Zaterdaag.

Jangteh's latest entry had reminded me of a quote that I can't exactly shake off of my head;

When you aspire for something with passion, all the universe conspires to make it happen..

Paulo Coelho

mm.. yah! I could think of at least 3 people I know who would laugh at that particular quote. pshh.. non-believers!
Anyway, if you'd read enough of this blog.. you can easily expect me to believe that, and you'd be correct. But anyway, YOU need to aspire for something to begin with before the universe does anything.

I like talking about the universe. Because it's so big, you have no idea what it's really like. You can make up what ever theory you want.. say what ever you like to say about it.
It's like an uncle from your mother's side. You know your mother.. how she turns out as an adult.. so you think you have a vague idea on how her brother would be like, but you don't really know him. There is a promise of endless possibilities.. somehow.

Boyfie called me a "princess" last night. I laughed so hard, it can't have been attractive. Okay, well.. he didn't exactly call me a princess, but he was trying to convince me that I am not a brat (my Facebook status was "Wanie Idris is a brat") by telling me that I am a princess instead. So I told him I'd rather be a brat. The idea of being a princess.. someone so.. preciousss. (Say that like Smeagol would.) Eww..? I don't feel anywhere near being precious.. plus I'm not too crazy about pastels (pink especially) either!

But he reckons that I am a princess as people give in to me because they'd wanted to; even when I didn't force them to.
mm.. maybe it's really the power of persuassion. I expect the youngest child in every family has a little more of that in them in comparison to anybody else. hehe. We're charming like that.
It's either that or I'm actually supernatural and is really a witch; I know hypnotism like the back of my hand. Or maybe a siren! Equally evil but more beautiful! HAHAHAHHA!

Okay, I'm rambling. I'm stopping now so I can have my shower.

Oh, hun.. I can't wait 'til next month. Listen to this! for you to listen to this. Listen.. NOW! (Okay, I'm looking forward to next month too! heehee.)

Blue October - Calling You

Hi, my name is Wanie.

I'm feeling a bit lousy today. I cannot explain it. I should probably just let my sadness go but I don't seem to be able to. Perhaps it's fear that is keeping this sadness at bay. Fear that I'll be in the same argument again in the future because both of us remains unchanged.

So in an attempt to understand myself better, I turn to my astrological sign. (ha!)
Apparently there is a book that had talked about understanding depression based on the person's sign. (Be kind, this book is more on psychology than astrology alone.)

Sagittarius becomes depressed because the individual more often than not has crashed into limits that he or she did not wish to believe were there. The discovery that one is not after all immortal and special and exempt can be quite crushing to Sagittarius. So too is the realisation that one cannot have everything one wants, and that the finished product on the earth plane will always fall short of the brilliant possibilities that were initially envisioned by the intuition. This depression is quite different, because it is not part of Sagittarius' world-view; it arises when the world-view is challenged too harshly by life itself.
Dynamics of the Unconcious by Liz Greene & Howard Sasportas

Also, apparently the person with Sagittarius rising (position of the constellation as the sun rises) is open to depression when life offers no challenge, and once in depression, they find it uncharacteristically difficult to climb out.

haha! See.. I like reading these stuff. It makes me feel slightly better knowing that I'm not just plain crazy. The fact that I was born under the Archer sign basically gave me no chance at being normal.
Although I'm starting to associate Sags with nutcases so in comparison between me and other Sags, I believe I'm pretty typical.

heh. I'm feeling slightly better now. It's amusing how embracing the fact that you have no hope of feeling normal can do to you. Although expect me to ramble about that again in the future. I've always needed constant distraction to stop me from worrying.

HAHHAHAHHAHAHHA!!!

hahahhahahhaa!!!
Oh God, I can cry.
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!

Blue October - Hate Me

Blue October is a rock band originally from Houston, Texas. The band was formed in 1995 and currently consists of Justin Furstenfeld (lead vocals,rythym guitar), Jeremy Furstenfeld (drums,percussion), Ryan Delahoussaye (violin/viola mandolin,piano backing vocals), C.B. Hudson (lead guitar,backing vocals) and Matt Noveskey (bass guitar,backing vocals).

ah, amusing..
I'm sorry, I'm not completely okay just yet so I shall spam my blog with songs and laugh for reasons you won't understand.

Why why why why whyyy

Why is it that everytime.. Every effing time I feel that I need not to worry about us, I always end up hitting myself in the head?
It's incredible how fitting this song is.

Avril Lavigne - Why

Pao shared an interesting observation with me the other day. We were discussing how we are gifted in attracting certain people. He claimed to attract psychos and I told him I attract jealous men. I suggested that we should start a support group, but he went on and said that I am not so special since apparently, "MOST MEN are jealous to begin with". Then he elaborated by saying, "the prettier and more outgoing the girl, the more jealous the guy"

If I'M outgoing.. I don't know how/what I'll be if I try to be less-outgoing! I'd probably be in a nunnery but that would definitely not work as I am Muslim; I'm not supposed to enter a church and we are encouraged to procreate! (In the right manner, of course.)
So I'M SCREWED! (or will be.. HAHAHAHHA!!)

I'm okay really. Tired, but okay. I didn't mean to spam my own blog but I needed to vent to noone in particular. I was half expecting to be completely emotional (the bug's been going around apparently) and end up crying and feeling frustrated, but I was adamant not to bow down to my emotions -- so I end up feeling a little confused and numb. Odd.

I'm going to bed now. Hopefully I'll wake up late. Way later than usual.
edited on 6:16 AM.

It's you and a bus.

I am.. sitting at a bus stop with a destination in mind. Yes, I do know where I want to be by the end of the journey. Who I want to be with. But here I am.. at this bus stop. I'm watching a few busses pass by but they aren't going to the same direction as I am headed to, so here I still sit.

I'm looking at my watch, restless, of course. My father always taught me to appreciate time -- others' at least; just because I have time to spare, doesn't mean that others have too.
So I don't want to be late. But the seconds tick by and still no bus.

So I wait.. and wait.. and wait..
Good God, where is that damn bus??
Have I missed it somehow? Hadn't anyone told the bus driver that it is excruciating to wait? How torturous it is?

Here I am. At the bus stop. I know where I'll be if I could just get onto that bus. I know how this journey began, and I know how it would end. It's the middle that I'm having trouble with.. I need to find a way to clear out the clouds.
Please don't let me be too late.

Jimmy Gnecco feat. Brian May - Someone To Die For

You make me drop things
like all the plans I had for a life without you
Note that this entry is obviously a metaphor; I've always got on the first bus that came by because there is only THE ONE bus that passes my neighbourhood. hahahaha! It'd be silly to wait around and even I'm not that ridiculous.

And also for notes; I am so in love, it's not even funny.

Help?

I had an interesting conversation with Hafiz yesterday.
Perhaps we're not the best persons to talk to for each other -- we let each other wallow in our own sadness and depression.
note: I know I've been using the word "depression" quite freely in my blog but I am not clinically diagnosed, hence making the word's association with me pretty subjective.

I was telling him how "happy people" have started to annoy me. Well, I'm not annoyed per se but it gets a little tiring when you can no longer explain to them why you just feel as shitty as you do. Hafiz agreed by saying how it was tiring to be reminded of how happy he used to be.. how people keep telling him now that "only you can make yourself happy.." -- as if he isn't trying.

This must be one of the most repeated quotes I've ever put up on my blog.. despite itself being completely true, I also found that it is seriously flawed;

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.

Plato

I honestly wouldn't mind too much if this quote isn't embedded to my brain!
I believe that sometimes, their (everyone I meet) troubles are waaaaayy tinier than mine and Plato had the NERVE of mocking my battle.. my feelings. How could he!

It's sad, really.. to feel like you're blowing your problems out of proportion. (booo.) Everybody should get their chance of being nothing but melodramatic once in a while; even when it's a girl who bawls her eyes out for a broken fingernail. The thing people keep missing in these things are the person's psyche.

