48 hours..

Today is the third day I'm on the morning shift..
I've only slept for an average of three hours for the past three nights.
I am zombie-like.
And in dire need to pour my thoughts out after a mere twelve days of blog-fast.

A bunch of things happened the last 48 hours.
They're just.. TOO weird..

I went to Midvalley by myself on Wednesday. Encem had some adult-like things to do so I had to get back home on my own.
So I stood in line for a taxi and there were four people in front of me. A cab stopped and asked the first person where she was heading -- he wouldn't go there. He asked the second, he shook his head. Asked the third and said no. He looked at me and I told him my destination, he motioned to come in.

The taxi driver was a friendly guy, we chatted a bit.. and I couldn't remember how, but at one point I directed him to take a wrong path that led us into Maju Expressway (MEX). Yepp, it was 9pm and I was well on the way to the airport!! *screams*
I laughed it off, naturally. The driver laughed along with me and asked if I smoke to which I said yes. He then stopped at the emergency lane so I could switch place to the front seat and we both smoked as we drove along. As I watched the meter running, I thanked God that my payday was just the day before.
Had a really good chat with that guy. Sure, it was a pricey chat but I didn't really mind. I could still laugh about it and he found it odd that I could.

The next morning I was positioned to do Meet&Greet (M&G), which is a task where I had to meet up with passengers from the check-in counter and assist them to the lounge. (Some BS if you ask me, but it's a wonderful reason to play hookie!)
I had to assist this group of four to the lounge. I was kinda lousy at it but I somehow managed to have a little conversation with one of the ladies. Turns out they were travelling to get materials for her daughter's upcoming wedding. At the boarding gate, she dug her cabin bag and took out her iPad to show me the engagement pictures.
Oh and she tipped me, for some reason! The same amount that I paid for the taxi ride the previous night. hahahha! I was really glad for that.

Then somewhere along the day I was caught smoking where I shouldn't have smoked..
Good thing my ID wasn't confiscated!

Then I was asked to extend my hour to do an M&G of a VVIP (which is something that I truly hate!). ick! I really just hate doing VVIPs.. For one, I don't understand how they became all that IP. They're definitely not important to me.. and the protocols!! UGHHH!!

So I went along with it anyway. Plus, I had the coordinator with me!
I didn't have any trouble getting along with the officials.. talked about football and stuff. And then we were informed that the aircraft is delayed by an hour....
The coordinator asked me if I'd like to stay or head home. You think???

I walked away from the place so fast that I managed to catch the usual ERL train that I take.. Feeling oh-so-lucky to get away.
...but as I was 5 minutes away from my stop, the train stopped and the recorded announcement told us that we've stopped due to technical problems. The train driver/engineer(?) somehow came into the coach from outside and went into the driver's room right behind where I was seated with a colleague.
This colleague of mine somehow heard him saying "dead body" to another engineer.
I was skeptical, of course..

It took almost forty minutes for us to get back to the previous station and change trains. By the time we got to the point where we'd stopped earlier, the train slowed down and changed tracks. We were standing right next to a window so we saw it..

A black shoe.. A clump of pink.. half of a head.. tangled up body.. a foot.. and an arm.....

Yeaaaaaaah.....
That's a horrible way to go.
A horrible thing to see.
Just horrible, really.

And now I'm home alone.. Two nights in a row! Truly hating it. But everybody got their lives, so.. let me just sulk here quietly as I try to cast away yesterday's image.
Having sleep-problems is just not helping!!

Still sick.

Perhaps I'll never be cured.

I'm at a point where I get irked when other people reveals my relationship status to the ones who asked.
I'm just annoyed.
Mostly because I don't even know what my relationship status is.

"It's complicated" just seems lazy.

I know I'm not whole-heartedly in love. Not really. Or at least I don't feel like I am since I'm angry most of the time. I mean, honestly.. would you say that you're in love if you feel like hitting your partner's face with a chair every other day?
I think not.

Lately I just feel used.. and I'm spent.
Feels like I've been talking to a wall for three fucking years.

Dear God, what am I waiting for here?

Aren't you tired..

Thought of pouring my heart out.

