Stop. Shop.

Clinique Chubby Sticks.

Typo.

LaSenza 50% Off.

Clarks Warehouse Sale.

Shit.

Year-End Sales are hell scary.

Dear God, guide me away from things that I don't need.

I guess we are certain that I'm getting the Clinique Chubby Stick Christmas gift set. I am telling myself not to buy it if it costs more that RM150. I'll try to remind myself that as much as I can. Even if I call it as my birthday present. I'll try to be strong.

Please let it be less than RM150!

I think I spent RM120 on last year's set.

I can never say no to things from Typo.

I haven't bought anything from LaSenza for MONTHS! It's time, really..

Then there's Clarks warehouse sale happening somewhere in Damansara that ends this Sunday! Really wanted to see what's there.. But I'm afraid that I might not be able to go! Grrr..

Y-E-S are scaryyyyy!!!

Cynical.

Okay, so Bestie said something to me last night that kinda bothered me. It wasn't his intention, but honestly it just opened my eyes a bit.

I know how cynical and unhappy I sound in my blog.. but it's not really as if I'm incapable of happiness. Funny how I am more eloquent when I'm expressing unhappiness. To be honest, I am just scared.
It always feels like happiness just loves to run around in my presence, so I simply don't talk about it for fear of spooking it.

Dida and I had a conversation the other day. I told her that I've recently realized that my psychological trait were really based on the environment I grew up in. (Yes, very Freudian.) Being the youngest, I feel small and timid to a point where I feel unimportant sometimes. That I don't matter.
That's the usual case with me and Encem honestly.
When he didn't let me in on his plans.. when he didn't call or text..
Feels like I'm so easily forgotten.

To be honest though, I don't really need someone to call me every hour. I don't need someone who feels the need to tell me that he's going to take a piss. I am not the kind of girl who needs to text her partner that she's going to turn off her phone for work. (A very typical case among the cabin crew, believe it or not!)
I honestly love the freedom that I have, being with Encem.

Things just gets ugly when I am particularly missing him.
Or I'm exceptionally hormonal.
Or I'm troubled..
Bestie is probably tired of hearing me complain and saying that I need to be apart from Encem.

It's not like he doesn't love me. Honestly I can feel it every single time I'm with him. I honestly hope that I am giving off the same feeling too. If so happens that we do not end up together.. it won't be for the lack of love. I did told Dida that.
She asked if that is enough for me -- if love is enough.
All I could say is that most times, it is.

Don't you find it odd that I am talking about love, but somehow I managed to sound so cynical?
I really am a hopeful cynic. Depending on the day that you get to talk to me. Just so happens that I am more cynical than hopeful today. heehee.

I hate doctors.

The nerve of them sometimes.

So it's flu season. Pretty typical in the monsoon, I guess. Really hot during the day, followed by heavy rain in the evening. Good thing we weren't made of stone or we would've crumbled into sands..
Okay, I'm crapping.

Been having the flu for five days now. I guess it's getting better. Ever so slightly.
Took medical leave on my HYD flight on Wednesday. Not too happy with that since I appreciate all the flights I can get but my nose were completely blocked!
When I asked for leave, the doctor totally pissed me off when he said, "okay what, take the meds and in two hours you'll be fine."
I didn't really mean to raise my voice, (that's a lie) when I said, "manaaa.. tak pernah.. Never happen!"
Honestly, kang aku kata tak gi skolah, marah.. But sometimes these panel doctors are just too dumb to be doctors!

I think I know my body better than some doctor I've only met twice, thank you very much.
As far as flu meds goes.. NONE of them ever make me sleep.
The flu meds that my dad swears on; he takes a half of it and he'd be sleeping in half an hour. I took it whole, and it does NOTHING on me!
My sleep-troubles are that bad, I guess.
So yeah, two hours.. MY ASS!

I took my meds before I got into my pick up for my RGN flight this morning, and my nose were runny the whole day!
And all the way I was wishing having that bloody doctor all tied up at the last row of the aircraft with a runny nose.. Dua jam, TOK MU!

