Of perfections.

Yeaaah..
I was/am crazy, hence the previous entry.

To be truth, I am generally happy.
Apart from the outburst earlier, everything else in my life has been going on alright.

I've practically got my health back, Alhamdulillah.. I can easily forget that I still have the coughs, so it's okay.
I was on standby for the past three days; first day I was called up for BKK and back, and on the third day I did PEN and back! Super simple sectors, and I was absolutely free to go out on the second day!
Alhamdulillah..

So what exactly did I do on that second day?
I threw around some money, of course! HAHAHAHHA!! Bought the ONE thing that I've always always wanted for my bedroom; Cannon Silktex 400 thread count!
Look it up fellas..
I swear, now I wish to die in bed.
Thread count wise, it's not as high as Egyptian cotton would be.. but like I said, you should go out to the bedding section of your favourite departmental store and feel the awesomeness of Silktex yourself! heehee.

Anyway, I feel older for enjoying myself when I buy things for my home. Feels a bit.. less selfish, somehow..? Just kinda.

Next month's roster sucks ass. I am trying my best not to complain.. (Fact: I threw my Blackberry the moment I saw my roster in my email!) It was THAT bad. I'm still trying not to complain..
After all, I do have my annual beach-getaway with Dida to look forward to! yayyy! Finally!!

So yeah, maybe Sags are positive thinkers after all..
-- when you count out the emotional outbursts, of course! hahahha

Emo mthrfckrrr!

Are you worthy of having my whole heart?
Are you truly worthy of getting my unconditional love?
Pada kau la kan.. Layak ke engkau???!

I am barely hanging on. You don't seem to notice. God knows how hard I'm trying to hold on when in fact I am so tired.
So so tired.
Aku lelah hati ni.. Pusing pusing benda samaa je. You said that you're exposing yourself little by little so you'd seem to be a little mysterious.. So I wouldn't get bored.

Well, I am bored. So you FAILED! Ha - ha! I am bored of putting my heart out to be crushed by you again and again.
I'm tired and frustrated and half of my heart is already out the door.
And yet I'm still here. I don't know what I'm waiting for. Maybe I'm just stupid for staying around.
I feel nothing but like a fool.

So thanks!
For 'helping' me become the fool that I am today. You're awesome just the way you are. All sunny and happy..
I don't belong with you, really.
Doesn't matter whether I hide my heart or actually speak out. Nothing ever changes.

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Sentap lagi?

I wonder how I would be had I been a less-emotional person.
I know that you're not supposed to wish to be someone else, and I'm not really.. I'm just wondering.. Perhaps there is still time for me to become that person.

I want to feel less.
To not care.
To cry less.
To not hurt as much.

I'm in that sombre mood I suppose.
I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul. I want you to notice when I'm not around. I wish I was special..
And yes, I am quoting Radiohead because that is exactly how I feel at this very moment.

I'd love to wish for nothing. I want to be stoic. Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe I'm letting go.
I don't belong here.
I don't belong anywhere with you.

And yes, this entry is personal and general at the same time because I am crazy.

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To dream the dream..

Lately I've been speaking to people who reckons that I should be something else -- career-wise.
I find it... amusing how they have more faith in me than myself.
I wonder if my lack of enthusiasm in their suggestions were based on the fact that I am supposed to know myself best.. or just that I'm a scardy-cat underneath.
Fear of rejection keeps me stagnant. Unadventurous, if you like.

Honestly I don't even know.
That bit of me who dreams of being what I had always wanted to be is still alive.. somewhere inside. And I do realize that it's pretty easy to forget when I've been so busy juggling between my job and getting worked up over my personal life! (haha!)
I wish I have a definite answer to this question. (Was there a question?)

Maybe someday?
I do hope that I'd get the chance to somehow materialize that dream though.
Someday...
Definitely someday...
I would definitely jump into it whole-heartedly someday. (And I am typing this while grinning.. this sucks! I can't seem to take myself seriously somehow. ughhh!!)

Perhaps when I am more stable and calm.. Maybe then. (Still grinning.)

Funny how you always thought of doing something but always ended up doing something else.
I never imagined myself in the service industry honestly. I'm too brash and selfish. But somehow I enjoy being around people.
Oh well, maybe someday I will get to a point where I would write about them in a more.. err.. serious way.
Someday.

Oh by the way...

Does anyone feel like I'm getting a bit more.. stupid, lately?
I miss the days when I write like this.

Aku dan demam panasss.

(tiada dalam gambar; ubat batuk jenis cecair..)

Orang kata bila kita sakit, Tuhan ampunkan dosa dosa kecil kita.. Betul ke?
So kalau aku dah sakit since Raya kedua, apa maksudnya? Dosa aku banyak sangat sampai tak terampun dalam masa dua tiga hari? Dah Syawal ke-16 dah, ini aku tak kira time aku start dengan batuk time Ramadhan!

