Of course I'm fine!

I mean, who would ever confess how they really feel when asked if they're okay?

hahahaha!

Not me, definitely.

Anyway, I'm thankful for having family and friends who are well attuned to my moods -- or at least my tweets! hahahhaha!

If I'm being honest, I've been feeling like crap for the past few days. I don't know why it's so hard to say it out loud. Well, I know. I don't want to get those judgy quizzical looks and have to deal with questions that I don't have the answers for.

Sometimes I get shit handed to me and my being just makes it ten thousands worse.

Why?

I don't know! I wish I do.. but I don't!

Maybe I'm depressed. Maybe my mood swings and insomnia could attest to that. Maybe I'm just hopeless, who knows?

Maybe I'll die alone.

Maybe I deserve that.

Maybe I was put here to be a conundrum to everyone and even myself!

What I do know, I've successfully given myself a headache from trying to word my feelings in this entry. Should I even call this an entry? I doubt it.

Anyway, I had the past couple of days off and despite wanting to do a lot of things, I got myself stuck in bed just reading..

Sometimes I feel like I could get a lot of shit done if I hated reading.

2015

Every year I give myself some silly resolutions to achieve and this year shouldn't be any different!

Silly, so I wouldn't be too bummed if I fail to follow through. heh! Not that I don't have faith in myself, but I don't take "New Year's Resolution" too seriously to begin with. You don't need a new year to start working on a life goal, do you?
So yeah, I save the silly ones especially for the new year..

1. Stop putting Blue October, Taylor Swift and Maroon 5 on loop.
It's getting a little out of hand! I am especially OBSESSED with 1989. The album reminds me of Bruno Mars' album or Lady Gaga's. No they don't sound the same, not even the same genre.. but I feel like every song in the album sounded so different from one another. You can't get bored to it!

2. Start a scrapbook.
Well, maybe not a scrapbook. After seeing a video on YouTube about Project Life by Becky Higgins, I am especially intrigued. But that crap is pricey, damn! (It's on the wishlist now! hahahha!) I love the concept, as it's more of an album than an actual scrapbook so it isn't the same as writing in my Moleskine. But yeah.. I think this year I'll be sticking more photos into my Moleskine instead of just doodling in it. Then maybe if I end up sticking too many photos in there, I'll get myself one of those Project Life starter kits!
note: there is NO DOUBT that I WILL be getting Project Life sometime in my life. Can't get it off my mind!

3. Set aside a sum of money each month.
I talk about saving up every friggin' year, I swear! But seeing the success of saving up for my birthday last year, I think I should start early this year! Can't think of what I want for my birthday just yet, but perhaps I could use the money for a long vacation somewhere!.. or my wedding. JENG JENG JENGG!! hahahaha!! Still can't talk about that with a serious face. Oh well, it could happen..

4. Control on the beauty stuff.

Obviously I don't need anymore makeup. I've been pretty good with the skincare stuff. I know what my skin loves.

As for makeup.. Honestly, I don't need anymore palettes, lip products or nail polish! But I'll be real, I can't quite say no to NARS. So I'll cut myself some slack in that area heh!

I do need to get rid of some old makeup though. Gotta stop hoarding and throw away expired stuff!

5. Get rid of old clothes and shoes..

I have plenty of that! And I'm not even holding on to them.. Just that I'm too lazy to take the time and sort the ones that I no longer need.

Honestly, "make use of my time better" should be on this list.

Oh, I still don't need anymore cardigans, coats, jackets, sweaters or boots! So yeah, I don't plan on getting rid of old things so I could get new ones.. I just need to declutter my life, really.

6. Blog more than last year.

hahhahahahha!

7. Lead a healthier lifestyle.

Typical new year's resolution!
Smoke less, drink less caffeinated drinks, take less sugar, drink more water, not to skip meals, get more sleep.. Exercise..? HAHAHAHA!! I should take myself seriously, but really, I'm only excited about "exercising" for the cute outfits.

So that's it! Seven of my 2015 resolution!

So far I can say that only #2 is going on well. Haven't started on the rest yet. teehee! I have been taking less sugar in my coffee/tea for the past two-three months but I think it's kinda moot when some days I drink three to four cups of coffee/tea! huhuuu

Did anyone else make some sort of a resolution this year? How are they coming along?

I hope you're having a wonderful 2015 so far and good luck in following those resolution -- if you made any.

Whoops!

I've been silent again.. Sorry!

Feels like I've been giving myself excuses to not blog, but really.. I've been kinda busy since my last update.

I was on leave from 6th to 11th and on 12th I flew to Taipei. Came back from that and headed to Sydney the day after. Came back from that and did one of my longest flights ever -- turnaround Manila that got delayed because the airport was closed at the time we were supposed to land as the pope was travelling!

I was pooped beyond words. I don't know about you but whenever I get a long break from work, it's really hard for my body to get accustomed to working again!

My everything just ached and it was no fun at all! Two days off, and here I am in Dubai!

