Thursday, November 04, 2010
With all of me..
I better get to sleep soon since I have four hours of flight tomorrow.. Not a fun thing when you're one crew down -- yes, we're in Taipei and we left base with a short of one crew. Some moronic steward went MIA. grrr.
But anyway, my set crew is alright. I'm not having a bad time.. which is good enough for me! (Now who says I'm never thankful? hahahha!)
So practically three days in Taipei.. what did I learn about myself?
Well, I learnt that I am for certain.. capable of blowing my bank account had there been any money in there. Bahahahha! I've always liked Taipei but it seems that I like it more when the weather is cool.
Jackets and boots -- TRUE evils of MY world. eeeeep!!
I also learnt that walking around by myself reminded me of being back in Europe. I don't know.. maybe because of the weather.. the foreign language.. the AWESOME transportation system.. The silliness of walking around town knowing what to get but not knowing exactly where it is so I walked around and around the same block a few times.. hehhe.. I liked it anyway.
I felt like a fool, but what the heck! It's not like anyone knew me out there..
One more thing that I learnt.. Being in Taiwan (not just Taipei 'cause I've thought of this same thing while I was in Kaohsiung) reminds me of my ex. Hahahaha!! It's not that funny really.. but I HAD to laugh because the reasoning seems STUPID. And writing about it would seem even more stupid but anyway.. Taiwan reminds me of my ex because I'm surrounded by Chinese! hahahahha!! And I swear some of the guys here looked like him. HAHAHHAHAHA!! There was a time when I walked around and saw this one guy and I thought; Oh - my - God!
But of course, that random guy didn't kept eye-contact and said nothing when I walked past him so it couldn't be him.
Aaaaanyway, Sylly.. if you are reading this.. I've been thinking about you, obviously. Sorry.
Kinda been wanting to call to say hi.. or something. But he didn't even reply to any of my Facebook messages.. So.. heh. Perhaps you can't really be friends with an ex.
I suppose Arep is just one odd human specimen to still want my friendship. (One more thing I am thankful of!)
I've been thinking a lot about a lot of things of late. Kinda wanted to write about it but I'm not sure I want to actually remember about it in the future.
Ah.. battles in my head.
I should quit smoking.
Wednesday, November 03, 2010
Currently listening to..
So yeah.. I'm Taipei and getting homesick by the minute.
sigh..
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Mini gathering..
Still funny watching Daddy all serious. hahahha!
We basically had a mini gathering there.. Most of our batchmates were there. It was nice seeing everyone all dressed up!
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEis1Sx6znMZsflAIPjIjStJMHJncMBpcrXKmt8abOTyNT7LOcniAeU_VHTihyphenhyphenw_YdzbR7MZ9Xi6TT5R0iTmNAdEmMjrSNU0W9x0qRHJS28QkIEUPAuhKwdnMXjqESay0pp07tEiPA/s320/fourr.jpg)
Okay, I haven't got any complaints so..
That's it for today!
Have a merry married life, Mimi & Hasse!! ♥
Saturday, October 30, 2010
You KNOWW??
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiE8C7742YGKNGSXxilPJPNnmlUHvFrzcB2eiEUYJ_gmJDqR4HAqtwP0OKfLQm2sx1Zb_6j7Nkl4aBspH3hTOx7L1BM-h-ugt_I6xRAQhysRN8IMJHNJsY8Z0DmDsAXFSQPUzpLcA/s320/meowrr.jpg)
I can honestly say that I was nothing but sincerely happy for Mimi and Hasse. I had a good giggle seeing Daddy acting all serious.. hahaha! They really are one of the cutest couple I've met. Two good souls.. I am blessed to have gotten the chance to get to know them..
Now I'm actually looking forward to the reception tomorrow!
I must confess that I am pretty awkward at social gatherings -- which had led me to hide in the car with Alif, waiting for Murni to arrive earlier.. hahahha! We're horrible, and we know it!
But I am really looking forward to tomorrow -- mostly because Encem will be around; so I can hide behind him. HAHAHAHAHAHA!
After the ceremony, Alif and I went to the mall and Arep came to join us. It was nice.. just hanging out with two of my closest guys.
I WAS thinking of calling Arep while I'm on this holiday break but things just kept coming up, so I really am glad that today happened.
I had a good day.. That's what I am trying to say anyway.
My holiday is ending and I can't help but wish that I could have it extended. Although, I need to keep in mind that I need to work to pay my bills and buy myself some nice things. Gah!
Sucks to be thinking of "working" for the money when I had never been that kind of person to begin with.
I hope the good days will keep coming.
Take care, everyone.
(I run of words fast when I'm not whining or complaining about something, I know..)
Friday, October 29, 2010
You don't Poke me anymore..
But I can't help it when you've had two very different ones. I can't help but wonder.. Perhaps I never knew what I wanted after all, and that's why I am never happy.
Okay, even I know that isn't true.
I can feel it in my guts that I am close to the elusive "happiness".. I just need to tweak some little things in my life.
I need to be able to talk again.
There was a time when I had no trouble talking about my feelings; mostly because talking was the only thing I could do.
I've learnt that when your other half is next to you, you tend to get distracted easily. Not a good thing when I am someone who needs to build up a courage to talk about things that matters. sigh.
So anyway.. To be frank, things have been extremely quiet.
I rarely ever talk for the past week even though the voice in my head is practically screaming at me. My heart is hardly numb even though I've been secretly wishing for it to be just that. I've ran out of words to write in letters so I'm getting pretty great at daydreaming.
Mostly about me trashing a place or punching some faces until they became disfigured. Mostly gruesome stuff that involves a knife that I'm beginning to think that this bottled up feelings is like adding fuel to the flame that is my anger issues.
Not speaking out = rage.
Who would've thought?
I am just as emotionally tired as I had been the last time I blogged.
Nothing much have changed really -- just less spoken words. What's the point of talking when the words are just forgettable, right?
I think I am trying to give up trying. I refuse to take responsibility.
Honestly, I need a friend.
ONE particular friend actually. But he doesn't seem to get how badly I need him I guess.
Oh well.. I'll live.. For as long as I can anyway.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Patience is thinning.
Ignorance is your new bestfriend.
Must you call me only when you need something.. or trying to locate someone?
You have left me in this little island on my own and you have the nerve of asking me petty little questions??
Grow up.
Seriously, GROW UP.
I am surrounded by kids, honestly.
Not trying to say that I am THAT mature, but God knows I am not THAT needy too.
ughhh!
I can't find my deodorant and that stupid little thing just brings up a whole lot of dissatisfaction that I actually have in my life. I need to grow up now!
I'm finding solace in music now..
Paramore to be exact. hahahha!
Just enough "noise" I've gotta say. I'm excited that I'll be seeing them perform live tomorrow night. Been hearing sound-checks all day today from across the road. (Oh yes, I live across from the venue!)
I find this funny actually. Remembering hearing Usher's songs when he came to perform a few months ago. A few 'pros' living in this apartment. Cons would be -- TRAFFIC!
Oh.. Am I glad that I was born fickle minded..
badaba badaba ba da..
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Emotion sickness.
Feels like it has come to that in the relationship.
Don't get me wrong, I love my man and I believe that he loves me back just as much. I am crazy about him but at the same time he is driving me crazy.
So.. I'll ignore my feelings so I could ignore him.. somehow.
Perhaps I AM choosing to be miserable. I don't know. But I do know that I only write when I am so it doesn't seem fair to the boyfriend or myself. I suppose if you're an outsider, just stumbling over to this blog.. you would think that I am emotionally inclined to masochism. Or just stupid -- which would be the more "obvious" word.
Last weekend Dida suggested that I see a psychiatrist.
I've always wanted to go but I don't know what's been holding me back. Perhaps just the fact that it will require me to spend money when I fully expect the shrink to tell me something I'd known for a very long time.
Doc: You're cuckoo
Me: Thank you, Doc. Here's your money.
It'd be a waste of money and time honestly. Mostly because I don't TALK much. Not as much as I write anyway. Sure, I can talk about my job.. about my day.. about the cute dresses that I see at the mall.. but NEVER about what I feel.
Stupid defected brain. I shall blame the countless of times that I fell during my childhood. heh. I shall blame everything on my childhood and Freud would be proud.
Anyway.. I need to fix myself. Dida reckons no one could save me from myself -- not her exact words but that's what she basically means. She reckons that I need to fix myself before.. anything, and I agree. I should fix myself.. perhaps only then I could be "happy".. what ever that really means.
Some days I do identify bliss, but some days all I want to do is hide under the coffee table in the living room. It's not particularly spacious, but it's just enough for me to hide from the world. Just the world -- if only I could hide from my thoughts and feelings.
Oh well.. it's half past nine here in Korea. Boyfriend's in Delhi. blablablaa.. In order for me not to think or talk about him, I shall go to sleep. I'm not feeling too well anyway. Between having too much gas from drinking too much Cola and being emotionally sick that I'd cried listening to a song from Camp Rock 2 'cause it hit close to home (I know, WTF!) and over thinking about a scene from Eat, Pray, Love.. I really should get some shut eye. I haven't gotten much of that since I had to wake up for work yesterday afternoon. Damn night flights.
So goodnight, dear world.
