along with. That'd help make the whole weekend bearable.
Although I did have trouble recognizing my superior just now as I was walking along the river. hahaha! I'm terrible.

I really should ask one of my crews how to say some things in Chinese for tomorrow's flight to Hong Kong. I really don't feel like flapping my arms around. heehee.

Nothing much to write.
Unfortunately I'm a bit single minded at the moment and I don't suppose it'd be interesting to read about.

Oh! I did spend a whole night with Bestie last night. That was fun. We decided to indulge ourselves; so we tried Italiannies for our first time.. had a smoke at Starbucks (as they were ready to close).. had a drink at Coffee Bean.. watched a movie at The Signature.. then lepak at a mamak in Subang that I end up being sent home at half past five IN THE MORNING! hahahhahahha!
Just enough time for me to pack up my things, take a shower and get ready for my pick up at seven.
Crazy.
Crazy fun!!
Thank you Bestie for distracting me from feeling sorry for myself. I really hate being in my dark room all by myself.
You're awesome, you know that?

Anyway, my set crew is in the next room watching Pandorum so I should join them though I'm not exactly a fan of thrillers.. ick!
Guess I'll catch up with you tomorrow from Kota Kinabalu! *wink!*

O yeah.. Happy Birthday, Ma!

Life in mono.

I wonder why do I keep running away. Why do I push you away?
Maybe I want you to leave me.. One good excuse for me to feel as lonely as I do.

I wish my head would just shut up right now. Or at least that my head and my heart are friends instead of being constant enemies.
My soul isn't having fun, and no amount of cheesecake can save me now.