Imagine this girl.. who is physically beautiful as beautiful goes. Everybody knows it, and so does she. She knows she isn't smart.. a sense of humour that is barely there.. amazingly untalented and plain. She wishes to be smarter, or gifted in some way but all she had was her looks; she depended on that one sole fact that makes her the least bit special.
Then she broke her fingernail. Sure sure, a fingernail is a fingernail. But she counted on her looks to be PERFECT. It was the only perfection that she was granted with but now she is flawed. Even more flawed than everybody else..

So Plato wasn't being fair when he said those words.. it isn't fair that everytime I think about my troubles, I'd imagine someone out there is laughing about it. It isn't fair to tell Hafiz to get over his heartbreak. It isn't fair to make fun of me not knowing what to do with my life. We're trying our best not to seem too pathetic for you, so we'd appreciate it if you'd just let us wallow in our sadness for a little bit more.
We'll get over ourselves when we can.

Alanis Morisette - That I Would Be Good

Grrr.

It's good that I got angry.
The fact that I can still get angry and upset are good signs actually. Sure, being angry and frustrated and sad is tiring but as one of my favourite quotes go;

Desire is half of life, indifference is half of death

Kahlil Gibran

Sorry though. I feel bad that I am as unreasonable as I am.
I have no excuse. blah. Sometimes I just get really upset and I'm hoping for a little distraction but it never came. So I shut down.

The current politics in the country has been interesting. Funny, really. I've never been really vocal with my opinions in politics but most of my friends (if not all) know where I stand. haha! It's just amusing. As amusing as the news lately; I honestly can't help myself from making a sarcastic remark or laugh out loud everytime one of those politicians came on the telly.

I was talking to my dad yesterday. He was talking about dreams.. the "plan" kind of dreams. Made me feel a little more lost if that's even possible.
bah. Hafiz, I failed. (I told him I was trying to write an entry without sounding depressed, and he wished me luck. hahaha!)

I live for music.

I was bored.. and needed to feel a good, fresh music coursing through my body.
In the absence of inspiration, I turn to Stephenie Meyer's playlist and decided to go with the Breaking Dawn playlist. I wasn't disappointed when I heard this;

Blue October (feat. Imogen Heap) - Congratulations

If I was a moth.. sad songs such as this is the bright light that I am fatally attracted to.

I was playing a bit like a middle-man earlier. As I was having a rundown of it with Eeva, she said that I'd made the situation sounded funny. Well, here's the thing.. I laugh when I'm stressed. Okay, obviously I wasn't so stressed if I can still find something to laugh about. If I was really stressed, I would just panic and freak out!.. but eventually I'll laugh.
I don't know.. sometimes I need to laugh. Find the irony in things. It's the only way I know how to cope.. or I don't cope at all.

I'm still in Shah Alam by the way. haha! It's hilarious. I keep saying that I'm leaving and leaving but I'm still right here. ughh! Story of my life. I'm always on my way to somewhere but I am stuck at one place instead. Pathetic, right? Anyway, don't feel sorry for me. It's not what I want. I was just making a statement. I'm too good-humoured to be depressed today. hehe.
(Okay, I said good-humoured.. though I sound a little sombre. But that's just naturally me. heehee.)

Oh, hunny.. starting from this post.. this will be YOUR colour when I'm saying things directly to you. heehee. (Well, I'm gonna change the colours on those old entries too actually.)
This used to be the colour for any direct messages (for anyone in particular), but from now on it's going to be green!

And as for me living for music.. well, that's not entirely true.
I live for some other things too.. (but music is quite at the top of the list.)
Have a good Wednesday, everybody!

heeheee.

ughh.. I know I said I won't stay up so late but I was looking for the "right" song to signify the day.
Took me HOURSSS!! Even with the "help" of Eeva, TJ and Julie. (They didn't help much. I'm incapable of feeling for the songs they suggested since I didn't came up with them myself.)
And I can't help it.. though this one would be a little too lovey dovey to mark 5 months but I really don't care. I really thought of you the first time I heard this song a few days ago.
Too much? No? I hope it isn't too much.

Jason Mraz feat. Colby Caillat - Lucky

hmm..
Your speech earlier was really adorable even though you were talking about how you got irked. hahahaha!
gah.. My brain works so mysteriously.. just deal with it. (Although I haven't exactly accepted it myself.)

I should be going back to Seremban later today.. for about another week or so.. I don't know. Feels like the fasting month is passing by so fast.
It's been a rough week (mentally) so I'm absolutely giddy that I'm relatively normal again. (As normal as I can be, anyway.)

I will head to bed.

I lost my watch again.
It's annoying. I'm starting to think if I am just not meant to have it or there's an underlying meaning to why I keep losing it.
blah. I can't think of anymore places to look for it!

You know, a thought just came to my mind.. since I've always considered about getting a psych consult someday, how DO people get those anyway?
Go to the psychiatric ward and say, "Hello, I think I'm depressed." ??
hahhaha!!
Seriously, I can actually imagine myself saying that with a smile just so the person I'm talking to won't feel uncomfortable. hahha!

Okay. Going to bed now.

Let me out of here

Radiohead - No Surprises

I'll feel better soon, I promise.

So help me God..

Boyfie once said to me that "you don't need religion to tell you what's wrong and right" (I'm paraphrasing.. I don't remember his words exactly but that was basically it.)
He probably doesn't, but I do.
Oh, the things I would do if there aren't rules...

I'm depressed again. And it's not because my mind was going crazy.
If a breaking point is possible.. that was probably it.
Never have I felt the need to not be ME as strongly as I do right now. If my attitude had sucked so much, dear.. then it is best that I not be myself, no? I'd never imagined myself having to fake around the people who are supposed to be my own flesh and blood.. That was a bit like a slap in the face.
Ah well.. I'm always wrong about these things, I shouldn't be so surprised anymore.

Can't a plane crash right on top of me? At least that way it wouldn't exactly be my fault when I die.. even though I'd asked for it.

I am so upset.. I can't find anymore words.. I'm so sick of crying all the time.

Paramore - Conspiracy

I don't know...

I don't know what it is that I want.
It frustrates me.
I know something is not enough but I don't know what it is.
I WANT to know what it is so I can demand for it..

I want to demand for it to be fulfilled and be completely heartbroken over it when I don't get it.
I want to be miserable for not getting what I wanted.. and not because I didn't know what I wanted in the first place.
I want to stop feeling so damn lost.

You know what..
Right now.. all I want is for a week free of depression. It's not too much to ask, is it?

snore..

Be honest with me..
Aren't you tired of reading me rant about one thing or another, day after day?? Don't I sound like a broken record??
I think I do!
God, I'm tired of myself.
So I'm not gonna rant about things you won't understand tonight. I'm letting things go.. (well, theoretically.. if I don't write about it I won't remember it in the future. I'm counting on that anyway.)

Been playing Solitaire.
Interesting for the fact that it derives from the word solitary;
–adjective
1. alone; without companions; unattended
2. characterized by the absence of companions
3. being the only one

Funny. I'm surrounded by family and still feel alone. Pathetic.
Oops! I'm not ranting. Honestly, I think I'm just cranky 'coz I didn't get enough sleep. 3 hours is hardly enough.. I deserve a kick in the shin.

Is it just me or this sounds.. sad?
I think the title means "moonlight".

Claude Debussy - Clair De Lune

Better mood.

since the previous entry at least. hehe.

Papa just called.
It was nice talking to him. Maybe because it'd felt like he misses me. heehee. I'm lucky really..
I barely deserve the family that I have.

Something wrong with my psyche maybe.. sometimes I am just SO detached from the people who are actually closest to me.
I don't miss them half as much.

