A quick one.

Last day in Ho Chi Minh City..

It hasn't been a great start to the day.. so I'm moody.
I'll write again when I find my mood.
Maybe I'm just tired.
I HOPE it's only because I am tired, because honestly if it's something else then I would have a bad attitude for the rest of this trip!

I'll write again soon hopefully.
pffft!
Just feeling so shitty despite being on "holiday".

On the job.

I think I've once said that I love the fact that I didn't call my work as "work"..
A job that I wouldn't call a "job".
I suppose I need to take it back, now.

I never minded working on holidays or the weekends, but I now find myself irked by it.
If I am forced to be working on ground, why am I deprived of lazing in the weekends? Right?

I know that I've been complaining a lot. To be honest, I am just bored.. I am simply demotivated to wake up everyday.. put on my uniform.. making my way to work, but really going nowhere. I feel stuck.

Encem did his last flight yesterday.. I saw his name on the "Resigned list" at the office and couldn't help myself feeling sad about it. It's like an end of an era of some sorts.
The gang started out with 6; one got married and had a baby.. one left for medical reasons.. and Encem left because he was.. bored? Frustrated..? I don't know..
I honestly don't know how to answer to people's questions about him.
Sure, he's my boy.. but I don't feel right to say anything about his life. I don't know, maybe we are an odd sort of couple.

Anyway, then there's three.. Mumu, Bestie and I..
Mumu's married, so at least there's some kind of a progress there. So now there's just us two, Bestie!
What are we going to do with our lives...?

Oh well.. that sounds like something to think deeply about.. In someplace awaaay from the workplace! Definitely not from the spot where I am right now. hehe.
An ex of mine tied the knot today. One is engaged, now one is married.. Good thing I only have four ex-es. And good thing that I have no idea about the other two of them. This is as stagnant as I'm willing to be!

I'm looking forward to my holiday with Dida! Just two days away.. I'm excited!
Now.. two and a half hours to go before I get to go home!

First day of Eid.

27-years old, and today was the first time that I had to spend the first of Syawal away from home.
I wish I was in someplace new and exciting but no, I had to work at the lounge from seven 'til four! It's sad...
What's sadder is that I'll be working on the same hours tomorrow.

I'm really not crazy about my life right now. My feet hurts, my mind's wary for getting shitty sleep at night. I've been getting less than 3 hours of sleep for the past couple of nights, and I don't know why. I just can't seem to get my eyes shut.

The only awesome thing about anything is the bit where my family packed me a HUGE feast of Raya-food the previous night for me to enjoy here.
I feel like a kid for being spoiled this way..
Sadly, I am simply too tired now to heat them up and no one is around to enjoy it with/for me.

Anyway, I thank God for my family..
Thank God that time and time again I am forgiven for my faults and sins; that my family takes my crap, yet still loves me.
I probably don't deserve any of it, but thank God!

Alhamdulillah...

And as for you readers, I pray that you'll have a good Syawal.. I apologize for my tactlessness in my entries and all those vulgar words I threw in every chance that I get..
Selamat Hari Raya!

Heart-headache.

I chose a song from the playlist in the player..
It wasn't something that I've heard before. It was slow, jazzy and sounded romantic. Intimate.
I walked towards the bedroom, the door was slightly ajar.
I peeked through and saw the back of a plump woman with long wavy hair getting out of bed, wearing an oversized shirt and nothing else.
I moved to my right to see the rest of the bedroom and met with a disappointment as I saw him in bed topless, the crumpled bedsheet covering his privates. A smile stretched across his face as he looked on to the woman who was moving about the room.

I was invisible to them. He was oblivious of me standing there, staring, gaping...
Screaming inside.

...aaand that was my cue to wake up!

I call this, "Mimpi yang sangat babi".
Of course when I told Encem about it he assured me that it was just a dream.
Sure sure.. it was a dream. Doesn't mean that I could just forget about it. The emotions were real. Or at least felt SO real to me. I was so confused.. still is, to be truth. And upset. Mostly because I don't know how to let it go. And knowing that it isn't really Encem's fault to begin with.

