Ugly side.

I have this thing of thinking things that I don't mean..
I don't actually say them out loud because I know how badly that could lead me, but my mind is far too quick to judge and decide what I think/feel about certain things. Especially when I am angered.
But believe it or not, that's the most crucial moment of the situation -- the thoughts that I don't mean.
Because then I would wish for things that would upset me in the end.

Example; weeks ago I was depressed about how nothing was happening around me, so I wished that I will be working on my birthday. Sent someplace where I won't have to be reminded how boring my birthdays have been. If I'm going to be indoors and be reminded that I am OLDER, might as well I DO something be it work.
So of course, I got my wish.. A night in Penang on the 13th..

Today, I wished that boyfriend would get called up knowing that he was on standby, because I was upset with him. So of course.. he's spending the night in Kuantan tonight while I'm here bored and annoyed at myself for wishing things that I didn't mean..
Honestly, even when he upsets me, it's still better with him around. At least he'd amuse me by trying to make up for his mistakes.
Ha - ha - ha! (I'm not really in the mood to laugh right now.)

Now, regarding the previous entry.. I think I'm going to TRY just one more thing before I truly give up. I'm gonna let hell break loose. No more silent treatment. I'm gonna fight like hell. Shout if I feel like it.
If that gets me nowhere, then I'll know..
I'll know for sure.
Honestly that scares the crap out of me, but it has to be done.. It must.

And now it's dark
I look for you to light my heart
I'm in between the moon and where you are
I know.. I can't be far
-- Blue October

Forget I said anything..

Suppose I am giving up.
I give up trying.
There is nothing else to say. There is nothing else I can say to you.

If everything I say will be misunderstood, I shouldn't bother saying anything at all.
If you give up trying to listen.. Guess I should give up trying to say anything altogether.

Thank you, dark cinema.. For hiding my shameful tears..


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Been a while..

I've been brooding lately, as Julie would put it.
Honestly I feel like my life is becoming more and more non-existent for the past week. Being busy with work just doesn't work for me. Sure I love going to foreign places and see what they could offer to a stranger like I am, but too much of it is making me feel like I'm aging way faster than I should.

I'm grateful.. honestly, to be able to visit these places. Taipei, Beijing and Dubai in one month! It's awesome. But I can't remember when was the last time I had a proper date with the boyfriend. We're always too tired to do anything outside. And come on, staying in watching movies isn't exactly my idea of a perfect day.

I know I am asking a lot, but isn't that the whole point?
To not be afraid to ask..

But who am I kidding.. I am always afraid. I am still unable to speak what goes through my mind. I'm starting to think that it's way too easy -- not talking. I dunno.. It feels as though I am changing but I know it's not for the better. sigh.. It's like I'm wrapping my words in a package and just bidding my time to send it away to nothingness.

I think I am detaching myself.. From loved ones and life even. Perhaps I am embracing the disappearance of my so-called life.
We'll see..

What I know is, I am too tired of putting myself out there and not having anyone to meet me halfway.
I'm tired.. My mind is fed up for having my heart controlling my life's course. Fed up for the headache that's caused from the heartache.
Honestly.

Me and my old man..

I love spending mornings with my dad.
Mostly because I am chirpy in the morning (after having a good sleep) and my dad is much more tolerant in the mornings; having nothing of the day-crap to bug his mind. Actually... my dad is ALWAYS tolerant of me. Perhaps I am the one that is more tolerant of people in the mornings..

Aaaaanyway!
After two weeks of not seeing any of my family members (I know, I'm horrible. My parents just lives 30 minutes away!) I asked my dad to come pick me up.

At the carpark where we were getting breakfast, we saw this one grown man attempted to park his big ass car. He was an IDIOT, honestly.. couldn't make up his mind whether he wanted to park on the left side or the right.. With the back-side out or the front.. Seriously. I lost some major points just talking about that man.
I even proclaimed that "idiots should not procreate."

Then my father chimed in that idiots wouldn't know they're idiots..
Which is a horror really, because non-idiots would easily recognize an idiot while a fellow idiot won't. So idiots will fall in love with idiots thinking that they're both equally smart, get married, and make idiot babies!!
OH - MY - GOD!!
What will happen to the world!! Infested by idiots!
Scary world.

Okay, my father and I are snobs -- and maybe that's why we click so well. hahahha!
Basically I've been spending my morning complaining and rambling to my father.. About people I've worked with.. Stories from the people I've worked with.. about passengers.. The kids that were sitting at the stairway to our flat.. Too many bad comments that at one point I almost fell from simply walking at the pavement!
Hahahahhaha! Balasan Tuhan..