And that's why I am perfect to live in a different country!! HAHAHHA! I rarely get homesick.
I'm bored by the way, can you tell?

Like a haystack.

I woke up to a bunch of thoughts this morning.
Yes, I said morning.
I opened my eyes at half past seven (despite falling asleep a little after two) because it is SO bright outside. I swear it was like summer in Rotterdam -- warm, bright and absolutely annoying.

Oh.. my...
I just found my.. err.. first doomed ex-bf on Facebook. hahahha!! OMG. It's funny knowing that he still exists. I mean, it's good knowing that he still is.. but funny. And how I knew it WAS him was by looking at his birthdate! HAHAHHA! After all these years, I still remember his birthday. (Ah well.. I remember people's zodiac sign really.. and that led me to remember the dates.)
Blasts from the past are so funny sometimes.

uhh.. anyway. Morning. Thoughts.
I was thinking of what am I going to do with the rest of my life..
and I can't think of anything.
Horrible, right?
I wish somebody could just tell me what I should do.. but I'm not exactly the kind of person who would listen to what people tell me to do. I'm too hard headed for my own good, so that wouldn't work.
So what would?
What would? What would? What would?
I can't believe I've spent the past two years wasting away..

I am not a particularly ambitious person. Nor am I very competitive. I will be fine with what ever that I do as long as I'm passionate about it.. if it makes me happy. Seeing my family and friends having a goal of a sort.. I envy them.
I envy how rational they are to do the job that they hate but realizes how necessary it is to do them anyway. hahahha!
Is it growing up -- to let go of your secret wish.. your one true dream and join the mass of grown ups whom had decided to "suck it up" and LIVE?
mmph.. maybe I am simply a spoilt brat and a coward.

Nina wondered why I think the way I think again last night.
I was wondering about near-death experiences and I had none what so ever. Both of my sisters may not have had an actual "near-death" experience but both of them have been in accidents before. Me -- never; which led me to think that probably by the time I get into an accident, it won't just be a near-death experience.
I don't know.. it frustrates me to think that my time could be up at any single moment and yet I am not exactly living life as I feel I should be.

ughh.. I hate that I feel so LOST sometimes.
Can't things just click? Perhaps a stranger pointing towards a direction that would WORK.
I'm so so tired.. I wonder if there is anything I could do to dull my thoughts.
Took me 6 hours to type these out. HAHAHA! Pathetic.

Dishwalla - Home

In case you're wondering. It was my hair that had looked like a haystack when I woke up this morning. It was the first thing that I thought of when I saw myself in the mirror. Of course after I thought of those exact words, I remembered that it was exactly what Edward said in the morning after the first time he "officially" stayed the night at Bella's place. (Obviously a bit of the book is embedded to my brain now.)

What do you think of me now?

Revealing one of my "darkest" secrets always leave me giggling.
For one, despite them being mine, I feel so detached to them. They always sound like somebody else's story. Perhaps because they remind me too much of a Spanish telenovela.
The ones that are so badly made that you can't quite explain the reason why you're still watching them. All you can do really is hide the fact from everyone else that you've actually been following the show ever since episode one.

It's weird.. apart from giggling, I also feel a tad like a freak.
hmm.. I reckon I should feel a lot more than that.

Now, I just feel like noting down that I have some theme songs for my friends. Well, they're not exactly theme songs if they're based on their own preference, are they?
It's just when I listen to Greenday, I'll think of Bahijah.. Blink 182 reminds me of Dar.. blablablaa.
Bahijah and Ana wrote on my Facebook wall yesterday.. I miss those two girls. sigh. We have to meet up!! I took the liberty of checking the dates to when we last saw each other.. July 25th for Bahijah, August first for Ana, May 4th for Dar and Ablen..
The original members ought to get together sometime.. hehhe.

ughh.. I should go to sleep!!
(been listening to Vertical Horizon.. every one of their song that I have on my external hd..)
Funny.. if my mind aren't occupied with a single worry.. I can honestly say that I am happy. I haven't felt that way in a while..

Vertical Horizon - All Of You

yeech.

I must apologize.
I haven't got anything cheerful to share with any single soul, it's pathetic. I mean, poor Boyfie 'coz he kept having to listen to me rant every night (even when I said I didn't want to talk about it! hahahha!!)
Sorry. But thank youuuuu!

It's annoying when all I want to do is brood and no one had felt like leaving me alone.
I think Dida wants Nina to tell me something more than what she'd told me last night, but she's waiting for me to cool down after my reaction.
I honestly can't lie about my feelings.
I can't even fake with my voice.. and my face is a dead giveaway. gah! I need to practice my poker face.
Oh God, I hope they'll just let it go. How is the truth helping me, I don't know.. but if Nina starts, I shall tell her to let it go. I don't think I can handle knowing the reasons to why I didn't get that darn job -- unless she's going to tell me that I just "sucked", 'coz that -- believe it or not, I can handle.

On a different note, Nina said that she read somewhere that a diet of carbs will make you wrinkle more. How unattractive.. fat AND wrinkly??
But then she said that's why it's good to be fat; so you'll stretch those wrinkles and they'll be gone! hahahha!!

Anyway, there's a big chance that I'm going back Shah Alam next weekend. My mind is trying to work out some plan for it. Should I call my friends and make some plans or should I just spend time at home in front of MY computer and talk to my online buddies instead? hahahha!! (I can't believe I'm actually weighing those choices.)
hmm.. how should I spend two days and two nights..

I'm so sleepy right now..
Being mentally and emotionally stressed does not do good to the body.

eh..

I was woken up in an odd way today.
I heard my phone's message alert (note: I can't stand long message alerts. Mine sounds just like a "ding") and when I opened my eyes, I saw that it was the third text message from my dad.

bah.. he's gossipping with me now.

So I walked out of the bedroom and saw Nina was on the phone -- with Dida, naturally.
Seriously.. the things that is going on at home these days reminds me a bit of one of those Spanish telenovelas.

Anyway, I'm really hungry today. My stomach keeps grumbling.. and my neck aches.. and my left thumb is a bit sore after I got it stuck in an unlikely situation. (Some people are just oddly talented, don't you agree?) Oh, and I am also sleepy.
End rant.

Owww.

Still hurts.
The truth about truth; it hurts -- when it's something you don't want to hear, of course.
Nina reminded me of something last night. A tiny little detail about my childhood that I'd forgotten. Apparently I was not the only person who ever thought that I was lucky. (hmm.. perhaps that's the reason to why I feel that I was just that -- lucky)
So anyway, if luck is what I should be thankful for for all the good things that had ever happened to me, I must be running out of it then. Maybe I've overused it and now I've burnt out my luck. (This is the part when I freak out.)

Ignorance is bliss.. but it pains when you're self-deceived.
Maybe there's a bigger plan that God has in store for me. (Isn't it just WEIRD that I believe in God, yet talk about luck all the time?? hahaha!) Maybe I NEED to believe that there is a bigger plan. I'm trying not to believe that I am simply not good enough for something that I'd poured my heart into.

I got the email today.. the email that basically had said;
you're going nowhere.. na-na-na-na-na!
(well, they used appropriate words but that's how I read it.)
So I've been staring at different walls since this afternoon.. trying to figure out my next move. I must say that I HATE feeling stumped. Not that I'm an actual planner, but I like to have a general idea of what I'm going to do.. what I want to do. But these days.. these days I've been completely lost!
mmph! I'm so not good at not getting what I want.

Anyway, other than that, my day has been pretty much uneventful.. until Dida called Nina at 8 and talked about the gossip at home. HAHAHAH! Nina put her phone on speaker and that was hilarious.
It's Dida's first time being an "only child" at home and I suppose she can't play that part very well.. considering she had to call us whenever she has some new juicy gossip. (About our parents believe it or not! haha!) I swear I thought Dida's kind are chained away during this time of the year. HAHAHAHA!
sigh. The things I cannot say on a blog..

