Tired.

There comes a time when you can do nothing else but sit down and feel sad from tiredness.
Tired from work.
Tired from emotional stress for just having the same old arguments.. yet again.
Tired from not sleeping in your own bed for the past three nights.. (Not counting tonight as I am still in BKI.)

I am having one of the best times on this trip though. I have the wackiest set crew I've ever flown with, it's just awesome -- work trip wise.


But the sectors are crazy.
I can't wait to be home.
I'm already planning for the weekends.. (waxing on Saturday and F1 on Sunday? yippee!) I need to coax my sister into joining me for that Saturday thing though.

Emotional wise though.. I am starting to feel like I am not worth the fight again.
Seems like all the boys that had ever wanted me just didn't want me enough to fight for me.
Whenever an IDEA of another guy comes into the picture, they would.. be FINE with it if the man could make me happy. It's a stupid excuse, really. They'd be upset, yes. But never upset enough to throw a tantrum or be mad with the passion to make me stay.

Just note, boys. Girls wants to feel wanted.
That's why we like the 'big gestures'. We need to know just how badly you guys wanted us. Not need us, but a big.. desperate.. WANT. (Because to 'need' means that you have no choice but to have it. To 'want' would mean that you CHOOSE something over the other. That's how I see it anyway.)

To quote Cheryl Cole; "if it's worth having, it's worth fighting for."
I am fighting for my freakin' life every single day (except for the moments when I light up a cigarette though. haha!) but benda bangang macam ni always makes me feel like NOTHING is ever worth it.
No point to life, you know.

Or perhaps I am just not bright enough to shine in your spaces..

Hello, KCH..

So we meet again.

The last time I was here (the crew room), I was shouting like a mad woman to Huda and Jeffrey about the crazy tag-team thing they had going on while playing Monopoly.
That was fun.

Anyway, today's the first day of my 5-days trip. Three nights in Kuching, the final night in Kota Kinabalu. Crazy sectors are coming up so I better not let myself stay up way past midnight.

I was reading Coelho's Like The Flowing River on the way up here and one of his little thoughts/stories caught my attention like it had been the first time I read it. (I tend to forget things..)
I should read that bit more often.
Perhaps I'll share it with you in my next post. (Maybe tomorrow.. just maybe.)

Boyfriend is in CGK and naturally, no text.
I'd love nothing more than to text him first had he been the kind of person who would actually reply them, but he's not. Not when I expect him to anyway, so I choose not to text him at all -- until he does.

Sometimes I feel like I'm having a conditional love.
I've set rules of things not to do with him.
I don't feel that it's right but it's self-preservation, really.
I'm simply trying not to feel like I'm having an unrequited love instead.
I know.. I get too sensitive and emotional sometimes. But that's just how I feel.
To love a person so much that you don't know how to love them any less.
I don't want to get burned when my heart is as full.

Not that I forget or didn't notice the little things he does for me; supper way past midnight, tending to me when I'm feeling under the weather..
Those were never "little" to me, really.
But you know how we, human, gets. Despite the ability to observe and absorb everything, we only see what we want to see.
And while we are apart from each other.. My brain can't focus on anything else than;
NO TEXT!

So yesterday I had a rendezvous with Ablen and Ana. Bahijah and Dar were a no-show. I don't know how I feel about that but I'm not going to bother myself with that.. for now. heh.
But seeing my old friends again was nice. We agreed that the last time we all hung out were about two years ago. TWO freakin' YEARS!! Took us a while to warm up to each other though, which I thought was funny. A tad awkward and you just don't know what exactly to say to the other two persons.
Kinda like a first date!
Anyway, it turned out alright and I had a good time.
It was good seeing you both, Ablen and Ana! ♥ Yet another all-Sags day out, yeah?

Alright. Lets hope that I'll have a nice work-trip, yeah?
One without excessive spending, hopefully.
I keep having these urges to spend, spend and spend and I can't help wondering if my subconscious is actually trying to tell me something, rather than some typical excuse that I tell myself to make myself feel better about spending. hahahhaha!

Have a good week, dear readers!
I'll be back in town come Friday.

Secrets secrets..

..are no fun
Secrets secrets hurt someone..

Yeah.
So.
I've been feeling lousy lately mostly because of that. Not that somebody has been keeping secrets from me, but I was the one whose been keeping a secret from someone.
You see, I don't like lying. I don't like acting like nothing happened. Suppose I could, but pretending to be fine when I'm not.. to a loved one, doesn't seem like how I want to spend my life.
After all, you're supposed to be able to be yourself with the people whom you love and claims to love you. So what if I've been acting like a lunatic! YOU'RE the one who wants to be with me, so suck it! heehee.
So after four miserable days.. I am finally feeling like myself. More like myself, anyway. Can't help feeling like I still have my guard up somehow.

I have no idea what's up with "love".
Or maybe it's just me. My expectations of love, perhaps.

Anyway, I should be heading home soon.
Currently I am in Starbucks KLCC.. just did my social duty as a money-earner by shopping semi-unnecessarily. Yeah. Try and make sense of that.
I should be saving up as I am planning to move out from my current apartment. Just a few things that I am no longer keen about the place. Bestie said he'd join me while Boyfriend is going to stay with his mom.

I don't know what's going to happen in the future. Everytime I think about it, I get my guard up so high that I might as well build a wall. I just hate the idea of being apart. He said that we'll be fine, but he is SUCH a positive thinker I could just smack him in the head and he'd probably think that it was out of love.

Okay. My battery's dying so I better hit the publish button now.
'Til next time.

So..

I'm not exactly in the best mood still, but this was the highlight of my weekend;


Thank God for sisters.

Yeah, I'm neurotic.

I don't necessarily say the nicest things.. especially when I'm mad.
But am I sorry for them? Not really.
I am most honest when I'm angry so, there is no way sugarcoating it.
So I'm crazy.
Apparently we're all crazy, according to Coelho. (Recent read: Veronika Decides To Die.) Crazy is good anyway. At least I know I'm not pretending or living a lie. And I refuse to act as if nothing happened because I care too much.
But I guess I'm still a little angry to talk or write about it.
So I'm bitter.. and being a little cold along the way.
Whatever.

I'm absolutely tired, to be honest.
Between my work and the emotional distress. ughhh!
My plane touched down at 1950 and I got home at 2120. Then what did I do? I ran around my room looking for things to pack in my bag and took a quick shower because Dida was coming to pick me up so we could go to Nina's place in Seremban; which is where I am now.
sigh.

I should stop running one of these days.
I can't be running away whenever something upsets me. But I can't help myself. Talking.. explaining myself would usually make me cry and I've grown weary of crying all the time. So I opted out to not talk at all.
ughh!
Hello. I am the Princess of Darkness. My hobbies are reading, writing, and walking into the dark clouds where there is nothing but the cold, merciless rain.

You know what, I'm not going to write about this anymore.
I refuse to write when I am this upset. I thought that I was fine.. but I was never fine to begin with. So..
'Til I'm happy again then.

Of expectations..

Have you seen Did You Hear About The Morgans?
There was this one part when they mentioned about how perhaps they could expect less of their partner and they'd be okay..

Perhaps.
In my case, I keep hoping that I would have no expectations at all. Expectations disappoints you. Disappoints me everytime.
But sometimes you just feel or think in some way that you didn't even know that you were having an EXPECTATION towards something.. and when you finally realize what it actually was, you were already disappointed.
But that is just too late. There is no turning point. You can't readjust your thoughts or feelings because.. it is just too late.
Disappointment.
You can't un-hurt the hurt.

What's worst is how badly I need you to know how angry I was with you today but yes, I'm a writer and I write. And even if I could write my thoughts then, you won't be able to understand a single bit of how I feel because there would only be curses. A shitload of curses, directed to you and you alone.
And to write them now.. here.. would be stupid of me to share it with the world.
But to write it in a letter.. I feel like leaving you dumbfounded and clueless of what you've done. Because I don't feel like I want to care if you do it again next time. I don't feel like I want to care about you anymore.
THAT is how furious I was.. still am, apparently.

All I feel is stupid.
I feel stupid for expecting that you'd make my life easier.. The least you could do was not to make it any harder.
Was that too much to ask?
Perhaps.
Would I be better off if I could readjust my expectations?

But according to that damn film, you're supposed to expect EVERYTHING from your partner and nothing less..
Complete the incomplete me.
So I am at a lost.
I don't know if I should have the same amount of expectations from you or readjust them for my own "good".

ughhh!
I am an emotional mess.

I wish I was younger.

Not that I'm afraid of getting old and saggy. (Well, maybe a little of that.) But mostly because of the things that I wish I could accomplish by a certain age.
I wish I was younger when I'd figured out that I wanted to become a cabin crew.
Did you know that by the time I finish my contract, I'd be almost 30??
I know that I said I didn't want to get tied down (as in married) before I'm 27, but now all of a sudden I'm scared that my ovaries won't work as well when I actually wanted to start a family.
All of a sudden I'm scared of my biological clock ticking faster than I want it to.
Sure, I'm 25 now, but WHAT IF biologically.. I have the organs of a 30 year-old? By I'm actually 30, my body is of a 40 year-old.. Then having a baby would be hard.. or dangerous!!
What if I can't conceive at all? Then my husband would be disappointed and wish to be with someone who could have HIS child.. and I'd be alone.. and truly empty..
UGHHHHH!!
This is too much to think about in one afternoon.