The last time I was here was yeaaars ago! Now apart from my cousin, I also have an aunty who works here. We got together last night and had a wonderful dinner. Chatting and catching up, said our goodbyes around 11pm -- which was 3am back home!! Hahahahaha

I felt kinda bad for having "dinner" at 1am.. Oh well.

I've also been busy from actively writing in my Moleskine again. I haven't got the chance to share with you my year's "resolution" but among it was to record my daily life in a sort-of scrapbook form. I'll explain when I get around to write about my resolution but basically, January isn't over yet but my Moleskine is significantly thicker! -- and I LOVE it!

My sleep-pattern is still crap. Last night my aunty asked how I get use to "jetlag" or if there's a way around it. I told her that I'm a bad sleeper wherever I am so I am not the best person to answer that! Like last night, I got back at the hotel just before midnight, fell asleep around 2am (6am back home!) woke up around 5 for whatever reason and told myself that it was ridiculous to have enough sleep then. Went back to sleep and woke up again around 8!

Sometimes I worry myself when my body does this kind of crap.

Flying home this evening, another turnaround on Friday and then off days during the weekend! Really looking forward to that!

2014 Round-Up : Resolution

Happy New Year!!
I was meant to post this as the closing entry for 2014.. Oh well!
Every year I like to go back and reflect on how I did with the resolution I set myself to. (I don't necessarily blog about it, though.)

1. For every clothing that I buy, I must throw/give away a piece that I no longer wear.

I didn't throw away as much as I should, I must admit. But I also didn't buy as much clothes as I normally would! So hey, that's something. I do find myself loving Uniqlo recently. I love that they always have some things on offer during weekends! Love their bra-tops (because really, why wear a bra when there's one attached to your top? haha!) and if the Airism bra-top is on offer -- SCORE!

2. No girly-things splurges unless something really good comes along, or I've been eyeing on that certain thing for more than say.. three months.
I don't think I have much of "splurges" in 2014! *pats back* I mean, sure I have about five unused mascaras in my stash but they're all travel size.. hahahha! Excuses, yes. But apart from that, I think I am over that "I need to try everything!" phase. Kinda. My wishlist keeps on growing but I think that's a good sign -- means that I'm not buying them.
Pretty sure my "splurges" now only comes from NARS.

3. Enough shoes, bags and jackets!
Ooh! I didn't buy any jacket!
I did buy a pair of loafers from Aldo because I needed one that wouldn't hurt my feet. (Had a pair from Clarks for years but they're still as stiff as the first day I bought them! ughh!)
And I got myself a Rebecca Minkoff bag -- for my birthday, so that doesn't count!
I've been good, really. And Encem and Bestie had been good to me too for getting me things that I resolved not to buy myself. hehe

4. Slow down on the cigarettes, Starbucks and Coffee Bean.
err.. I definitely don't go to Starbucks anymore -- unless there isn't any Coffee Bean in sight. But.. yeaah.. Coffee and cigarettes are such perfect ways to waste some time! aaghh!

5. Blog again.. Once a week at least
hahahhaha! Well, you know I failed this one.

Are we ready for 2015's resolution?
bahahahha

2014 Round-Up : Life *cough*

--or lack thereof, really.

It's times like this where I'm glad that I have a Moleskine. Honestly I have no idea where this year has gone or what I did throughout this year! I can't have been working so much that I've lost track on everything, can I?
Well, I probably did work a lot for the first half of the year. Or for the most part of the year, even. Not until recently do I get loose rosters -- which is perfectly fine by me!

I don't think anything really extraordinary happened this year -- except that my *big* thirtieth was pretty much poop! (Yes, I'm still bitter!) Can I stay twenty-nine, pretty pleaaase? hahahha!

Suppose it's fitting that I am writing this in Kathmandu, as this place was among my first nightstops this year. *Nothing* much here really. Not that there isn't anything to see, but I haven't been anywhere much around here. It's a good thing that the hotel where we're staying is within walking distance of among the holiest Buddhist sites in Kathmandu. I thought that was something..

Some other firsts were Sydney and Darwin. I've probably been to Australian cities more than Johor Bharu this year! More Sydney now than JB, even!

Then there was the first time in Narita -- where me and two boys took the bus to spend the day in Tokyo! Man, that was a long bus trip but a good one! We hit the Hard Rock Cafe for the merchandises (typical!) and visited dear Hachiko!
I also went to Adelaide for the first time this year and I must say that it's my favourite Australian city so far. There is that chill vibe that I just fell in love with. Can't really explain it. Also, I find that Halal food is even more easier to find there!
And though I've flown to Incheon before (a few years ago, I believe) this year I got the proper chance to look around some bits of Seoul. Managed to even go to the N Seoul Tower and leave a padlock there. *ehem* I wonder if it'll still be there the next time I go -- or if I'll be able to even find it! heehee

I operated more Airbus flights this year, compared to previous years.
I love seeing the new places, but I'm not stoked by the fact that it only happened after the two tragedies that hit us this year. You know which one. I don't want to talk about it. But I will say that I'm not too keen about work after what happened. The constant worry about everything is just.. too much, sometimes. Who would've thought that being an air hostess would be among the most dangerous occupation in the world?
And after what happened to QZ.. honestly, I just.. I can only barely feel anymore.
So I'm moving on..

