Week's review!

Oh wow, aren't I interesting to actually have a review of the week?

Anyway, it's been a good one.
I was flying from the end of last month 'til last Sunday. I came for the lounge on Monday, had a day off and been working for four days in a row. And pretty much each night I go to bed at 6am! (Except tonight since it's already 7 in the morning..)
Yeah, I'm troubled. Only this time I am referring specifically to my trouble sleeping.

Flying had been good. I enjoyed myself pretty much on most flights. Even all the delays and short of crew can't keep me down. I had the pleasure, and great luck to fly with good people! Alhamdulillah..
Nothing much on the flying week I suppose. Or maybe I'd waited too long to write about it that I have now forgotten all of the details! hahhahha

My feet hurts and my whole body aches. But my heart is full, and that's what matters the most.
A passenger looked for me by name earlier, which I thought was crazy. I was on a ciggy break and my colleague texted me; "an Indian fella was asking about you".. I thought he was joking! But somehow a face came to mind.

And true enough, the person who was looking for me was a frequent traveller that I keep bumping into at the lounge. I just never thought that he'd remember my name.. I'm pretty sure that I haven't seen him for weeks.. if not months.
Anyway, I enjoyed talking to him. He's just one of those guys who are easy to talk to.
Oh, and he thought I looked Eurasian if not Sarawakian.. which was amusing. He suggested that perhaps somewhere in my ancestry was of Caucasian blood, and I just told him that they're all Indonesian as far as I know. hehe

And today I bumped into an uncle at the aerotrain! I was fussing over my airport ID when somebody approached me. I got quite the shock since I'd only seen him last month at the customs area! Feels like I only get to see my family if they were in the airport somehow..
Basically I've been bumping into a LOT of familiar faces this week..

I'm all out of things to share!
My nails are blue now. I'm gonna talk about that on Tumblr after I get some sleep.
Hope you're all enjoying your weekend.

Bliss.

Can I say that I love myself when I'm in this mood?
Well, things been good and I could easily say that I'm happy.
So naturally, I'm afraid. This feeling doesn't stick too long most of the time. But I'm hoping..
I really love the way I am feeling.

Even when I am blogging this at the lounge.
I am wide-eyed, you have no idea how scary that looks to other people. hahaha!
I figured three cups of coffee would do that to a person. A relatively normal person, anyway.
My nails are green; looks pretty good with the uniform. (I might post a picture later since I'm ALL about nails lately.)

Apparently my Tumblr looks like a make-up blog now, according to Bestie.

Anyway, I'm feeling good.. that's pretty much all I wanted to say.
Have a great week everyboddeh!

Oh! I should probably blog about my flying week next.

Dizzy.

I've been down with a nasty fever for the past couple of days. I didn't go to any clinic because the ones that I usually go to would always make me wait long enough at the waiting room for me to wish that I'd just die right there. So I went into shaman mode and basically take a cold shower every few hours so the heat would leave my body -- and had Panadols.. hahaha!
It worked, I no longer have a fever. But I'm at that stage where I am sort of floating, and everything tastes like metal in my mouth. ughh.

Dida and Encem offered to bring me to the doctor everyday.. But the doctors that I usually end up seeing are.. how shall I say this kindly.. hmm.. Useless.
So honestly speaking, I'd much rather take things into my own hands. I mean, wouldn't you rather die by your own stupidity than a doctor's incompetence? (Okay, perhaps that is just me.)

Being sick also makes me an emotional wreck. I must've cried like fifteen thousand times! I would laugh about something with Encem and the next minute I'd cry non-stop. Even tv shows makes me cry. Tv shows that isn't Grey's Anatomy! (I always cry watching that, whether I'm sick or not..)
So yeah,  hate being sick. Crying all the time just makes it worse.

