The Quest of Becoming Somebody (Part 6)

The pounding of my heart.

Have I told you that I hate confrontations? Well, "hate" is such a strong word.. it's more like.. an utter dislike.
I probably shouldn't have said that.. now no one wants to tell me anything. ha!

I like the idea of being open to discussions.. but I utterly dislike it when I get all nervous.. heart's pounding.. shaky hands -- yeah, I get all that from confrontations. They wreck my nerves so bad, somehow. Acting cool is not at all plausible.

Having to focus on that other person as they focuses on you alone...
Scary.

I am.. having a pang in my heart.. so much so that it's making my head spin. If only I am capable of word-vomit and just say what ever things that runs through my mind.
Would things be easier, I wonder..

I sometimes wish that things would.. but then I know I'll get bored with that. But when things are too hard, I will have no hope for it.
What the heck am I trying to say??!
shit.

I'm not even sure if this entry should be one of the "Quest", but I guess it is. I'm trying my hardest to learn myself.. and I am not making it easy. blah.

Damn feelings. I think I'll just go cry in my bed.. or smoke.
Probably the latter.

Avril Lavigne - Tomorrow

This is the part when I run.
And this is the part where you shouldn't wait for my return. As a matter of fact, NO ONE should! I am not the one you should wait.. I don't deserve it. I can't comprehend it. Why the hell would anyone wait for someone as messed up as me. God!

The Quest of Becoming Somebody (Part 5)

I really.. truly.. honest to God.. want to believe.
Maybe if I say it enough, it will actually happen.. this time.

I want it so much I could cry.
I want it so bad I could die.

With the way I am feeling now...
Dear God, please let it stay.
The lightheadedness, shortness of breath, the occasional hyperventilation, pangs in the heart, funny feeling at the pit of the stomach.. I'd gladly keep them all, even when I always end up feeling like I could throw up.

Funny thing though.. how I can only tell what I'm really feeling when my body is behaving horribly. heh! I can't tell it any other way 'cause of the constant battle between my head and my heart -- so when my body says something, that's it really. heehee.

Anyway, I'm trying to make myself sick by listening to this song over and over again so it would stop making me feel dreamy the next time I listen to it. haha!

Bryan Adams - Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman

And I know that this is.. no where near like the other "Quest" entries.. but it actually is, really. Just.. a little too ambiguous compared to the rest. hehe.

How about something to think about?

Maybe not. heh.

I went to the Selangor vs. Kedah match last night.
eeep! It was.. something else. May I just say that I adore their fans? I mean.. they were GREAT!! The turn out was incredible. They beat Perak's fans, hands down. hahhaha!

I think it's the fact that the two top teams are up against each other was the main reason why there were so many football fans out there.
Oh, and we lost. The second losing match I'd EVER been to and I must say.. it'd felt fine. I'm pretty sure my blood pressure had rocketed the first time, but the second.. I was pretty cool about it.

Anyway, it's getting late. And I need sleep. Too tired to even tell you about those two guys in the masks. heh. I love them. They're so cute!

Life on a loop.

It's.. weird..
You know how some say that history will repeat itself.. but I'd always imagined it to be something BIG.. and really significant.

Of course, I'm just a mere bleep in the universe so the small thing could be considered as BIG.. but.. hmm.. I was hoping for something Earth-shaking. Not just some.. silly thing that I just happened to notice.
Baah. I'm about to talk in circles.. or say something really stupid so I'm going to stop right there and write about something else.


I'd spent yesterday with my favourite friends. Ana woke me up with a phone call at noon (ha!) and asked if I'd wanted to join her just hanging out. DUH! So.. I got out of bed and ended up stepping out of the house around 2. (You know, the rain.. running out of cute things to wear.. pretty bothersome. heh!)

(This is completely unnecessary but I wanted to write it anyway.)
May I just say, that I hate the effing public transport in the effing suburbs?! I mean.. seriously.. I had to wait an hour for a freakin' taxi to pass by. uh.. well.. I blame Syl for that actually.. but anyway, that's a story I won't tell here, but sheesh! ONE HOUR! I'd almost lost my mind.

Anyway, met up with Ana at Central and went to Pavillion.. hung out.. tarts.. coffees.. gossips.. the works. haha!
It was a few hours until Ilsa joined us.. then Bahijah..! Super! I know I've said this last week but really.. I was laughing and grinning so much my cheeks had hurt. It had felt like cramps at one point. hahahhaha! sheesh! I really need to get out more and get used to laughing more again.
Really.. Wanie and indoors does not mesh that well.. don't know what I was thinking. bleh.

So.. that was, what? 6 hours of my Friday spent with friends? heh. Wouldn't have it any other way. (Well, maybe there is.. but again -- different story!)
Amazing to think that I've known this girls for 6 years..
Now.. if only I could keep a guy around for just as long.
HAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!

Here's the truth..

I'm packing my bags.. converting to Buddhism and elope with my British boyfriend to Belgium (where we can eat Belgian waffles for breakfast, lunch and dinner.)
I'll write to you again when I can.



Happy April, guys.

You!!

Incik Dar, happy birthday!!!

You know, I figured out something.. since today is the last day of March.. I think that's why you are so.. you. hahhaha! Merepek and all..
Always amusing, though :P

Anyway, since you've been so busy.. (ALL my friends are always busy.. I wonder why. hahhaha!!) and we haven't talked all that much since... err.. entah? So I decided to dedicate today's entire entry to you!
woooo!

I am so awesome -- but the truth is, now I feel no inclination to get you anything for your birthday. muahahaha! (Not that I've ever.. not really. heh)

Hope you'll have a great day.. and a wonderful year being 24. Tuaaa!! yuck! hahha! And yeah.. I can definitely picture you getting married esok lusa :P

And I could probably find a better picture than the one I have there, but I feel that you are.. so YOU in that one. hahhahaha!

I want to believe.

So here's an insight to my heart.

I... want to believe in love.
Have complete faith in another person. Trust in every word.. every action..
But I don't.

And I wish there was a reason to it. I wish I could say that I've been burned and that's why I keep myself so guarded.
But I haven't.

I am just.. finding it hard to just let myself go.

So when I watch.. or hear stories about love.. I'll feel.. incredibly empty. I'd wonder how these people could do the things that I can't. Thinking if something just isn't right with me. (Something probably is anyway.)