But I thought you'd be tired of reading me nag, so I deleted what ever that I had typed.

I am simply calling this chapter of my life; I-AM-SICK-OF-LOVING-YOU.

May I just say..

Tumblr makes me feel like an artist..

Having random people 'like' and 'reblog' my doodles kinda picks up my self-esteem..
Does that make me vain?

Oh well, maybe I kinda am.

Clouded.

Kota Kinabalu or PARKROYAL?
Apparently there's an open interview at PARKROYAL this coming Saturday..
I am scheduled for a Kota Kinabalu night stop that Saturday...

Dida's been telling me to find another job.
Mama said something the other day that sounded like her blessing for me to go away.
And I never said anything about wanting to get a different job, let alone relocate myself someplace else.

I hate talking about this but it's been running around my mind.

Feels like everyone's moving on but me.
Still stuck. Ever-stagnant.
And I can't shake off my sadness.. which makes me want to just run away.. far far away.
But my heart just aches when I imagine myself doing so.

A part of me wish to stay. Glue myself to the ground.
But a part of me, that is so lonely.. keeps on saying that I might as well go somewhere where I am actually alone. What's the point of being around people who can't even distract you from your self-destructive thoughts, right?

sigh.
I wish I'm not feeling as lousy as I do now.
And as honest as I can be on this blog, I wish I could say out loud what I am really thinking.. feeling...
I wish..
I just wish.....

Distant.

I can't seem to shake off my funk.
So I am taking a few steps back.
I haven't forgiven you yet. Maybe not ever..

All these while I've only asked for a bit of sensitivity from your side.
I've tried my very best to understand you, and now I am simply growing weary of trying.
I am tired of apologizing for my own wants and needs.
This really is not what I had imagined for myself.

Promises are called promises for a reason.
I've come to terms that you tend to say things without meaning them.

I am hurt, and you have no clue.
I won't even lie to you by telling you that I'm fine.
I am not fine.
And if you had to ask why, then obviously you've learnt nothing for the past three years.

I can't help but feel that this.. us.. has an expiration date.
If my heart keeps on hurting..
I just can't keep myself in this loop forever.

Mumblr.

Midnight shift in reception.
Of course.
I have a feeling that I'm going to be placed here a lot in the future. Mostly because this is the only position where I'd do any actual work. Not much time walking around the terminal aimlessly, chit-chatting with the check-in staff and take ten minutes smoking breaks that lasts twenty.

A tad sleep-deprived to be honest.
I came back from yesterday night's midnight shift, had breakfast with Encem, took a quick shower and headed out with Mumu until 6pm! Now here I am at work, with a mere two-hour sleep. Ada beran?
Encem finds me weird that I could keep myself awake for as long as I did.

Had good fun with Mumu.. just catching up, looked up and down for Ezra's birthday present, did our nails and had sushi for lunch -- which explains the minimal rest.
How is it that I'm barely alive trying to maintain a life? sigh.

Recently I was reminded why I had created a Tumblr account some time ago. Mostly because I was missing Lifelogger. I never knew what happened to that site. Or what happened to all the things I've posted there. Or the people that I've interacted with through the site.
Anyway, I still love the bit where I could upload songs on it. (Referring to Tumblr now.) But I'm just too old to have my thoughts scattered all over the place.

Not loving that I'm here all by myself at the moment. I could feel that my thoughts are deteriorating. I just hope that these passengers would understand my jumbled up words.

Not so random.

I was telling Bestie (yeah... whatevs *sticks out tongue*) earlier that I'd be the most-broke that I've ever been when I would have to exchange my sole Euro note that I've kept since 2006.
I think that's the second-most.
I'd be the most-broke if I had to actually ask for a loan from Dida. I already owe her loads. She pays for my stuff all the time. But I've never actually ask her for a loan. For things, sure. But for food, never. *sigh*
I hope that day would never come.

Encem is basically supporting me this past week. Thank God that I have him around. I thank God that he'd offered to help me out because honestly I wouldn't know how to ask. I could joke to him about how other girls gets "pocket money" from their boyfriends but I could never really ask him for it.
Even Bestie's been helping me out.
Dear God, I hope I won't fall to my death tomorrow! I need to pay back all my debts first, please.

