Coffee break!

Helloooooo friends and strangers!
Welcome.. welcome..

I am writing this from the comforts of my parents' place in Shah Alam today. As you would have figured, I'm not the one who goes home that often since I've started my career but today I had an interesting bit of day!
Last year I volunteered for a class that the company was offering and finally, I was rostered for it!

What class was it, you ask?
It's called Tea & Coffee Program! hahahahahha!
Honestly, I think the training department just needed something to do with their time, but hey! I'm a coffee-freak, so of course I signed up! -- even without knowing who else signed up for it.

My morning didn't start great, with my hair refusing to cooperate even when I was only tying it up in a ponytail! Then my dad commented on the tailoring of the pants I was wearing -- yes, you read me right! Anyway, I refuse to go into that.
Then we got into the usual traffic jam in Federal Highway trying to get to the Academy -- so I got into class just in the nick of time. Which I hate. I hate being "just in the nick of time".
Perhaps I should also tell you that I'm a bit of a nerd in that area. I don't like being late, or almost late. I prefer being early. So at least I could relax and say.. have a smoke before class. sigh.

Aaaanyway, it had been an interesting program!
I learnt a bunch about tea and coffee today! I only knew bits and pieces previously but now it seems more FUN to be able to tell why mild coffees are mild and how the intense coffees are made. (The tea stuff were informative too, but seriously.. the coffee stuff were just awesome!)

Especially since we were welcomed by a cup of espresso and biscotti as we entered the classroom. (the espresso by the way, was free flow! I had three cups of the darned thing before we actually got into coffee-tasting!)
Oh and interestingly, the instructor was using the CBTL machine I tweet about last week! Makes it kinda hard for me to forget about its existence now..

By the coffee-tasting session of course, I was caffeinated as hell. Hands shaking, heart's racing.. I was talking like an idiot in fast forward. Had lots of laugh though; mostly for feeling like an idiot, of course..
It was basically a shared problem of mine with my table-mates -- whom happened to be people I know! It was neat!
Between us, we took about nine cups of espresso and a latte! -- not counting the crap (that I called "bitter water") that we tried during the coffee-tasting session.

Anyway, dear Bestie.. thank you for getting me that strong Italian coffee for my birthday. I just found out that I absolutely and completely HATE mild Kenyan crap! And I always thought that I had a milder palette; that strong coffee wasn't really for me. Guess I got that wrong.

Feels like I should get something new to feed my coffee obsession.. I already have a French Press, coffee grinder and a coffee drip machine (thank you, Bestie!) and I've always wanted a Mukka Express but if I add a few hundreds to that budget I could get myself a CBTL machine!!
uuhhh.. I should stop myself right there.
I am dreaming of spending the money that I don't have -- which isn't right! hahahahaha!

Alright, this doesn't make any sense to you, but.. Douwe Egberts.
hahahha! It's a reminder to myself actually. It's a really good coffee and Dida and I had in Nederland and honestly I'm tired of Googling for it everytime I try to remember its name. (Doing a search on this blog seems more simpler at times.)

I guess I'm going to leave you now. I need to get packing while I'm still strung on coffee. I sure hope I have that caffeine-crash when I need to fall asleep.. within the next hour would be perfect!

hmm.. Osaka flight is drawing closer.. I'm oddly still thinking of excuses for not going.

Still tired..

sigh.. I knew that this was bound to happen.
It always happens when I complain too much. Balasan Tuhan.. I didn't count my blessings as much as I should've.

Last night I was supposed to do a simple layover flight to Singapore. But due to some technical problem, my entire set was asked to fly to Male instead. sigh. Instead of getting eight hours of sleep in the hotel, we had to work all night.
So I'm tired. I believe I have the RIGHT to complain about this one since the flight I was rostered to was the simplest thing on my roster this month. And I was really looking forward to it! But it was taken away..
It was frustrating.
Really frustrating..
And sad...

Bloody "job".
Those whose been following this blog would know that all these while I haven't really considered what I'm doing as a job. But this month it had really felt like one.
I am border-lining on getting sick here. My body has been warm-ish for days, but I believe in "power of the mind". I refuse to be sick.
I honestly refuse it!
I'm mostly convinced that I'll do my Osaka flight after all. Feels like I'm MEANT for it anyway. Dear God, I hope it's going to be good!

There are two ways in looking at it;
one, my Airbus flights so far had been good. Even when I wasn't comfortable with the working position I was given, I've always had help. There was always someone kind enough to tutor me or at least cut me some slack.. and pick up the pieces that I'd missed. And there is always someone who would go out with me and show me around town.
two, should I get a really bad flight one day, it's really a reality check. I can't have all roses and daisies, can I?
I'm the one who needs something new each day anyway.. (I get bored very easily..) So.. it shall be a learning experience! (trying to be positive here..)

But honestly, it better be a BRILLIANT flight! After all I've been through so far this month.. Dear God, help me pleaseee!!
If it turns out bad, I can't promise that I won't break anything.
Oh God please please pleaaaase!!!
But really.. who am I to demand anything from God? I am just a tiny fleck of existence. So all I could do right now is hope. Hope.. hope.. hope..

Wait.. didn't I have "not to hope" in one of my resolutions a while back? Hmm..
Perhaps that's what the astrologers meant when they say that Sagittarians are positive people. They really can't stop from hoping for the best.

Anyway, I'm tired of being tired.
I always get dark and twisty when I'm exceptionally tired. Physical stress turns emotional and.. well.. you know the drill. There had been plenty of proofs of it in this blog -- and I've had this blog for almost NINE years.
Sometimes it feels crazy.. to be writing about your life for nine years -- and it hasn't been exactly an exciting nine years.

But thank you, dear readers..
For your time in reading my thoughts and letting me share a piece of my life with you. *and cue sentimental violin score*

And thank You God for my cool set of crew last night.. And the bunch of sleepy passengers who didn't demand much at all on flight! We basically spent the night talking and watching the in-flight movies as the passengers sleep. It was definitely an upside to the whole frustration..

Back to base.

I'm home from the day's work..
I have to say that it's been a good day -- even though I did manage to squeeze in that entry mengumpat during transit. But it's a good day.

Started off this morning while I was checking for the tech crew's names for my flight. Somebody tapped me from behind and when I turned around, it was Mumuuu!!! Panjang umor, Alhamdulillah..

Anyway, the flight to and fro AOR was good. Light load!! hahahaha! Okay, a full load is good for the company, but being the crew on a full load flight is tiring!

Oh, it seems like I'll be doing that Osaka flight after all.. Maybe..
Nobody has something else to swap with on the very dates. ughhh! So.. I don't know really.. I'm still undecided. A part of me wants to just do it while half of me is praying hard that the amount of work I'd done for the past few weeks will get me too sick to fly. hahahahha!

It's going to be yet another lonely night. Encem's doing a night flight. I'm glad that I get to spend the day with him yesterday. Finally had a meal together.. But still.. not enough! sigh..
I seriously have no idea when did I become this needy..
Perhaps I'll do something nice for him when he gets home in the morning.. IF I manage to wake up early..

I'm hoping that Bestie will take me out to dinner tonight.. 'cause I have NO IDEA how am I going to spend my night! Studying just doesn't seem appealing right now -- especially since I am so friggin' sleepy. Hardly four hours of sleep last night. ughhh!

Okay. Enough complaining.
Thank You God for making this a good day! I know I complain a lot.. but I hope I say thanks to You just as much..

Tiga jam transit..

Haih..
Peringatan: aku tak suka cerita pasal keje -- TETAPI.. Harini ada 3 jam transit! Nak buat hape kat airport ni?
Maka kita bercerita lah tentang kerja...

Dua sektor pertama tadi agak mencabar kesabaran.. Bukan 'agak' sebenarnye.. MEMANG mencabar..
KUL/LGK
Passenger profile untuk first sector: INDIAN.. Hello!
So apa yang aku dah brief kat korang sebelum ni maintain ye; call button.. Water.. Sebok je.

Aku tak suka the fact that keje ni buat aku jadi racist sket. Tapi nak kata betul betul racist pun tak jugak. Like I said; passenger profiling. Bila tau passenger profile, kita boleh anticipate apa yang diorang nak! (Ecewwah..)
Just happens that aku tak suka orang meminta tak kena tempat. Hehe..

Contoh: tadi dalam kalangan Indian yang beramai ramai tu, tersentil dua orang Cino. Aku hulur basket peanuts, sorang amek dua genggam, sorang lagi amek segenggam.. Lepas tu time dah sampai nak keluar ada hati lagi mintak extra! Tapi flight full kan, so aku tak pun menipu bila aku kata dah tak ada extra..
Like I said dalam entry sebelum ni lah, kalau ada.. Memang aku kasi!

Aku tak faham obsessi passenger dengan kacang tu.. Aku sendiri tak makan. Tak penah suka kot. Especially bila semua orang bukak dalam kabin.. Bau macam kentut!!
Aku yang dah biasa bau ni pun still rasa bau macam kentut! Tak lali langsung..

Now, LGK/KUL..
Passenger: Cino mainland.
Set yang cakap bahasa dia manjang and expect kau tau apa dia nak. Kalau korang boleh cakap Cina, memang plus point lah bila kerja ni.. Geng China mainland ni memang selalu dalam kapal.. Ikut tour..

Diorang pun suka amek kacang extra extra.. Aku terpaksa kasi sorang satu tadi (flight full!) Pastu diorang ni sebok cuit cuit aku nak lagi.. Pastu aku cakap la "if I have extras then I'll give it to you," but of course, diorang tak paham.. Cuit cuit lagi..
Lain kali aku cakap Melayu je la ngan diorang.

Lepas tu masa nak landing kat KL, time tuu la ada sorang makcik ni nak ke toilet. Ye yee steward aku cakap kat dia suh duduk sebab dah nak landing -- siap hand gesture la untuk penekanan kan. Dia diri je situ depan pintu blur blur. End up steward aku tarik tangan makcik tu duduk sebelah dia kat crew seat.
Seconds lepas tu memang kapal land.
Bengong kan passengers ni? Bukan tak nampak tanah kat luar.. Naaaak jugak gi toilet time tu.