I want.. to not be empty.
I want one of those stories to be mine.
I want a love song that is about me.
I hate wondering if it'll ever be my turn.
Most of all, I hate how my heart wanders away when it isn't checked.

They say;
If you love someone let them go. If they return to you it was meant to be.
bah! Let me go and I may never come back. hahahhaha!

blah. I actually want to belong.. somewhere. Stop wandering.. and wondering. Maybe someday.
But I know myself too well.. and I'm such a skeptic to let myself believe. I want to believe in so many things.. but I don't really.
So make me a believer.

This stupid entry took me two and a half hours to write. sheesh!

Damaged at best.

Been feeling a bit low for the past couple of days.
Moody.. pissy.. the works.

I wish my thoughts are more stable.
I wish my emotions were.
hmmph. I hate it when I talk to myself too much. blah.

Anyway, it's been a weird week. Although my Thursday and Friday didn't turn out bad at all. heh.

Went to watch the FA Cup second-leg between Selangor and Perak. It was pretty stressful (I'm not going to say why) but also funny in the same time. Selangor won in the end.. but..
ughh.. I don't know. The week is just too weird for me to actually enjoy it.

Then I had spent the next day with Ana. We didn't do much. Basically we just walked a bit in the city.. sat in cafes and yap about stuff.. We're completely in love with that strawberry tart at Coffee Bean, by the way. ughh.. God, why do I have a sweet tooth. Now I feel like I should have it again later today.
(Which I actually might. hahhahaha!)

Ah anyway.. not really in the mood to write.
Although I'd like to think that going out did good to my soul. I grinned so much today, my cheeks hurt! hahha! So thaaank yoouuu Anaaa!! I love you, girlfriend! hahhahaha!

Loving this song..

Letto - Permintaan Hati

Dengarkanlah permintaan hati yang teraniaya sunyi
Dan berikanlah arti pada hidupku
Yang terhempas yang terlepas
Pelukanmu bersamamu dan tanpamu aku hilang selalu
Bersamamu dan tanpamu aku hilang selalu

I have to wonder how Indonesian writers can be.. so poetic, where most Malaysian song writers tried so hard and failed. blah.

10th Edition.

wooooo! Kimi won! Ferrari won the 10th year F1 in Sepang!
So cooool! We were hoping that Ferrari would finish first and second.. and then.. Massa's car spun and got stuck in the gravel. bleh.

But that was fun, really. We missed the past two years (Dida was in Rotterdam.. then last year we didn't get tickets.. bleh.) but fortunately, our tickets were AWESOME this year AND Ferrari had won! Oh - so - happy! Totally makes up for those two missed races.

I mean, of course, I'm SO pooped from the lack of sleep and having to wake up so early in the morning. AND the heat.. oy.. I am a little sun burned actually, but I kinda like going out in the sun every once in a while. heh. (I actually adore the outdoors, believe it or not.)

Dida had bought that huge head phone-radio thingy which she had basically gave me to wear throughout the race. Pretty cool stuff. I love being able to listen to the commentaries. Helps a whole lot with my sleepiness.
Plus.. I actually do love listening to the commentaries. I'm a geek. I like knowing unnecessary stuff. haha.

Anyway, we got home at 6-ish.. I was so tired.. the kind that got me a bit kooky and make stupid jokes all the way home.


Uuh.. yeah.. that's Dida's SD card for the MP3 player in her car. hehe. Really.. I like to experiment on things.. see what I can stick on my forehead. haha!
Anyway, I'm going to rest a bit while catching the Super Sunday. MAN UNITED!!! wooo!

O yeah, I am so ignoring my bitter mood by focusing on some sports. haha!

..and I'm adoring you.

Yep.. that's all really. Nothing more to say, no. heehee.

Burnt-out

So.. I wasn't really planning on writing anything today.
Mainly because I am just.. so.. mentally and emotionally tired.

sigh. I hate it when I get gloomy and morbid. So to those who just stumbles upon this side of me.. well.. welcome?

Anyway, I love this song. At times I actually find myself missing it. Or just humming to it out of the blue. It's an odd sort of a love song.. love it.

LIT - Miserable

Lagu jiwang, ftw!!

Feeling.. a little blue. For no real reason really..
Just.. nothing to cheer about.

I mean.. I don't want to complain.. I detest people who complains too much.. or whines non stop.. over the same old things. So yeah, I know you love me or care for me, what ever the shit is.. I am pretty pissed and upset about some things but--
I - SHALL - NOT - COMPLAIN! ughh.
That just doesn't give me the right to annoy you.

So just.. let me feel blue for a little bit.

I think the inability-for-commitment bug is hitting me again. It's getting old, I know.. but I am BORED!! ughh. I get bored staying at one place for too long. I hate it. I hate myself for hating it. So frustrating!!
Shit. SHIT.

I'm going to distract myself with this sappy Indonesian song now.. bleh!

Ari Lasso & Bunga Citra Lestari - Aku Dan Dirimu

This is crazy.

I'm just not going to say anything ever again.
Well, I can't can I?
The surest way to ruin.. what ever it is that we have is to not communicate, so I will try..

You know how when you're angry.. you'll say stupid things and once you've cooled off those stupid things would seem reaaally stupid. So you apologize, and the other person has already cooled off so you both can be.. just fine?

It's.. funny that I just had this conversation with Dida a few days ago.

That it's easy to forgive the person you're mad at..
but the person that upsets you.. it takes a little more time. Matters of the heart.. so happens that mine is just as stubborn as my head and it won't let go.

And I want to let go.
I'm fine really. Really. Just.. the pang in the heart.. it stayed.

shoo, pang. Go mess with someone else's heart.

The day I lost my heart.

Not really.. I'm lying.
I do that sometimes.

My heart is so there and despite my heart and head having their own minds.. it's giving me a headache. Not headache.. more like.. spinning. My head is spinning, because of my heart.

I'm breaking a heart.. and it's breaking my heart.
bleh.
I'm talking in circles again aren't I?

I'm trying not to..
I'm actually trying hard..
To the point where I don't know what to do and I end up doing nothing at all..

I'm definitely talking in circles.
At times like this, there isn't a more fitting song than;

John Mayer - Not Myself

O yeah.. go look for the lyrics yourself :P

The day I practically lost my head.

pssh! I almost caved yesterday.. but I didn't!
HAHHAHAHAHAHA!!