Just a day after I told Bestie that I haven't had a dream in a while; at least none that I could remember to talk about in the morning...
THIS!
After months, probably.. I had to dream about THIS! Of Encem's infidelity.
grrrrr...

Though it was just a dream.. I am still disappointed. So disappointed that I don't feel like smiling or even try to laugh about it.
I think I've told Encem plenty of times before to always be honest with me. Even if honesty is going to hurt me. That if he ever got bored of me, he should say it to me first before going out to find other sources of entertainment.

Perhaps I should remind him this.

Anyway, I know for a fact that I've been feeling lonely lately. Work's been all too consuming that we mostly spend our free time sleeping.
I honestly need a good, long vacation. And a conversation that is worth my time.

Short breaks and distractions just doesn't cut it anymore.

Bak pungguk rindukan bulan..

I'm on my flying week!
Wooooohoooooo!!!
I cannot tell you how good it is to be flying again. I needed my dose of the aerial view of the world oh-so badly!!
Not too keen that the weather's been hazy, but I'll take whatever that I can get!

It's so gooood to be going somewhere again. To talk about travelling.. Evening plans, be it only in Kuching.. Vent as much as I want about my days in the lounge.. Hear others vent about their flights not having enough crew.. Joke about passengers.. Everything!
I've missed it all..

I absolutely love that I flew with friends today.. Bumped into (walked by at the corner of a small hallway, really) my favourite leading in the morning; I gasped out of surprise -- should've at least said hi -- he responded with a chuckle.. Thanks!
I've come to terms that I might actually, honestly, have a little crush on him. Teehee!

I really hope that I could fly full-time again soon.. Before I get too tired of it all.
I'm tired that I have no time for anything while I'm working at the lounge. Freakin' forty two hours a week is just mad!! Freakin' forty two hours a week for three bloody weeks in a month is just fucked up, I tell you!
We are a damn fine bunch of flight attendants and the company had clipped our wings. Just thinking about it gets me all worked up.

Friends are leaving for the 'other' airline. Can't say that I'm unaffected. My only reason for staying now is my sheer refusal to join THAT airline.
I still want to fly..
I still want to travel..
I still want to find things I could laugh about in random people..
Sigh.

I'd hate to seem disloyal, but I need to find my happy place again.

The last straw.

"I poured my heart out into an empty coffee cup, you drank it up and left me here to drown, alone.."
Dumb Like That by Vroom.

Apalah aku nak buat nieee...

I'm in a horrible rut.
In a dire need of change. A huge need to do something that I'm contemplating to shave my head. ha-ha!
Feels like I always go to bed in a bad mood.
Severely unhappy. And hopeless. And hateful.

I deserve so much more than this.

Tekanan Perasaan.

Dah start keje "baru" dua hari..

Although dalam kepala takde laa rasa letih sangat, emosi terasa kurang stabil.

Tanda tanda keletihan yang menyusup dalam diam.

Also the fact that I'm surrounded by mangkuk hayun.

First day on the job aku dah dapat name card seorang pakcik (of course!) yang janji nak bawak aku jalan kalau aku ke Canton.

Aku pun tatau kenapa jejaka yang muda mudi tak pernah nak ajak aku berbual.

At the same time, aku tahu exactly kenapa aku layan pakcik pakcik ni..

As for this pakcik, aku respect the fact that he's 70 years old, but could easily pass as early 50's. Chinese, six-footer, travelled the world, family around the continent, still very much in love with his wife after forty years of marriage.

Dia nasihatkan aku untuk enjoy life, jangan cepat sangat settle down. Sama je macam Papa cakap kat aku dulu dulu time aku baru nak start menggatal.

Boleh tahan lama aku layan pakcik ni, bebudak lain lalu lalang dok tengook je aku. But I can't help myself when somebody shares their philosophy with me. Pakcik ni dok pegang the same cracker with cheese entah berapa lama sebab asyik sangat berbual.

