:(

Baru komplen sikit, dah kena lagi teruk..

Semalam aku kena allergy attack. Daripada mana, aku tatau.. Bangun pagi okay, time tengahari aku guling guling atas katil, tau tau badan dah start gatal gatal and ada merah merah. Jadi aku assume kena gigit something la. Pijat mutant ke apa..

So siang semalam walaupun badan gatal gatal ni, gigih juga aku kuar ngan Kera pegi Midvalley (lagi!) sebab lapar. Kat umah takde apa nak masak, and since gaji dah kuar kitorang biasa ada "makan besar" sekali.
Aku ni lak.. jenis degil.. Dah tau badan gatal, selamba je makan seafood! Konon sebab takde allergic seafood kan, patut tak effect la! hahhh! Harapan.. jadi makin teruk lak. Tak guna..

So terima kasih Bestie kerana bawakkan pegi klinik.. Sorry kacau momentum abiskan lauk semalam. Harapnya sempat la kenyang yee.. hehe

Kat klinik lak doktor tanya ada makan seafood tak, aku tersengih la since memang baru je lepas. Pastu dia cakap la kadang kadang orang start kena allergy walaupun selama ni tak ada. Aku anggukkan aje la, tapi masalahnye gatal dah start time siang, time aku tak makan pape pon lagi. Seafood tu cuma memburukkan keadaan je. haihh
Pastu dia tanya aku nak makan ubat ke, nak kene inject. Sebab aku tak penyabar orangnye, aku suh je la dia inject.
Cok ponggong!
Malu...
Tapi dua tiga minit lepas tu gatal gatal memang reda.. merah merah pun dah kurang. Best!

Harini badan still ada merah merah and gatal.. tapi gatal yang boleh diabaikan la. Tak seteruk malam tadi. Malam tadi memang.. hisyy.. So skarang aku tau nak sumpah apa kat orang bila aku marah. Daripada aku sumpah diorang mati, baik aku sumpah diorang gatal seluruh badan. (Kat celah bedah pun yee.) Sebab tu lagi seksa!
Plus kalau orang mati, kau tak boleh gelakkan dia. Kalau dia kena gatal.. boleh la gelak evil.
(Teruknya laa.. Mana la Tuhan tak marah.. adeke plan menda menda camni lak! isyk)

Tengah mengantuk ni. Doktor kata ubat ilang gatal ni memang buat mengantuk. Best! Aku suka ubat buat mengantuk sebab aku ni jenis susah nak tido.. Tak saba nak tunggu malam untuk makan ubat gatal lagi!
Pagi tadi Mama text tanya nak ikut pegi Seremban tak. Aku tak mau lahh. Time badan gatal gatal ni tahap kesabaran aku kurang. Kesian lak kat bebudak nanti. Kalau ada sesiapa yang nak kena marah, baik aku hadkan kepada si Kera je. heehee.

Elok elok je allergic time cuti.. Kalau kena keje time badan merah merah camni.. hisy! I tidak rela uolss!

Flight BLR Yang Happening.

Aku cakap Jepun dalam flight balik dari India.. Kau hado?? Hahhahaha!
Al kisahnya, mamat ni tido sepanjang flight, aku tak tau pun dia orang Jepun. Dah sampai KL dia on phone dia, aku ternampak tulisan Jepun.. So masa dia nak blah aku pun cakapla "byebye" yang bukan "sayonara".. Muka dia pun terkejut ceria pastu cakap Jepun sket ngan aku.. Hihihi..
Lalu crew aku yang ala ala junior beberapa bulan takjub lah dengan kehebatan aku.. Hnssss *kembang idong*

Yang kelakarnye, bakat aku cakap Jepun ala ala bakat aku cakap Jawa je.. Basic gile; set kalau orang tanya, "iso omong jowo orak?" Aku pun jawab, "sitik sitik wae.." Hihihihi

Anyway, flight malam tadi boleh dikatakan seronok gak la walaupun Indian run. Passenger tak banyak kerenah sangat (surprisingly) and leading merepek, stewardess sorang suka borak, lagi sorang bengong, Bollywood crew layankan saja kitorang, and steward 11th solo-first time 738 (dia siap bagitau time briefing yee.. hahahahha!) kaki gelak.

Pendek kata malam tadi, walaupun sleep-deprived, aku takde sebab untuk tak ceria. Alhamdulillah.. Bila dapat flight macam ni memang aku bersyukur sangat. Best kerja. Rasa cam kasi lah lagi Bangalore kalau set crew terbaik gini!
Actually kalau difikirkan balek, everytime aku dapat Indian run selalu ada je set crew yang sekepala. Every cloud has a silver lining gitu. Aku suka! Thank You Allah!

Balek dari flight tak tensen.. Jalan ke transport maseh boleh sengih kat orang lalu lalang. Maseh ada mood nak small talk dengan cabin crew lain yang kau baru jumpa.
Rasa best jadi cabin crew..

Tapi sekarang kaki aku tengah gatal.. haihh.. Doktor kata aku kena amek vitamin C. Kulit kering sebab tak cukup vitamin C.. Isyk. Sungguh aku malas nak keep up benda benda yang kena jadi habit nih; sapu losyen lepas mandi, makan pil.. Aku cuci mekap pun pakai wipes je. Make-up remover yang Mama kasi ada dalam ceruk mana ntah, kapas tak penah sentuh.. Mask tak penah nak pakai, scrub muka kalau rajin ada laa aku guna sebulan sekali -- kalau teringat!