I really love the mornings where I get to do everything that I wanted to do.

Feels like all I ever talk about lately is ANYTHING that relates to the boyfriend.. I swear sometimes it feels like my entire existence is tethered to the gravity that is him.
This much change.

Bob Marley

The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.

Good quote.
And very true.

Anyway, I'm having a roller coaster kind of days lately. There's no more good days or bad days. More of good hours and bad hours..
Sigh.
I'm not sure if that's better or not.

I'm bored. Actually really bored.
Feels like I'm drifting most of the time. Life could pass me by and have no effect on me.
It bores me.
Bores the hell out of me.

Work's been alright.
Relationship's been alright.
But that's just it -- "alright". I don't live with just 'alright'. So passion-less.
I am grateful with my alright life. But I wish I could be ecstatic everytime I wake up in the morning.

Sigh.
I need more.
I hate this stagnant.
I HATE BEING STUCK!

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The scent of one.

Did you know that our memory picks up scents the best?
I'm not sure where I read that but I am a believer. It does seem like my brain remembers scents better; for instance if I had a whiff of 'scent A', I could relate it to what had happened the last time I had smelled 'scent A'.

Encem had asked me a certain rhetorical question a couple of times before; if we hadn't seen each other for a very long time (years..) and somehow fate brought us together but his face was covered except for his eyes (err..) would I be able to recognize him still?
Yeah, odd question, I know.. but I play along anyway.. But when I say that I played along, I meant I made a thinking face for a short while and say that I don't know and changed the subject. hahahha!
Truth is, I'd most probably won't be able to know it was him by his eyes alone. I'm terrible like that.

But I know his 'smell' by heart.
To the point where I could get irked when somebody else wears the same perfume as he does. But most of the time when that happens, I'll just miss him more. Which could be even more annoying really.

So why am I writing about smells anyway?
Well, I'am reminded that I'm running low on my perfume. The "best" part is that the production of MY scent has been discontinued. Which sucks. I hate changing perfumes. Mostly because nothing really appeals to me! Most of them are either too strong.. Too 'makcik'.. Too manly.. ughh!
Another thing about scents; when choosing perfumes -- and partners actually, believe it or not one tends to choose something (or someone) that has the same scent as one does.

Anyway.. it's good to be home.
I find myself appreciating home more lately, but I know that this feeling may not last. Consistency has never been my strong point...

With all of me..

Half past one and I'm still awake.. ughh.
I better get to sleep soon since I have four hours of flight tomorrow.. Not a fun thing when you're one crew down -- yes, we're in Taipei and we left base with a short of one crew. Some moronic steward went MIA. grrr.
But anyway, my set crew is alright. I'm not having a bad time.. which is good enough for me! (Now who says I'm never thankful? hahahha!)

So practically three days in Taipei.. what did I learn about myself?
Well, I learnt that I am for certain.. capable of blowing my bank account had there been any money in there. Bahahahha! I've always liked Taipei but it seems that I like it more when the weather is cool.
Jackets and boots -- TRUE evils of MY world. eeeeep!!

I also learnt that walking around by myself reminded me of being back in Europe. I don't know.. maybe because of the weather.. the foreign language.. the AWESOME transportation system.. The silliness of walking around town knowing what to get but not knowing exactly where it is so I walked around and around the same block a few times.. hehhe.. I liked it anyway.
I felt like a fool, but what the heck! It's not like anyone knew me out there..

One more thing that I learnt.. Being in Taiwan (not just Taipei 'cause I've thought of this same thing while I was in Kaohsiung) reminds me of my ex. Hahahaha!! It's not that funny really.. but I HAD to laugh because the reasoning seems STUPID. And writing about it would seem even more stupid but anyway.. Taiwan reminds me of my ex because I'm surrounded by Chinese! hahahahha!! And I swear some of the guys here looked like him. HAHAHHAHAHA!! There was a time when I walked around and saw this one guy and I thought; Oh - my - God!
But of course, that random guy didn't kept eye-contact and said nothing when I walked past him so it couldn't be him.

Aaaaanyway, Sylly.. if you are reading this.. I've been thinking about you, obviously. Sorry.

Kinda been wanting to call to say hi.. or something. But he didn't even reply to any of my Facebook messages.. So.. heh. Perhaps you can't really be friends with an ex.
I suppose Arep is just one odd human specimen to still want my friendship. (One more thing I am thankful of!)

