F.

You know that feeling you get when things just goes wrong for you?

I just had that sort of day..
When not ONE single thing goes my way. And instead of feeling disappointed or upset, I am plain PISSED!

Seriously, I hate everything and anyone right now. Maybe I'll change my mind in a bit but for now, I am just full of HATE!!!

I hate "privelleged" people. I definitely hate politicians. I hate people with "titles" because honestly, if noone knows exactly the contribution you made to get the title, you definitely didn't earn it.

And I hate that I feel like I keep on giving and giving and getting nothing back! I hate doing favours for people that I don't even like or remotely care.

I hate that I curse everytime I look or think about my roster next month. I am complaining, I know. But I deserve to complain. I SHOULD complain, not all those other kids who complains how their friends got two Taipei and they only got one. COME ON!!!
We have a saying that goes, "if you're not happy, resign."
For once I am really contemplating about it.

Shit.
I should've stick to my plan years ago. This isn't how I imagined my life would be. I was never meant to stay here and be anybody's bitch.

Damn it! I must get out from all this crap.
Sent from my BlackBerry® via Vodafone-Celcom Mobile.

Two sides of every story..

It makes me sad thinking that my friends would gang up on Encem.
And I realize that it's partly my fault..
Haven't you noticed that I mostly write when I'm feeling sappy?
Honestly speaking, I wouldn't BE writing if I wasn't. Most of the time anyway. When I am thoroughly enjoying life, you wouldn't find me writing about it because I'd rather enjoy my life than write about it!

So yeah, I'm miserable a lot. (Or at least I use the word a lot!)
And yes, Encem may or may not be the cause of it.
But to judge him solely based on MY blog is unfair.. because that's just one side of our story.

Let's start off with this; I may or may not have a stable mind to begin with. Dida shall be a witness to that. She plainly calls me "weird". She understands me.. and is completely clueless about me at the same time. But she loves me. Plus, she's my sister so whether she likes it or not.. she accepts me.
Examples of my mind's instability; I speak of death a whole LOT! And I remember saying out loud that I should die when I was EIGHT after a quarrel with Dida. hahahhaha! Do you know anyone who speaks of suicide at the age of eight?
Oh, I am also WAAAY too emotional for my own good.
And when I'm disappointed with someone, I'd think of suicide (rather than murdering the person) just so that person could not make it up to me. In hopes that they'll regret it for the rest of their long lives. Oh yes, I am horribly spiteful.

Honestly, I think I would've been long dead if I didn't believe in God, religion, heaven and hell..

So now comes in Encem..
Is he my soulmate? No idea!
Is it practical to be with him? Not really.. generally I think it's more practical to be alone.
Do I enjoy being in a monogamous relationship? ..well, my thoughts are hardly ever monogamous.
But it isn't fair for me to expect him to SAVE me, is it?
I have this idea that my soulmate should FIX me.. but at the same time, my pride would rather have me fix myself! Hence the constant talk that I need noone.

But the facts are -- I've been with Encem for more than three years. He makes me laugh, he makes me cry. Sometimes he cries with me. He buys me books instead of chocolates, he's incredibly patient and I can never get enough of his hugs.
He cooks for me and I'm pretty sure it's been almost a year since I last made anything for him.
He takes care of me when I'm sick, and he's rarely ever speak ill of me.
Unlike me.. on this blog. See, he doesn't need a blog to speak his mind because he actually says them out loud -- if you manage to pry it out of him.

It isn't his fault that I'm such a needy prick.
He's been the same person that he's always been.
And I never even knew that I could be this needy before I met him. I must admit that in the past, I would've been the one who is chased after. Everything was just too easy.
Encem annoys the crap out of me sometimes.. but he makes me feel alive. (Yes, that sounds corny.)

So don't hate him when you don't even know him.. Only I'm allowed. hehe
Plus, my expectations of him is VERY high, you have no idea.
I'm sorry if you get tired of me venting about my love life.. And I can assure you that it's not going to stop anytime soon.

A line from The Perks Of Being a Wallflower;
We accept the love we think we deserve..
..now, what crossed his mind to think he deserve a psycho like me..?