I was sooooooooooo close.. Oh God, I can't believe I almost said it. gaaah! *hits head with fist*
Let me tell you, having a constant battle between your heart and your mind is hard. I'm glad my head won last night. heehee.
hahahha! dang, I'm definitely talking to myself right now.

Anyway, I really.. pretty much lost my head yesterday. Between the lack of focus and looking over a bunch of things at the same time.. I managed to make a fool of myself for a couple of times. haha!


Ah well.. what's new really..
Having an awful lag with everything right now.. I'm going to bed!!

Here's a stupid.. unnecessary entry..

So I was typically sitting in front of the computer last night.. just minding my business.. chatting.. Facebook.. yadaa yadaa..
and all of a sudden, SNAP!
My bra strap broke.. hahahhaha!!

I mean.. that was.. WOW. Sure, I'd like to think emm.. that it was because of some other exciting reasons but I think it's just because I've had that pair of bra for a couple of years and the metal thingy just got worn out. blah.
(hahahhahaha!)


Oy.. I'm just being silly now.
It's good to be able to laugh when all you wish to do is cry really..

My vote counts!

Yeah, that was exciting!
Sure it took like just 10 seconds of my day but it was kinda exciting! My first time voting.. pretty cool! I'm like half- a step towards being a grown up. hahahha!
And I'm happy with the results.. though I'm pretty much apathetic about politics.. I think a change would be interesting.

Moving on.. I've been having a bunch of laugh with my newly made frienemy on MHA. He'd KOed me a couple of times now but he's so adorable! hahahha! Good stuff.


Oh, and I noticed yesterday that my old Converse is getting really beat up.. it's sad.. I love my shoes.. Guess it's a good thing that Converse shoes are meant to look scruffy. (At least that's how I feel..)


Also.. just so you know.. this entry had took me TWO freakin' days to write.. and sadly, I ended up not writing much at all! hahahhaha! It's pathetic..

I can't think. I need a nap!

Jiwa kacau.

Is it just me.. or I just scream "the last child" sometimes..?

Anyway.. I just feel like rubbish at the moment. I hate it. I hate it when I'm needy. I HATE it. I really hate it.

I'm running off to beg for some hugs. Virtual ones just don't cut it right now.
I'm going to regret saying this later.. but shit, I think I need a boyfriend! blaah.

BLAAAAAH!
BLAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

Those bs..

So I'm not really career minded..
although I'm pretty handy with design stuff.. Guess all those years in college actually paid off.. sort of.

But God, I am SO glad that I didn't go into the crap that is being a "designer". My only client so far is my dad, really.. but he's like the WORST CLIENT EVER!

I mean.. how can you tell your father that he has awful taste?? Too awful that you would LOVE to scream that you refuse to do the things that he wants you to do. Sure, I'm no professional, but I'm also a consumer.. I would KNOW what I want to see in a product and he.. he.. refuses to take notice the look of irk that spreads across my face.

Seriously..
SERIOUSLY...
SERIOUSLY!!

I'm ashamed to admit that I did this.. GOD! I hope NO ONE would think that this was MY idea! Aaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!!!
My IQ just dropped fifteen points for just going through with it.

heehee.

I can honestly say that I love.. love.. LOVE it when my friends know me well.. sure, it's annoying sometimes.. but when someone gives me something that just screams.. "me", I just can't help it. I love love LOVE those sort of things.

Simple things.. like a post-it note.. a key-chain of a devil with a red heart for a head.. or a song. heehee.

Thaank yooouuuu Daaarrrr!!!

Alis - Deeper Conversation

Is your favourite colour blue?
Do you always tell the truth?
Do you believe in outer space?
And now I'm learning you

Is your skin as tanned as mine?
Does your hair flow sideways?
Did someone took a portion of your heart?
And now I'm learning you

And if you don't mind can you tell me
all your hopes and fears
and everything that you believe in
Would you make a difference in the world
I'd love for you to take me to a deeper conversation
Only you can make me

I've let my guard down for you
And in time you will too

And if you don't mind can you tell me
all your hopes and fears
and everything that you believe in
Would you make a difference in the world
I'd love for you to take me to a deeper conversation
Only you can make me
Deeper conversations with me..

Does your name rhyme with mine?
Now doesn't this bring back memories.. hahhahaha!

My telling eyes.

I curse at them.. most times. They completely ruin my vague attempts to be mysterious when I wanted to. But I'm figuring out now that it's God's way of helping me with my inaptness for saying the things that I'd wanted to say.
So today I am grateful that I have these so un-secretive eyes.. and also those people who are close enough to me for always being able to read them. In a way, my heart did jumped out to them when I can't seem to find my words.

Yesterday had been a little.. upsetting, if I may say so. Filled with wishes that couldn't possibly come true in a short amount of time. (I'm impatient, what do you expect?)
One being my wish to have a vast amount of knowledge in the English vocabulary. heh. The second is to have my telling eyes or jumping heart to travel across the globe.
Of course, even if I could find the words to describe the things that I'd wanted to say.. or get my heart to jump oceans.. it probably wouldn't make any difference. I am emotionally retarded, I can't help it.

Later in the evening Dida had asked me out for a drive around -- she had things on her mind..
And I know it's selfish to say this but sometimes I wish I wasn't so all-ears. But I am.. I was made that way. If I could choose though, I'd somehow rather live in a cocoon, blissfully unaware of the awful things that goes on in the lives of my loved ones. I can't help it.

So there's another thing to be grateful about -- even though God had made me with this gift/curse of empathy.. He'd made me to be just as forgetful so I could forget about the unhappy things and go about with my life.. hehehe.

I'd like to think that God has His plans for me.. since I feel like rubbish for most of the time, if my mere existence in the universe turns out to be JUST so I could be the person my sisters and friends can talk to.. I think I can accept that. Beats being created just to be a rubbish.. heehee.

Oooh.. also, another thing to be thankful for is the fact that I don't have that many people to love. Just my family and a couple of really close friends. Can you imagine the amount of time I'd spend being upset and crying for/with them if I had more??

sigh. For every heart breaks that you've had my dear sister, my heart breaks with it too..

I'm Posting It

Killin me softly..