Anyway, I wasn't sure what brought the subject up, but after Dida's call, Nina and I were just sitting in the living room, talking (with Jasmin lounging on the couch listening. He's very quiet, that one) and at one point we were talking about who should be the more loving one.
I said to Nina that I'd rather be the one (who loves my partner more than he loves me) and she actually said DON'T. She said that I should find somebody who loves me more than I do.
err..
Well.. that sounds fine, really. But I can't help from feeling so.. selfish. Wouldn't I be selfish if let the man love me more than I love him? hmm..

Then I said with a laugh that I'm clear then, since perhaps I've found him, and Nina looked at me quite seriously and said, "have you?"
errr..
I hate that. Nina does that sometimes; trying to decipher the real meanings behind the things that I said with a laugh, and I was always caught off-guard. My automatic response was of course, "eh.. I don't know.." (how can you tell anyway!)

The thing about my sisters.. Nina never pries anything out of me. I know that she's curious.. so damn curious that she'd ask other people about me. Even though I never actually have a real bonding with her.. (we're 6 years apart and she'd never been at home much. She went to boarding school.. then university) I think she understands me well enough to not ask me really personal questions. I think she knows what I truly care about and that I don't like talking about them. (haha!)
She did ask me something earlier.. but it'd felt like she'd deliberately look away from my face -- and for that I am SO grateful. I honestly didn't want her to see my facial expression on the subject.
She's very.. perceptive. Always knows what to say. She's the eldest sister that is worth to look up to.. to be adored, truly.

Now, Dida is nowhere like Nina (and that's not necessarily a bad thing) although she's really annoying, to be truth. What ever things I told her would be passed on to Nina, naturally. (They're only a year apart and went to the same boarding school.. and university.) What ever things our parents told her would be passed on to both me and Nina, of course.
Basically I am a secret-keeper.. while Dida never grasped the idea of a secret.. and Nina reveals them selectively (depending on circumstances.)
hmm.. Now why am I telling you this??

crap. I really should go to sleep now.
hmm.. perhaps I should have a wee bit breakfast first.

Smash Mouth - You Are My Number One

*grins like a dork*

Matchbook Romance - Monsters

Okay, there's something about this song that just appeals to me.. psychologically even. hahaha!
(yes, I actually do feel like a monster sometimes. I hardly deserve half of the things I have. I'm incredibly lucky despite all the constant complaining and whinging.)

I am the monster underneath your bed,
believe what you read..

I swear.. how can anyone fall for me still boggles my mind. sigh.
Anyway.. I LOVE that song. That guitar bit was nice too.

If only I'd gotten on that flight and made it to the debs.
Chapter 6, Rosie Dunne by Cecelia Ahern

I can't help it. I had to stop reading after that line. I know I said I'd be able to handle love stories.. but that.. sheesh. That is a HORRIBLE story. gah! It's almost 3 years since I first read it, can't believe it still bugs me. I'll read it to the end eventually, but I bet I'll be just as bothered about the ending.

I've been thinking about soulmates since the past week.
I don't know what brought it on.. Boyfie doesn't believe in stuff like that so it was definitely NOT him who brought it up. But reading about Alex and Rosie again.. I shudder to think about having something like they have.
I'm not so sure if I want a soulmate if THAT's how it'll be like.
But being Muslim, I think I'm supposed to believe that somewhere out there in the vast world, someone was made to be right for me.. (err..) or maybe I was made exactly right for him.

I think it'd be nice if you get some sort of a sign when you meet your soulmate. An ache to your rib (err.. there's an explanation to this but it'll probably end up long and winded if I try to elaborate) or maybe something like imprinting. ha! (That's a Twilight reference by the way.. has nothing to do with the term "imprint" in publishing.)
Then again, it's probably a bad idea really.. I don't know...
Ah well.. a million questions and possibilities pops up in mind when I think about "soulmates". It's simply too abstract. Perhaps I should keep my rambling exclusively to my Moleskine.

I should go to bed.

Hello headache..

Nothing serious.
(Although I doubt I would tell you if it is.)

Pretty boring day.
Been listening to songs. Played some mindless games. Yapping to Nina. Staring at the kiddies.. very uneventful, I tell ya'.

I'm not gonna write an angry entry again tonight despite that's what I said I was going to do to the Boyfie earlier. I'm negative enough without having a proof of it so.. anyway.
I'm just exhausted truthfully. Trying to control my temper while I'm excruciatingly annoyed wears me out. Trying to find humour in things (so I won't cry) also kinda aches.

This song is just so fitting;

Three Days Grace - Animal I Have Become

Oh hun, I think I'll let you win tonight. Perhaps you do love me more, but don't let it in over your head.. I'm just saying that for tonight.
Thank you.

Midnight Sun.

Pathetic.
I can't stop thinking about it!
hahahha! man, I really do hope Stephenie Meyer will finish writing that book.

I asked the Boyfie last night if he'd read it yet and he said no. I wasn't expecting to be a little disappointed by that answer but honestly, it's not that important. I told him that and he easily said, "you wouldn't bring it up if it's not important."

errr..

Well.. so.. I came up with a theory for why I'm obsessed with the book. I mean, I have told you the reason for it but it's sort of making more sense now.. somehow.

Despite me disliking school (except for the part where it did not concern studying) I actually like learning very much. And maybe because I'm still trying to figure out my own psyche.. I sort of extended my curiosity towards other people's psyche as well.
I want to understand. I crave it.

So me, being a girl, can't help but wonder how a guy would think. About everyday life.. about love especially. (I am a girl after all..)
And perhaps that is also the reason why I keep hovering over guys' blogs. hahaha! They are the most interesting when they talk about their girlfriends.
Girls talking about their boyfriends are so typical. *points at self*

But really.. it needs to be a love love. One that is so full of hope. Unrequited love are painful to read, doesn't matter which side it's told from. (I would know, of course.)

And so, that is my excuse for not being able to stop myself from reading Midnight Sun again and again. It's really not that important. Just because it is significant to me, I don't think anyone should label it as "important" really :P

I'm currently listening to SM's Midnight Sun Playlist. I must say that I love the songs on it. Monsters by Matchbox Romance could be my favourite! hehe. The songs are definitely fitting with the whole mood of Midnight Sun. (for the part SM had shared on her website that is. The whole beginning of Edward and Bella..)

Perhaps I should try that.. have an actual playlist to set the mood when I write. Actually I have a couple of exercises that I should try during my so-called writer's block. (haha!) ughh.. I shouldn't laugh.
I should take myself seriously. *coughs*

Oh well.. anyway.. I kept listening to this all afternoon yesterday;

Rascal Flatts - Bless The Broken Road

Though I always wondered to myself if I'd done the right things when I did them.. I can't make myself to want to change my past for fear of changing my present. It's really not too bad.. how things are right now. I still have things to be grateful for, and I am. Thankful. So, bless the broken road! haha!

Bloody freakin' hell..

May I just say.. that tonight's entry wasn't meant to be written in such a sour note. I was honestly fine.. I was mentally stable.. emotionally fine -- until the Boyfie called.

And it wasn't even anything that he said that'd ticked me off!
It was the bloody damn connection that had just.. frustrated me so.. SO much.
You know.. this distance thing.. it makes every second spent precious. Even if all we ever did was talk, I'm taking what ever I can get.
But the stupid connection had hindered us from talking normally. I kept having to ask him to repeat what he'd just said and he would.. but even if he did.. his voice kept breaking out and I would have to ask him to repeat the same thing all over again.
It's FRUSTRATING!!!!

It's sad..
It's upsetting.. honestly.
I have no other word for it but upsetting.
It upsets me to be so irked by something and having no particular person to blame for it.