Want and Need.

I believe, there is a huge difference between needing and wanting to be with someone.
To need gives you no choice. For what ever reason, you must be with the person. It's almost pragmatic.. or calculative.
To want is a choice. A choice that you made each day.. to stay.

See, I don't need you.
And wanting you can change.

Silence is virtue.

I know I've been quiet lately..
Nothing much to say really..

Oh, last night Encem noticed blood in my right eye. I thought it was the normal dot that I've always had.. turns out it was something else! Looks alarming. Kinda scary. I babbled a bit while I tried to calm myself down.
Then I looked it up on Google and diagnosed myself as having Subconjuctival Hemorrhage. Yepp.. bleeding in the eye. No idea how that happened, but apparently it's nothing serious and it should go away in two weeks.

I still went to see the doctor, just to make sure and he told me the same thing that I already knew..
So I'll be having scary-looking right eye for two weeks. gahh!

Other than that.. nothing's going on in my life.
Promised myself not to talk about money, so I'm not gonna.. hehe

2013.

Not loving my year so far..
Kinda wishing it would end. Perhaps I should end altogether..

Yes, I am feeling rather dark and twisted.

Started the year with some promising resolution.. But after two weeks, I guess my expectations got low and I am left with just one;
to get through a week without crying.

That's all I'm asking.

Addicted.

Ebay is EVIL.
I've been on it for an hour looking at OPI nail polishes.
I'm addicted to colouring my nails somehow. Well, it's something to do. Keeps my mind off of things. So I get myself focused on the lighter side of life; like, what colour should I paint my nails with next?

I've been feeling like I'm cheating on Blogger lately. Mostly because I've been on Tumblr more often than here. Somehow Tumblr makes me feel younger..? Made me feel free to rant and actually post pictures of my nails! HAHAHHAHHA! Feels kinda vain, but somehow having it on Tumblr makes it feel okay.
How odd is that anyway?

I've been sad, to be honest.
Just typing those out makes me want to cry. I'd really hate to admit it but it's the truth. I've been complaining about my job a lot lately. Too much for my own liking. I'm unhappy at the lounge.. and I'm complaining about flying. Basically means I belong nowhere!
Sure, if you ask anyone I'm sure they won't tell you that I've been complaining about these to them. I haven't even been talking much to anyone. Not about how I really feel anyway.

Bestie is never around.
Dida is too judgemental.
And Encem.. well, Encem being Encem.. I don't even want to start on that.

I'm sad.. I have no one to turn to.
So yeah, that's what's been going on. Just me, having conversations with myself every single night.. all the time.
It's only been five days of the new year and already I'm telling you some sappy stories!

So now I focus on my nails.. What colours I want them to be..

Wa-heyy!

Kota Kinabalu's Rock Shop is now open and it's only 15 minutes walk from our dingy new hotel! (15 minutes because crossing the freeway was imperative -- the word "safe" does not come to mind when thinking about this new hotel.)

And earlier, a Korean fella stared at me while my colleagues and I were smoking outside the lobby. He was standing right next to me but he was staring that I had to give him a questioning look and said, "Yes?" (My colleagues laughed at this.)

The fella just shook his head a few times, lit his cigarette and stared a little bit more.

So yeah, I don't do well with people invading my personal space. That dude would've gotten much much more than a single word from me had my colleagues did not distract me as they laughed.

Anyway, the new Rock Shop isn't on the Rewards Program yet but that did not stop me from getting a new pin for my collection! I figured I could always come back again anyways. Plus, I HAVE to go back to get Dida's t-shirt for her collection. "Medium" was out of stock, and buying large seemed a bit too much considering Dida had lost so much weight over the past few months!

Nothing else is new in life..

It's 2013 and I feel exactly the same.

I just hope that things will be better.. before I lose myself completely.

Of a troubled mind.

Despite coming home well after midnight for the past couple of days.. I've been having trouble sleeping.
I suppose I could blame tiredness. My entire body has been aching for days.
But I won't deny that there's been a bunch of things on my mind lately.