Just so you know.. I'm writing this while my head is in the sky and my heart has flown off to be someplace else.. What I'm trying to say is, if I don't make any sense in this entry.. well.. blame the distractions. hahhaha! (yeah, forget the fact that I actually love to be distracted. They're SO MUCH fun than focusing on one thing, really..)

We (some Illum friends and I) had this discussion in the chatroom once.. about the song that we like to listen to while we're playing that darned MHA (that sucks the life of us). So most of them had listed a bunch of songs with some fast beats, myself included. (I was loving Paramore's Born For This.. because I thought, being "born" to be a badass in FFA was just hilarious -- of course, the real fact is that I get KOed just as much as I KO other people, so I'm not really sure if I should call myself a badass.. but anyway, I'm rambling away from my point!)

Recently I noticed that I've been listening to much slower songs while clicking on some bunch of actions on the target.. and thought.. wow, I'm SICK! hahahha! I mean.. there I sit, wishing a random guy to die while I'm listening to words like "who doesn't long for someone to hold, who knows how to love you without being told"
HAHHAHAHAHHAHA!!
(Those are the words to Natasha Bedingfield's Soulmate by the way.)
God, I can be so weird sometimes..

Anyway, I've gotten around to get myself stuck listening to this song over and over again..

Ray LaMontagne - Hold You In My Arms

When you came to me with your bad dreams and your fears
It was easy to see that you'd been crying
Seems like everywhere you turn catastrophe it reigns
But who really profits from the dying
I could hold you in my arms
I could hold you forever
I could hold you in my arms
I could hold you in my arms forever

When you kissed my lips with my mouth so full of questions
It's my worried mind that you quiet
Place your hands on my face
Close my eyes and say
Love is a poor man's food
Don't prophesy
I could hold you in my arms
I could hold you forever
And I could hold you in my arms
I could hold you forever

So now we see how it is
This fist begets the spear
Weapons of war
Symptoms of madness
Don't let your eyes refuse to see
Don't let your ears refuse to hear
Or you ain't never going to shake this sense of sadness
I could hold you in my arms
I could hold on forever
And I could hold you in my arms
I could hold forever

14 hours and 42 minutes.

That was how long I was disabled from my Facebook account.

Please be aware that if your account is disabled again, we will not be able to reactivate it. While using the message feature, keep in mind that it's possible to run into a block based on how many messages you send and how fast you send them.

Yeah, I am now ignoring all the messages I get. Like.. what ever. Alliances.. do I care? Banner.. pshhh. HTML requests? what ever.. hahhaha!!

But it's annoying to have to try and ignore the hate mails.. or at least the ones with questions in it. bleh.. I'll just have to suck it and like.. write just five messages per day once the warning message is off the main page.
hmmph. I hate not being able to write.

mmmpfft.

Sarcasm aside..

I am now really upset about not having my Fb account. It's not like I'm saying that my life has no meaning now, heh. But.. it feels like it's been.. extremely and excruciatingly.. quiet.

bleh. Stupid really.. I know it's only been a few hours, but I feel like my heart just dropped an inch from where it's supposed to be.. and I have a headache that doesn't seem to want to go away.
Oh yes, I'm having Fb/MHA withdrawal ladies and gents. Give it time and I will start puking my last meal.

mpph. Really sick in the stomach. And I honestly can't bring myself to send another email to Fb. I feel too close to crying. damn it!!
ughh.. I feel so sick in the stomach.

And I'm in a chatroom where everyone is talking about MHA stuff.. hahahhaha! (again, if you haven't heard me say this before.. I'm only laughing to keep myself from crying.) So that's probably just stupid. Really really stupid. Guess I've been a bit too stupid these past few days.

But anyway, I thought I shouldn't be selfish and just take my time off alone like I usually would.. that is not the way to be a good friend right? heh. *curses under breath*

Paramore - Miracle

Spammalot.

Your account has been disabled by an administrator. If you have any questions or concerns, you can visit our FAQ page here.

Oh thank you why, supremely wise Facebook.

Some random thoughts perhaps..

You know.. I don't usually like myself (don't ask!) but if there's one thing in particular that I actually really like.. it'd be the fact that I can go out by myself doing nothing special, without feeling the least bit awkward.

I know, it's probably not a big thing.. but it is to me.. somehow. Kinda proud of it even! hahha! Guess there is a good thing that comes out from being a semi-reclusive. (hahh!)

So I've been thinking.. since this whole MHA thing started, all I ever do is sit in front of the laptop and talk to my fellow Illums.. chat about silly things with Eeva.. talk with Sher.. exchange taunts with TJ.. get teased by Mark, Jacob and Tony.. (o yeah, I am so name dropping here!) and get completely distracted by Will.. I mean, I talk to these people every single day and I haven't even met them!

Makes me think.. when was the last time I talk to the friends I've met. hahahha! God, I am SUCH a horrible friend. kan Azraai kan? heehee.

Then somehow those got me thinking about my year's resolution -- the one I haven't made yet. I always have it every year (and never achieving them) but hey, why mess with tradition, right?

So in 2008, I would like to:

1. be a better friend. hehe!
2. finish my freakin' manuscript!! grrr.
3. umm.. learn to be more focused and patient so I can actually achieve resolution #2! heehee.
4. scribble something on my Moleskine everyday.
5. get a JOB!! wahahahaha!!
6. learn to go to sleep early (or at least earlier!)
7. cut down coffee (and ciggies!) but really.. keep me happy and the ciggies can actually disappear. Amazing.

Oh, and I'm suddenly thinking about this poem by EE Cummings;

I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)
I am never without it
(anywhere I go you go, my dear;
and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)
I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)
I want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)

baahhh, I'm mushy, it's pathetic :P

*chuckles at fortune cookie*

Now wouldn't that be nice?

Natalie Imbruglia - Counting Down The Days

Oy.. you're making me lightheaded.

..and I'm loving every single moment of it!

Ever noticed that I write.. differently when I'm.. different? haha! I make less sense during these times. blehh.. for someone who isn't too open about her feelings, mine is pretty apparent.

Okay, if you have Facebook (yes yes.. I'm addicted), try doing this quiz thingy! Of course, I love this kind of stuff so I HAD to do it. And the best part is that I don't even have to send any invites to see the results! Way cool..

I got INFP (Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving) which must be really true because I got that when I did the one on Tickle as well.. heh. So anyway, there is this one part that just.. hit the nail on the head.

