In CMB.

So I'm in Sri Lanka..
Just chilling out with Saravanan and Max in the crew lounge.. They're figuring out words for the scrabble game that we're playing while I'm crapping what ever in front of this screen.

It's been a crazy week -- emotionally. I swear I have no idea what's going on with my heart these days. I suppose I should pity the boyfriend for being the usual victim of the situation. Kinda. Sometimes.
But anyway.. I honestly just noticed how crazy my emotions were when last night I cried watching He's Just Not That Into You.
I mean, SERIOUSLY!!

Anyway, I'm feeling lucky to be able to fly here. Apparently we're pretty much the last set of crew to be nightstopping here since the company will only be doing daily flights to MLE and CMB starting September. And we have two days off here! Talk about being blessed. hehe.
The crews are awesome too! We've got SIX "117s" and the rest are just really really nice seniors. heehee.
Thank you, God.

We're flying back home later tonight.
I'm looking forward to going back home. Then FIVE days off!!
Yippeeeeee!

Ughhhh..

I swear I hate talking about my personal troubles but I am running low on the people whom I can talk to.
This is crap.
My life is turning out to be a massive piece of shit.

Perhaps I'm a lump of shit myself.. If that is so, I shouldn't complain right? I mean, I'm supposedly surrounded by familiar things!

But probably not.. After all, I am the type of person who gets lonely even when I am in a roomful of people.
Perhaps I should get that stamped on my brain; to not be bothered since I'll always be alone.
What's the point of fussing over things that you can't change, anyway?
I'm tired of talking.

But most of all, I am tired of feeling.
I am tired of wanting for things to change. My heart is getting old.. And it's weary of hoping.

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device via Vodafone-Celcom Mobile.

My poor sister..

To have to deal with me while I couldn't contain the tears in my eyes..
I suppose my emotions are going haywire again..

I swear I wish Encem would just rip my heart out already. I'm crazy tired of feeling the same lousy feeling every other day. Am I addicted to misery?? Seriously. I don't think I enjoy crying.. So why am I still in this stupid relationship?

Yes, that's what I think of it today. Stupid. I'm not in love. I'm not even in lust. So I don't know what I am 'in' really.

Ah, fuck it.

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device via Vodafone-Celcom Mobile.

To be speechless.

I am currently in Kota Kinabalu.
Trying to decipher exactly how I'm feeling.. about anything, right now.

Work had been demanding lately. Or perhaps I am just getting old.
It just felt like I need a vacation now or I'll start hating my "job".

Dark days looms in.
Typical.
And I've hated that since a very long time ago.

Hollow in my heart.

I'm tired..
I'm tired of not talking.
But mostly I am tired of talking but not be taken seriously.
Do I need to cry everytime I want to get my point across?

Sigh.
I hate being in limbo.
I hate having an elephant in the middle of the room.
I hate feeling the tension and in no way of solving the problem.

I hate being afraid.
I hate the idea of ending up in the way that I most feared.
I know that I need to talk about this but I can't think of anyone that I can talk to.
I am in a rut. And I am stuck here.

I am.. Clueless.
Hopeless.
But most of all, I am tired. I am so friggin' tired.

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device via Vodafone-Celcom Mobile.

KUL, DXB, BEY, KHI

Four timezones in four days.

I am hating my life.

I feel like I'm in a rut.

First time I felt like committing suicide because of work.

First time I cried in the aircraft's lavatory.

A much needed emotional-Heimlich was rejected.

I'm glad to be back home.. But I'm not sure if I'm actually "happy" about being "home".

Yeah, I still want to die.
Sorry for the emotional rant. Everything just blows, thanks.

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device via Vodafone-Celcom Mobile.

How Maybank changed my life..

HAHHAHAHAHAHA wtf, right?

I've always wanted a credit card.. Well, I wanted a credit card not long after I owned an ATM card (which happened to be when I was fourteen -- pretty young to have one, for a kid from a middle-class family in Malaysia I would say.)
I don't know.. the idea of spending without having the actual money was interesting.

Then I found out about the debts that could befall me.. which made me re-think about "wanting" to have a credit card.
The idea of spending money that I don't actually have became SCARY, to say the least.

So anyway.. I'm not really into accounts or banking.. or even planning, but a few months ago I decided to open a new banking account with Maybank after yeaaarrs of being loyal to CIMB.
Reason to doing so; just because.
I thought that I needed the second account so I would have a place to put away some money to be saved.
HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!
Right.