Nasib baik la muka aku ni bukan jenis sensitif, berminyak manjang.. Kering la tapi.. And kaki ni masalah besau. Dah berbulan aku tak pakai dresses comel comel aku. Rinduuu.. Hahahaha!!
Tuhan marah kot aku tak tutup aurat.. So dia kasi aku malu sikit. Hmmm..

Roster bulan depan tak memberangsangkan. Tiga nightstop, satu night flight, yang lain daily! Bulan yang lebih lonely sebab Si Kera punya nightstop/trip berderet. Siap fly ngan Mummy lagi lak tu. Isykk.. So kita nantikan sajalah entry entry blog yang jauh lebih emo daripada biasa yee..

Esok sampai habis bulan ni aku annual leave! Yeayy!! Aku suka cuti! And harini gaji kuar.. And LaSenza tengah sale! Yeayy!! So ada sape sape kat Midvalley sekarang ni?

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Setahun setengah?

Current mood: Pensive
Current location: Shah Alam
Song currently playing: Antique - Surga Cinta

Hung out with Dida at Starbucks last night.. The result? I was wide awake at 3am despite waking up quite early during the day.
And because I was having an idea of something, I got onto my laptop and shopped online. ughhh! Not exactly a good idea. I am trying to SAVE money here, not spend more of it!! pffft!

Anyway, not that I am regretting the buy.. Just that I moved around some money in my accounts that need not to be moved. So that was just.. lame.

Tomorrow I'm doing four sectors that I'd rather not be doing.. But anyway, the month's ending and since I have a leave from 25th 'til 28th, I'm just happy to get through the next three days. (BLR flight on the 23rd.. ick!)
Since February is ending, people have been asking if I'm staying in the airline.. (We have five years contract, which we are bonded to the company for the first two years of it)

I wish I had something else to say than; "yeah, suppose I'll stay.."
Honestly, it's not that I am bored. I still find the job interesting. But really.. I couldn't think of anything else to do anyway. So that's a pretty sorry excuse to stay.
Sucks that I've been feeling OLD these days.
Oh well, at least I'm not feeling gloomy.. today. heeheee

I've been trying not to look forward to next month's roster -- for fear of being disappointed (as we always do when the roster finally came out), but I can't help it. It should come out later tonight..
gah!

I better start packing my things.

Called up to KMG.

ughh.. Of course, just when you decided that you don't want to get called up, the office thought differently.
I've never been rostered to this flight. It's one of those elusive sectors like Begawan; which I was rostered to last month but the flight was cancelled! pssh!
Kunming is one heck of a long flight. Three hours plus. It felt longer when you had less than three hours of sleep and was delayed because the passengers decided to wander around before flight.
I couldn't wait to get home but as we descended towards KLIA.. My eyes welled up in tears. I was suddenly reminded that I had no one waiting for me at home. hmmph!

Bloody resolution.
I've finally decided on one a couple of weeks ago; that I should toughen up. Nak jadi hati batu sikit. I've been crying too much for the past year that I had to put it up as a resolution! hahahaha! Bangang.

If only doctors could recommend on my medical file that giving me long flights is highly discouraged. My brain is too messed up; instead of it being mostly a physical strain.. it's actually affecting my mental/emotions a lot more.
I just get a LOT more sensitive when I am tired.
As the result, tonight I walked towards the transport area biting my lips and praying to God that I wouldn't cry in public.

Personal shit are just too messy these days. And I know it's me who complicates things mostly. I couldn't help it. I'm simply in a bad funk to begin with so it doesn't take much for the spoilt brat within me to surface.
I don't know..
It does feel like I'm making a hell lot of excuses these days.
Funny how when I was single.. I had no trouble being with myself. (err.. Okay, I've always had trouble accepting myself -- but I never really needed anyone.) But now.. it's like my body detests the idea of being with just me.

ughh! I don't think I'm making much sense.
I should head to bed early.

Sendiri lagi..

This is no longer about being physically alone.. I am just.. irrevocably in a state of aloneness.
Sure, being physically alone doesn't help either but really.. this should be getting old. I can't expect to always have someone around to be by my side. And that is not even the point!

So Boyfriend had been around for the past few days. Knowing that he's flying with Mummy today, I was hoping that someone from their set would get sick and I'd get called up for that flight! ha-ha! What are the chances of that happening? But I hoped away anyway.. I wished for it from the day I saw their rosters.. I wished for it everytime I mentioned about my standby to anyone who'd hear it.. I wished for it before I go to bed last night.
It's silly, but I'm jealous. I'm not even jealous that Mummy is flying with him.. I am just jealous that two of my favourite people are flying together and I couldn't be there!

I used to bump into Mummy during night stops and it's been months since that happen. Knowing that she'll be leaving the airline soon just makes me feel even worse.
So yeah, I am jealous so I'm sorry.. I couldn't fake any form of enthusiasm when I was on the phone with the both of them earlier. I'm a lousy loser. I'll be the one that sulks in the corner when I lose.