Anyway, times like these I am glad I'll be at the lounge come Monday. I finished my flight four hours ago and I still can't hear a thing coming in from my left ear. Really, flu and flight just don't mix! They're murder. Just thinking about the pulsing headache during the descent is giving me the shivers.

Lelah hati.

Came home feeling feverish.. excited to finally try out the digital thermometre I bought a while back.. only to find that the big plastic bag that it was in has gone.

Just as I blogged about spending money that I barely had..

I am so SO tired of life right now.
Can't I just be HAPPY, for God's sake?!!!

Money matters.

Spent the little money that I barely have on a skirt earlier.
I am the worst person to talk to about saving money!
In my defence, I think of it as therapy. I do feel good after buying it. I've been wanting a decent, nowhere-near-hoochie denim skirt for a while.
Just a little guilty knowing that I don't really have to buy it now NOW..
Oh well..

Have I told you that I don't like pants?
Long ones especially. I don't even like wearing jeans. I even have a personal grudge towards Levi's for making me feel fat everytime I tried on their jeans.
And even when my pajamas comes with a long bottom, I always end up folding it up to my knees.
Yeah, I don't like pants.

So I'm glad that I bought the skirt. My shorts needs a rest. So does my VS maxi skirts.
Now I just have to figure out how to survive the rest of the month..

I hate having to work at the lounge for this.
I remember complaining about the lack of livelihood after I had spend so much on Lomo cameras, La Senza lingeries, Clinique chubby sticks.. VS clothes and other things I got online.
Now I complain after getting ONE little skirt!

It sucks..
I want to go back to flying full time again. Where there is no apparent office politics.. where I don't have to miss an overnight in some place because I'd just been there.. Where I could bump into awesome colleagues that I'd still want to go out with even when I'm sick!
(That's what happened last night, by the way.)

I'm feeling worse now, in case you're wondering. The flu meds I've been taking didn't seem to be working at all! I reckon the cigarettes and karaoke last night wasn't helping either.
Suppose I should get to bed early tonight. Call time is at 0520, and I sure hope that my boogers would stop running down my nose by then.
I'm happy that I'll be going home tomorrow.. can't wait to hide under the covers of my own bed!

Kick me when I'm down.

Today is the first of my three days trip in BKI, and I've been sneezing like hell!

Suppose I am due for some kind of sickness. The last time I was sick enough to have to see a doctor was in May. (The one in August was faking sickness, I have to admit.)

Not loving the partially blocked nose.
Serves me for having such lousy sleep lately.

I'm not in the greatest mood.

Feeling lonely mostly. Bestie has been hanging out with his girl and his new friends. Encem's too busy with what ever that he's been doing.. while I stuck around for who knows what.

Feels like all Encem has is just enough time to have a fight with me.

It's getting really old.

Apparently all that I've been feeling were feelings alone.

Encem actually SAID that I should use my head instead.

I think I should kick his balls for just saying that.

Thank you for belittling my bloody feelings, B-O-Y-F-R-I-E-N-D!!

Honestly I hate blogging about this like a friggin' teenager. I should have used my brain a long long time ago. It's been a while since I last felt that we were good for each other.

If only my heart would just stop...

It's sad that I'm rooting for doomsday at the end of this year.

Sure, there's a bunch of things I'd like to do first before I die. Places to be.. to see.

Make my existence count.

But at what cost? My heart getting trampled every other day??

I couldn't take it.

And I don't hate my life THAT much to actually take it away myself. So... Armageddon, come on!

HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHA!!

Yeah, I know I'm dark.
I really should seek professional's help.

48 hours..

Today is the third day I'm on the morning shift..
I've only slept for an average of three hours for the past three nights.
I am zombie-like.
And in dire need to pour my thoughts out after a mere twelve days of blog-fast.

A bunch of things happened the last 48 hours.
They're just.. TOO weird..