For the INFP, love is a very deep commitment, and one that is not easily attained. They have ideals, and therefore reality may be carefully scrutinized.

INFPs may have difficulty sharing their feelings about others. They keep so many of those feelings inside that they may forget to tell their partner how much they love and appreciate them. They also need reminders of their partner's love.

When things go wrong in a relationship, the INFP takes it to heart but does not readily discuss it with others. They may not be willing to communicate to let others know how they are feeling. When scorned, they are very hurt and may overreact in an almost maudlin way.

haha! It's embarrassing to read about yourself as that, but I just couldn't deny something that is just so.. annoyingly true. Maudlin.. yeah, I can be SUCH a child.. I can't help it.

The INFP does not devote their intense feelings towards just anyone, and are relatively reserved about expressing their inner-most feelings. They reserve their deepest love and caring for a select few who are closest to them.

Slow to trust others and cautious in the beginning of a relationship, an INFP will be fiercely loyal once they are committed.

I am slow.. up to the point that I can get my emotions and communication pretty much stumped. I think I have this fear if the things that I say won't be reciprocated. Or I get a dead lull instead. sigh. That'd be too sad, so I'd rather not say the things that runs through my head.. or heart. Ignorance is bliss, right?

Okay, moving on!
I helped Dida and her team with her company's treasure hunt event on Saturday. I swear I'd felt like I was working on a call centre, having to answer the phone every 20 minutes. Smart though, having someone to be in front of the internet and search for answers. Plus, it had also made me feel smart when I can answer the questions and puzzles without the internet! Always a plus PLUS in my book! hehe.

She didn't win though.. got disqualified when her car broke down. Something about something in the something. hehe. (Like I would know anything about cars -- or even remember the parts of it.)
Yet.. she gave me a 50 for helping out! wooohoo! I like easy money! Girls, wanna hang out? hahahha! (I really am incapable of saving money.)

Okay. Stopping now. I'm so distracted with anything/everything else that I'd spent the last 5 minutes just trying to remember what I'd really wanted to do. blah.
Oh God, look at the time.. eeep!

Someone Will definitely love this.

McFly - The Way You Make Me Feel

Suppose you could say that I'm being ridiculous again.. but I don't care. I'm in a pretty good place.. grinning a lot.. (as much as I've been day-dreaming though, so I'm not sure if that's good) and impressively, generally happy. I mean, I couldn't find a reason to smoke, that must be a good thing right? haha.

Anyway, I have to get myself off Facebook and mIRC to write this out or I'll never write it.

Nina had been in Shah Alam for the last couple of nights so that was fun. Dida is always sleepy by the time she got home so it was nice talking to Nina for a couple of minutes before she falls asleep. heh. Plus, I get the chance to gang up with Nina and tease Dida for a change! Oh the things I have to put up with for being the youngest sibling..

Last night the three of us were in KL and was having dinner together.. that was really nice. But being 5-6 years apart from them will always make me feel a bit different I guess; I'm old enough to vote but I still feel like a little sister when I'm with them. Like a little little kid.. tailing their older siblings, hoping that that'll get 'em feel just as cool as the older kids.
That's just how my brain works I suppose.

Oh, remember that entry when I wrote about the article on Time magazine? On the power of birth order.. Well, Nina and Dida were joking about that last night. They were saying how it was Nina's fault.. that she'd finished university being in lower second-class, so Dida ended up finishing at upper third-class.. Thus why I didn't finish college altogether! HAHHAHAHA!! God, I love my hilariously demented sisters.

Okay. I'm going to let this laptop rest for a while. And I am getting a little sleepy myself. 'Til the next entry! Hope you guys are having awesome days..

Try a little tenderness.

I've never been too keen with Jazzy music. They make me sleepy. Too sleepy. But I'm having an awful night.. something someone did just pisses me off and yet somehow I'm finding this song.. very calming.

Michael Buble

She may be weary
Women do get weary
Wearing the same shabby dress
And when she's weary
Try a little tenderness

She may be waiting
Just anticipating
Things she may never possess
While she's without them
Try a little tenderness

It's not just sentimental
She has her grief and her care
But a word so soft and gentle
Makes it easier to bear

You won't regret it
Women don't forget it
Love is their whole happiness
And it's all so easy
Try a little tenderness

But a word
Soft and gentle
Makes it easier to bear

You won't regret it
Cause women don't forget it
Love is their whole happiness
And it's all so easy
Just try a little tenderness
You've gotta try

You've gotta hold her
You've got to squeeze her
You have to try
You've got to try
And always please her
You won't regret it
You won't regret it
Oh, try a little tenderness
Hmm.. haven't done that for ages.. posting lyrics I mean. But anyway..
I like it when my heart flutters. It's annoying (mostly because I'm scared, of course).. but I do like it when it flutters. Annoying though. heehee.

I swear I could almost just-- fall.

You know, for someone who writes as small as she can so she could "save the trees", I use a LOT of post-its to doodle on. Horrible...

Well the internet was gone for four hours on Saturday.. and came back on.
Then the hd crashed on Sunday night and gets fixed the very next day..
Photoshop and the scanner configurations was gone but now they've all been installed..
So I don't have anymore excuse to not blog now, do I? No more dawdling, here's a long enough entry that could possibly make your eyes spin; (I'm lying.)

It's almost self-explanatory now, when I get quiet.. I'll be in Pyongyang. And no, not the real Pyongyang, but the one on that damned Heroes game in Facebook! haha! Crazy. Crazy fun.

But lets talk about real.. actual.. I can touch you-- life. heh.
Went to a very nice dinner with Ana and Bahijah the other day. (yeah yeah.. Ilsa and Ilmi was there too) It was what I called a pre-Valentine dinner since it was Valentine's eve. We got all dressed up and everything which is always a plus plus in my book!
It's been a while since I saw them so it was really nice, catching up some laughs. Wish we could've stayed out longer though.. booo mak Anaaa! ahhahahhahha!


Anyway, I'm off to a raid then off to bed -- don't bother trying to understand. heehee.

Ohh, I've been loving this song lately. Love it love it LOVE IT! Love it.

Nina Simone - Just In Time

I'm Posting It

Happy Valentine's Day!

I'm lost.. completely LOST.

The hd crashed.
No computer.. no internet..