But I worry about this.
I am a person who worries about these things.
I suppose it's pretty early to think about it when I'm nowhere close to getting married.. but I need to have these things figured out. I'm not exactly into planning but I like to have rough ideas.
But right now, my rough ideas sucks!
Mostly because of my age.

I want to have a house.
I want my parents to live in a better house. At least if I'm not around to take care of them all the time, I want them to live in comfort.
And by the looks of the money I make now and how much I am spending.. there is NO WAY I could buy TWO freakin' houses by the time I'm thirty!
It sucks to feel old.
It sucks to be a late bloomer.
I wish I had all these figured out 5 years ago.

Sure, I could still achieve half of these if I decide to marry rich. But seriously, does that sound like me at all?
Marrying rich for the sake of getting material bliss?
I cringe at the idea!
That probably works for some girls but should I be one of those girls one day.. you should know that I am no longer me.

Anyway, next month will be a year I've joined the company. Congratulations to me for holding onto a job for a year! (Okay, I should probably save that 'til next month when I've actually worked for a year.) But still.. 11 months is the longest I've been working.
And I've been with Encem for 8 months. 8 long months considering I pretty much see him everyday. I should be tired of looking at him -- but I'm not! hahhahaha.

I've been having a strong need to shop lately. I blame the constant work I've been having to do. I tried to use some of my annual leave but my application was "rejected due to roster constraints". blah! So I need to shop. But I couldn't find anything worthy to spend on. So that sucks.
Of course I thought of finally getting a Blackberry (damn, I should stop talking about this) but I couldn't help delaying that since I'm planning to find a new place to rent that I might be needing the money for deposit.
I still couldn't find my perfect kind of wedges.
The tunic dresses and long shirts that I like are waaaayyy too expensive. (ZARA.. Promod?!) Sure I could afford them.. but seriously??
I think I prefer being ugly than stupid. Really.

Okay. I'm bored now. I'm talking to this guy sitting across me (a stranger who wanted to use the plug near the table) but I'm not having too much fun as he's been asking me about my job. ughhh!
I really gotta stop talking about my work during off days.

In pursuit of happiness.

The last time someone asked me about what I wanted to be.. all I could think about was to be HAPPY.
That person had actually asked me what I wanted to be career-wise, but I couldn't think of anything else other than the word "happy". Then she asked me; "what makes you happy?"
I believe that was the first nudge that had led me to my job now.
So now I have to ask myself.. "Am I happy?"

Pause.

I have no idea.
I suppose it's nice to have something to do everyday and not be bored by it. I actually said that when I was just a sales girl in a bookstore too. But I was only there for two months, so I guess that doesn't count. After all, I never did much work while I was there.. I even had time to flirt with the guy at the coffee place. But for two months I didn't mind spending a third of my pay on transportation alone. From my home to my workplace.. having to travel for more than an hour to get to the bookstore, I never did mind.
Could I be a closet-workaholic?
HAHHAHAHAHAHHA!!
Impossible.

I think I do enjoy my job. I was never a nine-to-five person to begin with. And travelling had taught me that I liked having little moments with strangers and this "job" opens up dozens of possibilities for me to have those little moments.
I love those possibilities.
Of having to meet different people everyday.. work with different characters..
But nothing is perfect. Let's face it. If everything is, how are we to appreciate the really beautiful things in life, right?

As for being a cabin crew.. one of the things that tires me out are the hours.
Sometimes having to work a four-sector flight for two days in a row.. ughh.. those sort of things ages you. And only a day off after such flights.. Madness.
Honestly, there isn't much to complain about the work except for the AMOUNT of it. Crazy rosters wears one out.

So in a way.. I suppose career-wise, I am now pretty happy. I'm in a good place.
I guess now it's the overall part that I need to work on. How to be truly happy of life itself. I don't think I'm quite there yet.
And I'm not sure if I know the way.

SBW with Mahera.

That's the name of my steward on this night stop.
Somehow we ended up spending pretty much the whole day together.
We were practically bored the whole time so he hangs around in my room.. giving me the 21-questions a policeman would ask you, hogging my laptop, and smoke. Of course.
He's a lot of fun though.
Pretty glad he was willing to hang around with me.. or is it the other way round? hahaha!

Anyway, there's still nothing interesting in Sibu.
Wish there WAS something to do. Perhaps we should've gone to take the boat to Mukah.. but really.. seeing the aborigines isn't exactly my thing. But who knows.. maybe next time.

I'm in a dire need of a mental change by the way.
Not particularly depressed at the time being, but I'm upset all the same.
I really.. really HAVE to start to really BE independent. I don't know.. I keep wishing for a saviour of some kind but I really should fix MYSELF first -- especially for having an idiotic idea such as that in the first place.
Ughhh.

I can't believe after all these years of fighting and after all the battles with myself.. I learn that I am SUCH a girly girl after all.
I suck.
As a person, I really do.
Anyway, I gotta learn to love myself.. that's for sure.
Because I can't keep putting myself in situations where I'll end up hating myself more. It's tiring.. depressing.. and most of all, it's making me go nuts!

And I don't wanna go nuts..
Not really..
Not even for a guy.

TPE.. is weird.

Not really weird - weird.
But I didn't expect it to be so.. small.
It's more like a town than a city.. where all the buildings are not really high and then pop! There's the Taipei 101. Weird. Like it's not supposed to be there. Pretty out of place, in my opinion.
Speaking of Taipei 101, I don't have any pictures of it. Perhaps some other time I will actually do some touristy stuff when I'm here.

Two days off once I get back.. alright!
I find myself appreciating off days more and more these days. hehe
Not that it's enough for me to actually go somewhere and have a holiday.. but it'll have to do.
REALLY looking forward to May!

I should pack away my netbook then.
Man, I wish I had more sleep!
Have a good week, everyone!

Projectile vomit from PNH.

Thankfully, it wasn't my set of crew who was on board..
But it was unfortunate for us to be the ones taking over the aircraft.
It was last Tuesday, and the flight to DPS was using the aircraft that has just gotten back from PNH.. Max was doing that flight. Poor boy, had to spend his birthday with the smell of vomit in the cabin.
I pity the cleaning lady too, who were in sweats when I came into the cabin. You know, it's times like those when you're thankful that you're not working for the other company. At least us; crews, doesn't have to deal with things that could be dealt by the cleaners on ground.
Small yay for my company.

Work has been.. extremely tiring lately.
Maybe I'm just getting old.. haha! But one too many daily flights does wear one out.. and that's just exactly what I've been doing lately -- one too many flights. ughhh!
I reckon I will be just as tired as I am right now next month.. Hopefully the money will be good, yeah?

Now, life on the other hand..
Nothing much to talk about in the area. I suppose there isn't much going on since I haven't had much of that. I don't even have the convenience of seeing my outsider friends. All the people I see these days are cabin crews. Friends, of course! Good friends even. But not old friends..
Alia asked if I wanted to come along to PD last week but I had to decline because I had to work.
I haven't seen Arep in a while either.
I can't even remember the last time I saw Ana..
Good thing Bahijah tweets. At least if I don't get to see her as much as I'd like, I still get to know what's going on with her life.
I'm not bored of my job just yet, but I am bored of talking about it..
The misfortune of hanging around crews all the time; our job is always the top most topic.. and I'm getting really weary of that. Some days I even get sick to my stomach, listening about it.. but most times it just gives me a headache.

Suppose you could say that that is the main reason why there hasn't been much update to this blog. Even when I do have internet access.. I don't really want to write about my work.
What I do for a living does not define who I really am.
Sure, it has something to do with what I like; travelling, to not be bored by mundane things as to work with the same people or go to the same office every single day.. Stability in that area is not needed for someone like me.
But that is not my LIFE.

So unfortunately.. I don't really have a life.
Nothing new is going on with me. Nina's pregnant, but again.. that is not MY life. What is my life is the sad part where Nina is pregnant and I don't even see much of my nieces these days. I wonder if Aqilah still remembers me. I wonder if Farhana still smothers her with kisses. Izzati is in standard one and all I heard were stories from Dida and my parents or Nina through the phone. It's just sad.
What's more sad is how little I bothered about these things most days. Really.. most days I could go on without having a single thought about my family.
This is not how I want to BE as a human being.
I wish I am more caring.. but I don't know why or how I got to be this.. detached.

Someone said to me that Sagittarians are hard to please. I don't know about the general Sags, but as for me it is true.. I don't know why is that. Perhaps I'm just looking for perfection.. or something close to it.
But what is perfect? I don't even know..
But I know what isn't perfect. And this thing that I have right now.. it's exactly just that.

I only recently saw Sex And The City The Movie.. Feels like I relate most to Samantha.. the bit where she said she loves herself more.. bah!
I'm horrible. I don't even like myself that much..
So I'm absolutely confused.. and imperfect.

If I could quit love..

sigh.
Would life be simpler?
Perhaps.. in some way or another.

Why do human beings have to be co-dependent anyway?

bah!
I am in an all round bad mood.
Lack of sleep.. period.. and stupid flights does that to me.
So never mind me and my crappy rants.
They are just that.. rants.

Hope you'll have a good weekend..
Hope that heart aches and heart breaks never come your way.
And that all your confusions dissolves..

Dear Universe, I lose again..

I have lost the ability to speak. Not a word pass through my lips but my tears can't seem to stop pouring.

What can you say, honestly?
I am stuck in the middle of what's right and what I need.
I shouldn't be this selfish but I really can't imagine carrying on feeling worse off than I am now.