Okaylaa, aku jugak degil sebab taknak jumpa doktor. Siapa suka jumpa doktor kan? (Unless boyfren/girlfren korang doktor laa.. ataupun korang harapkan doktor tu bakal jadi boyfren/girlfren korang!) Lagi lagi dengan profession aku ni. Diorang tengok logo depan medical book aku je, diorang bajet aku nak mintak mc sebab malas keje. Memang bikin hati gua panasss. (terkeluar gangster kat situ.)
Jadi seperti biasa, selagi aku tak rasa sakit macam nak mati, memang aku takkan tunjukkan muka aku kat klinik.

So kelmarin baru lah aku pegi jumpa doktor.. Klinik biase aku adalah Klinik Anis kat Seksyen 3, Shah Alam. Itu memang klinik aku lah! Sejak aku kecik aku pegi situ, kad rekod aku dah kaler kuning kuning dah punye lah lama dah wujud.. Doktor yang bertugas, Dr. Asvinder kot namanye. Punye tere dia ni, aku cakap aku demam dia tanya aku patut fly mana.. Aku jawab Miri, dia kata "Alaa dekat je.." (Dekat dekat pun, pikap aku pukul 0530, duty end time adalah 1405.)
Lalu dia letak strip ala ala nak tengok power battery banyak lagi ke tak tu kat dahi, dan penuh terkejut bunyiknye dia cakap, "Oh, you demam!"
Aku pun reply, "Abestu you ingat I berlakon kee??"
Pastu dia tanya aku bila last mc... aku flip medical book aku yang berada di depan DIA dan jawab, "March.. Allergic amenda ntah.."
Nak tau apa dia respon lepas tu?
"Buat laa allergy test.. 1500 je.."
Ada dua tiga kali gak laa dia mengiklankan allergy test yang bernilai RM1500 tu kat aku.

So anyway, aku pulang dengan ubat demam, antibiotik, selsema, kahak, batuk dan mc untuk sehari.
Terima kasihlah Iqbal kerana sudi menjadi pak supir pada malam itu dari Bukit Jalil ke Shah Alam dan ke Bukit Jalil semula..

Keesokkan harinya aku pulang ke Shah Alam atas saranan Mama yang risau sebab Encem kerja, so takde sape nak jaga aku..
Dah jadi cerita harini lak.. Patutnya aku buat flight Hyderabad, tapi sungguh aku tak larat. Badan baru ala ala nak kebah demam, tak ke susah nak baik kalau asyik dikerah tenaga je? Maka aku pun ajak Dida yang sesuka hati amek EL harini, untuk bawak aku gi klinik.. dengan harapan supaya aku dapat mc lagi supaya aku dapat berehat.

Doktor kali ni namanya Dr. Gowdh. Dia tengok aku, amek kiraan nadi aku sambil ambik temperature aku pakai electronic thermometer. (Doktor aritu tak sentuh pun thermometer!) Selepas berapa saat ntah dia tengok bacaannya; 39°C! Hahahahhaha.. tak sempat aku nak berlakon sakit, rupanya memang aku masih sakit! Ni paling best.. pada hari yang aku rasa macam ala ala nak kebah ni, suhu aku adalah 39°C!! hahahahaha! Aku tak tau nak cakap apa dah.. Time haritu aku rasa miserable abes tu suhu aku berapa?? 41°C??

So kesimpulannye aku memang terer demam. Takde nye nak demam sikit sikit. Kalau nak demam terus demam panas. Siap doktor ni cakap, kalau by esok tak elok lagi aku patut pegi Medical Centre untuk buat blood test! huhuuu.. Aku pon tak tau lak demam aku seganas ni.
Tapi semalam mimpi aku memang tak tenang laa.. dok terpikir Hyderabad laa.. tetiba ada pasal Pune laa.. Aku pon tak tau laa.. Naseb tak meracau dalam Hindi je..

Nak dijadikan cerita lagi, dalam dua hari aku call Duty Officer, dua dua kali aku bercakap ngan orang orang cibai. Entah apa masalah diorang ntah, jawab telefon pun lambat! Bila aku sebut "117" je nada diorang jadi lain. Macam laa aku ni kaki mc sangat. Ini first time aku mc flight Indian-route kot! I doubt diorang perasan la kan.

So anyway, I hope Karma will get their asses. Aku taknak doa specific, aku tak sampai hati. Kalau kalau memang aku ada tulah Raden ke Pangeran Jawa keee.. tak pasal pasal je. Aku memang pemarah, tapi rasanya belom lagi tahap busuk hati..
Also, kepada sahabat handai dan juga penumpang penumpang yang kurang bernasib baik, naik flight aku dari 31 Ogos sampai 10 September haritu.. harap maaf ye kalau virus virus aku dah termelekat kat korang. Sungguh, tak disengajakan..

So I'll ask nothing..