I was scolded by a passenger on my previous flight. Apparently I was rude to her when I asked her to wait when she asked for a refill of her tea. She recommended that I should go back to training school for the way I behaved blablablaa and she asked, "you get me?"
I said yes.. Not a single apology though. Perhaps I was kinda rude, but to me that was just me being normal. She had asked for a refill when I wasn't even pushing my cart. I was holding a few trays as the passengers at the back haven't even got their meals!
So yeah, I am rude to selfish, inconsiderate bastards. Funny thing was, everyone around her was looking at HER funny, and not at all treated me differently. So, if any of you behaves like an inconsiderate mother-effer on my flight.. do expect rudeness in return.

That makes the second obvious complaint against me since I've been flying. The first was during my first month on the job. A passenger vomited on the aisle while meal service was in commence. I can't remember how or why but I stepped on that puddle of yuck and said (under my breath), "shoot".
At the end of flight my supervisor told me that the sister of the sickly person complained to him that I'd used a vulgar word, and not at all sensitive to the situation.
Honestly, I'd like to see her step into that crap and say "yippee".

People are just weird sometimes..
I do have one more story to tell. But I don't think I'm gonna. It's not funny nor amusing.. So I'd rather be pissed in silence. heh.
I do hope that my head would come back to the ground soon. Gonna be up all night tonight! Four bloody days of absurdity and another day off. It sucks that I'd spend my weekend off being sick. sigh..

F.

You know that feeling you get when things just goes wrong for you?

I just had that sort of day..
When not ONE single thing goes my way. And instead of feeling disappointed or upset, I am plain PISSED!

Seriously, I hate everything and anyone right now. Maybe I'll change my mind in a bit but for now, I am just full of HATE!!!

I hate "privelleged" people. I definitely hate politicians. I hate people with "titles" because honestly, if noone knows exactly the contribution you made to get the title, you definitely didn't earn it.

And I hate that I feel like I keep on giving and giving and getting nothing back! I hate doing favours for people that I don't even like or remotely care.

I hate that I curse everytime I look or think about my roster next month. I am complaining, I know. But I deserve to complain. I SHOULD complain, not all those other kids who complains how their friends got two Taipei and they only got one. COME ON!!!
We have a saying that goes, "if you're not happy, resign."
For once I am really contemplating about it.

Shit.
I should've stick to my plan years ago. This isn't how I imagined my life would be. I was never meant to stay here and be anybody's bitch.

Damn it! I must get out from all this crap.
Sent from my BlackBerry® via Vodafone-Celcom Mobile.

Two sides of every story..

It makes me sad thinking that my friends would gang up on Encem.
And I realize that it's partly my fault..
Haven't you noticed that I mostly write when I'm feeling sappy?
Honestly speaking, I wouldn't BE writing if I wasn't. Most of the time anyway. When I am thoroughly enjoying life, you wouldn't find me writing about it because I'd rather enjoy my life than write about it!

So yeah, I'm miserable a lot. (Or at least I use the word a lot!)
And yes, Encem may or may not be the cause of it.
But to judge him solely based on MY blog is unfair.. because that's just one side of our story.

Let's start off with this; I may or may not have a stable mind to begin with. Dida shall be a witness to that. She plainly calls me "weird". She understands me.. and is completely clueless about me at the same time. But she loves me. Plus, she's my sister so whether she likes it or not.. she accepts me.
Examples of my mind's instability; I speak of death a whole LOT! And I remember saying out loud that I should die when I was EIGHT after a quarrel with Dida. hahahhaha! Do you know anyone who speaks of suicide at the age of eight?
Oh, I am also WAAAY too emotional for my own good.
And when I'm disappointed with someone, I'd think of suicide (rather than murdering the person) just so that person could not make it up to me. In hopes that they'll regret it for the rest of their long lives. Oh yes, I am horribly spiteful.

Honestly, I think I would've been long dead if I didn't believe in God, religion, heaven and hell..

So now comes in Encem..
Is he my soulmate? No idea!
Is it practical to be with him? Not really.. generally I think it's more practical to be alone.
Do I enjoy being in a monogamous relationship? ..well, my thoughts are hardly ever monogamous.
But it isn't fair for me to expect him to SAVE me, is it?
I have this idea that my soulmate should FIX me.. but at the same time, my pride would rather have me fix myself! Hence the constant talk that I need noone.

