Subway and Iced Lemon Tea.

Brisbane.
Eight hours flight.
Eight hours fifteen last night, though. Headwind probably, I don't know. It was a one heck of a tiring flight. I made a mistake with one of the special-meals, but fortunately my supervisor didn't JUST blame me as the passenger hadn't said anything himself. pshh!!

Idiot guy. He ate his mother's special-meal and wanted to blame me for it. I wouldn't have handed the damn box to him if they hadn't switch seats! Grrr..
Anyway, I'm really glad that my supervisor wasn't angry at me. I've never -- NEVER made a mistake with the special-meals before! So yeah, I was irked by this.

Oh well.. That was yesterday.
I had a good day today. My colleague and I went to the Gold Coast earlier. Took the train, and boy it was a long ride!
I shopped a lot today. I don't know.. There really isn't anything in Australia that you can't find back home (except maybe Woolworths!) but I'm always able to find something to buy over here! ughh!
Monokini.. Dresses.. HRC pin.. (whee!)

I talked to a bunch of strangers today. Pretty odd considering that I am not the kind who usually initiates conversations. There's the woman on the train who was into crystals for meditations..
The Brazilian shopgirl that keeps making me try out some clothes -- that I eventually bought!
And there's Jose.. The Puerto Rican cashier at Surfer's Paradise Hard Rock Cafe. I really liked him. He's really nice to chat with.

My colleague thought that he looked scary; his body was full of tattoos, but really.. He's quite soft spoken, and the things he talked about was just my kind of topics! I kinda hope that there is a way we could stay in touch. I don't know.. Being in this biz, meeting all sorts of people -- and a heck load of them, after a while you acquire a talent of reading people. People that you'll get along with. Even if you only had fifteen minutes to connect.

My colleague reckoned that Jose was interested in me. Well, she was obviously too busy picking out a tee to listen to the things that Jose and I talked about.
I must admit that this must sound odd, but here I am in my hotel room.. thinking about a man I talked to for less than a half hour, and feeling a twinge of regret. I really wish I could talk to him some more. He seems like the kind of man I could have deep conversations with over coffee. If he wasn't attracted to me, I am definitely attracted to him!
In an odd, philosophical sort of way.. I would love nothing more than pick at his brain!

So yeah.. Despite going to Surfer's Paradise, meeting Jose was the highlight of my day. I've always said this, but really.. What makes a place special is really the people. It's just like going on a roadtrip.. You won't remember the long car ride when you are stuck with great friends.

I have 20 dollars left in my purse, and I think I still have some things to get from Woolworths! sigh.. I need to find a cure to my obsession with supermarkets. (I miss Albert Heijn!!)

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Sibu.

Oooh! The new rooms here actually reminds me of Hyatt KK! ..somewhat.
Really, what a difference! The old rooms were.. really OLD! Old furnitures, old tv, old carpets.. They're just old!
Anyway, I just got here three hours ago and I'm already bored. sigh.

And a bit sad too, to be honest.
I don't want to talk about it. It's just one of those things that are just too lame to admit. ughhh..
Just know that I am here in Sibu, and feeling sad.

I always thought that it's better to say all the things that you mean to say anyway.. I mean, instead of letting the words run around your mind for a whole day.. might as well just say it out loud right?
I guess I keep forgetting the fact that I may not like the response I would get from the words that I said..

mmph.. I suppose I just got stupid.

I only got two hours of sleep last night, so I am super duper sleepy at the moment. But I'm afraid that if I sleep now, I will have trouble sleeping later! So.. ughh! TORN!!
My set crew are pretty cool today. The Leading is well known for making drinks for the crew; a very rare trait to have amongst supervisors. It's nice.

As I've mentioned in a previous entry, my company has been keen on having new intakes. Well.. it feels like everyone's leaving. I know a bunch that's leaving to join either SQ or CX. Can't blame them. The grass always seems greener on the other side.
Just the other day, a passenger of mine; well, an elderly couple really.. The man held up the classifieds section of the newspaper and showed me the ad for Qatar Airways, saying that I should go. His wife agreed and handed me the section. They were both saying that the pay's better. I stared at it a second and said, "well, I don't know.. Even with my parents living just 30 minutes away, I don't see them as often as I should. Don't know what'll happen if I'm in a whole different country."
The couple nodded.. and asked for the section back. hahahahha!!

mm.. yeah.. When it comes to my case, you shouldn't worry about me being homesick. It's always about me not wanting to come home..

Anyway! MAS interview on the 26th this month..
For you hopefuls, hmm.. What I can say is this; they won't judge you solely on your looks, but you must be presentable and tidy. They want to hear you talk, but at the same time you have to listen. It's good to connect with your fellow interviewees. Make friends even before you enter the room. It is not the time to be shy; if they ask you to dance -- DANCE!
Smile even when you're nervous. Don't be too afraid to laugh.

At one stage of the interview, the interviewer asked me what my talent was and I said "writing".. She then asked me how am I going to show them (there were three interviewer, and six interviewees) my talent. I told them that if they give me a pen and a piece of paper, I would write something for them nicely.. and then giggled like an idiot. Had I known that they needed proof, I would've told them that I sing.. but anyway, you basically just have to go with what ever they throw at you.
But talk about what you know. I know Encem talked about nasi dagang at one point of his interview. I talked about blogging.

There is always a chance where you can show the interviewers just who you are. So if you are trying out, good luck!

Seremban.

Current location: Starbucks, Jusco Seremban 2
Drink of choice: coffee-based, Caramel Frappucino, Venti

So I've been acting a wee bit like a brat. Not obviously.. I think.
I enjoy seeing my sisters and the Kiddies, but last night's flight was pretty strenuous.. I was tired.. And the bed in Kina's guest room isn't exactly to my liking.
The result; I woke up at 6.. And 9.. And eventually at 1:30..

I was hungry, and though I kinda wanted to NOT eat (because I've been feeling like I've been eating a LOT these days) I notice that measly things just ticked me off.
So apparently all I needed was some sandwiches and coffee in my system..

Now I'm ready..
Hello, World! How are you?

Everybody else is at the karaoke at the moment, and I should join them soon. But the thing about one, SINGLE day off.. It always stresses me out in the sense that I get torn between social 'obligation' and what I want.. Or in this case, NEED to do.

What is the point being around people when you're feeling all so crappy anyway? I prefer saving them from the unpleasantries, thanks!

I'm having a nightstop in Sibu tomorrow. That usually nerves me up a bit. Famous Sibu -- for the ghost stories at the hotel!! The town itself is unexciting, there really isn't anything to do except staying in and watch some mindless television.
Funny how I don't need a tv..

I remember in Form 3, my dad was so furious that I was glued to the tv (instead of studying for the big exam) so much that he moved it into my bedroom. haha! I was such a problematic child..
Oh well, I ended up with just 3A's that year.. Whatever.
I suppose I grew out of that.

Oh! Just got to the karaoke place. A guy here just told me that I can't bring any outside food or drink in; that he could keep it aside until we leave -- it's the LAW. Hahahahahhahahahahahaha!!
I swear, some people are just stupid. Honestly I kinda wanted to see if I'll get arrested for bringing the rest of my frappucino into the room, but I suppose I could save that moment for when I actually blow up to something else that 'matters'. Whaling.. Oppression..
O yeah, I guess that thing about me is still the same; argumentative, short tempered.. Excrutiatingly blunt.. (poor English substitute teacher..)

Time to lose my voice now..

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Khas buat Wantan :)

Orang slalu dedicate lagu.. Aku dedicate blog entry, boleh?

So apparently adeela budak skolah aku yang follow blog ni. hmm..
Perasaannye: Segan.
Entah. Maybe sebab in a way aku rasa aku yang skarang dah lain kot dari dulu.. Tapi in the same time sama jugak! Cemana nak explain?
I guess kalau korang baca dari first entry blog ni (yakni pada bulan Jun, SEMBILAN tahun yang lalu..) maybe korang boleh judge sendiri lah whether aku masih orang yang sama or berlainan.

Anyway, ada satu menda yang stuck kat kepala aku dalam salah satu email aku dengan kawan skolah aku ni.. Ayat dia;
"btw, it is so nice of you to respond to my message.. I know you so well when we were in school. Ko jenis malas nak layan orang and suka buat hal sendiri."
Ini ayat daripada classmate aku yang duk dekaaat ngan aku time Form 4.
It makes one think..
Macam.. Kot ye pun aku antisocial rasenye aku still mau kot reply message! Hahahaha.. Lagi lagi since aku memang kenal sender nya.

Lain la kalau tak kenal, pastu message kat Facebook cakap "ai, nk bknalan ble?"
Mengeja pun tak lepas, ada hati nak berkawan.. Eeeee!!

Oh, back to topic.
Sejujurnya aku memang jenis buat hal sendiri. Aku faham kadang kadang tu bila orang "menyebok", sebenarnya dia concern.. Tapi aku tak pandai nak concern tanpa rasa macam penyebok! Hahahaha!

Wantan tanya kenapa entry aku selalu cerita pasal rasa kosong.
Aku pun tatau lah. Maybe sebab bila aku happy, otak aku tak banyak fikir kot? So aku pun tak blog.. Bukan nak kata aku tak penah happy, tapi antara reason aku kurang bercerita pasal benda happy sebab aku takut nanti aku jinx that happiness. Cam ye yee je aku seronok pastu next second merundum aku jatuh!

Lagi satu, buat masa ni menda yang buat aku happy selalunya si Kera. (Sori kalau korang konfius; Kera, Encem, Boyfriend, Anak Ikan Patin semua adalah orang yang sama.) Tapi dia jenis private, so aku rasa bersalah sikit bila aku cerita pasal dia. Like I'm violating his privacy lak.
And aku taknak blog ni jadi shrine untuk dia! Maka terciptalah berdozen entry lembu gila kat blog ni macam Kera lah boyfriend paling tak best di dunia..

Tapi pusing pusing, Kera lah penglipur lara hati aku time aku sunyi. Sakit hati cemana pun aku kat dia, dia sorang je lah yang aku memang genuinely rindu. Dialah Encem, kalau aku pandang muka dia lama lama aku rase aku nak geget hidung dia! Muahahaha! Dia je sabar layan saiko aku. And aku memang saiko. Aku menyampah bila dia layan aku lain depan kawan kawan kitorang. Tapi secretly itu one of my favourite things pasal "kitorang".
Tak perlu la kitorang buat kengkawan lain naik mual kan? Tapi Bestie la kot terpaksa menahan kadang kadang sebab dia paling biase hang out ngan kitorang. hehe

Bak kata ada sorang kawan aku ni.. "You're not depressed, you're just brooding."
Mungkin betul lah tu. Belum cukup lagi apa yang aku ada. Dari kecik aku memang susah nak dapat apa yang aku nak, so focus aku kat benda lain. Material satisfaction is simply irrelevant since that was never the thing that I seek in the first place. Which makes it all the more harder for me to keep "happiness" within my grasp.
So what makes me happy?
Entah lah.. Hari hari pun lain. Padan muka Kera kena figure it out. Pastu padan muka aku gak sebab end up emo sensorang..