Last month I wrote to myself; no lingeries for two months!
hmmmphhh!!!
Bloody Victoria's Secret and its offers..

 So my "plan" to save up failed once more.
In my defense though.. It's not completely my fault! I was born a girl after all.. and isn't it a fact that the female sex is weaker to temptations? (Ask Eve! HAHAHHAHAHAHHA!)
Oh well.. not everything that I bought are for myself.

Things to buy once I get this month's pay (yes, I've already thought of it!); film scanner (I've looked it up at Low Yatt the other day.. I don't care, I'm getting one!) and an Instax for Izzati's birthday!
Apparently my niece is into photography as well.. and she especially loved my Instax after she had the chance to play around with it during our Raya photo-sesh. So I suppose it is my aunty-duty to encourage her...
sigh.. How do you get an 8-year-old to understand that photography is an expensive hobby though?

 Anyway... Nothing much going on lately other than my stormy mood.
I think I just need to stop having expectations.. Stop asking for things.. Stop dreaming..? hahahaha! I am going to sound nothing but morbid if I continue.
Oh.. hmmph.. Sometimes I forget what I want.

 #crewlife
I kinda made a lady cry before flight today. Apparently she and her husband and baby checked in late earlier so they were seated separately. I couldn't simply change their seats since she was at row 14; where the emergency exits were. Anyway, I left her for a bit while I attend to the other passengers board and looking for a place for her and her family. (It was a full flight from KK.. naturally!)

Just right before the door closes, I managed to talk two ladies into giving away their seats so this family could sit together.. and when I walked to the earlier lady to tell her the news, I found her crying! I asked the poor man seated next to her if he knew what was up and he confusedly shook his head. What's worse, that lady seemingly unable to hear me say that I've found her two seats for her and her family. (The git!)
Anyway, I went to her husband and asked him to get her moving so the two good ladies could sit down. 

Moral of the story?
Ask, and you shall receive. (Unless you're me, that is!) Tapi tolong jangan mengada nak nangis nangis boleh tak? Dah besau panjang koooot.. Kat public koooot.. isyk! She herself knew that they were late to check in. So? Nangis buat apaa? Salah sendiri kan? Buat orang susah hati je.. Nyampah!

Part Of Your World.

Sometimes my brain gets a little funny by having that The Little Mermaid soundtrack on loop.
Might be embarrassing (and slightly pathetic) to admit this but I've cried to it once.
I guess I couldn't help but still feel so foreign even when I'm with friends. An outsider. I suppose it's just one of those things that you get when you're so adamant to be yourself. A little side effect to your quirks.

I never wanted to be a simpleton. Maybe in the way that I live, but never in my mind. But I can't help feeling like there's a constant battle inside of me that I can't seem to shake off.

Being typical sends me the shivers and yet at the same time I don't want to be so different that no one could understand me!
But that's how I feel most times anyway. Different, even when I'm not trying to be.

I don't even know what I'm trying to say here!
Maybe I'm saying nothing..
Or maybe that I wish that some days.. Or at least someday.. Someone will finally get me. Someone who is ever so willingly to accept me for whoever that I am, no judgement. Someone that I can truly be myself with without fear. Someone whom catches me even before I fall. Someone who wouldn't have left me crying by myself if crying is what I felt like doing.

I can't help feeling so alone these days.
Patience is not my strong suit and I'm so tempted to wander off..

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Hole on my foot.

Apparently I am more accident prone when I'm unwell..

Hello readers! It's been a while!
Happy Eid-ul Fitr to all of you who celebrates it! I hope you guys paid your zakat, and remember how many days you missed during Ramadhan. heh!

My Raya was alright. At least I got the first day off and I still manage to beraya on the second day since my flight was in the morning.
Which reminds me.. I need to get an alarm clock!
(There's a long story that I don't feel like typing out, but to cut it short; I had a morning flight, and during the night my alarm AKA my bloody phone -- hanged! Pffft!)

Oh wow it's been such a long time.. I've been to Jakarta -- where I stubbornly went to HRC by myself -- and back. Went to Perth -- and got Jojo's phone number! (Hahahahhahahaha!! Sorry, inside joke *wink!*)

All the while being sick too! Fever, flu and cough is a terrible combo. A really terrible time to be on flight too!
Dear parents out there, I pray that you won't have to travel with your babies on a plane. The helplessness of not being able to help a child clear up their blocked ears is simply heartbreaking.

Good thing about being too busy to blog though; you won't have to read me write like a manic cow. Because pretty much, that's what I've been lately. Bloody mood swings.

Sometimes I feel sorry for Encem since he's the usual victim of my tantrums, but most times... Not really! If he'd taken better care of my heart I wouldn't have to be all emotional and crazy! Hahhahaha!

Oh well, you're going to die alone anyway. I should really get the words engraved to my brain. Romanticism makes me pathetic. I don't know why I need anyone to take care of me when I should be able to do it anyway. sigh..
Sometimes I wish I wasn't too much of a girl that I am.