The thing about Maybank.. once you open an account, they'll give you an ATM card that also works as a DEBIT card.
And voila! A way to spend the money that I already have, without having the actual money in my hands! Plus, I could also set up my account with Paypal so I could shop online!
So THAT'S how Maybank changed my life.
Is it for the better?

Now let's see.. earlier today I deposited some money into that account, and when I came home I logged on to Ebay, and found myself buying TWO Moleskines!
BAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA!!
In my defense though, buying those online are WAY cheaper than buying them from say.. Borders. Seriously. So in a way, I am saving money here! theehee!
Actually I pretty much just found out that a LOT of things are cheaper when you buy them online. I don't know.. maybe because I'm in Malaysia and the shops here just marks up the prices a LOT.

So anyway.. I think I'm addicted to online shopping now.
Suddenly there are more things on my list of "The Things I Want" now..
Oh well, I'm glad that I have a job -- and lucky enough, I only call it a "job" a few times a month. Most of the days I'm just fooling around, really.
I'm thankful for that.

One more thing I am thankful about;
I am veeerry grateful to have a boyfriend who is a good cook!
Thank you, God!

Time for dinner/supper now.

..And all I could do is cry.

Being the youngest child has its perks.
But when you're a semi-depressed youngest child, those perks would turn into a reason to cry in a matter of moments.

Take this for instance..
I am having a mighty heavy heart about going to work with a runny nose later in the morning. My fever is practically gone, but the flu seems to be sticking around for the time being. A little flu sounds really minor to miss work, but when you're flying.. And your nose is blocked.. The pressurised air will press on to your eardrums and would cause a great headache.
I don't know about other people but I would usually have this one vein on my forehead pulsing with pain as the aircraft descends to land.
No amount of Valsalva manoeuvre can save me from this pain.

So I'd been contemplating about taking the taxi from Bukit Jalil to Shah Alam -- so I could go to my clinic, which I know is open 24-hours and is a panel of my company.
Guess my parents weren't too happy with the idea so they are on their way from Seremban (taking care of Nina's family who are down with a fever -- including Dida) to get me to the clinic right now.

I don't like the idea of my dad driving in the night. And I feel so selfish for making them want to fetch me. I should've just left and tell them AFTER I had seen the doctor.
I am not worth the trouble.. really.
So here I sit waiting.. Crying.. Hating the fact that I am still sickly and lonely and needy!!!

UGHHHHH!! I frustrate myself.
I keep trying to be a better person, be independent.. And yet here I am still needing my parents' help.
I am a grown woman, for God's sake!!
I hate this. I really really hate that I still seem so helpless at times.
I hate being sick. I really hate being sick.

I'd like to drop dead right about now, thanks.

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device via Vodafone-Celcom Mobile.

I demand recuperation!

Being in recovery from a high fever made me realize two things;
1. When "I" say that it's a high fever, it really means high-temperature and not just me being dramatic. People actually do get worried when I have a temperature as I would shiver in a room where everyone else would start to sweat, and;
2. I've been working too hard.

HAHHAHAHHAHA!!!
Well, I don't know about the second part but it really does feel like it. I mean, being in the line of job that I'm in, having the amount of off-days that I get.. I should be able to take several getaways, but I haven't!

I am a nature's person and yet, the last time I was lazing at a beach was a year ago! And the last time I had a proper picnic was in 2007!! Seriously...

So this is what I'm thinking of.. As I am lazing in this chair out in the balcony of my hotel room in Miri.. Looking out to the ocean.. With the trees dancing to the sound of the waves while the sun is setting.

I've missed a lot on LIFE. And God, I really missed it.
Sure, not everyone has got the chance to see the stars at their eye level, or the pretty lights of a city from a bird's point of view.. But I only got to see those from the constraints of a tiny window.
I've missed seeing the big picture. I've missed the pure white clouds over the bluest of skies. The breathtaking sounds of the ocean that simply makes you want to do.. Nothing -- but to just sit there quietly.. Listening...


I miss everything.
And I need to have those back in my life.

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device via Vodafone-Celcom Mobile.

A symptom..?

I am having a fever-cough combo here.
I was flipping my medical book yesterday and noticed that ever since I started working, I make an appointment with the doctor almost every three months. (An exception to my previous visit which was a month early.)