So today I'd spent my day being miserable and sulking.. Doing my best not to send any pathetic texts to either of them because it won't do any good to anyone. Plus, Boyfriend hates working with me. Okay, maybe he didn't exactly used the word "hate" -- I hated working with him because of his "professionalism" bullshit. He'd make me feel like all I wanted to do was cling onto him while we work. Do the service with our hands entwined maybe.
Seriously, I don't mind being professional.. but wouldn't you think it's weird when people can't even tell that we knew each other unless they saw our staff numbers? bahh! I could go on about this for hours.
Maybe he's just embarassed to have me as his girlfriend. HAHAHAHHAHA! Okay, thank you stupid-brain for letting me wander off to this particular thought.

I suppose I should stop going into this.. since Bestie has the same trouble being himself when he's flying with a batchmate. Pathetic. (Sorry!) In conclusion to this crap; Adi remains my favourite batchmate to fly with! hahahhaha!
ughhh! I'm really gloomy today. I just couldn't bring myself to do anything useful around the house. Pathetic. Perhaps I should change my name to just that -- Pathetic.

I am honestly hating myself these days. My heart hasn't been mine for a long while.. And my brain simply jumps into conclussions that depresses me. I really really need to find a sparkle in life. Because really.. I CANNOT live like this, I keep feeling sorry for myself and it's just.. horrible! I am feeling like a blip and I really doubt that anyone would notice if I go missing.
Everyone seems to be going off to some better life.. New job, new family.. and here I am.. stagnant. It's the worst feeling of all. I hate being stuck. Stuck alone, because I am such a late bloomer. I know that isn't something I can blame myself for. It wasn't as if I wanted to be a late bloomer. But I wish I had known what I'd wanted earlier.
Not now.
Not when everyone's ready to leave.

I wish I am still twenty-three.. and just figured out that I wanted to be married by twenty-five. Have a kid by twenty-six. And another at twenty-nine.
But in truth, when I was twenty-three.. I had said to myself that I wanted to have a steady boyfriend that I could possibly marry by twenty-seven. My aim was just a boyfriend! Not a husband. hahahahha! And that's what I get.. Currently twenty-six, with a boyfriend.. and marriage is nowhere in view.

Sure I could blame peer pressure when it comes to this. Most of the people I know are either engaged, married, pregnant or already planning on the second one! Then there's me.. quite by myself and feeling FRIGGIN OLD!!
pssh! Guess I'll just blame my biological clock.
Things that happened last year just gave me a different perspective all so suddenly.
What if? What if? What if??

Damn I hate being alone with all these thoughts to ponder about!

I can't erase your past.

Question:
if a (certain) woman was made for a (certain) man, would it be the same for that woman?
If that sounds a little blurry, if A was meant for B -- does that mean that B was meant for A??

Ah yes, I am talking of soulmates -- in codes. Sort of. Bestie and I agreed that soulmates exists. After all, we are pretty much obliged to. But we both agreed that even when you are with your soulmate, you were never promised of happiness with them. There was never a line that says "you will be happy once you've found your soulmate."
So anyway.. I'm thinking of soulmates.

#crewlife stuff now;
during my recent trip, I had this one particular steward whom had seem interested in me. I've gotta say that had felt nice. And funny in a way. I still can't remember his name to be honest. Bahahahha! But I liked the flattery.. The idea of someone looking forward to seeing you again.
I can be so fickle sometimes... I know.

But anyway.. can't see the point of getting anyone's attention when in truth I'd only wanted MY guy's attention. I swear it gets pathetic sometimes. I wish I hadn't given him so much power. ughh!
So Valentine's day.. was never a celebration in my household. Except during school days when my girlfriends and I would give each other candies. Encem isn't exactly one that supports Valentine's Day and honestly, I would hate it if anything "special" had to happen on THAT particular day. It'd make anything seem fake and too deliberate. WHY must you give a girl chocolate or flowers on THAT day? There shouldn't be a reason to give your girl chocolates and flowers -- and "Valentine's Day" would be the stupidest REASON of all.

I still had a good time though. We were both off on that day and for once in a VERY long time, it was Encem whom asked me out! yippee! I swear sometimes it feels like we've been together for so long that we don't even date. ick!

So.. yeah.. it's pathetic but apparently my happiness (or let's just say my good mood) depended dearly on what he does.
Pathetic.

What do women want?

Aku ni kadang kadang tak tau apa perempuan nak sebenarnye.. Tapi nak agak apa "perempuan" nak, memang susah. Semua orang lain lain..

Haritu ada member FO sorang ni cerita pasal dia baru break-up dengan girlfren dia.. Sedih lak aku denga, tapi perlu ke mata aku sampai berair kan?! Isyk.

Diorang dah bersama empat tahun lebih. Kira sebelum FO ni jadi FO lah.. Memang dari dulu dah janji nak kawin..
So akhir tahun lepas FO ni tempah cincin kawin kat Tiffany & Co. Belum sempat cincin tu sampai, minah tu mintak break-up.. Atas alasan mamat ni FO.. Tak boleh percaya.

Manusia ni kalau tak dengki, tak cakap buruk pasal orang tak boleh ke?
Kesian member aku ni tau!!
Aku tak paham cemana minah ni boleh percaya hasutan kawan kawan yang baru dia kenal.. instead of percaya apa yang si FO ni cakap.
Empat tahun.. Kau patut dah tahu peribadi seseorang tu dalam masa empat tahun!

Mamat ni pulak dahlaa jenis cerita semuanye. Minah urut nak offer lebih pun dia cerita, tapi dia tak buat apa pun. Honest. Jenis rajin call/sms..
So kenapa perempuan ni nak break??
Aku rasa, memang hati dia dah lari.. Bukan salah si FO.. Tapi pompuan ni fickle. Mungkin dah safe sangat, jadi boring.. Entahlah!