I went to Midvalley by myself on Wednesday. Encem had some adult-like things to do so I had to get back home on my own.
So I stood in line for a taxi and there were four people in front of me. A cab stopped and asked the first person where she was heading -- he wouldn't go there. He asked the second, he shook his head. Asked the third and said no. He looked at me and I told him my destination, he motioned to come in.

The taxi driver was a friendly guy, we chatted a bit.. and I couldn't remember how, but at one point I directed him to take a wrong path that led us into Maju Expressway (MEX). Yepp, it was 9pm and I was well on the way to the airport!! *screams*
I laughed it off, naturally. The driver laughed along with me and asked if I smoke to which I said yes. He then stopped at the emergency lane so I could switch place to the front seat and we both smoked as we drove along. As I watched the meter running, I thanked God that my payday was just the day before.
Had a really good chat with that guy. Sure, it was a pricey chat but I didn't really mind. I could still laugh about it and he found it odd that I could.

The next morning I was positioned to do Meet&Greet (M&G), which is a task where I had to meet up with passengers from the check-in counter and assist them to the lounge. (Some BS if you ask me, but it's a wonderful reason to play hookie!)
I had to assist this group of four to the lounge. I was kinda lousy at it but I somehow managed to have a little conversation with one of the ladies. Turns out they were travelling to get materials for her daughter's upcoming wedding. At the boarding gate, she dug her cabin bag and took out her iPad to show me the engagement pictures.
Oh and she tipped me, for some reason! The same amount that I paid for the taxi ride the previous night. hahahha! I was really glad for that.

Then somewhere along the day I was caught smoking where I shouldn't have smoked..
Good thing my ID wasn't confiscated!

Then I was asked to extend my hour to do an M&G of a VVIP (which is something that I truly hate!). ick! I really just hate doing VVIPs.. For one, I don't understand how they became all that IP. They're definitely not important to me.. and the protocols!! UGHHH!!

So I went along with it anyway. Plus, I had the coordinator with me!
I didn't have any trouble getting along with the officials.. talked about football and stuff. And then we were informed that the aircraft is delayed by an hour....
The coordinator asked me if I'd like to stay or head home. You think???

I walked away from the place so fast that I managed to catch the usual ERL train that I take.. Feeling oh-so-lucky to get away.
...but as I was 5 minutes away from my stop, the train stopped and the recorded announcement told us that we've stopped due to technical problems. The train driver/engineer(?) somehow came into the coach from outside and went into the driver's room right behind where I was seated with a colleague.
This colleague of mine somehow heard him saying "dead body" to another engineer.
I was skeptical, of course..

It took almost forty minutes for us to get back to the previous station and change trains. By the time we got to the point where we'd stopped earlier, the train slowed down and changed tracks. We were standing right next to a window so we saw it..

A black shoe.. A clump of pink.. half of a head.. tangled up body.. a foot.. and an arm.....

Yeaaaaaaah.....
That's a horrible way to go.
A horrible thing to see.
Just horrible, really.

And now I'm home alone.. Two nights in a row! Truly hating it. But everybody got their lives, so.. let me just sulk here quietly as I try to cast away yesterday's image.
Having sleep-problems is just not helping!!

Still sick.

Perhaps I'll never be cured.

I'm at a point where I get irked when other people reveals my relationship status to the ones who asked.
I'm just annoyed.
Mostly because I don't even know what my relationship status is.

"It's complicated" just seems lazy.

I know I'm not whole-heartedly in love. Not really. Or at least I don't feel like I am since I'm angry most of the time. I mean, honestly.. would you say that you're in love if you feel like hitting your partner's face with a chair every other day?
I think not.

Lately I just feel used.. and I'm spent.
Feels like I've been talking to a wall for three fucking years.

Dear God, what am I waiting for here?

Aren't you tired..

Thought of pouring my heart out.

But I thought you'd be tired of reading me nag, so I deleted what ever that I had typed.

I am simply calling this chapter of my life; I-AM-SICK-OF-LOVING-YOU.

May I just say..

Tumblr makes me feel like an artist..