Please be gentle to me come morning.
Sunday, October 03, 2010
And Then You..
Then followed by a string of curses, naturally.
A year has passed and I was slightly comforted knowing that I've changed.. somewhat.
But of course, I haven't really....
Just when I thought that I was happy right where I am.. My heart jumped at the first idea that could lead me someplace else.
I am running away again..
Or I want to.
So now I'm sitting here this Sunday morning.. trying to figure out what am I running from exactly.
I am breaking my own heart this time.
And I am not sure if I should voice this out loud. Seems premature to be saying something when I don't know the cause of it. Why should I alarm anyone with this anyway?
Maybe some people are just not meant to linger at one place for too long, right? That it has no underlying psychological meaning or personal trouble behind it, right? They were simply made that way, right?
ughh who am I kidding.
I am a textbook of "underlying psychological meaning and personal troubles".
I am incapable of happiness. Everything is too temporary. My brain is wired to find things to be unhappy about. I accept death too easily simply because I am more morbid than all the people that I know.
Anyway..
Had a pretty good Saturday hanging out with Nina and Dida.
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMmatQHZjiTYwJGUpjpZvGPMgg-gCRTg_fSYIqc-hUgk3daLUTK_Tu8ehR0PrY7O_xL8kJxORw_EXzTuOD64aBBpgtkSlz0rdUVvRH0DbXo1RHK5IMLgif2pqFlDlX7zgd_RKTWQ/s320/instax02.jpg)
I find myself looking.. almost staring at them a bunch of times in the course of one day. Trying to find the words to say to them maybe, but finding none.
My life/head/heart is so messed up that even when I'm surrounded by good people, I just can't give myself away and open up.
I simply couldn't bring myself to take the leap.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
General anaesthesia.
Even odder to be blinking your eyes while you're in a room one second and suddenly be in a different room the next second.
Anyway..
Nothing much going on in my life honestly. Just boring.. Boring.. Boring..
Mostly just one big confusing emptiness.
And I'm tired of talking.. Even writing about this very specific emptiness.. But I couldn't stop thinking about it, so I'm in an endless loop of.. Pain.
No other word to describe it.
Just pure, simple, uncomplicated.. Pain.
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Thursday, September 16, 2010
To age prematurely..
The thing about keeping secrets though, unless you'd forgotten about it, the words said will keep repeating itself in your mind.
Without you wanting it, you'd keep thinking about it.. Over and over again.
Feels like I'm jumping years these past few weeks. It doesn't help that my hair are prone to turn grey at the top part of my head. Sure it made me feel like Rogue of X-Men but having grey hair doesn't bode well with a job where your looks are important.
Not sure if the ages that I've acquired is making me more mature..
To be honest I'd prefer to live in denial and pretence than to face myself at this moment. I keep hoping that I've been dreaming all along.
But I am not.
So I'm forced to face my problems head on.
Which sucks.
And heart-breaking.
I wish I could talk to my sisters about it but I doubt they will just 'listen'. And my current friends are mostly 'kids' who shouldn't be burdened by my troubles. My older friends seems to be too attached to their spouses/boyfriends that the idea of them sharing what I have to say doesn't seem like the best idea. And as much as I love and trust my far-friends.. As much as I do share with them.. They are far from here.
So all I have is myself.. Again.
Ageing twice as fast than the normal speed because I have too much to think about.
And all these things are giving me a lazy-phase about work. I am getting too damn lazy to get out of bed and make myself look pretty when I feel nothing but ugly inside.
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Monday, September 13, 2010
To be lonely.
Just because I can, doesn't mean I want to. Doesn't mean that I should.
I hate it when I am expected to be independent when really.. I shouldn't be left alone.
Is this what I deserve, dear God?
I am simply asking You this question 'cause I need to know. Am I destined to be alone all my life.. For real?
..because I know that no one can live that way. Not really.
So anyway, here I am in Sibu for work.. Chilling in the hotel room with two stewards 'cause I'm promiscuous like that.. Trying to distract myself from the mess that is my life, honestly.
Failing..
But at least I'm trying. Still trying.
I suppose that's something to be proud of.
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Thursday, September 09, 2010
I'm not sure I want to remember this..
But I figured I should live and learn, so I should write about it. I honestly have no idea how I got into such a mess..
Well, of course I know HOW but how did I LET this happen???
Shit, as if I haven't had enough reasons to hate myself already. But honestly I am feeling numb for the most part.
And lonely.
It seems to be a 'normal' feeling for people who are/were in my kind of situation, I heard.
I suppose this was the change that Bestie had mentioned the other day. But I can only feel myself changing. Not sure about Encem, but who knows.. I can't really read his mind.
But I thank God that he is the kind of person who sticks around..
Not that I 'need' him to. I suppose I was always used to the idea of handling every situation on my own. Not saying that it's the best way.. But it's the only way I know.
Speaking of God.. I don't blame Him. I do question Him though.. But not blame. I have myself for that.
He's given me a working brain and yet I put it aside and not use it.
So it's my fault.
Oh well..
It's Eidulfitr tomorrow!!
God, I hope it'll be a quiet one. heehee. No surprises please!
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Wednesday, September 01, 2010
Hello, old feelings.
Maybe "life's" been saving it only for when I am back in my parents' place.
I'm feeling miserable.
To the point where I imagined myself jumping out of the window. I swear I only get this feelings when I'm here.
There is a bad aura here. Or maybe it's just bad connection.
I love my parents..
But there are some things that they do.. That gives me no other feeling but HATE. Pure, uncomplicated HATE.
Which are making me want to leave and never look back.
Actually I've been feeling a whole lot of that lately. Some days I just can't come home -- any home!
Making me wonder how I'd do living in the streets. I don't know.. Maybe living in the streets would be too extreme.
So now I wonder if I live by myself. Having absolutely no one in my personal space.
Will I grow or crumble even worse?
Hmm...
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Monday, August 30, 2010
In CMB.
Just chilling out with Saravanan and Max in the crew lounge.. They're figuring out words for the scrabble game that we're playing while I'm crapping what ever in front of this screen.
It's been a crazy week -- emotionally. I swear I have no idea what's going on with my heart these days. I suppose I should pity the boyfriend for being the usual victim of the situation. Kinda. Sometimes.
But anyway.. I honestly just noticed how crazy my emotions were when last night I cried watching He's Just Not That Into You.
I mean, SERIOUSLY!!
Anyway, I'm feeling lucky to be able to fly here. Apparently we're pretty much the last set of crew to be nightstopping here since the company will only be doing daily flights to MLE and CMB starting September. And we have two days off here! Talk about being blessed. hehe.
The crews are awesome too! We've got SIX "117s" and the rest are just really really nice seniors. heehee.
Thank you, God.
We're flying back home later tonight.
I'm looking forward to going back home. Then FIVE days off!!
Yippeeeeee!
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Ughhhh..
This is crap.
My life is turning out to be a massive piece of shit.
Perhaps I'm a lump of shit myself.. If that is so, I shouldn't complain right? I mean, I'm supposedly surrounded by familiar things!
But probably not.. After all, I am the type of person who gets lonely even when I am in a roomful of people.
Perhaps I should get that stamped on my brain; to not be bothered since I'll always be alone.
What's the point of fussing over things that you can't change, anyway?
I'm tired of talking.
But most of all, I am tired of feeling.
I am tired of wanting for things to change. My heart is getting old.. And it's weary of hoping.
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Thursday, August 26, 2010
My poor sister..
I suppose my emotions are going haywire again..
I swear I wish Encem would just rip my heart out already. I'm crazy tired of feeling the same lousy feeling every other day. Am I addicted to misery?? Seriously. I don't think I enjoy crying.. So why am I still in this stupid relationship?
Yes, that's what I think of it today. Stupid. I'm not in love. I'm not even in lust. So I don't know what I am 'in' really.
Ah, fuck it.
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Sunday, August 22, 2010
To be speechless.
Trying to decipher exactly how I'm feeling.. about anything, right now.
Work had been demanding lately. Or perhaps I am just getting old.
It just felt like I need a vacation now or I'll start hating my "job".
Dark days looms in.
Typical.
And I've hated that since a very long time ago.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Hollow in my heart.
I'm tired of not talking.
But mostly I am tired of talking but not be taken seriously.
Do I need to cry everytime I want to get my point across?
Sigh.
I hate being in limbo.
I hate having an elephant in the middle of the room.
I hate feeling the tension and in no way of solving the problem.
I hate being afraid.
I hate the idea of ending up in the way that I most feared.
I know that I need to talk about this but I can't think of anyone that I can talk to.
I am in a rut. And I am stuck here.
I am.. Clueless.
Hopeless.
But most of all, I am tired. I am so friggin' tired.
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Tuesday, August 10, 2010
KUL, DXB, BEY, KHI
I am hating my life.
I feel like I'm in a rut.
First time I felt like committing suicide because of work.
First time I cried in the aircraft's lavatory.
A much needed emotional-Heimlich was rejected.
I'm glad to be back home.. But I'm not sure if I'm actually "happy" about being "home".
Yeah, I still want to die.
Sorry for the emotional rant. Everything just blows, thanks.
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Wednesday, August 04, 2010
How Maybank changed my life..