I was also more keen on writing in my Moleskine again. Somehow it got me to "plan" things out a bit better. Also remembering things like where I've been to so I could write that big chunk up there! heehee
This year Dida and I got to catch the Formula 1 after missing it last year.

My family wore orange for Eid, and despite being pregnant, Kina wouldn't miss our annual jump! (She gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, Amni Madihah on the 20th of September.)

Because I've been to Australia a LOT, I got myself hooked to Pods; one of man's greatest creation! hahahha! I've mentioned that I'm not a huge chocolate fan.. but I am all over this stuff! (The Snickers is my absolute favourite!) You could sometimes find it at Cold Storage back home but at extortionate price! So yeah.. I shall note here that I am at my heaviest -- EVER. Thanks to Encem for introducing them to me! pfft!

My NARSism blew into a whole other level this year. Having them follow me on Twitter and being sent some nail polish even, just got me fangirling like never before! hahahaha

Being away for too long from Encem does not suit me very well. Before the first time he left, the longest we had ever been apart was, what? Nine days? Two weeks, max! So yeah.. I've been out of it whenever he's away for too long. Like I said, worrying gets a little too much.

Can't imagine my life without that twit. Can't imagine a world where there's no him, really.. the asshole.

I am blessed to live another year, have friends and family to pull me through the hard times.. Thankful for still having things to laugh about, smile about. Glad to still have my sanity -- or at least something like it.
Dear God, I hope 2015 will be exciting as hell (not literally, of course; I doubt "exciting" would be the word to describe hell! ha!) and that I wouldn't cry as much! heehee

2014 Round-Up : Beauty

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Up all night.

I wish!

How about a confession?

Etihad is hiring.
Can't say I'm not interested. The idea has always intrigued me.
While I have valid excuses for not going to other companies while others did;
AK -- "ughhh six sectors?"
D7 -- "ughhh TPE, KTM turnaround?", "I like the colour red.. I don't want to get sick of it", and my personal favourite; "I'm too lazy to shave my legs!"
QR -- "ughhh no smoking? Curfews? wth!"
EK -- "ughhh pak Arab.. *pretend barf*"
SQ -- "ughh they all have the same makeup.. *pretend snore*"
CX -- "nu uhh! Pretty sure they serve pork onboard"

It's no secret to my close friends that I loath pak Arab passengers, so moving to their country is very very unlikely. But I don't know why I always have this idea that if ever I am moving on from my current company.. it'll be for EY. There is an unexplainable pull towards them, somehow.

But anyway, I don't think I'll try out because my legs are looking pretty nasty. I think I might have developed an allergic reaction to flying. heh! It's not exactly something new, though. My legs have been acting up on and off ever since I started flying and they get exceptionally dry when I spend too much time in the cabin.
Having "itchy" hands of course does not help, but the itch is manageable if I'm away from work for a few days!

They got much worse the last quarter of this year somehow. I honestly cannot remember where I've even placed my shorts because it's been so freakin' long since I put them on. It's sad really. I should go see a doctor about it. bleh!

Anyway, my mood gets pretty lousy when people talks about leaving.
I hated when Encem left but that was a bad time for all of us so it made sense for him to leave. So did a lot of my friends then.
This year a few of my dear friends left and I couldn't help but feel like I was punched right to the heart. I can honestly count with my fingers of the people whom I really felt a kinship with. I was thoroughly upset when I found out Syam was leaving. More upset because we spent some time in Narita just the week before the news got out and he didn't say a word! I suppose there were hints, but I was blinded with happiness of spending my day with a friend. That one hit me pretty hard.
Bestie have always wanted to join EK. I don't even know if our friends knows that about him, but he always keep track of their open day. I feel like he's bound to get in one day, and I'm sure I'll hate it when he leaves.

Oh, what was I talking about really?
I think it's great that people around me has some sort of an idea of where they want to go.. some kind of a goal. I think I am heading into the dark again. I feel like I have nothing much to look forward to.. somehow.
Anyway, I always get the strongest urge to shop when I'm having this sort of shitty mood. Some sort of a defense mechanism where I distract myself with new shiny things and keep me away from falling into the abyss.
At least I have some exciting packages to look forward to in two weeks' time!

"Teenage" angst.

Please take into consideration that I'm having some sort of a mood at the moment.
I feel like I am walking on thin ice that is my sanity. I'll probably break down in about ten minutes.

I was musing that after all this years my taste in music hasn't changed much. I still love listening to Blue October as loud as I can. I still feel like kicking myself for not catching them live way back in 2006 -- long story -- or no story at all.