Remember how a while back I was telling you about an ex who got married, and the other one was engaged? So.. the one who was engaged tied the knot last weekend. I'm having mixed feeling over it. After all, he'd been my middle-man when we go to weddings of our friends; he'd socialize with other people while I just tag along him.
That's how I am at weddings anyway. Because I hate going to weddings. I need to have someone close to hide behind.

And to be completely honest with you.. I've always thought of him as my back-up guy.
Yes, boys.. Most girls (if not all) always have somebody that they thought of as a "back-up".. If everything (read: everyone) else fails.
I've met other guys.. dated a few.. but this one remained as my back-up. Not because that I've been secretly in love with him, nothing like that. He simply seemed.. like the safest choice. I feel bad for thinking of him that way, after all he's a wonderful person. In a way I am glad that he's off the market. And I am very happy that he's found the one.
I am just.. confused, ever so slightly. Feels like I'd lost a really good friend. And I didn't go to his wedding, by the way.
I hadn't been to five of my good friends' wedding. I shouldn't call myself as anybody's friend really.

Anyway, I don't feel like I am anywhere close to getting married. Not really in a rush. Still not completely convinced if I want to. But I can definitely say that I feel the pressure.

Alif sucks!

Dear Bestie,

I am demoting you from "bestfriend" to a mere mortal friend.
Just so you know.
You suck!
*sticks out tongue*

Yours truly,
W

Cigar smokes and business talks.

Hello again.

I am at reception today which means blogging on company's time. Yayyy! Bahahahahha!!

Nothing much going on really. I came in late for the first time today. Encem woke me up at 6:35 -- and I was supposed to come in at 7:00! So.. yeah.. Guess I'm going to have to stay past my scheduled work time. pfft!
Work's been slow.. boring..
I miss flying.
Especially since I had an awesome set of crew last week! I love the crazies..

My holiday too was awesome. Encem and Bestie couldn't make it so my sister and I had a good girl's time out. Sure, eleven days stuck with Dida bound to cause some friction. Bahahahha! But that's just how we are. Quarrel now, make up an hour later.

We spent four days in Ho Chi Minh shopping and walking around. We went to the Cu Chi Tunnels in one of those days. That was pretty neat. I suppose it's hard to go there and not feel amazed by the Vietnamese will to live and fight for their rights/freedom. Like seriously.. can you imagine all those years living in a hole in the ground??
And apparently the ones who were allowed to come out were the fighters. So yeah, unless you're willing to die -- just be glad that you could LIVE underground.

Halal food is not hard to find in Ho Chi Minh, but they are expensive in comparison. Can't blame them, Islam is not that popular around Indochina.

Then we flew to Bangkok, where we took a cab straight to Pattaya. Spent a couple of days there. Surprised to see Premium Outlet; where I bought a La Senza nighty for 220 Baht! Score! heehee.
The taxi (a makeshift truck that acts as a bus, really) around Pattaya was damn cheap. Basically if you just hopped onto one, you'll have to pay 20 Baht per person -- even if the ride actually takes 20 minutes! If you hire one for "private" use, as in no sharing with other people; no stops in between the time you were picked up and your destination, it'll cost you 150 Baht.
Halal food in Pattaya; perhaps we were simply out of luck, but damn! Pretty much all of the ones we saw were closed!

Our day in Bangkok was nothing more than short. We might have to go there again to actually experience the culture other than the horrible traffic jam. The foodcourt in MBK Mall has a few selection of Halal stalls so that was awesome! (Always bear in mind that it's not going to be cheap!)
We did manage to have a look at the Arab Street, and yes, I will never enjoy places (or even flights!) where Arabs are involved! hahahahaha!
You might call that racist, but I call it profiling. So suck it!

Our last leg of the trip was to Phuket -- it was awesome!
Mostly because the hotel we were staying in had pool access! Bahahahha! Open the sliding door and simply jump into the pool! yippeee! Turned out that the beaches were too dangerous to swim in anyway. Unless you're an experienced swimmer, with no worry of the strong currents. My sister and I weren't that confident so we settled with the pool and just waded by the ocean.