I've always wanted a credit card.. Well, I wanted a credit card not long after I owned an ATM card (which happened to be when I was fourteen -- pretty young to have one, for a kid from a middle-class family in Malaysia I would say.)
I don't know.. the idea of spending without having the actual money was interesting.
Then I found out about the debts that could befall me.. which made me re-think about "wanting" to have a credit card.
The idea of spending money that I don't actually have became SCARY, to say the least.
So anyway.. I'm not really into accounts or banking.. or even planning, but a few months ago I decided to open a new banking account with Maybank after yeaaarrs of being loyal to CIMB.
Reason to doing so; just because.
I thought that I needed the second account so I would have a place to put away some money to be saved.
HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!
Right.
The thing about Maybank.. once you open an account, they'll give you an ATM card that also works as a DEBIT card.
And voila! A way to spend the money that I already have, without having the actual money in my hands! Plus, I could also set up my account with Paypal so I could shop online!
So THAT'S how Maybank changed my life.
Is it for the better?
Now let's see.. earlier today I deposited some money into that account, and when I came home I logged on to Ebay, and found myself buying TWO Moleskines!
BAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA!!
In my defense though, buying those online are WAY cheaper than buying them from say.. Borders. Seriously. So in a way, I am saving money here! theehee!
Actually I pretty much just found out that a LOT of things are cheaper when you buy them online. I don't know.. maybe because I'm in Malaysia and the shops here just marks up the prices a LOT.
So anyway.. I think I'm addicted to online shopping now.
Suddenly there are more things on my list of "The Things I Want" now..
Oh well, I'm glad that I have a job -- and lucky enough, I only call it a "job" a few times a month. Most of the days I'm just fooling around, really.
I'm thankful for that.
One more thing I am thankful about;
I am veeerry grateful to have a boyfriend who is a good cook!
Thank you, God!
Time for dinner/supper now.
Sunday, August 01, 2010
..And all I could do is cry.
But when you're a semi-depressed youngest child, those perks would turn into a reason to cry in a matter of moments.
Take this for instance..
I am having a mighty heavy heart about going to work with a runny nose later in the morning. My fever is practically gone, but the flu seems to be sticking around for the time being. A little flu sounds really minor to miss work, but when you're flying.. And your nose is blocked.. The pressurised air will press on to your eardrums and would cause a great headache.
I don't know about other people but I would usually have this one vein on my forehead pulsing with pain as the aircraft descends to land.
No amount of Valsalva manoeuvre can save me from this pain.
So I'd been contemplating about taking the taxi from Bukit Jalil to Shah Alam -- so I could go to my clinic, which I know is open 24-hours and is a panel of my company.
Guess my parents weren't too happy with the idea so they are on their way from Seremban (taking care of Nina's family who are down with a fever -- including Dida) to get me to the clinic right now.
I don't like the idea of my dad driving in the night. And I feel so selfish for making them want to fetch me. I should've just left and tell them AFTER I had seen the doctor.
I am not worth the trouble.. really.
So here I sit waiting.. Crying.. Hating the fact that I am still sickly and lonely and needy!!!
UGHHHHH!! I frustrate myself.
I keep trying to be a better person, be independent.. And yet here I am still needing my parents' help.
I am a grown woman, for God's sake!!
I hate this. I really really hate that I still seem so helpless at times.
I hate being sick. I really hate being sick.
I'd like to drop dead right about now, thanks.
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Thursday, July 29, 2010
I demand recuperation!
1. When "I" say that it's a high fever, it really means high-temperature and not just me being dramatic. People actually do get worried when I have a temperature as I would shiver in a room where everyone else would start to sweat, and;
2. I've been working too hard.
HAHHAHAHHAHA!!!
Well, I don't know about the second part but it really does feel like it. I mean, being in the line of job that I'm in, having the amount of off-days that I get.. I should be able to take several getaways, but I haven't!
I am a nature's person and yet, the last time I was lazing at a beach was a year ago! And the last time I had a proper picnic was in 2007!! Seriously...
So this is what I'm thinking of.. As I am lazing in this chair out in the balcony of my hotel room in Miri.. Looking out to the ocean.. With the trees dancing to the sound of the waves while the sun is setting.
I've missed a lot on LIFE. And God, I really missed it.
Sure, not everyone has got the chance to see the stars at their eye level, or the pretty lights of a city from a bird's point of view.. But I only got to see those from the constraints of a tiny window.
I've missed seeing the big picture. I've missed the pure white clouds over the bluest of skies. The breathtaking sounds of the ocean that simply makes you want to do.. Nothing -- but to just sit there quietly.. Listening...
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrK7PEh9jzjE7ITfNQkndzW4pXBxtX_33dznvfnijWHHAUAEmz5R7CchdOygJ5lYxhKUdD2dqlNpYBAHAo315axJ__-YdK8EsqEFwxzXuaD21JJmpFSQmkWe53QIjjX6rDcryz6g/s320/sunsetmyy.jpg)
I miss everything.
And I need to have those back in my life.
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Tuesday, July 27, 2010
A symptom..?
I was flipping my medical book yesterday and noticed that ever since I started working, I make an appointment with the doctor almost every three months. (An exception to my previous visit which was a month early.)
I haven't got around to see the doctor this time though. I HATE clinics and hospitals. So.. I'm trying to delay this. Hoping that I'll feel better before I need to see a doctor and in the same time break the 'curse' of getting sick every three months. Kinda.
Also, I'm feeling miserable since Encem is away on a four-days trip, so no one is around to look after me.
I'm sad..
No amount of phonecalls can make me feel better.
I need to renew my passport by the 28th of next month and I couldn't find any passport-sized photos lying around. I refuse to take a new picture while I'm sick!! ughhhh!!
I know this is a bit too much of complaining in one morning. I swear I wasn't trying to be annoying..
Anyway, back to being sick. Is there some kind of a disease where the person would get a fever every three months?
I told you that I was hypochondriacal; so the thought didn't fail to cross my mind.
I know that I didn't create the fever from my mind.. Nothing emotional happened every three months.. So I fear that it could be an underlying sickness that shows the symptoms through a fever every three months!
Hahahahaha!
I swear my thoughts are even more ridiculous when I am sick.
Oh well.. I should try and get more sleep...
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Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Wa-heyy!
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvDMxiaDZPAkGCUmslh1NPrr5BOdL8h46LwaZp7dcd1rm7Fp6CS4f2hKOC7xvxP9-gYCSnp3EBzYpXXjQo4azexn5QD_JlGfS_VXDzUXCb3pBVS6FuHVlFZlQqw5AQ9OjNTQZWuw/s320/bbmodem.jpg)
Because we live in a such digital-age..
Thank you Dida for setting this up because I'm simply not as IT-savvy as she is.
I'm bored.
Today is my one day off and I don't feel like going anywhere -- mostly because I am waiting for my package from UPS. (A thought.. I wonder if he'll be wearing the uniform. hmm..)
So anyway..
The UPS guy came!! I have my new toy in my hands now! Yeeehaa!
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBVq0Bpef47peSINnp0XEBsVOt4fA8rvK4rZolPztnQJ7cSxk7XPrXhTWl1hI-5ckPYKdUVsGB9iJbs_HU_-YTNUgHgahAJdf5RhmZfho32VbzKCJafH60PSVGbwnmaUZrObYGrQ/s320/instax.jpg)
Oh this reminds me how I used to have a thing called SAVINGS! bahahahhaha!!
Despite living in a digital age, I still adore old-fashioned photography. Which is why I shall use my next pay to get my Nikon SLR cleaned.
I've always wanted an instant camera. I used to wish that I'd find the film for Mama's old Polaroid that we never got around to use, but anyway.. Now I have my own Instax! It's not at all handy but I'm LOVING it!!
So this makes my list of "The Things I Want" a little shorter. Took me YEAAAARRRSS to struck this one out. (As you could see for yourself, I've been editing my pics on Photoshop so it'd look like it's from an instant camera since February 2008!! hahahha!)
I wish Encem had the day off too so we could walk around and play with the camera. sigh.. Next time I guess. Bestie should come along too!
Oh I'm peckish.
Think I'll go down to 7-Eleven and get something. *giggle*
That suicidal feeling..
The deep, deep desire to turn back the time and forget my need say what I 'needed' to say when what I needed the most is to learn to keep things bottled in.
What was I trying to achieve by saying what ever it was that crossed my mind anyway?
Funny how I knew what would happen, ignored it, and felt surprised when it turned out exactly how I'd thought it would.
I swear, sometimes I am just plain stupid.
I am in a dark place now.
So just leave me alone.
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Thursday, July 15, 2010
I am trying..
Isn't that... Wrong?
Sure, I can't expect anyone to be perfect when I am nowhere close to perfection myself.
But..
I am sad..
I am always sad around this time of the month.
Time and time again I've reminded my guy to love me more when I am feeling sad, but I suppose that may be a little too much of a thing to do.
I feel like disappearing.
To go away without a word and never come back. If there had been a door to a different dimension, I would've gone there. Who would miss me, it wouldn't matter.
Life is good.. The things or people who hadn't been good do not matter to me.
But around these times, I keep feeling nothing but sad.
Intensely sad.
And I'm thinking about another guy..
Wondering if I'd feel just as sad had I been with him..
