Bloody hell..

I think I need to bang my head to the wall.. hard, so I could forget about the weekend. (Saturday in particular.)
blah. Remind me not to want anything so bad ever again.
Syl, I don't want you.
hahahhaha! (Laughing so I won't cry again. I absolutely HATE getting worked up like this.. blah!!! grrr!!! Make me forget, make me forget, make me forget, make me forget..)

I watched Step Up 2 : The Streets earlier. I had to sigh. Have I ever mentioned here that I love guys who can mooove? hahahha! Although I've never related them to sex (as Hitch would've suggested). I think it's just cool. And that is why, I can't help myself from watching movies about dancing.. or can't turn my eyes away when there's Usher's or Chris Brown's video on telly.
O yeah, speaking of Chris Brown, I swear I saw someone who looked like him a few days ago (that damned Saturday). That guy had the brows and lips.. heehee.

I had to try my best not to stare at him. hahahha!!
Of course, I'm kinda bad at NOT-staring. But I didn't get caught.. so.. ALL HAIL THE STARE-MASTEH.
hahahhahahahha!!
I'm losing my mind, sorry.

Oh, I like Step Up 2 by the way. I think that dance at the end was HOT! hahahhaha!
Anyway.. trying to find She's All That now. Kinda missed it. heehee.
oooh.. Nederland versus Italia tonight!! Land, hup hup Hol! hahhahaha!! God, I miss everything Europe right now..

GO ORANJE!!

Cherish feat. Yung Joc - Killa

Crushed.

Yes I am.
But you don't know that 'cause I'm not saying anything about it. Not yet at least. So never mind that.. for now. I just need to clear my head a bit.. find a new plan, set THAT in motion.. and once I no longer feel crushed or at least calm enough when I think about it, I shall tell someone about this stupid thing that had left me baffled and clueless.

A thought crossed my mind yesterday..
I wish I was photogenic.
I wish I was goth so random people wouldn't ask me for directions.
But really, the two won't go hand in hand would they? heehee.
Actually, I do wish I am photogenic AND that people wouldn't come to me and ask for directions. I was waiting for a bus yesterday and there were.. a LOT of people around. But this black car stopped right in front of ME! Asked how to get to Plaza Massalam. In my shock and stupidity, I told the man on the driver seat to make a u-turn when he could easily drive all the way straight until he sees the roundabout. gaaah! (I did told him that, eventually.. after a lot of err and umm when I can't visualize the road if he HAD made a u-turn.)
Idiot.

I swear, some days I just don't know where my head's at.

hmm.. changing topic.. you know, there is ONE question that I can't answer 'cause it's annoyingly easy and yet I have NO ANSWER for it??
"What is the most embarrassing moment of your life?"
Bloody hell. I don't think I have any!! The only thing I can think of was the one when I fell flat on the floor after jumping out of a chair during class, but really.. that wasn't really embarrassing! It was funny! I laughed so hard that day! gaah. I can't believe I can't answer one simple question.
Idiot. I should stop laughing at everything.

Okay. I'm coughing and I need a good rest.

Love you hunnyyyyy!!
heeheeheee.

Mush.

The Pogues - Love You 'Till The End

Finally!

I'm coming down with a flu/fever... excellent!
I must've sneezed.. at least a dozen times today. Horrible.
Dida just laughed earlier.. as if impressed with the viruses for finally getting me. hahha! After months of trying.. with the rest of the family having the flu and fever that had dragged on for weeks.. TWICE, the virus finally infected me.
baah. Just when I thought I was invincible. hahahha!

The last time I was being stubborn and refused any medication (well, I was in the experimenting-mood anyway) the flu had stayed with me for two weeks.. so.. Panadol, here I come!

YUCK at the dark circle under my eye!

Fuel price going up..

I swear everyone's losing their mind.
And I'm glad that I don't have a car. I'd be pissy.
Dida is planning of ways to save up some money -- actually turning off the a/c, waking up early so she wouldn't have to use the highway with the more expensive toll to work.

The petrol price is RM1.92 per litre and it'll be RM2.70 per litre starting midnight.

There's a Petronas station near our house and there was.. a crazy long queue leading towards it!! Me and Dida had a hard time going out and going back in to the area of our block! It was crazy!! We hated it. We hate stupid people who are oblivious that they're blocking our way.

the red dots were the cars lining up towards Petronas
Dida actually said that someone should throw a Molotov cocktail at Pak Lah.. hahahha! I swear, it was almost poetic.. throwing a petrol bomb. HAHAHA!
FYI, I am NOT suggesting that anyone really should hurt the prime minister in any way, yeah?
But seriously, increasing the fuel price is by NO CHANCE the way to the people's hearts. The government had definitely lost it.

P.S, you blow!

Finally saw P.S. I Love You.. and I don't like it. Not one bit. I think it's a disgrace! (okay, that was mean) But I really don't like it. If it was meant to be an adaptation of the book that I love.. I say that it's a BAAAAD adaptation!
Real bad.

But I'd talked to someone who had seen the movie without reading it first and he happens to like it. Ah well.. if you find yourself liking it, obviously you haven't read the book.

Something a tad random: Dida thinks I don't know myself as well as I think I do. Apparently at my age, I couldn't possibly know myself.
I don't know.. heh! Okay, maybe she's right.

Saw this when I was going up the stairs to my house.
Very sad teddy bear.. left outside in the cold rainy night.

it took me 6 hours and 12 minutes to finish writing this entry! hahahha!

Happy birthday pops!

Papa's birthday yesterday..
See, I've mentioned it before.. how I like June.. I like Geminis. Papa and Nina are Geminis.. so was my first best-guy-friend. heh. (hmm.. I wonder how's he doing these days.)

So anyway, we all got together for a dinner at San Fran Steakhouse (Midvalley!)
Dida had told Nina, Jasmin, and our parents that the manager had a thing for me 'cause he remembers me. blah. She likes to do that.
Of course, there's nothing wrong when a manager of a restaurant remembers you right? It's actually quite flattering when he comes to your table with your exact order and said, "for you.."
HAHAHHAHAHA!!!
I thought it was hilarious too. Then Mama craned her neck trying to get a look at the guy when he was way at the end of the room.

But really.. when it comes to food, I can get annoyingly predictable. I'll eat the same thing again and again until I get so sick of it that I wouldn't want to have it or look at it for a long period of time. haha!
So.. it's no surprise that the manager actually remembers my "usual".

So anyway, basically I had spent my night smacking Dida's arm for a bunch of reasons, having too much to eat, laughing hysterically at some silly jokes and trying my best not to walk funny 'cause my heels were hurting me. hahhaha!

It's been a good night, I suppose.
I'm willing to bet that I'll have pleasant dreams tonight but only to wake up feeling miserable. gaah!

High self-esteem -- required.

It's been an enlightening weekend for me..
A load of "family-time", but not too bad.

Had a family get together at Cik Yam's place on Saturday, and some time in the middle of it, Fariza (my cousin whom had gotten married less than a month ago) announced that we're going to merisik (pardon my lack of vocabulary) her brother's girlfriend after next month's family get together!
(Merisik is basically a Malay's tradition where the guy's family visits the girl's family home to meet her parents and voice their son's interest in marrying their daughter.)