Illusions of grandeur shall ruin me.

(See? Mood swings..)

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Sampai mati..

You're supposed to be more patient in the Ramadhan month.. The Holy month.
Lebih bersabar.. Lebih pemaaf..
It's not just about refraining yourself from eating and drinking, it's also about fighting off temptations and doubling your good deeds.

Time ni jugak kau akan nampak orang orang hipokrit, orang orang yang kuat buat alasan.. And people who surprises you (which happens to be my personal favourite!)

Aku suka bila fly, ada Cina or Indian yang puasa sama ngan kau. Dia tau sebab yang Muslim tengah puasa, so dia pun hormat, tak makan depan orang..
Tak ramai crew macam ni, tapi ada.. Aku suka!
Tapi ada juga yang ala ala tak larat, pukul 10 pagi dah berbuka.. Paling hebat, tech crew! Pastu berani tanya aku dah makan ke. Macam ni ke kau nak jadi leader? Haihh.. Sedih rasanya.

Then ada orang yang macam aku, yang tak buat anything different dari bulan bulan lain selain daripada tak makan dan minum waktu siang hari. Amalan baik yang aku buat -- sama. Benda tak elok yang aku buat -- sama. So orang takleh kata aku hipokrit. "Tak makan saman", YESS..

Anyway, here's a confession.. Harini aku banyak gila mencarut. Tapi yang hebatnya tak satu pun terlepas kat mulut. Dalam hati semuanya.. Tapi apa beza dalam hati ngan kalau sebut, ye dak? Sama je tak elok.

Sungguh aku sakit hati harini. Sakiiiiit sangat. Menyampah nak mampos sangat sampai aku MALAS nak carik makan untuk berbuka. Masih dikira ke puasa aku ni pun? Whatever, aku mogok lapar. Perasan jadi Gandhi kejap.

Apakah kesinambungan orang yang kau sayang sajalah yang boleh buat kau menangis? Memang buat aku marah. Aku taknak sayang sesape dah, boleh tak??
Aku letih bila toleh kiri kanan, aku takde sape pun yang boleh kasi pinjam bahu kejap. Lelah hati tau taakkk??

Fedap aku sikit sikit camni. Kau admit kau sayang aku, and yet tak sekali pon kau support my emotional needs. What the hell is your problem?!! And yes, it is YOUR problem sebab last time aku check aku tak mintak benda lain pon dari kau.
And yet sampai hati kau biar aku terkonting konting kat sini.. Sampai mati aku ingat.

Benci. I hate myself for hating all these people! Aku letih!!
Sudah.. No more shopping for me. Aku nak simpan duit banyak banyak pastu nak pergi jauh dari sini. Gi mampos semuanya!

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The good life.

I am truly loving life at the moment..
Alhamdulillah..
It's times like this when I just can't help being grateful to the life I've been given.

Anyway, currently in Incheon. Indubitably feeling glad that I was blessed with this part of my roster. You have no idea how long I've been waiting for an awesome 738 trip! Hahahha..
Good things comes to those who wait, my friends. heehee

My set were so-so, but I am really enjoying the company of one of my stewardesses.
She's an awesome Pisces. I bet I won't get the chance to fly with her again.. sigh.

Oh well, my bags are packed. I miss the comforts of home. I miss Encem even though I saw him in KK the other day. I'm excited to show Dida what I bought for her and Kina's Kiddies! I am also excited about the two days off I am getting.
Hehehe I miss home!!! Hihihihi

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Fixation with Photography.

It may not have show in this blog, but I really do love photography.
Been crazy about it since I was young.
Funny enough though, I never personally own a digital camera! The Konica-Minolta I've been using is actually Dida's. (Like a bunch of other things that I "own".. hahaha!)

What I do have is a Nikon SLR, Supersampler, Fujifilm Instax 210 and recently added to my collection is a Spinner 360°. Oh yes, I'm a film-freak!
I know I should probably own a DSLR by now but honestly I just couldn't be bothered by it -- just yet. Too bulky to carry around, and the one small enough that I might like costs too much. (And yes, I used the word "cost" instead of "worth" because like I said.. I just couldn't be bothered by it just yet.)

I remember my first functional camera being a Kodak point-and-shoot that I bought for fifty Ringgit. It didn't even come in a box! I think I was in standard five or six.. Fifty ringgit required some weeks of saving. And getting the films developed was pricey too! (Still is, honestly.)

Oh well, it did the job back then.
When I got to high school I joined the Photography Club -- which means free pass to leave the class when there were "events" in the school. Trust me to find a legit excuse to skip class. heh heh hehh.