I haven't got around to see the doctor this time though. I HATE clinics and hospitals. So.. I'm trying to delay this. Hoping that I'll feel better before I need to see a doctor and in the same time break the 'curse' of getting sick every three months. Kinda.

Also, I'm feeling miserable since Encem is away on a four-days trip, so no one is around to look after me.
I'm sad..
No amount of phonecalls can make me feel better.

I need to renew my passport by the 28th of next month and I couldn't find any passport-sized photos lying around. I refuse to take a new picture while I'm sick!! ughhhh!!
I know this is a bit too much of complaining in one morning. I swear I wasn't trying to be annoying..

Anyway, back to being sick. Is there some kind of a disease where the person would get a fever every three months?
I told you that I was hypochondriacal; so the thought didn't fail to cross my mind.
I know that I didn't create the fever from my mind.. Nothing emotional happened every three months.. So I fear that it could be an underlying sickness that shows the symptoms through a fever every three months!

Hahahahaha!
I swear my thoughts are even more ridiculous when I am sick.

Oh well.. I should try and get more sleep...

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device via Vodafone-Celcom Mobile.

Wa-heyy!

Because we live in a such digital-age..
Thank you Dida for setting this up because I'm simply not as IT-savvy as she is.

I'm bored.
Today is my one day off and I don't feel like going anywhere -- mostly because I am waiting for my package from UPS. (A thought.. I wonder if he'll be wearing the uniform. hmm..)

So anyway..
The UPS guy came!! I have my new toy in my hands now! Yeeehaa!


Oh this reminds me how I used to have a thing called SAVINGS! bahahahhaha!!
Despite living in a digital age, I still adore old-fashioned photography. Which is why I shall use my next pay to get my Nikon SLR cleaned.
I've always wanted an instant camera. I used to wish that I'd find the film for Mama's old Polaroid that we never got around to use, but anyway.. Now I have my own Instax! It's not at all handy but I'm LOVING it!!

So this makes my list of "The Things I Want" a little shorter. Took me YEAAAARRRSS to struck this one out. (As you could see for yourself, I've been editing my pics on Photoshop so it'd look like it's from an instant camera since February 2008!! hahahha!)
I wish Encem had the day off too so we could walk around and play with the camera. sigh.. Next time I guess. Bestie should come along too!

Oh I'm peckish.
Think I'll go down to 7-Eleven and get something. *giggle*

That suicidal feeling..

Or perhaps the intense regret.
The deep, deep desire to turn back the time and forget my need say what I 'needed' to say when what I needed the most is to learn to keep things bottled in.

What was I trying to achieve by saying what ever it was that crossed my mind anyway?
Funny how I knew what would happen, ignored it, and felt surprised when it turned out exactly how I'd thought it would.

I swear, sometimes I am just plain stupid.

I am in a dark place now.
So just leave me alone.

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device via Vodafone-Celcom Mobile.

I am trying..

Sometimes I caught myself thinking about other guys.. And wonder.
Isn't that... Wrong?

Sure, I can't expect anyone to be perfect when I am nowhere close to perfection myself.
But..

I am sad..
I am always sad around this time of the month.
Time and time again I've reminded my guy to love me more when I am feeling sad, but I suppose that may be a little too much of a thing to do.

I feel like disappearing.
To go away without a word and never come back. If there had been a door to a different dimension, I would've gone there. Who would miss me, it wouldn't matter.

Life is good.. The things or people who hadn't been good do not matter to me.
But around these times, I keep feeling nothing but sad.
Intensely sad.

And I'm thinking about another guy..
Wondering if I'd feel just as sad had I been with him..

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device via Vodafone-Celcom Mobile.

Anniversaire Heureux..

Did you know that it's been one year?

It's been one year that I've been flying..
Congratulations Batch 09/09 for sticking around! It's amusing to think about the first day in training.. The Cherating trip where we studied for our safety exam because we rocked like that.
So anyway.. It's been a year! *pats self on the back*

Also.. Today marks a year that I've been with Encem. (He picked the date, anyway.) I must say that we fight a lot -- to the point where we decided not to go to Midvalley together because we always end up fighting when we go there. But I'm glad to say that after one year, we still have the hots for each other..

I had completely forgotten about this blog's anniversary last month! Eight friggin' years!! I swear it's the longest relationship I've ever had..
I know that just shows how demented I really am.
Oh well..