Dua minggu lepas break, cincin Tiffany & Co. sampai..

Kalau lah laki aku tetiba balek bawak cincin tunang/kawin.. Hahahahaha!!
Si FO ni sempoi orangnye.. Dengan tak malu join aku ngan kakak aku gi karaoke. First day aku kenal dia, kitorang melepak kat bilik hotel berborak sampai pagi..

I guess kalau korang jenis kesah spouse korang spend the night kat bilik the opposite sex, JANGAN la carik cabin crew ataupun tech crew.
Aku ni pon kadang kadang melepak macam tak ada boyfren nak jealous. (Jealous ke pun?) Silap dia la kot carik pompuan yang lagi senang bercampur ngan laki! Bahahahaha!!

So apa perempuan nak sebenarnye?
Kadang kadang aku terlupa apa yang aku nak.. Perasaan nak tahu tu terlebih kadang kadang tu. Tapi perasaan je la..
Belum lagi buat benda benda merepek. Hahahaha! "Belum lagi" yee..

Oi, teruk betul sekarang ni bila emosi kurang stabil..

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In Shanghai..

I am sitting in my airline's crew room.. Using another airline's crew room's wi-fi! Bahahahaha! And my steward and I are SO immersed with our Blackberry that we don't bother entertaining each other anymore. Hahahahha..
Aah.. Technology.

It's cold here in Shanghai.. It was six degrees this morning. I honestly love cold weathers -- but really honestly, it's only because it reminds me of my time in Europe years back..

I really miss Europe. Funny how I'd felt safe when I was there. It was foreign.. But somehow I felt safe. I wonder if I'd still feel the same if I get to go there again.
And I do plan on going there again.. Just that I haven't actually set the date yet. Kinda..
Well, I need to know when I'm going and only then I'll start saving for it! Hahahahaha

Anyway, I'm in a relatively good mood as you can see. Personal troubles remains the same. I am starting to believe that I lead a secret life some days. I wish I hadn't known half the things that I know.. But you can't exactly undo the things that you'd done. Even when you hit "ctrl+z", you KNOW that you've hit those buttons..

So I'm flying back tomorrow. Then I have a day off and then I'll be on a 4-days trip. Not really looking forward to that, but I've come to realize that I haven't been looking forward to anything at all these days. It's sad, I know..

I haven't got any #crewlife stories to tell you. Personal life is too overwhelming for work life to surface.
Oh yeah.. Cheers Liverpool for whooping Chelsea's arse! Bahahahha!! I thought it was amusing. (Honestly I'm just stoked that Chelsea lost yet another game, but my team decided to get stupid on their match, so pshh!)

Perhaps I should head back to my room in the next hour. Call time is in the morning and I better get a decent amount of sleep for once! I've been having some terrible dreams lately; ghosts, being chased, boyfriend cheated on me.. sorting through dead bodies..
Horrible, horrible dreams!

So dear God, please let me have a good sleep tonight, of pleasant dreams.. And please let us have a good flight come tomorrow.
I'd love nothing more than to get home safe and sound..

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Can I let go now?

"They" say you have to let go of your pride..
Now WHY do I ever listen to "them"??!!

I should always stick to being myself.. I keep feeling like being in love makes me a pussy. Always giving in. Always opening up myself and invite a whole world of hurt in.
Why?
Why honestly??
I'm trying to believe that I can have that unconditional love. But perhaps unconditional love doesn't fit me best.
I am not made to be the more loving one, I'm sorry.. But screw Auden!

So I'm letting go.. I'm letting go of that role. I shall not take the responsibility anymore.
My happiness is MINE alone, and it's foolish of me to depend on anyone else to make me happy.
Fairytales, chick-flicks and chick-lits has really messed me up. But yeah, I'm not going to be responsible for OUR happiness anymore.

I need to stop going the extra mile because I need a man that'll meet me halfway.
I need someone who WANTS me just as much as I want him.

I am BLOODY TIRED!!!!
And I'm bloody tired of feeling tired!
I feel shitty, and I know that I can change it -- and that's what sucks the most!

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Feeling like trash, thanks!

SAMPAI HATI KAU HANG UP CAMTU KAT AKU?!!
HANJJJJJ!!!!!
aku baru cakap pasal jaga hati, pastu kau buat camtu..
SIAL!!

UGHHHH!!! I swear sometimes I wonder why I even have a boyfriend..
Yeah, I say a lot of trash about the people I claim to love but apparently that's just ME. If I can't do anything passionately, I don't bother doing it at all..
So tonight, I am passionately wishing for Encem to DIE!!! ughhh!!

Okay, I just sent a hate-text and feeling completely satisfied.
Now, to a different subject, shall we?

Recently I've been wondering why can't one always.. WIN.
Like the saying that goes, you win some, you lose some.
So WHYY??
Why must we lose after we win??

I'm bloody tired of giving myself excuses.. Bloody tired of karma.. Just damn TIRED!! God, I'm tired..
And I don't want to be tired..

I'm sorry for sounding ungrateful, but I'm really not in my best mood these days.
I'm a bloody walking corpse.. that swears a lot.
I'd be that favourite zombie in that movie that's bloody entertaining to you guys. You'd come out of the cinema saying how shitty that movie was, but you'd chide in "--but that potty-mouth zombie was hilarious!"
That's who I am.