Then now it's back.. no Photoshop and it's just.. breaking my heart.
Really. I had aalll these things to write with some pictures and everything planned out and now I can't do anything. Even the scanner won't work.
And I can't find any of my old installers so I'm just lost.

Really.
I feel like running into a wall right now.

Yattaaa!

Okay, this is probably too silly to blog about but I don't care!
I got to KO someone with 800+ hp damage using Maelstrom! How cool is that?? muhahahha!

So I got KOed twice as much.. but this.. this calls for some noting down, my friends. This is quite historic! I did a full jig right after I got that KO! That is how much this game influences my life these days. haha!
Well, it's been good fun. Even when I get properly KOed -- the kind that wasn't caused by my awful internet connection, and made me stuck in the Free Far All zone longer than I had intended to.

Anyway, I figured that I'm only CRAZY about this game because I've actually made friends through it. If I had been all to myself and not chatted at all with a single stranger, I don't think I would've found a reason to get hooked on Facebook for any longer than 10 minutes.
I know that I've said strangers are my favourite people on Earth.. but really.. the strangers that becomes a friend later on are the best kinds. *wink!*

Have a wonderful Chinese New Year guys.. It's the year of the rat! OMG, I'm 24 this year! gaaaaahhh!
Also, have a good.. umm.. Lent.

I'm Posting It.

Ross Copperman

I just realized.. that what I am and how my feelings are, are not too different from one another. (okay, of course.. but!)
I'm a klutz, you see. I can easily stumble on the tiniest pebble or just caught my own feet on a perfectly even ground. And I won't even mention the times I've screwed my spatial judgement and knocked my foot/knee/hands/hips/head onto the table/chair/cupboard/door/wall -- I really am that bad.

So now I'm noticing that I've been just as clumsy with my heart. I keep falling just as hard.. just as fast.. for no particular reason. The awful spatial judgement..
And I always end up asking myself; what the heck just happened?
I thought I was fine.. until I wasn't.
Then there was just the confusion, sore bum, bruised hip.. and achy heart. And why?

..because Wanie is Wanie is Wanie is Wanie.
Haven't figured out why I am so me, yet.

For I dearly love to laugh.

-- and walk. Even when it rains.

A little sad to think that I haven't had as many walks as I would've liked these days. I should find myself more friends that are closer to home.
Except that I've never really been that consistent, and that's why it's always best to have a bit of distance; to not see the friends that I already have every single day. I'm sure they'll get bored of me if they see me all the time anyway.

I was thinking.. how annoyingly-happier I've actually been. Now I feel like I should look over my shoulders for some sad news to catch me by surprise. I know I know.. I shouldn't be thinking too much, but I am.. my own worst enemy. If she is a movie character, she'd be the super villain.
hmm.. guess I'll just have to tell myself this until I can finally submit;

The walls we build around us to keep out the sadness also keep out the joy.

Jim Rohn

Had spent the afternoon with dear Dida. She had to shop to console herself over our team's lost on Saturday. heehee. So we had parked in Pavillion.. walked around a bit and found nothing. Decided to walk over to KLCC and was caught in some rain on our way back. We had our umbrellas though -- and for what ever reason I was pretty giggly this entire day. (Well, technically it was yesterday.)
Giggly and a little dazed.


And now I'm right here.. staring at the computer again.. waiting for nothing.. Convincing myself that everything is fine.. as I hope it is.
I'm going to bed before I start obsessing.

Jimmehjinx.

Ohh! It pains.. it burns! It burns so bad! My ego.. my poor, poor ego is bruised.
Sure I can say that my mom's from Perak.. but I'm from Selangor. Doesn't matter the fact that I was actually born in KL -- I AM through and through a Selangorian.

That was the first time I've been to a game where we had lost -- and the only anomaly that was there was Dida's boyfriend. JINX! grr. Never again! If he's going, then I won't! booo! What's worse.. he's actually from PERAK!! booooooo!
Aah anyway, Akmal Rizal was rubbish and the referee was blind!
I suppose there are just nights when football simply had to suck.

I'm finding this experience.. not too different from getting a pimple.
You see, I've never been really pimply.. thus making getting one really.. really stressful. It's one thing when you wake up with a spot on your face, it's another when EVERY - SINGLE - PERSON who knows you notices it too and points it out to you. I bet if I have a resident-pimple on my face, people would just ignore it.

So at last, I saw a game where we had lost -- it is as stressful as having a huge, pink zit in the middle of my nose.

I'm Posting It.

Selangor vs. Perak
Shah Alam Stadium
February 2nd, 2008
8:45 pm

And that's where I'll be tonight.

I'm Posting It.

My English is so rusty, I could choke myself in shame!


Just so you know.. I'm not very artsy.
I just like to pretend that I am. heh.
I heard this song earlier.. liked the sound of it.

The Click Five - Empty

Readability test.

I just found out that even an elementary school kid can read my blog.
I'm not sure how I feel about that.
Should I be proud that EVERYONE can understand me.. or should I be offended for being so.. simple?


Ah well.. at least my other blog has a reading level of a "College (Postgrad)". Now I feel like at least, I can seem smart and educated when I try.

Well, I don't really know how that site assesses the readability of blogs.. but it's fun to see anyway.
You should try and punch in Ana's blog url on that page and see what her blog's readability is! hahhaha! It just cracks me up.
Cakap lagi menda merepek, pusing pusing.. hahhaha!

Coffee and Cigarettes.

sigh. My bad habits are definitely costing me.

This entry took daaays in the making. haha!
Anyway, to those whom had actually missed me through the hiatus.. you haven't missed much. My entire life is pretty much at a stagnant that the hiatus couldn't come at a more perfect time than this.

It's pretty rare to get me really speechless. Really really speechless. At least if I'm not saying or writing something, I'd be thinking of something but these days I have been really.. really speechless.
I know I've been wishing for my thoughts to be quiet for a couple of times but this might be even too quiet for my own good. Ah well, at least I've managed to take a real hiatus for once! haha.
So, here's what you've missed;

I saw two love stories in one week; get this, Atonement aaannd Cloverfield! hahahhaha! I am going to tag Cloverfield as a love story no matter how you'd tell me that it's not. I've seen it and I'm telling you, it's a LOVE STORY! heehee.
Anyway, I loved Atonement. I thought it was a brilliant play of feelings. sigh. You know, I wouldn't want a love that is easy (oh why God, You made me this easily bored) but I don't think I'll live in a relationship that is so hard either.