On a lighter side.. I've been thinking of getting a new phone.
I don't really need it. I'd just like to have it.
Nothing really heavy about that. Sounds kinda dumb even.

I've been feeling really detached. I don't know. Lack of conversations that is worth my while. Couldn't bring myself to care anymore.
I can honestly say that I've been faking smiles this past whole week.
I don't feel like smiling at all. Nor do I feel like making any contact with anyone. Just so happens that I work in a line where I am actually paid to make contact and connections.
Life is kinda sucky at times like these.

Perhaps I'll end up a hermit after all.
I really wish happiness isn't so temporary. But it just feels that way these days.

Oh well, ignore me. It's half past five and I'm obviously sleep-deprived.

Of Birthdays & Books

I'd say Mumu and I are lucky for being born in the same month that we get to have a potluck get together to celebrate our birthday! ..and we all got the same off day on a weekend! Such a rare thing..

Mumu prepared a load of fried finger foods and drinks, Mami brought spaghetti, I brought Tony Roma's ribs (too lazy to prepare my lasagna) and Bestie brought Secret Recipe's brownie.. because his mom's oven broke! sigh..

Oh and I love the presents Mami and Bestie got me!
Thank you thank you thank youuuu!

Then earlier today I finally got myself to the Big Bad Wolf Book Sale. The place was HUUGE but I couldn't find much really. Or at least I couldn't find the books that I was thinking of getting..

"Couldn't find much" translates as ten books.. HAHHAHAHHA!
Cookbooks goes for around 20-30 Ringgit.. Novels are mostly RM8.
I suppose it's better to go with an open mind.. Not really looking for anything specific because trying to search for it would be a nightmare! So today's total damage was about RM100.. and I completely forgot to use the RM10 off voucher that I got just before entering the hall!

I mean, what was that?? Feels like my mind is deteriorating..
But Encem just coolly said, "then maybe we'll go there again.."
hmmm.. Maybe. If payday comes early. I really hope that it does because I'm grasping for air again..

Gahh!! I hate how this is a constant trouble of mine at the end of every month.
It's like I'm twenty-eight and I never learn..
HAHAHHAHA!

Oh!

Yesterday was my birthday?
Pffft..

That is to say that I had the worst birthday yet.
I don't know.. Something about birthdays that simply get to me.
Messes with me to the core.
Funny how I feel fine today.

I say fine, not great. Just fine. Nothing to shout about.
Nothing else to say. Feels like yesterday somehow marred my whole being. A nagging feeling that I won't ever feel great.

Oh well, maybe I'm wrong.
I'd love to be wrong.

Zzzz

I basically slept the whole day of yesterday. Or at least it feels like it.
Got home from work at half past one, fell asleep after five, woke up around noon, fell asleep again after dusk, woken up around ten, fell right back to sleep, and now I just had my shower.. After midnight.
Gahhh!
I totally wasted the my day off yesterday. I know I wouldn't want to go out when it was a Selangor public holiday but I should've at least de-clutter my room! It's annoying to get a day off on a public holiday.
And now I feel like I should take a little more nap before I need to get ready for work.

Days had been uneventful.
Dida asked me what I want for my birthday. Totally cheating, but I finally figured out that I wanted a favour for my birthday. It's starting to feel a bit complicated, so I think I'm going to just cancel that.

Yeaaah.. so my birthday is coming up. For what ever reason I feel like crying when I think about it.
Perhaps I should try getting that nap now. I don't feel like talking it out while I try to figure out why I feel like crying.

Update!

Update on my previous post;

1. Nothing really good at Clark's warehouse sale. Perhaps everything was sold out, but I was hoping to find a pair of ladies boots but none of them looked good.
2. I spent RM300 at LaSenza while they had that 50% off when you buy 10 items offer. Whoops!
3. After calling and visiting FOURTEEN Clinique places, I finally found the Chubby Sticks set that I've been looking for at Isetan, Lot 10!

So glad that the search was over.

To think that I still have one left of last year's set! Bahahhahaha!
I wonder how next year's set would look like. I gotta remind myself to keep a look out for it early November so I won't have to search around like a mad woman again..