Oh, I don't know why I say half the things that I say sometimes..
Guess I better head to bed since I have an early wake-up call in the morning.
Or maybe I'll have something to eat.
What ever..

Take care, dear readers..
Hope you'll have good days ahead of you.

Shaken again.

How depressed am I to wish to be in an accident?

Perhaps I'd be killed.. but honestly I'd be happy enough if I end up being in a comma. hmmm.. Maybe I could get stuck in a wonderful dream.
Oh well.. a girl can only wish.

Girl keee..?

Honestly speaking though.. what I'm looking for is an amnesia.
I don't know.. considering how frustrating it would be to try and remember my own family is quite upsetting. I can't help imagining them telling me some old, perhaps happy stories from their personal memories as their eyes wells up in tears.
I don't really want to see that.

But I really wish to forget.

Or maybe I was having an amnesia after all.
I'd forgotten how stupid I'd been and now I've allowed it to happen yet again. Somehow I just couldn't stop telling myself how stupid I'd been.
Stupid I am.
Stupid stupid stupid. STUPID.

Can't help but feel so alone everytime this happens. Everytime I am troubled with some personal issues.. I am always alone.
I swear, sometimes I made myself believe that I deliberately jumped into a well and got myself stuck there. Perhaps I really did.
I'm an adult after all.. Perfectly capable of using my God-given brains.. and yet I hadn't used it.

So yeah.. I jumped into a well.
No one had shown me where the well was. No one had led me there. No body had pushed me down. No one.. but me.

Anyway, just like before.. I am.. and shall not blame anyone for what ever that is happening. I did this all by myself, just like self-inflicted pain.
Sure, other people might have led me to do it.. but in the end, it's me who was holding the knife/razor/cigarette (pick your poison).

I really ought to stop wishing for bad things happening to me. But I am.. pretty much depressed at the moment. Just not enough to do anything myself.. Sounds cowardly but I still believe in God.. somehow.
Perhaps I shouldn't have said that. Oh well.. even if I hadn't typed it out, it's still floating through my mind. Hardly any difference.

'Til next time, I suppose.
Take care everyone.. Hope you'll have good days ahead of you.

A stolen kiss.

I can't decide if today was a good day at work or a shitty one.

This morning I was in the same transport with a batchmate; Adi, who then told me that he was doing RGN flight. At the very moment I was cheered by that fact since we'll be in the same flight!
wheeee!

But later we found out that we're flying with one short of crew.. (the stewardess reported sick at the last minute! grrrr siap kau next time bila fly sama..)
And.. it was a full flight to and fro!

Anyway, suppose I can't be too upset over this since I enjoyed the flight. Adi and I were crazy together even though we were so damned tired at the end of it!
It's always good to have a friend on board -- and a super helpful business class stewardess! heehee. I couldn't thank her enough for helping out at the back!


It's a good day..

My four days off..

I honestly thank God for the four days off on my roster this month. Despite the roster itself was organised by the people of the rostering department; it's God I should be thanking..

Having four days off in a row is a rarity, so how did I spend it? I decided to fly to Kuching!

I find it slightly funny to go to Kuching when I am not really crazy about the place. Even funnier when I kept being asked if I originated there. (Apparently I have the "face" of someone of Borneo origins -- because people have asked me if I'm from Sabah too! But no, I'm from Selangor.. Merah Kuning lambang kebanggaan! Bahahahha!)

Knowing Bestie's and Encem's roster, I was nothing but grateful for the perfect timing! They were both in Kuching on a trip.. And it turned out that Luqqy was there too. It was really nice. Just hanging around with my boys.

And just my luck, I bumped into Dar whom happened to be on a holiday as well! What are the chances?? Honestly, it was a weird sort of week. But an enjoyable one nonetheless. I had hoped to catch up with Dar a little more but I had a bad case of flu on the second day I was in Kuching. It was frustrating.. But I am grateful anyway.
Perhaps it's been a year since I last saw Dar, and he used to be my closest friend..

Dear God, how come I never bump into Dar in KL?? hahahaha

So anyway, I'm having a runny nose, a slight fever and a bad case of cough.. But I'm thankful for my week away from home.
And in case you're wondering why have I only mentioned boys in this entry.. I honestly don't know why. Sometimes it feels like all my friends are boys!

Oh sigh..


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A good read..

I've finally got around to read the book boyfriend had given me a while ago. In truth I feel a bit guilty putting it on hold. I can't remember when or why he bought it in the first place..

I know that I've had it for months.. Packed it into my luggage everytime I'm having a night-stop or layover flights..
As for why, knowing us both, perhaps he'd bought the book because I was upset over something. (heh!)

I don't even know why he bought that particular title. He isn't even the type that reads novels but he knows that I love Coelho's works.. But I'd never actually heard any raving reviews for this title to get it myself..
But whatever it is..
I suppose it's these curious little things that I love my boyfriend for.

Anyway, like other Coelho's works.. They always make me wonder. Curious little things. And I've only read a few chapters of it!

I don't know.. Feels like his books reflects my soul..
Always looking.. the elusive perfection.. Completion..
Happiness.