I also went to see football at the stadium.. in the rain for the very first time. (Also the first for year 2008.) It was odd but it had brought me a quiet sense of accomplishment somehow. The crowd was scarce, but we were there.. with the team.. in the cold wet night. Ah well, count on me to find poetry in it. But this poet also has a foul mouth -- I cursed.. SO BAD that night! hahha! You could say that the people who turns up for a football match on a rainy night are rather nutty. Loyal, passionate.. and nutty. The men sitting around me and my sister were pretty animated; I had fun soaking in the crazy atmosphere. (Really, when have you ever read me complain about going to the stadium?)

Dida and I got into a small accident on the way back but I'm not going into that. The argument that had followed was too moronic to write about.

That very next day I went bowling with some friends. Met up with Ana at the commuter station.. walked around the mall and even hung around Coffee Bean before meeting up the boys! We just love our girl talks I suppose. ahahhaha! *clears throat* We did feel a little bad for taking too much time before joining them at the bowling alley.

Wasn't feeling for a game actually. Lack of sleep have always made me moody (or kooky).. or quietly cranky. But I was talked into it and I ended up having fun! (To not suck at something is always fun!) Only I got three points behind Ablen! grrr. Rematch!! heehee.

And now since Ana had mentioned it, I'm hankering to sing my throat/lungs out at a karaoke! Well, that's another thing I don't suck at so.. Anaaaa.. bila nieeee??

I've taken a fondness for Twitter. It's that text you see on the post-it on your most right. (I also added it on my Facebook.) I like the thought that I can give you a quick update with my phone -- even though it'd require me to send my text to a UK number. Oh well.. details. pshh!

Okay, since I haven't said this before over here (I checked..) I am completely and absolutely adoring Facebook and Flock! Even though Facebook thinks I'm a spammer, I still love it for the friends I've made and of course.. My Heroes Ability! (which had led me to making all those friends actually!) hahhaha. So if you're not on Fb, you should.. if you haven't added MHA on your applications, you really should. heehee.

That's it for now.
aaah.. it's good to be back!
--and today isn't Saturday. heehee.

Of showers and strangers.

The two had never occurred simultaneously, I swear.

Have you ever thought that taking a shower is a waste of time?
I mean, if you take 20-30 minutes for a shower.. a lot of things can happen in that time and you're missing it all 'cause you're in the bathroom! The least exciting room in the house. I think we should only take one when we're covered in muck.. or did something that made us sweat like pigs.. or when you're already smelling like a rotten tomato in a worn sock for skipping too many showers. Imagine the water we could save! See.. I'm only thinking about the future here.
hahahha! Obviously I haven't been writing for so long that I've started writing rubbish. May I just note though, that I have nothing against taking baths. They have relaxing properties and I think everyone should relax more.

On to the second part of the title..
this was what my horoscope said a few days ago;

A new person may come into your life and make a big impact on it. At first you may be reminded of someone from your past, but later you see this person is like no one you've ever known.

I find it.. very interesting as I've made a few acquaintances on Facebook. Really cool ones that I'd like to keep -- and I'm not usually the kind who "keeps".

Rai mentioned the other day how he's not particularly good at making friends, (but you're excellent at keeping them, pet!) Well, I strive for making a quick connection. Strangers are my favourite persons on Earth. (I figured it's because of the fact that I'm naturally aloof.)
Committed, I am not. Friendly, I can be.


Then somehow I was reminded of Ned and Chuck (Pushing Daisies); how two people can connect and become so close, yet so far.. I am making a connection here but I hardly know you at all.
I'm embracing it, it's new.. and exciting.. and a little sad.
They say;

distance makes the heart grow fonder.
Unfortunately I have only mastered the art of being at a distance.. but I keep missing the part where my heart grows fonder.

Aaah.. it's never good to leave me alone for too long at nights. This is what I'll do.. thinking.. wondering about things that I can't seem to figure out. I just think too much sometimes.
Hope your nights (and days) are going better.

ps: Just changed the layout.. before the previous one hits one year! God, that is the longest time I didn't change layouts! Ten full months!

Broken.

Lifehouse

I hate it when I'm being portrayed (by myself nonetheless) as dark, depressed and lost.. lost.. completely lost.


Hiatus is now in commence.

hmm...

I must say.. the perfect way to confuse me is by putting two of my favourite teams on the pitch.

Manchester United against Newcastle United tonight.
I had spent the entire game half-laughing, half-upset.. completely perplexed.

It's like.. Man U was my brother and Newcastle was my boyfriend.
Sure, blood is thicker than water and that's why you're on your brother's side. Still.. you'd rather not have him beat up your boyfriend by 6 to nil!! That's just -- sad! How could he!
And then he LAUGHED! grrr. Fine, I have bad tastes in men but that doesn't give him the rights to laugh at the boyfie! geez.

I know I have an odd way of putting analogies but that's basically how I'd felt through the excruciating second half of the game. sigh.
And Smudger got sent away for blowing up at the referee. Not surprising at all but still.. upsetting.

Anyway, I'm still not over what ever that was on my mind earlier. I'm still as upset as I was when I wrote the entry before this but let's just say that right now.. at this very moment.. I am too confused about the football match to be depressed.

Show me a darker side than you.

I am feeling guilty.
I feel like apologizing. Maybe to God. Maybe to myself. To myself mostly.
I don't think I'm taking life as seriously as I should. I'm grateful for so many things.. just as much as I forget about them.
It's pathetic. I'm pathetic. Sorry, me.

Sorry for having so many things to be angry about.
Sorry for being easily saddened about life.
Sorry for hardly appreciating myself. I hardly feel that this body deserves the soul it's been given.
I'm sorry that depression is one word away. Crying without a reason is no longer embarrassing because it comes too often.

Sometimes it amazes me how empty my words are.
I seemed to be speaking but no one ever listens.
It's incredible.
Incredibly depressing -- but hey! If anybody listens to me now, I'd only think that they've read this. Too late.

Some people just can't be helped. They simply need to help themselves first before anyone can lend a hand.
It's scary to think that I'm most probably beyond help. For one, I don't even trust myself -- thus I'm lost, beyond reach.. detached.

I am.. your little screwed up friend.
Who is tired of being tired.
And yet doing nothing to change the world.
I am.. blaming myself for myself.
Sorry, me.