Aaacckk!!
Apparently.. obviously.. we're practically lining up the wedding(s) for next year. And also.. seemingly, we're starting a tradition of 2 weddings in a year. (Cik Mi's and Maya's last year.. Fariza's and Ain's this year..) The second Fariza made that announcement, my uncs and aunts called out the names of us older kids; a couple of my cousins.. Dida.. MINE as candidates for the second wedding of next year! (Of course, my response to being called was anything but graceful.)
The more people talk about weddings, the more I want mine to be later.. laaater.. waaayy later. Just NOT NOW!

Dida said something very interesting that day. Because there was this one brief moment.. where this kid; Cik Yam's helper's kid did something wrong by accident.. and Cik Yam automatically made fun of her. She was like.. four, I think! And Dida made a point that whomever is in our family -- or wants to join us, NEEDS to have a very high self-esteem. (or a super-thick skin!) Between the sarcasm and constant teasing.. really.. you won't be able to hold out for long if you don't have either of those.
And so I said to Dida and Papa; "Should I worry for my future spouse..? No, I rephrase. I'm worried for my future spouse." hahahha! Seriously though.. my extended family.. the entire lot of my dad's side are.. incredibly sarcastic.

On Sunday, me, Dida and our mom went to Seremban to see Nina and the kiddies. Did nothing much really.. Nina just wanted to try out a recipe from her copy of Nigella's Feast; which had really cracked me up from the kiddies' doodles! I swear.. Nigella had turned into a vampiress!!
Watched some telly while we waited.. (for the super-late lunch/early dinner.. hahha!!)

But at one point, I was distracted by the small group of ants on the windowsill.. they were stubbornly trying to get some bug into the tiny crack on the window. It was amazing.. and annoying at the same time! They must've tried it for at least 2 hours 'cause that was how long I was watching the telly. (repeat of Sassy Girl Chun Hyang was on 8tv!!) But I was never good at waiting and staring so I never knew if the ants managed to get the bug into the crack.

The chicken was nice!! But the mashed potato was even more awesome. *ehem* Because I worked on the potatoes.. *ehem* hahhaha!
We did nothing much after the meal. Just sitting around, yapping.. watching the kids play.. gossiping a bit.. Talking about our mom even though she was in the same room.. hahhaha! I adore my two sisters.. except the fact that Dida is SO Dida.. typically telling Nina stuff about me. gaaah! It's actually weird when people knows things about you when you didn't tell them anything. Feels like they're cheating or something. heh.

Kiddies running around

Okie.. should head to bed soon if I want an early start tomorrow. (Today, really.)

Ke-si-aaan

Long day. Sort of.
Remind me to wash my hair later during the day. Dida called me at the last minute this afternoon, I couldn't bear to keep her waiting just so I could wash my hair. blah.

We went to KLCC to use that rebate-coupon-thingy that we got from Marks & Spencer. Bought Nina some supposedly-maternity clothes, but well.. she doesn't really need "maternity clothes".. We ended up getting her a top that is 2-sizes bigger than her usual size. heh.

Honestly there isn't anything particularly interesting today.
Except maybe the fact that Rai called for the freakin' SECOND TIME in one month!! I swear I almost fainted. BWAHAHAHHAHA!! (an exaggeration of course..)
Dida had noticed a pattern apparently. She didn't have to ask who was it on the phone 'cause I always talk so loud when Rai is on the other end of the line. Nuts. There's always something to shout at him. gaah!

Actually, I get pretty hysterical whenever one of my old school friends calls. I think there's something about the fact that we've known each other for years.. so we know exactly how to make the other tick.. and laugh.
But but.. I must say, that my favourite favourite thing about knowing my friends for as long as I have known them is the fact that I could throw curses at them and they'd know that I don't actually mean them! hahahahha!!

Okay, so June is.. a day away. sigh.
I actually like June. It reminds me of Geminis, and I'm partial towards them (obviously!) But.. it's June... I had spent half a year, doing nothing to achieve my year's resolution -- which sucks.

blah. I keep feeling the need to grow up more and more -- which really sucks!
And I'm nervous. I don't like thinking ahead 'cause they make me nervous. Plans makes me nervous. So now I'm nervous because I'm thinking about my "plans". Oh, and obviously.. I REALLY don't like talking about them because -- they make me nervous! :P

As mundane as every other day..

I'm bored.. yea yeaa.. nothing new there.
Just thought I'd post something and let you know that I'm still alive. Which I am, currently at least.

I need to stop writing about plans and just set them in motion. I'm tired of talking and I just want to DO!
Talking, believe it or not, is making me tired and frustrated.
More tired than frustrated.

And I believe, the bed is calling my name. It's times like this when I'm rather attached to it.

mm.. yeaa.. so..

I think I'm upset.
heh. And typically me.. you'll hardly ever hear me saying that to the person who upsets me. Maybe because I'm upset at myself most of all.. Rather than not having the person upset me, I would much rather not be upset in the first place.
Get it?

I have no idea why, but I find it easier to blame myself than other people.
I have a theory.. that my mind had the idea of "independence" pretty much messed up.

I keep on wishing that I hadn't wanted half the things that I want.
I wish it hadn't bothered me, but it does.
I wish I didn't care, but it's too late.. 'cause I do.
More time.. I wish for more time.

mmph. I'm fine really.. I just need to grow up.
I'm fine.. I'll be fine.. until then, I'll just pretend that I'm fine. It isn't hard, not at all. I'm fine.

Puzzled puzzle..

mm.. Maybe I shouldn't be thinking of half the things that I think about. They're hardly relevant or significant. Yet another self-inflicted pain.. but since I have a low threshold for pain, instead of picking up a razor blade.. I picked up a random thought and obsess over it. I'm maiming my mind with unnecessary thoughts.

ughh.. Don't ask me what I'm thinking about. My thoughts are SO lame, I feel like the voice of my head is even mumbling to itself. I feel like taking a break but from what, I have no idea.
Okay, I think I'm just freaking out about life in general and I'm freaking out even more for the fact that I can't run away from life. I'm hyperventilating.
Give me a minute.
.
..
...

Okay, I probably should stop thinking altogether and take a breather. My health has been declining for the past two days and I refuse to catch a flu or a fever. eww.
I am now... ignoring my thoughts.
I am.. praying that that would work.

Danity Kane - Damaged

Thank you hunny!

David Cook - Always Be My Baby

Glory Glory!

bwahahahahaha!!

"European Champions".. seriously.
The game was excruciating! I mean.. really.. my broadcast was lagging and I was in a chatroom where there were four other who were watching the game. By the time it got to the penalties, I had to look away.. my stomach could barely take it. I thought I was going to puke. haha!

But it was really nice.. that we won. I feel bad for Terry, but bah, Chelsea! hahha!

Side note: Really, I simply cannot stop ogling at Vidic whenever the camera pans towards him. gaah! Perfect body-type, anyone? hahahha!! Dida agreed anyway, heh!

Moving on! David Cook won American Idol. I wasn't really following this year's Idol but I am partial to him since I accidentally saw his rendition of Billie Jean.