Basically we had an awesome trip. Managed to visit all the Hard Rock Cafes that had sparked this trip in the first place! hahahahha! yeah, I know how ridiculous it sounds, to go on a trip simply because we are HRC collectors. Me with the pins, Dida with her tees. But it's awesome that we have this shared hobby. *grins*

Anyway, my time here is up! yaaayyyz! I love how writing kills my time here at the lounge.
Perhaps I'll upload some pictures when I get home later. Just perhaps..

Hello!

Yes, I'm back in town.
Back from my holiday.
Back from my flying week.
Back to my bloody work at the stupid lounge.

Still not in the mood to write though. I just got the chance to upload some Eid pictures on Facebook. It took me almost half a day.. so it's going to take me a lot longer to update anything on my holiday!
Just thought I'd say hello to those of you who actually drop by to see if there is any update in here.
Sorry to disappoint.
But I promise to write something sometime along the week.

A quick one.

Last day in Ho Chi Minh City..

It hasn't been a great start to the day.. so I'm moody.
I'll write again when I find my mood.
Maybe I'm just tired.
I HOPE it's only because I am tired, because honestly if it's something else then I would have a bad attitude for the rest of this trip!

I'll write again soon hopefully.
pffft!
Just feeling so shitty despite being on "holiday".

On the job.

I think I've once said that I love the fact that I didn't call my work as "work"..
A job that I wouldn't call a "job".
I suppose I need to take it back, now.

I never minded working on holidays or the weekends, but I now find myself irked by it.
If I am forced to be working on ground, why am I deprived of lazing in the weekends? Right?

I know that I've been complaining a lot. To be honest, I am just bored.. I am simply demotivated to wake up everyday.. put on my uniform.. making my way to work, but really going nowhere. I feel stuck.

Encem did his last flight yesterday.. I saw his name on the "Resigned list" at the office and couldn't help myself feeling sad about it. It's like an end of an era of some sorts.
The gang started out with 6; one got married and had a baby.. one left for medical reasons.. and Encem left because he was.. bored? Frustrated..? I don't know..
I honestly don't know how to answer to people's questions about him.
Sure, he's my boy.. but I don't feel right to say anything about his life. I don't know, maybe we are an odd sort of couple.

Anyway, then there's three.. Mumu, Bestie and I..
Mumu's married, so at least there's some kind of a progress there. So now there's just us two, Bestie!
What are we going to do with our lives...?

Oh well.. that sounds like something to think deeply about.. In someplace awaaay from the workplace! Definitely not from the spot where I am right now. hehe.
An ex of mine tied the knot today. One is engaged, now one is married.. Good thing I only have four ex-es. And good thing that I have no idea about the other two of them. This is as stagnant as I'm willing to be!

I'm looking forward to my holiday with Dida! Just two days away.. I'm excited!
Now.. two and a half hours to go before I get to go home!

First day of Eid.

27-years old, and today was the first time that I had to spend the first of Syawal away from home.
I wish I was in someplace new and exciting but no, I had to work at the lounge from seven 'til four! It's sad...
What's sadder is that I'll be working on the same hours tomorrow.

I'm really not crazy about my life right now. My feet hurts, my mind's wary for getting shitty sleep at night. I've been getting less than 3 hours of sleep for the past couple of nights, and I don't know why. I just can't seem to get my eyes shut.

The only awesome thing about anything is the bit where my family packed me a HUGE feast of Raya-food the previous night for me to enjoy here.
I feel like a kid for being spoiled this way..
Sadly, I am simply too tired now to heat them up and no one is around to enjoy it with/for me.

Anyway, I thank God for my family..
Thank God that time and time again I am forgiven for my faults and sins; that my family takes my crap, yet still loves me.
I probably don't deserve any of it, but thank God!

Alhamdulillah...

And as for you readers, I pray that you'll have a good Syawal.. I apologize for my tactlessness in my entries and all those vulgar words I threw in every chance that I get..
Selamat Hari Raya!

Heart-headache.