Kadang kadang teringin gak tengok passenger tergolek. Tapi nanti kitorang pulak masalah. Aisyy..
Kena administer first aid ke apa.. Tapi salah kitorang ke bila passenger tak dengar cakap? Tak kan??

Anyway, makcik tu end up tak gi pun toilet. Time taxing dia pegi balik seat dia. Jadi, apakah motif dia ke toilet time landing???
Aku pun tak tau laa..

Lagi satu aku tak paham obsessi terhadap toilet aircraft. Aku seboleh bolehnya minum sikit je.. Tahan kencing sebab taknak guna toilet tu. Dah laa kecik! Air recycled!
Pastu passenger complain busuk.. Salah siapakah??? Crew sebok kerja koot.. Bukan menghabiskan masa guna toilet. And kat dalam kapal tu tak ada Mr Muscle untuk kitorang cuci toilet tu.. Paling paling kitorang boleh buat cuma spray air freshener je..
Plus, point paling penting -- kami adalah CABIN CREW.. Bukan toilet cleaner, harap maklum.

Kami cuba tolong, tapi renung renungkan lah.. Apa sangat je yang kitorang boleh buat..

Okay, sat lagi nak masuk kapal..
KUL/AOR/KUL pulak.. Harapnya passenger okay. Mood tengah tak best nak melayan kerenah pelik pelik.
Letih badan, tak cukup tido..

So korang bakal passenger, be nice to your crew yee.. Buat baik dibalas baik.. Tapi kalau crew korang memang kurang ajar, hmm.. Give them hell lah! Hahaha
Tapi berjaga jagalah.. Pusing pusing, diorang yang pegang makanan minuman korang atas kapal tu..
Hahahahahahah!!

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Hoi letiiih!!

Dah keje lima hari straight.
Semua pun kena bangun pagi. And lima hari ni aku asyik kene maintain stewardess business class. Kenapa? Sebab akulah stewardess paling SENIOR dalam set aku.
HA - HA - HA!!
Serius kelakar bila aku yang paling senior. Kerja baru setahun setengah dah senior ke? Bayangkan budak Darjah 2.. dah kira senior ke diorang? hahahahha!
Tapi itulah hakikatnya.. Dah makin banyak budak baru sekarang. Haritu trip tiga hari memang nama aku lepas nama Leading. Terus PALING SENIOR crew dalam flight ye, terima kasih! Night stop semalam lak senior crews laki.. Junior bawah aku first month flying. Kesiaan dia.. Buat flight Phuket time kau budak baru lagi memang seksa. Flight time sejam lebih sikit je.. Tak menang tangan nak melayan orang putih yang nak makan/minum macam macam.

Aku rasa macam nak pesan macam macam kat korang.. Pesanan untuk korang yang bakal naik kapal as penumpang. Tapi malas nak menaip pulak! hahahha.. banyak sangat kot.
Oleh sebab itu, aku kasi ringkasan ini lah; senyum itu sedekah, and kat dalam mulut korang tak ada emas -- bila crew korang senyum, senyum lah balek. Bila diorang kata "selamat datang", jawablah balek "terima kasih". Benda simple yang tak makan lima saat tu goes a long way.

Percayalah cakap aku that bila crew happy, korang juga akan happy.
Aku faham korang dah bayar tiket, tapi korang tanya lah crew dari mana mana airline pun.. diorang akan cakap kewujudan kitorang dalam kapal tu first and foremostly is for safety reasons! Service comes second. Service with a smile is a BONUS.
Cuba korang senyum tanpa reason sikit, aku nak tengok!

Anyway, aku keletihan..
Esok buat Manila pastu aku nak tido puas puas!! Aku tak nak bangun selagi belum pukul 11! HAHAHAHAHA! Mimpi la kalau ada sesiapa ajak aku keluar.
Aku baru perasan aku dah lama gila tak makan ngan Encem. I know it sounds measly, tapi benda benda camtu penting kot. hmm.. Like I said in an earlier entry.. Bulan ni bulan lonely.
Benci!!
So skarang aku tengah melangut sambil tunggu dia balek dari keje. hmmph! Bosan!

Fly fly fly!!

(Say them in a whiny yet monotonous tone that is easily recognised as frustration.. Or boredom, take your pick!)

So today I'm in JB.
I know I shouldn't complain but I swear, JB (and Penang for that matter) was a hell lot more interesting place before I became a cabin crew! I'm sure those of you who are from these places don't share the same views as I do. I myself remember having crazy-fun times in these places.
So I suppose I blame the hotels that we are put in these days.. So far away from town!!
I'm not even the partying type -- but how could they place me so far away from good FOOD?!! So mean! The company is SO mean sometimes! *cakap sambil hentak hentak kaki*

I was in Penang TWICE last month but not once did I get to have pasembur!! *peluk tubuh* And I am in JB now and I have no one to get me to some good ole otak-otak! *cebik*
I really should've made more contacts all around the country. haihh..

You would think that cabin crew are one of the most friendliest people on earth. They smile and say hi to complete strangers.. Make conversations about the little little things they notice about a passenger..
But recently it struck me; I made connections -- but never a relationship. I have a lot of acquaintances -- but not too many friends. It's a lonely life, not really for everyone.

It's cool to see a new place, but it's ALWAYS the people you're with that makes it fun.
It's always about the PEOPLE.
Money means very little when you don't have anyone to spend it on. hehe.. My opinion anyway. I know Bestie would have a different idea.. Hahahaha
Kids.. I swear it was damn amusing when he claims the other day; "yes! I finally won a debate with Wanie!" (with his fist in the air) hahahahhaha!!

I'm not necessarily always right.. It's just that EVERYONE has to fight/debate with me to be right. Hahahahaha!!
Disclaimer: I just happen to be egotistical and stubborn at the same time. Love me or hate me, I don't need indecisiveness.

Okay, I'm rambling out of "topic".. Sorry about that.
So due to the recent cold war with Encem for the past few days (because of his lack of response to my texts -- okay, that sounds a bit stupid to fight over for but it's just one of those things that you just have to experience yourself!) I had Dida come pick me up from the airport yesterday so I could spend some quality time with family.

It was nice.. And sad at the same time. Being reminded of how damn long I haven't seen Nina and the kiddies. They've all grown.. And entertaining.. And annoying too at the same time!
And I don't know.. It was somehow.. Poetic, being in the same room with my two sisters and my three nieces.
Not for long though since Nina is pregnant!
I really should come home more often and not just when I ran out of clean clothes.. huhuuu

So yeah.. I've been working a LOT this week. Two nights in Kuching, tonight in JB and a daily flight to Manila the day after tomorrow. That's SIX bloody days of morning flights! I am tired and I want my off days!! rawr!

And I am giving away my Osaka flight. It'll be a blow to my allowance but honestly, I'm just not looking forward to working on an Airbus, let alone a 7-hours flight! I choose health and happiness over money, thank you very much!

Now this is a long entry.. Guess that just happens sometimes.
Ciao!

On a sidenote, does anyone knows of a good dermatologist in KL? I am having a bad rash on my legs.. Ughh! Bloody dryness..

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Off day.

Tapi tension.

Last night Encem asked me to go to the management office since we haven't got the water bill for months. So I did..
The girl behind the desk was.. incompetent, to put it nicely. She took a while to produce the bill and when I gave her an RM50 note, she told me that she didn't have any change for it -- and asked me to go and get smaller notes. WTF!
I think it is a common knowledge that working as a cashier, you SHOULD have change! And YOU should get your big butt off the chair and get them, not your customer! Plus, I am doing her a favour by coming in and ask about my bill! It is the management's responsibility to send the friggin' bill every month but they failed at that!

So anyway, I went back to my apartment, have a smoke.. Felt like going back waaay later, but I hate unfinished business. You never know when you're going to die, right? And I hate the idea of my soul haunting the management office..
So I went back with RM55. As I handed the money, I said "RM10 change"; and I know she had it since I saw a lady gave her an RM10 note just moments ago. She took her time.. looking for the receipt she'd already written earlier.. then she pressed some numbers on the CALCULATOR!! 55 - 45.. Oh, what hard numbers to calculate in your head....
UGHHH!!!!

Oh, I'm becoming even more cranky these days.. I know.
Too much work does no good to anyone.

Lagi Bahasa Melayu.

I've decided to write in Malay when I feel like writing about work.
So..

Flight semalam dengan senangnye dikategorikan sebagai CIBAI. Terima kasih rostering sebab kasi flight crew hanjeng, really appreciate it.
Rasa ala ala kalau keje sorang kat dalam satu aircraft tu lagi bagus sebenanye daripada mengadap bebudak semalam. Actually sorang je yang menyakitkan hati tahap maksima.. tapi sebab yang lain pun macam.. entahlah. Rasa buang masa sangat.
Tak suka bercerita pasal keje, tapi tertekan sebenanye.
Balek dah sampai transpot pulak nampak boifren berlalu pegi dalam van. Terima kasih lagi sekali. Dah sign nama kat kaunter tu, nampaklah ada nama aku sooorang je. TERTINGGAL. Sedih.

Emo benar semalam actually sampai tak mampu nak bercakap. Rasa nak nangis kat kaunter tu so dengan cepat aku blah pegi kat tangga nak merokok. Skali ada si Ejaz kat situ tengah smoking. Yah! Alhamdulillah, a friendly face! Rasa nak peluk je mamat tu tapi tak eloook. huhuhuu
Aku mengadu pasal flight aku, dia mengadu pasal flight dia..

Mamat flight semalam memang dikenali dengan sifat hanjeng dia, so senang je cerita kat Ejaz. Sebut je nama hanjeng tu, Ejaz tersenyum dah paham.
Benci bila kerja dengan orang tak bertamadun. Cakap nak gah, tapi takde isi. Suka menipu. Tapi karma kan, Tuhan Maha Adil.. kau buat jahat dengan orang, Tuhan balas balik kat kau. Padan muka kaki kau bengkak semalam. Tak adanye aku nak kesian. Meraunglah kau sekuat hati, aku takleh nak fake concerned pun. Lagi aku nak senyum ada. hehehe

Okay, aku tak suka mengumpat honestly. Sakit hati ni ada lagi tapi serius aku tak suka mengumpat. Udah udah la dosa aku buat selama aku hidup ni.. benda benda yang aku boleh elakkan aku nak elakkan.
So hopefully aku boleh lupakan episode hanjeng semalam dengan segera. Sangat tak suka ada rasa sakit hati ni while trying to refrain myself from talking about it. Lagi cakap, lagi teringat pun.