Having random people 'like' and 'reblog' my doodles kinda picks up my self-esteem..
Does that make me vain?

Oh well, maybe I kinda am.

Clouded.

Kota Kinabalu or PARKROYAL?
Apparently there's an open interview at PARKROYAL this coming Saturday..
I am scheduled for a Kota Kinabalu night stop that Saturday...

Dida's been telling me to find another job.
Mama said something the other day that sounded like her blessing for me to go away.
And I never said anything about wanting to get a different job, let alone relocate myself someplace else.

I hate talking about this but it's been running around my mind.

Feels like everyone's moving on but me.
Still stuck. Ever-stagnant.
And I can't shake off my sadness.. which makes me want to just run away.. far far away.
But my heart just aches when I imagine myself doing so.

A part of me wish to stay. Glue myself to the ground.
But a part of me, that is so lonely.. keeps on saying that I might as well go somewhere where I am actually alone. What's the point of being around people who can't even distract you from your self-destructive thoughts, right?

sigh.
I wish I'm not feeling as lousy as I do now.
And as honest as I can be on this blog, I wish I could say out loud what I am really thinking.. feeling...
I wish..
I just wish.....

Distant.

I can't seem to shake off my funk.
So I am taking a few steps back.
I haven't forgiven you yet. Maybe not ever..

All these while I've only asked for a bit of sensitivity from your side.
I've tried my very best to understand you, and now I am simply growing weary of trying.
I am tired of apologizing for my own wants and needs.
This really is not what I had imagined for myself.

Promises are called promises for a reason.
I've come to terms that you tend to say things without meaning them.

I am hurt, and you have no clue.
I won't even lie to you by telling you that I'm fine.
I am not fine.
And if you had to ask why, then obviously you've learnt nothing for the past three years.

I can't help but feel that this.. us.. has an expiration date.
If my heart keeps on hurting..
I just can't keep myself in this loop forever.

Mumblr.

Midnight shift in reception.
Of course.
I have a feeling that I'm going to be placed here a lot in the future. Mostly because this is the only position where I'd do any actual work. Not much time walking around the terminal aimlessly, chit-chatting with the check-in staff and take ten minutes smoking breaks that lasts twenty.

A tad sleep-deprived to be honest.
I came back from yesterday night's midnight shift, had breakfast with Encem, took a quick shower and headed out with Mumu until 6pm! Now here I am at work, with a mere two-hour sleep. Ada beran?
Encem finds me weird that I could keep myself awake for as long as I did.

Had good fun with Mumu.. just catching up, looked up and down for Ezra's birthday present, did our nails and had sushi for lunch -- which explains the minimal rest.
How is it that I'm barely alive trying to maintain a life? sigh.

Recently I was reminded why I had created a Tumblr account some time ago. Mostly because I was missing Lifelogger. I never knew what happened to that site. Or what happened to all the things I've posted there. Or the people that I've interacted with through the site.
Anyway, I still love the bit where I could upload songs on it. (Referring to Tumblr now.) But I'm just too old to have my thoughts scattered all over the place.

Not loving that I'm here all by myself at the moment. I could feel that my thoughts are deteriorating. I just hope that these passengers would understand my jumbled up words.

Not so random.

I was telling Bestie (yeah... whatevs *sticks out tongue*) earlier that I'd be the most-broke that I've ever been when I would have to exchange my sole Euro note that I've kept since 2006.
I think that's the second-most.
I'd be the most-broke if I had to actually ask for a loan from Dida. I already owe her loads. She pays for my stuff all the time. But I've never actually ask her for a loan. For things, sure. But for food, never. *sigh*
I hope that day would never come.

Encem is basically supporting me this past week. Thank God that I have him around. I thank God that he'd offered to help me out because honestly I wouldn't know how to ask. I could joke to him about how other girls gets "pocket money" from their boyfriends but I could never really ask him for it.
Even Bestie's been helping me out.
Dear God, I hope I won't fall to my death tomorrow! I need to pay back all my debts first, please.