I've been thinking a lot about a lot of things of late. Kinda wanted to write about it but I'm not sure I want to actually remember about it in the future.
Ah.. battles in my head.

I should quit smoking.

Currently listening to..

Demi Lovato's Catch Me


So yeah.. I'm Taipei and getting homesick by the minute.
sigh..

Mini gathering..

Mummy and Daddy's wedding reception went well..
Still funny watching Daddy all serious. hahahha!
We basically had a mini gathering there.. Most of our batchmates were there. It was nice seeing everyone all dressed up!



Okay, I haven't got any complaints so..
That's it for today!

Have a merry married life, Mimi & Hasse!! ♥

You KNOWW??

A close friend tied the knot today..


I can honestly say that I was nothing but sincerely happy for Mimi and Hasse. I had a good giggle seeing Daddy acting all serious.. hahaha! They really are one of the cutest couple I've met. Two good souls.. I am blessed to have gotten the chance to get to know them..
Now I'm actually looking forward to the reception tomorrow!

I must confess that I am pretty awkward at social gatherings -- which had led me to hide in the car with Alif, waiting for Murni to arrive earlier.. hahahha! We're horrible, and we know it!
But I am really looking forward to tomorrow -- mostly because Encem will be around; so I can hide behind him. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

After the ceremony, Alif and I went to the mall and Arep came to join us. It was nice.. just hanging out with two of my closest guys.
I WAS thinking of calling Arep while I'm on this holiday break but things just kept coming up, so I really am glad that today happened.

I had a good day.. That's what I am trying to say anyway.
My holiday is ending and I can't help but wish that I could have it extended. Although, I need to keep in mind that I need to work to pay my bills and buy myself some nice things. Gah!
Sucks to be thinking of "working" for the money when I had never been that kind of person to begin with.

I hope the good days will keep coming.
Take care, everyone.
(I run of words fast when I'm not whining or complaining about something, I know..)

You don't Poke me anymore..

I know that one shouldn't compare relationships..
But I can't help it when you've had two very different ones. I can't help but wonder.. Perhaps I never knew what I wanted after all, and that's why I am never happy.

Okay, even I know that isn't true.
I can feel it in my guts that I am close to the elusive "happiness".. I just need to tweak some little things in my life.
I need to be able to talk again.
There was a time when I had no trouble talking about my feelings; mostly because talking was the only thing I could do.

I've learnt that when your other half is next to you, you tend to get distracted easily. Not a good thing when I am someone who needs to build up a courage to talk about things that matters. sigh.

So anyway.. To be frank, things have been extremely quiet.
I rarely ever talk for the past week even though the voice in my head is practically screaming at me. My heart is hardly numb even though I've been secretly wishing for it to be just that. I've ran out of words to write in letters so I'm getting pretty great at daydreaming.
Mostly about me trashing a place or punching some faces until they became disfigured. Mostly gruesome stuff that involves a knife that I'm beginning to think that this bottled up feelings is like adding fuel to the flame that is my anger issues.

Not speaking out = rage.
Who would've thought?

I am just as emotionally tired as I had been the last time I blogged.
Nothing much have changed really -- just less spoken words. What's the point of talking when the words are just forgettable, right?
I think I am trying to give up trying. I refuse to take responsibility.

Honestly, I need a friend.
ONE particular friend actually. But he doesn't seem to get how badly I need him I guess.
Oh well.. I'll live.. For as long as I can anyway.

Patience is thinning.

The little respect I have left for you just walked out the door.
Ignorance is your new bestfriend.

Must you call me only when you need something.. or trying to locate someone?
You have left me in this little island on my own and you have the nerve of asking me petty little questions??
Grow up.
Seriously, GROW UP.

I am surrounded by kids, honestly.
Not trying to say that I am THAT mature, but God knows I am not THAT needy too.
ughhh!

I can't find my deodorant and that stupid little thing just brings up a whole lot of dissatisfaction that I actually have in my life. I need to grow up now!
I'm finding solace in music now..
Paramore to be exact. hahahha!
Just enough "noise" I've gotta say. I'm excited that I'll be seeing them perform live tomorrow night. Been hearing sound-checks all day today from across the road. (Oh yes, I live across from the venue!)

I find this funny actually. Remembering hearing Usher's songs when he came to perform a few months ago. A few 'pros' living in this apartment. Cons would be -- TRAFFIC!