Btw, #crewlife..
Aku skarang kat CGK.. Sat tadi makan Maggi Asam Laksa in mug, sambil minum air Milo dari dalam wine glass. Amacam? Glamour tak? huhuu.. Saje je nak menggedik pakai wine glass sebab macam sadis sangat. Hahahaha!
Kat sini takleh smoking dalam bilik. Sangaaap!! Actually patutnye malam ni buat MLE, tapi mutual ngan Bestie sebab dia nak early arrival. Alhamdulillah, allergies pun macam dah habis.. And it only took two weeks! *sarcastic*

Selama tak elok elok lagi tu macam macam teori orang ada.. "Benda" melintas lah.. Kencing langsuir lah.. So aku bersyukur sangat lah rashes ni dah reda; sebelum aku kena gi carik tok bomoh mana mana.

Tadi dalam flight ada sorang pompuan mesra je bila masuk. Cakap "hai Waniee!" Pening kepala aku try ingat aku kenal dia ke idak. Crew jugak ke? Set aku tak kenal.. Sedara ke? Almaklum lah, aku ni memang jenis tak kenal sedara.. Tak snonoh! So aku end up terfikir dia kawan Dida kot.. Rase rasenya laa..
Tapi tadi buat flight Kuantan dulu, so aku tak sempat nak beramah mesra.. Flight pendek sangat, pastu full flight! Rasa bersalah je..

Maybe memang lah kesan radiation banyak sangat fly.. Aku pun takleh nak iyakan sangat since aku dari dulu memang jenis pelupa. Banyak sangat fikir menda ntah pape, space kat otak dah tak banyak nak ingat nama orang..
Tua sebelum waktu.. Alahai...

Oyy banyaknye nyamuk kat luar nihh!!! Kang mau esok aku bintat pasal nyamuk lak dah..

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What's your name again?

heehee.. So, I saw an acquaintance at the mall today. A tech crew, to be precise. We changed glances, smiled.. Funny thing was, I couldn't recall his name! And just about that moment he texted me!
BAAHHAHAHAHAHA!!
How lame was that? I couldn't recall his name when in actual fact we had each other's numbers! hahahahha!! And I'm sorry.. But I felt beautiful, hot and awesome at that moment. Hahahhaha!!

Another funny thing about cabin crew and tech crews.. We don't really like each other. Well, not I personally.. To me they're just as human as everybody else.. They just get more money doing maths and being bored sitting on their arses. But I don't know.. Everytime I tell a more senior crew that I am in a relationship with someone who is in the same biz as we do, they'd ask if he is a "driver" or a "waiter" -- like it's some sort of a big deal.
WHY is it a big deal??

I DON'T KNOWW!
I honestly don't know.
For one, I don't get friendly with anyone to get anything from them other than friendship. Someone to have a chat with over a drink. So I don't assume that they're expecting anything other than the same things that I do. I don't know.. My mind just works that way.
I don't care if some cabin crews thought that tech crews are silver-spoon fed, or that some tech crews thought that cabin crews are stupid. But yeah, I'm sorry fellow cabin crews.. I don't think tech crews are jack asses. People are jack asses. Generalizing people based on their profession is unfair. PEOPLE are asses.

If we are doing that, I guess I just have to admit that I am loose, frivolous, a party animal and EASY. Yeah. Let's go with that.
I am easy.
psshh!

Oh okay, enough of this. Gotta go. My favourite waiter is looking all too cute that I refuse to leave him alone. heehee!

Just for notes; during the house arrest I managed to buy myself a novel and a Moleskine. ughhh! I swear, I could possibly be the easiest person to get a gift for. (Let's forget the fact that the things that I like are usually pricey.. eep!)
But yeah.. can't wait for for those to get heree!!

On house arrest.

Well, not exactly but something like it.
What else would you call it when you're forced to stay home without your will??
UGHHH!!

So.. it's the 8th day of the 23rd month I've been with the company. Medical leave: SEVEN.
Okay, I'll stop obsessing about the medical leaves.. We are talking about my health here anyway! pfft. Honestly the itching gets old.. and surprisingly manageable. But the red spots.. Really.. Who would ever love seeing a red-spotted girl serving them food?

Funny though.. Late last month I was yacking about how I wasn't rostered with as many nightstops as the rest of my friends are.. I suppose God works in mysterious ways. hmmph..
Pretty annoying come to think about it.

Moving on, I was stuck in a philosophical limbo the other day..
Being a Sag.. finishing up reading The Zahir and watching The Adjustment Bureau in the same week, just gets me stuck staring into nothing in space.
A bit unfortunate for boyfriend though as he worries that he'd done something wrong -- which he probably did, (haha!) but naah.. I was just typically stuck in a philosophical question on a Monday.

I loved The Adjustment Bureau by the way! It was.. thought provoking.
Ah.. I suppose if you've been following this blog for some time you would've figured out that questions of fate and destinies always runs through my mind.

Oh! About being on house arrest.. I guess I'll just be more inclined to shop online, huh? Bahhahahaha!

By the way, I had a really good read earlier..
Boys.. (especially) READ THIS!
Read it or I'll send my allergies to you.. rawrr!

Cok ponggong lagi!

Allergy tak kurang kurang..
Tertekan.
Nak keje pon tak senang!

Maka.. dah dekat dua tahun keje, mc dah ENAM! hmmph..
Memang la aku lagi suka cuti, tapi aku tak suka cuti sebab mc! Tak cantik sungguh rekod. Aku fikir fikir.. aku NAK kot renew contract. At least memang diberi peluang untuk renew contract lah!

Bila keje dengan kompeni besar kan.. Kau dispensable. Diorang boleh ganti kau dengan senang. Kompeni aku ni lak memang tengah galak lak amek new intakes. So aku harap sangat by the time interview untuk permanent nanti, diorang tak tengok rekod mc aku. Lagi lagi since aku memang dah sakit!
Bukan suka suki malas nak keje.
Aku takde sugardaddy nak bayakan sewa umah, bil tepon aku.. Savings pon ala ala tak ada.. (Ada, tapi ala ala takde.. Dah asyik adeee je menda nak beli online, takde savings la jadinya! hahahha!)

Punye lah dedicated ni, allergy tak elok lagi tapi sempat gak la keje tiga hari.. And hari hari by the last sector, rashes start naik. Tertekannn!!!
aghhh!
Dalam masa 8 hari, aku dah pegi klinik tiga kali, tengok resit macam lebih RM150 gak lah ubat ubat semua. hmmph! Seb baik bukan bayar sendiri..

Anyway, badan tengah rase tak best..
So, 'til next time.

:(

Baru komplen sikit, dah kena lagi teruk..

Semalam aku kena allergy attack. Daripada mana, aku tatau.. Bangun pagi okay, time tengahari aku guling guling atas katil, tau tau badan dah start gatal gatal and ada merah merah. Jadi aku assume kena gigit something la. Pijat mutant ke apa..

So siang semalam walaupun badan gatal gatal ni, gigih juga aku kuar ngan Kera pegi Midvalley (lagi!) sebab lapar. Kat umah takde apa nak masak, and since gaji dah kuar kitorang biasa ada "makan besar" sekali.
Aku ni lak.. jenis degil.. Dah tau badan gatal, selamba je makan seafood! Konon sebab takde allergic seafood kan, patut tak effect la! hahhh! Harapan.. jadi makin teruk lak. Tak guna..

So terima kasih Bestie kerana bawakkan pegi klinik.. Sorry kacau momentum abiskan lauk semalam. Harapnya sempat la kenyang yee.. hehe

Kat klinik lak doktor tanya ada makan seafood tak, aku tersengih la since memang baru je lepas. Pastu dia cakap la kadang kadang orang start kena allergy walaupun selama ni tak ada. Aku anggukkan aje la, tapi masalahnye gatal dah start time siang, time aku tak makan pape pon lagi. Seafood tu cuma memburukkan keadaan je. haihh
Pastu dia tanya aku nak makan ubat ke, nak kene inject. Sebab aku tak penyabar orangnye, aku suh je la dia inject.
Cok ponggong!
Malu...
Tapi dua tiga minit lepas tu gatal gatal memang reda.. merah merah pun dah kurang. Best!

Harini badan still ada merah merah and gatal.. tapi gatal yang boleh diabaikan la. Tak seteruk malam tadi. Malam tadi memang.. hisyy.. So skarang aku tau nak sumpah apa kat orang bila aku marah. Daripada aku sumpah diorang mati, baik aku sumpah diorang gatal seluruh badan. (Kat celah bedah pun yee.) Sebab tu lagi seksa!
Plus kalau orang mati, kau tak boleh gelakkan dia. Kalau dia kena gatal.. boleh la gelak evil.
(Teruknya laa.. Mana la Tuhan tak marah.. adeke plan menda menda camni lak! isyk)

Tengah mengantuk ni. Doktor kata ubat ilang gatal ni memang buat mengantuk. Best! Aku suka ubat buat mengantuk sebab aku ni jenis susah nak tido.. Tak saba nak tunggu malam untuk makan ubat gatal lagi!
Pagi tadi Mama text tanya nak ikut pegi Seremban tak. Aku tak mau lahh. Time badan gatal gatal ni tahap kesabaran aku kurang. Kesian lak kat bebudak nanti. Kalau ada sesiapa yang nak kena marah, baik aku hadkan kepada si Kera je. heehee.

Elok elok je allergic time cuti.. Kalau kena keje time badan merah merah camni.. hisy! I tidak rela uolss!

Flight BLR Yang Happening.

Aku cakap Jepun dalam flight balik dari India.. Kau hado?? Hahhahaha!
Al kisahnya, mamat ni tido sepanjang flight, aku tak tau pun dia orang Jepun. Dah sampai KL dia on phone dia, aku ternampak tulisan Jepun.. So masa dia nak blah aku pun cakapla "byebye" yang bukan "sayonara".. Muka dia pun terkejut ceria pastu cakap Jepun sket ngan aku.. Hihihi..
Lalu crew aku yang ala ala junior beberapa bulan takjub lah dengan kehebatan aku.. Hnssss *kembang idong*

Yang kelakarnye, bakat aku cakap Jepun ala ala bakat aku cakap Jawa je.. Basic gile; set kalau orang tanya, "iso omong jowo orak?" Aku pun jawab, "sitik sitik wae.." Hihihihi

Anyway, flight malam tadi boleh dikatakan seronok gak la walaupun Indian run. Passenger tak banyak kerenah sangat (surprisingly) and leading merepek, stewardess sorang suka borak, lagi sorang bengong, Bollywood crew layankan saja kitorang, and steward 11th solo-first time 738 (dia siap bagitau time briefing yee.. hahahahha!) kaki gelak.

Pendek kata malam tadi, walaupun sleep-deprived, aku takde sebab untuk tak ceria. Alhamdulillah.. Bila dapat flight macam ni memang aku bersyukur sangat. Best kerja. Rasa cam kasi lah lagi Bangalore kalau set crew terbaik gini!
Actually kalau difikirkan balek, everytime aku dapat Indian run selalu ada je set crew yang sekepala. Every cloud has a silver lining gitu. Aku suka! Thank You Allah!