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Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Anniversaire Heureux..
It's been one year that I've been flying..
Congratulations Batch 09/09 for sticking around! It's amusing to think about the first day in training.. The Cherating trip where we studied for our safety exam because we rocked like that.
So anyway.. It's been a year! *pats self on the back*
Also.. Today marks a year that I've been with Encem. (He picked the date, anyway.) I must say that we fight a lot -- to the point where we decided not to go to Midvalley together because we always end up fighting when we go there. But I'm glad to say that after one year, we still have the hots for each other..
I had completely forgotten about this blog's anniversary last month! Eight friggin' years!! I swear it's the longest relationship I've ever had..
I know that just shows how demented I really am.
Oh well..
So anyway.. It's been a year. It's been sweet, it's been great.
I am feeling nothing less than mushy right now but I don't think this is the best place to express all the ooey-gooey things that I'd want Encem to know; since he rarely ever reads this blog. So..
It's been a year.
Just letting you know.
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Monday, July 12, 2010
#crewlife
Last night I fell asleep halfway through the Nederland and Espana World Cup Finals.. Because it was too quiet here in my hotel room.
In Jakarta.
I wish I was with with my friends.
I wish that I was with Encem.
I didn't feel like socializing with my crew.. ughh!
I woke up at 6 this morning.
Hardly three hours of sleep. And I had wanted nothing else but to talk to my guy but that isn't really smart - financially. sigh.
So I get homesick. Sometimes.
It's no fun.
I want to get home soon.
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Thursday, July 08, 2010
About THINGS..
It's terrible!!
I'm hoping not to be a shopaholic, but I'm afraid that I might turn into one.
I know I spend a lot on food, but that's just how I've been brought up honestly. When it comes to food -- it's okay to splurge! Even if that means going to Sakae Sushi three times in two weeks!
Bahahahahha!!
Okay, that is probably too much. But I can't help it! Dida and Encem had only recently 'accepted' sushi so now I can eat MORE sushi! Previously the only Japanese food they'd eat were teppanyaki and Pepper Lunch! Oh.. tempura too but that's not too exclusive to the Japanese, is it.
So anyway.. I forgive myself for wanting to have good food all the time. Even if those expensive, delicious yummies will turn into poop in the morning.. It's worth all the trouble. (Work to get the money.. Money spent on gas/transport/parking space..)
But when it comes to things.. I feel guilty spending on those. So I feel bad about wanting things.
For instance, I just ordered a Fuji Instax 210 online. Sure, I've been wanting some kind like a polaroid for yonks.. (You have no idea!) But earlier, a guy from Mooks told me that the Diana F+ can produce instant pictures as well with an add-on. But seriously, if I buy a Diana F+ without the extra lenses.. It'd be such a 'waste'.. Which made me consider getting the Diana F+ Deluxe Kit that Bestie had wanted so badly some months ago. (But I told him that it is too damn expensive comparing to the pay that we get..)
Which is true.
But!!
Damn it! Damn Bestie and his jelly lense for his Digital Harinezumi that made me want a fisheye! Rawrr!!
So..
Instax *for now* or just go for the darned Diana F+ Deluxe Kit then buy the damned Instant Back?
Gahhh!!
I hate thinking about spending money! Especially since I can't really be sure if I'll get bored of the things that I buy in one month. *Ponders about the closetful of dresses that I bought but haven't worn much due to a lack of occasions*
Sigh.
And I still want that Mukka Express.. (Still seems fun to play with!)
And I haven't even started saving on a pair of Christian Louboutin's. (Supposedly my goal for my 25th birthday..)
And I want to travel -- for holiday, and not just for work.
Oh sigh.. In a way, I'm glad to be fickle minded and have a quite logical mind. I know that I won't spend as much as I want to at the moment.. but it's good to rant about it anyway.
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UPDATE!
I am definitely NOT getting a Diana F+! yayy! Too much hassle if you ask me as it uses a 120mm film. ughhh! I've seen that crap. It's hard to work with and I bet I'll be too lazy to practice to become a pro at it.
Oh I don't know.. I just need to get my hands on an Instax soon for me to shut up, really.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Late night WK.
Which then led me to want a coffee grinder. And after weeks of looking around I noticed that the only ones sold in KL are made by Krups and DeLonghi. I wanted one that was straight-forward.. nothing fancy.. Tried looking online but I was afraid of being disappointed so I settled for DeLonghi's yesterday.
The same day, I bought coffee beans from Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf; Java Espresso and the Caramel Vanilla because Encem shoved the bag to my nose and it smelled so damn nice!
Then we head home.. Picturing myself making a pot of coffee.. Taking a break from rearranging things in the new apartment.. Coaxing Encem to stop cleaning and have a cuppa with me..
And Encem broke my thoughts by saying; "we don't have a kettle.. So - no coffee.."
Damn it!!
Good thing we haven't reached home then.. Alif was driving us through the traffic so we made a detour to Carrefour!
Okay, so this story has nothing to do with WK -- but I promise you, I'm getting there!
The first thing I did when I got home was make a batch of caramel vanilla coffee.. And just now Encem requested for the espresso. SO! We are now at Marvina's Corner and watching the Espanol - Portugal match!
I don't like the crowd, by the way. The 10pm-match crowd are by far better than this. Which is why I am blogging -- instead of actually watching the game. Heh.
Oh, and at the moment, Encem's outside smoking.. And making friends with the guy that works here. Typical!
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Friday, June 25, 2010
Airplanes..
But all I could think and feel right now is how foreign I am at the moment.
And it's raining in this land..
I came home from flight yesterday seeing that a bunch of my things are already gone.. Moved.. Room empty except for my cluttered IKEA foldable table that I use as a dressing table. Bookshelf gone.. Dresser, gone..
Suppose I should commend Encem for doing a good job moving all those things out but all I'd felt was an intense hollow.
I was sad seeing everything gone. Encem wasn't around.. Home was just four walls with a roof.
It was a cold, empty shell and I couldn't help but feel a pang in the heart.
So I changed from my uniform, and packed the knick-knacks that was left behind.. And waited for Encem to get back.
We had dinner, moved the rest of our things with two trips.. And said goodbye to Green Avenue Condominium.
Hello, Arena Green Apartments.
I shouldn't complain since all my things are here.. And there's a balcony!
I should be excited about the balcony but all I could see in my head now is how dark and empty my bedroom in GAC looked as I walked past it through the hallway..
As it had looked the first day we moved in there..
The first day..
Before everything..
Before Encem and I was Encem and I..
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcv9KX-Km3LL0cUdhO8SBgi_0Dzp_s7UDnmSaa7JMov5I0K4peWHAhRfHLUvCCl_gPOcyRClriD9DjHPHdNBi7Jua4tVdyys1BKcj660QrSNaKugmR-nBMeQQcu1dRtBHTPAPFAQ/s320/window.jpg)
Sure we're still together anyway.. But no more peeking from the bedroom window at the sound of the wheels of our trolley bags on the tiles..
No more Bestie calling our names from the hallway..
No more goodbyes to our friends from that bedroom window..
So I'm sad.
This land I'm in is foreign. The noises are foreign. And Encem is flying through Manila...
I need a hug..
And also a shower since I'll be flying to Dhaka in a few hours.. or maybe I should save that until I return in the morning? Hahahahahha!
Oh well.. I'm sad. That's all I have to say, really..
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Sunday, June 20, 2010
If I marry..
I would imagine it would be for the "right" reasons;
Love..
For the most of it anyway.
To procreate would be a blessing, considering one would want to procreate with the person you love. I assume that it's a natural feeling.
Monetary stability is a bonus.
I wasn't brought up to depend on my future spouse in this area. In my head, when it comes to superficial matters, it is best to be independent.
But anyway, I hate thinking about marriage from those view points. To be honest, marriage seems a bit unnecessary to me so to be "lawfully" entwined as if I actually cared about it in the first place would require an excuse that is just as illogical or cannot be explained -- like "LOVE".
So..
It upsets me when I hear someone giving a reason to why they should marry.
It should just be about love.. That you can't imagine your days without her. That you want to always come home to her. And if a stupid license/paper would stop other people from nosing about how you spend your nights, then let's have it!
And not about what you can accomplish once you're married...
That is just.. Stupid.
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Saturday, June 19, 2010
8:30am - 5:30pm
It's a nightmare, I swear to God!
A slow and aching nightmare!
I am more than glad that I'll be finishing my conversion class next week!!
2 weeks.. 5 exams.. My brain may be too old for study-books and my body is no longer accustomed to routines; such as waking up at the same time every single morning.
How can anyone do it.. I have no idea. I became even more lazier everyday!
Next Tuesday I'll be doing my first test-flight to Manila.. Wish me luck!
Exams don't scare me as much as the actual work does. You know how some people are book-smart while some are street-smart?
I am always worried of the social part of everything! Working in this line, getting along with everyone is crucial. And on the Airbus, you'll have SIX extra people that you need to get along with! Ughhh..
Scary..
Encem worried me today by failing one of the two exams we had.. sigh.. I hate how careless he gets sometimes.
I'm sleepy....
I'd wanted to type more but I can barely keep my eyes open anymore. So.. I'll catch you guys later..