Oh well..

Ohh! Lagi satu.. cik Saloma baca blog ni. err.. Rasa segan. Selama ni rasa dia cam celebrity koooot! hahahaha! Blog aku ni tak pun macam blog dia yang memang lebih cerita pasal jadi cabin crew. Aku lak jenis tak suka bercerita pasal keje.. Kalau lepak ngan kengkawan crew jugak yang bukak cerita pasal keje, kau tengoklah betapa diamnye aku kat meja tu.
So kalau korang dapat link aku from blog cik Saloma and mengharapkan untuk baca cerita jadi cabin crew, sori ye.. tak banyak yang korang akan dapat tau..

Tahun baru.

Dalam banyak banyak benda yang paling aku tak suka cerita, pasal kerja lah number one.
Tapi sebenarnya banyak benda kita sama sama boleh belajar dari experience. And since kerja aku ni banyak jumpa orang, aku banyak belajar pasal kerenah manusia ni.
Patut bila jadi cabin crew kita dapat diploma/degree sociology. By the time jadi IFS dah masters or PhD..

Aku actually tak suka nak generalize-kan orang, since I like to believe that every single person is unique. Tapi sebab dah jumpa banyak orang kan.. Setahun setengah dah flying.. Agak senang juga lah nak generalize orang.. to the point that it becomes a bit racist.
Contohnya macam pagi tadi.. buat peanuts+juice sector je ni, tapi sebab flight KBR.. aku sengaja letak extra extra kacang dalam bakul tu. Ada saja orang nak amek segenggam. Come on la, kalau korang mintak elok elok, takde nye kitorang tak bagi.. Amek segenggam tu over la.. (Pernah ada ambik siap dua genggam.. Agaknya kalau ada tiga tangan, tiga genggam lah kot)

Kalau famili travel ngan baby lagi satu. Famili Melayu sentiasa prepared.. Dalam bag tu ada dua-tiga botol.. susu dah siap.. Kadang kadang air panas dah ada pun dalam thermos. Patut la mak mak kita suka bawak handbag besa besa kan?
Tapi kalau Cina, kadang kadang tu siap susu pon nak orang provide. Seriously?! Mak cemana korang ni? Dalam beg beso tu ada apa? Rasa macam tak sayang anak pun ada.. Cemana kalau kitorang takde susu nak kasi? Korang biar je la anak korang lapar? Semua benda pun nak mintak. Playing cards lah.. Souvenir lah.. SEMUA pun nak.

India pulak.. baru je masuk aircraft dah mintak air. Kadang kadang tu siap nak potpetpotpet lagi cakap nak makan ubat. Ubat motion sickness ke encik? Just so you know, ubat tu kalau kau makan 30 minit before flight, tak jalan.. Kalau memang ubat sakit lak, tak ke pelik nak masuk aircraft baru nak makan?
Kan senang kalau kau cakap kau suka minum air? Aku tau dah korang suka minum air aircraft.. tapi kot ye pon sabo sabo ler.. Servis tak start lagi.. Priorities kitorang is on safety. Takdenye korang mati kalau tak dapat air sebelum take-off kan? Tak payah la nak tekan tekan call button tu.

Tapi seriously ni sume minor je. Honestly speaking, kalau aircraft tu ada ape yang passenger mintak, aku tak kesah kasi.. Bukan aku nak bawak balek pun. Tu bukan barang bapak aku, nak sesuka hati bawak balek..
Paling aku menyampah.. jengjengjeng.. Orang bawak beg besa masuk kabin pastu tak reti nak susun kat compartment! Lagi contoh dari flight pagi tadi; sorang pakcik ni, takde laa tua.. Paling paling 50s kot, jalan pakai tongkat. Badan besa, tegap, perut pun besa.. Jalan masuk kabin bawak trolley bag. Pastu dah sampai seat dia, dia diri tengah aisle tu pastu tunjuk beg dia. Aku pun cakap la elok elok, "kita angkat sama ye.."
Tapi end up aku angkat sorang! APAKAH?!! Dia diri situ pegang tongkat dia. Pastu aku pun dengan nada control sakit hati, "eh, saya pulak angkat sorang!" dengan senyuman manis yang tak ikhlas langsung. Dia pun sengih sengih ingat aku buat kelakar. Kepala hatok kau! Naseb baik beg kau ringan!

Take note ye bakal penumpang sekalian.. Kalau beg korang besa/berat atau korang pendek/sakit tak larat nak angkat.. SILA CHECK IN LUGGAGE ANDA. Senang cerita. Jangan halang aisle tu dengan beg korang pastu expect kitorang cabin crew nak tolong angkat je. Hari hari tolong angkatkan beg, korang ingat tulang belakang kitorang ni besi??
Tak ada dalam job description kitorang untuk angkatkan beg korang. Sorry, we are not bell boys ataupun khadam, terima kasih.
Just because muka aku still lepas kalau mengaku 21-22 korang ingat aku muda. Badan ni dah pakai 26 tahun dah. Korang tak tengok cemana aku jalan balik dari flight dua bulan lepas.. Aku nak gi toilet pun jadi malas.. Jalan bongkok je sebab sakit nak mampus, takde sape pun tolong.

Aku tak paham bila LELAKI suruh perempuan tolong angkatkan beg. Konon tak ego lah, tak malu nak mintak tolong.. Time time camtu tiba tiba tak ego. Dah pemalas tu pemalas jugak.
Just because cabin crew korang NAMPAK muda, tak semestinya diorang sehat 100%. Just because diorang tinggi lampai, senyum bila korang masuk, dia tak penah accident sampai sakit belakang.. Korang pandai bawak barang barang tu, tolong lah pandai pandai simpan sekali ye.

Rasanya tak silap kalau cakap the top two ailments of cabin crews are slip disc and depression.
Slip disc tu dah banyak sangat cerita. Depression pun.. ye lah, hidup lonely. Kau duduk ada housemate pun, cuti tak sama. Contohnya macam aku ni lah..
Haritu seminggu straight tak nampak kelibat Encem. Lonely. Bulan ni pun bulan lonely jugak. Bertembung camtu camtu je. Aku ni dah laa jenis tak bercakap, dengan sape laa aku nak mengadu kalau tak dengan dia?
Fed up pun ada. Rasa nak quit tu pun ada kadang kadang. Tapi aku ni bukan jenis keje-di-meja punya orang. Lagi depressed kot kalau tiba tiba kene keje ikut office hours. So redha je la.
Thankful pun sebenanye dapat keje ni. Sebab bila dapat passenger best, sopan santun, set crew gila, memang boleh terlupa pasal benda benda tak best previous passenger buat..

Anyway, dah 2011 dah pun.. Perasaannye masih sama..
Tahun ni belum ada resolution. Tapi seperti tahun tahun lepas, mari kita review balek resolution 2010;

"More on self-improvement and not about things I want to achieve or have. No deadline. No wishes. No wants. (Okay, maybe just a little.) But mostly just going with the flow without being pushed around by the current -- if that makes any sense at all.

I will lead a better life, choose healthier food, start an actual exercise routine.. even as minor as going up and down the flight of stairs. Have healthier thoughts and laugh more."

Expectation tahun lepas tak va-va-voom sangat.
Tapi yang pasti I didn't exercised at ALL! Konon je. Bab makanan tu, sihat sikit kot. Dah kurang makan fast-food (especially sejak pindah rumah and ban McD -- exception untuk Prosperity Burger sahaja)
Wishes and wants tu ada, tapi semua short term so dapat lah! Healthier thoughts and laugh more.. biasa biasa je kot. Biasalah, you can't really change who you are.

2010 banyak benda jadi kot. Or maybe sebenarnye tak banyak, tapi impact besar. Hopefully dah belajar dari kesilapan. Tapi entah lah, susah nak cakap.
Resolution 2011.. karang karang la pikir. Takde idea lah. Umur dah meningkat ni, otak dah makin realistic. Nak tulis dalam blog macam.. perlu ke? Tak menarik langsung. Yang pasti, walaupun hujung tahun ni umur jadi 27.. topik kahwin tu masih belom ada yee.. hahaha! So toksah nak tanya.

Sampai lain kali.. Anyway, entry kali ni saje je tulis in Malay. Kekok sebenarnye since I THINK in English.. (I know, I'm a snob.) Tapi saje.. one of. hehe
Oh! Kalau korang suka baca blog cabin crew.. this one is my favourite; it's of Malaysian in UAE.

Have a good year, everyone!

Have I jinxed it?

Just when I write about being happy..

I am back in Penang..
My set were only supposed to do four sectors -- touching down at 2240. But after two sectors we were told to do AOR instead of PEN, touch down at 2315..
When we arrived back in KUL after the final two sectors, we got the call to do ONE MORE SECTOR.. ughhhh!!!
Damn it! I had plans!
Dida and my parents were at the airport to come pick me up!!
Damn ittttt!!
I couldn't help feeling emotional over it. I hate that I promised to be there. I hate to have my family waiting for me. I just hate everything about it! ughhh..

And to top it off, I just heard word of a sad story from a friend.
Which sucks big time.
Honestly there are days that I just HATE.. being.

Anyway.. I am still relatively happy I suppose.
It's just.. I'd feel better if all had been according to plan..
On a side note, my new Shuffle rocks!! bahahhahaha! Wish they had it in red.. oh well.

Missing you, Encem!

Happy.

♥

It's odd to admit to yourself that you are, matter of factly; HAPPY.
Because I am.
Sure I still complain about the same ole' things.. wish that Encem would call or text me more.. hope that I'll get to spend more days off overseas.. But I am finding myself happier these days.

..despite having a heated discussion with Alif on what "relationship" really means the other day. hahaha! (It was a good "discussion" by the way..)