I am not fine. And I will never be fine as I don't even know how to be fine anymore, so stop asking.
Stop caring too.
Just stop before it hurts even worse.

I wish it wasn't so..

I feel wretched.
By myself.
Ever feel that way? A pure wretchedness, total disgust of whom you have become.

To have wanted something else; a whole different idea, an expectation, even.. That you are better than this.
But you are not.
I - am NOT.

I don't know what else to say. I am greatly disappointed and at the same time I am sad. There is no such thing as a win-win situation in my book but there is definitely a lose-lose situation..

Still with flu.

Using the wifi in Opah, Bukit Jalil.
Dinner with Encem, Bestie, Luqqy, Finaz and Ajan.

Can you sense that I have nothing much to update?
Anyway, I'm still suffering with flu.
The pressure was so great earlier during flight, I swear something inside my head 'popped'.. I kinda expect myself to fall right there in the cabin -- but I didn't, THANK GOD!
The idea of actually falling on the floor of that cabin.. eww!

So.. my battery's dying..
'Til next time then!

Work gave me flu!

rawr!
I am in BKI now and having absolutely NO IDEA how to make my flu go away! It's annoying, I tell you. Of all the days to start getting sick, the flu chose THIS day! The first of my four days straight of work.
While I'm night-stopping, even!
So I'm coming home tomorrow (when there's no one to take care of me 'coz Encem will be in TPE) and then I have a layover in Kuantan.
Seriously.
Stupid roster gave me stupid flu.
Feels like all I ever do these days is get sick. And I really do blame my crazy roster. Testing my immune system again and again.
So hopefully I won't be too sick to work three sectors tomorrow. I know I'm going to head to bed early tonight and I'm counting on the flu meds to make that happen. haha!

I am starting to feel the lack-of-life since I've started to become a cabin crew. Crazy rosters.. and days off spent inside for a much needed rest. When I actually do gamble and go out, I end up getting sick..
Seriously.. my body needs to toughen up!
Especially since I am more likely to gamble with my rest hours -- which ended up getting me sick. hahahhaha!

If only I had been more homey.
But if I were, I wouldn't have thought of joining the airline in the first place!

Anyway, do you know that our body can only recognize ONE pain at a time? That's what I heard from somewhere anyway.
So I'm not sure if I'm all over the alone-ness I've been feeling lately, but I know that I can't think about that right now since my runny nose is bugging me so much!

Loved ones makes you cry.

They always do.
'Cause only they know how..


B: trust me darling.. you'd be in a sea of people and still feel alone


Great. That's just.. great.
Kinda beats the point of having anyone to love at all, right?
So who wants to bet that I'd feel excruciatingly alone this Valentine's?

Take my mind off.

I've been a bit troubled lately.
One that is really best described as "it's not you, it's me.."
Because really, there is noone else to be blamed but me. Even then I can't apologize to myself because I have no way of fixing my general makeup flaws.

Bestie's been asking me if I'm alright and I told him that I was fine.
How are you supposed to answer that question anyway?
If being honest requires you to explain something unfathomable to your own mind..

So I'm condemned for life.
What ever I did in my past life has made God punish me with a restless soul.

And my sister thought that I should look for someone older to take care of me.
Which made me sad.
Sure, we have that unspoken agreement that we can say anything honestly.. but that doesn't stop me from having unwanted feelings from her words.
But that's just the way she feels apparently -- that I need somebody mature to keep my feelings in check.
Sad.

So lets say that I actually end up with someone mature who keeps my feelings in check constantly yet I still find myself empty, lonely and ultimately cannot be saved. What then?
Proves the fact that I will be alone for the rest of my life?
Sure I've considered that happening but do I want proof? Truth is fine, but there are some things that I'd rather not know.
It's just sad.
I'm sad.

I'm restless and I can't help but wonder if there's a pill that I can take to make it go away.
Shit. My head's a mess.
And I'm getting really really tired..

Still tired.

Still moody.
Hence the lack of concern to how I am treating myself.
My last proper night's sleep was.. Thursday night..?
Crap. And I have an early pick up tomorrow.
I did doze off a little here and there throughout today.. but of course, that's not a "proper night's sleep".
Honestly I won't be shocked if I'm spending the coming three days off with a flu or fever. ughhh. No no.. Power of positive thinking!
I will NOT be down with a fever.. no no..

hahahhahahahahha!
I crack myself up with the idea of positive thinking. hahahahha
err.. I should take myself a wee bit seriously sometimes.
Although I can only pretend right now.
I honestly.. really.. couldn't care less about myself at this very moment. Surprise surprise..

Let's just say that I'm in my dark place again.
Although.. I am in my dark place most of the time, so there's nothing new there.
Nothing at all.

Currently listening to:
Need You Now by Lady Antebellum

SBW makes me nervous..

I'm tired..
I guess lack of sleep will do that to you.
My pick-up was at 5:50 yesterday and my wake-up call later will be at 4:45.. so.. sigh. I was sleeping earlier but DD called, saying that he was with his cousin and that he just met up with one of his good friend, Abang Hensem.
ughhh. Wish I had the days off so I could've gone with him to Kuantan.
Although.. he went there to visit his mom.. and I've never been great with moms. sigh.

I think I'm just jealous.. I hate the idea of him having fun while I'm miserable. hahahha! Talk about being malicious.
One thing I'm absolutely great at.. totally natural at it.

Anyway, did anyone ever notice that every Thaipusam, the news reporter will only ask how the tourists feel about the celebration? And every year, the answers will be exactly the same things. Why bother, honestly?
And why would their thoughts matter really? It's the thoughts of the people who are actually IN it that matters.

Look at me, talking as if I actually cared.
I don't really.
Just trying to distract myself from crazy thoughts..

Heart cracks.

What am I to you?
Tell me darling true
To me you are the sea, vast as you can be
And deeper shade of blue

When you're feeling alone
To whom else do you go?
See I cry if you hurt, I'd give you my last shirt
Because I love you so

If my sky should fall
Would you even call?


(Norah Jones, What Am I To You)

Darkness sets in.

I woke up today feeling like crap. Funny, since I went to bed at twelve which means that I had nine hours of sleep!

Suppose if I could give up on sleeping altogether, I would.
It hardly seems necessary to me. I don't feel rested, all I ever get is more confusion.

I'm complaining, I know. Try putting yourself in my shoes and imagine having nights and nights of bad dreams and bad sleeps that keeps you restless and feeling terrible once you wake..

Bla-bla-bla

Ugghhh.. scary.
Since it involves a Boeing 737-800. ughh..
See, there's a good reason why I don't watch Air Crash Investigations.. I just hate thinking about the possibilities of bad things happening while I'm working.

Anyway, I'm in an overall bad mood. Don't ask me why, I hate having to explain myself.. and yes, I know that not explaining myself will not help anyone in understanding me.. but if I need to explain myself for anyone to understand me, I'd say.. WHY BOTHER.
I'll just die alone.
I've considered it happening.
Suppose I believe that's going to happen anyway.

So.. what ever.
I'm emotional, stubborn, hard-headed and pretty pissed for most of the time.
Like it matters.
You don't even know me.

In KHH.

I was called up at 6:30 in the morning, and was told to report for duty at 10:30.. ughh..
The D.O. stole my time with Encem.
Tomorrow when I go back to Bukit Jalil, he won't be there as he's started his trip to BKI. sigh.
You know.. people who works in offices never had to deal with things such as this!

Well, I'm not complaining. Not too much anyway. heehee. I had just hoped that I'd get the rest of the day with Encem.. or maybe I'd get called up to a BKI nightstop or something like that.
But anyway, I'm liking Kaohsiung!
Other than the hotel having the cheapest internet rates than any other hotels that I've been to, (NTD150 = RM16, per DAY!) I also ADORE the night market completely!

Scary though.. since it's like an open air Sungai Wang Plaza! hahhahahahha!! I'm afraid of what I might buy the next time I'm here. heehee.
I don't feel "safe" to try out the street food though..
So I just spent the last half hour scouring my bags for some snacks, and what did I find?
NesVita, alright!

So I'm finishing up my drink and off to bed I will go.
About seven hours of flight to go through come morning.. (the wake up call is at 5:30am!)

So, later!
Oh, and boyfriend, I miss you ♥

Your patience.

Been having crazy emotions lately.
To the point that brought me to walk out of the room for fear of screaming into somebody's face. (A very particular face, most of the time.)
It's like all my anger towards anything/everything has been bottled up and are on the verge of exploding, every single time.
And then of course.. he would walk along with his cool and calm.. completely oblivious of how rotten I'd been and how horrible my tantrums can be.
sigh.
But that doesn't mean that I threw my tantrums for nothing!! rawr! I blame him for stirring the monster inside me in the first place. hahhaha!
If it wasn't just for nothing, I wouldn't have a reason to cry too, right?
sigh some more.

Anyway, my three days off are up. I'm on standby come morning.. I wish they wouldn't call.. not tomorrow anyway. I don't feel like working just yet.
Actually, I don't feel like even THINKING about work right now because I HATE next month's roster! Absolutely hate it.
The only good thing about it is that I am getting the chance of having a nightstop in Taipei! It's the one, sole thing that I'm happy about the roster. (small 'wheee!')

Oh hey.. Other than that.. Life's been okay.
Nothing too exciting happening.
Dida's former boss asked me a pretty harmless question last night but what popped from my mouth for an answer is now keeping my mind at a constant thinking mode.. while my heart is on guard.
How odd.