But the facts are -- I've been with Encem for more than three years. He makes me laugh, he makes me cry. Sometimes he cries with me. He buys me books instead of chocolates, he's incredibly patient and I can never get enough of his hugs.
He cooks for me and I'm pretty sure it's been almost a year since I last made anything for him.
He takes care of me when I'm sick, and he's rarely ever speak ill of me.
Unlike me.. on this blog. See, he doesn't need a blog to speak his mind because he actually says them out loud -- if you manage to pry it out of him.

It isn't his fault that I'm such a needy prick.
He's been the same person that he's always been.
And I never even knew that I could be this needy before I met him. I must admit that in the past, I would've been the one who is chased after. Everything was just too easy.
Encem annoys the crap out of me sometimes.. but he makes me feel alive. (Yes, that sounds corny.)

So don't hate him when you don't even know him.. Only I'm allowed. hehe
Plus, my expectations of him is VERY high, you have no idea.
I'm sorry if you get tired of me venting about my love life.. And I can assure you that it's not going to stop anytime soon.

A line from The Perks Of Being a Wallflower;
We accept the love we think we deserve..
..now, what crossed his mind to think he deserve a psycho like me..?

Want and Need.

I believe, there is a huge difference between needing and wanting to be with someone.
To need gives you no choice. For what ever reason, you must be with the person. It's almost pragmatic.. or calculative.
To want is a choice. A choice that you made each day.. to stay.

See, I don't need you.
And wanting you can change.

Silence is virtue.

I know I've been quiet lately..
Nothing much to say really..

Oh, last night Encem noticed blood in my right eye. I thought it was the normal dot that I've always had.. turns out it was something else! Looks alarming. Kinda scary. I babbled a bit while I tried to calm myself down.
Then I looked it up on Google and diagnosed myself as having Subconjuctival Hemorrhage. Yepp.. bleeding in the eye. No idea how that happened, but apparently it's nothing serious and it should go away in two weeks.

I still went to see the doctor, just to make sure and he told me the same thing that I already knew..
So I'll be having scary-looking right eye for two weeks. gahh!

Other than that.. nothing's going on in my life.
Promised myself not to talk about money, so I'm not gonna.. hehe

2013.

Not loving my year so far..
Kinda wishing it would end. Perhaps I should end altogether..

Yes, I am feeling rather dark and twisted.

Started the year with some promising resolution.. But after two weeks, I guess my expectations got low and I am left with just one;
to get through a week without crying.

That's all I'm asking.

Addicted.

Ebay is EVIL.
I've been on it for an hour looking at OPI nail polishes.
I'm addicted to colouring my nails somehow. Well, it's something to do. Keeps my mind off of things. So I get myself focused on the lighter side of life; like, what colour should I paint my nails with next?

I've been feeling like I'm cheating on Blogger lately. Mostly because I've been on Tumblr more often than here. Somehow Tumblr makes me feel younger..? Made me feel free to rant and actually post pictures of my nails! HAHAHHAHHA! Feels kinda vain, but somehow having it on Tumblr makes it feel okay.
How odd is that anyway?

I've been sad, to be honest.
Just typing those out makes me want to cry. I'd really hate to admit it but it's the truth. I've been complaining about my job a lot lately. Too much for my own liking. I'm unhappy at the lounge.. and I'm complaining about flying. Basically means I belong nowhere!
Sure, if you ask anyone I'm sure they won't tell you that I've been complaining about these to them. I haven't even been talking much to anyone. Not about how I really feel anyway.

Bestie is never around.
Dida is too judgemental.
And Encem.. well, Encem being Encem.. I don't even want to start on that.

I'm sad.. I have no one to turn to.
So yeah, that's what's been going on. Just me, having conversations with myself every single night.. all the time.
It's only been five days of the new year and already I'm telling you some sappy stories!

So now I focus on my nails.. What colours I want them to be..

Wa-heyy!