Balek dari flight tak tensen.. Jalan ke transport maseh boleh sengih kat orang lalu lalang. Maseh ada mood nak small talk dengan cabin crew lain yang kau baru jumpa.
Rasa best jadi cabin crew..

Tapi sekarang kaki aku tengah gatal.. haihh.. Doktor kata aku kena amek vitamin C. Kulit kering sebab tak cukup vitamin C.. Isyk. Sungguh aku malas nak keep up benda benda yang kena jadi habit nih; sapu losyen lepas mandi, makan pil.. Aku cuci mekap pun pakai wipes je. Make-up remover yang Mama kasi ada dalam ceruk mana ntah, kapas tak penah sentuh.. Mask tak penah nak pakai, scrub muka kalau rajin ada laa aku guna sebulan sekali -- kalau teringat!

Nasib baik la muka aku ni bukan jenis sensitif, berminyak manjang.. Kering la tapi.. And kaki ni masalah besau. Dah berbulan aku tak pakai dresses comel comel aku. Rinduuu.. Hahahaha!!
Tuhan marah kot aku tak tutup aurat.. So dia kasi aku malu sikit. Hmmm..

Roster bulan depan tak memberangsangkan. Tiga nightstop, satu night flight, yang lain daily! Bulan yang lebih lonely sebab Si Kera punya nightstop/trip berderet. Siap fly ngan Mummy lagi lak tu. Isykk.. So kita nantikan sajalah entry entry blog yang jauh lebih emo daripada biasa yee..

Esok sampai habis bulan ni aku annual leave! Yeayy!! Aku suka cuti! And harini gaji kuar.. And LaSenza tengah sale! Yeayy!! So ada sape sape kat Midvalley sekarang ni?

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Setahun setengah?

Current mood: Pensive
Current location: Shah Alam
Song currently playing: Antique - Surga Cinta

Hung out with Dida at Starbucks last night.. The result? I was wide awake at 3am despite waking up quite early during the day.
And because I was having an idea of something, I got onto my laptop and shopped online. ughhh! Not exactly a good idea. I am trying to SAVE money here, not spend more of it!! pffft!

Anyway, not that I am regretting the buy.. Just that I moved around some money in my accounts that need not to be moved. So that was just.. lame.

Tomorrow I'm doing four sectors that I'd rather not be doing.. But anyway, the month's ending and since I have a leave from 25th 'til 28th, I'm just happy to get through the next three days. (BLR flight on the 23rd.. ick!)
Since February is ending, people have been asking if I'm staying in the airline.. (We have five years contract, which we are bonded to the company for the first two years of it)

I wish I had something else to say than; "yeah, suppose I'll stay.."
Honestly, it's not that I am bored. I still find the job interesting. But really.. I couldn't think of anything else to do anyway. So that's a pretty sorry excuse to stay.
Sucks that I've been feeling OLD these days.
Oh well, at least I'm not feeling gloomy.. today. heeheee

I've been trying not to look forward to next month's roster -- for fear of being disappointed (as we always do when the roster finally came out), but I can't help it. It should come out later tonight..
gah!

I better start packing my things.

Called up to KMG.

ughh.. Of course, just when you decided that you don't want to get called up, the office thought differently.
I've never been rostered to this flight. It's one of those elusive sectors like Begawan; which I was rostered to last month but the flight was cancelled! pssh!
Kunming is one heck of a long flight. Three hours plus. It felt longer when you had less than three hours of sleep and was delayed because the passengers decided to wander around before flight.
I couldn't wait to get home but as we descended towards KLIA.. My eyes welled up in tears. I was suddenly reminded that I had no one waiting for me at home. hmmph!

Bloody resolution.
I've finally decided on one a couple of weeks ago; that I should toughen up. Nak jadi hati batu sikit. I've been crying too much for the past year that I had to put it up as a resolution! hahahaha! Bangang.

If only doctors could recommend on my medical file that giving me long flights is highly discouraged. My brain is too messed up; instead of it being mostly a physical strain.. it's actually affecting my mental/emotions a lot more.
I just get a LOT more sensitive when I am tired.
As the result, tonight I walked towards the transport area biting my lips and praying to God that I wouldn't cry in public.

Personal shit are just too messy these days. And I know it's me who complicates things mostly. I couldn't help it. I'm simply in a bad funk to begin with so it doesn't take much for the spoilt brat within me to surface.
I don't know..
It does feel like I'm making a hell lot of excuses these days.
Funny how when I was single.. I had no trouble being with myself. (err.. Okay, I've always had trouble accepting myself -- but I never really needed anyone.) But now.. it's like my body detests the idea of being with just me.

ughh! I don't think I'm making much sense.
I should head to bed early.

Sendiri lagi..

This is no longer about being physically alone.. I am just.. irrevocably in a state of aloneness.
Sure, being physically alone doesn't help either but really.. this should be getting old. I can't expect to always have someone around to be by my side. And that is not even the point!

So Boyfriend had been around for the past few days. Knowing that he's flying with Mummy today, I was hoping that someone from their set would get sick and I'd get called up for that flight! ha-ha! What are the chances of that happening? But I hoped away anyway.. I wished for it from the day I saw their rosters.. I wished for it everytime I mentioned about my standby to anyone who'd hear it.. I wished for it before I go to bed last night.
It's silly, but I'm jealous. I'm not even jealous that Mummy is flying with him.. I am just jealous that two of my favourite people are flying together and I couldn't be there!

I used to bump into Mummy during night stops and it's been months since that happen. Knowing that she'll be leaving the airline soon just makes me feel even worse.
So yeah, I am jealous so I'm sorry.. I couldn't fake any form of enthusiasm when I was on the phone with the both of them earlier. I'm a lousy loser. I'll be the one that sulks in the corner when I lose.

So today I'd spent my day being miserable and sulking.. Doing my best not to send any pathetic texts to either of them because it won't do any good to anyone. Plus, Boyfriend hates working with me. Okay, maybe he didn't exactly used the word "hate" -- I hated working with him because of his "professionalism" bullshit. He'd make me feel like all I wanted to do was cling onto him while we work. Do the service with our hands entwined maybe.
Seriously, I don't mind being professional.. but wouldn't you think it's weird when people can't even tell that we knew each other unless they saw our staff numbers? bahh! I could go on about this for hours.
Maybe he's just embarassed to have me as his girlfriend. HAHAHAHHAHA! Okay, thank you stupid-brain for letting me wander off to this particular thought.

I suppose I should stop going into this.. since Bestie has the same trouble being himself when he's flying with a batchmate. Pathetic. (Sorry!) In conclusion to this crap; Adi remains my favourite batchmate to fly with! hahahhaha!
ughhh! I'm really gloomy today. I just couldn't bring myself to do anything useful around the house. Pathetic. Perhaps I should change my name to just that -- Pathetic.

I am honestly hating myself these days. My heart hasn't been mine for a long while.. And my brain simply jumps into conclussions that depresses me. I really really need to find a sparkle in life. Because really.. I CANNOT live like this, I keep feeling sorry for myself and it's just.. horrible! I am feeling like a blip and I really doubt that anyone would notice if I go missing.
Everyone seems to be going off to some better life.. New job, new family.. and here I am.. stagnant. It's the worst feeling of all. I hate being stuck. Stuck alone, because I am such a late bloomer. I know that isn't something I can blame myself for. It wasn't as if I wanted to be a late bloomer. But I wish I had known what I'd wanted earlier.
Not now.
Not when everyone's ready to leave.

I wish I am still twenty-three.. and just figured out that I wanted to be married by twenty-five. Have a kid by twenty-six. And another at twenty-nine.
But in truth, when I was twenty-three.. I had said to myself that I wanted to have a steady boyfriend that I could possibly marry by twenty-seven. My aim was just a boyfriend! Not a husband. hahahahha! And that's what I get.. Currently twenty-six, with a boyfriend.. and marriage is nowhere in view.

Sure I could blame peer pressure when it comes to this. Most of the people I know are either engaged, married, pregnant or already planning on the second one! Then there's me.. quite by myself and feeling FRIGGIN OLD!!
pssh! Guess I'll just blame my biological clock.
Things that happened last year just gave me a different perspective all so suddenly.
What if? What if? What if??

Damn I hate being alone with all these thoughts to ponder about!

I can't erase your past.

Question:
if a (certain) woman was made for a (certain) man, would it be the same for that woman?
If that sounds a little blurry, if A was meant for B -- does that mean that B was meant for A??

Ah yes, I am talking of soulmates -- in codes. Sort of. Bestie and I agreed that soulmates exists. After all, we are pretty much obliged to. But we both agreed that even when you are with your soulmate, you were never promised of happiness with them. There was never a line that says "you will be happy once you've found your soulmate."
So anyway.. I'm thinking of soulmates.

#crewlife stuff now;
during my recent trip, I had this one particular steward whom had seem interested in me. I've gotta say that had felt nice. And funny in a way. I still can't remember his name to be honest. Bahahahha! But I liked the flattery.. The idea of someone looking forward to seeing you again.
I can be so fickle sometimes... I know.

But anyway.. can't see the point of getting anyone's attention when in truth I'd only wanted MY guy's attention. I swear it gets pathetic sometimes. I wish I hadn't given him so much power. ughh!
So Valentine's day.. was never a celebration in my household. Except during school days when my girlfriends and I would give each other candies. Encem isn't exactly one that supports Valentine's Day and honestly, I would hate it if anything "special" had to happen on THAT particular day. It'd make anything seem fake and too deliberate. WHY must you give a girl chocolate or flowers on THAT day? There shouldn't be a reason to give your girl chocolates and flowers -- and "Valentine's Day" would be the stupidest REASON of all.

I still had a good time though. We were both off on that day and for once in a VERY long time, it was Encem whom asked me out! yippee! I swear sometimes it feels like we've been together for so long that we don't even date. ick!

So.. yeah.. it's pathetic but apparently my happiness (or let's just say my good mood) depended dearly on what he does.
Pathetic.

What do women want?

Aku ni kadang kadang tak tau apa perempuan nak sebenarnye.. Tapi nak agak apa "perempuan" nak, memang susah. Semua orang lain lain..

Haritu ada member FO sorang ni cerita pasal dia baru break-up dengan girlfren dia.. Sedih lak aku denga, tapi perlu ke mata aku sampai berair kan?! Isyk.

Diorang dah bersama empat tahun lebih. Kira sebelum FO ni jadi FO lah.. Memang dari dulu dah janji nak kawin..
So akhir tahun lepas FO ni tempah cincin kawin kat Tiffany & Co. Belum sempat cincin tu sampai, minah tu mintak break-up.. Atas alasan mamat ni FO.. Tak boleh percaya.

Manusia ni kalau tak dengki, tak cakap buruk pasal orang tak boleh ke?
Kesian member aku ni tau!!
Aku tak paham cemana minah ni boleh percaya hasutan kawan kawan yang baru dia kenal.. instead of percaya apa yang si FO ni cakap.
Empat tahun.. Kau patut dah tahu peribadi seseorang tu dalam masa empat tahun!