I chose a song from the playlist in the player..
It wasn't something that I've heard before. It was slow, jazzy and sounded romantic. Intimate.
I walked towards the bedroom, the door was slightly ajar.
I peeked through and saw the back of a plump woman with long wavy hair getting out of bed, wearing an oversized shirt and nothing else.
I moved to my right to see the rest of the bedroom and met with a disappointment as I saw him in bed topless, the crumpled bedsheet covering his privates. A smile stretched across his face as he looked on to the woman who was moving about the room.

I was invisible to them. He was oblivious of me standing there, staring, gaping...
Screaming inside.

...aaand that was my cue to wake up!

I call this, "Mimpi yang sangat babi".
Of course when I told Encem about it he assured me that it was just a dream.
Sure sure.. it was a dream. Doesn't mean that I could just forget about it. The emotions were real. Or at least felt SO real to me. I was so confused.. still is, to be truth. And upset. Mostly because I don't know how to let it go. And knowing that it isn't really Encem's fault to begin with.

Just a day after I told Bestie that I haven't had a dream in a while; at least none that I could remember to talk about in the morning...
THIS!
After months, probably.. I had to dream about THIS! Of Encem's infidelity.
grrrrr...

Though it was just a dream.. I am still disappointed. So disappointed that I don't feel like smiling or even try to laugh about it.
I think I've told Encem plenty of times before to always be honest with me. Even if honesty is going to hurt me. That if he ever got bored of me, he should say it to me first before going out to find other sources of entertainment.

Perhaps I should remind him this.

Anyway, I know for a fact that I've been feeling lonely lately. Work's been all too consuming that we mostly spend our free time sleeping.
I honestly need a good, long vacation. And a conversation that is worth my time.

Short breaks and distractions just doesn't cut it anymore.

Bak pungguk rindukan bulan..

I'm on my flying week!
Wooooohoooooo!!!
I cannot tell you how good it is to be flying again. I needed my dose of the aerial view of the world oh-so badly!!
Not too keen that the weather's been hazy, but I'll take whatever that I can get!

It's so gooood to be going somewhere again. To talk about travelling.. Evening plans, be it only in Kuching.. Vent as much as I want about my days in the lounge.. Hear others vent about their flights not having enough crew.. Joke about passengers.. Everything!
I've missed it all..

I absolutely love that I flew with friends today.. Bumped into (walked by at the corner of a small hallway, really) my favourite leading in the morning; I gasped out of surprise -- should've at least said hi -- he responded with a chuckle.. Thanks!
I've come to terms that I might actually, honestly, have a little crush on him. Teehee!

I really hope that I could fly full-time again soon.. Before I get too tired of it all.
I'm tired that I have no time for anything while I'm working at the lounge. Freakin' forty two hours a week is just mad!! Freakin' forty two hours a week for three bloody weeks in a month is just fucked up, I tell you!
We are a damn fine bunch of flight attendants and the company had clipped our wings. Just thinking about it gets me all worked up.

Friends are leaving for the 'other' airline. Can't say that I'm unaffected. My only reason for staying now is my sheer refusal to join THAT airline.
I still want to fly..
I still want to travel..
I still want to find things I could laugh about in random people..
Sigh.

I'd hate to seem disloyal, but I need to find my happy place again.

The last straw.

"I poured my heart out into an empty coffee cup, you drank it up and left me here to drown, alone.."
Dumb Like That by Vroom.

Apalah aku nak buat nieee...

I'm in a horrible rut.
In a dire need of change. A huge need to do something that I'm contemplating to shave my head. ha-ha!
Feels like I always go to bed in a bad mood.
Severely unhappy. And hopeless. And hateful.

I deserve so much more than this.

Tekanan Perasaan.

Dah start keje "baru" dua hari..

Although dalam kepala takde laa rasa letih sangat, emosi terasa kurang stabil.

Tanda tanda keletihan yang menyusup dalam diam.

Also the fact that I'm surrounded by mangkuk hayun.

First day on the job aku dah dapat name card seorang pakcik (of course!) yang janji nak bawak aku jalan kalau aku ke Canton.

Aku pun tatau kenapa jejaka yang muda mudi tak pernah nak ajak aku berbual.

At the same time, aku tahu exactly kenapa aku layan pakcik pakcik ni..