I have lesser things to complain about, to put it more plainly.
I thank God for the good days that I've been blessed with for the past week.
Pay day came early (and it was goood... All the long days last month was absolutely worth it!), I had a good set of crew on my flight to Jakarta and Perth.. I managed to get myself Jakarta's Hard Rock Cafe guitar-pin.. I had a good time in Perth; shopping (bahhahaha!).
My entire body aches, honestly.. I'm in the busy-phase of my roster. But the aches couldn't dampen my spirit -- especially after a lady-passenger told me that her elderly mother thinks I'm pretty yesterday. HAHAHHAHAHA. I mean, seriously.. if it's something a man said to me, I would doubt his sincerity/intention. But since it came from an old woman, I MUST really be pretty! ..right?
HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!

It's been six days since I last saw Encem though, so I am missing him like crazy.
Funny how a song actually reminded me that I am HAPPY.
I still need to work on my communications skill though. I have a feeling that that bit plays a big part on my newfound happiness.

I suppose once you're committed to a relationship, you should accept the other person for what ever they are. But you wouldn't really know if they truly accept you unless you show yourself to them..
Okay, that's a bit random but I think I'm referring to that discussion with Alif on Saturday. Just maybe.

Anyway, I need to get some sleep.
Btw, thank you God for giving me the chance to appreciate life. Also, thank You for Your perfect timing of giving me trouble when there is someone who could lend me a hand. Thank You for sending someone as patient as Encem my way.. Thank You for my good health, so far (hehe).. And thank You for my fate of having this job that I can now listen to songs from my spanking new iPod shuffle while wearing LaSenza undergarments.
hahahhahahahahahahahahha!!

I am happy. Alhamdulillah..
Please keep me this way.

The 26th.

I had a pretty good birthday..
Though I wish that I didn't have to turn TWENTY-SIX.. but I had a pretty good birthday..

Despite coming home to an empty house..
Despite Boyfriend asking me to COOK after returning from Sandakan flight..
I had a pretty good birthday.

I had good food and I had cake.
And boyfriend got me my perfume. The one that has been discontinued. heehee. It was sweet.

Of course, this all happened on the twelfth and the early morning of the thirteenth as I am working on my birthday. (And I am blogging now from my hotel room in Penang..)
Anyway, I had a good birthday..

Just wanted to let you know that.

December.

December has always been a curious.. curious month to me.
It being my birthday month, I always wonder what's in store for me.. always wishing that things will be good.
I hope it'll be good.

But I got quite a shock yesterday afternoon after receiving an e-mail of a death of an acquaintance. I didn't know her that well.. I'd only worked with her once long ago. But I remembered her being this sweet and funny girl.
I don't know. Trying to relate someone who seemed so happy with death didn't seem right. It's just so.. untimely.

I don't know.. it's been bugging me all day honestly.
If I die, the natural response would probably be; 'ah well, it's been long time coming..'

It's weird. Coincidentally I'd been having visions of death lately. Not necessarily mine. I wondered how it'd be if one of my family members died..
Or if boyfriend had an accident. Would there be anyone who'd let me know?
Or would it take days before anyone realized that I hadn't known. Maybe after days of him not coming home and not answering any of my phonecalls.. I'd start tracking his friends and only then they would tell me the news?
I worry about these things sometimes. I'm not exactly in his "emergency call list". And even if I am, if I am working.. it won't be possible for anyone to contact me.
So it sucks.
It sucks when I wonder about these things.

And the other day Dida brought news of home that I am not at all happy about.
Everything sucks.
December began with sucky sucky things!

So now I'm scared. Struck by a terrible worry everytime Encem walks out the door. I hate it when people leaves to someplace I couldn't follow.
It sucks.

So tell me December.. is this how it's going to be all month or should I finally learn how to quit hoping.

Ugly side.

I have this thing of thinking things that I don't mean..
I don't actually say them out loud because I know how badly that could lead me, but my mind is far too quick to judge and decide what I think/feel about certain things. Especially when I am angered.
But believe it or not, that's the most crucial moment of the situation -- the thoughts that I don't mean.
Because then I would wish for things that would upset me in the end.

Example; weeks ago I was depressed about how nothing was happening around me, so I wished that I will be working on my birthday. Sent someplace where I won't have to be reminded how boring my birthdays have been. If I'm going to be indoors and be reminded that I am OLDER, might as well I DO something be it work.
So of course, I got my wish.. A night in Penang on the 13th..

Today, I wished that boyfriend would get called up knowing that he was on standby, because I was upset with him. So of course.. he's spending the night in Kuantan tonight while I'm here bored and annoyed at myself for wishing things that I didn't mean..
Honestly, even when he upsets me, it's still better with him around. At least he'd amuse me by trying to make up for his mistakes.
Ha - ha - ha! (I'm not really in the mood to laugh right now.)

Now, regarding the previous entry.. I think I'm going to TRY just one more thing before I truly give up. I'm gonna let hell break loose. No more silent treatment. I'm gonna fight like hell. Shout if I feel like it.
If that gets me nowhere, then I'll know..
I'll know for sure.
Honestly that scares the crap out of me, but it has to be done.. It must.

And now it's dark
I look for you to light my heart
I'm in between the moon and where you are
I know.. I can't be far
-- Blue October

Forget I said anything..

Suppose I am giving up.
I give up trying.
There is nothing else to say. There is nothing else I can say to you.

If everything I say will be misunderstood, I shouldn't bother saying anything at all.
If you give up trying to listen.. Guess I should give up trying to say anything altogether.

Thank you, dark cinema.. For hiding my shameful tears..


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Been a while..

I've been brooding lately, as Julie would put it.
Honestly I feel like my life is becoming more and more non-existent for the past week. Being busy with work just doesn't work for me. Sure I love going to foreign places and see what they could offer to a stranger like I am, but too much of it is making me feel like I'm aging way faster than I should.

I'm grateful.. honestly, to be able to visit these places. Taipei, Beijing and Dubai in one month! It's awesome. But I can't remember when was the last time I had a proper date with the boyfriend. We're always too tired to do anything outside. And come on, staying in watching movies isn't exactly my idea of a perfect day.

I know I am asking a lot, but isn't that the whole point?
To not be afraid to ask..

But who am I kidding.. I am always afraid. I am still unable to speak what goes through my mind. I'm starting to think that it's way too easy -- not talking. I dunno.. It feels as though I am changing but I know it's not for the better. sigh.. It's like I'm wrapping my words in a package and just bidding my time to send it away to nothingness.

I think I am detaching myself.. From loved ones and life even. Perhaps I am embracing the disappearance of my so-called life.
We'll see..

What I know is, I am too tired of putting myself out there and not having anyone to meet me halfway.
I'm tired.. My mind is fed up for having my heart controlling my life's course. Fed up for the headache that's caused from the heartache.
Honestly.

Me and my old man..

I love spending mornings with my dad.
Mostly because I am chirpy in the morning (after having a good sleep) and my dad is much more tolerant in the mornings; having nothing of the day-crap to bug his mind. Actually... my dad is ALWAYS tolerant of me. Perhaps I am the one that is more tolerant of people in the mornings..

Aaaaanyway!
After two weeks of not seeing any of my family members (I know, I'm horrible. My parents just lives 30 minutes away!) I asked my dad to come pick me up.

At the carpark where we were getting breakfast, we saw this one grown man attempted to park his big ass car. He was an IDIOT, honestly.. couldn't make up his mind whether he wanted to park on the left side or the right.. With the back-side out or the front.. Seriously. I lost some major points just talking about that man.
I even proclaimed that "idiots should not procreate."

Then my father chimed in that idiots wouldn't know they're idiots..
Which is a horror really, because non-idiots would easily recognize an idiot while a fellow idiot won't. So idiots will fall in love with idiots thinking that they're both equally smart, get married, and make idiot babies!!
OH - MY - GOD!!
What will happen to the world!! Infested by idiots!
Scary world.

Okay, my father and I are snobs -- and maybe that's why we click so well. hahahha!
Basically I've been spending my morning complaining and rambling to my father.. About people I've worked with.. Stories from the people I've worked with.. about passengers.. The kids that were sitting at the stairway to our flat.. Too many bad comments that at one point I almost fell from simply walking at the pavement!
Hahahahhaha! Balasan Tuhan..

I really love the mornings where I get to do everything that I wanted to do.

Feels like all I ever talk about lately is ANYTHING that relates to the boyfriend.. I swear sometimes it feels like my entire existence is tethered to the gravity that is him.
This much change.

Bob Marley

The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.

Good quote.
And very true.

Anyway, I'm having a roller coaster kind of days lately. There's no more good days or bad days. More of good hours and bad hours..
Sigh.
I'm not sure if that's better or not.

I'm bored. Actually really bored.
Feels like I'm drifting most of the time. Life could pass me by and have no effect on me.
It bores me.
Bores the hell out of me.

Work's been alright.
Relationship's been alright.
But that's just it -- "alright". I don't live with just 'alright'. So passion-less.
I am grateful with my alright life. But I wish I could be ecstatic everytime I wake up in the morning.

Sigh.
I need more.
I hate this stagnant.
I HATE BEING STUCK!

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The scent of one.

Did you know that our memory picks up scents the best?
I'm not sure where I read that but I am a believer. It does seem like my brain remembers scents better; for instance if I had a whiff of 'scent A', I could relate it to what had happened the last time I had smelled 'scent A'.

Encem had asked me a certain rhetorical question a couple of times before; if we hadn't seen each other for a very long time (years..) and somehow fate brought us together but his face was covered except for his eyes (err..) would I be able to recognize him still?
Yeah, odd question, I know.. but I play along anyway.. But when I say that I played along, I meant I made a thinking face for a short while and say that I don't know and changed the subject. hahahha!
Truth is, I'd most probably won't be able to know it was him by his eyes alone. I'm terrible like that.

But I know his 'smell' by heart.
To the point where I could get irked when somebody else wears the same perfume as he does. But most of the time when that happens, I'll just miss him more. Which could be even more annoying really.

So why am I writing about smells anyway?
Well, I'am reminded that I'm running low on my perfume. The "best" part is that the production of MY scent has been discontinued. Which sucks. I hate changing perfumes. Mostly because nothing really appeals to me! Most of them are either too strong.. Too 'makcik'.. Too manly.. ughh!
Another thing about scents; when choosing perfumes -- and partners actually, believe it or not one tends to choose something (or someone) that has the same scent as one does.