Oh.. Am I glad that I was born fickle minded..
badaba badaba ba da..

Emotion sickness.

I'll ignore you by ignoring myself.

Feels like it has come to that in the relationship.
Don't get me wrong, I love my man and I believe that he loves me back just as much. I am crazy about him but at the same time he is driving me crazy.

So.. I'll ignore my feelings so I could ignore him.. somehow.
Perhaps I AM choosing to be miserable. I don't know. But I do know that I only write when I am so it doesn't seem fair to the boyfriend or myself. I suppose if you're an outsider, just stumbling over to this blog.. you would think that I am emotionally inclined to masochism. Or just stupid -- which would be the more "obvious" word.

Last weekend Dida suggested that I see a psychiatrist.
I've always wanted to go but I don't know what's been holding me back. Perhaps just the fact that it will require me to spend money when I fully expect the shrink to tell me something I'd known for a very long time.

Doc: You're cuckoo
Me: Thank you, Doc. Here's your money.

It'd be a waste of money and time honestly. Mostly because I don't TALK much. Not as much as I write anyway. Sure, I can talk about my job.. about my day.. about the cute dresses that I see at the mall.. but NEVER about what I feel.
Stupid defected brain. I shall blame the countless of times that I fell during my childhood. heh. I shall blame everything on my childhood and Freud would be proud.

Anyway.. I need to fix myself. Dida reckons no one could save me from myself -- not her exact words but that's what she basically means. She reckons that I need to fix myself before.. anything, and I agree. I should fix myself.. perhaps only then I could be "happy".. what ever that really means.

Some days I do identify bliss, but some days all I want to do is hide under the coffee table in the living room. It's not particularly spacious, but it's just enough for me to hide from the world. Just the world -- if only I could hide from my thoughts and feelings.

Oh well.. it's half past nine here in Korea. Boyfriend's in Delhi. blablablaa.. In order for me not to think or talk about him, I shall go to sleep. I'm not feeling too well anyway. Between having too much gas from drinking too much Cola and being emotionally sick that I'd cried listening to a song from Camp Rock 2 'cause it hit close to home (I know, WTF!) and over thinking about a scene from Eat, Pray, Love.. I really should get some shut eye. I haven't gotten much of that since I had to wake up for work yesterday afternoon. Damn night flights.

So goodnight, dear world.
Please be gentle to me come morning.

And Then You..

I was struck by a thought last night that got me stunt.
Then followed by a string of curses, naturally.
A year has passed and I was slightly comforted knowing that I've changed.. somewhat.

But of course, I haven't really....

Just when I thought that I was happy right where I am.. My heart jumped at the first idea that could lead me someplace else.

I am running away again..
Or I want to.

So now I'm sitting here this Sunday morning.. trying to figure out what am I running from exactly.
I am breaking my own heart this time.
And I am not sure if I should voice this out loud. Seems premature to be saying something when I don't know the cause of it. Why should I alarm anyone with this anyway?

Maybe some people are just not meant to linger at one place for too long, right? That it has no underlying psychological meaning or personal trouble behind it, right? They were simply made that way, right?
ughh who am I kidding.
I am a textbook of "underlying psychological meaning and personal troubles".
I am incapable of happiness. Everything is too temporary. My brain is wired to find things to be unhappy about. I accept death too easily simply because I am more morbid than all the people that I know.

Anyway..
Had a pretty good Saturday hanging out with Nina and Dida.


I find myself looking.. almost staring at them a bunch of times in the course of one day. Trying to find the words to say to them maybe, but finding none.

My life/head/heart is so messed up that even when I'm surrounded by good people, I just can't give myself away and open up.
I simply couldn't bring myself to take the leap.

General anaesthesia.

It's odd to be in a dreamless sleep.
Even odder to be blinking your eyes while you're in a room one second and suddenly be in a different room the next second.

Anyway..
Nothing much going on in my life honestly. Just boring.. Boring.. Boring..
Mostly just one big confusing emptiness.

And I'm tired of talking.. Even writing about this very specific emptiness.. But I couldn't stop thinking about it, so I'm in an endless loop of.. Pain.
No other word to describe it.
Just pure, simple, uncomplicated.. Pain.

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To age prematurely..

So I was told that I'm a good secret keeper.
The thing about keeping secrets though, unless you'd forgotten about it, the words said will keep repeating itself in your mind.
Without you wanting it, you'd keep thinking about it.. Over and over again.