Then I went to college and got the Nikon FM10 while my friends got themselves a semi-automatic.
Playing with the settings and the cable release are just too funny sometimes..
Oh well, I love this camera. I have no idea how old it really is. I bought it in 2004 in a second-hand shop in Pertama Complex. It takes awesome pictures. Well, I take awesome pictures.. hahahha! I get a different feel when I'm using an SLR instead of a point-and-shoot. I have to say that I miss using this camera. I still have it with me, it moves with me each time I move into a different place but I just couldn't bring myself to carry it around where ever. But I'd bring it to Europe again if I get the chance, definitely!

The Supersampler and Instax 210.. Captures movements in four frames and looks like a Polaroid respectively. I find it hard to take awesome pictures with these since you require natural light to get the best exposure. The picture will come out too dark if you take indoors with the Supersampler while using the flash on the Instax gives out a pretty harsh light on the subject. sigh.

So anyway, I haven't tried out my new toy though.. I'm assuming that it needs natural light as well, so I've gotta wait until I'm doing some outdoor activity. hahaha!

Oh yeah... since I've bought a bunch of lingerie this past month, I am trying to tell myself that I have enough -- so NO LINGERIE FOR TWO MONTHS! huhuuu.. I should make it three, but I know I can't help a good deal..
Been thinking about getting a film scanner, so I wouldn't have to spend too much money on getting prints. It should be a good investment as I wish to resurrect my passion for photography..

Hey budak gemok!

Pantang betul aku bila orang pandang rendah cabin crew nih.. Nak je aku reply, "kalau kau TERE sangat, kau jadi la cabin crew!"
Tapi bila difikirkan balek, kalau aku dah menyampah kat orang tu, nak ke aku dia jadi cabin crew? Eeee yakeng! Tak sudi ye.

Oh well, time time camni la aku kene grow up, let go of my anger.. Aku tak rugi apa pun jadi cabin crew. It's not as if aku takde choice lain KENE jadi cabin crew. Dah aku memang NAK, so I just have to accept these low minded people. Kan? Work hazard katanya..

Sungguh aku bangga jadi cabin crew. I've never imagined myself being proud of a desk job.. "Woohooo aku seorang accountant!!" Hahahahhahahaha (no offence to the accountants out there..)
Everyone has their calling; and mine is to melayan pe'el passenger sambil jalan jalan tengok dunia.

Kalau lah aku tak buang masa dulu sambung study lepas SPM.. I wish I had joined the airline straight from school! But when I think about it, if I had done that.. I wouldn't have known some bunch of people whom had touched my life. Ramai kot..
My screw ups definitely turned me into the person I am today, dan sikit pun aku tak menyesal. Syukur alhamdulillah!

Alhamdulillah jugak sebab aku dah pandai bergaduh tanpa mengeluarkan kata kata kesat. Tak ke macam budak budak jadinya kalau bergaduh camni;
A: kau bodoh!
B: kau lagi bodoh!
A: manade, kau lagi bodoh la.
B: kau bangang!
A: kau lagi bangang!
Hahhahahahaha! Sampai esok tak sudah.. Oh well, I'm proud to say that my parents taught me better than that! Hahahhaahahahahaha

Adohai.. Kelakarnye time zaman skolah.. Oops! Dah terkeluar topik!

Anyway, later harini kene buka dalam aircraft lagi.. Tak best. But at least tonight I'll be in a hotel room where I won't be reminded of the emptiness at home.
But for now, I really should get some more sleep!

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Kisah mak sentap diam diam..

My batch during training weren't known for anything. We were quite close-knit to each other I guess. When we got online, everyone went along with everything and anyone.. So there isn't any particular person whose famous for their "attitude" or work ethics.

So usually when someone asks me who was in my batch, I'd list out their names.. and people won't recognise any of them. Even if they did, they'd take a long pause before describing their looks.. Sometimes they got it right.

Today I flew with one of my twin-batches.. I didn't know her.. She was unfamiliar to me. She then suddenly asked if I was in the same batch as Encem.

Ehhhhhhhhh????

Of all the names, she mentioned Encem!
Terkejut.. Sentap..
Why Encem??
I smiled.. Tried not to claim my "territory" by actually saying that Encem is my boyfriend. huhuuu..

I think I was jealous. I suppose I could say that I hated it when another girl uttered his name. Pshhh! Especially when the girl in question said that she had suddenly thought of him.. Hmmph!

Apparently they did a Manila nightstop together a while back, and she happened to just got back from Manila before she joined my set.
Yea yeaaa..

Anyway, I liked that girl. We yapped a lot during the flight. Good thing that she never mentioned Encem's name again afterwards. Hahahhahahahha!!


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Title-less new entry.

So it's been a while..
I have been thinking of writing something for the blog but I just couldn't find anything worth sharing. So pardon me if this entry seems a bit unworthy.

Today happens to be my Fiance's birthday. heehee. Not exactly parents-approved fiance. Just someone that I call my fiance since Raya '99.
Anyway, I am finding myself missing a lot of people from my past lately. Not that I am not thankful for my life today, but I wish I hadn't been so easy to move on and forget where I've been.