Other than those non-important things that has nothing to do with me particularly, there isn't anything else really.. bah!
Time passes so quickly and yet.. bleh.
I wonder if I don't think of half the things that I think of.

I lost count..

I was out the whole day on Monday.. I forgot how many ciggies I smoked. A LOT, I know. I should probably stop actually, but I'm not saying why since it'd sound like a really solid reason to stop and I refuse to believe that I have a solid reason to stop. I'm in denial. hahahha!! Plus, I need a vice. I'm already a goody-goody as it is. bleh.
Don't think about asking me what that reason is Sylly. I bet you'd start nagging me about stopping if I tell you. boo.

So I met up with the girls in Midvalley..
After a bit of walking around with Ana, we decided to just go to San Fran and sat around as we wait for Bahijah. Pretty cool actually! The manager recognized me and when we got inside he was already one step towards the smoking area before he asked.. more like making sure that we wanted to be seated at that area. hahahaha!

We decided to get something light, so Ana ordered the fried calamari for us to share but then the guy turned to me and asked, "black pepper?" hahhahha!
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS??
It means that the next time I go there.. I could try and ask for "the usual" !!! Really, how cool is that?!! hahahhaha!! (oy, I'm easily amused, obviously)

Bahijah joined us at about 3 and only then we ordered lunch. (and I didn't have the black pepper steak, just so you know. I wasn't feeling it so I got the Alfredo.)
We yapped.. gossiped a bit (haha!) but mostly reminisce about our days in college. Alpha year mostly. Bahijah mentioned HB0 which was amusing since I just reread a bit of my old entries the other day and came across our times there.
And oh, the stupid recordings on mine and Ana's computer.. about the song/video we made for Sheeya.. heh.

We were in San Fran for 3 hours basically.. Bahijah had to leave before 7. Me and Ana walked around a bit some more before making our way to the commuter. Parted ways in Central and I got on my train back to Shah Alam.. then Mama called and asked where I was and said that Dida was on her way to KLCC so I should call her.

And I did. I got off the train at the third stop from Central and waited for Dida to come and pick me up, and we made our way to KLCC. She had wanted to buy a pressie for somebody and so I helped a bit with what I can. I guess I should be thankful for my time working in Kinokuniya.. those months in KLCC had gotten me familiar with the shops (and fire escapes, obviously!) (uh, I guess that's an inside joke.) I led Dida to D'NATA; awesome shop, my kind of shop.. Me and Dida fought over the right colour of paper and ribbons but it turned out AWESOME! I swear, I could probably start a career at gifts-presentation. hahahha!

Then we went to get dinner. Headed towards Chilli's at first but it was packed.. so guess where we went next....
SAN FRAN!!
hahahahhaha!! But Midvalley's is waaaaaayy better than KLCC's. I probably should email them about it later. heh.

Oh, this is SUCH a boring entry...
I should just go to bed.

Oh.. my.. God!

Just saw this week's episode of House and Bones.. and oh my God..
omg omg omg!
Like.. ughh.. the first word that came out from my mouth at the ending of those two episodes were "shit!"

Okay.. going to watch CSI: NY now.. if I can get my head around.. things.

Oh earlier, I finally saw Evening. I find it.. a little poignant.
It was about a woman and her mistakes.. which turned out not to be mistakes after all! hahaha. Ah well, basically it was about her last thoughts while in her death bed.. her regrets. It was slow.. but I felt like I learned something. heh.

Also, I finally saw Iron Man last night. I laughed when the title came out; Orang Besi -- whaaa?! hahahahha! Sometimes I feel like those translators were actually being funny and not actually simply translating the English words ver batum. (At least I would like to think that they have some bit sense of humour than just being stupid.)
And yeah.. the movie was as good as everyone else had told me.

As you can see.. my day had been pretty uneventful today so there's nothing much to blog about.

Stupid video clip, still make me cry..

I forgot..

I know I had something to write about two hours ago.. then I waited.. and waited.. and now I forgot what it was. sheesh!

hmm.. you know how people say stupid things when they're drunk?
I think I say the stupidest things when I'm half-asleep. It's my version of being drunk; when my brain is barely functioning.
I used to talk in my sleep. Used to. These days I only smile or grasp for something that isn't really there. ughh.

May I just say that I don't really feel like blogging today, but I just feel like I should write something. But I think I'm going to waste some paper and ink now..
Oh, my head was repeating this song when I woke up in the middle of last night..

Sixpence None The Richer - Melody Of You

-_-'

So I spent most of my weekend on a bus..
Malay weddings.. yadaa yadaa.. I guess I should say that it's been my family thing as well; road trips. Not sure when it started but I remember we went to Penang on a bus for Nina's wedding.. for Abang Min's Jasmin's side.. (who am I trying to kid.. I've never called him "Abang Min" before! I guess it's just the same as I've never called my sisters Kak--something before, so it's only fair! hahahha!)

We went to Johor during the weekend.
Let's see.. activities in the bus include; eating, staring out at the window as we got stuck in a jam for 2 hours.. (like really.. stuck STUCK with absolutely nowhere to go 'cause there was an accident with a lorry with steel beams just 4km ahead. haha!) umm.. what else.. sleeping, yes. Playing with the kiddies, talking with the couzies, also.. UNO! hahahha!


We pretty much arrived at our chalets after 9 freakin' hours!!
Then most of us went to the beach after putting our things.. I was there too.. but not really.. heh. Basically I did nothing much at the beach except for staring out to the sea..
Later we were back on the bus.. went to some place for dinner.. and I actually almost dozed off on the way back. (which I did the minute I got back to the chalet and my head hit the pillow.)

I got a little irritated in the morning. Everyone woke up TOO EARLY, in my opinion. hahha! They're all ready and showered at 8AM.. WHAT'S UP WITH THAT!! It was Sunday! Sleep in a bit!! But nooooo.. they were up.. and was having breakfast.
So what did I do? Skip shower and have breakfast! hahhahaha!! After breakfast, the kids were up for the beach again.. and well, there really is nothing much to do over there..

Kinda amazing, really.. the sea was at low tide in the morning and we had to walk pretty far until we reached the water. The few puddles of sea water left some really interesting (yet icky) wildlife. The kids (my smaller cousins) were really cute.. they identified the critters as Mr. Crabs and Patrick! hahahha! Spongebob were missing though..
And there were a couple of sea cucumbers in those puddles (really
icky.. like.. REALLY!) and Cik Midah actually took some of them back. err.. I'm a bit curious though.. if she could actually turn them into one of those remedial oils.

I think I was there for a good hour.. Then I walked back towards the chalets with my cousins Sarah, Hannah and Anis. I couldn't wait for Nina.. the kiddies just wouldn't come out of the water before everyone else, and I had enough dosage of the sun.

I got a bit of nap before getting my shower.. then I had to rush around getting ready and pack my things. haha!
Oh, FYI.. our family was only on one bus. The second one in the pic was Cik Nas' family (Fariza's mom). baah.. Malay weddings.. Malay family.. (mine at least!) it'll probably take a full hour to actually explain things to a non-Malay, so I'm not going to try very hard in here. heehee.