Feels like I'm jumping years these past few weeks. It doesn't help that my hair are prone to turn grey at the top part of my head. Sure it made me feel like Rogue of X-Men but having grey hair doesn't bode well with a job where your looks are important.

Not sure if the ages that I've acquired is making me more mature..
To be honest I'd prefer to live in denial and pretence than to face myself at this moment. I keep hoping that I've been dreaming all along.
But I am not.
So I'm forced to face my problems head on.

Which sucks.
And heart-breaking.
I wish I could talk to my sisters about it but I doubt they will just 'listen'. And my current friends are mostly 'kids' who shouldn't be burdened by my troubles. My older friends seems to be too attached to their spouses/boyfriends that the idea of them sharing what I have to say doesn't seem like the best idea. And as much as I love and trust my far-friends.. As much as I do share with them.. They are far from here.

So all I have is myself.. Again.
Ageing twice as fast than the normal speed because I have too much to think about.
And all these things are giving me a lazy-phase about work. I am getting too damn lazy to get out of bed and make myself look pretty when I feel nothing but ugly inside.

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To be lonely.

Must I do everything alone?
Just because I can, doesn't mean I want to. Doesn't mean that I should.

I hate it when I am expected to be independent when really.. I shouldn't be left alone.

Is this what I deserve, dear God?
I am simply asking You this question 'cause I need to know. Am I destined to be alone all my life.. For real?
..because I know that no one can live that way. Not really.

So anyway, here I am in Sibu for work.. Chilling in the hotel room with two stewards 'cause I'm promiscuous like that.. Trying to distract myself from the mess that is my life, honestly.
Failing..
But at least I'm trying. Still trying.

I suppose that's something to be proud of.

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I'm not sure I want to remember this..

This part of my life..
But I figured I should live and learn, so I should write about it. I honestly have no idea how I got into such a mess..
Well, of course I know HOW but how did I LET this happen???

Shit, as if I haven't had enough reasons to hate myself already. But honestly I am feeling numb for the most part.
And lonely.
It seems to be a 'normal' feeling for people who are/were in my kind of situation, I heard.

I suppose this was the change that Bestie had mentioned the other day. But I can only feel myself changing. Not sure about Encem, but who knows.. I can't really read his mind.
But I thank God that he is the kind of person who sticks around..
Not that I 'need' him to. I suppose I was always used to the idea of handling every situation on my own. Not saying that it's the best way.. But it's the only way I know.

Speaking of God.. I don't blame Him. I do question Him though.. But not blame. I have myself for that.
He's given me a working brain and yet I put it aside and not use it.
So it's my fault.
Oh well..

It's Eidulfitr tomorrow!!
God, I hope it'll be a quiet one. heehee. No surprises please!

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Hello, old feelings.

Been a while since I'd felt this way..
Maybe "life's" been saving it only for when I am back in my parents' place.

I'm feeling miserable.
To the point where I imagined myself jumping out of the window. I swear I only get this feelings when I'm here.
There is a bad aura here. Or maybe it's just bad connection.

I love my parents..
But there are some things that they do.. That gives me no other feeling but HATE. Pure, uncomplicated HATE.
Which are making me want to leave and never look back.

Actually I've been feeling a whole lot of that lately. Some days I just can't come home -- any home!
Making me wonder how I'd do living in the streets. I don't know.. Maybe living in the streets would be too extreme.
So now I wonder if I live by myself. Having absolutely no one in my personal space.

Will I grow or crumble even worse?
Hmm...

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In CMB.

So I'm in Sri Lanka..
Just chilling out with Saravanan and Max in the crew lounge.. They're figuring out words for the scrabble game that we're playing while I'm crapping what ever in front of this screen.

It's been a crazy week -- emotionally. I swear I have no idea what's going on with my heart these days. I suppose I should pity the boyfriend for being the usual victim of the situation. Kinda. Sometimes.
But anyway.. I honestly just noticed how crazy my emotions were when last night I cried watching He's Just Not That Into You.
I mean, SERIOUSLY!!

Anyway, I'm feeling lucky to be able to fly here. Apparently we're pretty much the last set of crew to be nightstopping here since the company will only be doing daily flights to MLE and CMB starting September. And we have two days off here! Talk about being blessed. hehe.
The crews are awesome too! We've got SIX "117s" and the rest are just really really nice seniors. heehee.
Thank you, God.

We're flying back home later tonight.
I'm looking forward to going back home. Then FIVE days off!!
Yippeeeeee!