Anyway, first Ramadhan was fine..
Mama, Papa and Dida came for a visit. Actually made me feel a bit terrible for the first few hours but after a while I relaxed a bit. Found something to laugh about with everyone, I should be thankful for that.
But pshh.. I'm in such a foul mood right now. I'll write a better entry once I get over my frustration.

No, this is not interesting.

I honestly need to find something new to read.
Since I got to Seremban, (okay.. one week) I've only brought myself to (re)read Breaking Dawn. (yes yes, I should grow tired of it by now) I suppose.. until a particular book isn't embedded to my memory I wouldn't mind so much reading it over and over again.
I might reread Twilight tomorrow.. or Pride and Prejudice, I don't know. I know that I'll steer away from The Alchemist for now. Love stories, I can handle.. personal legend -- I don't think so.

btw.. I've brought more books than "outside"-clothes when I came here. I'm such a geek.

Nina's entire family is sort of down with a cough and flu thing. I'm somehow immune to it, naturally. It'd usually take a super-virus to knock me down, and when it does.. I'll bring everyone else down with me. HA HA HA HA!
Well, it's not intentional.. it's just how things are. sigh.

shoot! It's 3am and I've only been rambling.
It's ridiculous how happy you can make me feel, hun.
Ridiculously amazing, considering you don't have to do much at all.

Oh, to all Muslims.. Happy Ramadhan!!
Despite being caught off guard this year, (I've been.. pretty self-absorbed lately that my mom had to text me the niat puasa for me to realize that Ramadhan starts TODAY) I actually like Ramadhan. I'm not crazy about the Eid, but Ramadhan has always made me feel.. calm. (Probably from the lack of satans' whispers! hahahha!!)

Ouch.

Fact.
I don't handle rejections very well.
Correction: I don't handle rejections well at all! I am close to what you can call as a sore loser.

I honestly hate getting into something that I cannot win. Coming out empty handed does not do good to my pride/ego.
Wish I hadn't put as much thought on this but I'm undeniably bothered by it. What's worse.. admitting that I care this much is like giving an open invitation to a heavy-weight boxer to punch me square in the gut.
It's stupid.. painful and leaves you kneeling to the ground gasping for breath.

Anyway, I'm trying not to dwell on this. I hate to sound so.. ungrateful and dramatic. I should be thankful for the things I've gained. It's not as if I've been handed with misfortunes all my life.
I've been trying to tell myself that perfectness is not possible (so I wouldn't be hurt as if it was the first time I've been hurt) but I can't help but feel sad about it. How sad it is to seek perfection and never achieving them.
Must I be grateful for being miserable too?
sigh. Dear God, what are your plans for me? I can't help but wonder why am I here in the first place. Have I done anything right at all? Is "pure bliss" by any chance written in my future? How long must I wait for it?

hmm.. I don't think those are fair questions to ask God.
I doubt I've fought enough to earn my happiness anyway.
err..
I'd intended to write something semi-light believe it or not. haha!

Been spending my time reading Stephenie Meyer's leaked Midnight Sun. I must say I feel bad for reading them. As a writer's point of view.. it's really.. actually cruel to have your work released before you are ready for them to be released. I mean, it's hers to begin with..
I understand completely how broken-hearted she is about the whole thing.. that she's now releasing the part she'd wrote on her website even.. not knowing when it'll be completed.. or if it will even be completed.

I mean, really.. I get irked when somebody reads my Moleskine without my permission; and the things I wrote are not even worthy to be published.
I do hope she'll finish the book though. I will get a copy of it, since Twilight is my favourite in the series and having to know Edward's perspective of it is just.. so darn interesting.

I find myself squealing at certain parts.. getting a funny pang in my stomach by his thoughts. I suppose it's interesting.. learning the thoughts of a man in love.
Although it was written by a woman so I suppose I shouldn't take those too seriously.
I mentioned about this to the Boyfie last night.. I think I've forgotten half of the things he'd told me though. haha! Not because it was forgettable.. but because his thoughts are so.. fine with everything.
Fine with the distance.. mostly fine with the circumstances.. fine with me.

Which is why "Edward's" thoughts interests me!
The mess that is his head calms me ever so slightly.. somehow. hahaha! So anyway.. maybe that's my point in this entry.. I am.. a tad troubled, but calm.

Oh, and also, I'm wretchedly in love with you.
Midnight Sun by Stephenie Meyer.

I miss having happy thoughts.

It's been hot and sunny these days.
But I can't quite shake off the dark clouds that are hovering above my head.
Honest to God, it's tiring to brood over one thing or another all the time. I can't help but wonder how it feels like to NOT have something to think about all the time. Would it be bliss?
My problem when my mind actually quiets down is that I'd miss the voice. Suddenly losing something that you have had with you for all your life is bound to leave a big gap.

I am not me with the big gap.
But I am tired of being myself.
Can't I just forget all my thoughts and be FINE with it?
I want to rationalize my troubles as if it isn't mine to begin with. You all know how things are easier said than done.

I want to tell myself to forget and actually forget.
I want to heal myself from my mortal pain. (ha!)
I just.. want some peace of mind.

Forget that I'm aging.. forget that I haven't accomplished one single thing.. forget that I'm an awful waste of space who uses up the oxygen that I most probably do not deserve to breathe in.
I just feel bad for wasting so much time.. If I could give my years to one who is more deserving, I would. I would give five to a charitable man, five each to an old couple who still loves one another and ten to a kid who still has a lot to learn.
And should I only live to the age of 49, I shall be contented by the fact that I'd done this with my life.. ease up a bit of my pain from being everyone else's pain for almost 24 years.

mmph!

I'm miserable.. and upset..
so you better not expect me to be all dandy and cheery.
Unless you ask me to pretend that I'm fine and fake what I'm feeling, you better just take what ever I have to give.
I feel like tiny pins are pricking my heart and I haven't got the slightest idea how to make it stop -- other than not caring, that is.. but it is way too late.
To not care is no longer an option.

I blame you.
Of course.

How frustrating...
Everything is just frustrating.
The circumstances frustrates me.
I'm just frustrated.

sigh.

Wednesday.
mmph.
Maybe I should just take a knife and stab my heart straight.
(I'm counting on the fact that you have no idea what I am talking about. Just.. know that I am driving myself crazy again.)

In an attempt at moving on..
I want to write.
But I don't know what about.
My need to preserve myself and my want to share is clashing inside of me. Annoying, really.

hmm.. I need to distract myself from thinking altogether.
But the thing about doing house chores.. it keeps your hands busy, but they are so mundane that your thoughts run away the moment you start doing them.

And about distance.. I think it's making me even more mushy. Really annoying.
Aaack! 4pm.. I should go do the dishes -- I shall brace myself from those unwanted thoughts now.

Frank Sinatra - Fly Me To The Moon

I think I'm worried..

but then again, when am I not?

I don't know what to write. Feels like I should let go of my worries.. talk about it, maybe I'll ease up a bit instead of staring into space.
But I don't like talking about it!
grr.
I just.. hate talking about my failures.
gah, I'm so insecure, it's pathetic.

I'm shutting up now.

damn it's hot in Seremban!!
oh, I picked up Aqilah for the first time today. err.. I have no comment.

Goodbye weekend!!

So glad it's Monday.. somehow.
The busy weekend is finally over and today is Sylly's birthdayy!!

Happy Birthday Hunnyyy!!
Love you! ♥

Currently at Nina's place.. I can't help but wonder if I am to spend the next two months here. Not that I mind, (except maybe the incredibly sluggish internet connection) but I really can't help wondering..
What ever it is, no regrets!
I really did have fun meeting new people in the past two days.

Friends for the day: Zura, Ela, Nazir and Edwin. Neat people. Zura was really pretty, Ela was amazingly enlightening, Nazir reminds me of somebody I used to know in college, Edwin was such a hippie! hahaha!