As for this pakcik, aku respect the fact that he's 70 years old, but could easily pass as early 50's. Chinese, six-footer, travelled the world, family around the continent, still very much in love with his wife after forty years of marriage.

Dia nasihatkan aku untuk enjoy life, jangan cepat sangat settle down. Sama je macam Papa cakap kat aku dulu dulu time aku baru nak start menggatal.

Boleh tahan lama aku layan pakcik ni, bebudak lain lalu lalang dok tengook je aku. But I can't help myself when somebody shares their philosophy with me. Pakcik ni dok pegang the same cracker with cheese entah berapa lama sebab asyik sangat berbual.

Pakcik ni pesan kat aku, bila nak cari pasangan, cari somebody yang sama 70% dengan aku..

Perbedaan yang terlalu besar akan create jurang in time. As time passes, your interests may change so the percentage pun akan berubah. Kebarangkalian untuk that percentage menurun adalah lebih tinggi, so kalau turun jadi 60%.. still okaylah -- bak kata dia. Kelakar juga bila fikir yang dia masukkan unsur matematik dalam mencari pasangan, but to me it made total sense.

He's been happily married for forty years, after all.

Dia still buy presents for his wife. Flowers and chocolates, just because. And while he was saying all this, he had this look that convinced me that he was speaking the truth.

I couldn't hide my surprise so he said;

Marriage is not an institution, it's an extension of the courtship..

..and at that time mata aku start berair.

Betapa skeptical nya aku selama ni sampai a simple line buat aku tersentuh.

Memang wujud rupanya orang macam ni.

Mungkin aku tersentuh sebab aku tahu memang itu lah yang aku carik.

40 years of marriage.. And choosing to be in it, every single day.

Aku mengaku aku tak jumpa lagi. And now mata aku berair lagi, sebab aku tahu what that exactly means..

These days aku rasa macam aku slowly letting go of life. I am not the captain of my life any longer. Sama macam keje aku.

Bila orang tanya aku nak stay ke walaupun kene buat keje merepek ni, jawapan aku senantiasa "stay dulu.. for now."

I wish I had a different answer. One that is more certain. I wish I am more certain of what I really want in life. I want to choose to live every single day. But my general view of life now is just.. "whatever.."

It's probably been half a decade since I first made the wish but up to this day, I still find myself longing for "happiness".

I'm jealous of that pakcik. I'm tearing up out of jealousy. Sure, I never knew what he'd gone through to get to this part of his life. Where he talks about his family with such affection and fondness. Tapi aku nak itu, please.

I want to stop the longing.

I want to be proud of myself.

I want to stop questioning about my choices in life every other day.

I want to stop wishing for a partial amnesia.

I don't want to end up regretting this past few years in the future.

Most of all, aku tak nak lagi tetiba nangis denga lagu Enrique Iglesias.. of all people!

Aurora..

Of all the things that I read about the shooting..
One fact stuck in my mind;

The shooter's birthday was 13th December..

I pointed this out to Papa, told him to watch his back and he responded;
"..but the shooting is at a cinema..."

When I pointed that to Dida, she said;
"He's a guy.. (Sagittarius) guys are different."

HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHA!!
I love my family for that.

Dead Hearts.

I'd been secretly asking for a change.
But this isn't exactly what I had in mind. People say to be careful of what you wish for -- and I know, this had never been my wish. It isn't mine, and I shall not blame myself for it.

I haven't even started my new job and I am not at all looking forward to it. All the stories I've heard, seeing Encem plopped onto the sofa the second he gets home.. Bestie feeling all low..
I don't see how I could start with a single positive thought in my mind.

I am demotivated, demoralized and definitely deteriorating.
I'm simply not in love.

Except the fact that I'm having some sort of a get-away at the moment, being in Shah Alam. Seeing Dida and the parents everyday makes me feel like the troubles at the workplace is somewhat a distant memory. This, I love. I am safe here.. for now.

I can say it, but you won't you believe me.
You say you do, but you don't deceive me.
It's hard to know they're out there,
It's hard to know that you still care.
I can say it, but you won't you believe me.
You say you do, but you don't deceive me.
Dead hearts are everywhere!
--Stars