Oh well.. anyway.. Justin knows how to make "feeling like crap" into music so I'll be listening to him tonight.

Kusut.

4D : Cincin you pakai tu cincin tunang ke cincin kawen?
W : hehe.. cincin chup.
4D : Oo.. untung la dia dah chup.
W : HAHAHAHA! Entahlah dia rasa untung ke idak..

The Quest of Becoming Somebody (Part 7)

The fact that I had not updated the "quest" in six years almost say that I hadn't learn anything since Part 6! hahaha! I didn't think that I'd left the "series" that long.
But it has been long.. too long that I had to reread what I had written so far.

And of everything that I reread.. what stuck to me was the comment left on Part 6..

I remember that he was the kindest, sweetest Virgo ever existed. hahaha! I remember how often he used to call me. Skyped. Hated any guy I ever talked about. Crazy jealous. teehee. Rightfully so, as it turned out.

Is it terrible that I wish I could still hang out with him whenever I find myself in Singapore? I can't help passing by a Coffee Club and think that it was "our" place. hahaha! But I can't keep being turned down when I ask. My pride just won't let me. Perhaps he truly was busy and couldn't make time for me, or maybe he just friggin' hates me!
Somehow I refuse to believe that he hates me, even when I think that he has the right to.
Aren't I annoying? heh

He was the push I needed that led me to my job now, after all. If I hadn't met him, I wouldn't get the chance to go to places that I'd seen. I wouldn't have met Encem. Of course, I deserve a kick in the shins for just saying that, but what I'm trying to say is that he played a major role in my life. So it's quite impossible for me to forget him. (Not that I ever tried to.)

People say that you should not have any regrets in your life.
Well, I regret the way we ended.
I was a horrible.. horrible person. I don't think I'll ever get over it.
I was dishonest then, sneaking around, say that everything was fine. Lied to him, lied to my friends.. So I promised myself to be as honest as I can with my feelings.
Because that's where I tend to lie the most. Well, not necessarily lie. But I hide my feelings the most.

So yeah, sometimes I scare the crap of myself when I hide how I really feel from Encem. Afraid that it'll somehow lead to something else.. Not realizing that I was hiding things to begin with then suddenly finding someone whom I didn't have to hide from.
So you could say that I'm pretty nasty to Encem sometimes. In an excuse to "not hide". hahahah! Of course, I tend to keep my feelings to myself until I can't quite take it anymore so I blew up in his face.
To quote Adele;

I know I have a fickle heart and a bitterness

And a wandering eye and heaviness in my head

I do admire his patience.

Am I horrible for thinking about the ex? Can't help but wonder what kind of life he's living now. If he's happy. Married even! I wonder if he reads my blog still.. yikes!

Wasting away..

Whoaa, aren't I chatty this week?
Perhaps I'm trying to make up for the ones I was supposed to write once a week! hahahha! (I've written 36 posts so far and there are 53 weeks this year.. So minus this one, I only have 16 more to write! HAHAHAHHA!)

I've been feeling kinda numb today so I thought I'll probably write something that sounds more like my normal self. If I get to have a soundtrack, some kind of a theme song for this week, it's going to be Habits by Tove Lo. Not that the lyrics applies to me 100% but I pretty much need something to keep my mind off my loneliness.

I know I'm quite pathetic. Pretty much immovable when Encem isn't around. I just can't quit moping around. I was supposed to change my bedsheet and sort my dirty clothes to be sent to the laundry, but really.. I just couldn't be bothered with it! Yeah, so pathetic. The feminist in me is vomiting blood.

Seriously though, I keep telling Encem that he's my circus monkey. (Okay, can we actually be serious with that statement?) If you see me interact with him, as Mamita worded it, I seemed annoyed with a lot of his actions. Yeah, well.. that's just my face maybe. hahahha! But he makes me laugh most times. He keeps me light and the dark thoughts away.. even when he annoys the crap out of me.
It's always when he's away that I'm troubled.
So yeah, let's all blame him for all my crazy posts.

Anyway, my long "holiday" is coming to an end. I have been off from work since Wednesday and so far I've spent my days just wasting away. Putting off laundry. Putting off emails that I was supposed to write. Putting off life basically. And I can't really blame Encem for that.
I am just LAZY, really.
I've been sleeping terribly this week; basically dozing off as the day breaks. So of course I would be knocked out 'til the afternoon since I know I haven't got any plans during the day. Then I simply gave up trying to be productive knowing that half the day is gone. Sad, I know.
But tomorrow's my last day off and I'm hoping that I would finally get things done!

Today I did something semi-productive by reading a book! I say semi-productive because I was still in bed basically lazing but at least I wasn't surfing around the internet for nothing or got myself glued to YouTube.
I was reading Four : A Divergent Collection by Veronica Roth which is basically some bits of Divergent and a bit before that in Four's (the male protagonist of the series) point of view.
I always find it interesting, reading books that has two sides of the situation. I find it amusing when there is a male point of view. Then of course I was reminded by the fact that the book was written by a GIRL and that kinda spoiled the initial giddiness that I was feeling. It was nice while it lasted.