Gotta go to bed real soon. So SO tired from waking up so early in the morning -- it's almost like a culture shock. hahahha!
Have a good week, everyone.

ps: I got my period.. once things were over, and I was calm.. hmm.. funny hormones.

More than I can chew.

Super pooped.
I'm breaking down from having my mind being on overdrive.. constantly.

So here's the story of my life.. 85% of it, I spend it on a lull -- when things are quiet.. nothing ever happens, no matter how hard I pray for something to happen.. no place to go, nobody to see.. Just 85% of my life wasting away, filled by excruciating boredom. Then there's the 15%.. that usually comes in a series of unstoppable busy-ness.. when I freak out at the thought of having to breathe 'coz THERE IS NO TIME FOR THAT, DAMMITTT!!
SO many things to do.. SO many people to see.. TOO many places to go to.. LOADS of things to think about (more than usual.)

Started off last night when I went out with my sis to karaoke with her friends. I could've skipped that since I have a thing to attend to in the morning, but noooo! I had to go with her. I can't stop myself from being me, it's stupid.

Now lets move on to something that I can't possibly complain about;
I made a couple of friends today. "Friends for the day", I should call them.

just the sides of their faces.. I don't reckon they would want their face on some random blog. hahaha!
Honest to God I really enjoyed making friends for the day. Must be one of the coolest things in existence. Tyler, if you found this blog somehow, thank you for sitting at my table. hehe. (psh!) Continue study, then *Langkawi!!* hahahhahaha!
I'm gonna see Inas again tomorrow (in the morning) though so anyway. I'm pretending to be oh-so cool now. psh, I don't need this.

The wait was mind-numbing, (yet heart-thumping) but spending them with two Water-bearers and a Bull was not bad at all. I rather enjoyed it actually.


Dida picked me up afterwards (I changed clothes in the car. haha!) and we headed to the National Stadium to catch the Malaysia Cup final -- which Kedah won against Selangor (yea yea..) by 3 - 2. But I must note that I was impressed by the Selangor fans. Our cheer was way louder than Kedah even though they'd filled half of their share of the stadium while we had SO many seats left. And, our Mexican wave is better.. and also our drums! hahahaha! duude.. we pioneered those, any other teams' would be a poor imitation in comparison to ours. muahahha!
I love those drum players.. even though never once in my life I saw where they're at.

Random note: Our Raja Muda is hot. Really.

Okay. I am going to just head to bed now, not even bothering to wash my face and panic about things I haven't done yet in the morning. All I wanna do right now is curl up in my bed, talk to the boyfie, probably end up crying a little from being SO damn tired and fall asleep.
Sounds like a plan!

damn bloody nerves.

I am a nervous wreck.
Dida said that I don't have the right mind.
I think too much. Too hard on myself.
She said if I don't stop criticizing myself, how am I going to raise my self-esteem.
Well, excuse me for being realistic.

I.. am.. just.. so irritated right now.
I want to stop worrying, but I can't. I want to get it over with but I want to be ready.. not hastily end it for the sake of ending it.
Anyway, I'm tired of thinking.. and being annoyed.

My period's late so I'm really irritable. Not that it's a cause for concern (to any of you who are reading this,) but now I'm worrying about WHEN will it finally come. Stupid hormones.. why does it have to be governed by my emotions too. grr.
I bet it'll come when I least expect it just so the universe will have something new to laugh about me.
dammit.

Maybe there is no reason to worry.. I mean, I don't exactly have anything to lose, do I?
blah.
I should settle some things before I head to bed.

Is it just me..

or this song actually sounds really sexy?

Cassie - Me & You

Ladies and gentlemen!.. Finally!

hahaha! No, I didn't finally have a drink.
That just happens to be the ad on the coaster. *sigh* And apparently I'm advertising it on my blog for free.. psh! (To be honest, I like Heineken better -- the ads I mean. Plus, they're Dutch! woot!)

Anyway.. after WEEKS of talking about it.. I finally got to eat these..
woohooo!
Triple Play! hahahha! It's not really hard to get it actually.. just.. me and Dida lack the patience, waiting around for a table. Chilli's is always so packed but because we've been there twice before, (but ended up in San Fran because we hated waiting) we decided to wait it out this time around.

wee~ Molten Chocolate Cake!! I was so full when this arrived but heehee.. ♥
Now.. I could say that I can die happy but I'd be lying. hehhe. I have a couple of things I must do first so.. NO DYING for me.. yet. (please.)
Anyway, I'm running out of things to write.

Oh! I had an odd dream early this morning. Kinda bugged me.. a little. If my subconcious is trying to tell me something.. well.. I think I'm worried...? Well, not too worried since the way I reacted in my dream was exactly the way I would react in real life.. just.. gah! Something about it just bugs me.

Okay, never been a fan of Mary J. Blige but I really like this song of hers;

Mary J Blige - Be Without You

Can't stand the state that I'm in.

Maybe I shouldn't be listening to sad songs.
Maybe maybe maybe..

mm.. I'm not exactly.. depressed or anything. It's more like.. I don't know what to feel. I'm upset because it's irrational. Of course you're not supposed to be able to make sense of love but THAT just IRKS me!!
The fact that I understand a certain thing but I'm acting as if I don't.. and I can't even control my reactions! Just.. irritating. So so irritating.

"Isn't it supposed to be like this?" He smiled. "The glory of first love, and all that. It's incredible, isn't it, the difference between reading about something, seeing it in the pictures, and experiencing it?"

"Very different," I agreed. "More forceful than I'd imagined."
Chapter 14, Twilight by Stephenie Meyer

Dammit.
Pushy.. pushy love. grr.

Brandi Carlile - What Can I Say

pshh. Let's pretend that I'm over that. I got this notification in my inbox today;
shawnjohnson (shawnjohnson) is now following your updates on Twitter.
Funny stuff. Considering the real Shawn Johnson is the Olympics medalist in gymnastic artistic. Oh yes, I know that because gymnastics and volleyball are pretty much the only Olympic events that I watch.
Kinda neat actually.. since I like her better than Nastia Liukin. Shawn Johnson smiles more. hahhaha!

So I missed the Canadian Team show on MIFC tonight. Dida's out with a friend so I'm stuck at home. Well.. not stuck per se. I just rather go with her than listen to her suggestions.. she had listed a few of my guy friends that I could "use" to bring me to the show. Horrible.
But the funny thing is.. the moment she said "I know who you could use!".. I'd think of a name and she would say the same name! HAHAHHA! Three freakin' times!! Oh God, I'm evil..
So anyway.. that's why I didn't call anyone anyway. I always end up feeling bad after I take-take-take; not worth it. But I do hope that Canada didn't do anything spectacular. That'll be a tad upsetting.

oh. Here's something weird. I did a search on my name in Twitter and apparently I don't exist. It only listed fourteen "wani(e)" and I wasn't among them. hmm.. I don't know how I feel about that. Good that I have my privacy? Bad because I don't exist? *sigh*

mm.. okay. That's it for tonight.
I need to find something relaxing to do.. cast my frustration and worry away. Far.. far away.

I cannot be without you,

matter of fact.

Here's my heart, you can have it.
(Well, it's already yours.)
I'd rather you not break it,
but if you must.. then I'll deal.

I'm on your back..

Edward Cullen or Mr. Darcy?

To be honest, I was thinking of the Boyfie when I ask myself this. I know, I know.. it's probably too much and over the top to be comparing him to the most prominent characters from all the books that I've read.
Sure sure there's the boy wizard but he isn't exactly the boyfriend type, is he? What with the angst and the fact that some dark wizard tries to kill him every year. Also, I don't think having Hermione around would be good for my ego, so no no to Harry. And there's Morrie.. and Ian.. but gosh, they are so.. unreachable in a sense. Their optimism would probably make me cry at the end of the day. Then there's Langdon but uh.. really, I don't think we'd get along that well. I'd eventually think of him as boring and he'd lose patience over my frivolity.