Pakcik ni pesan kat aku, bila nak cari pasangan, cari somebody yang sama 70% dengan aku..

Perbedaan yang terlalu besar akan create jurang in time. As time passes, your interests may change so the percentage pun akan berubah. Kebarangkalian untuk that percentage menurun adalah lebih tinggi, so kalau turun jadi 60%.. still okaylah -- bak kata dia. Kelakar juga bila fikir yang dia masukkan unsur matematik dalam mencari pasangan, but to me it made total sense.

He's been happily married for forty years, after all.

Dia still buy presents for his wife. Flowers and chocolates, just because. And while he was saying all this, he had this look that convinced me that he was speaking the truth.

I couldn't hide my surprise so he said;

Marriage is not an institution, it's an extension of the courtship..

..and at that time mata aku start berair.

Betapa skeptical nya aku selama ni sampai a simple line buat aku tersentuh.

Memang wujud rupanya orang macam ni.

Mungkin aku tersentuh sebab aku tahu memang itu lah yang aku carik.

40 years of marriage.. And choosing to be in it, every single day.

Aku mengaku aku tak jumpa lagi. And now mata aku berair lagi, sebab aku tahu what that exactly means..

These days aku rasa macam aku slowly letting go of life. I am not the captain of my life any longer. Sama macam keje aku.

Bila orang tanya aku nak stay ke walaupun kene buat keje merepek ni, jawapan aku senantiasa "stay dulu.. for now."

I wish I had a different answer. One that is more certain. I wish I am more certain of what I really want in life. I want to choose to live every single day. But my general view of life now is just.. "whatever.."

It's probably been half a decade since I first made the wish but up to this day, I still find myself longing for "happiness".

I'm jealous of that pakcik. I'm tearing up out of jealousy. Sure, I never knew what he'd gone through to get to this part of his life. Where he talks about his family with such affection and fondness. Tapi aku nak itu, please.

I want to stop the longing.

I want to be proud of myself.

I want to stop questioning about my choices in life every other day.

I want to stop wishing for a partial amnesia.

I don't want to end up regretting this past few years in the future.

Most of all, aku tak nak lagi tetiba nangis denga lagu Enrique Iglesias.. of all people!

Aurora..

Of all the things that I read about the shooting..
One fact stuck in my mind;

The shooter's birthday was 13th December..

I pointed this out to Papa, told him to watch his back and he responded;
"..but the shooting is at a cinema..."

When I pointed that to Dida, she said;
"He's a guy.. (Sagittarius) guys are different."

HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHA!!
I love my family for that.

Dead Hearts.

I'd been secretly asking for a change.
But this isn't exactly what I had in mind. People say to be careful of what you wish for -- and I know, this had never been my wish. It isn't mine, and I shall not blame myself for it.

I haven't even started my new job and I am not at all looking forward to it. All the stories I've heard, seeing Encem plopped onto the sofa the second he gets home.. Bestie feeling all low..
I don't see how I could start with a single positive thought in my mind.

I am demotivated, demoralized and definitely deteriorating.
I'm simply not in love.

Except the fact that I'm having some sort of a get-away at the moment, being in Shah Alam. Seeing Dida and the parents everyday makes me feel like the troubles at the workplace is somewhat a distant memory. This, I love. I am safe here.. for now.

I can say it, but you won't you believe me.
You say you do, but you don't deceive me.
It's hard to know they're out there,
It's hard to know that you still care.
I can say it, but you won't you believe me.
You say you do, but you don't deceive me.
Dead hearts are everywhere!
--Stars

I'm trying..

It's days like these when I find myself trying.. struggling, to cast away the spoiled brat in me.

Let's just say that I'm not having any fun.
Just as I was looking forward to this day.
I had wanted to get my hands on the bloody coffee machine but everyone else can't seem to get their hands off it!!
So yeah.. I'm a brat.
And now I'm just uninterested.