Anyway.. it's good to be home.
I find myself appreciating home more lately, but I know that this feeling may not last. Consistency has never been my strong point...

With all of me..

Half past one and I'm still awake.. ughh.
I better get to sleep soon since I have four hours of flight tomorrow.. Not a fun thing when you're one crew down -- yes, we're in Taipei and we left base with a short of one crew. Some moronic steward went MIA. grrr.
But anyway, my set crew is alright. I'm not having a bad time.. which is good enough for me! (Now who says I'm never thankful? hahahha!)

So practically three days in Taipei.. what did I learn about myself?
Well, I learnt that I am for certain.. capable of blowing my bank account had there been any money in there. Bahahahha! I've always liked Taipei but it seems that I like it more when the weather is cool.
Jackets and boots -- TRUE evils of MY world. eeeeep!!

I also learnt that walking around by myself reminded me of being back in Europe. I don't know.. maybe because of the weather.. the foreign language.. the AWESOME transportation system.. The silliness of walking around town knowing what to get but not knowing exactly where it is so I walked around and around the same block a few times.. hehhe.. I liked it anyway.
I felt like a fool, but what the heck! It's not like anyone knew me out there..

One more thing that I learnt.. Being in Taiwan (not just Taipei 'cause I've thought of this same thing while I was in Kaohsiung) reminds me of my ex. Hahahaha!! It's not that funny really.. but I HAD to laugh because the reasoning seems STUPID. And writing about it would seem even more stupid but anyway.. Taiwan reminds me of my ex because I'm surrounded by Chinese! hahahahha!! And I swear some of the guys here looked like him. HAHAHHAHAHA!! There was a time when I walked around and saw this one guy and I thought; Oh - my - God!
But of course, that random guy didn't kept eye-contact and said nothing when I walked past him so it couldn't be him.

Aaaaanyway, Sylly.. if you are reading this.. I've been thinking about you, obviously. Sorry.

Kinda been wanting to call to say hi.. or something. But he didn't even reply to any of my Facebook messages.. So.. heh. Perhaps you can't really be friends with an ex.
I suppose Arep is just one odd human specimen to still want my friendship. (One more thing I am thankful of!)

I've been thinking a lot about a lot of things of late. Kinda wanted to write about it but I'm not sure I want to actually remember about it in the future.
Ah.. battles in my head.

I should quit smoking.

Currently listening to..

Demi Lovato's Catch Me


So yeah.. I'm Taipei and getting homesick by the minute.
sigh..

Mini gathering..

Mummy and Daddy's wedding reception went well..
Still funny watching Daddy all serious. hahahha!
We basically had a mini gathering there.. Most of our batchmates were there. It was nice seeing everyone all dressed up!



Okay, I haven't got any complaints so..
That's it for today!

Have a merry married life, Mimi & Hasse!! ♥

You KNOWW??

A close friend tied the knot today..


I can honestly say that I was nothing but sincerely happy for Mimi and Hasse. I had a good giggle seeing Daddy acting all serious.. hahaha! They really are one of the cutest couple I've met. Two good souls.. I am blessed to have gotten the chance to get to know them..
Now I'm actually looking forward to the reception tomorrow!

I must confess that I am pretty awkward at social gatherings -- which had led me to hide in the car with Alif, waiting for Murni to arrive earlier.. hahahha! We're horrible, and we know it!
But I am really looking forward to tomorrow -- mostly because Encem will be around; so I can hide behind him. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

After the ceremony, Alif and I went to the mall and Arep came to join us. It was nice.. just hanging out with two of my closest guys.
I WAS thinking of calling Arep while I'm on this holiday break but things just kept coming up, so I really am glad that today happened.

I had a good day.. That's what I am trying to say anyway.
My holiday is ending and I can't help but wish that I could have it extended. Although, I need to keep in mind that I need to work to pay my bills and buy myself some nice things. Gah!
Sucks to be thinking of "working" for the money when I had never been that kind of person to begin with.

I hope the good days will keep coming.
Take care, everyone.
(I run of words fast when I'm not whining or complaining about something, I know..)

You don't Poke me anymore..

I know that one shouldn't compare relationships..
But I can't help it when you've had two very different ones. I can't help but wonder.. Perhaps I never knew what I wanted after all, and that's why I am never happy.

Okay, even I know that isn't true.
I can feel it in my guts that I am close to the elusive "happiness".. I just need to tweak some little things in my life.
I need to be able to talk again.
There was a time when I had no trouble talking about my feelings; mostly because talking was the only thing I could do.

I've learnt that when your other half is next to you, you tend to get distracted easily. Not a good thing when I am someone who needs to build up a courage to talk about things that matters. sigh.

So anyway.. To be frank, things have been extremely quiet.
I rarely ever talk for the past week even though the voice in my head is practically screaming at me. My heart is hardly numb even though I've been secretly wishing for it to be just that. I've ran out of words to write in letters so I'm getting pretty great at daydreaming.
Mostly about me trashing a place or punching some faces until they became disfigured. Mostly gruesome stuff that involves a knife that I'm beginning to think that this bottled up feelings is like adding fuel to the flame that is my anger issues.

Not speaking out = rage.
Who would've thought?

I am just as emotionally tired as I had been the last time I blogged.
Nothing much have changed really -- just less spoken words. What's the point of talking when the words are just forgettable, right?
I think I am trying to give up trying. I refuse to take responsibility.

Honestly, I need a friend.
ONE particular friend actually. But he doesn't seem to get how badly I need him I guess.
Oh well.. I'll live.. For as long as I can anyway.

Patience is thinning.

The little respect I have left for you just walked out the door.
Ignorance is your new bestfriend.

Must you call me only when you need something.. or trying to locate someone?
You have left me in this little island on my own and you have the nerve of asking me petty little questions??
Grow up.
Seriously, GROW UP.

I am surrounded by kids, honestly.
Not trying to say that I am THAT mature, but God knows I am not THAT needy too.
ughhh!

I can't find my deodorant and that stupid little thing just brings up a whole lot of dissatisfaction that I actually have in my life. I need to grow up now!
I'm finding solace in music now..
Paramore to be exact. hahahha!
Just enough "noise" I've gotta say. I'm excited that I'll be seeing them perform live tomorrow night. Been hearing sound-checks all day today from across the road. (Oh yes, I live across from the venue!)

I find this funny actually. Remembering hearing Usher's songs when he came to perform a few months ago. A few 'pros' living in this apartment. Cons would be -- TRAFFIC!

Oh.. Am I glad that I was born fickle minded..
badaba badaba ba da..

Emotion sickness.

I'll ignore you by ignoring myself.

Feels like it has come to that in the relationship.
Don't get me wrong, I love my man and I believe that he loves me back just as much. I am crazy about him but at the same time he is driving me crazy.

So.. I'll ignore my feelings so I could ignore him.. somehow.
Perhaps I AM choosing to be miserable. I don't know. But I do know that I only write when I am so it doesn't seem fair to the boyfriend or myself. I suppose if you're an outsider, just stumbling over to this blog.. you would think that I am emotionally inclined to masochism. Or just stupid -- which would be the more "obvious" word.

Last weekend Dida suggested that I see a psychiatrist.
I've always wanted to go but I don't know what's been holding me back. Perhaps just the fact that it will require me to spend money when I fully expect the shrink to tell me something I'd known for a very long time.

Doc: You're cuckoo
Me: Thank you, Doc. Here's your money.

It'd be a waste of money and time honestly. Mostly because I don't TALK much. Not as much as I write anyway. Sure, I can talk about my job.. about my day.. about the cute dresses that I see at the mall.. but NEVER about what I feel.
Stupid defected brain. I shall blame the countless of times that I fell during my childhood. heh. I shall blame everything on my childhood and Freud would be proud.

Anyway.. I need to fix myself. Dida reckons no one could save me from myself -- not her exact words but that's what she basically means. She reckons that I need to fix myself before.. anything, and I agree. I should fix myself.. perhaps only then I could be "happy".. what ever that really means.

Some days I do identify bliss, but some days all I want to do is hide under the coffee table in the living room. It's not particularly spacious, but it's just enough for me to hide from the world. Just the world -- if only I could hide from my thoughts and feelings.

Oh well.. it's half past nine here in Korea. Boyfriend's in Delhi. blablablaa.. In order for me not to think or talk about him, I shall go to sleep. I'm not feeling too well anyway. Between having too much gas from drinking too much Cola and being emotionally sick that I'd cried listening to a song from Camp Rock 2 'cause it hit close to home (I know, WTF!) and over thinking about a scene from Eat, Pray, Love.. I really should get some shut eye. I haven't gotten much of that since I had to wake up for work yesterday afternoon. Damn night flights.

So goodnight, dear world.
Please be gentle to me come morning.

And Then You..

I was struck by a thought last night that got me stunt.
Then followed by a string of curses, naturally.
A year has passed and I was slightly comforted knowing that I've changed.. somewhat.

But of course, I haven't really....

Just when I thought that I was happy right where I am.. My heart jumped at the first idea that could lead me someplace else.

I am running away again..
Or I want to.

So now I'm sitting here this Sunday morning.. trying to figure out what am I running from exactly.
I am breaking my own heart this time.
And I am not sure if I should voice this out loud. Seems premature to be saying something when I don't know the cause of it. Why should I alarm anyone with this anyway?

Maybe some people are just not meant to linger at one place for too long, right? That it has no underlying psychological meaning or personal trouble behind it, right? They were simply made that way, right?
ughh who am I kidding.
I am a textbook of "underlying psychological meaning and personal troubles".
I am incapable of happiness. Everything is too temporary. My brain is wired to find things to be unhappy about. I accept death too easily simply because I am more morbid than all the people that I know.

Anyway..
Had a pretty good Saturday hanging out with Nina and Dida.


I find myself looking.. almost staring at them a bunch of times in the course of one day. Trying to find the words to say to them maybe, but finding none.

My life/head/heart is so messed up that even when I'm surrounded by good people, I just can't give myself away and open up.
I simply couldn't bring myself to take the leap.

General anaesthesia.