Some people appear to be happy, but they simply don't give the matter much thought. Others make plans; I'm going to have a husband, a home, two children, a house in the country. As long as they're busy doing that, they're like bulls looking for the bullfighter: they react instinctively, they blunder on, with no idea where the target is. They get their car, sometimes they even get a Ferrari, and they think that's the meaning of life, and they never question it. Yet their eyes betray the sadness that even they don't know they carry in their soul."
-- The Zahir, Paulo Coelho

So today I'm feeling blue.
But don't you worry about me. Everything is good. I am just having things to ponder about. And as should you..

Are you happy?
Are you doing the things that you love?
Are you in a good, healthy relationship?
If you answered "no" to any of these questions, what are you going to do about it?

Take care, dear readers!

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To cry the night..

You live and learn...

Funny to be writing this entry.
I was in a such different mood when I wrote my previous entry, but today it feels like it's all been a dream. Or perhaps a nightmare.

It seems like this month HATES me for what ever reason. Nothing I do seems to go well. Anything I planned just blew up in my face.
And as for my heart.. it is shattered into tiny little pieces.

It doesn't seem fixable at the moment.
Perhaps I've been lying to myself this whole time. Thinking that I was happy when in truth I was merely distracted.
And now it feels like the end.

I am done reaching for help.

It is no use.
I'm the one who keeps getting hurt anyway. So I'm done. I'm done trying my best when my best is taken for granted.

Episod Curang.

Been a while since I wrote a bla-bla entry. (One that isn't really about anything but what ever is in my mind.) Bestie told me that my blog has been so crew-like these days.. and I don't like that. I don't like the idea of being defined by what I do for a living.

But since I've touched the subject.. as you can witness here, I am blogging. Not putting on any make-up, or getting ready for flight as I should be. Just lazing in the sofa-bed in the living room.. messied hair, spectacles on with a cigarette burning in my right hand.
The doctor was nice enough to grant me a day's rest for my back-ache, which I really appreciate. Honestly I hate seeing the doctor.. or taking medical leave. I like my records clean but I don't think forcing myself to work is going to help anyone. Guess I won't be having much money next month but I'll live..

So anyway, Bestie asked an interesting question at dinner last night. He asked Encem and myself if every couple has to have that cheating period.. (he worded it "episod curang"; the title of this entry! wa-heyy!)
I burst out laughing while Encem being Encem just ponders off wordlessly.

I'd like to think that not EVERYONE has it.. or had it. But the temptations must've been there..
When I feel ignored by Encem, I sometimes wish I had someone I could cheat with. (oops?) hahahahahha!!
But honestly, I had my episod curang.. It was the preface to my book with Encem really. ughh.. I don't like the fact that I have that episode in my life but.. I don't regret it. hehe

But really.. does everyone has it??
It's.. sad.. and a whole lot of bad karma lying around!

Cheating is terrible anyway. It's just bad.
For me.. honestly.. I didn't know what I really wanted, but still it wasn't a valid reason to cheat. Nothing is ever a reason to cheat! They are all excuses. Bad bad BAD excuses.
I for one was not cut for lying, so my episode didn't last long. My ex deserved better, I know it. So I told him the truth soon after. Encem and I were barely anything but it's not fair to have someone counting on you while you're interested in someone else instead.

I don't know.. sometimes I still wonder why I did what I did. It's not like I was out of love. But maybe I really needed someone who is present. At least that's what I tell myself when I think about it.

Sometimes I wonder if karma is going to get me in the end. Sometimes I imagined Encem having an affair and actually felt how crushed my heart would be. I even dreamt about it once or twice and when I woke up.. I find myself distancing myself from Encem.
It's not really his fault. But I can't exactly control my dreams.. and they had felt real.

God, I hope karma will get me in some other way.
Because Encem.. my dear boyfriend.. is one of the very little things that is good in my life. Sure he pisses me off sometimes.. Leave me here feeling lonely and ignored while he's working.. but still, he's the one that defines home to me. *and cue sentimental violin score!*
Oh, and sometimes, like right now.. I am HATING him for making me want to write about all this crap! ughhh! I swear I was never this needy or clingy to some BOY before! yuck!

So moving on!!!
Kasi potong terus feeling feeling ni.. Tomorrow I'll be on standby. Oh well, at least I won't have to stay up working tonight.. But I do hope I won't get any calls from the office tomorrow and the day after.
I realized that I complain more when I had too much work, compared to when I didn't have much money.

Suppose I could really say that money isn't everything...

Coffee break!

Helloooooo friends and strangers!
Welcome.. welcome..

I am writing this from the comforts of my parents' place in Shah Alam today. As you would have figured, I'm not the one who goes home that often since I've started my career but today I had an interesting bit of day!
Last year I volunteered for a class that the company was offering and finally, I was rostered for it!

What class was it, you ask?
It's called Tea & Coffee Program! hahahahahha!
Honestly, I think the training department just needed something to do with their time, but hey! I'm a coffee-freak, so of course I signed up! -- even without knowing who else signed up for it.

My morning didn't start great, with my hair refusing to cooperate even when I was only tying it up in a ponytail! Then my dad commented on the tailoring of the pants I was wearing -- yes, you read me right! Anyway, I refuse to go into that.
Then we got into the usual traffic jam in Federal Highway trying to get to the Academy -- so I got into class just in the nick of time. Which I hate. I hate being "just in the nick of time".
Perhaps I should also tell you that I'm a bit of a nerd in that area. I don't like being late, or almost late. I prefer being early. So at least I could relax and say.. have a smoke before class. sigh.