'Til next time, everyone.
Have a good weekend ahead.

28,000 for a scoop of BR.

In Rupiah that is.

Jakarta was fine. I had a nice set crew that brought me walking along the streets of the city - which is something that you don't really wanna do. heh


Now I'm home and will be flying to BKK tomorrow with the leading who put me as a galley steward last Wednesday. ughh!

I wish I am someplace else..

5 days in KCH.

Long trip.
I don't know why but it feels sooooo long.

And I really miss my man.
sigh.
Good thing that I'll be home tomorrow night.
That's my 'happy thought' to help me get through two more sectors tomorrow with a two-hour transit in between. gah!

Anyway.. life's been alright.
Nothing much to complain about except for the fact that I'm here in Kuching.. and bored. Kinda. I spent a lot of money today buying kek lapis and fabrics.
And I still haven't found the perfect wedges for my cute dresses.
sigh some more.

Okie. I really should start looking for a real subject to write on than these short whatevers that I'm thinking about.

I couldn't help it.

I needed him but he wasn't there..


I really needed him.


So I cried.

I refuse to be sick!!

Been having some sore throat..
And sneezing a lot.
With an on-and-off runny nose.
Then the days started raining..
GAHHH!! I refuse to be sick!! Especially when I'll be having my 5-days trip to Kuching the day after tomorrow. I don't want to be down with a cold, come on!

Of course, I should probably blame myself for wearing myself out. Lacking in sleep.. working hard.. (HAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA!!) going out 'til late.. Getting rained on...
I get it, I haven't been taking a very good care of myself these past few weeks.
I don't know why.. I guess I haven't been in the best mood to care about how I'm treating myself.

Anyway, Happy New Year, everyone!
Today's the fourth day of the year.. and I must say that the year's been pretty good to me. hahahha! (Well, I say we'll wait 'til the next couple of post for my psychotic rants to start pouring in.)
I've met lovely set crews in the past couple of flights that I've done.. Really sweet and funny supervisors.. Hung out with really entertaining people.. Talked and shared more with Encem.
I have a lot to be thankful for.
So I will try to cut down the complaints a notch this year.

Though I may never be able to laugh about my life everyday, I shall try to not find things to cry about. hehe. Plus, I have enough gray hairs to convince me to chill more and not to worry too much.
As I'm a late-bloomer, I shouldn't fuss too much about being twenty-five.. right? I mean, I couldn't help it!

So that's basically how my year's resolution going to be. More on self-improvement and not about things I want to achieve or have. No deadline. No wishes. No wants. (Okay, maybe just a little.) But mostly just going with the flow without being pushed around by the current -- if that makes any sense at all.

I will lead a better life, choose healthier food, start an actual exercise routine.. even as minor as going up and down the flight of stairs. Have healthier thoughts and laugh more. Though I'm leaving that bit of resolution for Encem to work on. hahahhaha!
He's the one who said that he'll save me after all.. so he should just suck it!! heehee.

Man, I miss that boy..
He's doing a layover in SIN while I'm here in Shah Alam.. and how psychotic am I to keep on yapping about him to Dida all day? haha. She should just suck it too for all the things she's been yapping to me whenever she gets the chance! heehee.

God, I'm thankful.
It's weird how some days I could feel so lonely when I'm surrounded by so much love..

Anyway, again.. Happy new year my darling readers..
Hope you'll have a wonderful, eventful year ahead of you.

New Year.

You know, I always wonder if I actually love reading The Alchemist.
I think I have a love/hate relationship with that book.
To be honest, I used to HATE it. All that crap about "personal legend".. it made me feel so lonely.. and empty. Living life with no purpose.. Not knowing what's my next step going to be; whether it will be for the better or lead me into an even deeper shithole.. but either way, I needed to take that step.

And a step I took.
I had a dream and I took a step last year.
It brought me another wave of depression but it made me determined to give it another go in January. And the result, I now have a job. One that I couldn't possibly hate. One that has all the criteria that should make me stick to it as it involves travelling, meeting different people and not having to sit at the same ole' desk from nine to five every single day.

I feel slightly guilty that I am no longer with the person whom had moved me to take that very step. He was on my resolution this year. Which is probably why I am not really ready for the new year. Feels like I'm leaving behind one of the best parts of my life.
I never had anyone whom had moved me so.. to that very point where I actually picked myself up and DO something so my path would change.
Change it did.. and I did too..

Anyway.. it had felt as if I changed a lot this year.
Quarter-life crisis, I'd say. hahahha!
I didn't get my Louboutin's shoes when I turned 25.. ah well.. Not that it's easily available around KL anyway. So that's my excuse. haha!
I'm glad that at least there's some movement in my life at the moment.
As for a new year's resolution, I can honestly say that I haven't had a single thought about what's it going to be just yet.

Getting married, maybe? HAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAH!!
God.. maybe engaged first. Although I'm not even into that whole thing. I'd like it western-style, gimme a diamond ring and we're set! HAHAHHAHAHAHHAH!!
shit. I'll save this for 2011.

As for this year's resolution.. this year.. this year...
I'll update you when I have some.

Counting the days.

Just a couple more 'til 2010.
I dunno..
I don't think I'm ready for a new year just yet.




So I think I'll save my thoughts until I am ready :P

I don't want to care.

ughhh..
I have no idea why it is SO damn easy for my feelings to get hurt these days.
It's crazy.
How can anyone live this way??
I hate the person I've become.. and I don't even like myself much to begin with!
It feels like.. EVERYTHING matters. I take EVERYTHING personally. Which at the end of the day hurts me like hell.

What's the freakin' point?!
Stupid stupid stupid.
I'm acting like a complete fool again.

I HATE YOU, ME!!!

If I understand myself correctly.. the only way I can be calm is to NOT CARE.
But if I don't care at all, it'd be wrong.
So how can I give a little crap, than a whole lot of crap? Can somebody teach me? 'Coz I really don't know how.
It's not fun being an "extremist". Not knowing when to give things a rest because your heart and mind are too focused on that one sole thing.
It's tiring.. and pathetic. But most of all, it's driving me insane.
I never knew that I was this person.
I don't want to be needy but time and time again it seems like I'm nothing BUT needy.

ughhhhhh!!!

Anyway, I'm in Shah Alam trying to let my mind wander and be distracted.
I need distractions badly. So badly, I could beg for it.
But obviously, I'm failing at this moment.
Which SUCKS!

In LBU.

Woke up on the wrong side of the bed yesterday..
Naturally, I spent most of the time we had being cranky and now I'm feeling sorry 'coz he's in BKI for the next 3 days.
hmmph!

I really should be in control of my own freakin' mood..

Anyway, I should put away my laptop now.
Less than 15 minutes 'til check-out!

In SIN.

Layover.
In crew lounge.
Was hoping that I could go online from my room but the wi-fi is only available in public areas and if I use the cable, the rate is S$29 per day.
ughhh! No thanks!

Earlier I exchanged some money at the airport but I suppose you could say that it was for nothing.
No -- it's for wasting my effort really.
I REFUSE to spend 29 (times 2.4) for a couple hours of internet.. and I couldn't choose on anything I'd like to try from the room service. I dunno. Maybe I should close my eyes and point to the desserts at random.

Anyway, I'd hate to admit this but I am rather disappointed.
That's twice.
I guess when things aren't meant to be.. they really are NOT MEANT TO BE.
I suppose Encem had those weird dreams for nothing. hehe. Guess I'm not the only one who over-thinks sometimes.

Ah well.. I think I'll go back to my room and look over the menu again and see if I really can't decide on anything.
I should probably try to get some sleep too.
After all, I'm the only stewardess on flight so I need to look good for the passengers. HA HA HA HA HA!!
(pretend that I didn't laugh and that I really care about the way I look FOR the passengers.)

Started with a perfect kiss
Then we could feel the poison set in

I'm The Lucky One.

No complaints.. at this very moment. ♥
heehee.

Had the best time with my two favourite boys last night.
Had dinner at Tony Roma's.. Bestie treated me Baskin Robbin's ice-cream cake.. and the previous night DD handed me the ZARA jacket I saw, tried and LOVE about a week ago. ♥

Just about the things that I probably wouldn't get myself really..

Anyway, I'm currently at The Gardens with Nina and Dida.. they took the day off just to hang out.. just the three of us! HAHHAHAHHA.
I have awesome sisters.

In SBW.

Man, I should be sleeping.

No. I should be HOME! ughhh..
But I need the work. Flying is gooood.

Anyway, typically I will be in SBW every month. Only this time, it's more annoying than usual as the departure time kept being pushed back. We should've arrived in Sibu at 9 something but we actually arrived at 12:45 am!!
Bad weather and aircrafts being grounded, so I've heard.
Yesterday was just a bad day to have a flight, honestly. Too many flights were delayed. The crew lounge at the airport was packed and so many cabin crews walking around the terminal.

Felt a bit slow coming back to work after so long of a break.
I miss Encem.
Three days off after I come back from this flight and I've already made plans with my sisters.. yayy!

Nothing much to update.
Oh! My "birthday" blows.
And I received the email I sent myself 3 years ago, which was amusing and a tad upsetting at the same time. ughhh. I'm thinking of sending another email to the future-me but I'm afraid if I'll just end up upsetting myself some more.

Anyway, have a good Sunday everyone!
I really need to try and get some shut eye.