I suppose I should've expected this. I should have expected that I would be disappointed instead.
I suppose at this point I should have expected that I won't be having any fun the moment I took a step out the door.
Pffft! What was I thinking.

I know, I know.. I shouldn't be making such a big deal about this but like I said, I'm a brat..

O yeah, thank you for reading me rant. I'm just killing time until I get to go back!

Hello.

Thought for the day...

Plato said; Be kind, as everyone is fighting a harder battle than you.



So what if you're fighting a losing battle..?

Never here.

I know I've been quiet.
It's been a week filled with disappointments.
I suppose I'll take the most recent thing to write about;

My Maybank debit card's details was somehow stolen.
After a year of breezy, unproblematic shopping online.. two days ago my statement showed me an unauthorized purchase to Amazon -- a store which I had never bought anything from.
Yeah, I'm pissed.
I've talked to Maybank. But apparently I still need to make an official report -- with a form and pen.
I've emailed Amazon and I really hope that they could help me get back my money.
I tried asking the Boyfriend to help me get to the bank.. but I guess he's too busy to help out.

He's never around when I am feeling my lowest.
I guess I have that to think about.

Training hadn't been great either.
Sure, I understood whatever crap that they taught us. All the questions that I voiced out was not out of interest. I simply wanted to make my life easier in the future. I'm a total nerd that way.

Anyway. I'm sad. And angry. Just upset, really.
So I think I'll just head to bed early tonight.

Sorry if this isn't the post that you're expecting after a week of silence...
I'm just bored of being stuck.

Sleepless.

I stumbled upon an old article about Halal meats being used in McDonald's in a western country.. and how it made such a big issue.
My first thought; why the hate?
Some of the issues brought up was that slaughtering is cruel -- stunning is more humane.
There's even a comment that Muslims have middle-age notion for that.

....

Then I read a comment how the issue came down to Judaism and Christianity forbade both Jews and Christians from eating meat sacrificed to another God.
That made me chuckle a bit.
I suppose everyone has their beliefs. I happen to believe that there is ONE God... we just happen to call Him by different names.

And then there's one that believed pork could be Halal.
THAT was just too funny.
In case there's anyone who has no Muslim friends and is not at all familiar with Halal meat stumbled upon this entry, here's the four-one-one;

Muslims can eat meat -- only if they are slaughtered in the Muslim way.
Seafood is pretty much Halal; they have no necks to slaughter anyway.
Pork will never be Halal.
Of course there's a little more to it, like there are certain animals that we can't eat even if we slaughter it.. but I myself have forgotten a huge chuck of that, so I would simply decline any offers to crocodile or tiger's meat. Something about animals with fangs and claws and lives in two habitats..

Oh well, two goals for Spain so far..
I didn't watch a single game of this year's EURO.. How times have changed.

Me and my bubble.

Ah, turned out I was in a pretty foul mood after all.
I did go for my flight, but I can honestly say that I wasn't my cheery self.
Although I did get my usual amusement by those passengers; one actually held up the plastic wrapped blanket and asked me what it was.

Anyway, I finally cut my hair.
As in cut it short.
And the last time I had it short was October 2007!
..and now it's even shorter than my hair then. heehee!

I really am not in the mood for anything right now. Other than picturing myself sitting in a bubble. Soundless with an exception of my favourite Blue October songs. Floating high above everything and everyone.
But here I am glued to the ground. With those songs blasted through my earphones.

To MC or not to MC..

--that is the question..

Congratulations to me, the letter says I'm a permanent flight stewardess; but I am transferred to Golden Lounge for two years. whoopeedee-doo-daa.
Such an odd letter to receive.
I guess I'm not in such a terrible mood now. At least I'll be among friends. We'd probably flip the ground around, backward and forwards. I'm already brushing my flirting skills since I was told that we could take tips now. Bahhahahah! Niat langsung tak murni..

So my last flight; for the time being, would be tonight to Hyderabad. I'm having an on-and-off fever, and a cough that sounds like a dog's bark.
I suppose I could go and get an mc.. I'm permanent anyway! And I haven't taken one this year.. but it IS my last flight.
So.....