Mamat ni pulak dahlaa jenis cerita semuanye. Minah urut nak offer lebih pun dia cerita, tapi dia tak buat apa pun. Honest. Jenis rajin call/sms..
So kenapa perempuan ni nak break??
Aku rasa, memang hati dia dah lari.. Bukan salah si FO.. Tapi pompuan ni fickle. Mungkin dah safe sangat, jadi boring.. Entahlah!

Dua minggu lepas break, cincin Tiffany & Co. sampai..

Kalau lah laki aku tetiba balek bawak cincin tunang/kawin.. Hahahahaha!!
Si FO ni sempoi orangnye.. Dengan tak malu join aku ngan kakak aku gi karaoke. First day aku kenal dia, kitorang melepak kat bilik hotel berborak sampai pagi..

I guess kalau korang jenis kesah spouse korang spend the night kat bilik the opposite sex, JANGAN la carik cabin crew ataupun tech crew.
Aku ni pon kadang kadang melepak macam tak ada boyfren nak jealous. (Jealous ke pun?) Silap dia la kot carik pompuan yang lagi senang bercampur ngan laki! Bahahahaha!!

So apa perempuan nak sebenarnye?
Kadang kadang aku terlupa apa yang aku nak.. Perasaan nak tahu tu terlebih kadang kadang tu. Tapi perasaan je la..
Belum lagi buat benda benda merepek. Hahahaha! "Belum lagi" yee..

Oi, teruk betul sekarang ni bila emosi kurang stabil..

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In Shanghai..

I am sitting in my airline's crew room.. Using another airline's crew room's wi-fi! Bahahahaha! And my steward and I are SO immersed with our Blackberry that we don't bother entertaining each other anymore. Hahahahha..
Aah.. Technology.

It's cold here in Shanghai.. It was six degrees this morning. I honestly love cold weathers -- but really honestly, it's only because it reminds me of my time in Europe years back..

I really miss Europe. Funny how I'd felt safe when I was there. It was foreign.. But somehow I felt safe. I wonder if I'd still feel the same if I get to go there again.
And I do plan on going there again.. Just that I haven't actually set the date yet. Kinda..
Well, I need to know when I'm going and only then I'll start saving for it! Hahahahaha

Anyway, I'm in a relatively good mood as you can see. Personal troubles remains the same. I am starting to believe that I lead a secret life some days. I wish I hadn't known half the things that I know.. But you can't exactly undo the things that you'd done. Even when you hit "ctrl+z", you KNOW that you've hit those buttons..

So I'm flying back tomorrow. Then I have a day off and then I'll be on a 4-days trip. Not really looking forward to that, but I've come to realize that I haven't been looking forward to anything at all these days. It's sad, I know..

I haven't got any #crewlife stories to tell you. Personal life is too overwhelming for work life to surface.
Oh yeah.. Cheers Liverpool for whooping Chelsea's arse! Bahahahha!! I thought it was amusing. (Honestly I'm just stoked that Chelsea lost yet another game, but my team decided to get stupid on their match, so pshh!)

Perhaps I should head back to my room in the next hour. Call time is in the morning and I better get a decent amount of sleep for once! I've been having some terrible dreams lately; ghosts, being chased, boyfriend cheated on me.. sorting through dead bodies..
Horrible, horrible dreams!

So dear God, please let me have a good sleep tonight, of pleasant dreams.. And please let us have a good flight come tomorrow.
I'd love nothing more than to get home safe and sound..

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Can I let go now?

"They" say you have to let go of your pride..
Now WHY do I ever listen to "them"??!!

I should always stick to being myself.. I keep feeling like being in love makes me a pussy. Always giving in. Always opening up myself and invite a whole world of hurt in.
Why?
Why honestly??
I'm trying to believe that I can have that unconditional love. But perhaps unconditional love doesn't fit me best.
I am not made to be the more loving one, I'm sorry.. But screw Auden!

So I'm letting go.. I'm letting go of that role. I shall not take the responsibility anymore.
My happiness is MINE alone, and it's foolish of me to depend on anyone else to make me happy.
Fairytales, chick-flicks and chick-lits has really messed me up. But yeah, I'm not going to be responsible for OUR happiness anymore.

I need to stop going the extra mile because I need a man that'll meet me halfway.
I need someone who WANTS me just as much as I want him.

I am BLOODY TIRED!!!!
And I'm bloody tired of feeling tired!
I feel shitty, and I know that I can change it -- and that's what sucks the most!

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Feeling like trash, thanks!

SAMPAI HATI KAU HANG UP CAMTU KAT AKU?!!
HANJJJJJ!!!!!
aku baru cakap pasal jaga hati, pastu kau buat camtu..
SIAL!!

UGHHHH!!! I swear sometimes I wonder why I even have a boyfriend..
Yeah, I say a lot of trash about the people I claim to love but apparently that's just ME. If I can't do anything passionately, I don't bother doing it at all..
So tonight, I am passionately wishing for Encem to DIE!!! ughhh!!

Okay, I just sent a hate-text and feeling completely satisfied.
Now, to a different subject, shall we?

Recently I've been wondering why can't one always.. WIN.
Like the saying that goes, you win some, you lose some.
So WHYY??
Why must we lose after we win??

I'm bloody tired of giving myself excuses.. Bloody tired of karma.. Just damn TIRED!! God, I'm tired..
And I don't want to be tired..

I'm sorry for sounding ungrateful, but I'm really not in my best mood these days.
I'm a bloody walking corpse.. that swears a lot.
I'd be that favourite zombie in that movie that's bloody entertaining to you guys. You'd come out of the cinema saying how shitty that movie was, but you'd chide in "--but that potty-mouth zombie was hilarious!"
That's who I am.

Oh, I don't know why I say half the things that I say sometimes..
Guess I better head to bed since I have an early wake-up call in the morning.
Or maybe I'll have something to eat.
What ever..

Take care, dear readers..
Hope you'll have good days ahead of you.

Shaken again.

How depressed am I to wish to be in an accident?

Perhaps I'd be killed.. but honestly I'd be happy enough if I end up being in a comma. hmmm.. Maybe I could get stuck in a wonderful dream.
Oh well.. a girl can only wish.

Girl keee..?

Honestly speaking though.. what I'm looking for is an amnesia.
I don't know.. considering how frustrating it would be to try and remember my own family is quite upsetting. I can't help imagining them telling me some old, perhaps happy stories from their personal memories as their eyes wells up in tears.
I don't really want to see that.

But I really wish to forget.

Or maybe I was having an amnesia after all.
I'd forgotten how stupid I'd been and now I've allowed it to happen yet again. Somehow I just couldn't stop telling myself how stupid I'd been.
Stupid I am.
Stupid stupid stupid. STUPID.

Can't help but feel so alone everytime this happens. Everytime I am troubled with some personal issues.. I am always alone.
I swear, sometimes I made myself believe that I deliberately jumped into a well and got myself stuck there. Perhaps I really did.
I'm an adult after all.. Perfectly capable of using my God-given brains.. and yet I hadn't used it.

So yeah.. I jumped into a well.
No one had shown me where the well was. No one had led me there. No body had pushed me down. No one.. but me.

Anyway, just like before.. I am.. and shall not blame anyone for what ever that is happening. I did this all by myself, just like self-inflicted pain.
Sure, other people might have led me to do it.. but in the end, it's me who was holding the knife/razor/cigarette (pick your poison).

I really ought to stop wishing for bad things happening to me. But I am.. pretty much depressed at the moment. Just not enough to do anything myself.. Sounds cowardly but I still believe in God.. somehow.
Perhaps I shouldn't have said that. Oh well.. even if I hadn't typed it out, it's still floating through my mind. Hardly any difference.

'Til next time, I suppose.
Take care everyone.. Hope you'll have good days ahead of you.

A stolen kiss.

I can't decide if today was a good day at work or a shitty one.

This morning I was in the same transport with a batchmate; Adi, who then told me that he was doing RGN flight. At the very moment I was cheered by that fact since we'll be in the same flight!
wheeee!

But later we found out that we're flying with one short of crew.. (the stewardess reported sick at the last minute! grrrr siap kau next time bila fly sama..)
And.. it was a full flight to and fro!

Anyway, suppose I can't be too upset over this since I enjoyed the flight. Adi and I were crazy together even though we were so damned tired at the end of it!
It's always good to have a friend on board -- and a super helpful business class stewardess! heehee. I couldn't thank her enough for helping out at the back!


It's a good day..

My four days off..

I honestly thank God for the four days off on my roster this month. Despite the roster itself was organised by the people of the rostering department; it's God I should be thanking..

Having four days off in a row is a rarity, so how did I spend it? I decided to fly to Kuching!

I find it slightly funny to go to Kuching when I am not really crazy about the place. Even funnier when I kept being asked if I originated there. (Apparently I have the "face" of someone of Borneo origins -- because people have asked me if I'm from Sabah too! But no, I'm from Selangor.. Merah Kuning lambang kebanggaan! Bahahahha!)

Knowing Bestie's and Encem's roster, I was nothing but grateful for the perfect timing! They were both in Kuching on a trip.. And it turned out that Luqqy was there too. It was really nice. Just hanging around with my boys.

And just my luck, I bumped into Dar whom happened to be on a holiday as well! What are the chances?? Honestly, it was a weird sort of week. But an enjoyable one nonetheless. I had hoped to catch up with Dar a little more but I had a bad case of flu on the second day I was in Kuching. It was frustrating.. But I am grateful anyway.
Perhaps it's been a year since I last saw Dar, and he used to be my closest friend..

Dear God, how come I never bump into Dar in KL?? hahahaha

So anyway, I'm having a runny nose, a slight fever and a bad case of cough.. But I'm thankful for my week away from home.
And in case you're wondering why have I only mentioned boys in this entry.. I honestly don't know why. Sometimes it feels like all my friends are boys!

Oh sigh..


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A good read..

I've finally got around to read the book boyfriend had given me a while ago. In truth I feel a bit guilty putting it on hold. I can't remember when or why he bought it in the first place..

I know that I've had it for months.. Packed it into my luggage everytime I'm having a night-stop or layover flights..
As for why, knowing us both, perhaps he'd bought the book because I was upset over something. (heh!)

I don't even know why he bought that particular title. He isn't even the type that reads novels but he knows that I love Coelho's works.. But I'd never actually heard any raving reviews for this title to get it myself..
But whatever it is..
I suppose it's these curious little things that I love my boyfriend for.

Anyway, like other Coelho's works.. They always make me wonder. Curious little things. And I've only read a few chapters of it!

I don't know.. Feels like his books reflects my soul..
Always looking.. the elusive perfection.. Completion..
Happiness.

Some people appear to be happy, but they simply don't give the matter much thought. Others make plans; I'm going to have a husband, a home, two children, a house in the country. As long as they're busy doing that, they're like bulls looking for the bullfighter: they react instinctively, they blunder on, with no idea where the target is. They get their car, sometimes they even get a Ferrari, and they think that's the meaning of life, and they never question it. Yet their eyes betray the sadness that even they don't know they carry in their soul."
-- The Zahir, Paulo Coelho

So today I'm feeling blue.
But don't you worry about me. Everything is good. I am just having things to ponder about. And as should you..

Are you happy?
Are you doing the things that you love?
Are you in a good, healthy relationship?
If you answered "no" to any of these questions, what are you going to do about it?