I suppose you could say that I am actually the "right-now" kind of person. I get immersed with what ever that's in front of me now to remember the old stories or think ahead. My closest friends are ever-changing. Unlike Encem whose had the same comrades since school.

I've been reading some old entries and here's what I find;
1. Gemini-guys had always been sweet to me. I think they've simply figured out how to be a "friend" and when to turn on the charms.. (and yes, Encem is a Gemini.)
2. Bahijah used to be really funny! Not saying that she's not anymore.. but I haven't had the chance to see or even talk to her in ages..!
3. I used to really hate cigarettes and smokers -- as all people who smokes, I think. hahahahha!

I have this one thought floating around in my head.. but I don't think I can write about it. It's just something that shouldn't be accepted in our society. (To be truth, I think a lot of my thoughts aren't something that's acceptable in this society! hahahhaha!)

My dear Bestie,

Thank you for being such a good buddy.
Ever so patiently, listening to me whine about my boy-troubles. I'm pretty sure you get tired of listening to them as much as I do experiencing them, if not more..

I know being the man in the middle of the commotion is not fun. Having to keep all the secrets are never fun when you intend to keep them. heh. But I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being that man.

A part of me is sorry that you are friends with this hard-to-please person; constantly finding things that she is unhappy of. I truly am. Sometimes I feel stupid after saying so many things to you. Well, I meant all those things at the time I said it..
I'm emotional.. and brash. I suppose you already knew that.

I honestly wish that I'm stronger.. Capable of figuring things out on my own without having to spill my guts first to you. I'm like a fish in the river with people who thinks that "catch and release" is a sport; I was caught.. released.. Caught again.. released again...

So, sorry.. For having to listen to my complaints and sad stories over and over again..
Do know that I truly appreciate you for sticking around. You are awesome! I'm a lucky girl for having you as a friend.

Sincerely,
Caught Again.

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Gadis liar.

Kadang kadang time aku jiwa kacau ni teringin nak merasa gi party party.. Mabok mabok.. Dansa sampai esok pagi... Tapi aku rasa aku dah terlalu tua nak start. Hahahhahahaha!!

Culture shock umor 27 tahun? Tak kena gayanye...

So it makes me wonder.. Cemana bebudak zaman sekarang ni 'start' meliar eh? Time aku gi Wet World, diorang dah start 'hit the clubs' kee?
Atau maybe diorang dah practice their dance moves while aku gi meeting Persatuan Puteri Islam? Hmmm..
(Btw, usah ditanya cemana aku terjebak masuk Puteri Islam.. Aku pun ala ala blur..)

Anyway, aku tengah kebosanan.. Kebosanan, kebingungan lagi keletihan. Sungguh aku cakap, mental-wise aku tak kuat. Mungkin sebab tu aku ni senget sikit. Mungkin sebab itu aku patut ingat Tuhan lebih..

Adohai.. Aku rasa pusing pusing masalah aku ni saaaama je. Entah bila aku nak setelkan "masalah" yang satu ni. Aku ni pun satu hal.. Senang sangat distracted. Benci betul. Dapat senang sikit, terus lupa isu penting.

Bila laa nak blajar ni Wanie oii...

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That rookie mistake.

Kelmarin aku tertumpahkan jus oren kat passenger. Isyk. Dahlaa aku keje Business Class. Sungguh aku terasa bongok! Entahlaa.. bila dah keje dua tahun, aku tak rasa ada sebab aku boleh tertumpahkan air kat passenger. Ego aku tercabar disitu. Tapi entahlah.. dua tiga hari ni aku memang clumsy lebih. Aku memang jenis yang clumsy, tapi dua tiga harini memang berlebih lak. Dua tiga kali tertumpah gelas tapi kat diri sendiri je, so macam tak heran.. Sekali kena kat passenger.. cam gila aku mintak maaf kat dia.
Alhamdulillah dia okay je. Siap cakap, "don't cry over it," hahahahahha!! So korang boleh imagine kot how profusely I apologized to this man. haihh.. still.. Terasa down disitu.

Aku tengah fasa konfius ngan diri sendiri ni. Separuh hati teringin nak see what's so green about the grass on the other side.. Separuh hati kata aku patut stick to one thing for a change.
Hati aku ni senang sangat berubah.. Being "loyal" is actually a challenge.
Pasal kerja.. bukan aku stay sebab comfortable. To be honest aku bosan duk pusing pusing tempat sama; bulan ni saja aku sampai tiga kali double-Kuching nightstop! Bosan! Nak kata aku Kuching crew, kalau orang local cakap ngan aku, satu hape aku tak paham! Mimpi la aku nak baca Utusan Sarawak tu.. tergeliat lidah nak membacanya..