Should it matter though? Somehow I couldn't take Four seriously because he was written by a girl; that his "feelings" weren't real -- when really, he's a fictional character to begin with!! What the heck is wrong with me??? hahahaha!!

I'll probably catch up on some more reading if I fail to fall asleep again tonight.

Shit-Day.

Oh hey, I made it to thirty! woop woop!
Probably one of the worst birthdays, yet.
Feels like I keep doing this to myself. Have some incredibly high expectation for my birthday and then of course, when it didn't turn out as incredible as I had hoped, I just end up feeling crushed. Border-lining to depressed.
I NEVER learn, seriously. Perhaps that's one way to keep myself "young"! Ha ha ha. Just keep having foolish expectations.

I just realized that my favourite word this week has been -- thanks.
I forgive you -- "thanks."
Happy birthday, Wanie -- "thanks"
Love you -- "thanks"
Pretty sure I didn't bump my head that I lost my vocabulary but this week's been shitty enough, I didn't feel like starting a fight. Although I'm pretty certain that I am having some sort of a fight with my mum, which is a bit ridiculous when I think about it. Well, I'm too old to blab about THAT on the internet.

Of course, not saying what I really mean to say means that I cry even more. Ha ha ha! I'm probably too old to cry too, but it's the only way for me to keep my sanity. Well, maybe not my sanity. But it keeps me from cursing..? hahahha!
I've come to accept that I can be truly mean when I am honest.
I am probably a bad person if my honesty is something bad, right? hahahha

How about we move on to the positive side of this birthday?
I got AWESOME presies from Bestie and Mamita! They really outdid themselves and completely threw me off of my game! I gotta step up for their birthdays next year! Bestie especially since he really surprised me with a Yankee Candle and a pair of Timberland boots! I already think that what I got him is not up to my standard (yepp, his birthday is in February and I already have his present!) but now I'm certain that I have to amp it up! Mamita gave me a YSL body lotion (oh so fancy!) and NARS' Light Reflecting Loose Setting Powder AND Audacious lipstick in the shade Greta. hahahha! They really "get" me.
Wish I had them around.. then probably I wouldn't be so miserable with Encem gone, Mumu unavailable and everything.

You know how people say that if you're rotten inside, doesn't matter how beautiful you look.. you will still come off as rotten?
That's me.
I am rotten inside. Because even when Papa and Dida made time for me on my birthday, had a really good meal together.. At the end of the day, I came home feeling miserable still. sigh

Oh! What did I get myself? Apart from NARS' Yachiyo brush that I had mentioned, I got myself NARSskin travel set (not on the wishlist, but I ran out of my Origins' serum and eye cream, so I might as well splurge on a set!) and Rebecca Minkoff's Mini M.A.C. which was a bargain that I found while I was in Narita earlier this month! heehee.
So instead of getting ONE big thing for myself.. I got THREE medium things!

I'll update with a photo once I stop feeling so miserable.
Writing obviously didn't help it go away. I was hoping that it would, but nope.
Oh and I'm too moody to proof-read this entry, so pardon me if there's typo and grammatical error. Writing in a mood such as this should be made illegal.

Left behind..

Encem left for Jeddah again last Tuesday.. for who knows how long.
I was okay (as okay as I can be, anyway) at first but I cried tonight. I cry a lot, so that's nothing special. I cry when I'm excited about something. I cry when someone tells me a sappy story. I cry when I hear stories about ghosts. And tonight I cried because I was angry.
I was sad and angry at the same time.
It's irrational but I felt like throwing my phone to the wall or uninstall my Whatsapp. What does Whatsapp have anything to do with it?? WHO KNOWS!
I am just extremely emotional right now and while smashing something would be ideal, removing myself from the "world" seemed like the next best thing -- said the blogger who ended up writing this post, of all things!

It's only been two (three?) days and having Encem tell me that he misses me makes me want to make him eat my shoe! It has ONLY been two days and he was the one who got on the plane in the first place! How STUPID is that? It is just as stupid as me saying that I missed him too. Hahahaha! Truth be told, I don't quite miss him.. Not yet anyway. I'm mostly just angry angry ANGRY!

I really should be used to this, but it aches still.
Honestly, I was upset enough at the beginning of the month when our rosters came out and found out that Encem would be working on my birthday weekend and the soonest I would be able to see him would be on the 14th. Then last weekend his roster was revised because he was to be sent to Jeddah!
Congratulations Wanie, not only he won't be around on your birthday, you don't even know when you will get to see him next!

This month just keeps on getting BETTER, I swear! #sarcasm

I am just.. crushed, can you tell?
Sorry you had to read me vent. You would think I'd be calmer and wiser, so close to turning THIRTY.
All of our normal celebrations this year were spent apart. His birthday, Eid, anniversary.. my birthday. Aren't those good excuses to be pissed at 3 o'clock in the morning? It sure as hell sounds good to me to cry out of frustration.