Take care, dear readers!

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To cry the night..

You live and learn...

Funny to be writing this entry.
I was in a such different mood when I wrote my previous entry, but today it feels like it's all been a dream. Or perhaps a nightmare.

It seems like this month HATES me for what ever reason. Nothing I do seems to go well. Anything I planned just blew up in my face.
And as for my heart.. it is shattered into tiny little pieces.

It doesn't seem fixable at the moment.
Perhaps I've been lying to myself this whole time. Thinking that I was happy when in truth I was merely distracted.
And now it feels like the end.

I am done reaching for help.

It is no use.
I'm the one who keeps getting hurt anyway. So I'm done. I'm done trying my best when my best is taken for granted.

Episod Curang.

Been a while since I wrote a bla-bla entry. (One that isn't really about anything but what ever is in my mind.) Bestie told me that my blog has been so crew-like these days.. and I don't like that. I don't like the idea of being defined by what I do for a living.

But since I've touched the subject.. as you can witness here, I am blogging. Not putting on any make-up, or getting ready for flight as I should be. Just lazing in the sofa-bed in the living room.. messied hair, spectacles on with a cigarette burning in my right hand.
The doctor was nice enough to grant me a day's rest for my back-ache, which I really appreciate. Honestly I hate seeing the doctor.. or taking medical leave. I like my records clean but I don't think forcing myself to work is going to help anyone. Guess I won't be having much money next month but I'll live..

So anyway, Bestie asked an interesting question at dinner last night. He asked Encem and myself if every couple has to have that cheating period.. (he worded it "episod curang"; the title of this entry! wa-heyy!)
I burst out laughing while Encem being Encem just ponders off wordlessly.

I'd like to think that not EVERYONE has it.. or had it. But the temptations must've been there..
When I feel ignored by Encem, I sometimes wish I had someone I could cheat with. (oops?) hahahahahha!!
But honestly, I had my episod curang.. It was the preface to my book with Encem really. ughh.. I don't like the fact that I have that episode in my life but.. I don't regret it. hehe

But really.. does everyone has it??
It's.. sad.. and a whole lot of bad karma lying around!

Cheating is terrible anyway. It's just bad.
For me.. honestly.. I didn't know what I really wanted, but still it wasn't a valid reason to cheat. Nothing is ever a reason to cheat! They are all excuses. Bad bad BAD excuses.
I for one was not cut for lying, so my episode didn't last long. My ex deserved better, I know it. So I told him the truth soon after. Encem and I were barely anything but it's not fair to have someone counting on you while you're interested in someone else instead.

I don't know.. sometimes I still wonder why I did what I did. It's not like I was out of love. But maybe I really needed someone who is present. At least that's what I tell myself when I think about it.

Sometimes I wonder if karma is going to get me in the end. Sometimes I imagined Encem having an affair and actually felt how crushed my heart would be. I even dreamt about it once or twice and when I woke up.. I find myself distancing myself from Encem.
It's not really his fault. But I can't exactly control my dreams.. and they had felt real.

God, I hope karma will get me in some other way.
Because Encem.. my dear boyfriend.. is one of the very little things that is good in my life. Sure he pisses me off sometimes.. Leave me here feeling lonely and ignored while he's working.. but still, he's the one that defines home to me. *and cue sentimental violin score!*
Oh, and sometimes, like right now.. I am HATING him for making me want to write about all this crap! ughhh! I swear I was never this needy or clingy to some BOY before! yuck!

So moving on!!!
Kasi potong terus feeling feeling ni.. Tomorrow I'll be on standby. Oh well, at least I won't have to stay up working tonight.. But I do hope I won't get any calls from the office tomorrow and the day after.
I realized that I complain more when I had too much work, compared to when I didn't have much money.

Suppose I could really say that money isn't everything...

Coffee break!

Helloooooo friends and strangers!
Welcome.. welcome..

I am writing this from the comforts of my parents' place in Shah Alam today. As you would have figured, I'm not the one who goes home that often since I've started my career but today I had an interesting bit of day!
Last year I volunteered for a class that the company was offering and finally, I was rostered for it!

What class was it, you ask?
It's called Tea & Coffee Program! hahahahahha!
Honestly, I think the training department just needed something to do with their time, but hey! I'm a coffee-freak, so of course I signed up! -- even without knowing who else signed up for it.

My morning didn't start great, with my hair refusing to cooperate even when I was only tying it up in a ponytail! Then my dad commented on the tailoring of the pants I was wearing -- yes, you read me right! Anyway, I refuse to go into that.
Then we got into the usual traffic jam in Federal Highway trying to get to the Academy -- so I got into class just in the nick of time. Which I hate. I hate being "just in the nick of time".
Perhaps I should also tell you that I'm a bit of a nerd in that area. I don't like being late, or almost late. I prefer being early. So at least I could relax and say.. have a smoke before class. sigh.

Aaaanyway, it had been an interesting program!
I learnt a bunch about tea and coffee today! I only knew bits and pieces previously but now it seems more FUN to be able to tell why mild coffees are mild and how the intense coffees are made. (The tea stuff were informative too, but seriously.. the coffee stuff were just awesome!)

Especially since we were welcomed by a cup of espresso and biscotti as we entered the classroom. (the espresso by the way, was free flow! I had three cups of the darned thing before we actually got into coffee-tasting!)
Oh and interestingly, the instructor was using the CBTL machine I tweet about last week! Makes it kinda hard for me to forget about its existence now..

By the coffee-tasting session of course, I was caffeinated as hell. Hands shaking, heart's racing.. I was talking like an idiot in fast forward. Had lots of laugh though; mostly for feeling like an idiot, of course..
It was basically a shared problem of mine with my table-mates -- whom happened to be people I know! It was neat!
Between us, we took about nine cups of espresso and a latte! -- not counting the crap (that I called "bitter water") that we tried during the coffee-tasting session.

Anyway, dear Bestie.. thank you for getting me that strong Italian coffee for my birthday. I just found out that I absolutely and completely HATE mild Kenyan crap! And I always thought that I had a milder palette; that strong coffee wasn't really for me. Guess I got that wrong.

Feels like I should get something new to feed my coffee obsession.. I already have a French Press, coffee grinder and a coffee drip machine (thank you, Bestie!) and I've always wanted a Mukka Express but if I add a few hundreds to that budget I could get myself a CBTL machine!!
uuhhh.. I should stop myself right there.
I am dreaming of spending the money that I don't have -- which isn't right! hahahahaha!

Alright, this doesn't make any sense to you, but.. Douwe Egberts.
hahahha! It's a reminder to myself actually. It's a really good coffee and Dida and I had in Nederland and honestly I'm tired of Googling for it everytime I try to remember its name. (Doing a search on this blog seems more simpler at times.)

I guess I'm going to leave you now. I need to get packing while I'm still strung on coffee. I sure hope I have that caffeine-crash when I need to fall asleep.. within the next hour would be perfect!

hmm.. Osaka flight is drawing closer.. I'm oddly still thinking of excuses for not going.

Still tired..

sigh.. I knew that this was bound to happen.
It always happens when I complain too much. Balasan Tuhan.. I didn't count my blessings as much as I should've.

Last night I was supposed to do a simple layover flight to Singapore. But due to some technical problem, my entire set was asked to fly to Male instead. sigh. Instead of getting eight hours of sleep in the hotel, we had to work all night.
So I'm tired. I believe I have the RIGHT to complain about this one since the flight I was rostered to was the simplest thing on my roster this month. And I was really looking forward to it! But it was taken away..
It was frustrating.
Really frustrating..
And sad...

Bloody "job".
Those whose been following this blog would know that all these while I haven't really considered what I'm doing as a job. But this month it had really felt like one.
I am border-lining on getting sick here. My body has been warm-ish for days, but I believe in "power of the mind". I refuse to be sick.
I honestly refuse it!
I'm mostly convinced that I'll do my Osaka flight after all. Feels like I'm MEANT for it anyway. Dear God, I hope it's going to be good!

There are two ways in looking at it;
one, my Airbus flights so far had been good. Even when I wasn't comfortable with the working position I was given, I've always had help. There was always someone kind enough to tutor me or at least cut me some slack.. and pick up the pieces that I'd missed. And there is always someone who would go out with me and show me around town.
two, should I get a really bad flight one day, it's really a reality check. I can't have all roses and daisies, can I?
I'm the one who needs something new each day anyway.. (I get bored very easily..) So.. it shall be a learning experience! (trying to be positive here..)

But honestly, it better be a BRILLIANT flight! After all I've been through so far this month.. Dear God, help me pleaseee!!
If it turns out bad, I can't promise that I won't break anything.
Oh God please please pleaaaase!!!
But really.. who am I to demand anything from God? I am just a tiny fleck of existence. So all I could do right now is hope. Hope.. hope.. hope..

Wait.. didn't I have "not to hope" in one of my resolutions a while back? Hmm..
Perhaps that's what the astrologers meant when they say that Sagittarians are positive people. They really can't stop from hoping for the best.

Anyway, I'm tired of being tired.
I always get dark and twisty when I'm exceptionally tired. Physical stress turns emotional and.. well.. you know the drill. There had been plenty of proofs of it in this blog -- and I've had this blog for almost NINE years.
Sometimes it feels crazy.. to be writing about your life for nine years -- and it hasn't been exactly an exciting nine years.

But thank you, dear readers..
For your time in reading my thoughts and letting me share a piece of my life with you. *and cue sentimental violin score*

And thank You God for my cool set of crew last night.. And the bunch of sleepy passengers who didn't demand much at all on flight! We basically spent the night talking and watching the in-flight movies as the passengers sleep. It was definitely an upside to the whole frustration..

Back to base.

I'm home from the day's work..
I have to say that it's been a good day -- even though I did manage to squeeze in that entry mengumpat during transit. But it's a good day.

Started off this morning while I was checking for the tech crew's names for my flight. Somebody tapped me from behind and when I turned around, it was Mumuuu!!! Panjang umor, Alhamdulillah..

Anyway, the flight to and fro AOR was good. Light load!! hahahaha! Okay, a full load is good for the company, but being the crew on a full load flight is tiring!

Oh, it seems like I'll be doing that Osaka flight after all.. Maybe..
Nobody has something else to swap with on the very dates. ughhh! So.. I don't know really.. I'm still undecided. A part of me wants to just do it while half of me is praying hard that the amount of work I'd done for the past few weeks will get me too sick to fly. hahahahha!

It's going to be yet another lonely night. Encem's doing a night flight. I'm glad that I get to spend the day with him yesterday. Finally had a meal together.. But still.. not enough! sigh..
I seriously have no idea when did I become this needy..
Perhaps I'll do something nice for him when he gets home in the morning.. IF I manage to wake up early..

I'm hoping that Bestie will take me out to dinner tonight.. 'cause I have NO IDEA how am I going to spend my night! Studying just doesn't seem appealing right now -- especially since I am so friggin' sleepy. Hardly four hours of sleep last night. ughhh!

Okay. Enough complaining.
Thank You God for making this a good day! I know I complain a lot.. but I hope I say thanks to You just as much..

Tiga jam transit..