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Sunday, June 13, 2010
Let's say..
Which is why aku asyik tanya kau jugak la kenapa orang tu panggil kau bangang. I don't know.. To get the story straight kot. Senang sket bila aku nak cita kat orang lain yang haritu ada orang panggil kau BANGANG!
Kan?
Aku dah takde idea sangat nak cita ape, so aku kenela cakap pasal kau dipanggil bangang haritu.
Thanks.
Thank you so much for understanding me oh so perfectly you idiot jerk!
Do not apologize when you don't even know why you're sorry. It's meaningless and absolutely pointless! So save your breath. I already hate you for this.
Fuck.
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Saturday, June 12, 2010
Dear Boyfriend,
I am trying my best not to be all too cranky with how the day is turning out. I'd wish we could spend the day together but I should let you do what ever that makes you happy, and yes, I understand the bit where you've missed waking up at what ever time perfectly.
Oh well, I should stop being too clingy anyway.
So, Happy Birthday.
Hope you'll enjoy the rest of your 24th year as well..
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Thursday, June 10, 2010
If I could have one wish..
Would everyone be better off?
Do I really make a difference?
Sometimes I feel like I am the anchor to the lives of the people around me; the one person that manages to hold the ships stuck to one place.
Yeah... So I'm feeling low.
I want to be taken out of the equation. Just get lost and never return..
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Wednesday, June 09, 2010
I should be studying.
I think I'm PMSing.. Mostly because I've been pretty easily upset these days. I mean let's face it, I'm not the chirpiest bird around but I'm not the kind who mopes around either. (I save those times for when I'm in my bed.)
I don't really have anything much to blog about but for the sake of distracting myself from actually reading my chocolate-brown manual, you'll just have to bear with me at this moment.
I think my memory is failing me even more than usual these days. Dida theorize that it may be the effects of my exposure to constant smokes.
Errr...
I do plan on quitting. When exactly, I don't know. I figured that I am surrounded by smokers anyway, it's going to be tough so I haven't bothered trying. Hahahaha!
Although I should have a stock of Taiwan's Marl-Lite at hand; since it's so light, I managed to slow down as smoking had lost its purpose -- as if there had been one!
Anyway... It's just something to do. Some people drink, I smoke. But perhaps I should take up drinking since I don't drive anyway..
Bahahhahahahahahaha!!!
Funny how I find myself wanting to explain why I said what I said to people whom don't know me well for fear of being misjudged.
And funny how I keep telling people, and myself that I don't give a rat's ass about what they think of me.
Even funnier is why I wanted to be accepted so badly sometimes -- so I could have an easy ride through life.
But honestly, if I can't say what I want to say.. but I say it anyway, and be misjudged by the people whom don't even know whether I was being serious or simply jesting.. I really shouldn't care of their thoughts of me.
The idea of me being someone else for the sake of superficial happiness.....
Ughhh!!
I can't continue ranting about this. Simply absurd.
So sometimes I'm nutty, sometimes I'm serious.. But most of the time I am just kooky. Love me more when I'm PMSing 'cause that's when I'm easily stuck in my own world. What ever I am at the moment.. I am worthy of love.
Sometimes I fear of being branded as having an "attitude problem", but I should be able to say my mind and so do others. Their failure to say it back is THEIR attitude problem!
Hahhahhahaha! Right?
I think I'm having a surge of abstract thoughts that I'm not sure if anything I've said even relates.
Oh well.. You'll live. Click 'Next blog' if you must.
My clouds are a light shade of gray.. I am in that phase where I am creating troubles in my mind.
I don't know.. Feels like Snow Patrol lyrics right now;
Those three words are said too much, they're not enough..
So I'm needy and clingy and what ever you may call me. I deserve to be loved anyway, so suck it!
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Sunday, June 06, 2010
Looong weekend.
I got three days off after a three days trip with one of the silliest set of crew I've ever had. They were so much fun, we'd wished that it hadn't been just a three days trip. Sad.
Anyway, been spending this past three days in Seremban.. Getting in touch with my family in a way.
But I've always been detached anyway so you can't make me feel any less awkward.
Izzati had lost a few teeth since I last saw her.. Farhana still has that healthy yet slightly worrying appetite.. And Aqilah managed to call me "Aney", which then followed by Dida saying; "roti telur satu!"
Sigh.
I'm bored..
And it's hot over here.
I miss my dark bedroom and its smell.
The door of our (mine and Dida) bedroom here just locked itself for however reason. Sucks big time.
And to top it off, I miss Encem though I probably shouldn't. After all, I'll get to see him everyday for the next three weeks since we're going to have our conversion class together.
Ughh.. Back to MAA. I have no idea how to wake up at the same time every single morning. Not anymore anyway. My body has gotten used to non-routines!
Traffic.. Sitting the whole day.. Same food in the cafeteria.. Ick!
Okay, I shouldn't complain too much. For all I know, I could be enjoying the time I'll be having!
Although, I wish it wouldn't be as long.. I like flying! And the allowances! Hahahaha!
Worries me a bit that I'm planning to move out at the end of this month. So many things to do before the month ends! And Encem's birthday is next weekend!!! Eeeep!!
Damn Gemini.. ughhh!
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Friday, May 28, 2010
BDO Millionaire
Monday, May 24, 2010
S06E21
But maybe a little less compared to while I was PMSing. But still.. the way that I'd felt.. and still feel really, it's Season 6.. Episode 21.
I don't want to be afraid of what I can or cannot say.
And I don't want him to feel that way either.
But he doesn't seem to get it!
Seriously.
How can you imagine your life.. living with someone whom you're afraid to talk to for the rest of your life? Is that the person who he wants to marry??
Someone whom he can't bring himself to talk to for fear of hurting their feelings??
Am I such an unreasonable person to be frustrated with this?
I am.. inevitably miserable in this relationship.
But my life without him would suck just as bad without him around.
I don't know how I can win in this. We're like doing this crazy little dance that's only wearing us out. Or maybe we are bullfighting.. where he is the matador, and I am the bull who will eventually die in his hands.
He doesn't seem to get that.
He can't see what he's doing to me.
He won't see it.
And I don't know what else I can say to him.
I'm tired of talking. I've said too much.. while he doesn't say anything back.
I've been talking to a wall.
All day.. all night..
He tells me that I think too much. That I made myself the way that I am.
But the truth is.. this non-talking crap is only making me build a thicker wall around myself.
I am stranded.
And unsurprisingly, there is no one who will save me.
I have no one to talk to..
My best friend thinks that I'm too clingy.
My sister thinks that I should find another.
And I can't trust my own judgment 'coz honestly, all I want to do is die rather than feel my own heart ache.
My heart aches. Every single damn day.
Every freakin' second I look at him.
All we keep doing is avoiding. Well, he does that actually. I'm the bull that keeps charging. He avoids.. then pierces me with the sharp poles.
All the more reasons to make me think that I am not the one for him.
Obviously.
He won't talk to me.
So I don't know what we're doing anymore.
Waiting for either one of us to change perhaps.
But I think I'll bleed to death before that ever happens.
I don't expect love to be easy.
But I don't expect that I'd cry this much either..
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Sedih hati aku memang kau tak pernah tahu
Sometimes it feels as if you're just a friend for fun, but never the friend in need.
Then I'd try my best to stop thinking that way because that only amplified my neediness. But is it so wrong to need you?
Maybe it is.
So can someone please teach me how to not need another person?
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Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Loneliness isn't funny.
It had seemed that I've become more needy the longer we are together..
I have a theory for that. Though I'm not sure if I want to blog about it..
Then a few days later, I made a comment about something and Bestie asked if I was PMSing.
Not exactly the theory I had in mind but I suppose that works too. Everything in life basically sucks even worse when I'm PMSing. Bloody hormones.
It irks me to think that I've never been 'homesick' even the slightest before this.
I've changed. I don't think that it has changed in a good way.
Sigh.
As Bestie had said it while we are driving along Shah Alam.. I need to stop being so clingy.
And he's right.
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Saturday, May 15, 2010
Lazy Saturday.
Monday and Tuesday off, and the rest three days of the weekdays were spent at the training school in Kelana Jaya.
So happens my licence were expiring next month so 'they' rostered me to renew it a month early.
I had the Crew Resource Management recurrent with Encem and Luqqy so it was just fine. A bit annoying actually.. What with Encem and his 'professionalism'. I don't think I like that one bit but I suppose I'll just flow with it for as long as I can take it. Perhaps one day he'll see me being totally unprofessional with other stewards and then he gets it.
I mean, seriously.. He could come off as cold sometimes! Professionalism, my ass!
Anyway, the CRM class was draggy but the captains who attended that session were a hoot! So fortunately, there were some parts where I was happily entertained -- the other parts just made me sleepy.
My Safety recurrent on Thursday and Friday were pretty much uneventful. But I loved spending my mornings and evenings with Bestie! Been a while since we last hung out so it was really nice. I'm glad that his conversion class is basically over so I'll get to see him more often again.
Oh and by the way, I passed my exam so I'm free to fly for another year!
And now it's Saturday -- a lazy Saturday since I'm staying home with no plans of going out what so ever. Encem left for a four-days trip and tomorrow I'll be flying to Kaohsiung. So I should rest. I like KHH.. I just wish that the flight wouldn't be sooo long.