Aku rindu Europe. Tolonglah jangan cakap pasal plan plan Euro-trip korang. Aku rasa nak nangis. Kalau lah aku fluent in Dutch, dah lama dah aku apply KL ataupun BA walaupun dia takde opening. hahahahah! Tak kira la kalau kawan kawan aku nanti flying mothers.. sungguh aku tak kira!
haihh.. aku tengah sedih sebab aku konfius. Sungguh aku tak suka this feeling where I feel like I'm "running". Aku tak tau dah if challenging myself this way is a good thing.

Roster bulan depan alhamdulillah aku dapat trip 738 Incheon. hehehe. Takde laa gempak sangat tapi sebab orang lain semua dah dapat.. aku je laa pusing pusing Delhi ngan Taipei memanjang. So, finally! Turn aku lak, yeyyyey! Lepas tu tak ada Airbus ngan standby yang amat dibencikan. *sengih* And kalau kalendar kuda tak tipu, maka beraya bersama keluarga lah aku..
Rasa cam tak percaya je.. aku ni dah laa jenis tak apply cuti raya. So we'll see how lah. Maybe sebab aku dah lama tak balek rumah kot, rasa cam rinduuu je kat rumah dua tiga hari ni. Mama Papa pun bukan makin muda, ye dak?

Kadang kadang aku takut kalau diorang tak sempat tengok aku kawen.. or kenal anak anak aku.. Nak jugak aku tengok anak aku kena marah ngan atuk nenek diorang. (Kenapa kena marah? Sebab aku assume kalau anak anak aku, musti perangai nakal, kepala batu cam aku.. hahahaha! Adeh, tak keluar lagi dah bikin hati geram..)
Semua orang pun aku rindu sekarang, cemana? Encem yang ala ala hari hari gak aku jumpa pun aku rindu..

Siang tadi barang yang aku beli online sampai. Garang betul orang DHL ketuk mangga grill umah aku tadi.

Aku rasa aku lagi suka beli barang online.. Rasa excited lebih! Rasa cam stalker abes bila dia kasi tracking number. Sikit sikit aku refresh. Barang aku dari Portland.. Pegi Cincinnati.. pastu ke Hong Kong.. then entah cemana tersesat ke Shenzen.. pastu balek Hong Kong.. and then tau tau dah kat Subang! hihihi..

Tapi itulah.. sebab senang sangat sekarang nak shopping, aku rasa aku kena set berapa maximum amount aku boleh spend online setiap bulan. 100USD cam tak cukuup je. HAHAHHAHAHAHAH!! (Aku memang overrr.) So sekarang aku tengah pikir barang apa yang aku LEBIH nak.. isyk.
Aku ni suka benau buat pening diri sendiri..
Anyway, yang penting, bulan ni nekad nak bukak akaun untuk simpan duit tiap bulan. Haritu konon bukak Maybank untuk simpan duit. End up bukak Maybank jadi lebih berbelanja gara gara senangnya nak membuang duit pakai debit card. Isyk isyk isyk ISYKKK!!

Dah! Tak mau tulis dah. Aku ni balek dari flight, remove mekap pastu duk depan laptop. Ntah pape. Excited sebab finally dapat dua hari off!
Ohh! Update pasal aku pegi ofis aritu.. End up aku dah ada satu misconduct sebab hanta mc lambat. Terima kasihlah syaitann! Lambat sikit pun nak berkira.. (Okaylaa.. lambat macam tiga minggu camtu..) Tapi oyy! Aku hanta okaayyy.. A real medical leave letter, bukan surat Papa tulis macam time time skolah dulu.. hmmph! Nyampah. Buat sakit ati je jumpa ngan Fleet Adviser aritu. Kata warning, tapi masuk gak dalam file.. papelahh!
Yang penting, aku dah buat dah 2nd cycle Crew Performance Check (CPA) aku.. wheee! Dah tak payah nak pikir dah untuk masa enam bulan. Malas!

Nak cutiii!! Rawrr!

No Air.

..perasaan cinta gila separuh mati.
Kalau berbalas, best lah. Kalau bertepuk sebelah tangan.. tertonggeng kecewa.

I admit, I have my days. I also admit that I tend to be overly emotional at "that time of the month". Funny how God made our body work. Is it 'healthy' to let one lose control of their emotions? I think not.

Remind me not to take leave around the time I'm PMSing. So happens that I was late last month. I actually skipped last month! You would think that after fourteen years you'd have a stable cycle.. psshh!

I was on standby this past few days. Called up to Male on the first day. (It's a night flight; so they can't call me on the second day.) Yesterday I was called up for JHB nightstop.. Which was awesome because Encem was doing a JHB nightstop as well! I was joining a different set which is good 'cause I don't like working with him. hehe
My point; feels like God's telling me that I should be with him. Hahahhahahahhahaha! Trust me to take a coincidence and interpret is as fate/destiny..