Haih..
Peringatan: aku tak suka cerita pasal keje -- TETAPI.. Harini ada 3 jam transit! Nak buat hape kat airport ni?
Maka kita bercerita lah tentang kerja...

Dua sektor pertama tadi agak mencabar kesabaran.. Bukan 'agak' sebenarnye.. MEMANG mencabar..
KUL/LGK
Passenger profile untuk first sector: INDIAN.. Hello!
So apa yang aku dah brief kat korang sebelum ni maintain ye; call button.. Water.. Sebok je.

Aku tak suka the fact that keje ni buat aku jadi racist sket. Tapi nak kata betul betul racist pun tak jugak. Like I said; passenger profiling. Bila tau passenger profile, kita boleh anticipate apa yang diorang nak! (Ecewwah..)
Just happens that aku tak suka orang meminta tak kena tempat. Hehe..

Contoh: tadi dalam kalangan Indian yang beramai ramai tu, tersentil dua orang Cino. Aku hulur basket peanuts, sorang amek dua genggam, sorang lagi amek segenggam.. Lepas tu time dah sampai nak keluar ada hati lagi mintak extra! Tapi flight full kan, so aku tak pun menipu bila aku kata dah tak ada extra..
Like I said dalam entry sebelum ni lah, kalau ada.. Memang aku kasi!

Aku tak faham obsessi passenger dengan kacang tu.. Aku sendiri tak makan. Tak penah suka kot. Especially bila semua orang bukak dalam kabin.. Bau macam kentut!!
Aku yang dah biasa bau ni pun still rasa bau macam kentut! Tak lali langsung..

Now, LGK/KUL..
Passenger: Cino mainland.
Set yang cakap bahasa dia manjang and expect kau tau apa dia nak. Kalau korang boleh cakap Cina, memang plus point lah bila kerja ni.. Geng China mainland ni memang selalu dalam kapal.. Ikut tour..

Diorang pun suka amek kacang extra extra.. Aku terpaksa kasi sorang satu tadi (flight full!) Pastu diorang ni sebok cuit cuit aku nak lagi.. Pastu aku cakap la "if I have extras then I'll give it to you," but of course, diorang tak paham.. Cuit cuit lagi..
Lain kali aku cakap Melayu je la ngan diorang.

Lepas tu masa nak landing kat KL, time tuu la ada sorang makcik ni nak ke toilet. Ye yee steward aku cakap kat dia suh duduk sebab dah nak landing -- siap hand gesture la untuk penekanan kan. Dia diri je situ depan pintu blur blur. End up steward aku tarik tangan makcik tu duduk sebelah dia kat crew seat.
Seconds lepas tu memang kapal land.
Bengong kan passengers ni? Bukan tak nampak tanah kat luar.. Naaaak jugak gi toilet time tu.

Kadang kadang teringin gak tengok passenger tergolek. Tapi nanti kitorang pulak masalah. Aisyy..
Kena administer first aid ke apa.. Tapi salah kitorang ke bila passenger tak dengar cakap? Tak kan??

Anyway, makcik tu end up tak gi pun toilet. Time taxing dia pegi balik seat dia. Jadi, apakah motif dia ke toilet time landing???
Aku pun tak tau laa..

Lagi satu aku tak paham obsessi terhadap toilet aircraft. Aku seboleh bolehnya minum sikit je.. Tahan kencing sebab taknak guna toilet tu. Dah laa kecik! Air recycled!
Pastu passenger complain busuk.. Salah siapakah??? Crew sebok kerja koot.. Bukan menghabiskan masa guna toilet. And kat dalam kapal tu tak ada Mr Muscle untuk kitorang cuci toilet tu.. Paling paling kitorang boleh buat cuma spray air freshener je..
Plus, point paling penting -- kami adalah CABIN CREW.. Bukan toilet cleaner, harap maklum.

Kami cuba tolong, tapi renung renungkan lah.. Apa sangat je yang kitorang boleh buat..

Okay, sat lagi nak masuk kapal..
KUL/AOR/KUL pulak.. Harapnya passenger okay. Mood tengah tak best nak melayan kerenah pelik pelik.
Letih badan, tak cukup tido..

So korang bakal passenger, be nice to your crew yee.. Buat baik dibalas baik.. Tapi kalau crew korang memang kurang ajar, hmm.. Give them hell lah! Hahaha
Tapi berjaga jagalah.. Pusing pusing, diorang yang pegang makanan minuman korang atas kapal tu..
Hahahahahahah!!

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Hoi letiiih!!

Dah keje lima hari straight.
Semua pun kena bangun pagi. And lima hari ni aku asyik kene maintain stewardess business class. Kenapa? Sebab akulah stewardess paling SENIOR dalam set aku.
HA - HA - HA!!
Serius kelakar bila aku yang paling senior. Kerja baru setahun setengah dah senior ke? Bayangkan budak Darjah 2.. dah kira senior ke diorang? hahahahha!
Tapi itulah hakikatnya.. Dah makin banyak budak baru sekarang. Haritu trip tiga hari memang nama aku lepas nama Leading. Terus PALING SENIOR crew dalam flight ye, terima kasih! Night stop semalam lak senior crews laki.. Junior bawah aku first month flying. Kesiaan dia.. Buat flight Phuket time kau budak baru lagi memang seksa. Flight time sejam lebih sikit je.. Tak menang tangan nak melayan orang putih yang nak makan/minum macam macam.

Aku rasa macam nak pesan macam macam kat korang.. Pesanan untuk korang yang bakal naik kapal as penumpang. Tapi malas nak menaip pulak! hahahha.. banyak sangat kot.
Oleh sebab itu, aku kasi ringkasan ini lah; senyum itu sedekah, and kat dalam mulut korang tak ada emas -- bila crew korang senyum, senyum lah balek. Bila diorang kata "selamat datang", jawablah balek "terima kasih". Benda simple yang tak makan lima saat tu goes a long way.

Percayalah cakap aku that bila crew happy, korang juga akan happy.
Aku faham korang dah bayar tiket, tapi korang tanya lah crew dari mana mana airline pun.. diorang akan cakap kewujudan kitorang dalam kapal tu first and foremostly is for safety reasons! Service comes second. Service with a smile is a BONUS.
Cuba korang senyum tanpa reason sikit, aku nak tengok!

Anyway, aku keletihan..
Esok buat Manila pastu aku nak tido puas puas!! Aku tak nak bangun selagi belum pukul 11! HAHAHAHAHA! Mimpi la kalau ada sesiapa ajak aku keluar.
Aku baru perasan aku dah lama gila tak makan ngan Encem. I know it sounds measly, tapi benda benda camtu penting kot. hmm.. Like I said in an earlier entry.. Bulan ni bulan lonely.
Benci!!
So skarang aku tengah melangut sambil tunggu dia balek dari keje. hmmph! Bosan!

Fly fly fly!!

(Say them in a whiny yet monotonous tone that is easily recognised as frustration.. Or boredom, take your pick!)

So today I'm in JB.
I know I shouldn't complain but I swear, JB (and Penang for that matter) was a hell lot more interesting place before I became a cabin crew! I'm sure those of you who are from these places don't share the same views as I do. I myself remember having crazy-fun times in these places.
So I suppose I blame the hotels that we are put in these days.. So far away from town!!
I'm not even the partying type -- but how could they place me so far away from good FOOD?!! So mean! The company is SO mean sometimes! *cakap sambil hentak hentak kaki*

I was in Penang TWICE last month but not once did I get to have pasembur!! *peluk tubuh* And I am in JB now and I have no one to get me to some good ole otak-otak! *cebik*
I really should've made more contacts all around the country. haihh..

You would think that cabin crew are one of the most friendliest people on earth. They smile and say hi to complete strangers.. Make conversations about the little little things they notice about a passenger..
But recently it struck me; I made connections -- but never a relationship. I have a lot of acquaintances -- but not too many friends. It's a lonely life, not really for everyone.

It's cool to see a new place, but it's ALWAYS the people you're with that makes it fun.
It's always about the PEOPLE.
Money means very little when you don't have anyone to spend it on. hehe.. My opinion anyway. I know Bestie would have a different idea.. Hahahaha
Kids.. I swear it was damn amusing when he claims the other day; "yes! I finally won a debate with Wanie!" (with his fist in the air) hahahahhaha!!

I'm not necessarily always right.. It's just that EVERYONE has to fight/debate with me to be right. Hahahahaha!!
Disclaimer: I just happen to be egotistical and stubborn at the same time. Love me or hate me, I don't need indecisiveness.

Okay, I'm rambling out of "topic".. Sorry about that.
So due to the recent cold war with Encem for the past few days (because of his lack of response to my texts -- okay, that sounds a bit stupid to fight over for but it's just one of those things that you just have to experience yourself!) I had Dida come pick me up from the airport yesterday so I could spend some quality time with family.

It was nice.. And sad at the same time. Being reminded of how damn long I haven't seen Nina and the kiddies. They've all grown.. And entertaining.. And annoying too at the same time!
And I don't know.. It was somehow.. Poetic, being in the same room with my two sisters and my three nieces.
Not for long though since Nina is pregnant!
I really should come home more often and not just when I ran out of clean clothes.. huhuuu

So yeah.. I've been working a LOT this week. Two nights in Kuching, tonight in JB and a daily flight to Manila the day after tomorrow. That's SIX bloody days of morning flights! I am tired and I want my off days!! rawr!

And I am giving away my Osaka flight. It'll be a blow to my allowance but honestly, I'm just not looking forward to working on an Airbus, let alone a 7-hours flight! I choose health and happiness over money, thank you very much!

Now this is a long entry.. Guess that just happens sometimes.
Ciao!

On a sidenote, does anyone knows of a good dermatologist in KL? I am having a bad rash on my legs.. Ughh! Bloody dryness..

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Off day.

Tapi tension.

Last night Encem asked me to go to the management office since we haven't got the water bill for months. So I did..
The girl behind the desk was.. incompetent, to put it nicely. She took a while to produce the bill and when I gave her an RM50 note, she told me that she didn't have any change for it -- and asked me to go and get smaller notes. WTF!
I think it is a common knowledge that working as a cashier, you SHOULD have change! And YOU should get your big butt off the chair and get them, not your customer! Plus, I am doing her a favour by coming in and ask about my bill! It is the management's responsibility to send the friggin' bill every month but they failed at that!

So anyway, I went back to my apartment, have a smoke.. Felt like going back waaay later, but I hate unfinished business. You never know when you're going to die, right? And I hate the idea of my soul haunting the management office..
So I went back with RM55. As I handed the money, I said "RM10 change"; and I know she had it since I saw a lady gave her an RM10 note just moments ago. She took her time.. looking for the receipt she'd already written earlier.. then she pressed some numbers on the CALCULATOR!! 55 - 45.. Oh, what hard numbers to calculate in your head....
UGHHH!!!!

Oh, I'm becoming even more cranky these days.. I know.
Too much work does no good to anyone.

Lagi Bahasa Melayu.

I've decided to write in Malay when I feel like writing about work.
So..