Anyway, I hope there'll be someone who would want to go out with me and shop a little. heehee
'Til next time then, take care everyone!
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Saturday, May 08, 2010
Must - not - cheat.
Perhaps it would sound better to say that I musn't run.
'Cause that's what I do.
And in all 'fairness' I'd do something equally distracting but not quite to the same magnitude.
I'm tired..
Tired of being so angry all the time.
Tired of talking to walls.
Am I the only person on Earth who FEELS?? gahh!!
Somebody please rip my heart out.
I'll just shut down now.
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Friday, May 07, 2010
The Only Exception.
It isn't hard...
Could someone please let the fact that every little stupid thing I do are mostly for Encem into that thick head of his??
Alif? HELP!!
Imagine my frustration when I was trying my best to sing him that Paramore's song while playing the guitar.. And he decided to 'join' me by playing the drums on his computer!!
The asshole.
Trying to be romantic and sweet is futile with a child. I wonder why I even bothered.
It's like.. He deliberately refused to listen to what my heart is saying. With all the racket from that stupid drum beats.
Stupid!
And I can't talk to stupid right now.
Stupid, silly child.
I've really had enough of tears this week, please.
I'm feeling like that tiny satellite that's drifting away into the universe..
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Thursday, May 06, 2010
Hey you..
"What is it? My dear?"
"Ah, how can we bear it?"
"Bear what?"
"This. For so short a time. How can we sleep this time away?"
"We can be quiet together, and pretend -- since it is only the beginning -- that we have all the time in the world."
"And every day we shall have less. And then none."
"Would you rather, therefore, have had nothing at all?"
"No. This is where I have always been coming to. Since my time began. And when I go away from here, this will be the mid-point, to which everything ran, before, and from which everything will run. But now, my love, we are here, we are now, and those other times are running elsewhere."
***
-- A. S. Byatt, Possession
And so I thought of you...
Encem bought me The Time Traveller's Wife.. Why? I'm not sure. I can't help but guess that it was out of guilt. He probably felt bad for the way I've been feeling recently so he decided to get me something, and knowing me.. A book would be perfect.
And being almost-perfect, he got me THAT book.
I'm loving the read so far.
But I keep relating Encem to Henry when they are not exactly alike.. Not genetically anyway.
I can't be quite sure whether they are really similar or I'm just hoping that Encem loves me as much as Henry loves Clare..
I do hope that his world revolves around me but the truth is he's the world and I'm the tiny satellite that floats around him.
Which is probably the biggest reason why it's so easy for me to get upset by him. As my feelings for him are intense, any little-wrong thing he does intensifies. It's a win-lose situation really..
The hazards of being in love with someone who knows not of moderation or middle grounds. He has to put up with my 'nothing or everything' crap every single day.
Though everytime somebody plants a seed of suspicion towards him I'd respond with nonchalant, saying that I would have no trouble leaving.. I know that I would leave feeling devastated.
So what's the point of this entry?
I don't know... Maybe to tell you that I'm very much still in a relationship. (Hafiz! LOL) Maybe to tell you that I'm still all clouds even when in love. Maybe to tell Encem that I'm a sucker for his love. That no matter who I'm having lunch or dinner with, it's still him that I think about. Or maybe the damn novel is simply turning me into a bigger mush than I already am.
What ever the real point is, I can't help myself from thinking about Henry and Clare...
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Saturday, April 24, 2010
Fucking frustrated!
I am so tired of feeling tired, it'd be the death of me.
I can't keep reaching out into nothingness. I can't keep having my heart stabbed again and again.
I can't keep expecting you to come by and save me.
I just can't keep waiting.
And I can't seem to talk to you, which is the hardest and most painful thing about this part.
I can't talk to you 'cause I simply don't know how. And it hurts me so to have a bunch of things to tell you but not being able to convey what I really mean.
I'm tired.. And I'm sad..
But you don't seem to get it.
So I give up.
I give up trying when I don't see you even trying to give a damn.
So I give up.
I'm giving up on writing too.
Nothing personal from now on because I am just too freakin' tired making a fool of myself..
Your ignorance is your bliss alone and how lucky you are to not see the hell that I'm living in.
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Friday, April 23, 2010
Me and my heart
Sometimes I don't think I know what I want.
You know that quote; the person who makes you cry is also the person who makes you smile..
Yeah.. Fuck the asshole that made me smile in the first place. I should be left to myself being numb.
If the person is going to make you cry anyway, why bother making you smile really?
It's annoying.
mmph.. You should know that I only meant those half-heartedly. I'm annoyed. I don't know.. Seems like it's all I am these days.
Q: How would you describe Wanie?
A: Annoyed.
Of course 'the person' is only capable to make you cry because he/she meant something in your life.. a somebody. Hence the reason the person would know what would make you smile.. yack yack yack
I suppose you could expect a more frequent blog update from now on.. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad one.
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Wednesday, April 21, 2010
I am sad..
I was happy to see that Puyen was one of the crews in the set.
Even when the leading gave my working position as a "galley steward", I was fine knowing that my sifu was there. Fine and calm.
A bit excited even!
Honestly, this set of crews are one crazy bunch.
Loads of fun.
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtHkLG-DQNIXwU9SRmo1eWJKScqoz3OOTOn4maF8qZBYqE-v_0wWiQwv_Hxq0_J84SwlKkI7X2SblQBwoa-ihVsny_gO3AiepTbNn1CSvCMEhRwhczpP86WOOqI6BDMnQ5PhWmwQ/s320/sett.jpg)
But now that they've all gone to their room and their beds.. I can't help feeling sad over the fact that here I am.. by myself.. sleepless.
Yeah, I'm lonely.. and feeling mighty insignificant to the person who is significant to me.
Not that he's done anything wrong, I know that.
But I can't keep feeling this way sometimes.
I know that I ask a lot sometimes. But I really just can't help it.
I wish I could help it.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Marriage.
When I'm with my dad, I'd get all excited and cheeky just to tease him.
When I'm with boyfriend.. total disgust. Okay, not every single time I did that. Maybe seven out of ten. hehe
Suppose I still feel so.. small, to actually care for someone. Of course, when I say "small" I wasn't referring to my size but my emotional capacity to care for anyone else but myself.
ughh.. I keep having mixed feelings about the idea of committing. Perhaps it's just how I was made. I love the idea of marriage as I love to romanticize things, but to be actually in it is a whole different thing.
If it were up to me, couplehood, here we goooo! bahahhahaha!!
What if I realized somewhere along the years that I made a mistake?
What if HE realizes that he'd made a mistake??
What if I was blissfully unaware of his indifference towards "us" until the day that he decides to call it quits?
gah! I'm scaring myself again.
But my point is.. I don't like to settle (and refuse to) and I wouldn't want my partner to settle with me either if he knows it in his guts that somewhere out there.. the perfect person for him is sitting in a park.. waiting for him to walk by.
The idea is just.. sad.
I don't want either of us to be too quick to jump into conclusion and settle.. then ended up being too late to pursue our true soulmate.
blah.
I blame boyfriend for telling me the story of a girl he waited for before we knew each other. I guess even after 9 months, I can't quite shake off from wondering; "what if?"
What if one day they bumped into each other in a supermarket?
What if she got on a plane while he was working?
Does she ever cross his mind?
Yeah.. well.. I'm hormonal. I have an excuse for making a fool of myself.
ughh.. I need to get to Bukit Jalil soon so I can have Encem distract me from saddening thoughts. blah.
Being "high maintenance".
Well, it's becoming less and less odd.
Suppose I could put myself in the third category.
I've been having posting crazy tweets recently and it's all thanks to Encem, really. I've been so crazy that I'd accidentally sent a crazily emotional text that was meant for him to my brother in law instead. Stupid silly phone.
I've been crazy. Fullstop.
Should've known that I was PMSing.
I get crazily depressed when I'm pre-menstruating.
Of course I don't *just* blame myself since he *did* stroke a nerve at some point but I get the blame for being all dramatic and taking things too hard.
sigh.
I wish I could say that I am a low maintenance gal, but that would be a lie.
I need my guy to spend as much time that he can with me. I am that needy.
I'm down with a flu.
Not a great thing to get when you're rostered for standby from 3am to 11am. That's the busiest standby slot, really. Lots of flights going out in the morning. I took my second MC yesterday.
Two MCs in the course of one whole year with the company. *pats back*
I am proud of myself. A little saddened by the MCs to be honest, but still proud. I've been committed to work-life for a whole year.
Been friends with my current friends for a whole year. And they've been good to me.
I am thankful for all these blessings. Yes, I do consider them as blessings even as I whine about them.
I've been lucky.
Plus, I have an amazing support system that comes in the form of my family. My sisters especially. Though they speak the ugly truths sometimes but most times, it's what I need.
Can't keep having my head floating in the clouds with my eyes on the stars.
They really do hold my feet firm on the ground.
And, Dida got me my Blackberry. hahahhaha! Well, she didn't buy it for me per se as I promised to fully pay her back in time. But thanks to her, I have no crazy "wants" at the moment. No distractions.
Anyway, I should take my meds and head to sleep. I need this runny nose to go away before tomorrow night.