Okay, I am done venting. Well, not really but I am done sounding like a psycho on the internet.
What a horrible blogger I am; silent for many weeks and suddenly posting some crap just for the sake of venting. Oh well..

The Birthday Wishlist..

It's almost ridiculous how excited I am about birthdays.. Not even just for mine! I tend to "plan" other people's birthday presents months in advance, if I'm honest. Not exactly plan per se, but if I get inspired five months ahead of their birthday, you can be sure that I'd get their present five months in advance!

So for my own birthday, I've been saving up a bit these past few months so I could reward myself with something "big". Not as big as a house, as Encem thought, but something ridiculously expensive (for what it really is) that I wouldn't normally indulge in.

The fashion bits;

Rebecca Minkoff Mini M.A.C ($195) and Hudson Moto Mini ($265) are something that I have been eyeing for months. Sling-bags are pretty much a staple of mine, if you know me at all. I rarely ever leave home without one. They're good with jeans and dresses and I know I'd get a lot of use of it, if I decided to get one.

Of course, there's nothing wrong with my current Billabong sling bag that Encem bought me, so.. there's that.

Handbags are something that I'd like to be more into, and though I'm not exactly brand-focus when it comes to fashion, the Louis Vuitton Totally PM ($1270) is a beaut! If I'm absolutely honest, I am especially keen on the pockets at the side! Hahahaha! Being an LV doesn't hurt either and it IS in that "ridiculously pricey" category. The Michael Kors Jet Set Top-Zip Saffiano ($248) is similarly designed for a fraction of the price.. But it's not an LV, is it? heehee

I really don't own any real branded items in my wardrobe unless you count the Longchamp Le Pliage which was also a gift from Encem. huhuu

Now if you've been reading my blog for years, you'd probably notice that I've been covetting for Christian Louboutin's shoes for a very very veerry long time.

Although I'd LOVE to own a pair of booties by him, I don't see any that I love this season so I don't have a problem with settling for the Pigalle (RM2560) or the New Simple Pump (RM3270) heehee.

The main problem about this though, Christian Louboutin does not have a store in Malaysia (as far as I am aware) so I am not confident to buy shoes online! And for a pair of shoes that I don't have the time to wear and costs that much.. err... But it is ridiculous.

The make-up bits;

Can't expect a wishlist without anything from NARS, right? Hahahha! There is just something about the Yachiyo brush ($55) that I really find beautiful. The peculiar design just gets to me and I must confess -- I've bought and used it already! Hahahahha! So much for being on the "wishlist"! But it has been on that wishlist for months and while I was making an order from Nars, I thought that I might as well just get it! Then when it arrived, having the box just staring at me.. I couldn't wait 'til my birthday and caved. hahahha!

One that I don't "need" but might get anyway is the blush in the shade Oasis (RM120). Alan, the Nars make-up artist in Penang put it on me the last time I was there and I couldn't help but curse under my breath. I really don't need another blush but damn, it looked goooood! I probably shouldn't get this though, since I'd just bought the Modern Future set from their holiday collection because I *felt* like it. hahaha!

I seriously suck at saving, can you tell?

More things that I don't need are make-up bags!! But I really love the promise of organisation that the Laura Mercier Custom Artist Portfolio ($98) could bring. As for Rebecca Minkoff Makeup Stash Kerry Pouch ($75).. Well.. It's RED. I swear I get stupid whenever I see anything in red.

Random bits and bobs;

NARS candle in Acapulco. For $50 a pop, it must be one of the most ridiculous item on this list! Hahahahha! I love the idea of having the handsome jar in my room but I'm not sure if I could bring myself to burn away RM230 (how much it's priced in KL!) But what is the point of having a candle if you don't burn them?

The Philips DS1155 charging speaker dock ($80/RM400) is one of those things I'd like to get since I got my iPhone 5. I love that it has the alarm clock and charges the phone. Would save me the trouble of constantly plugging and unplugging my charger everytime I go on a trip. I'm not too concerned about the speaker now that Encem got me a super early birthday present in the form of the Bose Soundlink Mini which has an incredible sound! (Writing this entry is making me realize how Encem really spoils me.. and I'm not surprised if you're getting the urge to roll your eyes everytime I had to mention him because I feel like cringing myself!) 

The last item in this long list is the Kate Spade Say Yes "Taken" necklace ($75) which I must admit, a bit odd to buy myself. But I love the dainty-ness of it! Would it be too silly to get it anyway? Hmm.. I am also contemplating her Zodiac Pendant Necklace ($43.50/S$100/RM230) because getting Thomas Sabo Glam & Soul ring ($219) is a little too fancy to get myself! hahahha

I do feel especially vain writing this entry, but I'm just sharing really.. I'll be turning the big three-oh in one month so I do feel the need to go a little obnoxious somehow! Hahahahha!
I haven't decided on anything though.. For all I know I could actually just save my money and spend it on a holiday! (Which sounds pretty awesome, right about now.)