The event wasn't bad. And I'm saying that after deducting the fact that we WERE in the bus for 9 hours the previous day. The food was good enough.. and the dessert! wooo! Tau-hu-fa!! (Tofu jelly) That was seriously unconventional.. I mean, nobody had ever served that in a wedding, or if they have, I've never been to them but I was pleasantly surprised that they did! And yeah, I had two servings of them. hahhaha!!

We stayed for over an hour.. and headed back towards the bus and made our way back to "civilization" as Tau had put it. haha! I changed to my shirt and jeans in the bus with my girl cousins stared; wondering how I manage to pull it off without having any bit of my skin showing (practice, darlings.. Practice makes perfect.) They all had to wait for the rest stop to change, as my dad and Tau wondered when and where I did it. muahahaha!! I was amazing, I tell ya'. HAHAHAHAHA!

The journey back was pretty much uneventful. A lot of sleeping and daydreaming. Mostly trying to sleep but ended up daydreaming. heh. But I love that there was Baskin Robbins at one of the rest stops that we went to! heehee.
Dida and Syl updated me on the F1 race and football so I became the announcer on the bus. Not intentionally though..
I had to announce it 'cause the people who wonders about them just happened to be sitting at the front.

We arrived at Cik Halim's (my uncle, Fariza's dad) house around 11pm.. we all got our bags out from the bus, standing around at the front of the house. Kinda reminded me of school trips when everyone waits around for their parents to come pick them up. heehee.
The trip wasn't bad at all.. I think it was almost fun, even! hahha! I mean, I always get enough distraction from getting bored.. texting, phonecalls.. doodling. It's all goooood.

And I'm only able to write/publish all of this today 'cause, people.. I had finally.. completely broke my stupid pc! wooot! I've always wanted to throw my CPU out the window.. maybe now I can.
and ohh!! GLORY GLORY!!! hahhahaha!
Have a good week, everyone.

Damn it Danny!!

Just some unnecessary update..

Ever since I've started playing MHA (plus the Writer's Strike stuff..) I haven't seen any of my favourite shows.. for MONTHS!!
I'm catching up to them now (since I've practically retired from that application on Facebook. 5 freakin' months is long enough to obsess about a game, I think! That's even longer than any of my past relationships, so.. hahahhaha!!)

Anyway, catching up to those shows in one sitting is making me slightly disoriented actually. Like, I was watching CSI: NY but I was thinking, that maggots scene was yuck!. And.. uh.. that maggots scene was actually from Bones! hahahha!
But hey, I am pretty pleased that I'm up to date on Bones, House, Grey's Anatomy and The Office now.

Oh oh!! I watched Waitress yesterday. It was neat! I love Keri Russell -- soo pretty!! hahaha! But I love the script, really. Some things on there were really witty. I just love it.

Umm.. what else.
Oh, I'll be away this weekend.. "Family time" OMG!!
The thought of being stuck with the family always make me feel.. slightly.. suffocated uneasy. Who knows really.. I might actually end up having fun. Weird actually.. I always end up having fun, but I always dreaded the thought of it. hahaha!
Ah, even I don't completely understand my psyche..

"Babi gila"

Pettt!!
hahhaha!! It is SO awesome that you called!! Especially since I've been thinking of writing an open letter to you. You know.. the kind where I shamelessly let the world know that I've missed you and that I actually have things to tell you but didn't know how to bring up -- so you'd have to pry it out of me. heehee.
Also.. the fact that we've pretty much caught up a bit on each other's lives made me feel like a WAAAY better friend than I was yesterday. HAHAHAHA!! Seriously though.. you crossed my mind like once a day for the past week. So, THAAANNKK YOUUUUU!!
And no, I haven't forwarded you any email since we hung up. muahahahahahaha!!

Anyway, here's one thing nobody knew.. yet.
I cried in my bed last night. Not to sleep though.. nothing tragic like that. Just.. for one moment.. for one very brief moment, I felt a mixture of absolute bliss and being scared shitless. hahha! And as odd as that sounds, it had somehow brought me.. a single tear.
heehee. yeah, just one. One lonely tear that ran down my left cheek. I must say that I'm now convinced that my left eye is more emotional than the right. hahaha!

I love the way I feel these days.
Even with the slight nervousness, occasional freaking out and constant constant curiosity. The great unknown is showing me things I've never seen before and I must admit that I like what I'm seeing.
I'm like the drunkard that is halfway home.. (okay, that MAY be an exaggeration but I don't care.. I just feel like saying that.)

ps: do a search on my blog for "drunkard" if that last line doesn't make sense to you.

You're a part-time lover and a full-time friend

So I finally saw Juno.
heehee. I like it, but mostly because of "Juno". Cool kid. Cool room too. haha!

It's been a weird couple of days. I don't know.. feels like a few chunks of my memory just disappeared and simply replaced by conversations.
I barely remember if I'd showered.. or what ever I did yesterday.. all there is in my thoughts are words.. words.. and more words..

Things I've said.. things you've said..
Unencumbered words.
A jumble of words.. and lines that I'm hoping not to forget.

Dida said something interesting earlier. I told her that I get freaked out at the mention of marriage.. She smiled.. looked at me carefully as if reading something written on my face, and said; "you're looking for a long-term relationship, not a commitment."
It wasn't a question.. she wasn't wondering.. It was a statement.

I told her that it's possible since I've never really been in a long-term relationship and to skip it doesn't sound quite right.
I seem to have an idea that I should try and feel everything first before settling on something, you know.. Skipping a phase or step would seem like I'll miss something. hmm.. (that's how I think anyway.)

Then Dida basically said that if it's right, it's right.. That things doesn't need to go slow. Then she added; "for a person who is easily bored though.. I wouldn't know how to help"
And now here I am left wondering still.. thinking.. worrying..

My candle burns at both ends
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends -
It gives a lovely light.

Edna St. Vincent Millay

Is it lame to say that I don't just want a lovely light. A lovely light for half a night is easy for me. I can easily say that I've had half a dozen of those.
I wouldn't mind if the light flickers throughout the night.. if it dims for a few minutes.. or for a moment it seems like dying, but held on.
And yeah, boys and girls.. I'm using that darned candle as a metaphor. blah.

I'd like to say that I'll be the light that holds on for the rest of the night. But I can't.
What I can say.. now.. is that I want to be the light that holds on for the rest of the night.
It's so selfish of me to ask, but keep me burning, will you? Throw me a wood.. a stick.. a rope.

Barry Louis Polisar - All I Want Is You

Talk dirrty to me, Ana.

Oy, I've never been glad that the weekend is over. yayy!!

Fariza, one of my cousins (err.. FYI, my dad has TEN siblings. I forgot how many cousins I have.. but I'm the tenth eldest) got married this weekend so I've been spending the Friday and Saturday in Bukit Kapar.. doing.. almost nothing. haha! Just showing my face and let the relatives know that I'm still alive really.

So anyway.. Malay weddings.. yada yadaa..
I've never been keen with weddings. Ever since I was little. Maybe it's the weather.. the thought of walking around in the sun, shaking hands with people I barely knew.. plastering a smile on my face to strangers, thanking them for stopping by.. ughh.. I'm not THAT friendly.