So anyway, I'm in JHB..
Trying to fight off a cold. Been feeling a tad under the weather for a while but my body seems to have managed to fight off any real illness so far. I was comparing medical book with a colleague yesterday before flight. I've used almost two pages of the book while she'd used up five! Hahahahaha. I thought it was amusing.

I'm dreading tomorrow.. Of having to commute to the office to see my Fleet Advisor because "apparently" I hadn't submitted my mc letter -- in JANUARY! Dah enam bulan pun nak berkira. Bengap. Macam la aku suka suka nak mc. And macam la senang nak dapat mc in the first place pun!! Grrr.. One day off pun nak kacau. Cinabeng.

Moving on, I need to keep my spending in check. I bought a couple of panties the other day just because I was LAZY to do the laundry! See, money ruined me.
Which reminds me, I haven't gone back to Shah Alam in a while. I've had lunch with Mama last Friday and saw HP7 Part 2 with Dida that night.. I now feel like I owe Papa a breakfast.. hehe.

I hope next month's roster will be out by tomorrow. Just looking forward to see the off days honestly. I refuse to feel any excitement for the flights I might (not) get. Ughh. Getting disappointed BLOWS!

Oh well, I should get some more sleep.
Have a good day everyone! Take good care of yourself, and your loved ones..

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Your Love Is My Drug

I don't care what people say
The rush is worth the price I pay
I get so high when you're with me
But crash and crave you when you are away..

Pernah karaoke lagu Ke$ha tak? Bapak kelakar.. kau cakap cakap cakap pastu tetiba nyanyi time chorus. Bengong. Ke$ha yang bengong. (Cakap cam kawan je..)

Anyway, kepada Kera Anak Ikan Patinku yang kusayang-tapi-kadang kadang-menyampah, Selamat Ulangtahun yang Ke-2. Congratulations kat saya je sebab awak dah penah merasa kan being in a relationship for two years dengan pompuan mana ntah.
Aku ni je yang ala ala susah sangat nak commit, umor 27 tahun baru first time merasa being in a long-term relationship. Bengong. Aku yang bengong.
Honestly aku pun tatau cemana boleh sampai dua tahun ni.Lama betul rasanya. Kalau ikutkan dah banyak kali sangat dah sedih, makan hati, gaduh bagai.. Kera, awak ada bakat hypnotize orang eh?

Terima kasih lah sebab banyak bersabar dengan saya. (Saya pun banyak bersabar dengan awak!) Terima kasih juga sebab awak tak give up untuk cuba kasi yang terbaik kat saya. Saya tau, tak senang untuk awak layan kerenah saya. Biaselah.. orang tua.. paham paham je la.. hihihi

Anyway, moving on..
When I applied for my leave, I had the sun and beach in mind.. I was really hoping that I would be away from home. An actual holiday where I'd come home with a bit of tan and a funny story to tell.
But tomorrow's my last day off.. and I'd went nowhere.
I'm disappointed honestly. Aku tak tau apa nak cakap. Tapi kemungkinan besar aku kecewa dengan diri sendiri. Entahlah..

Kadang kadang aku pikir lebih baik aku berdiam diri daripada aku cakap benda yang orang tak suka nak dengar. Tapi apakah pointnye bila kau diam tu, end up semua orang hidup berpura pura. Atas alasan tak mahu kecikkan hati orang lain. Hati kecik kau, sape nak kesiankan?

Hmmph.. dah. Aku tak nak blog pasal ni dah. Dah aku sakit hati sendiri. Bengong.
Aku memang bengong.

Lama gak menyepi..

Amusingly, a junior; just five-months flying, told me recently that on first impression he thought that I was the bitchy-type..
Well, damn straight boy! Hahahahhaha
Terkejut sekejap sebenarnye, tapi kalau difikirkan aku memang ala ala malas nak layan orang sangat. And I get that my honesty can be a little harsh sometimes. Oh well..

Haritu aku buat flight airbus ke Delhi. Alhamdulillah set semua okay. Aku bersyukur sangat aku tak mc. Rugi kot kalau tak pegi. Passenger takde la teruk sangat. (Teruk la juga kan..) Tapi sebab set semua supportive and tak menyusahkan, memang rasa bersyukur sangat lah!
Lepas flight sempat lak nak duduk lepak sama.. Pegi breakfast sama.. Lepas tu aku end up keluar jalan dengan Captain, Chief, and a very senior steward.
Oh! And apa yang aku beli kat sana? Monopoly set dengan harga INR 399 -- adelaa dalam RM 30 camtu. HAHAHAHAHHAHA!! Best. Menyesal tak bawak check in bag, kalau tak aku dah borong lagi banyak board games.

Harini hari kedua annual leave aku sebenarnye. Tak ke mana pun. hmmph.
Agak mengecewakan.
Tapi rumah semak, so patut aku stay je rumah and kemaskan rumah kot. But still.. Jalan jalan time keje dengan jalan jalan time cuti lain..
Aku nak gi bercutiiiiii!!!