Aaaanyway, it had been an interesting program!
I learnt a bunch about tea and coffee today! I only knew bits and pieces previously but now it seems more FUN to be able to tell why mild coffees are mild and how the intense coffees are made. (The tea stuff were informative too, but seriously.. the coffee stuff were just awesome!)

Especially since we were welcomed by a cup of espresso and biscotti as we entered the classroom. (the espresso by the way, was free flow! I had three cups of the darned thing before we actually got into coffee-tasting!)
Oh and interestingly, the instructor was using the CBTL machine I tweet about last week! Makes it kinda hard for me to forget about its existence now..

By the coffee-tasting session of course, I was caffeinated as hell. Hands shaking, heart's racing.. I was talking like an idiot in fast forward. Had lots of laugh though; mostly for feeling like an idiot, of course..
It was basically a shared problem of mine with my table-mates -- whom happened to be people I know! It was neat!
Between us, we took about nine cups of espresso and a latte! -- not counting the crap (that I called "bitter water") that we tried during the coffee-tasting session.

Anyway, dear Bestie.. thank you for getting me that strong Italian coffee for my birthday. I just found out that I absolutely and completely HATE mild Kenyan crap! And I always thought that I had a milder palette; that strong coffee wasn't really for me. Guess I got that wrong.

Feels like I should get something new to feed my coffee obsession.. I already have a French Press, coffee grinder and a coffee drip machine (thank you, Bestie!) and I've always wanted a Mukka Express but if I add a few hundreds to that budget I could get myself a CBTL machine!!
uuhhh.. I should stop myself right there.
I am dreaming of spending the money that I don't have -- which isn't right! hahahahaha!

Alright, this doesn't make any sense to you, but.. Douwe Egberts.
hahahha! It's a reminder to myself actually. It's a really good coffee and Dida and I had in Nederland and honestly I'm tired of Googling for it everytime I try to remember its name. (Doing a search on this blog seems more simpler at times.)

I guess I'm going to leave you now. I need to get packing while I'm still strung on coffee. I sure hope I have that caffeine-crash when I need to fall asleep.. within the next hour would be perfect!

hmm.. Osaka flight is drawing closer.. I'm oddly still thinking of excuses for not going.

Still tired..

sigh.. I knew that this was bound to happen.
It always happens when I complain too much. Balasan Tuhan.. I didn't count my blessings as much as I should've.

Last night I was supposed to do a simple layover flight to Singapore. But due to some technical problem, my entire set was asked to fly to Male instead. sigh. Instead of getting eight hours of sleep in the hotel, we had to work all night.
So I'm tired. I believe I have the RIGHT to complain about this one since the flight I was rostered to was the simplest thing on my roster this month. And I was really looking forward to it! But it was taken away..
It was frustrating.
Really frustrating..
And sad...

Bloody "job".
Those whose been following this blog would know that all these while I haven't really considered what I'm doing as a job. But this month it had really felt like one.
I am border-lining on getting sick here. My body has been warm-ish for days, but I believe in "power of the mind". I refuse to be sick.
I honestly refuse it!
I'm mostly convinced that I'll do my Osaka flight after all. Feels like I'm MEANT for it anyway. Dear God, I hope it's going to be good!

There are two ways in looking at it;
one, my Airbus flights so far had been good. Even when I wasn't comfortable with the working position I was given, I've always had help. There was always someone kind enough to tutor me or at least cut me some slack.. and pick up the pieces that I'd missed. And there is always someone who would go out with me and show me around town.
two, should I get a really bad flight one day, it's really a reality check. I can't have all roses and daisies, can I?
I'm the one who needs something new each day anyway.. (I get bored very easily..) So.. it shall be a learning experience! (trying to be positive here..)

But honestly, it better be a BRILLIANT flight! After all I've been through so far this month.. Dear God, help me pleaseee!!
If it turns out bad, I can't promise that I won't break anything.
Oh God please please pleaaaase!!!
But really.. who am I to demand anything from God? I am just a tiny fleck of existence. So all I could do right now is hope. Hope.. hope.. hope..

Wait.. didn't I have "not to hope" in one of my resolutions a while back? Hmm..
Perhaps that's what the astrologers meant when they say that Sagittarians are positive people. They really can't stop from hoping for the best.

Anyway, I'm tired of being tired.
I always get dark and twisty when I'm exceptionally tired. Physical stress turns emotional and.. well.. you know the drill. There had been plenty of proofs of it in this blog -- and I've had this blog for almost NINE years.
Sometimes it feels crazy.. to be writing about your life for nine years -- and it hasn't been exactly an exciting nine years.

But thank you, dear readers..
For your time in reading my thoughts and letting me share a piece of my life with you. *and cue sentimental violin score*

And thank You God for my cool set of crew last night.. And the bunch of sleepy passengers who didn't demand much at all on flight! We basically spent the night talking and watching the in-flight movies as the passengers sleep. It was definitely an upside to the whole frustration..

Back to base.

I'm home from the day's work..
I have to say that it's been a good day -- even though I did manage to squeeze in that entry mengumpat during transit. But it's a good day.

Started off this morning while I was checking for the tech crew's names for my flight. Somebody tapped me from behind and when I turned around, it was Mumuuu!!! Panjang umor, Alhamdulillah..

Anyway, the flight to and fro AOR was good. Light load!! hahahaha! Okay, a full load is good for the company, but being the crew on a full load flight is tiring!