It's odd to be in a dreamless sleep.
Even odder to be blinking your eyes while you're in a room one second and suddenly be in a different room the next second.

Anyway..
Nothing much going on in my life honestly. Just boring.. Boring.. Boring..
Mostly just one big confusing emptiness.

And I'm tired of talking.. Even writing about this very specific emptiness.. But I couldn't stop thinking about it, so I'm in an endless loop of.. Pain.
No other word to describe it.
Just pure, simple, uncomplicated.. Pain.

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To age prematurely..

So I was told that I'm a good secret keeper.
The thing about keeping secrets though, unless you'd forgotten about it, the words said will keep repeating itself in your mind.
Without you wanting it, you'd keep thinking about it.. Over and over again.

Feels like I'm jumping years these past few weeks. It doesn't help that my hair are prone to turn grey at the top part of my head. Sure it made me feel like Rogue of X-Men but having grey hair doesn't bode well with a job where your looks are important.

Not sure if the ages that I've acquired is making me more mature..
To be honest I'd prefer to live in denial and pretence than to face myself at this moment. I keep hoping that I've been dreaming all along.
But I am not.
So I'm forced to face my problems head on.

Which sucks.
And heart-breaking.
I wish I could talk to my sisters about it but I doubt they will just 'listen'. And my current friends are mostly 'kids' who shouldn't be burdened by my troubles. My older friends seems to be too attached to their spouses/boyfriends that the idea of them sharing what I have to say doesn't seem like the best idea. And as much as I love and trust my far-friends.. As much as I do share with them.. They are far from here.

So all I have is myself.. Again.
Ageing twice as fast than the normal speed because I have too much to think about.
And all these things are giving me a lazy-phase about work. I am getting too damn lazy to get out of bed and make myself look pretty when I feel nothing but ugly inside.

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To be lonely.

Must I do everything alone?
Just because I can, doesn't mean I want to. Doesn't mean that I should.

I hate it when I am expected to be independent when really.. I shouldn't be left alone.

Is this what I deserve, dear God?
I am simply asking You this question 'cause I need to know. Am I destined to be alone all my life.. For real?
..because I know that no one can live that way. Not really.

So anyway, here I am in Sibu for work.. Chilling in the hotel room with two stewards 'cause I'm promiscuous like that.. Trying to distract myself from the mess that is my life, honestly.
Failing..
But at least I'm trying. Still trying.

I suppose that's something to be proud of.

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I'm not sure I want to remember this..

This part of my life..
But I figured I should live and learn, so I should write about it. I honestly have no idea how I got into such a mess..
Well, of course I know HOW but how did I LET this happen???

Shit, as if I haven't had enough reasons to hate myself already. But honestly I am feeling numb for the most part.
And lonely.
It seems to be a 'normal' feeling for people who are/were in my kind of situation, I heard.

I suppose this was the change that Bestie had mentioned the other day. But I can only feel myself changing. Not sure about Encem, but who knows.. I can't really read his mind.
But I thank God that he is the kind of person who sticks around..
Not that I 'need' him to. I suppose I was always used to the idea of handling every situation on my own. Not saying that it's the best way.. But it's the only way I know.

Speaking of God.. I don't blame Him. I do question Him though.. But not blame. I have myself for that.
He's given me a working brain and yet I put it aside and not use it.
So it's my fault.
Oh well..

It's Eidulfitr tomorrow!!
God, I hope it'll be a quiet one. heehee. No surprises please!

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Hello, old feelings.

Been a while since I'd felt this way..
Maybe "life's" been saving it only for when I am back in my parents' place.

I'm feeling miserable.
To the point where I imagined myself jumping out of the window. I swear I only get this feelings when I'm here.
There is a bad aura here. Or maybe it's just bad connection.

I love my parents..
But there are some things that they do.. That gives me no other feeling but HATE. Pure, uncomplicated HATE.
Which are making me want to leave and never look back.

Actually I've been feeling a whole lot of that lately. Some days I just can't come home -- any home!
Making me wonder how I'd do living in the streets. I don't know.. Maybe living in the streets would be too extreme.
So now I wonder if I live by myself. Having absolutely no one in my personal space.

Will I grow or crumble even worse?
Hmm...

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In CMB.

So I'm in Sri Lanka..
Just chilling out with Saravanan and Max in the crew lounge.. They're figuring out words for the scrabble game that we're playing while I'm crapping what ever in front of this screen.

It's been a crazy week -- emotionally. I swear I have no idea what's going on with my heart these days. I suppose I should pity the boyfriend for being the usual victim of the situation. Kinda. Sometimes.
But anyway.. I honestly just noticed how crazy my emotions were when last night I cried watching He's Just Not That Into You.
I mean, SERIOUSLY!!

Anyway, I'm feeling lucky to be able to fly here. Apparently we're pretty much the last set of crew to be nightstopping here since the company will only be doing daily flights to MLE and CMB starting September. And we have two days off here! Talk about being blessed. hehe.
The crews are awesome too! We've got SIX "117s" and the rest are just really really nice seniors. heehee.
Thank you, God.

We're flying back home later tonight.
I'm looking forward to going back home. Then FIVE days off!!
Yippeeeeee!

Ughhhh..

I swear I hate talking about my personal troubles but I am running low on the people whom I can talk to.
This is crap.
My life is turning out to be a massive piece of shit.

Perhaps I'm a lump of shit myself.. If that is so, I shouldn't complain right? I mean, I'm supposedly surrounded by familiar things!

But probably not.. After all, I am the type of person who gets lonely even when I am in a roomful of people.
Perhaps I should get that stamped on my brain; to not be bothered since I'll always be alone.
What's the point of fussing over things that you can't change, anyway?
I'm tired of talking.

But most of all, I am tired of feeling.
I am tired of wanting for things to change. My heart is getting old.. And it's weary of hoping.

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My poor sister..

To have to deal with me while I couldn't contain the tears in my eyes..
I suppose my emotions are going haywire again..

I swear I wish Encem would just rip my heart out already. I'm crazy tired of feeling the same lousy feeling every other day. Am I addicted to misery?? Seriously. I don't think I enjoy crying.. So why am I still in this stupid relationship?

Yes, that's what I think of it today. Stupid. I'm not in love. I'm not even in lust. So I don't know what I am 'in' really.

Ah, fuck it.

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To be speechless.

I am currently in Kota Kinabalu.
Trying to decipher exactly how I'm feeling.. about anything, right now.

Work had been demanding lately. Or perhaps I am just getting old.
It just felt like I need a vacation now or I'll start hating my "job".

Dark days looms in.
Typical.
And I've hated that since a very long time ago.

Hollow in my heart.

I'm tired..
I'm tired of not talking.
But mostly I am tired of talking but not be taken seriously.
Do I need to cry everytime I want to get my point across?

Sigh.
I hate being in limbo.
I hate having an elephant in the middle of the room.
I hate feeling the tension and in no way of solving the problem.

I hate being afraid.
I hate the idea of ending up in the way that I most feared.
I know that I need to talk about this but I can't think of anyone that I can talk to.
I am in a rut. And I am stuck here.

I am.. Clueless.
Hopeless.
But most of all, I am tired. I am so friggin' tired.

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KUL, DXB, BEY, KHI

Four timezones in four days.

I am hating my life.

I feel like I'm in a rut.

First time I felt like committing suicide because of work.

First time I cried in the aircraft's lavatory.

A much needed emotional-Heimlich was rejected.

I'm glad to be back home.. But I'm not sure if I'm actually "happy" about being "home".

Yeah, I still want to die.
Sorry for the emotional rant. Everything just blows, thanks.

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How Maybank changed my life..

HAHHAHAHAHAHA wtf, right?

I've always wanted a credit card.. Well, I wanted a credit card not long after I owned an ATM card (which happened to be when I was fourteen -- pretty young to have one, for a kid from a middle-class family in Malaysia I would say.)
I don't know.. the idea of spending without having the actual money was interesting.

Then I found out about the debts that could befall me.. which made me re-think about "wanting" to have a credit card.
The idea of spending money that I don't actually have became SCARY, to say the least.

So anyway.. I'm not really into accounts or banking.. or even planning, but a few months ago I decided to open a new banking account with Maybank after yeaaarrs of being loyal to CIMB.
Reason to doing so; just because.
I thought that I needed the second account so I would have a place to put away some money to be saved.
HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!
Right.

The thing about Maybank.. once you open an account, they'll give you an ATM card that also works as a DEBIT card.
And voila! A way to spend the money that I already have, without having the actual money in my hands! Plus, I could also set up my account with Paypal so I could shop online!
So THAT'S how Maybank changed my life.
Is it for the better?

Now let's see.. earlier today I deposited some money into that account, and when I came home I logged on to Ebay, and found myself buying TWO Moleskines!
BAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA!!
In my defense though, buying those online are WAY cheaper than buying them from say.. Borders. Seriously. So in a way, I am saving money here! theehee!
Actually I pretty much just found out that a LOT of things are cheaper when you buy them online. I don't know.. maybe because I'm in Malaysia and the shops here just marks up the prices a LOT.

So anyway.. I think I'm addicted to online shopping now.
Suddenly there are more things on my list of "The Things I Want" now..
Oh well, I'm glad that I have a job -- and lucky enough, I only call it a "job" a few times a month. Most of the days I'm just fooling around, really.
I'm thankful for that.

One more thing I am thankful about;
I am veeerry grateful to have a boyfriend who is a good cook!
Thank you, God!

Time for dinner/supper now.

..And all I could do is cry.

Being the youngest child has its perks.
But when you're a semi-depressed youngest child, those perks would turn into a reason to cry in a matter of moments.

Take this for instance..
I am having a mighty heavy heart about going to work with a runny nose later in the morning. My fever is practically gone, but the flu seems to be sticking around for the time being. A little flu sounds really minor to miss work, but when you're flying.. And your nose is blocked.. The pressurised air will press on to your eardrums and would cause a great headache.
I don't know about other people but I would usually have this one vein on my forehead pulsing with pain as the aircraft descends to land.
No amount of Valsalva manoeuvre can save me from this pain.