4. I haven't bought anything from Typo yet.. But I don't exactly need anything right now so I can wait.. The things that I usually want always go for less after a while anyway.
I suppose it's weird, but what I had in mind is the glitter-tape.. I have this odd fixation for wrappers and ribbons for the sole purpose of gift wrapping! Even when I was younger, while others collected stamps or erasers, I collect wrapping papers!

Today is my second day off and I'd already lounged the whole of yesterday.. Guess I should really do something useful today.
I really should sort out my wardrobe!

Stop. Shop.

Clinique Chubby Sticks.

Typo.

LaSenza 50% Off.

Clarks Warehouse Sale.

Shit.

Year-End Sales are hell scary.

Dear God, guide me away from things that I don't need.

I guess we are certain that I'm getting the Clinique Chubby Stick Christmas gift set. I am telling myself not to buy it if it costs more that RM150. I'll try to remind myself that as much as I can. Even if I call it as my birthday present. I'll try to be strong.

Please let it be less than RM150!

I think I spent RM120 on last year's set.

I can never say no to things from Typo.

I haven't bought anything from LaSenza for MONTHS! It's time, really..

Then there's Clarks warehouse sale happening somewhere in Damansara that ends this Sunday! Really wanted to see what's there.. But I'm afraid that I might not be able to go! Grrr..

Y-E-S are scaryyyyy!!!

Cynical.

Okay, so Bestie said something to me last night that kinda bothered me. It wasn't his intention, but honestly it just opened my eyes a bit.

I know how cynical and unhappy I sound in my blog.. but it's not really as if I'm incapable of happiness. Funny how I am more eloquent when I'm expressing unhappiness. To be honest, I am just scared.
It always feels like happiness just loves to run around in my presence, so I simply don't talk about it for fear of spooking it.

Dida and I had a conversation the other day. I told her that I've recently realized that my psychological trait were really based on the environment I grew up in. (Yes, very Freudian.) Being the youngest, I feel small and timid to a point where I feel unimportant sometimes. That I don't matter.
That's the usual case with me and Encem honestly.
When he didn't let me in on his plans.. when he didn't call or text..
Feels like I'm so easily forgotten.

To be honest though, I don't really need someone to call me every hour. I don't need someone who feels the need to tell me that he's going to take a piss. I am not the kind of girl who needs to text her partner that she's going to turn off her phone for work. (A very typical case among the cabin crew, believe it or not!)
I honestly love the freedom that I have, being with Encem.

Things just gets ugly when I am particularly missing him.
Or I'm exceptionally hormonal.
Or I'm troubled..
Bestie is probably tired of hearing me complain and saying that I need to be apart from Encem.

It's not like he doesn't love me. Honestly I can feel it every single time I'm with him. I honestly hope that I am giving off the same feeling too. If so happens that we do not end up together.. it won't be for the lack of love. I did told Dida that.
She asked if that is enough for me -- if love is enough.
All I could say is that most times, it is.

Don't you find it odd that I am talking about love, but somehow I managed to sound so cynical?
I really am a hopeful cynic. Depending on the day that you get to talk to me. Just so happens that I am more cynical than hopeful today. heehee.

I hate doctors.

The nerve of them sometimes.

So it's flu season. Pretty typical in the monsoon, I guess. Really hot during the day, followed by heavy rain in the evening. Good thing we weren't made of stone or we would've crumbled into sands..
Okay, I'm crapping.

Been having the flu for five days now. I guess it's getting better. Ever so slightly.
Took medical leave on my HYD flight on Wednesday. Not too happy with that since I appreciate all the flights I can get but my nose were completely blocked!
When I asked for leave, the doctor totally pissed me off when he said, "okay what, take the meds and in two hours you'll be fine."
I didn't really mean to raise my voice, (that's a lie) when I said, "manaaa.. tak pernah.. Never happen!"
Honestly, kang aku kata tak gi skolah, marah.. But sometimes these panel doctors are just too dumb to be doctors!