Kota Kinabalu's Rock Shop is now open and it's only 15 minutes walk from our dingy new hotel! (15 minutes because crossing the freeway was imperative -- the word "safe" does not come to mind when thinking about this new hotel.)

And earlier, a Korean fella stared at me while my colleagues and I were smoking outside the lobby. He was standing right next to me but he was staring that I had to give him a questioning look and said, "Yes?" (My colleagues laughed at this.)

The fella just shook his head a few times, lit his cigarette and stared a little bit more.

So yeah, I don't do well with people invading my personal space. That dude would've gotten much much more than a single word from me had my colleagues did not distract me as they laughed.

Anyway, the new Rock Shop isn't on the Rewards Program yet but that did not stop me from getting a new pin for my collection! I figured I could always come back again anyways. Plus, I HAVE to go back to get Dida's t-shirt for her collection. "Medium" was out of stock, and buying large seemed a bit too much considering Dida had lost so much weight over the past few months!

Nothing else is new in life..

It's 2013 and I feel exactly the same.

I just hope that things will be better.. before I lose myself completely.

Of a troubled mind.

Despite coming home well after midnight for the past couple of days.. I've been having trouble sleeping.
I suppose I could blame tiredness. My entire body has been aching for days.
But I won't deny that there's been a bunch of things on my mind lately.

On a lighter side.. I've been thinking of getting a new phone.
I don't really need it. I'd just like to have it.
Nothing really heavy about that. Sounds kinda dumb even.

I've been feeling really detached. I don't know. Lack of conversations that is worth my while. Couldn't bring myself to care anymore.
I can honestly say that I've been faking smiles this past whole week.
I don't feel like smiling at all. Nor do I feel like making any contact with anyone. Just so happens that I work in a line where I am actually paid to make contact and connections.
Life is kinda sucky at times like these.

Perhaps I'll end up a hermit after all.
I really wish happiness isn't so temporary. But it just feels that way these days.

Oh well, ignore me. It's half past five and I'm obviously sleep-deprived.

Of Birthdays & Books

I'd say Mumu and I are lucky for being born in the same month that we get to have a potluck get together to celebrate our birthday! ..and we all got the same off day on a weekend! Such a rare thing..

Mumu prepared a load of fried finger foods and drinks, Mami brought spaghetti, I brought Tony Roma's ribs (too lazy to prepare my lasagna) and Bestie brought Secret Recipe's brownie.. because his mom's oven broke! sigh..

Oh and I love the presents Mami and Bestie got me!
Thank you thank you thank youuuu!

Then earlier today I finally got myself to the Big Bad Wolf Book Sale. The place was HUUGE but I couldn't find much really. Or at least I couldn't find the books that I was thinking of getting..

"Couldn't find much" translates as ten books.. HAHHAHAHHA!
Cookbooks goes for around 20-30 Ringgit.. Novels are mostly RM8.
I suppose it's better to go with an open mind.. Not really looking for anything specific because trying to search for it would be a nightmare! So today's total damage was about RM100.. and I completely forgot to use the RM10 off voucher that I got just before entering the hall!

I mean, what was that?? Feels like my mind is deteriorating..
But Encem just coolly said, "then maybe we'll go there again.."
hmmm.. Maybe. If payday comes early. I really hope that it does because I'm grasping for air again..

Gahh!! I hate how this is a constant trouble of mine at the end of every month.
It's like I'm twenty-eight and I never learn..
HAHAHHAHA!

Oh!

Yesterday was my birthday?
Pffft..

That is to say that I had the worst birthday yet.
I don't know.. Something about birthdays that simply get to me.
Messes with me to the core.
Funny how I feel fine today.

I say fine, not great. Just fine. Nothing to shout about.
Nothing else to say. Feels like yesterday somehow marred my whole being. A nagging feeling that I won't ever feel great.

Oh well, maybe I'm wrong.
I'd love to be wrong.