So I'd been contemplating about taking the taxi from Bukit Jalil to Shah Alam -- so I could go to my clinic, which I know is open 24-hours and is a panel of my company.
Guess my parents weren't too happy with the idea so they are on their way from Seremban (taking care of Nina's family who are down with a fever -- including Dida) to get me to the clinic right now.

I don't like the idea of my dad driving in the night. And I feel so selfish for making them want to fetch me. I should've just left and tell them AFTER I had seen the doctor.
I am not worth the trouble.. really.
So here I sit waiting.. Crying.. Hating the fact that I am still sickly and lonely and needy!!!

UGHHHHH!! I frustrate myself.
I keep trying to be a better person, be independent.. And yet here I am still needing my parents' help.
I am a grown woman, for God's sake!!
I hate this. I really really hate that I still seem so helpless at times.
I hate being sick. I really hate being sick.

I'd like to drop dead right about now, thanks.

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I demand recuperation!

Being in recovery from a high fever made me realize two things;
1. When "I" say that it's a high fever, it really means high-temperature and not just me being dramatic. People actually do get worried when I have a temperature as I would shiver in a room where everyone else would start to sweat, and;
2. I've been working too hard.

HAHHAHAHHAHA!!!
Well, I don't know about the second part but it really does feel like it. I mean, being in the line of job that I'm in, having the amount of off-days that I get.. I should be able to take several getaways, but I haven't!

I am a nature's person and yet, the last time I was lazing at a beach was a year ago! And the last time I had a proper picnic was in 2007!! Seriously...

So this is what I'm thinking of.. As I am lazing in this chair out in the balcony of my hotel room in Miri.. Looking out to the ocean.. With the trees dancing to the sound of the waves while the sun is setting.

I've missed a lot on LIFE. And God, I really missed it.
Sure, not everyone has got the chance to see the stars at their eye level, or the pretty lights of a city from a bird's point of view.. But I only got to see those from the constraints of a tiny window.
I've missed seeing the big picture. I've missed the pure white clouds over the bluest of skies. The breathtaking sounds of the ocean that simply makes you want to do.. Nothing -- but to just sit there quietly.. Listening...


I miss everything.
And I need to have those back in my life.

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A symptom..?

I am having a fever-cough combo here.
I was flipping my medical book yesterday and noticed that ever since I started working, I make an appointment with the doctor almost every three months. (An exception to my previous visit which was a month early.)

I haven't got around to see the doctor this time though. I HATE clinics and hospitals. So.. I'm trying to delay this. Hoping that I'll feel better before I need to see a doctor and in the same time break the 'curse' of getting sick every three months. Kinda.

Also, I'm feeling miserable since Encem is away on a four-days trip, so no one is around to look after me.
I'm sad..
No amount of phonecalls can make me feel better.

I need to renew my passport by the 28th of next month and I couldn't find any passport-sized photos lying around. I refuse to take a new picture while I'm sick!! ughhhh!!
I know this is a bit too much of complaining in one morning. I swear I wasn't trying to be annoying..

Anyway, back to being sick. Is there some kind of a disease where the person would get a fever every three months?
I told you that I was hypochondriacal; so the thought didn't fail to cross my mind.
I know that I didn't create the fever from my mind.. Nothing emotional happened every three months.. So I fear that it could be an underlying sickness that shows the symptoms through a fever every three months!

Hahahahaha!
I swear my thoughts are even more ridiculous when I am sick.

Oh well.. I should try and get more sleep...

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Wa-heyy!

Because we live in a such digital-age..
Thank you Dida for setting this up because I'm simply not as IT-savvy as she is.

I'm bored.
Today is my one day off and I don't feel like going anywhere -- mostly because I am waiting for my package from UPS. (A thought.. I wonder if he'll be wearing the uniform. hmm..)

So anyway..
The UPS guy came!! I have my new toy in my hands now! Yeeehaa!


Oh this reminds me how I used to have a thing called SAVINGS! bahahahhaha!!
Despite living in a digital age, I still adore old-fashioned photography. Which is why I shall use my next pay to get my Nikon SLR cleaned.
I've always wanted an instant camera. I used to wish that I'd find the film for Mama's old Polaroid that we never got around to use, but anyway.. Now I have my own Instax! It's not at all handy but I'm LOVING it!!

So this makes my list of "The Things I Want" a little shorter. Took me YEAAAARRRSS to struck this one out. (As you could see for yourself, I've been editing my pics on Photoshop so it'd look like it's from an instant camera since February 2008!! hahahha!)
I wish Encem had the day off too so we could walk around and play with the camera. sigh.. Next time I guess. Bestie should come along too!

Oh I'm peckish.
Think I'll go down to 7-Eleven and get something. *giggle*

That suicidal feeling..

Or perhaps the intense regret.
The deep, deep desire to turn back the time and forget my need say what I 'needed' to say when what I needed the most is to learn to keep things bottled in.

What was I trying to achieve by saying what ever it was that crossed my mind anyway?
Funny how I knew what would happen, ignored it, and felt surprised when it turned out exactly how I'd thought it would.

I swear, sometimes I am just plain stupid.

I am in a dark place now.
So just leave me alone.

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I am trying..

Sometimes I caught myself thinking about other guys.. And wonder.
Isn't that... Wrong?

Sure, I can't expect anyone to be perfect when I am nowhere close to perfection myself.
But..

I am sad..
I am always sad around this time of the month.
Time and time again I've reminded my guy to love me more when I am feeling sad, but I suppose that may be a little too much of a thing to do.

I feel like disappearing.
To go away without a word and never come back. If there had been a door to a different dimension, I would've gone there. Who would miss me, it wouldn't matter.

Life is good.. The things or people who hadn't been good do not matter to me.
But around these times, I keep feeling nothing but sad.
Intensely sad.

And I'm thinking about another guy..
Wondering if I'd feel just as sad had I been with him..

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Anniversaire Heureux..

Did you know that it's been one year?

It's been one year that I've been flying..
Congratulations Batch 09/09 for sticking around! It's amusing to think about the first day in training.. The Cherating trip where we studied for our safety exam because we rocked like that.
So anyway.. It's been a year! *pats self on the back*

Also.. Today marks a year that I've been with Encem. (He picked the date, anyway.) I must say that we fight a lot -- to the point where we decided not to go to Midvalley together because we always end up fighting when we go there. But I'm glad to say that after one year, we still have the hots for each other..

I had completely forgotten about this blog's anniversary last month! Eight friggin' years!! I swear it's the longest relationship I've ever had..
I know that just shows how demented I really am.
Oh well..

So anyway.. It's been a year. It's been sweet, it's been great.
I am feeling nothing less than mushy right now but I don't think this is the best place to express all the ooey-gooey things that I'd want Encem to know; since he rarely ever reads this blog. So..

It's been a year.
Just letting you know.

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#crewlife

As much as I believe it in my guts that I am 'meant' for this kind of 'work'... I do get lonely sometimes.

Last night I fell asleep halfway through the Nederland and Espana World Cup Finals.. Because it was too quiet here in my hotel room.
In Jakarta.
I wish I was with with my friends.
I wish that I was with Encem.
I didn't feel like socializing with my crew.. ughh!

I woke up at 6 this morning.
Hardly three hours of sleep. And I had wanted nothing else but to talk to my guy but that isn't really smart - financially. sigh.

So I get homesick. Sometimes.
It's no fun.
I want to get home soon.

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About THINGS..

I just realize how having money makes you want to spend MORE.
It's terrible!!
I'm hoping not to be a shopaholic, but I'm afraid that I might turn into one.
I know I spend a lot on food, but that's just how I've been brought up honestly. When it comes to food -- it's okay to splurge! Even if that means going to Sakae Sushi three times in two weeks!
Bahahahahha!!
Okay, that is probably too much. But I can't help it! Dida and Encem had only recently 'accepted' sushi so now I can eat MORE sushi! Previously the only Japanese food they'd eat were teppanyaki and Pepper Lunch! Oh.. tempura too but that's not too exclusive to the Japanese, is it.

So anyway.. I forgive myself for wanting to have good food all the time. Even if those expensive, delicious yummies will turn into poop in the morning.. It's worth all the trouble. (Work to get the money.. Money spent on gas/transport/parking space..)

But when it comes to things.. I feel guilty spending on those. So I feel bad about wanting things.
For instance, I just ordered a Fuji Instax 210 online. Sure, I've been wanting some kind like a polaroid for yonks.. (You have no idea!) But earlier, a guy from Mooks told me that the Diana F+ can produce instant pictures as well with an add-on. But seriously, if I buy a Diana F+ without the extra lenses.. It'd be such a 'waste'.. Which made me consider getting the Diana F+ Deluxe Kit that Bestie had wanted so badly some months ago. (But I told him that it is too damn expensive comparing to the pay that we get..)
Which is true.
But!!
Damn it! Damn Bestie and his jelly lense for his Digital Harinezumi that made me want a fisheye! Rawrr!!

So..
Instax *for now* or just go for the darned Diana F+ Deluxe Kit then buy the damned Instant Back?
Gahhh!!
I hate thinking about spending money! Especially since I can't really be sure if I'll get bored of the things that I buy in one month. *Ponders about the closetful of dresses that I bought but haven't worn much due to a lack of occasions*
Sigh.

And I still want that Mukka Express.. (Still seems fun to play with!)
And I haven't even started saving on a pair of Christian Louboutin's. (Supposedly my goal for my 25th birthday..)
And I want to travel -- for holiday, and not just for work.

Oh sigh.. In a way, I'm glad to be fickle minded and have a quite logical mind. I know that I won't spend as much as I want to at the moment.. but it's good to rant about it anyway.

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UPDATE!

I am definitely NOT getting a Diana F+! yayy! Too much hassle if you ask me as it uses a 120mm film. ughhh! I've seen that crap. It's hard to work with and I bet I'll be too lazy to practice to become a pro at it.
Oh I don't know.. I just need to get my hands on an Instax soon for me to shut up, really.

Late night WK.

So a few weeks ago I bought a French-press; wanting to own one for MONTHSSSS! Not Bodum though since it's just too damn expensive for my logic.

Which then led me to want a coffee grinder. And after weeks of looking around I noticed that the only ones sold in KL are made by Krups and DeLonghi. I wanted one that was straight-forward.. nothing fancy.. Tried looking online but I was afraid of being disappointed so I settled for DeLonghi's yesterday.