Although I did enjoy Nina's wedding. I thought it was the coolest! Plus, I got to invite MY friends! HAHAHAHAHA! But really.. the only wedding I'm looking forward to now is Dida's. It'd be interesting since she said that she wouldn't do anything big. HAH! We'll see how that turns out.. when she gets married.. (who knows when that is!) But soonish, I hope. I know how bothered she is about her age.

I'd wished for something to do on Saturday. Beats sitting around in front of the telly and watch some Hindi film or a Malay drama that was titled "Cinta Sibuta". I mean.. I get it if they wanted something that rhymed for a title, but that was just.. hideous. At one point I was stuck with it while everyone else (my mom, Nina, Dida and Farhana) slept. blah. I hate that I'm pretty much incapable of sleeping in an unfamiliar house.
Oh, but that pic right there was taken by Nina.. once she got up from her nap. heh.

Also, just for the record.. 2 of my cousins are now married.. another one later this year.. then there's Nina.. so.. err.. rank-wise, I should tie the knot in the next 6 weddings..? HA HA HA HA HA!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Oh, I probably should post a pic of the married couple yeah? But I DON'T HAVE ANY!! HAHAHHAHAHA!!! Oy, I'm awful..

So anyway, Sunday.. the day that I was looking forward to..
Got to OU around 2.. was walking around, texting.. minding my own business, when someone called my name and it was Dar with Ayin. Thought I had a few minutes to myself, completely caught me off guard. hahaha. (Then I glued my phone to my ear -- so rude, I know -- 'cause I'm pathetic at small talks! gaah!) Not long after that Ablen joined us.. then Ana.. while Bahijah was still sleeping! rawr!
blablabla.. Nothing much happened.. had lunch at Carl's Jr.. Otot came to join us.. Ayin had to leave.. then Bahijah finally arrived.. yada yadaa..

I honestly don't remember much what we talked about throughout the day. But after a while we left our table and went to find one at Nando's because they have some seats outdoors. OUTDOORS!! hahahha! Typically, I whipped out my UNO deck and we all got into some friendly rivalry. ha ha ha ha!
Dar was dethroned off his "UNO God" status -- that was fun.

Then Ana was talking dirty to all of us about the split she made at the bowling alley the last time we were all out together. (Monnnthhss ago!) It was hilarious. My stomach ached from laughing, and Ana almost cried. She was saying how she never knew she could do that big of a split.. how satisfying it was. She had compared it to a person whom haven't had a drink in a while and how relieving it was to quench the thirst. hahahha! ah, the words sounded a little more dirtier in Malay somehow. By the end of it we were all feeling really warm and decided to get inside to the a/c.

Oooh!! How can I forget this.. while we were there.. we bumped into 2 people who were wearing the same shirt as Dar!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!


Anyway, the day had been a lot of fun.
Hope we wouldn't have to wait 'til next year to do it again. (the last time the "original members" -- as Dar had put it, got together was last JUNE!!)

Now that I've written my entry of the weekend.. I can sleep in peace.. (theoretically at least.)

Your brand of heroin.

Having a bit of headache.
umm.. I blame the coffee and the lack of oxygen/blood running through my head. Between being lightheaded and with my heart skipping too many beats lately (I blame Syl!) it's a wonder how I only have a headache. heehee.

Okay, maybe I shouldn't just blame him. I blame the weather as well. It's been so warm lately.. the heat is making my head feel like it's capable of blowing up. uh.. that is an exaggeration of course, but who knows.. maybe it isn't.

Feels like I'm on a high after seeing my friends on Monday. And then.. Ana sent me a text last night asking if I was free on Sunday to hang out with some of the guys as well.. THE GUYYSS!!!! *throws hands in the air and cheers* Okay, I'm trying not to get too excited in case something came up later. blah.
I mean, I've talked to Ablen about meeting up a few weeks ago and we still haven't actually met up. So.. I'm playing it cool. hahahhaa!! I'm playing it cool with "plans".. I'm losing it.

One of my cousins is getting married this Friday/Saturday. Feels like I've been to too many weddings in the past 6 months. I am SO not getting married anytime soon.. just to spare the rest of my family from all the hassle. ha ha ha ha ha!! Marriage = hassle.. doesn't sound right, does it. hahahaha!!

Okay, so I am now more open to having.. being in a relationship (booo!!) but.. uh.. marriage.. still freaks me out, yeah. The best way to freak me out is by telling me the people my age who are getting married. hahahaha! At least my cousin is a few years older than me so other than having been to too many weddings, I have nothing else against it.

Oh anyway.. I hope I'll be in a chirpy mood come Friday and Saturday. I need to be chirpy to face a family get together. HAHAHAHA!

hmm.. Syl, your voice is ringing in my ears again. rawr! My brain keeps pulling out some random lines you've said to me.. and I can still laugh at that line that starts with "careful--".
BWAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!!
You're such a bad influence..

Well, have a good day everyone!
And B, I'm pretty sure that this entry is understandable, yeah? :P

Vanessa Carlton - A Thousand Miles

Incredible.. I've been on this edit page since 9:30PM.. sheesh! 6 and a half hours!!

"Gila gempak!"

*laughs hysterically*
I love you whole heartedly, Ana.. you rempit you.. hahahha!!

I had an awesome day out! heehee. Got to OU just in time as Ana got off work; talk about great timing. heh. We didn't have exact plans on what to do.. so we ended up walking to The Curve for their outdoors-Coffee Bean. OUTDOORS! woot! hahaha! We spent about 3 hours there.. with our private ritual.. until Ana got restless for lack of "things" to do. haha!
Congrats on the 2 months, babe. heehee.

We'd called Bahijah and got her to pick us up midway from our walk back towards OU. heehee. I probably should've made better plans, yah?
I will.. I will..
The word "picnic" is ringing in my ears.

So we were in OU.. sitting just outside Burger King.. and got into another private ritual which was just.. hilarious every single time I think about it! haha! Honestly, we HAVE GOT to make some new rituals.. nicer ones. *winks*
Bahijah had to leave early since she's got to get to the gym.. booo for working out!! Even if you only do it so you'll be thin before having a baby! HAHAHAHA!!
I also love you whole heartedly, B..

hmm.. I think I get drunk when I'm tired/sleepy. I'm theorizing that it's my mind's way of distracting itself from shutting down.
Moving on...

Alia had missed Bahijah by mere minutes. I was hoping they could finally meet since they share a bunch of mutual friends and yet never met each other. Ah well.. there will be some other time I guess.
Anyway, we didn't do much afterwards.. just walked around.. Alia getting to know Ana, saying how cute Ana was and how thin I'd looked.. pinching my arms and stuff.. a bunch of times. hahha!
Seriously Alia.. I love you a whole lot, but didn't your parents tell you that it's rude to stare?? hahahha. I know about my non-existent cleavage.. it's sad that you had to point that out. grrrr.


We sent Ana home at 8-ish.. then Alia got me back to Shah Alam where we decided to make a quick stop at err.. Coffee Bean in SACC!
HAHAHHAHAHAHA!!
I swear that's the only place I've been spending my money these days. rawr! Damn coffees!