Remember how a while back I was telling you about an ex who got married, and the other one was engaged? So.. the one who was engaged tied the knot last weekend. I'm having mixed feeling over it. After all, he'd been my middle-man when we go to weddings of our friends; he'd socialize with other people while I just tag along him.
That's how I am at weddings anyway. Because I hate going to weddings. I need to have someone close to hide behind.

And to be completely honest with you.. I've always thought of him as my back-up guy.
Yes, boys.. Most girls (if not all) always have somebody that they thought of as a "back-up".. If everything (read: everyone) else fails.
I've met other guys.. dated a few.. but this one remained as my back-up. Not because that I've been secretly in love with him, nothing like that. He simply seemed.. like the safest choice. I feel bad for thinking of him that way, after all he's a wonderful person. In a way I am glad that he's off the market. And I am very happy that he's found the one.
I am just.. confused, ever so slightly. Feels like I'd lost a really good friend. And I didn't go to his wedding, by the way.
I hadn't been to five of my good friends' wedding. I shouldn't call myself as anybody's friend really.

Anyway, I don't feel like I am anywhere close to getting married. Not really in a rush. Still not completely convinced if I want to. But I can definitely say that I feel the pressure.

Alif sucks!

Dear Bestie,

I am demoting you from "bestfriend" to a mere mortal friend.
Just so you know.
You suck!
*sticks out tongue*

Yours truly,
W

Cigar smokes and business talks.

Hello again.

I am at reception today which means blogging on company's time. Yayyy! Bahahahahha!!

Nothing much going on really. I came in late for the first time today. Encem woke me up at 6:35 -- and I was supposed to come in at 7:00! So.. yeah.. Guess I'm going to have to stay past my scheduled work time. pfft!
Work's been slow.. boring..
I miss flying.
Especially since I had an awesome set of crew last week! I love the crazies..

My holiday too was awesome. Encem and Bestie couldn't make it so my sister and I had a good girl's time out. Sure, eleven days stuck with Dida bound to cause some friction. Bahahahha! But that's just how we are. Quarrel now, make up an hour later.

We spent four days in Ho Chi Minh shopping and walking around. We went to the Cu Chi Tunnels in one of those days. That was pretty neat. I suppose it's hard to go there and not feel amazed by the Vietnamese will to live and fight for their rights/freedom. Like seriously.. can you imagine all those years living in a hole in the ground??
And apparently the ones who were allowed to come out were the fighters. So yeah, unless you're willing to die -- just be glad that you could LIVE underground.

Halal food is not hard to find in Ho Chi Minh, but they are expensive in comparison. Can't blame them, Islam is not that popular around Indochina.

Then we flew to Bangkok, where we took a cab straight to Pattaya. Spent a couple of days there. Surprised to see Premium Outlet; where I bought a La Senza nighty for 220 Baht! Score! heehee.
The taxi (a makeshift truck that acts as a bus, really) around Pattaya was damn cheap. Basically if you just hopped onto one, you'll have to pay 20 Baht per person -- even if the ride actually takes 20 minutes! If you hire one for "private" use, as in no sharing with other people; no stops in between the time you were picked up and your destination, it'll cost you 150 Baht.
Halal food in Pattaya; perhaps we were simply out of luck, but damn! Pretty much all of the ones we saw were closed!

Our day in Bangkok was nothing more than short. We might have to go there again to actually experience the culture other than the horrible traffic jam. The foodcourt in MBK Mall has a few selection of Halal stalls so that was awesome! (Always bear in mind that it's not going to be cheap!)
We did manage to have a look at the Arab Street, and yes, I will never enjoy places (or even flights!) where Arabs are involved! hahahahaha!
You might call that racist, but I call it profiling. So suck it!

Our last leg of the trip was to Phuket -- it was awesome!
Mostly because the hotel we were staying in had pool access! Bahahahha! Open the sliding door and simply jump into the pool! yippeee! Turned out that the beaches were too dangerous to swim in anyway. Unless you're an experienced swimmer, with no worry of the strong currents. My sister and I weren't that confident so we settled with the pool and just waded by the ocean.