The same day, I bought coffee beans from Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf; Java Espresso and the Caramel Vanilla because Encem shoved the bag to my nose and it smelled so damn nice!

Then we head home.. Picturing myself making a pot of coffee.. Taking a break from rearranging things in the new apartment.. Coaxing Encem to stop cleaning and have a cuppa with me..
And Encem broke my thoughts by saying; "we don't have a kettle.. So - no coffee.."

Damn it!!
Good thing we haven't reached home then.. Alif was driving us through the traffic so we made a detour to Carrefour!

Okay, so this story has nothing to do with WK -- but I promise you, I'm getting there!

The first thing I did when I got home was make a batch of caramel vanilla coffee.. And just now Encem requested for the espresso. SO! We are now at Marvina's Corner and watching the Espanol - Portugal match!

I don't like the crowd, by the way. The 10pm-match crowd are by far better than this. Which is why I am blogging -- instead of actually watching the game. Heh.

Oh, and at the moment, Encem's outside smoking.. And making friends with the guy that works here. Typical!

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Airplanes..

I expect myself to write about my SNY flights for my next entry while I wrote my last entry..

But all I could think and feel right now is how foreign I am at the moment.
And it's raining in this land..

I came home from flight yesterday seeing that a bunch of my things are already gone.. Moved.. Room empty except for my cluttered IKEA foldable table that I use as a dressing table. Bookshelf gone.. Dresser, gone..

Suppose I should commend Encem for doing a good job moving all those things out but all I'd felt was an intense hollow.
I was sad seeing everything gone. Encem wasn't around.. Home was just four walls with a roof.
It was a cold, empty shell and I couldn't help but feel a pang in the heart.

So I changed from my uniform, and packed the knick-knacks that was left behind.. And waited for Encem to get back.
We had dinner, moved the rest of our things with two trips.. And said goodbye to Green Avenue Condominium.

Hello, Arena Green Apartments.
I shouldn't complain since all my things are here.. And there's a balcony!
I should be excited about the balcony but all I could see in my head now is how dark and empty my bedroom in GAC looked as I walked past it through the hallway..
As it had looked the first day we moved in there..

The first day..
Before everything..
Before Encem and I was Encem and I..


Sure we're still together anyway.. But no more peeking from the bedroom window at the sound of the wheels of our trolley bags on the tiles..
No more Bestie calling our names from the hallway..
No more goodbyes to our friends from that bedroom window..
So I'm sad.
This land I'm in is foreign. The noises are foreign. And Encem is flying through Manila...

I need a hug..
And also a shower since I'll be flying to Dhaka in a few hours.. or maybe I should save that until I return in the morning? Hahahahahha!

Oh well.. I'm sad. That's all I have to say, really..

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If I marry..

As it is "normal" for one to be married some day..
I would imagine it would be for the "right" reasons;

Love..

For the most of it anyway.
To procreate would be a blessing, considering one would want to procreate with the person you love. I assume that it's a natural feeling.

Monetary stability is a bonus.
I wasn't brought up to depend on my future spouse in this area. In my head, when it comes to superficial matters, it is best to be independent.

But anyway, I hate thinking about marriage from those view points. To be honest, marriage seems a bit unnecessary to me so to be "lawfully" entwined as if I actually cared about it in the first place would require an excuse that is just as illogical or cannot be explained -- like "LOVE".

So..
It upsets me when I hear someone giving a reason to why they should marry.
It should just be about love.. That you can't imagine your days without her. That you want to always come home to her. And if a stupid license/paper would stop other people from nosing about how you spend your nights, then let's have it!

And not about what you can accomplish once you're married...
That is just.. Stupid.
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8:30am - 5:30pm

May I just say.. That I am bodily and soul, weren't made for office hours!
It's a nightmare, I swear to God!
A slow and aching nightmare!
I am more than glad that I'll be finishing my conversion class next week!!

2 weeks.. 5 exams.. My brain may be too old for study-books and my body is no longer accustomed to routines; such as waking up at the same time every single morning.
How can anyone do it.. I have no idea. I became even more lazier everyday!

Next Tuesday I'll be doing my first test-flight to Manila.. Wish me luck!
Exams don't scare me as much as the actual work does. You know how some people are book-smart while some are street-smart?
I am always worried of the social part of everything! Working in this line, getting along with everyone is crucial. And on the Airbus, you'll have SIX extra people that you need to get along with! Ughhh..
Scary..

Encem worried me today by failing one of the two exams we had.. sigh.. I hate how careless he gets sometimes.

I'm sleepy....
I'd wanted to type more but I can barely keep my eyes open anymore. So.. I'll catch you guys later..

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Let's say..

Kalau ada orang cakap kau BANGANG, kau SUKA ke kalau aku asyik ingatkan kau pasal tu?? Paling hebat, aku tak ingat pun kenapa orang tu panggil kau bangang!
Which is why aku asyik tanya kau jugak la kenapa orang tu panggil kau bangang. I don't know.. To get the story straight kot. Senang sket bila aku nak cita kat orang lain yang haritu ada orang panggil kau BANGANG!
Kan?
Aku dah takde idea sangat nak cita ape, so aku kenela cakap pasal kau dipanggil bangang haritu.

Thanks.
Thank you so much for understanding me oh so perfectly you idiot jerk!
Do not apologize when you don't even know why you're sorry. It's meaningless and absolutely pointless! So save your breath. I already hate you for this.

Fuck.

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Dear Boyfriend,

I hope you're enjoying your birthday with your precious sleep. As you should know, this is YOUR day after all and I really should let you do what you want.

I am trying my best not to be all too cranky with how the day is turning out. I'd wish we could spend the day together but I should let you do what ever that makes you happy, and yes, I understand the bit where you've missed waking up at what ever time perfectly.

Oh well, I should stop being too clingy anyway.

So, Happy Birthday.
Hope you'll enjoy the rest of your 24th year as well..

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If I could have one wish..

I'd like to see life without me in existence.

Would everyone be better off?
Do I really make a difference?

Sometimes I feel like I am the anchor to the lives of the people around me; the one person that manages to hold the ships stuck to one place.

Yeah... So I'm feeling low.
I want to be taken out of the equation. Just get lost and never return..

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I should be studying.

The conversion class is going pretty smoothly. Though I've been having trouble remembering what the acronyms actually stands for. Hence the need to study -- just in case there'll be those kinds of questions. Grrr.

I think I'm PMSing.. Mostly because I've been pretty easily upset these days. I mean let's face it, I'm not the chirpiest bird around but I'm not the kind who mopes around either. (I save those times for when I'm in my bed.)

I don't really have anything much to blog about but for the sake of distracting myself from actually reading my chocolate-brown manual, you'll just have to bear with me at this moment.

I think my memory is failing me even more than usual these days. Dida theorize that it may be the effects of my exposure to constant smokes.
Errr...
I do plan on quitting. When exactly, I don't know. I figured that I am surrounded by smokers anyway, it's going to be tough so I haven't bothered trying. Hahahaha!
Although I should have a stock of Taiwan's Marl-Lite at hand; since it's so light, I managed to slow down as smoking had lost its purpose -- as if there had been one!

Anyway... It's just something to do. Some people drink, I smoke. But perhaps I should take up drinking since I don't drive anyway..
Bahahhahahahahahaha!!!

Funny how I find myself wanting to explain why I said what I said to people whom don't know me well for fear of being misjudged.
And funny how I keep telling people, and myself that I don't give a rat's ass about what they think of me.
Even funnier is why I wanted to be accepted so badly sometimes -- so I could have an easy ride through life.

But honestly, if I can't say what I want to say.. but I say it anyway, and be misjudged by the people whom don't even know whether I was being serious or simply jesting.. I really shouldn't care of their thoughts of me.
The idea of me being someone else for the sake of superficial happiness.....
Ughhh!!
I can't continue ranting about this. Simply absurd.

So sometimes I'm nutty, sometimes I'm serious.. But most of the time I am just kooky. Love me more when I'm PMSing 'cause that's when I'm easily stuck in my own world. What ever I am at the moment.. I am worthy of love.

Sometimes I fear of being branded as having an "attitude problem", but I should be able to say my mind and so do others. Their failure to say it back is THEIR attitude problem!
Hahhahhahaha! Right?
I think I'm having a surge of abstract thoughts that I'm not sure if anything I've said even relates.
Oh well.. You'll live. Click 'Next blog' if you must.

My clouds are a light shade of gray.. I am in that phase where I am creating troubles in my mind.
I don't know.. Feels like Snow Patrol lyrics right now;

Those three words are said too much, they're not enough..

So I'm needy and clingy and what ever you may call me. I deserve to be loved anyway, so suck it!

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Looong weekend.

And not necessarily a good one.

I got three days off after a three days trip with one of the silliest set of crew I've ever had. They were so much fun, we'd wished that it hadn't been just a three days trip. Sad.

Anyway, been spending this past three days in Seremban.. Getting in touch with my family in a way.
But I've always been detached anyway so you can't make me feel any less awkward.

Izzati had lost a few teeth since I last saw her.. Farhana still has that healthy yet slightly worrying appetite.. And Aqilah managed to call me "Aney", which then followed by Dida saying; "roti telur satu!"
Sigh.

I'm bored..
And it's hot over here.
I miss my dark bedroom and its smell.
The door of our (mine and Dida) bedroom here just locked itself for however reason. Sucks big time.
And to top it off, I miss Encem though I probably shouldn't. After all, I'll get to see him everyday for the next three weeks since we're going to have our conversion class together.

Ughh.. Back to MAA. I have no idea how to wake up at the same time every single morning. Not anymore anyway. My body has gotten used to non-routines!
Traffic.. Sitting the whole day.. Same food in the cafeteria.. Ick!

Okay, I shouldn't complain too much. For all I know, I could be enjoying the time I'll be having!
Although, I wish it wouldn't be as long.. I like flying! And the allowances! Hahahaha!

Worries me a bit that I'm planning to move out at the end of this month. So many things to do before the month ends! And Encem's birthday is next weekend!!! Eeeep!!
Damn Gemini.. ughhh!

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