I think I know my body better than some doctor I've only met twice, thank you very much.
As far as flu meds goes.. NONE of them ever make me sleep.
The flu meds that my dad swears on; he takes a half of it and he'd be sleeping in half an hour. I took it whole, and it does NOTHING on me!
My sleep-troubles are that bad, I guess.
So yeah, two hours.. MY ASS!

I took my meds before I got into my pick up for my RGN flight this morning, and my nose were runny the whole day!
And all the way I was wishing having that bloody doctor all tied up at the last row of the aircraft with a runny nose.. Dua jam, TOK MU!

Anyway, times like these I am glad I'll be at the lounge come Monday. I finished my flight four hours ago and I still can't hear a thing coming in from my left ear. Really, flu and flight just don't mix! They're murder. Just thinking about the pulsing headache during the descent is giving me the shivers.

Lelah hati.

Came home feeling feverish.. excited to finally try out the digital thermometre I bought a while back.. only to find that the big plastic bag that it was in has gone.

Just as I blogged about spending money that I barely had..

I am so SO tired of life right now.
Can't I just be HAPPY, for God's sake?!!!

Money matters.

Spent the little money that I barely have on a skirt earlier.
I am the worst person to talk to about saving money!
In my defence, I think of it as therapy. I do feel good after buying it. I've been wanting a decent, nowhere-near-hoochie denim skirt for a while.
Just a little guilty knowing that I don't really have to buy it now NOW..
Oh well..

Have I told you that I don't like pants?
Long ones especially. I don't even like wearing jeans. I even have a personal grudge towards Levi's for making me feel fat everytime I tried on their jeans.
And even when my pajamas comes with a long bottom, I always end up folding it up to my knees.
Yeah, I don't like pants.

So I'm glad that I bought the skirt. My shorts needs a rest. So does my VS maxi skirts.
Now I just have to figure out how to survive the rest of the month..

I hate having to work at the lounge for this.
I remember complaining about the lack of livelihood after I had spend so much on Lomo cameras, La Senza lingeries, Clinique chubby sticks.. VS clothes and other things I got online.
Now I complain after getting ONE little skirt!

It sucks..
I want to go back to flying full time again. Where there is no apparent office politics.. where I don't have to miss an overnight in some place because I'd just been there.. Where I could bump into awesome colleagues that I'd still want to go out with even when I'm sick!
(That's what happened last night, by the way.)

I'm feeling worse now, in case you're wondering. The flu meds I've been taking didn't seem to be working at all! I reckon the cigarettes and karaoke last night wasn't helping either.
Suppose I should get to bed early tonight. Call time is at 0520, and I sure hope that my boogers would stop running down my nose by then.
I'm happy that I'll be going home tomorrow.. can't wait to hide under the covers of my own bed!

Kick me when I'm down.

Today is the first of my three days trip in BKI, and I've been sneezing like hell!

Suppose I am due for some kind of sickness. The last time I was sick enough to have to see a doctor was in May. (The one in August was faking sickness, I have to admit.)

Not loving the partially blocked nose.
Serves me for having such lousy sleep lately.

I'm not in the greatest mood.

Feeling lonely mostly. Bestie has been hanging out with his girl and his new friends. Encem's too busy with what ever that he's been doing.. while I stuck around for who knows what.

Feels like all Encem has is just enough time to have a fight with me.

It's getting really old.

Apparently all that I've been feeling were feelings alone.

Encem actually SAID that I should use my head instead.

I think I should kick his balls for just saying that.

Thank you for belittling my bloody feelings, B-O-Y-F-R-I-E-N-D!!

Honestly I hate blogging about this like a friggin' teenager. I should have used my brain a long long time ago. It's been a while since I last felt that we were good for each other.

If only my heart would just stop...

It's sad that I'm rooting for doomsday at the end of this year.

Sure, there's a bunch of things I'd like to do first before I die. Places to be.. to see.

Make my existence count.

But at what cost? My heart getting trampled every other day??

I couldn't take it.

And I don't hate my life THAT much to actually take it away myself. So... Armageddon, come on!

HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHA!!

Yeah, I know I'm dark.
I really should seek professional's help.