I wish that I wouldn't wish at all.

I am getting old, damnit!!
Sure, perhaps I look just as same.. but inside.. BIOLOGICALLY.. I'm OLDER!!!
shit.
This is so depressing.
This is why I shouldn't be excited about December. My birthday is coming up fast and it feels like I'd be depressed every single year!
This is so messed up.
I should be made to be wanting of nothing.

Santa, forget my list.
Just hand me the coals if you like because I expect nothing more.
No.. to be truth.. I expect NOTHING.
Really. I really reaaaally need to believe that.
Seems like every year I found a reason to cry on my birthday (it's a fact, I just read my archives) because even when I said that I expected nothing.. I LIED.
Which sucks. Big time.

I'll be 25..
And still waiting to grow up.
Somebody should really help me save myself from December.
'D' stands for DEPRESSED. ughhh!!

Pascal, in one of his gloomier pensées, gave it as his opinion that all our miseries stemmed from a single cause: our inability to remain quietly in a room.
Why, he asked, must a man with sufficient to live on feel drawn to divert himself on long sea voyages?
To dwell in another town? To go off in search of a peppercorn? Or go off to war and break skulls?
Later, on further reflection, having discovered the cause of our misfortunes, he wished to understand the reason for them, he found one very good reason: namely, the natural unhappiness of our weak mortal condition;
so unhappy that when we gave to it all our attention, nothing could console us.
One thing alone could alleviate our despair, and that was "distraction" (divertissement): yet this was the worst of our misfortunes, for in distraction we were prevented from thinking about ourselves and were gradually brought to ruin.
-- Chatwin.

TGIF

I got my much-needed dose of my sisters this afternoon (yesterday!) and I have no words to describe it except for love.. love.. love.. LOVE!!
I always remember how much I'd laugh when I'm with them and considering I've been extremely irritable lately (more than usual, I mean) I picked up my phone on Thursday and texted Nina and Dida asking them if they had any plans for lunch.
Lucky me, they didn't! heehee

Anyway, I'm in Shah Alam.. did my laundry and went out with an old friend..

I fussed about getting old to him and he talked ENDLESSLY about Star Wars! ughhhhhh!!!
Anyway, I had good food and an overall good time.. so no complains here.
Thanks everyone!

Have a great weekend!

My rage will kill me.

Hullo, from Starbucks, The Mall!

yeah, well.. I honestly prefer Coffee Bean myself but there's only Starbucks here and I wanted the internet. blablabla..

My mom fussed over the fact that I had two days off but I didn't come home to Shah Alam, so I decided to come to KL and see her. Passed Breaking Dawn to Nina as well. My 30 year-old sister is having a crush on Edward to the point where she would mention his name to my brother in-law.. it's incredible.
Even I didn't do that.
Oh, and she's on Team Edward apparently. sigh.
But at least she wasn't mad at Jacob like SOME PEOPLE I know! hahahhaha!

Anyway, my battery's dying soon. And I'm pretty bored sitting here sipping my caramel frap. I can't stop thinking about fish and chips for the past couple of days so I think I'm going to have that for dinner soon.
Have a good week, everyone!
Be safe.

RM25 an hour.

Let's just call today.. a day of excessive spending.

Bestie, Encem and I went to Low Yatt today, and though I hadn't decided on getting myself a laptop today.. I DID. ughhh!
Encem got himself Samsung's 23" screen and an HP printer..
ughhhh!
Seriously.
We're sort of bad together when it comes to spending.
Not that we spend a lot all the time.. but when we actually do spend.. it's a LOT!
Actually, come to think about it, I think he spends more than I do.
mm.. but.. he kinda spends for the "greater good", in a way.. things that the rest of the housemates can make use of.

While the things I spend on.. are usually for myself.
Alone.
hahhahahahhahha!
Anyway, I like my HP Mini. It's awesome on days like this -- when I'm actually in KCH and too lazy to walk to the crew lounge. Honestly, I've lost patience trying to move myself around looking for the wireless.. which explains the RM25 an hour. eeeep!
And I still owe Dida money.
hahhahahhaha!
Damnit Wanie! I really shouldn't be laughing. Which reminds me.. I should've brought along my school loan letter so I could pay some back. ughhh!!

Anyway, at least now I could strike off one of the things I've always wanted. yayy!

Dear Santa,

(Read: Mama, Dida, Encem, awesomely good friends)

I know I haven't been very good through the year, but I also know that I haven't been too naughty either. So please don't give me coals. Give me these instead please;

Laptop
Blackberry
Pretty clothes
Christian Louboutin shoes
Ipod

And my birthday is coming up, so pleaaase..?

Love,
Wanie

It's 12:20.

Since Bestie haven't mentioned it yet, he's officially moved into the building where I live now in Bukit Jalil. woohooo! Distractionsss! hahahhahaha
Unfortunately, I haven't got the chance to fuss around in his new room as I am still in Seremban.. praying that my full health will return to me soon.

I need to start planning my expenses real smartly. Especially since I wasn't flying much last month (which result in a huge dent to my account) and this month.. and also next month! Good God, life isn't about money.. so I hate it when I need to think about it.

Damn, I need a bit change around my life!
Okay.. well.. that's actually a translation for "I need more money so I could get a Blackberry!" or "When am I ever going to buy a laptop?!"
hahhahaha!
I hate that I keep thinking about things that I want (but don't need) but out of rationalization, I put it off again and again. hahahahha! Of course, out of rationalization.. I shouldn't be complaining since it's for the best, but damn! I'd like to splurge like a FEMALE sometimes!
HAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA! And I hate thinking about the same things again and again!

Okay okay. I think I've rant enough for the time being.
But I do need some change around my life.
I'm not sure how.. but I want it anyway.
Suppose I'll figure it out eventually..

In Seremban.

I think I'm feeling better..
But I'm pretty woozy at the moment, so what do I know?

I had MY FATHER called the clinic earlier to get me another mc for today but the person on the other line/doctor needed me to come in to be examined again for me to get it. Oh heck.
So I had spent the day nervously hoping that the D.O. (duty officer) wouldn't call me -- and thankfully they didn't!
I don't know what I would have done if they did. Use my charm (?) to get them to call someone else perhaps. If that didn't work then I would just have to go to work and pretend that I'm fine.
Not exactly hard, since that's what I'm paid for. Kinda..
hahahhaha!

So I'm still in Seremban.. and Encem's in Kuantan.. sigh.
Good thing I didn't get called up. I would be pretty upset if I come home to my empty room right now.
Off day tomorrow and a layover the day after, which means I can get home whenever I like to. HA - HA - HA - HA!!
God, I hope my dizziness would be gone by then.
Though I said that I'm paid to pretend that I'm fine.. I suppose the company pays me too much, cause I'm a bad pretender. hahahahhaha!

Oh, it seems like I've been thinking a bit about the future lately.
Of how I'd like it to be.
I blame the dizziness.
I refuse to think about the future in general. It would nudge me to hope, and eventually saddens me. (Pessimistic, of course.)
And while I was walking around the mall with my family, looking at home appliances.. I thought of him. haha! I love playing house with him, I can't deny that.

Anyway, I need to distract myself some..

Rindunyaaaaaaa!!!

Damn, I miss him.
I hate that he's flying right now.
Damn Bangalore!
I also hate that I'm sick and all I want right now is ATTENTION but I'm not getting it!
*cries*
Okay, I'm not actually crying, but I DO feel like crying.
sigh. I really.. REALLY hate the fact that I can't talk to him.
Really really hate.

Oh, I'm still pretty sick. My sisters reckon that I need to see the doctor again tomorrow and get another mc.
Noooooooooooooooooo!!!

My first mc..

ughh.. I hate that I'm sick during standby.
I'm not even sure if I needed the mc to begin with! But I had to get it anyway JUST IN CASE the duty officer calls me to work.
Damn it! My mc will be on my record!
That sucks the most..

Anyway, I'm sweating like a pig at the moment. I suppose that's good. I hope that I'll get better tomorrow or the duty officer doesn't call me as tomorrow will be my last day on standby.

Damn, I really hate being on standby!!

Anyway, my family are preparing to head to Seremban. Celebrating Aidiladha there.. or something.
But honestly, all I feel like doing right now is NOT sweat and sleep all day.. and not move an inch.. at all.

I miss my Bollywood-crew.

In Shah Alam.

But I really should get a shower so I could head back to Bukit Jalil, honestly.

Bestie asked me last night if my life truly depends on monkey-fish now. I must admit.. my satellite does revolve around his world.
But to say that I depend on him.. perhaps not. (Or maybe I'm just in denial?)

It's not like I MUST have him around to be happy.
I am naturally too easily distracted to depend on any one sole thing or person, really. Actually, sometimes I feel like I want him to feel like he could depend on me.
Also, in a way I'd like to believe that I am a dependable human being.
I know I wasn't made that way.. but I try.

But yes, I am one of those needy girls who clings to her boyfriend too much sometimes.
I guess in my heart and thoughts.. if you could BE together, why AREN'T you together? So I spend all the time I could spend with him, being with him. (But of course, then feeling hurt when he decided to be someplace else instead of being with me.)

If equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me.

W.H. Auden

Ah.. I curse Auden for cementing that quote onto my head.

It's never a fun thing to be the more loving one.
It's a recipe for major heartache, honestly.