Oh, it seems like I'll be doing that Osaka flight after all.. Maybe..
Nobody has something else to swap with on the very dates. ughhh! So.. I don't know really.. I'm still undecided. A part of me wants to just do it while half of me is praying hard that the amount of work I'd done for the past few weeks will get me too sick to fly. hahahahha!

It's going to be yet another lonely night. Encem's doing a night flight. I'm glad that I get to spend the day with him yesterday. Finally had a meal together.. But still.. not enough! sigh..
I seriously have no idea when did I become this needy..
Perhaps I'll do something nice for him when he gets home in the morning.. IF I manage to wake up early..

I'm hoping that Bestie will take me out to dinner tonight.. 'cause I have NO IDEA how am I going to spend my night! Studying just doesn't seem appealing right now -- especially since I am so friggin' sleepy. Hardly four hours of sleep last night. ughhh!

Okay. Enough complaining.
Thank You God for making this a good day! I know I complain a lot.. but I hope I say thanks to You just as much..

Tiga jam transit..

Haih..
Peringatan: aku tak suka cerita pasal keje -- TETAPI.. Harini ada 3 jam transit! Nak buat hape kat airport ni?
Maka kita bercerita lah tentang kerja...

Dua sektor pertama tadi agak mencabar kesabaran.. Bukan 'agak' sebenarnye.. MEMANG mencabar..
KUL/LGK
Passenger profile untuk first sector: INDIAN.. Hello!
So apa yang aku dah brief kat korang sebelum ni maintain ye; call button.. Water.. Sebok je.

Aku tak suka the fact that keje ni buat aku jadi racist sket. Tapi nak kata betul betul racist pun tak jugak. Like I said; passenger profiling. Bila tau passenger profile, kita boleh anticipate apa yang diorang nak! (Ecewwah..)
Just happens that aku tak suka orang meminta tak kena tempat. Hehe..

Contoh: tadi dalam kalangan Indian yang beramai ramai tu, tersentil dua orang Cino. Aku hulur basket peanuts, sorang amek dua genggam, sorang lagi amek segenggam.. Lepas tu time dah sampai nak keluar ada hati lagi mintak extra! Tapi flight full kan, so aku tak pun menipu bila aku kata dah tak ada extra..
Like I said dalam entry sebelum ni lah, kalau ada.. Memang aku kasi!

Aku tak faham obsessi passenger dengan kacang tu.. Aku sendiri tak makan. Tak penah suka kot. Especially bila semua orang bukak dalam kabin.. Bau macam kentut!!
Aku yang dah biasa bau ni pun still rasa bau macam kentut! Tak lali langsung..

Now, LGK/KUL..
Passenger: Cino mainland.
Set yang cakap bahasa dia manjang and expect kau tau apa dia nak. Kalau korang boleh cakap Cina, memang plus point lah bila kerja ni.. Geng China mainland ni memang selalu dalam kapal.. Ikut tour..

Diorang pun suka amek kacang extra extra.. Aku terpaksa kasi sorang satu tadi (flight full!) Pastu diorang ni sebok cuit cuit aku nak lagi.. Pastu aku cakap la "if I have extras then I'll give it to you," but of course, diorang tak paham.. Cuit cuit lagi..
Lain kali aku cakap Melayu je la ngan diorang.

Lepas tu masa nak landing kat KL, time tuu la ada sorang makcik ni nak ke toilet. Ye yee steward aku cakap kat dia suh duduk sebab dah nak landing -- siap hand gesture la untuk penekanan kan. Dia diri je situ depan pintu blur blur. End up steward aku tarik tangan makcik tu duduk sebelah dia kat crew seat.
Seconds lepas tu memang kapal land.
Bengong kan passengers ni? Bukan tak nampak tanah kat luar.. Naaaak jugak gi toilet time tu.

Kadang kadang teringin gak tengok passenger tergolek. Tapi nanti kitorang pulak masalah. Aisyy..
Kena administer first aid ke apa.. Tapi salah kitorang ke bila passenger tak dengar cakap? Tak kan??

Anyway, makcik tu end up tak gi pun toilet. Time taxing dia pegi balik seat dia. Jadi, apakah motif dia ke toilet time landing???
Aku pun tak tau laa..

Lagi satu aku tak paham obsessi terhadap toilet aircraft. Aku seboleh bolehnya minum sikit je.. Tahan kencing sebab taknak guna toilet tu. Dah laa kecik! Air recycled!
Pastu passenger complain busuk.. Salah siapakah??? Crew sebok kerja koot.. Bukan menghabiskan masa guna toilet. And kat dalam kapal tu tak ada Mr Muscle untuk kitorang cuci toilet tu.. Paling paling kitorang boleh buat cuma spray air freshener je..
Plus, point paling penting -- kami adalah CABIN CREW.. Bukan toilet cleaner, harap maklum.

Kami cuba tolong, tapi renung renungkan lah.. Apa sangat je yang kitorang boleh buat..

Okay, sat lagi nak masuk kapal..
KUL/AOR/KUL pulak.. Harapnya passenger okay. Mood tengah tak best nak melayan kerenah pelik pelik.
Letih badan, tak cukup tido..

So korang bakal passenger, be nice to your crew yee.. Buat baik dibalas baik.. Tapi kalau crew korang memang kurang ajar, hmm.. Give them hell lah! Hahaha
Tapi berjaga jagalah.. Pusing pusing, diorang yang pegang makanan minuman korang atas kapal tu..
Hahahahahahah!!

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