Zzzz

I basically slept the whole day of yesterday. Or at least it feels like it.
Got home from work at half past one, fell asleep after five, woke up around noon, fell asleep again after dusk, woken up around ten, fell right back to sleep, and now I just had my shower.. After midnight.
Gahhh!
I totally wasted the my day off yesterday. I know I wouldn't want to go out when it was a Selangor public holiday but I should've at least de-clutter my room! It's annoying to get a day off on a public holiday.
And now I feel like I should take a little more nap before I need to get ready for work.

Days had been uneventful.
Dida asked me what I want for my birthday. Totally cheating, but I finally figured out that I wanted a favour for my birthday. It's starting to feel a bit complicated, so I think I'm going to just cancel that.

Yeaaah.. so my birthday is coming up. For what ever reason I feel like crying when I think about it.
Perhaps I should try getting that nap now. I don't feel like talking it out while I try to figure out why I feel like crying.

Update!

Update on my previous post;

1. Nothing really good at Clark's warehouse sale. Perhaps everything was sold out, but I was hoping to find a pair of ladies boots but none of them looked good.
2. I spent RM300 at LaSenza while they had that 50% off when you buy 10 items offer. Whoops!
3. After calling and visiting FOURTEEN Clinique places, I finally found the Chubby Sticks set that I've been looking for at Isetan, Lot 10!

So glad that the search was over.

To think that I still have one left of last year's set! Bahahhahaha!
I wonder how next year's set would look like. I gotta remind myself to keep a look out for it early November so I won't have to search around like a mad woman again..

4. I haven't bought anything from Typo yet.. But I don't exactly need anything right now so I can wait.. The things that I usually want always go for less after a while anyway.
I suppose it's weird, but what I had in mind is the glitter-tape.. I have this odd fixation for wrappers and ribbons for the sole purpose of gift wrapping! Even when I was younger, while others collected stamps or erasers, I collect wrapping papers!

Today is my second day off and I'd already lounged the whole of yesterday.. Guess I should really do something useful today.
I really should sort out my wardrobe!

Stop. Shop.

Clinique Chubby Sticks.

Typo.

LaSenza 50% Off.

Clarks Warehouse Sale.

Shit.

Year-End Sales are hell scary.

Dear God, guide me away from things that I don't need.

I guess we are certain that I'm getting the Clinique Chubby Stick Christmas gift set. I am telling myself not to buy it if it costs more that RM150. I'll try to remind myself that as much as I can. Even if I call it as my birthday present. I'll try to be strong.

Please let it be less than RM150!

I think I spent RM120 on last year's set.

I can never say no to things from Typo.

I haven't bought anything from LaSenza for MONTHS! It's time, really..

Then there's Clarks warehouse sale happening somewhere in Damansara that ends this Sunday! Really wanted to see what's there.. But I'm afraid that I might not be able to go! Grrr..

Y-E-S are scaryyyyy!!!

Cynical.

Okay, so Bestie said something to me last night that kinda bothered me. It wasn't his intention, but honestly it just opened my eyes a bit.

I know how cynical and unhappy I sound in my blog.. but it's not really as if I'm incapable of happiness. Funny how I am more eloquent when I'm expressing unhappiness. To be honest, I am just scared.
It always feels like happiness just loves to run around in my presence, so I simply don't talk about it for fear of spooking it.

Dida and I had a conversation the other day. I told her that I've recently realized that my psychological trait were really based on the environment I grew up in. (Yes, very Freudian.) Being the youngest, I feel small and timid to a point where I feel unimportant sometimes. That I don't matter.
That's the usual case with me and Encem honestly.
When he didn't let me in on his plans.. when he didn't call or text..
Feels like I'm so easily forgotten.

To be honest though, I don't really need someone to call me every hour. I don't need someone who feels the need to tell me that he's going to take a piss. I am not the kind of girl who needs to text her partner that she's going to turn off her phone for work. (A very typical case among the cabin crew, believe it or not!)
I honestly love the freedom that I have, being with Encem.

Things just gets ugly when I am particularly missing him.
Or I'm exceptionally hormonal.
Or I'm troubled..
Bestie is probably tired of hearing me complain and saying that I need to be apart from Encem.