But yeah.. back to the main point.
Do I NEED him?
I'd like to think NOT. hahahhahaha! I mean, if I do.. I would be okay with every little thing that he does, right? But I'm not really okay with EVERYTHING! (I'd like to think that it makes sense, anyway.)

Oh heck, think I should take my shower now.
Even if I don't really need my monkey-fish, I can still miss him!

In BKI.

And missing him.
Just saw next month's roster and I don't think I have anything much to complain about.. except maybe that I'm rostered for SBW -- AGAIN!!!
ughh.. seriously. Why do those rostering people keep sending me to SBW.

Anyway, I'm pooped.
I really should head to bed soon since I really.. really need it.
Today's flight wasn't so bad but the long hours.. sigh.

I'm happy that I'll be home by tomorrow evening.
I miss my bed.. and my room.. I miss my scented candles.. hahahha!

Nothing much to write today.
Nothing eventful happened, so really.. I have nothing to write.
So, 'til next time dear readers.. Have a good weekend!
I'm really looking forward to my two days off. heehee.

In KCH.

3 days trip..
Started off with paxing to Kuching.. which is basically a waste of time. But considering that we'll (myself and 4 other of my crew) be having a long day tomorrow.. it's understandable why the company didn't make us work today.

I'm already missing home.
The contents of home to be more precise.
Fortunately we bumped into each other in the terminal this morning. That soothed a bit of my mood. Plus, my crew seems easy to get along with. That'd help make the whole weekend bearable.
Although I did have trouble recognizing my superior just now as I was walking along the river. hahaha! I'm terrible.

I really should ask one of my crews how to say some things in Chinese for tomorrow's flight to Hong Kong. I really don't feel like flapping my arms around. heehee.

Nothing much to write.
Unfortunately I'm a bit single minded at the moment and I don't suppose it'd be interesting to read about.

Oh! I did spend a whole night with Bestie last night. That was fun. We decided to indulge ourselves; so we tried Italiannies for our first time.. had a smoke at Starbucks (as they were ready to close).. had a drink at Coffee Bean.. watched a movie at The Signature.. then lepak at a mamak in Subang that I end up being sent home at half past five IN THE MORNING! hahahhahahha!
Just enough time for me to pack up my things, take a shower and get ready for my pick up at seven.
Crazy.
Crazy fun!!
Thank you Bestie for distracting me from feeling sorry for myself. I really hate being in my dark room all by myself.
You're awesome, you know that?

Anyway, my set crew is in the next room watching Pandorum so I should join them though I'm not exactly a fan of thrillers.. ick!
Guess I'll catch up with you tomorrow from Kota Kinabalu! *wink!*

O yeah.. Happy Birthday, Ma!

Life in mono.

I wonder why do I keep running away. Why do I push you away?
Maybe I want you to leave me.. One good excuse for me to feel as lonely as I do.

I wish my head would just shut up right now. Or at least that my head and my heart are friends instead of being constant enemies.
My soul isn't having fun, and no amount of cheesecake can save me now.

The chain-smoker in me.

Oh yes, despite saying that I'm cutting down, I am finding myself smoking more and more.
Depending on how my day goes though.
And the past 2 days had been bad.

I honestly don't know why I bothered starting anyway.
Maybe it's a cowardly way of committing suicide. Not that I'm trying to off myself right here, right now. I don't think I'm ready for that -- yet (haha!) but I don't want to live too long either. (Especially not when my heart keeps aching for the stupidest reasons.)

Anyway, before I drag on about the things that I do not wish to drag about, let's yap on things that is in my mind at the mo.
Earlier, the ex-Boyfie (hahahahahha) asked me if I am now single -- assuming that he's been reading my tweet, which had really brought me laughing. Well, I'm not. But I wondered if I was..

I think I'd stay single.
Not that I'm unhappy being with the monkey-fish. Being with anybody isn't really hard for me. (Not since recently anyway.) It's when NOT being with them that drains me the most. And I didn't think that I was.. is this person. The girl who NEEDS to be with a boy.
That's crazy.
And yet couple-hood seems to have changed me.
My neediness upsets me. It's pathetic and ridiculously degrading. (Oh yes, I am hard on myself.)
Feels like ever since I got back on that saddle of couple-hood, my emotions had been on a rampage.

Anyway, you may not want to take my words verbatim. I am writing this out with an upset heart and getting very close to a caffeine crash. And I'm not really that upset anymore. Mostly numb I believe, since I've only had 5 hours of sleep since the past 48 hours.
But I have DEFINITELY been a little stressed lately and I have the proof of a pimple on my chin. I honestly can't remember the last time I had a pimple. ughhh.

Ah well.. I have this two days off and I should be able to catch up on my rest. Take a much needed breather.

By the way, thanks for saving me, Bestie!
"When you're single, you're depressed about not being with someone. When you're with someone, you're depressed about not being with someone else."
hahahahhha! I love us.

Okay. I'm crashing real soon so I should head to bed ASAP.

Same as I ever was.

At least I have pretty nails!

So the last I slept was 30 hours ago..
Of course that's if you don't count the minutes I dozed off in the plane.. or the minutes in my transport back from the airport.. or the little measly minutes while I was in the train to Nina's office.. or the tiny few minutes in Dida's car on the way back to Shah Alam.
Because honestly, they hardly feel like "rest" at all..

My sisters and I had been planning to go to get manicure/pedicure one day and because we wanted it to be a Friday, I suggested TODAY! -- honestly forgetting that I wasn't doing a split duty (where I go out on the last flight out, check into a hotel, then travel back on the first flight in) but a straight flight to and fro Hyderabad (4 hours flight time!) and to only touch down at 8am. Which means that I have to get myself ready as soon as I reach home so I could get to KL by 12.

Which I did.
So now I'm perfectly disoriented.. with my brain somewhere floating in the universe.. because really, I'm too old for staying up too long.
Ah well.. at least I have pretty nails!
And I've done my laundry!
So I could get back to Bukit Jalil, forget to hang my clothes to dry and plop in my bed until tomorrow afternoon -- which will be an OFF DAY! heehee

If money grew on trees..

I would have bought that darned boots!
And more books!
Buy more presents..
But I would definitely buy that pair of ankle boots I saw in M&S. gah!
It's only been.. what, 3 days, since I got my paycheck and I've already spent one thousand ringgit! That's right, kids. One freakin' thousand ringgit!
Of course I did use a portion of that money for sensible things like for rent and to give my parents.. but that is only a small portion of one thousand!
It's terrible, really.
I should never be allowed to have any money at all.

Also, I should be banned from going into bookstores.
But I'm happy to have bought Dan Brown's The Lost Symbol (though I said that I'd wait for the paperback to come out.. but I've never been very good with being patient either.) and Stephenie Meyer's Eclipse, finally. The collection is complete! woohoo!

But man.. if only I don't have to think about the future and could spend my money however way I'd like to spend it.
Those boots is a definitely definitely must buy -- though I have no idea when am I actually going to wear it, but I don't care! I LOVE boots!!
And I haven't bought two of Cecelia Ahern's latest books.
Oh! And Mitch Albom has a new book out as well! Dammit!
I can't stop talking about books now.. or stop thinking about boots.
Perhaps I am just as crazy about shoes as every other women on this planet. Because I still need a pair of wedges. HA HA HA HA HA!

I really have no idea how am I going to live 'til the next paycheck. I'd love to have a bit of savings but it seems pretty impossible at the moment. It's sad. I need to pay my school loan, and the money I owe Dida.. estimate how much I am allowed to spend per day..
I'm sleepy.
And I should stop talking about those boots. Maybe I'll yap to monkey-fish once he comes home from work. hohoho! (And hope that he'll tell me to just buy 'em! HAHAHHAHA!)

A wedding, a flower and a karok session!

I really need more sleep.
I went to bed at 6 this morning and Arep called at twelve. We went to Idris' house and waited for him for almost two hours before we actually headed out to Alia and Johanz' wedding.


The wedding went fine.. I think. We got there when most of the people have gone back.. so.. I kinda liked that! (I'm never a big fan of the crowd in weddings.)
Anyway, congrats you two!
Funny how my friends are married and I am nowhere close to being ready for it.

I chatted with some of my old school mates at the wedding (which was a good thing..) -- then some of us decided to go for karaoke!! hahahahha! Nuts. And the say that they do it all the time! hahahahha!

Thank you Incik Arep for bringing me out today. And thank you for singing with me. It was a fun day. (Though what Idris said after that song ended was even funnier!)

Now I'm not looking forward so much to going back to Bukit Jalil. One, because of the work tomorrow, and second, which is actually the main reason.. I hate returning to my dark, lifeless room.
My batteries are low and I need him to recharge me.
Damn distractions. gah!

I never liked numbers..

One day off and I'm in Shah Alam so I could attend Alia and Johanz' wedding.
He got two days off and he went back to his hometown.
mmph.
Don't think I'll see him 'til Sunday night.
Anyway, I'm trying not to care about not being able to see him -- though I hate it. I hate it with PASSION!
But I don't care.

First day back to work was nice enough. I had a good set crew and a pretty cool leading. Miri was just as quiet as I last visited it. meh.
Tiring though.. from lack of sleep. I can never seem to get enough sleep whenever I'm away from home.

Dida said something really interesting earlier. I was saying how we're not very good at communicating. She then said that communicating wasn't the real problem, but it's our egos..
heh. If Dida admits to being egoistical.. I don't know what I am.
hahahahha!