So goodnight, dear readers.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
5 Things..
2. feeling unaccomplished
3. to be truly alone
4. to be lied to/cheated
5. being pregnant when I am not prepared
The five things that I am most scared of at this moment.
To be honest, number FOUR is the one thing that I am most scared of at this very moment.
I am.. so damn scared of this for some reason.
I suppose I've been having some crazy thoughts lately. There is no reason for it, really. It's just crazy thoughts.
I guess I've been reminding myself to not count the chicks before the eggs hatch.
I've been.. comfortable, if I may say so myself.
Too comfortable that it got me nervous.
You can't teach old dogs new tricks.
And I have spend all my life having my guard up all the time. So I am scared now.
Scared shitless.
Alright, I don't really want to talk about this. Really.. I don't really know what to talk about it. It's no fun to be scared by a possibility.
Stupid.
Anyway, you know what's one more thing I'm scared of lately?
The aircraft just about to land. Few weeks ago I experienced a pretty bad landing, where it bumped real bad.. I guess it's giving me some kind of a trauma. It didn't exactly hurt or anything like that.. My entire life didn't flash by in a matter of seconds..
But I was shocked. Just wasn't expecting that bad bump. Hated it. I really hated it.
I hate not being prepared.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Harroo!
So here's what's been happening since I last blogged;
Dida, Awif, Encem and I went to the Formula 1 Grand Prix in Sepang..
Where Schumy waved at us when he had to retire from the race because something went wrong with his car.
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuQLb8tSUN0pN81OCqCo6p7z1lXjswvhg0rFKS14dpa7526xYjYrmva17drqdjNxqIq9VXcnEgyZ8Bh_0g36UxbOhu4Elacnb1DaDqpie8559fpR5m1fuIbnAkWuC9olUsLcJuUQ/s320/f1.jpg)
I've been to Medan (just the airport, of course!) where the catering people there sells food items like their local fruit, peanuts, kek lapis, nasi padang, guava.. I ended up spending RM40 there. RM40 during a transit time that was less than an hour!! Really.. that was one heavy spending.
Other airports I've been to were Penang, Alor Setar, Langkawi, Kuching, Miri and Terengganu.
Yes, I'm a frequent traveller. *cringes*
My body has been aching for a good long rest.
Today is another ONE off day. Then I have another four straight days of work.. aaand.. THREE DAYS OFF! God knows how much I've been looking forward to that day. I promised myself that I would sleep for as long as I can manage. heehee.
Saturday, April 03, 2010
The one you want.
I have this belief that when you want something, you will go and get it.
Doesn't matter what you have to go through to get it; when there is a will, there is a way.
But that's exactly what it comes down to.
Your will.
Nak tak nak je.
Even if there is fate, YOU are always the one who controls your steps; the paths you lead.
So.
I'm just saying.. if you want something, you'll do everything that you possibly can to have it. But I am not seeing it.
So I am getting a little worked up over it and beginning to feel sad.
I don't ask for a detailed plan here, babe. I just need a rough idea.
Let me in on that rough idea please.
I want what I want what I want.
Thursday, April 01, 2010
Tired.
Tired from work.
Tired from emotional stress for just having the same old arguments.. yet again.
Tired from not sleeping in your own bed for the past three nights.. (Not counting tonight as I am still in BKI.)
I am having one of the best times on this trip though. I have the wackiest set crew I've ever flown with, it's just awesome -- work trip wise.
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOrz5M_FiOrWc2o-wPY-FUlYyZXx8mEHE8buXhsvNPSMET2O7SkHlKHviuHvX36PDShPRnfMTEznPBK86FWNFbjKKTIodbZXdfRLU7nB6KyRQ0UjGHcjRCHbRLp_GE8jFf9fvSBQ/s320/gilok.jpg)
But the sectors are crazy.
I can't wait to be home.
I'm already planning for the weekends.. (waxing on Saturday and F1 on Sunday? yippee!) I need to coax my sister into joining me for that Saturday thing though.
Emotional wise though.. I am starting to feel like I am not worth the fight again.
Seems like all the boys that had ever wanted me just didn't want me enough to fight for me.
Whenever an IDEA of another guy comes into the picture, they would.. be FINE with it if the man could make me happy. It's a stupid excuse, really. They'd be upset, yes. But never upset enough to throw a tantrum or be mad with the passion to make me stay.
Just note, boys. Girls wants to feel wanted.
That's why we like the 'big gestures'. We need to know just how badly you guys wanted us. Not need us, but a big.. desperate.. WANT. (Because to 'need' means that you have no choice but to have it. To 'want' would mean that you CHOOSE something over the other. That's how I see it anyway.)
To quote Cheryl Cole; "if it's worth having, it's worth fighting for."
I am fighting for my freakin' life every single day (except for the moments when I light up a cigarette though. haha!) but benda bangang macam ni always makes me feel like NOTHING is ever worth it.
No point to life, you know.
Or perhaps I am just not bright enough to shine in your spaces..
Monday, March 29, 2010
Hello, KCH..
The last time I was here (the crew room), I was shouting like a mad woman to Huda and Jeffrey about the crazy tag-team thing they had going on while playing Monopoly.
That was fun.
Anyway, today's the first day of my 5-days trip. Three nights in Kuching, the final night in Kota Kinabalu. Crazy sectors are coming up so I better not let myself stay up way past midnight.
I was reading Coelho's Like The Flowing River on the way up here and one of his little thoughts/stories caught my attention like it had been the first time I read it. (I tend to forget things..)
I should read that bit more often.
Perhaps I'll share it with you in my next post. (Maybe tomorrow.. just maybe.)
Boyfriend is in CGK and naturally, no text.
I'd love nothing more than to text him first had he been the kind of person who would actually reply them, but he's not. Not when I expect him to anyway, so I choose not to text him at all -- until he does.
Sometimes I feel like I'm having a conditional love.
I've set rules of things not to do with him.
I don't feel that it's right but it's self-preservation, really.
I'm simply trying not to feel like I'm having an unrequited love instead.
I know.. I get too sensitive and emotional sometimes. But that's just how I feel.
To love a person so much that you don't know how to love them any less.
I don't want to get burned when my heart is as full.
Not that I forget or didn't notice the little things he does for me; supper way past midnight, tending to me when I'm feeling under the weather..
Those were never "little" to me, really.
But you know how we, human, gets. Despite the ability to observe and absorb everything, we only see what we want to see.
And while we are apart from each other.. My brain can't focus on anything else than;
NO TEXT!
So yesterday I had a rendezvous with Ablen and Ana. Bahijah and Dar were a no-show. I don't know how I feel about that but I'm not going to bother myself with that.. for now. heh.
But seeing my old friends again was nice. We agreed that the last time we all hung out were about two years ago. TWO freakin' YEARS!! Took us a while to warm up to each other though, which I thought was funny. A tad awkward and you just don't know what exactly to say to the other two persons.
Kinda like a first date!
Anyway, it turned out alright and I had a good time.
It was good seeing you both, Ablen and Ana! ♥ Yet another all-Sags day out, yeah?
Alright. Lets hope that I'll have a nice work-trip, yeah?
One without excessive spending, hopefully.
I keep having these urges to spend, spend and spend and I can't help wondering if my subconscious is actually trying to tell me something, rather than some typical excuse that I tell myself to make myself feel better about spending. hahahhaha!
Have a good week, dear readers!
I'll be back in town come Friday.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Secrets secrets..
Secrets secrets hurt someone..
Yeah.
So.
I've been feeling lousy lately mostly because of that. Not that somebody has been keeping secrets from me, but I was the one whose been keeping a secret from someone.
You see, I don't like lying. I don't like acting like nothing happened. Suppose I could, but pretending to be fine when I'm not.. to a loved one, doesn't seem like how I want to spend my life.
After all, you're supposed to be able to be yourself with the people whom you love and claims to love you. So what if I've been acting like a lunatic! YOU'RE the one who wants to be with me, so suck it! heehee.
So after four miserable days.. I am finally feeling like myself. More like myself, anyway. Can't help feeling like I still have my guard up somehow.
I have no idea what's up with "love".
Or maybe it's just me. My expectations of love, perhaps.
Anyway, I should be heading home soon.
Currently I am in Starbucks KLCC.. just did my social duty as a money-earner by shopping semi-unnecessarily. Yeah. Try and make sense of that.
I should be saving up as I am planning to move out from my current apartment. Just a few things that I am no longer keen about the place. Bestie said he'd join me while Boyfriend is going to stay with his mom.
I don't know what's going to happen in the future. Everytime I think about it, I get my guard up so high that I might as well build a wall. I just hate the idea of being apart. He said that we'll be fine, but he is SUCH a positive thinker I could just smack him in the head and he'd probably think that it was out of love.
Okay. My battery's dying so I better hit the publish button now.
'Til next time.
Monday, March 22, 2010
So..
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Yeah, I'm neurotic.
But am I sorry for them? Not really.
I am most honest when I'm angry so, there is no way sugarcoating it.
So I'm crazy.
Apparently we're all crazy, according to Coelho. (Recent read: Veronika Decides To Die.) Crazy is good anyway. At least I know I'm not pretending or living a lie. And I refuse to act as if nothing happened because I care too much.