So anyway.. It's been a year. It's been sweet, it's been great.
I am feeling nothing less than mushy right now but I don't think this is the best place to express all the ooey-gooey things that I'd want Encem to know; since he rarely ever reads this blog. So..

It's been a year.
Just letting you know.

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device via Vodafone-Celcom Mobile.

#crewlife

As much as I believe it in my guts that I am 'meant' for this kind of 'work'... I do get lonely sometimes.

Last night I fell asleep halfway through the Nederland and Espana World Cup Finals.. Because it was too quiet here in my hotel room.
In Jakarta.
I wish I was with with my friends.
I wish that I was with Encem.
I didn't feel like socializing with my crew.. ughh!

I woke up at 6 this morning.
Hardly three hours of sleep. And I had wanted nothing else but to talk to my guy but that isn't really smart - financially. sigh.

So I get homesick. Sometimes.
It's no fun.
I want to get home soon.

Powered by Telkomsel BlackBerry®

About THINGS..

I just realize how having money makes you want to spend MORE.
It's terrible!!
I'm hoping not to be a shopaholic, but I'm afraid that I might turn into one.
I know I spend a lot on food, but that's just how I've been brought up honestly. When it comes to food -- it's okay to splurge! Even if that means going to Sakae Sushi three times in two weeks!
Bahahahahha!!
Okay, that is probably too much. But I can't help it! Dida and Encem had only recently 'accepted' sushi so now I can eat MORE sushi! Previously the only Japanese food they'd eat were teppanyaki and Pepper Lunch! Oh.. tempura too but that's not too exclusive to the Japanese, is it.

So anyway.. I forgive myself for wanting to have good food all the time. Even if those expensive, delicious yummies will turn into poop in the morning.. It's worth all the trouble. (Work to get the money.. Money spent on gas/transport/parking space..)

But when it comes to things.. I feel guilty spending on those. So I feel bad about wanting things.
For instance, I just ordered a Fuji Instax 210 online. Sure, I've been wanting some kind like a polaroid for yonks.. (You have no idea!) But earlier, a guy from Mooks told me that the Diana F+ can produce instant pictures as well with an add-on. But seriously, if I buy a Diana F+ without the extra lenses.. It'd be such a 'waste'.. Which made me consider getting the Diana F+ Deluxe Kit that Bestie had wanted so badly some months ago. (But I told him that it is too damn expensive comparing to the pay that we get..)
Which is true.
But!!
Damn it! Damn Bestie and his jelly lense for his Digital Harinezumi that made me want a fisheye! Rawrr!!

So..
Instax *for now* or just go for the darned Diana F+ Deluxe Kit then buy the damned Instant Back?
Gahhh!!
I hate thinking about spending money! Especially since I can't really be sure if I'll get bored of the things that I buy in one month. *Ponders about the closetful of dresses that I bought but haven't worn much due to a lack of occasions*
Sigh.

And I still want that Mukka Express.. (Still seems fun to play with!)
And I haven't even started saving on a pair of Christian Louboutin's. (Supposedly my goal for my 25th birthday..)
And I want to travel -- for holiday, and not just for work.

Oh sigh.. In a way, I'm glad to be fickle minded and have a quite logical mind. I know that I won't spend as much as I want to at the moment.. but it's good to rant about it anyway.

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device via Vodafone-Celcom Mobile.

UPDATE!

I am definitely NOT getting a Diana F+! yayy! Too much hassle if you ask me as it uses a 120mm film. ughhh! I've seen that crap. It's hard to work with and I bet I'll be too lazy to practice to become a pro at it.
Oh I don't know.. I just need to get my hands on an Instax soon for me to shut up, really.

Late night WK.

So a few weeks ago I bought a French-press; wanting to own one for MONTHSSSS! Not Bodum though since it's just too damn expensive for my logic.

Which then led me to want a coffee grinder. And after weeks of looking around I noticed that the only ones sold in KL are made by Krups and DeLonghi. I wanted one that was straight-forward.. nothing fancy.. Tried looking online but I was afraid of being disappointed so I settled for DeLonghi's yesterday.

The same day, I bought coffee beans from Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf; Java Espresso and the Caramel Vanilla because Encem shoved the bag to my nose and it smelled so damn nice!

Then we head home.. Picturing myself making a pot of coffee.. Taking a break from rearranging things in the new apartment.. Coaxing Encem to stop cleaning and have a cuppa with me..
And Encem broke my thoughts by saying; "we don't have a kettle.. So - no coffee.."