48 hours..

Today is the third day I'm on the morning shift..
I've only slept for an average of three hours for the past three nights.
I am zombie-like.
And in dire need to pour my thoughts out after a mere twelve days of blog-fast.

A bunch of things happened the last 48 hours.
They're just.. TOO weird..

I went to Midvalley by myself on Wednesday. Encem had some adult-like things to do so I had to get back home on my own.
So I stood in line for a taxi and there were four people in front of me. A cab stopped and asked the first person where she was heading -- he wouldn't go there. He asked the second, he shook his head. Asked the third and said no. He looked at me and I told him my destination, he motioned to come in.

The taxi driver was a friendly guy, we chatted a bit.. and I couldn't remember how, but at one point I directed him to take a wrong path that led us into Maju Expressway (MEX). Yepp, it was 9pm and I was well on the way to the airport!! *screams*
I laughed it off, naturally. The driver laughed along with me and asked if I smoke to which I said yes. He then stopped at the emergency lane so I could switch place to the front seat and we both smoked as we drove along. As I watched the meter running, I thanked God that my payday was just the day before.
Had a really good chat with that guy. Sure, it was a pricey chat but I didn't really mind. I could still laugh about it and he found it odd that I could.

The next morning I was positioned to do Meet&Greet (M&G), which is a task where I had to meet up with passengers from the check-in counter and assist them to the lounge. (Some BS if you ask me, but it's a wonderful reason to play hookie!)
I had to assist this group of four to the lounge. I was kinda lousy at it but I somehow managed to have a little conversation with one of the ladies. Turns out they were travelling to get materials for her daughter's upcoming wedding. At the boarding gate, she dug her cabin bag and took out her iPad to show me the engagement pictures.
Oh and she tipped me, for some reason! The same amount that I paid for the taxi ride the previous night. hahahha! I was really glad for that.

Then somewhere along the day I was caught smoking where I shouldn't have smoked..
Good thing my ID wasn't confiscated!

Then I was asked to extend my hour to do an M&G of a VVIP (which is something that I truly hate!). ick! I really just hate doing VVIPs.. For one, I don't understand how they became all that IP. They're definitely not important to me.. and the protocols!! UGHHH!!

So I went along with it anyway. Plus, I had the coordinator with me!
I didn't have any trouble getting along with the officials.. talked about football and stuff. And then we were informed that the aircraft is delayed by an hour....
The coordinator asked me if I'd like to stay or head home. You think???

I walked away from the place so fast that I managed to catch the usual ERL train that I take.. Feeling oh-so-lucky to get away.
...but as I was 5 minutes away from my stop, the train stopped and the recorded announcement told us that we've stopped due to technical problems. The train driver/engineer(?) somehow came into the coach from outside and went into the driver's room right behind where I was seated with a colleague.
This colleague of mine somehow heard him saying "dead body" to another engineer.
I was skeptical, of course..

It took almost forty minutes for us to get back to the previous station and change trains. By the time we got to the point where we'd stopped earlier, the train slowed down and changed tracks. We were standing right next to a window so we saw it..

A black shoe.. A clump of pink.. half of a head.. tangled up body.. a foot.. and an arm.....

Yeaaaaaaah.....
That's a horrible way to go.
A horrible thing to see.
Just horrible, really.

And now I'm home alone.. Two nights in a row! Truly hating it. But everybody got their lives, so.. let me just sulk here quietly as I try to cast away yesterday's image.
Having sleep-problems is just not helping!!

Still sick.

Perhaps I'll never be cured.

I'm at a point where I get irked when other people reveals my relationship status to the ones who asked.
I'm just annoyed.
Mostly because I don't even know what my relationship status is.

"It's complicated" just seems lazy.

I know I'm not whole-heartedly in love. Not really. Or at least I don't feel like I am since I'm angry most of the time. I mean, honestly.. would you say that you're in love if you feel like hitting your partner's face with a chair every other day?
I think not.

Lately I just feel used.. and I'm spent.
Feels like I've been talking to a wall for three fucking years.

Dear God, what am I waiting for here?