And now I'm safely back at home.. fighting off my tiredness just so I can write a fairly sensible entry for Bahijah to read. hahaha. I need to remind myself not to go out at 1pm when I got to sleep well after 7am next time. weeeeeeeeee!

Thank you for a brilliant day out, girls. Also, I would like to apologize for the times when my eyes went out of focus and the random grins and smiles at inappropriate moments. I swear, they were unconsciously done. hahhahaha!

Dear hands,

please stop shaking.
I'm not asking a lot, am I?
Just.. stop shaking already!

I swear, now my nerves have a mind of its own.

I've figured out why I hated sharing my feelings and thoughts so much.
DUM - DUM - DUMM (big dramatic drums sound effect)
I just hate being vulnerable that much.. ta-daa! hahahha! Stupid.. why is it so hard to figure that one out.

Streaking just bothers me.
Having someone know every single bit of my thoughts is just.. scary. Somehow.
So I always end up editing my words inside my head. Although I probably shouldn't, yeaaaah?

hmm.. I just don't play fair. I like people being honest with me, but I rarely reciprocate.
One step forward, two steps back. Idiotic.

The walls we build around us to keep out the sadness also keep out the joy.

Jim Rohn

yea yeaah.. (I'm still telling myself that.) Trying to take the wall down. Just.. very slowly.
Even if I don't want to, I know you'll help me with it. Like I have a choice. blah. hahhaha!

uh...

yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yadaa

I honestly hate talking about things that I don't know of. It seems so redundant. Like, what am I really trying to say??!
But I'm having a few thoughts in my mind. Some random, some are not. And in attempt to dull these thoughts, I will let my fingers type out what ever it is that is appropriate enough for me to type.

I'm having a slight headache. I'm trying to dull that as well. heh.

I had one of the oddest nights. Well, odd for the way that I'd felt everytime I wake up from my sleep. I was freaking out about something.. and well, it was out of my mind as I sleep. But the second I wake up.. pang!.. in my brain. I fell back to sleep and when I wake up again, pang! hahahaha.
It was more annoying than anything, really.
I'd told my brain to get over it but it won't. blah. I'm so stubborn.. I won't even listen to me.

I'm fairly fine now. Fairly.
And I'm disabling comment! hahahahha!

I'm Posting It

I'm freakin boooreeeddd!!

I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored.
I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored.
I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored.
I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored.
I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored.
I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored.
I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored.
I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored.
I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored.
I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored.
I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored.
I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored.
I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored.

I can't believe how the minutes are passing so slow today. So slow.. Sooo sloooww..! So freakin' slow, I could cry.
I just might, damnit!

Unstable emotions + slow day = tears.

gaah. I am using all my might to stop myself from writing a super-stupid entry or email. God help me. aaaghhhhhhh!!!

I want my lifelog... *pouts*

Since Lifelogger is still acting like crap. (Maybe it's just mine..? I don't know) I can't exactly share any song over here. It won't play. yuck. Annoying.

Anyway, I woke up today by Dida's call.. sometimes I prefer the times when we're having a fight. She wouldn't be talking to me, hence I wouldn't have to do any favours for her. muaahahahaha!
But actually, it may have been the time to wake up anyway. I was woken up at 9.. managed to fall back to sleep.. then woke up again at 10.. blah. I hate it when that happens. I think I had some weird dreams, but I don't remember them anymore. So what ever. heh. (rambling.)

The thoughts of the Twilight series are still fresh in my mind. I honestly love the books. Of course, there were three so there are bound to be some sluggish parts, but really.. I really enjoyed the books! And yeah.. it all started with Eeva and now everyone's on Cullen fever. hahaha!
The 4th book, final installment (from Bella's view) is coming out in August. weeee! hmm.. sigh. My to-read list keeps getting longer and longer. blah.

OH!
I just remembered what I had dreamt this morning...
err.. unfortunately it's too silly to share. hahahaha!

hmm.. would you believe that an old Avril Lavigne's song is stuck in my head right now? sigh. Of all people..

It's Friday.. think I'm going to clip my nails. heh. I should do something good today after... earlier. heehee. oh, that reminds me.. I saw two house-lizards "doing it" and it totally made me laugh. hahaha!
Also, I think I'm freaking out again. But it's.. fine really. It comes and goes.. in waves. I might just get used to the freaking out.

Fighting all the demons will take time.

A line from Dishwalla's song seems very fitting for the title today. At least it seems fitting to the way I feel right now.

It's official. I hate hyperventilating. Even the word irks me now. The more often it happens, the more I feel like becoming the third wife. I would've just scream if it isn't in the middle of the night right now. Stupid heart. It's just as stupid as my brain, really. Makes me wonder how I got through 23 years with them.

Funny thing happened tonight. yada yada yadaa.. don't think I want to talk about it actually. I'm in between giggling fits and nervousness. In a way I am glad that I was able to be honest instead of twisting and turning my words in an attempt of being coy. (Lying is out of the question 'cause I'm pretty pathetic at it. Or at least my conscience is.)
But I don't know what to think now. Probably a good thing since nothing good ever comes out from me thinking, really. Yet somehow I am.. sorta.. kinda.. freaking out.. a little. crap.

Anyway, I haven't done this stuff in ages!
Unconscious Mutterings

1. Questioning :: myself
2. Immunity :: Survivor! hahaha
3. Online dating :: HAHAHAHA!! OMG!
4. Calcium :: bones
5. Dressing :: odd
6. Bucket :: water
7. Stain :: blood
8. Advanced :: program
9. Dramatic :: sometimes (me)
10. Self-medication :: woohoo! sounds pretty good right about now.

PS: the time now is 2:45 PM.. and I am no longer freaked out. heh.

Hyperventilating.

Seems like I've been doing that a lot recently.. and I don't know why.
There are certain things that I just can't explain. Doesn't matter how many hours I'd spend trying to figure it out. I keep on coming up with blanks.

I just feel.. a cloud over my chest. Making me hard to breathe. (Asthma? HAHAHA!!)

I wish I have the answers. It irks me when I don't have the answers to my own questions. It annoys me when there is no one I could shout at except myself. I hate to hate myself but I'm making it too easy for myself. heh.

Great. Cold sweats. Just what I need right now. blah.
Maybe I'm just getting the flu. Everyone at home have had it. Somehow it missed me. hmmph. Typical. I shall look at the horizon and wait for the super-flu to come and get me then. (Negative much?)

hmm.. Don't try reading between the lines. This has nothing to do with anyone but me. And here I am typing this out for the world to read. Just another question to throw out to the universe.
I swear if the universe is a person, it would be just as dumbfounded as I always find myself with my chaotic thoughts.

I think I need a day out.

"Do you play with yourself?"

HAHAHAHHAHAHAAHA!!!!
O yeah, paper dolls, soft toys and such. hahahahaha!
ughh.. if my hands would stop shaking I'd have more to say on this but it hasn't yet. Not completely anyway, so no more mention of paper dolls until I'm old enough. (hah! I'm talking in riddles again.)

hmm.. the room is spinning. And my songs aren't playing.. sigh. I have no idea what's going on with LL these days.