So..?

The impending doom.

So I received my email.
Instead of being invited to a briefing, I was just told to collect and sign my letter of secondment to Golden Lounge by the 28th.

So yes...
I am going to be a ground staff (mostly) for the coming months.
We're supposed to get a week of flying, but who knows.
I was recruited to be a cabin crew and now we're told to be something else. Training starts next month apparently.
Oh, that QR secondment.. apparently it was only open for those who have been flying for more than five years.

I feel duped.
And low.
And I don't even know whether I'll be a permanent staff/crew/whatever until I collect my letter.
Yeah, whatever...

Called up to KCH!

Bumped into, and flying even -- with Cik Amyan yang tak update update blog diaa! booo!

♥~!

Josephine?

Jocelyn? Or was it just Sophie..?
I had a quick chat with a neighbour earlier yesterday. She initiated it, naturally. Very friendly of her, we had both wanted to check our mailboxes and turned out that ours were side by side.

I always find it amusing how some people are so unassuming of others and are able to be so.. open.
Like Encem.. most times. hehe
You can throw him anywhere and you can be sure that he'll soon have a friend. And a good one.
I suppose everybody has their gifts..

It's Kina's birthday today.. Dida picked me up and we went to Putrajaya to celebrate a bit with the family. My nephew could walk now..
And Papa and I hugged as we said goodbye.
I guess we're over the cold war. Five months is a bit too much..?
HAHAHHAHHAHAHA! Paling gedik, we were actually standing a little apart and he was the one who called me over. Oh well, might as well just get over it. Five months IS too much.

I've always been good at holding a grudge.. that's the part of me that is unlike a supposed-Sagittarius. Encem never condoned to that sort of behaviour. But everyone has their pride...
I am glad that I could hug my father again.. I have been missing him lately. And everytime anyone mentioned to me about my parents, I'd always get a pang in my heart.
Yes yes.. I am a HORRIBLE child!
So I pray that my child would not inherit that bit of me..

Morale is low all around.
Bestie too would be a permanent staff in the company should he decide to sign his new contract.
I can't help but feel like there's an impending doom waiting for me in the near future.
Have I not repeat it enough how I hate being in limbo?

With a heavy heart..

I think I saw Xtina for the first time today..
Didn't know if she knows what I look like so I just smiled and semi-stared at her.
Sorry for that bebbeh. Just read your blog; hope you'll get out of your funk soon.

It's been... a heavy-heart sort of day.
Encem told me what happened at his briefing and I don't know what to make of it. The good news is that he IS a permanent staff in the company. Bad news is that I used the word "staff" instead of "crew". I have so many things to say about this matter but I don't know if I should. Not in here, maybe.
What I can say is this; I am not so much in love with the company right now.

Anyway, I'm tired.. sleep deprived and incredibly worried, like a spooked cat after you'd just jumped out from a corner while it's relaxing under the shade.

Nothing much to share, just got back from a three-days Manila and Jakarta trip. Had a cool set crew, sedap kene ceramah dek leading every single day. Ceramah agama, so I'm good with that. I love being reminded about stuff like that. Makes me feel like God hasn't forsaken me despite me being ME.
Alhamdulillah.

Anti-inspiration.

I don't like taking care of another person.
Fact.
I'd like to say that being the youngest of the family contributed to this behaviour. I have an excuse for almost everything.
I am also not the type who talks to random babies. You know how some people coos and baby-talk to any toddler that crosses their paths. I.. just don't do that.
It is seriously weird how I am in this profession.
I am not friendly, nor am I patient.
I enjoy travelling. I love to laugh. I have an obsession with the sky.
My reasons to fly are purely and absolutely selfish.

Aren't I terrible?
I know I am.
As much as I'd love to make a difference in the world.. touch someone's soul.. I don't feel like someone who is capable of that when really, honestly.. I am just selfish!
Don't you hate me?
I know I do.

I'm so full of crap.