Flight semalam dengan senangnye dikategorikan sebagai CIBAI. Terima kasih rostering sebab kasi flight crew hanjeng, really appreciate it.
Rasa ala ala kalau keje sorang kat dalam satu aircraft tu lagi bagus sebenanye daripada mengadap bebudak semalam. Actually sorang je yang menyakitkan hati tahap maksima.. tapi sebab yang lain pun macam.. entahlah. Rasa buang masa sangat.
Tak suka bercerita pasal keje, tapi tertekan sebenanye.
Balek dah sampai transpot pulak nampak boifren berlalu pegi dalam van. Terima kasih lagi sekali. Dah sign nama kat kaunter tu, nampaklah ada nama aku sooorang je. TERTINGGAL. Sedih.

Emo benar semalam actually sampai tak mampu nak bercakap. Rasa nak nangis kat kaunter tu so dengan cepat aku blah pegi kat tangga nak merokok. Skali ada si Ejaz kat situ tengah smoking. Yah! Alhamdulillah, a friendly face! Rasa nak peluk je mamat tu tapi tak eloook. huhuhuu
Aku mengadu pasal flight aku, dia mengadu pasal flight dia..

Mamat flight semalam memang dikenali dengan sifat hanjeng dia, so senang je cerita kat Ejaz. Sebut je nama hanjeng tu, Ejaz tersenyum dah paham.
Benci bila kerja dengan orang tak bertamadun. Cakap nak gah, tapi takde isi. Suka menipu. Tapi karma kan, Tuhan Maha Adil.. kau buat jahat dengan orang, Tuhan balas balik kat kau. Padan muka kaki kau bengkak semalam. Tak adanye aku nak kesian. Meraunglah kau sekuat hati, aku takleh nak fake concerned pun. Lagi aku nak senyum ada. hehehe

Okay, aku tak suka mengumpat honestly. Sakit hati ni ada lagi tapi serius aku tak suka mengumpat. Udah udah la dosa aku buat selama aku hidup ni.. benda benda yang aku boleh elakkan aku nak elakkan.
So hopefully aku boleh lupakan episode hanjeng semalam dengan segera. Sangat tak suka ada rasa sakit hati ni while trying to refrain myself from talking about it. Lagi cakap, lagi teringat pun.

Oh well..

Ohh! Lagi satu.. cik Saloma baca blog ni. err.. Rasa segan. Selama ni rasa dia cam celebrity koooot! hahahaha! Blog aku ni tak pun macam blog dia yang memang lebih cerita pasal jadi cabin crew. Aku lak jenis tak suka bercerita pasal keje.. Kalau lepak ngan kengkawan crew jugak yang bukak cerita pasal keje, kau tengoklah betapa diamnye aku kat meja tu.
So kalau korang dapat link aku from blog cik Saloma and mengharapkan untuk baca cerita jadi cabin crew, sori ye.. tak banyak yang korang akan dapat tau..

Tahun baru.

Dalam banyak banyak benda yang paling aku tak suka cerita, pasal kerja lah number one.
Tapi sebenarnya banyak benda kita sama sama boleh belajar dari experience. And since kerja aku ni banyak jumpa orang, aku banyak belajar pasal kerenah manusia ni.
Patut bila jadi cabin crew kita dapat diploma/degree sociology. By the time jadi IFS dah masters or PhD..

Aku actually tak suka nak generalize-kan orang, since I like to believe that every single person is unique. Tapi sebab dah jumpa banyak orang kan.. Setahun setengah dah flying.. Agak senang juga lah nak generalize orang.. to the point that it becomes a bit racist.
Contohnya macam pagi tadi.. buat peanuts+juice sector je ni, tapi sebab flight KBR.. aku sengaja letak extra extra kacang dalam bakul tu. Ada saja orang nak amek segenggam. Come on la, kalau korang mintak elok elok, takde nye kitorang tak bagi.. Amek segenggam tu over la.. (Pernah ada ambik siap dua genggam.. Agaknya kalau ada tiga tangan, tiga genggam lah kot)

Kalau famili travel ngan baby lagi satu. Famili Melayu sentiasa prepared.. Dalam bag tu ada dua-tiga botol.. susu dah siap.. Kadang kadang air panas dah ada pun dalam thermos. Patut la mak mak kita suka bawak handbag besa besa kan?
Tapi kalau Cina, kadang kadang tu siap susu pon nak orang provide. Seriously?! Mak cemana korang ni? Dalam beg beso tu ada apa? Rasa macam tak sayang anak pun ada.. Cemana kalau kitorang takde susu nak kasi? Korang biar je la anak korang lapar? Semua benda pun nak mintak. Playing cards lah.. Souvenir lah.. SEMUA pun nak.

India pulak.. baru je masuk aircraft dah mintak air. Kadang kadang tu siap nak potpetpotpet lagi cakap nak makan ubat. Ubat motion sickness ke encik? Just so you know, ubat tu kalau kau makan 30 minit before flight, tak jalan.. Kalau memang ubat sakit lak, tak ke pelik nak masuk aircraft baru nak makan?
Kan senang kalau kau cakap kau suka minum air? Aku tau dah korang suka minum air aircraft.. tapi kot ye pon sabo sabo ler.. Servis tak start lagi.. Priorities kitorang is on safety. Takdenye korang mati kalau tak dapat air sebelum take-off kan? Tak payah la nak tekan tekan call button tu.

Tapi seriously ni sume minor je. Honestly speaking, kalau aircraft tu ada ape yang passenger mintak, aku tak kesah kasi.. Bukan aku nak bawak balek pun. Tu bukan barang bapak aku, nak sesuka hati bawak balek..
Paling aku menyampah.. jengjengjeng.. Orang bawak beg besa masuk kabin pastu tak reti nak susun kat compartment! Lagi contoh dari flight pagi tadi; sorang pakcik ni, takde laa tua.. Paling paling 50s kot, jalan pakai tongkat. Badan besa, tegap, perut pun besa.. Jalan masuk kabin bawak trolley bag. Pastu dah sampai seat dia, dia diri tengah aisle tu pastu tunjuk beg dia. Aku pun cakap la elok elok, "kita angkat sama ye.."
Tapi end up aku angkat sorang! APAKAH?!! Dia diri situ pegang tongkat dia. Pastu aku pun dengan nada control sakit hati, "eh, saya pulak angkat sorang!" dengan senyuman manis yang tak ikhlas langsung. Dia pun sengih sengih ingat aku buat kelakar. Kepala hatok kau! Naseb baik beg kau ringan!

Take note ye bakal penumpang sekalian.. Kalau beg korang besa/berat atau korang pendek/sakit tak larat nak angkat.. SILA CHECK IN LUGGAGE ANDA. Senang cerita. Jangan halang aisle tu dengan beg korang pastu expect kitorang cabin crew nak tolong angkat je. Hari hari tolong angkatkan beg, korang ingat tulang belakang kitorang ni besi??
Tak ada dalam job description kitorang untuk angkatkan beg korang. Sorry, we are not bell boys ataupun khadam, terima kasih.
Just because muka aku still lepas kalau mengaku 21-22 korang ingat aku muda. Badan ni dah pakai 26 tahun dah. Korang tak tengok cemana aku jalan balik dari flight dua bulan lepas.. Aku nak gi toilet pun jadi malas.. Jalan bongkok je sebab sakit nak mampus, takde sape pun tolong.

Aku tak paham bila LELAKI suruh perempuan tolong angkatkan beg. Konon tak ego lah, tak malu nak mintak tolong.. Time time camtu tiba tiba tak ego. Dah pemalas tu pemalas jugak.
Just because cabin crew korang NAMPAK muda, tak semestinya diorang sehat 100%. Just because diorang tinggi lampai, senyum bila korang masuk, dia tak penah accident sampai sakit belakang.. Korang pandai bawak barang barang tu, tolong lah pandai pandai simpan sekali ye.

Rasanya tak silap kalau cakap the top two ailments of cabin crews are slip disc and depression.
Slip disc tu dah banyak sangat cerita. Depression pun.. ye lah, hidup lonely. Kau duduk ada housemate pun, cuti tak sama. Contohnya macam aku ni lah..
Haritu seminggu straight tak nampak kelibat Encem. Lonely. Bulan ni pun bulan lonely jugak. Bertembung camtu camtu je. Aku ni dah laa jenis tak bercakap, dengan sape laa aku nak mengadu kalau tak dengan dia?
Fed up pun ada. Rasa nak quit tu pun ada kadang kadang. Tapi aku ni bukan jenis keje-di-meja punya orang. Lagi depressed kot kalau tiba tiba kene keje ikut office hours. So redha je la.
Thankful pun sebenanye dapat keje ni. Sebab bila dapat passenger best, sopan santun, set crew gila, memang boleh terlupa pasal benda benda tak best previous passenger buat..

Anyway, dah 2011 dah pun.. Perasaannye masih sama..
Tahun ni belum ada resolution. Tapi seperti tahun tahun lepas, mari kita review balek resolution 2010;

"More on self-improvement and not about things I want to achieve or have. No deadline. No wishes. No wants. (Okay, maybe just a little.) But mostly just going with the flow without being pushed around by the current -- if that makes any sense at all.

I will lead a better life, choose healthier food, start an actual exercise routine.. even as minor as going up and down the flight of stairs. Have healthier thoughts and laugh more."

Expectation tahun lepas tak va-va-voom sangat.
Tapi yang pasti I didn't exercised at ALL! Konon je. Bab makanan tu, sihat sikit kot. Dah kurang makan fast-food (especially sejak pindah rumah and ban McD -- exception untuk Prosperity Burger sahaja)
Wishes and wants tu ada, tapi semua short term so dapat lah! Healthier thoughts and laugh more.. biasa biasa je kot. Biasalah, you can't really change who you are.

2010 banyak benda jadi kot. Or maybe sebenarnye tak banyak, tapi impact besar. Hopefully dah belajar dari kesilapan. Tapi entah lah, susah nak cakap.
Resolution 2011.. karang karang la pikir. Takde idea lah. Umur dah meningkat ni, otak dah makin realistic. Nak tulis dalam blog macam.. perlu ke? Tak menarik langsung. Yang pasti, walaupun hujung tahun ni umur jadi 27.. topik kahwin tu masih belom ada yee.. hahaha! So toksah nak tanya.

Sampai lain kali.. Anyway, entry kali ni saje je tulis in Malay. Kekok sebenarnye since I THINK in English.. (I know, I'm a snob.) Tapi saje.. one of. hehe
Oh! Kalau korang suka baca blog cabin crew.. this one is my favourite; it's of Malaysian in UAE.

Have a good year, everyone!

Have I jinxed it?

Just when I write about being happy..

I am back in Penang..
My set were only supposed to do four sectors -- touching down at 2240. But after two sectors we were told to do AOR instead of PEN, touch down at 2315..
When we arrived back in KUL after the final two sectors, we got the call to do ONE MORE SECTOR.. ughhhh!!!
Damn it! I had plans!
Dida and my parents were at the airport to come pick me up!!
Damn ittttt!!
I couldn't help feeling emotional over it. I hate that I promised to be there. I hate to have my family waiting for me. I just hate everything about it! ughhh..

And to top it off, I just heard word of a sad story from a friend.
Which sucks big time.
Honestly there are days that I just HATE.. being.