/me goes back to reading Eclipse of the Twilight series despite her eyes being out of focus.
(if Syl wouldn't spoil it first, that is.. RAWR!)

Losing myself.

I'm going to be sappy again.
Have I annoyed you yet?

I'm.. I'm...
I can't breath.
Semi-hyperventilating.
I would say that I am losing my mind but my judgement is clear.
I could say I'm losing my heart but I know it's right there, where I'd last put it. That's why it hurts too much. Because it feels so much.

Only..
My heart. It doesn't feel like mine. Not really. Not anymore at least.
I'm....
hmm.. I need my sleep. heh!

spam!

"Yes," I admitted honestly, knowing as I continued that I was probably shooting myself in the foot with my words. "I'll have a lot more fun if you're there. Bring Quil, and we'll make it a party."

That doesn't make so much sense right?
I mean, of course.. you don't have a copy of New Moon in front of you but really..

That line really is.. pretty insignificant. Except the fact that it'd just made me giggle. Of course, what you must know is that my mind is wandering way to the neighbouring country when I read it and I was giggling not for that line.

Ughh.. I'm going to gush. STOPP MEEE!!
Feels like I'm spamming my own blog for all the same reasons tonight. hahahaha!

It's the things you say and the way you say it..

A jumble of words.

light·head·ed [lahyt-hed-id]
giddy, dizzy, or delirious.

blah. I can't read. Even though I really want to see how things will pan out but I just can't seem to focus on the book I am reading.
Your words sounded so much better than any word I read from a book, or listen from any song. ughh.. yuck. I am so cheesy, it's embarrassing. I feel like the script writer of a B-rated movie right about now.

sap·py [sap-ee]
Excessively sentimental; mawkish.

I hate being sappy, and I'm sure you knew that already. I tease you for it all the time and now I'm the one who deserves to be teased.

pine [pahyn]
to yearn deeply; suffer with longing; long painfully

Also.. I must say that I am hating the words that crosses my mind tonight. They're all crazy. I'm not necessarily the most reasonable person you'll find but I can't accept absurdities. It annoys me that I am being ludicrous. blah. It's annoying how I am not liking myself for some really odd reasons.

gush [guhsh]
to express oneself extravagantly or emotionally; talk effusively

I.. don't usually want my heart be known. I talk in riddles and circles.. But you make it seem, and feel okay when you manage to decipher every code I threw at you.
This really feels foreign to me. sigh. I don't know what to make of it.
uggh.. I'm sensing a headache is coming in my attempt to not feel too much.

Leigh Nash - Need To Be Next To You

ha! This entry took me 2 and a half hours to write!!

OMG!!

ughh.. I seem to be saying that a lot these days.. I guess a couple of things have been going on and somehow I find solace in His presence.
Sometimes I feel like God is my imaginary friend. heh. Maybe He is.. my heart and mind gets so crazy sometimes. And so is my faith. gaah! The things I say when I'm feeling low.

19:40 - sigh. Syl, way to go at distracting me. booo. heehee.

So anyway, since my mood had been involuntarily picked up (boo!) I guess I should write something chirpy now, yeah? haha!

I'm currently reading Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series and loving it!! Well, sort of. The second book is depressing but that just says how good the book is for it evoke real feelings on the readers. (But then again I've always been a little sensitive towards these things.)

Eeva has been telling me to read the book since last month and right now me, Syl and Ez/Ari/Gis (haha!) are reading it. (Jake is supposed to be reading it too) I swear it feels like we're all in Oprah's Book Club. Except Eeva can't really be Oprah.. she bitches too much! öpö öpö!!!
Oh, and turns out I'm a really slow reader compared to the two guys. It's pathetic, but what ever. heehee. Lets pretend that it doesn't bother me.

Okay. I think I'm ready to get back to reading!
And oh..
Happy Belated, Hanisss!!!
I had too many things on my mind yesterday and lost track of time. bleh. Hope you had a good time!

Counting Crows - Accidentally In Love

OMG-- just fuck off!!

I think it's amazing how people would generally call on God only when they're having a hard time.
Fortunately, I am not among those people. I also call on Him when I'm pissed. heh.

I also think it's incredible how I'm usually driven by my need to "run away" from something. That's.. wrong, isn't it? I should be running towards something..
But that's just how the case usually is. I am perfectly fine with the way things are.. until comes a moment when I need to run away from something. Then I make myself feel better by saying that I was actually running towards something. And somehow along the way I managed to make myself believe that I was.

I hate how my head can make me believe in anything.
Then, only after a while can I hear my heart's screams: LIE LIE LIE LIES!!!

ughh.. am I not messed up, ladies and gents?
hmmph.. so.. anyway.. to run or not to run? My heart is beating hard.

On a different note, I should've been sleeping or this entry wouldn't have a reason to exist.. but I tossed and turned for an hour and my eyes won't shut even though I am a little sleepy.
Something random.. Windows Live Messenger is prejudicial towards my computer. Oh, just because I have an old version of XP, it won't let me update it.. and so I have an old.. obsolete Windows Messenger on my computer that I can't possibly use, nor delete, because for what ever reason it's not showing up on my Add or Remove Programs. Moronic.
Also.. my arms are still sore from pointlessly moving things around in my room yesterday. So I'm cranky that they're sore and I needed them to type out this freakin' entry.

See, you should never leave me alone. And you've only been away for.. hardly 4 hours. sheesh! I'm getting too dependent, I'm hating it. bleh. I blame you for EVERYTHING!!

Sixpence None The Richer - I Need Love

"My heart is a traitor"

Page 129, Line 5, The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho.

I don't think I'll ever get tired of that book. Seems like I could find a new favourite line every time I read it.

Haven't got anything to tell ya'. I've come to accept that I only blog to give you reports or when I'm really pissy about something. O yeah, add 'feeling depressive' to that very short list too.

So let me just report to you that my days have been going on eventless.. I have been a little pissy for the past few days which had led me to a few depressive moments but it had never lasted long enough for me to blog about. heh.
Someone had just refused to leave me in my dark mood. bleh.
heeheee.

Okie! Now.. so that's about it!
I finally found a song that kinda reflects my mood tonight. A little ambiguous.. but maybe understandable. heh.

Silverchair - Without You

muahaHAHAHAHA!

This is probably too silly to blog about. Absolutely ridiculous to comprehend.. but man, it was just so exciting!

So there was this guy.. the one on the pic (don't know if that's really him, but what ever..) Basically he pissed the Illums (yes, I'm talking about MHA, the application on Facebook) so we kicked him!
He got pissed.. and we were still pissed.. (mainly TJ, haha!) yada yada yadaa.. Jacob ended up teleporting him to an FFA zone and the rest of us mutated the crap outta him and gave him every bad status imaginable -- before killing him. heh.
It was fun.. even though it was around 6am and my head can barely focus on anything.

Then of course, because I went to bed after 6.. and didn't turn the laptop off when I should've had gotten me into trouble with Dida.. bleh. What ever. I hate being emotionally distressed so I'm not going to write about it.

Okie. umm.. Just so you know, I am not as emotionally distressed as I was yesterday.. or earlier today.. heehee. But also, I have nothing else to write about.