Damn it!!
Good thing we haven't reached home then.. Alif was driving us through the traffic so we made a detour to Carrefour!

Okay, so this story has nothing to do with WK -- but I promise you, I'm getting there!

The first thing I did when I got home was make a batch of caramel vanilla coffee.. And just now Encem requested for the espresso. SO! We are now at Marvina's Corner and watching the Espanol - Portugal match!

I don't like the crowd, by the way. The 10pm-match crowd are by far better than this. Which is why I am blogging -- instead of actually watching the game. Heh.

Oh, and at the moment, Encem's outside smoking.. And making friends with the guy that works here. Typical!

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device via Vodafone-Celcom Mobile.

Airplanes..

I expect myself to write about my SNY flights for my next entry while I wrote my last entry..

But all I could think and feel right now is how foreign I am at the moment.
And it's raining in this land..

I came home from flight yesterday seeing that a bunch of my things are already gone.. Moved.. Room empty except for my cluttered IKEA foldable table that I use as a dressing table. Bookshelf gone.. Dresser, gone..

Suppose I should commend Encem for doing a good job moving all those things out but all I'd felt was an intense hollow.
I was sad seeing everything gone. Encem wasn't around.. Home was just four walls with a roof.
It was a cold, empty shell and I couldn't help but feel a pang in the heart.

So I changed from my uniform, and packed the knick-knacks that was left behind.. And waited for Encem to get back.
We had dinner, moved the rest of our things with two trips.. And said goodbye to Green Avenue Condominium.

Hello, Arena Green Apartments.
I shouldn't complain since all my things are here.. And there's a balcony!
I should be excited about the balcony but all I could see in my head now is how dark and empty my bedroom in GAC looked as I walked past it through the hallway..
As it had looked the first day we moved in there..

The first day..
Before everything..
Before Encem and I was Encem and I..


Sure we're still together anyway.. But no more peeking from the bedroom window at the sound of the wheels of our trolley bags on the tiles..
No more Bestie calling our names from the hallway..
No more goodbyes to our friends from that bedroom window..
So I'm sad.
This land I'm in is foreign. The noises are foreign. And Encem is flying through Manila...

I need a hug..
And also a shower since I'll be flying to Dhaka in a few hours.. or maybe I should save that until I return in the morning? Hahahahahha!

Oh well.. I'm sad. That's all I have to say, really..

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device via Vodafone-Celcom Mobile.

If I marry..

As it is "normal" for one to be married some day..
I would imagine it would be for the "right" reasons;

Love..

For the most of it anyway.
To procreate would be a blessing, considering one would want to procreate with the person you love. I assume that it's a natural feeling.

Monetary stability is a bonus.
I wasn't brought up to depend on my future spouse in this area. In my head, when it comes to superficial matters, it is best to be independent.

But anyway, I hate thinking about marriage from those view points. To be honest, marriage seems a bit unnecessary to me so to be "lawfully" entwined as if I actually cared about it in the first place would require an excuse that is just as illogical or cannot be explained -- like "LOVE".

So..
It upsets me when I hear someone giving a reason to why they should marry.
It should just be about love.. That you can't imagine your days without her. That you want to always come home to her. And if a stupid license/paper would stop other people from nosing about how you spend your nights, then let's have it!

And not about what you can accomplish once you're married...
That is just.. Stupid.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device via Vodafone-Celcom Mobile.

8:30am - 5:30pm

May I just say.. That I am bodily and soul, weren't made for office hours!
It's a nightmare, I swear to God!
A slow and aching nightmare!
I am more than glad that I'll be finishing my conversion class next week!!

2 weeks.. 5 exams.. My brain may be too old for study-books and my body is no longer accustomed to routines; such as waking up at the same time every single morning.
How can anyone do it.. I have no idea. I became even more lazier everyday!

Next Tuesday I'll be doing my first test-flight to Manila.. Wish me luck!
Exams don't scare me as much as the actual work does. You know how some people are book-smart while some are street-smart?
I am always worried of the social part of everything! Working in this line, getting along with everyone is crucial. And on the Airbus, you'll have SIX extra people that you need to get along with! Ughhh..
Scary..

Encem worried me today by failing one of the two exams we had.. sigh.. I hate how careless he gets sometimes.

I'm sleepy....
I'd wanted to type more but I can barely keep my eyes open anymore. So.. I'll catch you guys later..

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device via Vodafone-Celcom Mobile.