Basically we had an awesome trip. Managed to visit all the Hard Rock Cafes that had sparked this trip in the first place! hahahahha! yeah, I know how ridiculous it sounds, to go on a trip simply because we are HRC collectors. Me with the pins, Dida with her tees. But it's awesome that we have this shared hobby. *grins*

Anyway, my time here is up! yaaayyyz! I love how writing kills my time here at the lounge.
Perhaps I'll upload some pictures when I get home later. Just perhaps..

Hello!

Yes, I'm back in town.
Back from my holiday.
Back from my flying week.
Back to my bloody work at the stupid lounge.

Still not in the mood to write though. I just got the chance to upload some Eid pictures on Facebook. It took me almost half a day.. so it's going to take me a lot longer to update anything on my holiday!
Just thought I'd say hello to those of you who actually drop by to see if there is any update in here.
Sorry to disappoint.
But I promise to write something sometime along the week.

A quick one.

Last day in Ho Chi Minh City..

It hasn't been a great start to the day.. so I'm moody.
I'll write again when I find my mood.
Maybe I'm just tired.
I HOPE it's only because I am tired, because honestly if it's something else then I would have a bad attitude for the rest of this trip!

I'll write again soon hopefully.
pffft!
Just feeling so shitty despite being on "holiday".

On the job.

I think I've once said that I love the fact that I didn't call my work as "work"..
A job that I wouldn't call a "job".
I suppose I need to take it back, now.

I never minded working on holidays or the weekends, but I now find myself irked by it.
If I am forced to be working on ground, why am I deprived of lazing in the weekends? Right?

I know that I've been complaining a lot. To be honest, I am just bored.. I am simply demotivated to wake up everyday.. put on my uniform.. making my way to work, but really going nowhere. I feel stuck.

Encem did his last flight yesterday.. I saw his name on the "Resigned list" at the office and couldn't help myself feeling sad about it. It's like an end of an era of some sorts.
The gang started out with 6; one got married and had a baby.. one left for medical reasons.. and Encem left because he was.. bored? Frustrated..? I don't know..
I honestly don't know how to answer to people's questions about him.
Sure, he's my boy.. but I don't feel right to say anything about his life. I don't know, maybe we are an odd sort of couple.

Anyway, then there's three.. Mumu, Bestie and I..
Mumu's married, so at least there's some kind of a progress there. So now there's just us two, Bestie!
What are we going to do with our lives...?

Oh well.. that sounds like something to think deeply about.. In someplace awaaay from the workplace! Definitely not from the spot where I am right now. hehe.
An ex of mine tied the knot today. One is engaged, now one is married.. Good thing I only have four ex-es. And good thing that I have no idea about the other two of them. This is as stagnant as I'm willing to be!

I'm looking forward to my holiday with Dida! Just two days away.. I'm excited!
Now.. two and a half hours to go before I get to go home!

First day of Eid.

27-years old, and today was the first time that I had to spend the first of Syawal away from home.
I wish I was in someplace new and exciting but no, I had to work at the lounge from seven 'til four! It's sad...
What's sadder is that I'll be working on the same hours tomorrow.

I'm really not crazy about my life right now. My feet hurts, my mind's wary for getting shitty sleep at night. I've been getting less than 3 hours of sleep for the past couple of nights, and I don't know why. I just can't seem to get my eyes shut.

The only awesome thing about anything is the bit where my family packed me a HUGE feast of Raya-food the previous night for me to enjoy here.
I feel like a kid for being spoiled this way..
Sadly, I am simply too tired now to heat them up and no one is around to enjoy it with/for me.

Anyway, I thank God for my family..
Thank God that time and time again I am forgiven for my faults and sins; that my family takes my crap, yet still loves me.
I probably don't deserve any of it, but thank God!

Alhamdulillah...

And as for you readers, I pray that you'll have a good Syawal.. I apologize for my tactlessness in my entries and all those vulgar words I threw in every chance that I get..
Selamat Hari Raya!