So I ended up with two finalists.. Edward from the Twilight series and Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice. heehee.
See.. I told the Boyfie that he reminded me of Darcy because Nikki (our mutual friend online) kept telling everyone that Edward reminded her of my Boyfie. gah! Of course I'd thought of that when I first read Twilight -- the times I laughed because Edward said something that the Boyfie had once said to me.
but but.. he's MY Boyfie.. why does she kept telling people that. mmph! Honestly, I'd rather not have her think of Syl everytime she reads "Edward". blah. And now when I read about Edward, I'd think of how it reminds Nikki of MY boyfriend. grr. Kinda spoils my reading experience.
note: I have no problem with Nikki really. She's really nice and generally likeable. I'm just ME. (It's not her, it's me.. hahahha!!) It's not jealousy in the typical sense. At least not to me :P

Like I said though, you do kinda remind me of Mr. Darcy, hun; how persistent you can be sometimes.. how badly you fail at brooding 'coz you always end up telling me how you really feel.. and especially how anti-social you can be that everyone else has no idea how you really are. Yet you let me in.. heehee. Lucky me!
That pretty much describes Edward too but he's mastered the art of brooding, he lies.. and most of all, he's a vampire. hahahha! I don't think the Boyfie is a vampire, so..

But really.. I'm not exactly Elizabeth Bennet. Our similarities are limited to the fact that we love our dads more than we love our moms, we love reading, fail at painting and a pretty lousy musician. Okay, probably it's safe to say that we have similar sense of humour too.
And nor am I Bella Swan.. we bruise ourselves more than normal people but I'm slightly more coordinated in sports (at least I think I am.) But I can't cook.. or drive. sigh.
So I'm not exactly worthy for an 'Edward Cullen' or a 'Mr. Darcy' am I?

Actually it's quite embarassing to be writing about this but I still want to run my thoughts through somewhere.. but enough of that. The fact that I'm just ME is a wee bit depressing. Why do I even think of these stuff anyway? sheesh.

Brandi Carlile - Closer To You

Super annoying busy body.

Ok sweetums. U have fun k? Miss u always... *muah*
18-Aug-08 12:27

You are so incredibly annoying.
The funny thing was.. while you were gone, Lin asked me "is he always as annoying?" HAHAHHAHA! I swear, that remark kinda made my day.

So Rai called me earlier and asked me to come accompany him in MidValley while his mom and grandma shop. Despite the fact that I went to bed at 6am I honestly couldn't leave him alone. Really, it's these stupid little things that I'm best at; stupid things that made me validate myself as a "friend in need" (since I'm pretty lousy in the other areas). bwahahaha!

I was thinking.. I have a VERY good reason for not getting you anything for your birthday.. Pet, you have free pass to annoy me for the rest of my life! What more do you want??!

Happy belated birthday anyway.. :P

Hey ho!

he he he he
Turns out I get to spend another week at home.
Jasmin gets to stay home for another week 'coz apparently it's the school holidays next week. So Nina will have company during the weekday; and I'll get to stay at home until next weekend! yayyyy!!


Last night was the second fireworks show of MIFC in Putrajaya. It was the China's team and I thought theirs was entertaining. A wee bit better than Malaysia's but it wasn't too impressive in comparison. A bit slow, in a way.
This time me and Dida had brought along our mom -- because we'd brought the kiddies along too. haha. Those two were.. LOUD! Shouting every colours that came out in the sky! hahaha. Hilarious, if you weren't related to them. hahahahha!

We'd thought that the show would begin at 9:30 but nooooo.. it started at 10:00! grr.. I honestly hate the MIFC website. For one, it has a hideous layout! Two, they don't update the schedule as frequently/immediately as they should. Horrible people!

As we were waiting.. I took a pic of the full moon. blah. I was bored.


Looking forward to tomorrow's volleyball event on the Olympics! Men's Team Russia!! woot!! I've taken a liking to Yury Berezhko.. 6'6".. my age! ha-ha-ha! I like him for his skills.. but he's kinda cute too. hehe.

I probably should plan something in celebration of my extra week at home. hmm.. Azraaaaiiii!!!

zzz

(something I picked up from the boyfie.. haha!)

Anyway,
Good Morning, Wanie!
You have 9 unread messages in your Inbox
gah! If only they'd been love letters.. or at least emails from my actual friends. Instead, 5 of them were notifications, 2 were something that I subscribed to (one of those is the RedView. hehhe), one was from a random blogger that I've talked to previously and another was a sneaky spam that had somehow managed to creep into the inbox. I opened it, naturally bowing to my curiosity. It went.. yada yada bla blaa Jesus Christ.. NU UHH!! I don't think I'll read it any further, thanks!

So..
I was rereading Breaking Dawn earlier.. interestingly at the part where Bella and Edward was in Isle Esme *coughs*, when the boyfie called in his groggy voice just to wish me something before he goes back to sleep. I could barely hear him with the hurricane of a sound that came from his fan; took me a second to make out his words and when I did, I got kinda giddy. heehee. ♥

Guess today's date kinda slipped my mind since all I've been thinking about is the fact that it's Saturday. I'm worried.. and a bit heavy hearted since I'm leaving for Nina's place later today. I'm trying to mend my sorrows by eating some cookies now.

Dida brought 400 grams of Famous Amos cookies when she got home earlier. 200 of choc-chip no nut and 200 of choc-chip with pecans. Sugaaaaaaaaa~!! ♥ I doubt she'd let me finish those but at least my heart is mending.. a little.
I still want Triple Play and Molten Chocolate Cake though.
I wonder if I should spend my birthday at Chilli's or San Fran. hmm.. tough call. Free cake with (an unpreferable) 15-seconds of fame or free drink with a serenade by people who practically knows you?
err.. I think I'll actually cry if I have to wait 'til my birthday to get that damn chocolate cake. Why the HECK am I thinking about my birthday NOW! sheesh!

Moving on, I injured both of my hands yesterday. The right during late last night.. when I tried to unscrew an incredibly stubborn bottle cap. I was cursing SO MUCH! Almost cried even!! hahaha! I mean, the cap just won't budge and I was too stubborn to leave it alone. The ending to this story; I have a teeeny tiny cut in my palm (caused by friction) that stings everytime I unscrew/twist anything with my right hand. And as for that damn bottle, I drank every drop of its content before I flung it to the bin! MUAHAHAHA!
The left happened in the afternoon; I was sitting in an awkward position on a stool and when I got wobbly, I stopped myself from falling over with my left hand. Don't ask me how, but it seemed like I had focused the weight of my torso on my very thumb. I know.. stupid and odd.. I heard the joint from my palm to my thumb click. It's fine though.. I can still wiggle my thumb. hehe.

Okay. That's about it.
I should probably head to bed. Bored. blah.

Sorry, Pet :(

Went to watch the first semi-final Super League with Dida last night. Selangor vs. Johor FC. It was pretty boring. haha. Selangor scored at the 18th minute-- then nothing! I was restless for the next 70 minutes and then the second goal at 90+th minute!
I must say that it was a nice ending though.
The celebration went on like we'd won the cup!..weird people.
But nice. heh.

Earlier yesterday, I tried the new burger in McD; Big and Tasty. The name is kinda hilarious. Maybe they ran out of smart names.. I thought it tasted like the Quarter Pounder but less.. spicy somehow. Not that the QP is spicy, but B&T was.. mild, in a way.
Anyway, I liked it. Glad I tried it. I feel bad for not trying the MegaMac when they had it. Not that I'm a fan of BigMac or anything but I told Dida that MegaMac was like.. one of the things you have to do before you die. hahaha! "Conquer MegaMac". gah! Dida reckon that the MegaMac was only around for the EURO Cup. mmph.. I wonder if it'll make another appearance in the future. I shall conquer it!! yosh!