But I guess I'm still a little angry to talk or write about it.
So I'm bitter.. and being a little cold along the way.
Whatever.
I'm absolutely tired, to be honest.
Between my work and the emotional distress. ughhh!
My plane touched down at 1950 and I got home at 2120. Then what did I do? I ran around my room looking for things to pack in my bag and took a quick shower because Dida was coming to pick me up so we could go to Nina's place in Seremban; which is where I am now.
sigh.
I should stop running one of these days.
I can't be running away whenever something upsets me. But I can't help myself. Talking.. explaining myself would usually make me cry and I've grown weary of crying all the time. So I opted out to not talk at all.
ughh!
Hello. I am the Princess of Darkness. My hobbies are reading, writing, and walking into the dark clouds where there is nothing but the cold, merciless rain.
You know what, I'm not going to write about this anymore.
I refuse to write when I am this upset. I thought that I was fine.. but I was never fine to begin with. So..
'Til I'm happy again then.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Of expectations..
There was this one part when they mentioned about how perhaps they could expect less of their partner and they'd be okay..
Perhaps.
In my case, I keep hoping that I would have no expectations at all. Expectations disappoints you. Disappoints me everytime.
But sometimes you just feel or think in some way that you didn't even know that you were having an EXPECTATION towards something.. and when you finally realize what it actually was, you were already disappointed.
But that is just too late. There is no turning point. You can't readjust your thoughts or feelings because.. it is just too late.
Disappointment.
You can't un-hurt the hurt.
What's worst is how badly I need you to know how angry I was with you today but yes, I'm a writer and I write. And even if I could write my thoughts then, you won't be able to understand a single bit of how I feel because there would only be curses. A shitload of curses, directed to you and you alone.
And to write them now.. here.. would be stupid of me to share it with the world.
But to write it in a letter.. I feel like leaving you dumbfounded and clueless of what you've done. Because I don't feel like I want to care if you do it again next time. I don't feel like I want to care about you anymore.
THAT is how furious I was.. still am, apparently.
All I feel is stupid.
I feel stupid for expecting that you'd make my life easier.. The least you could do was not to make it any harder.
Was that too much to ask?
Perhaps.
Would I be better off if I could readjust my expectations?
But according to that damn film, you're supposed to expect EVERYTHING from your partner and nothing less..
Complete the incomplete me.
So I am at a lost.
I don't know if I should have the same amount of expectations from you or readjust them for my own "good".
ughhh!
I am an emotional mess.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
I wish I was younger.
I wish I was younger when I'd figured out that I wanted to become a cabin crew.
Did you know that by the time I finish my contract, I'd be almost 30??
I know that I said I didn't want to get tied down (as in married) before I'm 27, but now all of a sudden I'm scared that my ovaries won't work as well when I actually wanted to start a family.
All of a sudden I'm scared of my biological clock ticking faster than I want it to.
Sure, I'm 25 now, but WHAT IF biologically.. I have the organs of a 30 year-old? By I'm actually 30, my body is of a 40 year-old.. Then having a baby would be hard.. or dangerous!!
What if I can't conceive at all? Then my husband would be disappointed and wish to be with someone who could have HIS child.. and I'd be alone.. and truly empty..
UGHHHHH!!
This is too much to think about in one afternoon.
But I worry about this.
I am a person who worries about these things.
I suppose it's pretty early to think about it when I'm nowhere close to getting married.. but I need to have these things figured out. I'm not exactly into planning but I like to have rough ideas.
But right now, my rough ideas sucks!
Mostly because of my age.
I want to have a house.
I want my parents to live in a better house. At least if I'm not around to take care of them all the time, I want them to live in comfort.
And by the looks of the money I make now and how much I am spending.. there is NO WAY I could buy TWO freakin' houses by the time I'm thirty!
It sucks to feel old.
It sucks to be a late bloomer.
I wish I had all these figured out 5 years ago.
Sure, I could still achieve half of these if I decide to marry rich. But seriously, does that sound like me at all?
Marrying rich for the sake of getting material bliss?
I cringe at the idea!
That probably works for some girls but should I be one of those girls one day.. you should know that I am no longer me.
Anyway, next month will be a year I've joined the company. Congratulations to me for holding onto a job for a year! (Okay, I should probably save that 'til next month when I've actually worked for a year.) But still.. 11 months is the longest I've been working.
And I've been with Encem for 8 months. 8 long months considering I pretty much see him everyday. I should be tired of looking at him -- but I'm not! hahhahaha.
I've been having a strong need to shop lately. I blame the constant work I've been having to do. I tried to use some of my annual leave but my application was "rejected due to roster constraints". blah! So I need to shop. But I couldn't find anything worthy to spend on. So that sucks.
Of course I thought of finally getting a Blackberry (damn, I should stop talking about this) but I couldn't help delaying that since I'm planning to find a new place to rent that I might be needing the money for deposit.
I still couldn't find my perfect kind of wedges.
The tunic dresses and long shirts that I like are waaaayyy too expensive. (ZARA.. Promod?!) Sure I could afford them.. but seriously??
I think I prefer being ugly than stupid. Really.
Okay. I'm bored now. I'm talking to this guy sitting across me (a stranger who wanted to use the plug near the table) but I'm not having too much fun as he's been asking me about my job. ughhh!
I really gotta stop talking about my work during off days.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
In pursuit of happiness.
That person had actually asked me what I wanted to be career-wise, but I couldn't think of anything else other than the word "happy". Then she asked me; "what makes you happy?"
I believe that was the first nudge that had led me to my job now.
So now I have to ask myself.. "Am I happy?"
Pause.
I have no idea.
I suppose it's nice to have something to do everyday and not be bored by it. I actually said that when I was just a sales girl in a bookstore too. But I was only there for two months, so I guess that doesn't count. After all, I never did much work while I was there.. I even had time to flirt with the guy at the coffee place. But for two months I didn't mind spending a third of my pay on transportation alone. From my home to my workplace.. having to travel for more than an hour to get to the bookstore, I never did mind.
Could I be a closet-workaholic?
HAHHAHAHAHAHHA!!
Impossible.
I think I do enjoy my job. I was never a nine-to-five person to begin with. And travelling had taught me that I liked having little moments with strangers and this "job" opens up dozens of possibilities for me to have those little moments.
I love those possibilities.
Of having to meet different people everyday.. work with different characters..
But nothing is perfect. Let's face it. If everything is, how are we to appreciate the really beautiful things in life, right?
As for being a cabin crew.. one of the things that tires me out are the hours.
Sometimes having to work a four-sector flight for two days in a row.. ughh.. those sort of things ages you. And only a day off after such flights.. Madness.
Honestly, there isn't much to complain about the work except for the AMOUNT of it. Crazy rosters wears one out.
So in a way.. I suppose career-wise, I am now pretty happy. I'm in a good place.
I guess now it's the overall part that I need to work on. How to be truly happy of life itself. I don't think I'm quite there yet.
And I'm not sure if I know the way.
Friday, March 05, 2010
SBW with Mahera.
Somehow we ended up spending pretty much the whole day together.
We were practically bored the whole time so he hangs around in my room.. giving me the 21-questions a policeman would ask you, hogging my laptop, and smoke. Of course.
He's a lot of fun though.
Pretty glad he was willing to hang around with me.. or is it the other way round? hahaha!
Anyway, there's still nothing interesting in Sibu.
Wish there WAS something to do. Perhaps we should've gone to take the boat to Mukah.. but really.. seeing the aborigines isn't exactly my thing. But who knows.. maybe next time.
I'm in a dire need of a mental change by the way.
Not particularly depressed at the time being, but I'm upset all the same.
I really.. really HAVE to start to really BE independent. I don't know.. I keep wishing for a saviour of some kind but I really should fix MYSELF first -- especially for having an idiotic idea such as that in the first place.
Ughhh.
I can't believe after all these years of fighting and after all the battles with myself.. I learn that I am SUCH a girly girl after all.
I suck.
As a person, I really do.
Anyway, I gotta learn to love myself.. that's for sure.
Because I can't keep putting myself in situations where I'll end up hating myself more. It's tiring.. depressing.. and most of all, it's making me go nuts!
And I don't wanna go nuts..
Not really..
Not even for a guy.
Monday, March 01, 2010
TPE.. is weird.
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhx3DuFJmHHh-2-091_pwg_xW88XXouf3D8duRF3XsvHEgesk3z-P-egKBuo-COr9sArEszlj920oY73bKoDKucxGtE5i7BkIm85fJS0B9ZkE9I54Cwe0decc2btyB5QjDDw5YYQg/s320/tpe.jpg)
Not really weird - weird.
But I didn't expect it to be so.. small.
It's more like a town than a city.. where all the buildings are not really high and then pop! There's the Taipei 101. Weird. Like it's not supposed to be there. Pretty out of place, in my opinion.
Speaking of Taipei 101, I don't have any pictures of it. Perhaps some other time I will actually do some touristy stuff when I'm here.
Two days off once I get back.. alright!
I find myself appreciating off days more and more these days. hehe
Not that it's enough for me to actually go somewhere and have a holiday.. but it'll have to do.
REALLY looking forward to May!
I should pack away my netbook then.
Man, I wish I had more sleep!
Have a good week, everyone!