It's not like he doesn't love me. Honestly I can feel it every single time I'm with him. I honestly hope that I am giving off the same feeling too. If so happens that we do not end up together.. it won't be for the lack of love. I did told Dida that.
She asked if that is enough for me -- if love is enough.
All I could say is that most times, it is.

Don't you find it odd that I am talking about love, but somehow I managed to sound so cynical?
I really am a hopeful cynic. Depending on the day that you get to talk to me. Just so happens that I am more cynical than hopeful today. heehee.

I hate doctors.

The nerve of them sometimes.

So it's flu season. Pretty typical in the monsoon, I guess. Really hot during the day, followed by heavy rain in the evening. Good thing we weren't made of stone or we would've crumbled into sands..
Okay, I'm crapping.

Been having the flu for five days now. I guess it's getting better. Ever so slightly.
Took medical leave on my HYD flight on Wednesday. Not too happy with that since I appreciate all the flights I can get but my nose were completely blocked!
When I asked for leave, the doctor totally pissed me off when he said, "okay what, take the meds and in two hours you'll be fine."
I didn't really mean to raise my voice, (that's a lie) when I said, "manaaa.. tak pernah.. Never happen!"
Honestly, kang aku kata tak gi skolah, marah.. But sometimes these panel doctors are just too dumb to be doctors!

I think I know my body better than some doctor I've only met twice, thank you very much.
As far as flu meds goes.. NONE of them ever make me sleep.
The flu meds that my dad swears on; he takes a half of it and he'd be sleeping in half an hour. I took it whole, and it does NOTHING on me!
My sleep-troubles are that bad, I guess.
So yeah, two hours.. MY ASS!

I took my meds before I got into my pick up for my RGN flight this morning, and my nose were runny the whole day!
And all the way I was wishing having that bloody doctor all tied up at the last row of the aircraft with a runny nose.. Dua jam, TOK MU!

Anyway, times like these I am glad I'll be at the lounge come Monday. I finished my flight four hours ago and I still can't hear a thing coming in from my left ear. Really, flu and flight just don't mix! They're murder. Just thinking about the pulsing headache during the descent is giving me the shivers.

Lelah hati.

Came home feeling feverish.. excited to finally try out the digital thermometre I bought a while back.. only to find that the big plastic bag that it was in has gone.

Just as I blogged about spending money that I barely had..

I am so SO tired of life right now.
Can't I just be HAPPY, for God's sake?!!!

Money matters.

Spent the little money that I barely have on a skirt earlier.
I am the worst person to talk to about saving money!
In my defence, I think of it as therapy. I do feel good after buying it. I've been wanting a decent, nowhere-near-hoochie denim skirt for a while.
Just a little guilty knowing that I don't really have to buy it now NOW..
Oh well..

Have I told you that I don't like pants?
Long ones especially. I don't even like wearing jeans. I even have a personal grudge towards Levi's for making me feel fat everytime I tried on their jeans.
And even when my pajamas comes with a long bottom, I always end up folding it up to my knees.
Yeah, I don't like pants.

So I'm glad that I bought the skirt. My shorts needs a rest. So does my VS maxi skirts.
Now I just have to figure out how to survive the rest of the month..

I hate having to work at the lounge for this.
I remember complaining about the lack of livelihood after I had spend so much on Lomo cameras, La Senza lingeries, Clinique chubby sticks.. VS clothes and other things I got online.
Now I complain after getting ONE little skirt!

It sucks..
I want to go back to flying full time again. Where there is no apparent office politics.. where I don't have to miss an overnight in some place because I'd just been there.. Where I could bump into awesome colleagues that I'd still want to go out with even when I'm sick!
(That's what happened last night, by the way.)

I'm feeling worse now, in case you're wondering. The flu meds I've been taking didn't seem to be working at all! I reckon the cigarettes and karaoke last night wasn't helping either.
Suppose I should get to bed early tonight. Call time is at 0520, and I sure hope that my boogers would stop running down my nose by then.
I'm happy that I'll be going home tomorrow.. can't wait to hide under the covers of my own bed!