Now talking about food -- I shouldn't be talking about it.
I'm fasting today.. less than 3 hours to go before I can break-fast! woot! Nothing to look forward to, really.. I'm not sure that I'll get to break-fast with any proper food since everyone's so busy lately.
Wish I could have Triple Play and Molten Chocolate Cake before I go to Seremban.. but it seems unlikely. I have to stop hoping before I get depressed now.

Azraai, sorry I refused to go out today. Bad timing dude. Should've told me last night if you'd wanted to go out. No way I'd say yes to an afternoon of watching you eat. grr. And next week I'll be in Seremban.. starting Saturday really.. KIDNAP ME PLEAAAASE!!!!

I still like this song;

Weezer - I Just Threw Out The Love Of My Dreams

mmph..

Weird.
Been thinking about Europe lately.
Maybe because I've been sitting at home for too long.
Also maybe because my sense of smell was working pretty odd last week. I was with my dad in A&W one night, and as we were just talking about the annoying songs that are somehow just stuck in your head for an entire day.. I smelled something that brought my mind to Netherlands. It was as if I was back in Dida's place again. The house we lived in had a distinct smell. It wasn't like a perfume or anything.. it smelled like.. cleaning products (haha!) but it wasn't unpleasant.

The smell kind of wafted twice. Twice I frowned 'cause I didn't know where it came from. I was eating a coney dog and that was definitely not the source of the smell. The place itself had a different kind of smell. When I tried to find that familiar smell again, it was nowhere. As if it was only there to tease my memory. sigh.

So I'd spent my afternoon looking at our old travel pictures. One made me chuckle. It was a pic of Dida sleeping in the train on our way back to Rotterdam Centraal after the boat ride from UK. (I think!) I remembered the lady who was sitting next to her scooted away when I picked up the camera. She grinned after I snapped the picture. hehe.

I miss those. Those quick connections you make with a stranger. I also miss trains.. and trams.. Beurs, H&M, Albert Heijn, Johma's crab salade, Blue Ribbon white breads.. the chilling wind that made my bones shiver once I stepped out of the Metro station.. Belgian waffles.. the annoying beeps that the traffic lights made when it's okay for pedestrians to cross the road..
mmph. I should go out more. I don't reckon it's healthy to miss something in the past.. especially since my present isn't so bad and there are things to look forward to in the future.

For reference: Dida's album of her place in Rotterdam on Facebook.

Sleepy!!!

The Malaysian International Fireworks Competition began last night and it'd started off with the Malaysian Team (naturally). It wasn't as impressive as last year's performance by the Italian or Japanese team, but fireworks.. I love!

I saw a show on the Discovery Channel once.. it explained why we (humans) like watching fireworks. Apparently our brains register that fireworks are dangerous but they are in a controlled environment; safe. Basically we are all actually adrenaline junkies, just that most of us are not into endangering ourselves to pick up an extreme sport.
umm.. I'm pretty sure that the real explanation is very scientific but that's about the only thing I remember about the show really. "Basically". hahaha!

Quote of the day:
"Akhirnye.. Jasmin telah dijinakkan."
-- Dida
(in reference to the fact that Aqilah is fairer than her sisters.)

Dumb like that.

mmph. I'm having a random pang in my heart.
Must be that time of the month again. I noticed recently that I do get mood swings when I'm PMSing. Only difference between me and most women is that my mood swings from happy to sad/depressed while they get from happy to extremely irritable. I'm not sure if I'd prefer jumping on anyone's throat because of the hormones but I don't like feeling like rubbish either. hmm.. I don't know.

hap·py [hap-ee]
1. delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing: to be happy to see a person.
2. characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy: a happy mood; a happy frame of mind.
3. favored by fortune; fortunate or lucky: a happy, fruitful land.
4. apt or felicitous, as actions, utterances, or ideas.

So I've been thinking about that since Sunday. I blame Dida, Kak Shida and Su for taking away my peace of mind. (haha! Like that's even possible -- you can't lose what you never had.)
They asked me, what makes me happy.
It was daunting to have three pairs of eyes staring at you when you have no definitive answer. My eyes darted from each of their faces as my mouth opens and closes in panic.

What makes me happy?
What makes Wanie happy?
I honestly don't know.. it should be easy to answer but I really don't know.
Funny.. here's a lame confession; ever since 2005, when I see "the first star" I see at night, I'd wish for "happiness". Well, I was depressed then and general happiness had sounded like a good enough wish.
But now seems to be the perfect time to focus on the specifics -- on what makes me happy.. of what will KEEP me happy.
Damn, bloody freakin' mind. Why does it have to think about these dumb questions.

I was re-reading my result to one of those personality tests on Facebook; the one that tells me that I'm an INFP, an Idealist.

Quiet, reflective, and idealistic. Interested in serving humanity. Well-developed value system, which they strive to live in accordance with. Extremely loyal. Adaptable and laid-back unless a strongly-held value is threatened. Usually talented writers. Mentally quick, and able to see possibilities. Interested in understanding and helping people.

Bloody hell, I want to scream!!!
Oh, according to my personal DNA, my confidence level is 4 out of 100. hahahhaha! I hate that my score was so pathetic but I can't complain.. I doubt that I can do better.. HAHAHHAHAHA!! Stupid self-doubt.

Generous Experiencer

I can't help but feel that I over-think things.. over-feel things. I should over-drink.
mmph. I just.. I just want to stop feeling so lost and incomplete. I want to be able to plan for the future and not fear it. I want.. assurance.. that the things I touch won't be doomed to crumble.
hmm.. why do I even feel this way anyway? God, I have no idea... please make me understand!

baby talk.

Nina gave birth to a baby girl yesterday afternoon.. (surprise, surprise..)
The kiddies; Izzati and Farhana chose the name Arifah Aqilah for the tiny one. Everyone sort of agreed that she looks like Nina! Uh, she's.. fairer than her sisters, but really.. she does have some resemblance to some of Nina's baby pictures.


I hate how babies make me feel. Note: I don't hate THEM.. and okay, "hate" is such a strong word. Let's say that babies make me uncomfortable then. I'm sure that's not what they'd wanted to make me feel but I do anyway. Mainly because my maternal instinct is pretty much non existent.
I always end up staring at the kid with furrowed brows, trying to understand their blabber and why they do the things that they do. Of course, it's just frustrating 'cause nothing makes sense. Babies.. are a complete mystery to me.

Then Nina wants me to come over and stay at her place, take care of her (better her than the baby..) and keep her company for a month.. or two. hmm.. two months in Seremban, we'll see how that'll turn out. She'd asked me to come weeks ago and I'd took the longest time to reply; until she said that I owed her for all the diapers she'd changed when I was a baby -- GREAT! Way to go and make me feel guilty for being a baby once upon a time.

I don't really mind staying with Nina.. we could talk about a lot of things. Spending time with her would be wonderful! Except the part where I'm supposed to "take care" of her. I almost cried at the hospital earlier 'cause I was hit by a panic attack. Dida expects me to intuitively know Nina's needs as she did when she took care of Nina when Izzati was born. But really, this is the time I would point my index finger to my face and scream, "YOUNGEST CHIIIILLLD!!!!" It probably doesn't sound like an acceptable reason but really.. I was never exposed to enough babies to have that caring sense developed!! I am cold! I push people away! I keep to myself. Hello??!
AAAAACCCCKKKKKK!!!
Panic mode again!

This blows. This really really blows.
I bet I'm going to cry a lot when I'm in Seremban. At nights most probably, after a full day of staring at Nina's tried-to-seem-non-judgmental-but-failed brown eyes.
ughh.. I'm a sad excuse of a human being. I'm such a horrible sister.. seriously, God shouldn't have played me this way. Making my family take responsibility of this burden is just cruel..

Dammit. This had seemed like a pretty bad week eh?
blah. I need to get to bed.