Oh! I got a call from some passenger yesterday morning. He claimed to have been my passenger on my flight from KUL to MYY the previous night. He actually called the HOTEL to get connected to me.
I swear I don't know why these people keep finding me.
I honestly don't mind talking to my passengers. As a matter of fact, it's one of the reasons why I joined the airlines anyway; so I could meet and talk to more people.
But to have somebody whom I have no memory of, call the hotel where I was staying to be connected to me, asking me what's my favourite colour and what I friggin' wear when I sleep is TOO MUCH!
And he claimed to be thirty something and engaged.

Honestly! Where are the reasonable, non-creepy, twenty something strangers gone to?? Can't THEY call me instead??!
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!

Okay. I really need to get some sleep if I want to look half-charming tomorrow afternoon -- but When Harry Met Sally will be on Star Movies in about an hour!! eeep!

I miss you my kera anak ikan patin!

Crap, I miss my monkey-fish!

This is what I get for not sleeping at all through the night.
Too much time in my hands filled with.. not having him around like always.
Yea yeah.. I'm needy. It sucks.
Especially when I go into my crazy mode and push him away instead of holding onto him. ah.. stupid self-preservation. I don't think it'll ever make sense.

Most times I'm not even mad. I simply become.. cold and frigid in the hopes that the fall won't hurt me as bad.
Am I making sense here or I'm just making it even more complicated?
I keep trying to explain myself but I don't think it's getting any clearer.

Now I'm wondering if I should even talk about him in here. Suppose he's always been really private about himself. Kinda. He talks a lot, honestly. But he also listens a lot.. which I love. And the crazy things he does like getting on one knee in the middle of a mall just to see me freak out. And he talks a lot.. I swear, sometimes it is as if he won't shut up. heehee. But on the rare occasions that he quiets down.. I love how we'd just look at each other.
There really is something about seeing my own reflection in his eyes.
But he's nuts. Really. To the point that I get tempted to throw a shoe at him so he'd stop acting like a loon. (Oh, I never told him that.)
And sometimes he irritates me so bad when he goes missing. Like when we went shopping and I look away and he's gone.. only 8 minutes later I see him emerge from the dressing room. That really pissed me off. (I never told him that either.)
Basically it's okay if I go missing (it's his fault anyway for saying that he likes to look for me) but I never gave him the okay to go missing! rawrr! I HATE looking for things!

sigh.
I really hate this part. The part where it dawns on me how attached I've become to someone. It sucks. Really really sucks when despite him talking a lot about a lot of things.. I honestly don't know if I've affected him as much.. or even half.. a little..?

hmmph.
I should get some sleep before I start getting psychotic.

Dear Mr. Hasse,

thank you for letting me use your laptop in this mamak place.
Though I don't really have anything to update the world at the moment.
But having your Dell laptop in this noisy Restoran Al Barkath makes me feel.. oh so grateful to be friends with you.
I would say Mimi is lucky to have you.
But then again I am lucky that you and Mimi found each other.

HAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA!

Perhaps I'm unreasonable.

But I don't think you love me for my reasoning.

ughh. I need to learn not to get so frustrated.
This is tiring.

I can be such a psycho sometimes.
That is tiring.

Call me and I won't pick up.

I'm not mad, but sad.

If you don't want me.. I won't give you the chance to leave me.
I won't be there to listen to what ever you're going to tell me.
I'm a runner.
I run.

It's self preservation.
I won't know how to pick myself up when I fall. Not immediately anyway.
So pardon me for building the wall around me.

I'm not mad, but sad.
And I'm trying so hard not to let that pull me down.
So believe that I'm mad, not sad.

The thing about being in love with the sun.

..You feel bad for being the dark cloud that looms around in the sky.
The one who holds back the sun's brilliance.
The sun isn't responsible for the dark. And it isn't his fault that the cloud was simply made to be the way that she is.

Perhaps the wind should just blow her away to some other land and let the sun shine.

Danger.

Wish I could stop thinking of things that would worry myself sometimes.

I had one of my psychotic moods last night and sat in the living room, trying to write in my Moleskine. DD had to come over and completely distract me from writing (darkly, I might add) and changed my mood altogether.

But I suppose he saw what I was writing because he asked;
"Are we happy?"
hmm.. hard to answer since it's never been easy to associate the word "happy" with "Wanie" -- even though they rhymed. Sort of.

Yepp. I believe years and years of self-doubt and self-inflicting pain (of the mental kind) has turned me into a psycho-lady who can't even tell whether she's happy or not.
I really feel sorry for the men who stuck by me.. constantly trying to please me when I keep taking and taking and not giving anything back.
I am a psycho-COW.

But thank you.. gentlemen.
You have always been that.. gentle, towards me. And I can't and wouldn't stop thanking you for that. You have guts. Your patience is astounding.
I am of no worth and yet you persisted. So, thank you.

Anyway, I smoked in front of Mama for the first time today. I felt dirty for that but at the same time I had to laugh. Instead of nagging at me to quit smoking, her advice was; "Don't inhale the smoke so deep.. it's bad for your health."
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!!
God, it's times like that when I am SO grateful that I'm related to the people I am related to!

Okay, I should go off and chill. Tomorrow morning begins my 5-days working madness, which starts off with a 4-sector flight, Bangalore flight on Monday and the EVIL Labuan 5-sector-up nightstop on Wednesday.
'Til next time then..

Happy Eid-ul Fitr!

I am not my sisters.

Which is bad for the people around me really.

My old man keeps forgetting this little fact though. It's sad. I am not as needy or clingy.. I didn't need him to wait for me during my interviews.. I didn't need him to go into the doctor's room with me and I sure as hell didn't need him to come pick me up 'cause I can find my way home just fine.

He thinks HE'S egoistical.
Well, he obviously doesn't know me well enough.
hahahhahahahahha!!
Well, I don't like to think of myself as egoistical though.. Call me proud. hahahha!

So anyway, I'm in Shah Alam. But I don't think I'll be here much too often after this. It's way too much hassle to get here and if I needed to do my laundry, I believe it would be cheaper to just send it to a laundry-store.
Weird, I know.. but it took me 2 hours and RM 18 for me to get from Bukit Jalil to Shah Alam! eeps! I should use my money smarter, is all I'm saying..

Split duty in Kuantan tomorrow.. I've heard so many good things about the hotel.. I'm looking forward to this one. (Not too excited about another flight to BKI on Sunday though.)

Oh, DD.. If you're reading this.. I miss you!

Going home.

My wake up call will be in an hour and half. hahahhaha! (Wake up call at 5pm.. tickles me everytime.)
I need to be in the lobby 10 minutes before five. My flight is at 7:15.. Scheduled time of arrival is 9:40pm. I should arrive home around 11pm -- if I get a transport back immediately, which I hope I would.
I wanna go home, I wanna go hoooome!!

And then, two days off!
Thank you, God!

Nothing much to write. I should get a nap or something. hahahha! (Like I actually would.)

Jauh.

hmm.. yeah.. I never liked distance for too long of time.

I upset myself on the flight back from Hong Kong today. I was cheering to my crews how we're going home.. until I remembered that we weren't actually going home, just to our hotel rooms. bleh.
Ah well.. two more days of this and I'll be home with two days off. Though I'll only see DD for a few hours as he'll start his trip the day after I get back, but I'll take it!

I ran out of things to do here. I even did a bit of laundry in the sink. (The sink is big, I'm telling you -- I LOVE IT!) I miss the comforts of my messy room.
Of course I love that everytime I came back to my hotel room, the bed will be made and the clothes that I tossed on the bed will be magically folded nicely.. but I really miss the apartment. (And my housemates!)
But even if I'm there right now Mimi and Murni won't be there as they are on their trips.

gah! I'm still talking about work here, aren't I?

Nothing much to talk about "life" honestly.
I like the fact that I'm making my own money instead of depending on my charm to get something that I want. I don't feel so worthless and sneaky, in a way.
But I'm having a hard time saving up.. though that's always been a problem of mine.

I do feel like my brain is failing me for lack of things to think about.. and write about. I don't like that. But at least my psychotic bursts have gone lesser now. (Right?)
I like to think that I'm in a good place now.

In BKI again.

I really like Kota Kinabalu.
I love the fact that I keep bumping into people that I know. (Who then introduces me to the people that they know.)
And I'm absolutely in love with the fact that the hotel is close by to EVERYTHING! The jetty (should I wish to hop on a boat to the islands -- which I don't really since I've been to the islands in April,) a mall/complex, a good eating place, 7-Eleven, Burger King and also KFC. hahahha!

I feel.. free, here. I feel comfortable, even, to walk around by myself, as I did earlier.. like this is MY place.
But I believe that I won't love here so much by the end of my trip; for lack of new things to do. hahahha!
I NEED TO MEET MORE PEOPLE!!
Ah well, Mimi's flying here tomorrow so I suppose I'll be hanging out with her tomorrow night.

I know I'm starting to sound really boring..
All I ever talk about these days is work.. or related to work.. or people that I work with.. blah.
So I'm stopping now and hopefully I'll find something interesting to share tomorrow.

Take care, everyone!
Have a good night.

Rhetoric.

Am I not worth the fight?

oh sigh.
I need to write a long letter. Probably when I'm on my 5-days work/trip in Sabah. (Basically for the 5 days I'll be based in KK and fly around.. sleep in a hotel instead of coming back home.)

Been moody these past few days.
DD's been making me crazy.. but not in the good kind. Being moody just doesn't help, honestly. Certain moments I feel like I'm going further and further away to a point where it seems like I might end up alone and bitter when I'm old.
ughh. I really should get a start on that letter.