The travel make-up bag.

So I've been doing more trips than turnaround flights lately, and normally I would leave my nicer make-ups at home and bring along the ones that I won't be too chuffed about if they got lost.

But I love what I love so lately I've been carrying around the loves of my life! (So dramatic!)

These are the things that I trust would keep me looking decent for long flights (8 hours) and more..

Starting with the base, NARS Sheer Glow Foundation in the shade Stromboli that gives me a semi-matte, slightly dewy finish. Medium coverage perfection. Rarely lets me down. It only goes wonky on me if it's been an exceptionally hot and humid day or if I hadn't been drinking any water at all.

For the under-eye circle, if NARS Radiant Creamy Concealer in the shade Ginger failed to hide them, there is no chance that any of my other concealers can. It's also great for minimizing the look of the red angry spots that I am having at the time.

For the T-zone and more as a force of habit, I dust my face with a little of Bourjois' Healthy Balance powder in the shade 53 Beige Clair.

In the terms of colour, I have been loving the Tarte Rainforest After Dark palette for the sheer convenience. It comes with six eyeshadows, a bronzer, a highlight and a beautiful nude rose blush in the shade Unleashed. I love the shades of the eyeshadows, they are exactly what I would use in an everyday basis but I don't necessarily share that feeling for the pigmentation and the staying power -- and that's where the Original Urban Decay Primer Potion comes in. I wouldn't have to worry if the colours shows up enough, or if it'll fade during flight. As for the bronzer Park Ave Princess, I would say that I love it as much as my NARS' Laguna. It's warm without coming off orange or anything like that.

When it comes to liners, I trust the Urban Decay 24/7 Glide-on Eye Pencil in the shade West for the waterline and Stila Stay All Day Liquid Eye Liner in Intense Black to literally stay - all - day.

When it comes to my brows, I love how the Tarte Amazonian Clay Waterproof Brow Mousse in Rich Brown makes them appear natural. I don't have much going on up there to begin with so anything too intense would make them too obviously drawn on. I usually would comb the hairs with the spoolie end to sort of shape them, then draw a line at the lower part of my brows with the product then comb the product into the brows. Adding the product - comb some more where I needed them. (If that makes any sense!)

Normally I would just leave it at that but if the mood strikes me, I would set my brows with my disgustingly grubby In-2-It Clear Mascara. (Not so "clear" now!) I should really chuck that out. Haha!

I love quite a few mascaras and currently I am adoring Too Faced Better Than Sex mascara! Can't comment much on the name, but the effects to my lashes are incredible. I don't even bother curling my lashes anymore. Other mascaras that are worth mentioning are Benefit's They're Real and Maybelline's The Rocket and The Falsies. Would love to try out Tarte's, been hearing lots of good things about them! But I should go through the ones that I have first.. sigh

The lips is where I let myself to have options of.

Nuxe Rêve de Miel is simply the best lip balm I've ever used. It's really thick so a teenie tiny wee bit of it is enough for under any lip product!

I suppose I don't have much love for "drugstore" products, seeing this post but Revlon Matte Balm in the shade Standout is a real winner. A beautiful red, easy to put on and my go-to red for quite some time now.

If I feel like wearing pink, I've been loving Tarte Glamazon lipstick in Foxy. It feels and looks very much like my Shu Uemura's Rouge Unlimited Supreme Matte Lipstick in 376 but the colour is sliiiightly muted.

For a quick pick-me-up, I'll always come back to NARS Satin Lip Pencil in the shade Luxembourg. I don't know why but it holds a special place in my heart for giving me some kind of happy feeling. Hahahaha! It's red, it's pink, it's pinkish red and absolutely perfect! heehee

While I sometimes feel like I need to carry some kind of an attitude with red, and be chirpy with pink, this shade just says ME. I feel weird talking about a colour like that. heh

Now as for my tools;

I probably use only half of what carry but they're just a mix of brushes that I got from Ebay. Yepp. Ebay!

Recent playthings!

Suppose I should title this entry "Beauty Blog #10", oh well..

I believe anything NARS related should have a title of its own and not "just another beauty-related entry" -- even if that's exactly what it is! Haha

Days before I acquired the two nail polishes from @NARSissist, I made a few naughty purchases of my own.

I have been drawn to the summer gifting collection when I first saw it. Mostly for the lacquer box -- I know, horrible. But I don't really need another nail polish and I've never been a fan of lip glosses. To be honest, I got the set because I was feeling a tad upset one day and seeing the shade Schiap on one of the YouTuber that I am subsribed to just sold it for me -- I had to get the Climax set!

The set comes with the Schiap lipstick and nail polish and a limited edition lipgloss in a shockingly pink lacquer box.