Songs in a full blast.

*cries while laughing*
So.. Eeva got me listening to Evanescence again.. which just.. brings up SO much things, but anyway.. my head had never been uncomplicated, so "so much things" is just typically me.

Oh dear God, I can't concentrate.. bleh.
I think it's amazing that I'm listening to pretty dark songs but feeling.. completely the opposite. Annoying!! Yet, amazing. heh.

Aaaaanyway!!
I went out to dinner with my dad and sister a few nights ago. At the end of the meal, my dad took out his cigarettes and lit one up. I pointed out to him that I've never EVER in my life seen him light a cigarette at a dining table. Like.. really.. EVER! He'd usually walk away before lighting up.

Then he asked, "you know why?"
My heart skipped a beat. I think I know what's coming..
"Because you guys smoke too--" BAMM!! Just like that.
I was laughing nervously while me and Dida were looking at each other. The coolness of my dad is so.. remarkable sometimes! The few lines afterwards were just hilarious.. Dida openly saying about the effects on her when she isn't smoking and stuff.. I was unsure if I should say anything else except for laughing as I keep asking myself; PAPA KNOWSS?!! - OMG!

bah.. I've been on this entry for two days and I am going to hit publish now. Can't think of anything else to write. bleh..

Bethany Joy Lenz - Halo

I miss my guitar.

I'm spamming my blog, yayy!
I got one of those warning pop ups on Facebook again so I better stop sending anymore messages for a bit.. and spam-blog! wooot!

Anyway, look what I found! (More like listen.. actually.)

NOT my song

It's only my favourite Anna Nalick's song.. baah.. lyrics.. lyrics.. hahha!
Anyway, I did that a year ago, with the broken 6th string (which is why the last note for the ending is missing. heh)
Baah.. it's been over a year and I still haven't got it fixed. I bet by the time I do, I'm going to have to change all the strings. blah.

Anna Nalick - Catalyst

Slow day, today; I had too much time to waste thinking about nothing.
heehee.

Oh - My - God!!

OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG!

You.. you..
You just made me cry.. but only because I am.. delirious.
My cheek hurts :P

The Quest of Becoming Somebody (Part 6)

The pounding of my heart.

Have I told you that I hate confrontations? Well, "hate" is such a strong word.. it's more like.. an utter dislike.
I probably shouldn't have said that.. now no one wants to tell me anything. ha!

I like the idea of being open to discussions.. but I utterly dislike it when I get all nervous.. heart's pounding.. shaky hands -- yeah, I get all that from confrontations. They wreck my nerves so bad, somehow. Acting cool is not at all plausible.

Having to focus on that other person as they focuses on you alone...
Scary.

I am.. having a pang in my heart.. so much so that it's making my head spin. If only I am capable of word-vomit and just say what ever things that runs through my mind.
Would things be easier, I wonder..

I sometimes wish that things would.. but then I know I'll get bored with that. But when things are too hard, I will have no hope for it.
What the heck am I trying to say??!
shit.

I'm not even sure if this entry should be one of the "Quest", but I guess it is. I'm trying my hardest to learn myself.. and I am not making it easy. blah.

Damn feelings. I think I'll just go cry in my bed.. or smoke.
Probably the latter.

Avril Lavigne - Tomorrow

This is the part when I run.
And this is the part where you shouldn't wait for my return. As a matter of fact, NO ONE should! I am not the one you should wait.. I don't deserve it. I can't comprehend it. Why the hell would anyone wait for someone as messed up as me. God!

The Quest of Becoming Somebody (Part 5)

I really.. truly.. honest to God.. want to believe.
Maybe if I say it enough, it will actually happen.. this time.

I want it so much I could cry.
I want it so bad I could die.

With the way I am feeling now...
Dear God, please let it stay.
The lightheadedness, shortness of breath, the occasional hyperventilation, pangs in the heart, funny feeling at the pit of the stomach.. I'd gladly keep them all, even when I always end up feeling like I could throw up.

Funny thing though.. how I can only tell what I'm really feeling when my body is behaving horribly. heh! I can't tell it any other way 'cause of the constant battle between my head and my heart -- so when my body says something, that's it really. heehee.

Anyway, I'm trying to make myself sick by listening to this song over and over again so it would stop making me feel dreamy the next time I listen to it. haha!

Bryan Adams - Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman

And I know that this is.. no where near like the other "Quest" entries.. but it actually is, really. Just.. a little too ambiguous compared to the rest. hehe.

How about something to think about?

Maybe not. heh.

I went to the Selangor vs. Kedah match last night.
eeep! It was.. something else. May I just say that I adore their fans? I mean.. they were GREAT!! The turn out was incredible. They beat Perak's fans, hands down. hahhaha!

I think it's the fact that the two top teams are up against each other was the main reason why there were so many football fans out there.
Oh, and we lost. The second losing match I'd EVER been to and I must say.. it'd felt fine. I'm pretty sure my blood pressure had rocketed the first time, but the second.. I was pretty cool about it.

Anyway, it's getting late. And I need sleep. Too tired to even tell you about those two guys in the masks. heh. I love them. They're so cute!

Life on a loop.

It's.. weird..
You know how some say that history will repeat itself.. but I'd always imagined it to be something BIG.. and really significant.

Of course, I'm just a mere bleep in the universe so the small thing could be considered as BIG.. but.. hmm.. I was hoping for something Earth-shaking. Not just some.. silly thing that I just happened to notice.
Baah. I'm about to talk in circles.. or say something really stupid so I'm going to stop right there and write about something else.


I'd spent yesterday with my favourite friends. Ana woke me up with a phone call at noon (ha!) and asked if I'd wanted to join her just hanging out. DUH! So.. I got out of bed and ended up stepping out of the house around 2. (You know, the rain.. running out of cute things to wear.. pretty bothersome. heh!)

(This is completely unnecessary but I wanted to write it anyway.)
May I just say, that I hate the effing public transport in the effing suburbs?! I mean.. seriously.. I had to wait an hour for a freakin' taxi to pass by. uh.. well.. I blame Syl for that actually.. but anyway, that's a story I won't tell here, but sheesh! ONE HOUR! I'd almost lost my mind.

Anyway, met up with Ana at Central and went to Pavillion.. hung out.. tarts.. coffees.. gossips.. the works. haha!
It was a few hours until Ilsa joined us.. then Bahijah..! Super! I know I've said this last week but really.. I was laughing and grinning so much my cheeks had hurt. It had felt like cramps at one point. hahahhaha! sheesh! I really need to get out more and get used to laughing more again.
Really.. Wanie and indoors does not mesh that well.. don't know what I was thinking. bleh.

So.. that was, what? 6 hours of my Friday spent with friends? heh. Wouldn't have it any other way. (Well, maybe there is.. but again -- different story!)
Amazing to think that I've known this girls for 6 years..
Now.. if only I could keep a guy around for just as long.
HAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!

Here's the truth..

I'm packing my bags.. converting to Buddhism and elope with my British boyfriend to Belgium (where we can eat Belgian waffles for breakfast, lunch and dinner.)
I'll write to you again when I can.



Happy April, guys.