Focusing on the good now;
the other day I came home to a quest from DD who'd left a note for me to find a red box in my room. (It wasn't hard.) I found the box, and in it was a RED Moleskine! woohoo!! I've always wanted a red Moleskine! ♥
But now I'm having a hard time to actually start writing in it. hahahha!

Nothing much to tell really. I'm finally feeling the tiredness from working. The work itself isn't so tiring, but the fact that I worked for 3 days then one day off then work for another day and today is another day off and tomorrow I'll be working, and there'll be one day off and then 3 days of work.
ughh! nuts.
I need more than just one day off.
I'm getting tired and it's leading me to become moody and distant from my own boyfriend.

APAKAH?!
This isn't the life I intended to live.
This isn't how I wanted to feel.
So.. I NEED MY REST!!

Insatiable.

eh. One day off and then Bangkok and Sibu nightstop.
Not really looking forward to those. Especially now when I'm really sleepy and tomorrow's pick up is at 6am.
(But I enjoy my job, honestly.)

DD's away on a nightstop.. so I'm here in Shah Alam with my family.
Not before I got harassed and groped while on the train, unfortunately.

I was from Midvalley to Central and this.. pervert (which was short that I thought he was a BOY!) pressed his member on my bum. Well, the train was packed and I took not much notice about it (except that his penis was small.. I mean, really.. while he was pressing himself against me, THAT was what I was thinking) and decided to ignore it.
But when the train arrived at Central, and as I walked out, he reached out his hand and grabbed my left BREAST. Okayy! Serious harassment here and I was so shocked that my only response was several elbowing on his chest.. but seriously.. I walked out of the train shaking. Not with shock, not with fear.. but with RAGE.
I shall have nightmares about this -- of how I should've dragged the collar of his neck outside the train and smash his face to the wall and kick his pathetic penis. I should've maimed him. Damn my slow brain.

Damn that bloody pervert. Short.. and short. HAHAHAHHAH!
See.. I told you I laugh at inappropriate things. hahahhaha!
And people tell me to be careful with my passengers once I start working. hahahahhaha!

Anyway, the lesson for the day is that I need to learn to not get shocked so I can smash people's face and private parts when the time calls for it.
hahhahaha!

Have a good weekend, everyone!

Hello!

Have a good Ramadhan to those who celebrates it!

I shall try to not skip any days despite of having to work.
Key word here; TRY.
hehe.


Take care, boys and girls!

ps: My roster for next month is mental!! You shall find me curled up in a ball, crying myself to sleep at the end of September for having to work 5 days straight.

Okay.

So let me tell you about Monday.
I woke up early to send DD off downstairs, then when I went back up Mimi was already awake so we hung out.. had a few smokes.. yap about work and guessing if we'd get called-up during our standby. Then Botak came out of his room and hung out with us..
Then Mimi went to her room to get ready so she could go back to her parents', Botak went back into his room to finish a novel.. I decided to write a rather psychotic letter.. and basically that's how I spent the morning that day.
Until about 3 when I decided that I should take a nap.

While I was sleeping, I dreamt that I was in the terminal.. looking for my aircraft to Penang. Knowing that I have work to do.
I got tired of looking around and thinking Penang.. Penang.. Penang.. so I woke up, the time was 5:30 pm.. decided that I should take a shower since DD should be on the way home. Done with shower in 20 minutes.. put my lazy-clothes on.. combed my hair.. fussed over the clothes that was in a mess on the floor..
And my phone rang.

Caller ID: Duty Exec NB.
ha!
The dude tells me that I have a layover in Penang.
See.. I'm telling you.. my dreams have impeccable instincts. (What does that tell you? When I need to be asleep to be RIGHT. hahahaha!)

I actually love split duties. The load isn't very full.. I get to sleep in a BED.. steal hotel's stationery and laundry bags. (I have no crazy over toiletries..) I guess since I'm still new, I haven't been to any same hotels so everything is still exciting! (Even though they are all starting to look just the same.)

In other news, I've been getting random followers on Twitter. I don't mind them so much.. until they ask me silly questions. Like this one guy who asked me where in Shah Alam do I live in.. then when I answered, he asked me where that is.
Really.. if you don't really know Shah Alam.. or ANY place for that matter, it's kinda lame to be asking for specifics.
(The right way to respond is to say or ask, "is it near... yada yada?" Even if you get it wrong, it would make you seem like you know a bit of the place instead of just asking some question, trying to make some lame conversation -- which I HATE.)

hmm.. I've been hoping to see next month's roster but turns out it isn't published yet. ughh.
And six more days 'til pay day. Double ughhh!
Going to BKI on Friday and will be spending the first Ramadhan on the plane. I hope I'll be able to fast this whole Ramadhan without being tempted too badly. hahahha!

Anyway, I should go get my shower now. Going out with my dad to pick up the kiddies and meeting up the rest of the family at Tony Roma's!
yayy! Good fooood!!
I need it.

Oh! Jakarta was fine btw. I had a good Leading which had made me pretty calm during the whole trip/flight. Nothing much to tell though.

2 off days.

Home in Shah Alam after one whole week away.
I missed the internet.. Needed to do the mountain of laundry.. Missed talking to my sister and hanging out with my dad. (Just saw my mom on Friday.)

I'm really pooped after my split duty in Penang. 3 days on stand-by and I got called-up on the last day. Then when I was there I couldn't fall asleep so yeah.. I'm so pooped that I was told that I snored while I napped earlier.
So not cute.

Nothing much to tell.
I think I'm just too tired to even think of what to write.. so I'll get back to this when I get my brain back.

SD in SIN

Hotel room is fine.
And there's a crew lounge here.. so waheyy!
IN - TER - NET!!
hahahhaha! And here being Singapore.. the connection is NOTHING like the lounge in Miri! hahhahaha!

Nothing much to do, honestly. Nothing's good on telly. I missed the Charity Shield but thank you Encem for letting me know the results.
So here I am.. wishing that there were something else that I could surf around (but there isn't anything that I want to look up!) other than Facebook and.. well, typing this out.

I had a horrible flight the other day.
Like really.. horrible.
One where I almost cried.
I don't really want to talk about it since I've been bragging how "once you get off the aircraft, you'll forget about everything!"
So if I actually write about the whole incident, it'll defeat the whole "forget about everything" thing.
So I'm trying to forget about it. (yes, this one requires some effort to forget.)
I just need to note here that sometimes.. Just sometimes.. it sucks to work with people who don't know you.

Oh! Now I remember that I drew water for the bathtub.
Guess I have something to do after all..
Wish I had something wise to share with you, but I have none. I'm supposed to "wake up" in about 2 hours. bleh.
I'm looking forward to going back home in the morning. Then I get the rest of the day to relax, and the next day off! whee!

And then.. JA-KAR-TA!
Hope it'll be a good trip.
'Til next time, boys and girls.. take care!

He calls me Bunny.

And he brought me Honey.
And it's just funny.
Since all these rhymes with Wanie!

heehee.
I'm in a giddy mood tonight.
As I've mentioned in the last entry, I have FIVE freakin' off days on the first week of August. So I'm back in Shah Alam. Spending my last day and a half of those 5 days. Then I'll be working for 3 days straight (one of it is a split duty -- which is hardly "work", honestly) then an off day and followed by a night stop in Jakarta.
God, I ADORE my job!!!
(Mostly because I haven't got anything to bitch about, really. hahahha!)

Nothing much to tell. I should head to bed and get some more rest while I can get it. So.. goodnight, world!

Oh! 18 days and counting.. hahahaha!

Busy busy bee.

Or so I'd like to think.
I have 5 days OFF on the first week of August, honestly.
As you can witness here, I am blogging, which should tell you that I am home in Shah Alam. hahahha!
Wasn't planning on going home actually but I've been having a cough and a fever that seems to go on and off to its liking. So, surprisingly, I volunteered myself to the clinic despite the fact that I HATE going to the clinic.
I know.. I've changed. hahahahha!
Anyway, just to let you know.. my medical book has lost its virginity, my friends.

The doc gave me a cough medicine that I should take once during the night. I'm assuming that the med would make me sleepy. I got the same prescription for the flu med so.. I'm wondering if I should take them at all tonight considering my pick up is at 5am tomorrow and yes, I didn't ask for a medical leave. (The doc actually offered me and I said "no". hahahha!!)

Honestly, what I need right now is a good long rest and an off day that is no more than one day 'cause anything past that would make me super-rusty at my work. Really, I noticed the other day that once I come home, I really forget about all the shit that happened (I'm just that gifted, I tell you) on board so I am bound to make the same mistakes all over again! hahahahhaha!
It's horrible, I know.
I blame all the times I've bumped my head on the wall.. cupboard.. car top..

Life is good basically.
Only a minor 'situation' where it's only the 4th and I'm dead broke. Alif and I have started counting down the days 'til pay day (21 days!) and really, it's making me miserable. I still have 3 night stops coming up and I have no idea how am I going to pay for my food. Crazy.
I really should take my budgeting seriously next time. hahahha! Like when I say that I've set aside RM100 for every week, I shouldn't have hung out in Coffee Bean, Tony Roma's AND Chilli's in the same week!! WAHAHHAHAH!!

Okay. I'm finally done with my lunch (took me more than an hour!) so I should take the meds for my fever and have a lie down.
'Til next time, take care everyone!