The lipstick and nail polish is an instant love for me, while the lip gloss unfortunately didn't turn me into a lip gloss lover -- which is an almost impossible feat, because I really don't like the glossy lips look on myself. "Almost" because I believe in "never say never".. heh!

I had also purchased the lip lacquer in Hot Wired online quite recently. Given that the lip lacquer range has been discontinued, lets just skip past the fact on how much I spend on getting HopShopGo to buy it for me and the shipping. I want what I want, so there is no regret there.
Suppose there isn't much use for me to review the product since it's hard to come by, but let's just say that I LOVE IT. It's a shame that I have to use it sparingly because I will be devastated once I've run out of it.

My most recent purchase is the Audacious lipstick in the shade Jane. I've been wanting to get a nude lipstick since I have way too many reds and fuchsia in my collection! Jane isn't exactly nude though, it's more of a muted orange; described as "terracota rose" on the website. It looks pretty nude-ish on me, but I shall still look for the perfect nude shade!

I must say that the Audacious line is one of the most comfortable lipstick I've ever put on. It's opaque, semi matte (has a slight satin finish) and not drying at all. At RM95 a pop, I do expect them to perform well.

I can say that I adore the lipstick and as much I want to get more of them, most of the nude shades are out of stock at the Pavilion store and when it comes to lipstick I do prefer to play around with them before making a purchase!

The new Nars holiday color collection; Laced With Edge has just been released yesterday and you know.. I'm getting my hands some of that!

It was around this time last year that I got myself hooked on Nars after all!

That dull ache..

Maybe not so dull, but it's there.

A constant reminder of the hurt, of how the emptiness hurts.

I am not even pining. Even if I am, I long for the pain to stop. I want the ache to stop.

I don't cry myself to sleep at night. But the tears came each night anyway. I don't feel weak, the tears somehow eases the pain ever so slightly. As if with each drop of tear, that heaviness in my heart is lifted.. a little, for a little while.

I've never been good with being patient. I am not good at waiting. And to have spent my time waiting on "nothing" is not at all helping.

My heart keeps aching and I'm tired of explaining why it hurts so much.

I just want the pain to stop.

Please stop.

NARSissist? Totally.

In case you had seen my recent Instagram photo;

Yes, @NARSissist had actually sent me two of their new nail polishes right to my doorstep! Eeeep!

It started earlier this month when I tweeted how my browser immediately suggested Narscosmetics.com as I typed the letter "N".

The next thing I know, @NARSissist followed me on twitter and sent me a DM,

WAAAY too cool! Assuming that they wouldn't ship to Malaysia, (their US website only ship to US and Canada)

 I gave them my HopShopGo address while asking them about the international shipping.

Almost immediately they replied that they do and asked if I had a different "ideal" address -- my heart just leaped at that!

After just one week (could've been sooner than a week if FedEx had been more efficient!) my goodies were finally in my hands!

Now, I've said how much I liked the formulation of the NARS nail polish despite the brush here. The GREAT thing about their new nail polishes, it comes with a wider brush!! Perfect!

So yeah, imagine my excitement when one of the nail polishes they sent me were one of the new collection!

They sent me Obscura (a shade that I contemplated on getting two weeks ago!) which is described as "lavender charcoal" and Libertango which is a "geranium" shade. Two seriously lovely colours, if you ask me!

I haven't actually tried them on since I'm on a work-week stretch and I'm not actually sure if shades of grey are allowed on while anything close to being red is a no-no.

But you'll see.. Once I get home from my Adelaide trip, those two will be the first things I play with! rawrr!

Is it fitting to note here that I currently have Schiap on my nails? Heehee..

Pretty sure I'll be writing about my recent NARS play-things in the coming blogs!

Anyway, I think it's really awesome how NARS reach out to their fans worldwide by doing this! If you'd been reading this blog for a while, you'd know how big of a fan I am and having them sent me "gifts".. Just WOW. It's like.. I am nobody to them really.. I'm not exactly a beauty blogger who has that many followers/readers that could be persuaded into loving NARS as much as I do. I am used to unrequited love, (because really, loving "things" is just that, isn't it?) but having @NARSissist to acknowledge me this way...

Ah, I am just even more head over heels with NARS now! (Didn't think that was possible..)

Waves.

Just three weeks after Encem came home from Algeria, he left for Jeddah on another charter program..

Naturally, being the pathetic girlfriend that I am, I've been teary everytime I am left all alone.

I can't help it. It comes and goes in waves. It's only been one day and my insides just aches. He left me with a lump in my throat and a hole in my chest.

Seriously, how did I get this whiny and clingy?

Maybe because he'd only been back three weeks and I've been away on trips.. I find myself feeling blessed for getting sick when I did because I was supposed to be in Male yesterday but was given a medical leave so I was able to step down from my flight.

At least I was able to send him off at the airport.

It has only been one day and I am miserable. And thinking how long this time he'll be away is making me all teary again!

I am in pain and there is no other way of saying it..