McFly - She Falls Asleep (Part 2)

I'm Posting It.

I'm Posting It.

DAMNED BLOODY BUSY

The thing about writing notes..

When it is for me.. to me.. I would definitely keep it.
Even when it's a hate note.
Just so I could remember...

Reasons to despise you..

When I'm in love..you'll know.

I'm thinking.. wishing.. and hoping of a day.
When somehow everything clicked and all these makes sense.
I suppose every one of us is searching for a certain something in their lives, and if that is really true.. I am not so different from you after all.

Ray LaMontagne - Can I Stay

This song makes my mind wander off pretty far.
Damn my dreams!

Here's one thing that I've never said out loud--
the reason why I'm always stressed and eventually hate myself is really.. because I have a dream and expectations for myself. I never really cared what other people said about me -- all I ever cared about is ME; what I think about myself. You could say I'm selfish but really.. if you have ME in YOUR head, you'd be just as same.
My dreams.. my guilt.. are screwing me up. And hey, if you think that I'm pointing a finger for blame, take a minute and go figure out who I am really blaming.

It's been an odd week of secrets and confessions -- and it's only Wednesday! I can't honestly say how it affects my brain and heart. They're naturally jumbled up to begin with so somehow these new revelations just easily mixes up with the rest.

sigh. I wish I would stop sighing.
I wish there wasn't a word such as "sigh" so I wouldn't know how to sigh in the first place.

Anyway, I'm tired of saying this but I'll say it again just for the heck of it;
I need to get my life on track.

O yeah, I was inspired for a new blog layout -- finally! So I'm slightly cheered for the fact that I am no longer stuck in that area. heh.

Ten Foot Pole.

Now, if you've visited this blog in this past couple of hours, you'd probably witnessed an odd looking entry. Well, sorry for that. I believe I had mis-clicked the "publish" button instead of "save" as I had intended to. geez.
Moving on..

Jason Mraz - You And I Both

There is just something with this song that whenever I listen to it, it'd take my thoughts to a couple years back when I first heard it. humm..
And I will say no more of it for fear of my heart be known. hahhaha!

Speaking of Mraz.. recently I saw a video of him performing in Berlin and woww.. if I was the camera-woman, I think I'd definitely drop the camera out of nerves.
Doesn't matter the fact that I'm not that into Jason Mraz in the first place. hahha! But without a doubt, Mraz is an incredible performer.. (Just stand there singing with a guitar and I'd be drooling, really.)

You know what, I think I'll definitely name my child starting with the letter "J". I mean, at the top of my head I could think of at least 5 people I admire with names that started with J; Austen, Morrison, Chasez, Mraz, Rowling..
Really. J is the letter.

I have this hankering feeling that I should share with you some real thoughts but somehow I can't seem to bring myself to a single thought of substance -- and for that, I am sorry. (At myself mostly.)
I suppose there are just some days when I am simply.. out of reach.
Write to you later.

P.S: I remember perfectly that I've said that I won't put up anymore songs on this blog.. But now that I'm using Flock, I am no longer experiencing the stress I've had when I was using Opera! So I say there's no longer a harm in embedding file songs. yeayy!

I'm Pissed.

Must be boring to constantly read about how pissed I am.
Like I care.
Ever thought how annoying, frustrating and boring it is to be pissed constantly??
Fuck it.

Anyway, dear hobbits.
Scratch tomorrow for any chance of a picnic. I'm too pissed about everything. Even the thought that it's almost eight and if it's a go, it'll be too late for me to think of what I should get and going out to get it is making me tremble with fury.
Damn it!

I feel the need to do a lobotomy right now -- and over doing it.
I am tired of being tired.
Shit.

Paramore - Conspiracy

I'm Posting It.

There's Something About Red Meat.

I am such a carnivore..
I know.. I'll probably be skinnier and more fit if I become a vegetarian or at least eat loads more of vegetables, but MAN! How any one can resist a good slab of meat is beyond me!

I've been really hooked with one of Facebook's application called My Heroes Ability. *insert big laugh here* It's crazy -- crazy fun! I'm seriously addicted to get as many "Ability Points" as I can get that it even got me messaging strangers to help me out! hahahha! Crazy, and FUN come to think about it. It kinda brings people together, which is always cool in my book!
I think I've been doing a LOT of that lately -- messaging strangers. But somehow I don't feel too awkward with it.

Anyway, I'll try to come up with an entry of some substance some time later, yeah?

Currently addicted to:

Paramore

Screw Resolutions!

Who am I kidding?
Really. hahahhaha!
I'm a real sucker for silly traditions so I can't help myself from making resolutions every single year even though I was never really serious about making them happen. You know, it's the thought that counts, right? heehee.

So how did you celebrate new year's?
Mama, Dida and myself had spent the entire day at home that Mama had to say at the end of the day; "Baiknye anak Mama duk rumah hari ni" ("So nice that my children stayed at home today") hahhha!
Then when Papa came back, he asked; "Didn't anyone go out today?" -- We said "no" and he continued, "At all?"
That kind of gives you a general idea what sort of children we really are, yeah?

Actually, it's quite incredible.. I haven't touched the ground (since I am after all living in a flat!) since the new year! Perhaps tomorrow I should just go down for the heck of it. Except.. I can't stand the heat these days! It's terrible! I have been staying still in one spot as not to make any vigorous moves that'd make me sweat. hahhaha!

Anyway, I finished reading Artemis Fowl and the Lost Colony just before new year's and let me say that it was INCREDIBLE! I can't believe I actually shed tears for Artemis Fowl! ahhaha! The story definitely got better. To think that I've been putting off reading the book for a while.. what was I thinking??
Really looking forward to the next installment later this year! yeayy!

I'm sorry that this is practically an empty entry. I just don't think I should start the year with something heavy, hence -- frivolity!

So I've been spending weeks figuring out my resolutions for this year. (Yes, for something that I don't take too seriously, I do think about it a LOT!)
I can only find one so far.. as I still have last year's resolutions in mind. It's the guilt.. I'm really hating it.
The one I'll try to work on for now:
Find my words so I can express myself better.
Curious, right? I've had this blog for FIVE freakin' years, for God's sake and I still need to find a way to communicate better! geez.

Okay! I'll let you know if I find anything else I feel that I should be working on later. Have a good year, everybody!