Anyway.. I am still relatively happy I suppose.
It's just.. I'd feel better if all had been according to plan..
On a side note, my new Shuffle rocks!! bahahhahaha! Wish they had it in red.. oh well.

Missing you, Encem!

Happy.

♥

It's odd to admit to yourself that you are, matter of factly; HAPPY.
Because I am.
Sure I still complain about the same ole' things.. wish that Encem would call or text me more.. hope that I'll get to spend more days off overseas.. But I am finding myself happier these days.

..despite having a heated discussion with Alif on what "relationship" really means the other day. hahaha! (It was a good "discussion" by the way..)

I have lesser things to complain about, to put it more plainly.
I thank God for the good days that I've been blessed with for the past week.
Pay day came early (and it was goood... All the long days last month was absolutely worth it!), I had a good set of crew on my flight to Jakarta and Perth.. I managed to get myself Jakarta's Hard Rock Cafe guitar-pin.. I had a good time in Perth; shopping (bahhahaha!).
My entire body aches, honestly.. I'm in the busy-phase of my roster. But the aches couldn't dampen my spirit -- especially after a lady-passenger told me that her elderly mother thinks I'm pretty yesterday. HAHAHHAHAHA. I mean, seriously.. if it's something a man said to me, I would doubt his sincerity/intention. But since it came from an old woman, I MUST really be pretty! ..right?
HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!

It's been six days since I last saw Encem though, so I am missing him like crazy.
Funny how a song actually reminded me that I am HAPPY.
I still need to work on my communications skill though. I have a feeling that that bit plays a big part on my newfound happiness.

I suppose once you're committed to a relationship, you should accept the other person for what ever they are. But you wouldn't really know if they truly accept you unless you show yourself to them..
Okay, that's a bit random but I think I'm referring to that discussion with Alif on Saturday. Just maybe.

Anyway, I need to get some sleep.
Btw, thank you God for giving me the chance to appreciate life. Also, thank You for Your perfect timing of giving me trouble when there is someone who could lend me a hand. Thank You for sending someone as patient as Encem my way.. Thank You for my good health, so far (hehe).. And thank You for my fate of having this job that I can now listen to songs from my spanking new iPod shuffle while wearing LaSenza undergarments.
hahahhahahahahahahahahha!!

I am happy. Alhamdulillah..
Please keep me this way.

The 26th.

I had a pretty good birthday..
Though I wish that I didn't have to turn TWENTY-SIX.. but I had a pretty good birthday..

Despite coming home to an empty house..
Despite Boyfriend asking me to COOK after returning from Sandakan flight..
I had a pretty good birthday.

I had good food and I had cake.
And boyfriend got me my perfume. The one that has been discontinued. heehee. It was sweet.

Of course, this all happened on the twelfth and the early morning of the thirteenth as I am working on my birthday. (And I am blogging now from my hotel room in Penang..)
Anyway, I had a good birthday..

Just wanted to let you know that.

December.

December has always been a curious.. curious month to me.
It being my birthday month, I always wonder what's in store for me.. always wishing that things will be good.
I hope it'll be good.

But I got quite a shock yesterday afternoon after receiving an e-mail of a death of an acquaintance. I didn't know her that well.. I'd only worked with her once long ago. But I remembered her being this sweet and funny girl.
I don't know. Trying to relate someone who seemed so happy with death didn't seem right. It's just so.. untimely.

I don't know.. it's been bugging me all day honestly.
If I die, the natural response would probably be; 'ah well, it's been long time coming..'

It's weird. Coincidentally I'd been having visions of death lately. Not necessarily mine. I wondered how it'd be if one of my family members died..
Or if boyfriend had an accident. Would there be anyone who'd let me know?
Or would it take days before anyone realized that I hadn't known. Maybe after days of him not coming home and not answering any of my phonecalls.. I'd start tracking his friends and only then they would tell me the news?
I worry about these things sometimes. I'm not exactly in his "emergency call list". And even if I am, if I am working.. it won't be possible for anyone to contact me.
So it sucks.
It sucks when I wonder about these things.

And the other day Dida brought news of home that I am not at all happy about.
Everything sucks.
December began with sucky sucky things!

So now I'm scared. Struck by a terrible worry everytime Encem walks out the door. I hate it when people leaves to someplace I couldn't follow.
It sucks.

So tell me December.. is this how it's going to be all month or should I finally learn how to quit hoping.

Ugly side.

I have this thing of thinking things that I don't mean..
I don't actually say them out loud because I know how badly that could lead me, but my mind is far too quick to judge and decide what I think/feel about certain things. Especially when I am angered.
But believe it or not, that's the most crucial moment of the situation -- the thoughts that I don't mean.
Because then I would wish for things that would upset me in the end.

Example; weeks ago I was depressed about how nothing was happening around me, so I wished that I will be working on my birthday. Sent someplace where I won't have to be reminded how boring my birthdays have been. If I'm going to be indoors and be reminded that I am OLDER, might as well I DO something be it work.
So of course, I got my wish.. A night in Penang on the 13th..

Today, I wished that boyfriend would get called up knowing that he was on standby, because I was upset with him. So of course.. he's spending the night in Kuantan tonight while I'm here bored and annoyed at myself for wishing things that I didn't mean..
Honestly, even when he upsets me, it's still better with him around. At least he'd amuse me by trying to make up for his mistakes.
Ha - ha - ha! (I'm not really in the mood to laugh right now.)

Now, regarding the previous entry.. I think I'm going to TRY just one more thing before I truly give up. I'm gonna let hell break loose. No more silent treatment. I'm gonna fight like hell. Shout if I feel like it.
If that gets me nowhere, then I'll know..
I'll know for sure.
Honestly that scares the crap out of me, but it has to be done.. It must.

And now it's dark
I look for you to light my heart
I'm in between the moon and where you are
I know.. I can't be far
-- Blue October

Forget I said anything..

Suppose I am giving up.
I give up trying.
There is nothing else to say. There is nothing else I can say to you.

If everything I say will be misunderstood, I shouldn't bother saying anything at all.
If you give up trying to listen.. Guess I should give up trying to say anything altogether.

Thank you, dark cinema.. For hiding my shameful tears..


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Been a while..

I've been brooding lately, as Julie would put it.
Honestly I feel like my life is becoming more and more non-existent for the past week. Being busy with work just doesn't work for me. Sure I love going to foreign places and see what they could offer to a stranger like I am, but too much of it is making me feel like I'm aging way faster than I should.

I'm grateful.. honestly, to be able to visit these places. Taipei, Beijing and Dubai in one month! It's awesome. But I can't remember when was the last time I had a proper date with the boyfriend. We're always too tired to do anything outside. And come on, staying in watching movies isn't exactly my idea of a perfect day.

I know I am asking a lot, but isn't that the whole point?
To not be afraid to ask..

But who am I kidding.. I am always afraid. I am still unable to speak what goes through my mind. I'm starting to think that it's way too easy -- not talking. I dunno.. It feels as though I am changing but I know it's not for the better. sigh.. It's like I'm wrapping my words in a package and just bidding my time to send it away to nothingness.

I think I am detaching myself.. From loved ones and life even. Perhaps I am embracing the disappearance of my so-called life.
We'll see..

What I know is, I am too tired of putting myself out there and not having anyone to meet me halfway.
I'm tired.. My mind is fed up for having my heart controlling my life's course. Fed up for the headache that's caused from the heartache.
Honestly.

Me and my old man..

I love spending mornings with my dad.
Mostly because I am chirpy in the morning (after having a good sleep) and my dad is much more tolerant in the mornings; having nothing of the day-crap to bug his mind. Actually... my dad is ALWAYS tolerant of me. Perhaps I am the one that is more tolerant of people in the mornings..

Aaaaanyway!
After two weeks of not seeing any of my family members (I know, I'm horrible. My parents just lives 30 minutes away!) I asked my dad to come pick me up.

At the carpark where we were getting breakfast, we saw this one grown man attempted to park his big ass car. He was an IDIOT, honestly.. couldn't make up his mind whether he wanted to park on the left side or the right.. With the back-side out or the front.. Seriously. I lost some major points just talking about that man.
I even proclaimed that "idiots should not procreate."

Then my father chimed in that idiots wouldn't know they're idiots..
Which is a horror really, because non-idiots would easily recognize an idiot while a fellow idiot won't. So idiots will fall in love with idiots thinking that they're both equally smart, get married, and make idiot babies!!
OH - MY - GOD!!
What will happen to the world!! Infested by idiots!
Scary world.

Okay, my father and I are snobs -- and maybe that's why we click so well. hahahha!
Basically I've been spending my morning complaining and rambling to my father.. About people I've worked with.. Stories from the people I've worked with.. about passengers.. The kids that were sitting at the stairway to our flat.. Too many bad comments that at one point I almost fell from simply walking at the pavement!
Hahahahhaha! Balasan Tuhan..

I really love the mornings where I get to do everything that I wanted to do.

Feels like all I ever talk about lately is ANYTHING that relates to the boyfriend.. I swear sometimes it feels like my entire existence is tethered to the gravity that is him.
This much change.

Bob Marley

The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.

Good quote.
And very true.

Anyway, I'm having a roller coaster kind of days lately. There's no more good days or bad days. More of good hours and bad hours..
Sigh.
I'm not sure if that's better or not.

I'm bored. Actually really bored.
Feels like I'm drifting most of the time. Life could pass me by and have no effect on me.
It bores me.
Bores the hell out of me.

Work's been alright.
Relationship's been alright.
But that's just it -- "alright". I don't live with just 'alright'. So passion-less.
I am grateful with my alright life. But I wish I could be ecstatic everytime I wake up in the morning.

Sigh.
I need more.
I hate this stagnant.
I HATE BEING STUCK!

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The scent of one.

Did you know that our memory picks up scents the best?
I'm not sure where I read that but I am a believer. It does seem like my brain remembers scents better; for instance if I had a whiff of 'scent A', I could relate it to what had happened the last time I had smelled 'scent A'.

Encem had asked me a certain rhetorical question a couple of times before; if we hadn't seen each other for a very long time (years..) and somehow fate brought us together but his face was covered except for his eyes (err..) would I be able to recognize him still?
Yeah, odd question, I know.. but I play along anyway.. But when I say that I played along, I meant I made a thinking face for a short while and say that I don't know and changed the subject. hahahha!
Truth is, I'd most probably won't be able to know it was him by his eyes alone. I'm terrible like that.

But I know his 'smell' by heart.
To the point where I could get irked when somebody else wears the same perfume as he does. But most of the time when that happens, I'll just miss him more. Which could be even more annoying really.

So why am I writing about smells anyway?
Well, I'am reminded that I'm running low on my perfume. The "best" part is that the production of MY scent has been discontinued. Which sucks. I hate changing perfumes. Mostly because nothing really appeals to me! Most of them are either too strong.. Too 'makcik'.. Too manly.. ughh!
Another thing about scents; when choosing perfumes -- and partners actually, believe it or not one tends to choose something (or someone) that has the same scent as one does.

Anyway.. it's good to be home.
I find myself appreciating home more lately, but I know that this feeling may not last. Consistency has never been my strong point...